Illustration by Sophie Argetsinger
The point of this gift guide is twofold. On one hand, it’s fun to be a little scary. Maybe you just want that to be a part of your aesthetic or your aura. Maybe you just want to be known as the Creepy Lady at the End of the Block. There are lots of reasons why it’s fun to be seen as weird and kind of scary! On the other hand, maybe you want to come off as scary and intimidating so that men will just leave you the fuck alone. Like, seriously, being a little scary is such a great look, it’s why so many people are into Scorpios and Slytherins. Also, thanks to my friends who I’m scared of, but in a really fun way who inspired this list, y’all are genuinely terrific and I mean that as a compliment.
So You Want to Look Weird
Looking weird is half the battle to seeming creepy and/or scary. You can go the traditional route of wearing a lot of black and blood red, and always having a resting bitch face, but you can also go a little further. For some reason people are really weirded out by teeth? So here’s a great human teeth necklace and also one made with a real human molar. That’s pretty creepy, I love it. If you’re not into teeth, you can accessorize with jewelry made from black wasps, rat leg bones or spiders. Finally, my favorite accessory if you just want to look weird is fake blood. Just put some on your face or splatter it all over your shirt for a nice touch to finish your outfit. It’s honestly a really good look
Scariest House This Side of The River
Sometimes, looking scary isn’t enough. You want your whole freaking house to be scary too. So let’s get some weird and creepy decor in here. And I’m not talking like, cute drawings of skeletons or fake gravestones. I’m talking about more extreme stuff. Like I said, people are scared of human teeth. Luckily for you, you can buy one of these Vintage Dentistry Print for a nice wall decoration, or you can get these Vintage Dental Molds for bookends or just conversation pieces. If teeth aren’t your thing, you could always go for a framed bat skeleton or spider. I don’t really know what to say about this fetus soap other than that it’s just really weird, but kind of terrific.
Books About Creepy Stuff
Every scary person with a creepy house needs a weird library. Plus, reading all these books will give you enough knowledge and trivia to weird out your friends when you talk to them. The first step is buying books about people dying. I’d recommend Death in Yellowstone: Accidents and Foolhardiness in the First National Park, a book about people dying in Yellowstone (by the way, did you read about that guy who died in a hot spring recently? that was brutal). For a similar book, but one with an added bonus of cannibalism, order Alive: The Story of the Andes Survivors. Every kind of scary person should know about the Dyatlov Pass Incident, and if you don’t then you need to get Dead Mountain: The Untold Story of the Dyatlov Pass Incident. It’ll be worth it. For my personal favorite weird and unsettling story, I’d suggest The Silent Twins about a pair of twin sisters who were way too weird for me to describe right now.
Movies Where Women Murder Men and Stuff
If books aren’t really your thing, or if you just like books and movies, you can add these quality films to your library and trot them out whenever men come over to your house. Or you could just have one of these always playing in the background. I don’t know, do whatever seems scariest. Gone Girl is a great choice, one which always seems to make men uncomfortable. Teeth, which is about a girl with Vagina Dentata, is like that too, except it makes men like a billion times more uncomfortable. For some movies about awesome women who take men down a few pegs, I’d suggest either American Mary or Audition, two great movies about great women who look great in aprons.
Mey, would it be creepy to say that I love you and this list makes me love you more?
i mean, if it is creepy I’m kind of into that
I enjoy how this list is still firmly in the autumn / Halloween season despite the encroaching of Christmas all around.
Halloween IS the most wonderful time of year.
So did the molars fall out on their own, or…
Um as not a bio/physical anthropologist or dentist (just detail oriented Creepy McCreeperson) trying extrapolate from pictures I hypothesize most of those teeth are adult given the breadth of the crowns, but it’s been awhile since I’ve had any human teeth on hand so I could be under/over estimating size.
So I’m thinking nah brah, those teeth did not fall out on their own. ;)
I checked out both toothy shops there, and BoneLust uses real human teeth, either aquired legally from a dentist or donated by the buyer for the purpose of being made into jewellery. TheExcuse appears to use fake models of teeth :)
Persoanlly, I’m going to see if I can dig out some of my old baby teeth so I can pop those suckers into a jar and wear them around the place ^^
i’ve been trying to figure out how to turn my wisdom teeth into earrings without breaking the teeth for AGES, some of us just have human teeth lying around and it’s totally normal and fine
I suggest wire wrapping.
Drilling bone and shell is not good for the lungs, and dust mask won’t always be enough protection depending on how tiny the dust particles from the teeth would be(respirator if anyone out there is not dissuaded, please use a respirator rated for 3 – 300 microns particulates).
Plus you’d need a diamond or carbide tipped drill bit and drill with small enough chuck to properly hold something as little as jeweler’s drill bits tend to be.
So that’s like 3 things; respirator for wee particles, diamond tip drill bits(not just one b/c they break) and drill with tiny chuck.
Wire wrapping you just need somewhere between 20 and 22 gage round wire, of which you can find at a craft store but go for uncoated if you can, pliers, and a flat metal file to dull the ends of the wire when you cut it.
You could work with sharp edges on the ends of the wire, but having accidentally changed on of my fingerprints for life I highly suggest filling the edges.
I really want to borrow a human molar so I can make a wire wrapping tutorial now.
I love Alive and Teeth!
i feel like we’d get along
this was so funny you’re so weird
riese honestly this is my favorite comment on anything i’ve ever written ever thank you
I want photos of the casual blood-splatter application.
I’ve currently got a found wild rat’s skull in pride of place on my mantlepiece. (When you have pet rats, Death of Rats is a pretty frequent visitor, so it seems right to honour)
Skull on the mantle piece? How very Waverly of you!
Don’t fear the Grim Squeaker :P
“Just put some on your face or splatter it all over your shirt for a nice touch to finish your outfit. It’s honestly a really good look”
I love you!
Welp, Autostraddle finally did it. The one definitive wish list for me and my lil’ weirdo queerdo squad this holiday season.
I love all of this, and might start wearing teeth all the time, earrings probably because they’re my favorite. Also, I have several animal jawbones and a dead bee that I keep in my personal house collection of creepiness.
If it wasn’t for the fact that all my close friends are disturbingly dark, I’d be bothered by this. All this does is cement why I like you.
People are into scorpios, who’s into scorpios show me them, everyone gives me a look when I say I’m a Scorpio and not a look that says I’m into you
Yas, movies where women murder men and stuff. If anyone’s on Letterboxd, I made a list.
http://letterboxd.com/khoss/list/primo-misandry/
I’ve read Death in the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. I’ll have to check out Death in Yellowstone to add to the theme.