Formspring Friday: There’s No I in Team

You guys have so, so many feelings and questions! And you share them on Formspring and we love it and it’s great! Occasionally you have more feelings and questions than Riese, Rachel and I can process alone or together, even in a hotel room. It’s then that we turn to the world at large and say “Please! We haven’t the capacity / experience to answer these inquiries! Will you help??”

help us please

And that’s how Formspring Friday got born, bitches! Share your advice in the comments. Everyone will be a better person before the weekend’s over, just you wait and see.

21 Formspring Questions for You to Answer:

1. How do I create my own lesbian identity? i.e. I don’t know how to identify as a lesbian because I’ve only just figured it out, so what do I have to do to understand/feel comfortable with the idea of this being me?

2. I’ve never really ‘done anything’ with a girl. But I’m going to be heading to college this fall, and I’m nervous. I’m gay. I’m sexually oblivious. I guess what I’m trying to say without sounding really awkward is should I shave my girly parts?

3. I just realized that I can’t remember whether or not I’ve ever met Lil Bow Wow and am moderately distraught about the following things: 1) Why do I care? 2) HAVE I ever met Lil Bow Wow???

4. I think I determined I’m gay but I’m scared and confused and have people telling me all this stuff..what do I do? How do I sort things? This is one of the smaller issues in my life but I really dunno what to do :S

5. I’m a femme and no one knows I’m a lesbian. Where can I find erm, gay clothing? Or shirts that are related to being a lesbian I suppose?

6. My gf & I have been together for several yrs but in the last few she’s changed in ways I never imagined–not all of them pleasant. Lately it seems we don’t share a single interest anymore. We seem to be polar opposites now. I’m confused about what to do.

7. How off-putting is bad skin? I’m an adult but I have eczema&other hereditary problems. I think I’m a decent person, but I feel like no one will take the time & get past what they see. Thus far no one’s proven me wrong & my self-esteem is kinda plummeting.

8. Westboro Baptist Church make me lose all faith in humanity, they make me too sad for words and I don’t know what to think or do about this. Is there anything I can do to counteract them?

9. So my girlfriend asked me to choke her. I was like… uhh, okay? And I did. Now I’ve done it more times, but I just don’t like it. She loves it. We’ve been together for a year. She always wants more intense things out of sex. I was content in September.

10. I’m very feminine and dont look gay so I am assumed to be straight by EVERYONE! Thus, I am forced to choose between coming out to errybody, which sucks, or enduring comments that suggest I am straight (bad cuz being gay is important to me) It Gets Better?

11. I think my mom got really confused when I compared being gay to roller coasters. Like before I go on a roller coaster I have to tell myself that the 23423 people before me came out alive, kinda like the millions of gay people. Is that a dumb comparison?!

12. So I kinda like this girl, and she likes me. she’s awesome, really. EXCEPT she has huuuuge stretched ears. I don’t mean small plugs I mean FUCKING HUGE okay. And I just…. I cant do it. I am SO SO SO turned off by it. It’s ruining her for me. I cant even go on a date with her. And she’s hot and lovely and my friends say I’m being too picky and shallow but like…. it’s her head! IT’S HER FACE! It’s horrible. It’s the same with nipple piercings and shitty tattoos. They’re deal breakers for me. Who is right / what do I do?

13. How can I get my mom to stop using gay and queer as an insult? I’ve had the rational ‘it’s hurtful and wrong and this is why’ conversation…but she basically just said that was silly and people are entitled to their opinions. How do I make her listen?

14. The wife and I are about to drive across country on vacation! We are trying to eat healthy and avoid fast food places. Any suggestions?

15. My girlfriend is moving away and she wants me to follow and move in with her. I’m concerned that it’s early in the relationship and she doesn’t know my craziness well enough to want to cohabitate. How do I tell her without it seeming like a break up talk?

16. Last night my gf broke down and told me that she was scared everytime we have sex… She feels guilty that I do ‘everything’. She doesn’t seem to hear that she makes me feel so good every single time! Got any tips to help me build her confidence?

17. I have a friend who is a dude and I think he likes me. I’m totes homo. I think he thinks a chasing Amy situation could happen. How do I nip this in the bud without being awk about it. I do love the guy, just not penis in vagina-style.

18. My mom says really awkward things such as “college admissions people cream their pants over that shit.” Especially in public. How do I make her stop?

19. I make THE WORST first impressions. I’m a really cool, smart person, but I just insane nerves and come off as really stupid and boring or annoying and out of control. i imagine you make really fantastic first impressions. do you have any tips?

20a. I started dating a real, live poet. She’s adorbs, but…I feel emotionally inept. SO many feelings. How do I share?

20b. How do people who cannot share their emotions share their emotions? I would really like to, especially since I’ve been getting all these ~feelings~ lately and I don’t know what to do.

21. Is there a cure for lesbian bed death? I’m afraid we may have hit a brick wall.

Mkay go ahead an yell at me for calling you bitches and THEN help make these people whole, won’t you?

Totally unrelated thumbnail kitten imagery via sirhatdemiroglu

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here.

Laneia has written 929 articles for us.

88 Comments

  1. 1. http://xkcd.com/150/ (except substitute “grown-ups” with “lesbians”)

    4. Find a way to be alone for a little while, take a deep breath, and think about things. Your feelings are your feelings, and it’s okay to just feel them and think about what they mean and not listen to whatever people are telling you.

    11. I think it’s an awesome comparison.

    13. Start using her name as a pejorative. Like, wherever she would use “gay” or “queer” in a pejorative way, say similar things, but with her name in place of it. It’s the only thing I’ve found that’s ever made people realize how awful it can feel when someone’s using your identity as a punchline or a slur or an insult.

  2. Hi, my name is Liz and I have answers to all the things! Please note, I have no right to be doling out advice, and I cannot guarentee it’s any good. But it’s 1:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep, so here you go.

    1. How do I create my own lesbian identity? i.e. I don’t know how to identify as a lesbian because I’ve only just figured it out, so what do I have to do to understand/feel comfortable with the idea of this being me?
    What was your ‘straight’ or ‘unsure’ identity? What was your personality before you were gay? That’s still you. You’re just a now more self-aware you. But being comfortable with this new part of yourself takes time. Hell, being comfortable with yourself in general takes time (I’ve got 21 years of being me, and I still haven’t adjusted to feeling comfortable with myself. Except, ironically, for the gay part. That part I’m perfectly at ease with.) Basically, you do you, like Riese says. Eventually, you’ll get used to it. And if not, buy some awesome new clothes, because then you’ll at least look good while you’re trying to be cool with you.
    2. I’ve never really ‘done anything’ with a girl. But I’m going to be heading to college this fall, and I’m nervous. I’m gay. I’m sexually oblivious. I guess what I’m trying to say without sounding really awkward is should I shave my girly parts?
    I shave. My girl trims. I’ve been with people at all ends of the spectrum. Most ladies are just happy to see a willing vag, they don’t care what it looks like. That being said, if you want to shave, by all means, go for it. But please, for the love of god, try shaving BEFORE the night of a big date. If your skin down there gets irritated by the shaving, you do not want to find out while that hot chick you just met is about to go down on you.
    3. I just realized that I can’t remember whether or not I’ve ever met Lil Bow Wow and am moderately distraught about the following things: 1) Why do I care? 2) HAVE I ever met Lil Bow Wow???
    If you can’t remember, I’m gonna say no, no you didn’t.
    4. I think I determined I’m gay but I’m scared and confused and have people telling me all this stuff..what do I do? How do I sort things? This is one of the smaller issues in my life but I really dunno what to do :S
    Do you feel attracted to the ladies (assuming you are one?)? Yes? Congratulations, you’re gay. Seriously. Even though it can take time to come to terms with it, that’s really all the sorting there is. You like who and what you like, and that’s that.
    5. I’m a femme and no one knows I’m a lesbian. Where can I find erm, gay clothing? Or shirts that are related to being a lesbian I suppose?
    Urban Outfitters, men’s section. American Apparel sells the Repeal 8 shirts. But like… Why? Why would you want to change yourself to look gay? If you’re really that worried about it, buy a pride bracelet and wear it daily
    6. My gf & I have been together for several yrs but in the last few she’s changed in ways I never imagined–not all of them pleasant. Lately it seems we don’t share a single interest anymore. We seem to be polar opposites now. I’m confused about what to do.

    Has she changed in unforgiveable, to you, ways? If yes, go your separate ways.
    7. How off-putting is bad skin? I’m an adult but I have eczema&other hereditary problems. I think I’m a decent person, but I feel like no one will take the time & get past what they see. Thus far no one’s proven me wrong & my self-esteem is kinda plummeting.
    I think, some people see bad skin and think ‘ew, that person must not have good hygeine’. But most of us? Really don’t care. Just be yourself, and you’ll find someone who loves you for you, skin and all.
    8. Westboro Baptist Church make me lose all faith in humanity, they make me too sad for words and I don’t know what to think or do about this. Is there anything I can do to counteract them?
    Go to their protests and counter. Either by kissing another girl or by holding signs and shouting.
    9. So my girlfriend asked me to choke her. I was like… uhh, okay? And I did. Now I’ve done it more times, but I just don’t like it. She loves it. We’ve been together for a year. She always wants more intense things out of sex. I was content in September.
    Does she do things she doesn’t like for you, either sexually or non? Yes? Then stop complaining. But if it really bothers you, figure out why. Is it because you’re afraid of hurting her? Or does it just not turn you on? If it’s the first one, explain that to her. Sit down and tell her you worry for her health (any sort of edge play can be dangerous), and try to come up with a solution. Whether that’s just using a safeword, or coming with some sort of “once every x amount of times we do it” arrangement, whatever. And if it’s the second one? Refer back to my first sentence. Most of us end up having to do something we dislike in bed in a long term relationship. Why? Because we really care for the other person, and want them to be satisfied, even if that means not being fully turned on the entire time ourselves.
    10. I’m very feminine and dont look gay so I am assumed to be straight by EVERYONE! Thus, I am forced to choose between coming out to errybody, which sucks, or enduring comments that suggest I am straight (bad cuz being gay is important to me) It Gets Better?
    Like I suggested earlier. Pride bracelets.
    11. I think my mom got really confused when I compared being gay to roller coasters. Like before I go on a roller coaster I have to tell myself that the 23423 people before me came out alive, kinda like the millions of gay people. Is that a dumb comparison?!
    I actually really like this, anon. I’m gonna steal it.
    12. So I kinda like this girl, and she likes me. she’s awesome, really. EXCEPT she has huuuuge stretched ears. I don’t mean small plugs I mean FUCKING HUGE okay. And I just…. I cant do it. I am SO SO SO turned off by it. It’s ruining her for me. I cant even go on a date with her. And she’s hot and lovely and my friends say I’m being too picky and shallow but like…. it’s her head! IT’S HER FACE! It’s horrible. It’s the same with nipple piercings and shitty tattoos. They’re deal breakers for me. Who is right / what do I do?
    If it’s a deal-breaker, it’s a deal breaker. If you seriously can’t stand it, then so be it. But I’m one for trying new things. If you two really like one another, why not try to get used to them? Immersion therapy!
    13. How can I get my mom to stop using gay and queer as an insult? I’ve had the rational ‘it’s hurtful and wrong and this is why’ conversation…but she basically just said that was silly and people are entitled to their opinions. How do I make her listen?
    Start using ‘straight’ or ‘hetero’ in instances she uses gay and queer. And do it often.
    14. The wife and I are about to drive across country on vacation! We are trying to eat healthy and avoid fast food places. Any suggestions?
    Uncommon Ground in Chicago. That’s it because I don’t go places.
    15. My girlfriend is moving away and she wants me to follow and move in with her. I’m concerned that it’s early in the relationship and she doesn’t know my craziness well enough to want to cohabitate. How do I tell her without it seeming like a break up talk?
    “Listen, X, I really, really like you, and I want to be with you, but I’m not ready for this. I pick my nose and I fart all the time, I want you to get used to that before we for serious move in together. How about if we start with me visiting you and spending the weekend once or twice a month, first?”
    16. Last night my gf broke down and told me that she was scared everytime we have sex… She feels guilty that I do ‘everything’. She doesn’t seem to hear that she makes me feel so good every single time! Got any tips to help me build her confidence?
    Let her feel how wet you get getting her off. Seriously. My girl used to feel this way, too. And then I started showing her how much I loved going down on her/fucking her/etc., even without her touching me.
    Or start letting her do things, slowly and with a time limit at first (i.e., just getting used to touching you, not trying to get you off), to you. Eventually, she may be comfortable to go at you the way you do to her.
    17. I have a friend who is a dude and I think he likes me. I’m totes homo. I think he thinks a chasing Amy situation could happen. How do I nip this in the bud without being awk about it. I do love the guy, just not penis in vagina-style.
    “I love you, Z, you’re one of my best FRIENDS, and I want to stay that way. You feel me? Also, check out that total hottie over there. Damn, I’m gonna go get her number.”
    18. My mom says really awkward things such as “college admissions people cream their pants over that shit.” Especially in public. How do I make her stop?
    You can’t. She’s your parent. Saying embarrassing things is what she does. Just laugh at it.
    19. I make THE WORST first impressions. I’m a really cool, smart person, but I just insane nerves and come off as really stupid and boring or annoying and out of control. i imagine you make really fantastic first impressions. do you have any tips?
    Well, I’m not the ‘you’ you originally asked, but. Deep breaths, and practice.
    20a. I started dating a real, live poet. She’s adorbs, but…I feel emotionally inept. SO many feelings. How do I share?
    Write her a poem, no matter how bad it seems. Trust me, my girlfriend writes me poems and I melt. And then curse her school and the fact it’s three hours from me.
    20b. How do people who cannot share their emotions share their emotions? I would really like to, especially since I’ve been getting all these ~feelings~ lately and I don’t know what to do.
    Therapy. And/or write them all down.
    21. Is there a cure for lesbian bed death? I’m afraid we may have hit a brick wall.
    Is it bad I’m thankful that this one is last? Because it’s really hard. First, yes. Second, no. The bad news, or the ‘no’ part there, is that people change overtime. Sometimes, they just aren’t sexually compatible. If that’s you, then no, not a whole lot to be done. But for those who have just lost the time to have sex/are too tired/etc., there is hope! Go to an exotic locale, plan a rendezvous, indulge in a fantasy (tell each other your fantasies!), surprise her somewhere. Have sex without getting caught (visiting your parents, at work, etc.). Tie her up. Wake her up with sex. Invite her into your shower. Draw a bath. While you’re watching T.V. Make it different.

  3. Thank you, Autostraddle, for giving me such a lovely opportunity for procrastination/annonymous overshares.

    1. How do I create my own lesbian identity?

    Well… identify as a lesbian. As often as possible. I look really, really stereotypically “lesbian,” but I looked the same when I identified as straight and people bought it.

    2. I’ve never really ‘done anything’ with a girl. But I’m going to be heading to college this fall, and I’m nervous. I’m gay. I’m sexually oblivious.

    I’m going to just tell you… Do whatever makes you feel more comfortable so you don’t feel so awkward. Although (I’ve been told and I think too) awkwardness is kinda cute/endearing provided it doesn’t last too long so maybe roll with that?

    Um and re: shaving…. I refuse because it is itchy and itchy is not sexy. And I’ve never been bothered by anyone else’s excess or lack of hair, so do you. There are no rules and the people who have rules (in my opinion) are too picky to sleep with. It gets annoying, and I have no patience for that kind of picky.

    4. I think I determined I’m gay but I’m scared and confused and have people telling me all this stuff..what do I do? How do I sort things? This is one of the smaller issues in my life but I really dunno what to do :S

    The only person I’ve ever really listened to wrt sexuality was a guy who said that he doesn’t believe in sexuality he believes in people loving people and that is always a good thing. I mean, I believe in sexuality as a thing and an identity and a useful one, but the point is that people love people so go and love someone. And if this is a small issue deal with the big issues and maybe along the way it will all work out.

    5. I’m a femme and no one knows I’m a lesbian. Where can I find erm, gay clothing? Or shirts that are related to being a lesbian I suppose?

    Rainbow earrings.

    6. I’m an asshole. If it’s not working really, leave. Then again, I’ve never had a really awesome long long relationship so my advice is probs bad. But I’ve had really great short ones so….

    7. I have terrible skin. Mine is off putting to me and I imagine it is off putting to other people but I think I’m just projecting my own bad self image. Relax and figure out the multitude of ways that you are awesome and focus on those. Skin is skin and really, like not a big deal. But I hear you–mine upsets me all the time.

    8. Realize that there are more happy, well adjusted homosexuals in any given “gay” space (LGBT group, bar, any block in any given major city, etc) on a tuesday evening at 6pm than there ever have been or ever will be members of the WBC. Also that the WBC makes fundamentalists look bad so EVERYONE hates them. I actually really enjoy hating on them, and it makes even conservative people love the gays a little more because such giant dickheads hate us.

    9. So my girlfriend asked me to choke her.

    Yeah. If it’s not good for you, don’t do it. she should be as open to you saying “no thanks” as you were to trying it. If not, you both need someone new to have sex with.

    12. So I kinda like this girl, and she likes me. she’s awesome, really. EXCEPT she has huuuuge stretched ears.

    Sometimes I tell myself that the little shit that bothers me in the beginning will not bother me once I really care for someone, but sometimes this is a lie I tell myself and then later it gets awkward/I feel like an asshole. So if it bothers you that much, so be it.

    15. I don’t know how to tell her but make sure you do it now.

    16. Aww… I feel for your girlfriend because I sometimes feel the same way (without cause, actually, but just because I’m an insecure human). Um.. just point out what she does that you like at times when she is not specifically asking about it. Like randomly. This happens to me and makes me feel so much better always.

    17. Lesbromance. Don’t allow “platonic” snuggles. Be a good wingwoman and act genuinely excited about hooking him up with STRAIGHT girls.

    18. Don’t let her stop, your mom sounds awesome.

    20a. I started dating a real, live poet. She’s adorbs, but…I feel emotionally inept. SO many feelings. How do I share?

    I always feel this way, but that’s probably because I just don’t have so many feelings as often as other people. I am gradually becoming ok with this. No use forcing feelings. Share when you want/need/feel moved to. I hate when people pressure me to be “more open,” when the issue is just that I have nothing to say/no feelings about a given situation. I don’t know if the issue is that you have so many feelings or that she does, but I guess my point is that honesty is more important (to me, at least) than apparent depth. Be you.

    20b. How do people who cannot share their emotions share their emotions? I would really like to, especially since I’ve been getting all these ~feelings~ lately and I don’t know what to do.

    I don’t know. Sometimes I drink too much and get emotional but I always think maybe I was making feelings up just to have feelings and then that is silly. Share when/where/how you ACTUALLY want to, not when you think you should.

    Ok. So I obvs. need therapy and to stop being a mean person. <–not helpful to others.

  4. well matchedr sexually. Sometimes sexual interests change and grow; it’s probably not reasonable (or even desirable, I’d say – change can be fun) to expect that someone’s gonna want to keep doing only the same several few things in bed for a decade or two.

    12. This is not a matter of “who is right.” Appearances unavoidably do matter, they’re part of how we project ourselves into the world, and they help us sort out who we’ll be compatible with. Maybe some day you’ll find that your affection for this girl has deepened to the extent that you can look past her earlobes, but there’s no reason to try to force it there.

    18. I love this. Other people, those ones in public, probably love it too. Sorry!

  5. Aahh whoa not sure what happened to the first half of my giant comment there. Here is what it said:

    2. I think this is totally, totally a matter of personal preference. From what I hear, some ladies are all about it, but frankly I think encountering a totally shaved pubic area would weird out; I just do not think it is a very good look on others and I would probably not gladly adopt it myself even if a ladyfriend was into it. Seems itchy/time-consuming. I mean, probably trim to some extent if there’s a lot going on down there, just for easier access. But I say: do not worry about it. You will be fine.

    6. So let’s see. In the “Stay Together Column” we have . . . uh, several years of having stayed together so far. In the “Break Up” column we have the fact that she’s developed (unspecified) unpleasant characteristics and you can’t relate to her at all anymore. What do you think?

    7. Not very, I bet. I can think of numerous examples of people I’ve known who might be said to have both bad skin and girl/boyfriends. But pretty much every gal has some major insecurity that makes her feel undesirable (I mean I feel like I have about twelve at any given moment) and prevents her from acting like someone who’s open to being wanted; projecting confidence and working under the assumption that you are hot stuff and people are naturally going to be into you is about the only cure for it, I think.

    9. So obviously the choking thing doesn’t do much for you, but there are other sexy things you guys do together that do turn you on, right? And doesn’t it feel good to do something for her that she really loves, even if it wouldn’t be your fav thing otherwise? If the answer to both those things is no, though, and you can’t imagine those “no”s ever turning into yeses, you guys may not be so cut out for each other sexually. Sometimes sexual interests change and grow; it’s probably not reasonable (or even desirable, I’d say – change can be fun) to expect that someone’s gonna want to keep doing the same couple things in bed for a decade or two.

    • I should clarify re: #9 that I am working under the assumption that this is not intense, bruise-leaving, real-deal choking that’s going on. Cause obvs that is not safe and you should not and should not have to do unsafe things.

  6. Taking a stab at all of them!

    1. How do I create my own lesbian identity? i.e. I don’t know how to identify as a lesbian because I’ve only just figured it out, so what do I have to do to understand/feel comfortable with the idea of this being me?

    I agree with a previous poster. Who were you before you were gay? That’s still you! Being comfortable with yourself takes time. You do this: you get involved with organizations that mean a lot to you, you volunteer for causes that mean a lot to you, you read books that seem interesting, you read the news, you hang out with other gay people (GLBT groups in your city, university, or school). Developing passions and an “identity” is hard, and you have to shoot around blindly sometimes…but the more things you get involved with because they pique your interest for whatever reason, the more comfortable you’ll feel about yourself :). Basically, don’t just sit around and wring your hands. If you like it (or her!), follow your heart and do it. That involves everything from hockey to protests to taking walks to licking vag ;).

    2. I’ve never really ‘done anything’ with a girl. But I’m going to be heading to college this fall, and I’m nervous. I’m gay. I’m sexually oblivious. I guess what I’m trying to say without sounding really awkward is should I shave my girly parts?

    First of all, I think you’re putting the cart before the horse. Idk what you expect out of college, but chances are you aren’t going to get there and suddenly get a thousand offers from girls who wanna put their face in your crotch. More than likely, you’ll meet some gay friends, you can talk to them about it, you’ll meet a sweet girl, you’ll make out a few times, you can talk to her about it, whatever. But just to answer your questions, it really depends on the amount of hair you have down there, what your partner likes, and what YOU like and what YOU’RE confident with. Honestly pussy-licking is hard for me as the giver when the receiver has a lot of hair (I don’t mind from a sexual attraction standpoint, but it’s hard to see!), and honestly I prefer how it feels physically (as the receiver) when it is trimmed and/or waxed. But some girls love the bush and get irritated when they shave. Try it out. Trim it. Do you like it? Yes? Go with that then :). No? Let it run free.

    3. I just realized that I can’t remember whether or not I’ve ever met Lil Bow Wow and am moderately distraught about the following things: 1) Why do I care? 2) HAVE I ever met Lil Bow Wow???

    1. There’s something wrong with you 2. Probably not

    4. I think I determined I’m gay but I’m scared and confused and have people telling me all this stuff..what do I do? How do I sort things? This is one of the smaller issues in my life but I really dunno what to do :S

    What kinda stuff are they telling you? You’re YOU! Being gay doesn’t change you. It just changes who you wanna fuck. My answer to the identity question applies here. Do the stuff you wanna do (girls and otherwise!).

    5. I’m a femme and no one knows I’m a lesbian. Where can I find erm, gay clothing? Or shirts that are related to being a lesbian I suppose?

    Hahaha. Well, ok. Actually, this is a valid question. I definitely am afraid of femmes/don’t approach them/fear that they are straight. But look, unless you shave your head and wear combat boots, people still aren’t going to be “sure” you’re gay. In fact, some people might still simply take that as “military and dangerous” rather than “totes homo”. It would take you sitting on a girls’ lap and sucking her face for a lot of people to think, hmm, I think she might like girls! And then they’ll assume you’re taken! So that doesn’t do you any good ;). So, the solution is, you just have to TALK about it! Tell your friends you’re gay. Tell girls you are gay. APPROACH women. FLIRT with women. Come on. Don’t be so passive. There is no secret t-shirt you can wear. I’m sorry!

    6. My gf & I have been together for several yrs but in the last few she’s changed in ways I never imagined–not all of them pleasant. Lately it seems we don’t share a single interest anymore. We seem to be polar opposites now. I’m confused about what to do.

    Mrrrr :/ Well, do you still enjoy spending time with her? Can you appreciate her interests? Can she appreciate yours? Can you learn from your differences? Share in your differences? From the way you wrote your question, it sounds like you like to go snowboarding every day and she hates it and can take no interest in it, and she likes to shop every day and you hate it and you can take no interest in it. If that is the case, y’all should dump each other. People do grow up and they do change. Sometimes this is ok – we introduce our partner to new things and new sides of us. We find new things to enjoy about each other. This can be a good thing. If we didn’t change, we’d be hella boring, wouldn’t we? But sometimes this is bad. Sometimes we become people that our partners simply don’t like. And if that’s the case, don’t hang around just for old time’s sake.

    7. How off-putting is bad skin? I’m an adult but I have eczema&other hereditary problems. I think I’m a decent person, but I feel like no one will take the time & get past what they see. Thus far no one’s proven me wrong & my self-esteem is kinda plummeting.

    Well, I can’t see you, so I have no idea how “bad” it is. But skin problems are one physical flaw, yes. That said, everyone has a physical flaw, and whenever we get with a nice girl or a nice boy we overlook or come to appreciate whatever that flaw is in each other. In my experience, personality can change how attractive a person is physically to me…be outgoing…be confident…do what you can to minimize whatever flaws you have in the pursuit of said confidence (do your hair nice, put on some makeup, whatever), and go for it.

    8. Westboro Baptist Church make me lose all faith in humanity, they make me too sad for words and I don’t know what to think or do about this. Is there anything I can do to counteract them?

    YES. Lobby for gay rights in your state. So many people “support” gay rights but they don’t tell that to their senators or to their representatives. TELL THEM. TELL THEM you will not stand for discriminatory laws. And in your everyday life, be out, be proud, be gay, and ask your friends to support you. Or support your out gay friends if you are straight.

    9. So my girlfriend asked me to choke her. I was like… uhh, okay? And I did. Now I’ve done it more times, but I just don’t like it. She loves it. We’ve been together for a year. She always wants more intense things out of sex. I was content in September.

    Duuuude I knoooow. Well, two things here. One, we are allowed to have sexual acts that we dislike or feel are unsafe. Choking is one of those things you don’t have to do, even if you’re “GGG” as Dan Savage would say (good, giving, game). If this is serious choking, and not just light “role play” choking, you should stop. Immediately. I don’t give a shit how much your girl likes it. That’s really dangerous. It doesn’t even have to cause bruises to restrict her airflow and do some really damaging things. If this is stopping her from breathing, it’s not safe, end of story.

    Second issue, you are clearly a bit more vanilla than your gf, and not just in regards to the choking. My suggestion is that you have to come to some sort of compromise. Ease slowly into her extreme sex, for one. It seems like she might just be moving too fast. If there is no amount of moving slow that will make you want to have extreme hardc0re bondage sex every time you bang, well, that’s fine too – have nice vanilla days AND extreme days. Mix it up. You should want to fulfill her sexual needs because you like seeing her turned on and fulfilled. But she should similarly have the same respect for your needs, and should be able to enjoy some nice, vanilla sex regularly as well :).

    10. I’m very feminine and dont look gay so I am assumed to be straight by EVERYONE! Thus, I am forced to choose between coming out to errybody, which sucks, or enduring comments that suggest I am straight (bad cuz being gay is important to me) It Gets Better?

    Look, fyi, I’m not the most femme girl in existence, and I am still presumed straight by everyone I know. Coming out to everyone, continuously, is something that most gay people have to go through. It gets better in that you won’t hate it so much as time goes on…coming out isn’t that scary, trust me ;).

    11. I think my mom got really confused when I compared being gay to roller coasters. Like before I go on a roller coaster I have to tell myself that the 23423 people before me came out alive, kinda like the millions of gay people. Is that a dumb comparison?!

    No, awesome :D

    12. So I kinda like this girl, and she likes me. she’s awesome, really. EXCEPT she has huuuuge stretched ears. I don’t mean small plugs I mean FUCKING HUGE okay. And I just…. I cant do it. I am SO SO SO turned off by it. It’s ruining her for me. I cant even go on a date with her. And she’s hot and lovely and my friends say I’m being too picky and shallow but like…. it’s her head! IT’S HER FACE! It’s horrible. It’s the same with nipple piercings and shitty tattoos. They’re deal breakers for me. Who is right / what do I do?

    Dude, you tried. Be her friend. Get to know her better AS A FRIEND. Maybe one day you will develop a physical attraction to her, but now is not that day. For now you guys can totally be lesbros and awesome wingmen and pick up hot chicks TOGETHER rather than pick up EACH OTHER. Your friends need to get over it and mind their own business.

    13. How can I get my mom to stop using gay and queer as an insult? I’ve had the rational ‘it’s hurtful and wrong and this is why’ conversation…but she basically just said that was silly and people are entitled to their opinions. How do I make her listen?

    Google “gay bullying statistics.” Show her. Tell her it’s not just an “opinion” she has – she’s being a bully, and these behaviors drive thousands of gay teens to depression, and yes, suicide. Show her the FACTS. Furthermore, when adults bully, they tell kids it’s ok to bully too. Kids that beat up gay kids on the playground probably don’t have parents who tell them calling people “faggots” is wrong. Just a guess.

    14. The wife and I are about to drive across country on vacation! We are trying to eat healthy and avoid fast food places. Any suggestions?

    Farmers markets!!! Road side stands!!! Fresh vegetables and fruits are the way to go and totally a great way to get a feel for the local flavor :). Otherwise, stop at grocery stores.

    15. My girlfriend is moving away and she wants me to follow and move in with her. I’m concerned that it’s early in the relationship and she doesn’t know my craziness well enough to want to cohabitate. How do I tell her without it seeming like a break up talk?

    Dude, I can’t answer this without knowing some key facts, i.e. how far away is she moving? Basically, you need to say it like you said here “It’s too early in the relationship to move in with you, but I DO see this relationship going forward and growing still…I DO see myself possibly wanting to move in with you in the future, but right now we need to spend more time getting to know each other. If you move away, I commit to talking to you X times a week, visiting you X times a month/year, and then in six months or a year or two years we’ll reevaluate and maybe I will move in with you then”. Basically, you need to show her how you intend to keep this relationship alive and progressing forward, even with the distance.

    16. Last night my gf broke down and told me that she was scared everytime we have sex… She feels guilty that I do ‘everything’. She doesn’t seem to hear that she makes me feel so good every single time! Got any tips to help me build her confidence?

    Awwww. Poor girl! Well, help her out!! Give her suggestions about how she can take control, and start really slow…i.e. don’t ask her to tie you up right away, but start with guiding her hand during sex regularly, or otherwise asking for her to do certain things on a regular basis. Also, be more vocal about what she does to you that you enjoy. But at some point, tell the girl you will not be an enabler – you love her, you love what she does in bed, and no more whining ;). MOST IMPORTANTLY – HAVE A LOT OF SEX!!!! Nothing cures sex fears like doin it all the time ;).

    17. I have a friend who is a dude and I think he likes me. I’m totes homo. I think he thinks a chasing Amy situation could happen. How do I nip this in the bud without being awk about it. I do love the guy, just not penis in vagina-style.

    When he makes an advance, turn him down. Say, “Sorry, I love you, but not in that way. I’m gay.” This is really the least awkward thing possible and it’s actually really easy. The question is will he take no for an answer? You won’t know until you tell him.

    18. My mom says really awkward things such as “college admissions people cream their pants over that shit.” Especially in public. How do I make her stop?

    “Mom, it makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that in public. I’m just not as open as you about these things, even though I appreciate that YOU are open and comfortable with it!”

    19. I make THE WORST first impressions. I’m a really cool, smart person, but I just insane nerves and come off as really stupid and boring or annoying and out of control. i imagine you make really fantastic first impressions. do you have any tips?

    Just tell people!! At the conclusion of your first meeting, say hey, I really enjoyed hanging out with you. I can be really nervous the first time I meet someone so don’t hold it against me!! I’m much more normal the second time :)

    And make a second impression :)

    Also, practice practice practice.

    20a. I started dating a real, live poet. She’s adorbs, but…I feel emotionally inept. SO many feelings. How do I share?

    What, cause she’s a poet and you’re not? She must know not everyone is a poet. Do you draw? Do you sing? What are YOUR strengths? Show your emotions in ways you are comfortable with, and be a passionate cool person you yourself are proud of. She will see that in you and either take it, or leave it. If she leaves it, her loss ;). I DO NOT draw or sing, but I actually still played my gf songs, wrote little comics or drew little cartoons for her (badly, but I thought they were cute), took her out to cool places, etc. And sometimes, it’s nice to hear something not in poem form. “You’re sexy, and I love you” isn’t exactly poetic, but it’s cool. At least she doesn’t have to spend hours figuring out what you mean ^^

    20b. How do people who cannot share their emotions share their emotions? I would really like to, especially since I’ve been getting all these ~feelings~ lately and I don’t know what to do.

    See above.

    21. Is there a cure for lesbian bed death? I’m afraid we may have hit a brick wall.

    Duh there are cures. But there’s soooo many reasons it might be happening. You two are busy, you two aren’t mixing it up in bed, you two are no longer attractive to each other, you two don’t dress up, don’t go on dates, you have kids, I mean shit, to know the answers you must know the questions.

  7. 1. Your lesbian identity exists ready-made the moment you identify as a lesbian. Like others have said, you’re still you. You just owned another word that helps describe how you see your fabulous, multifaceted self. Maybe I’m being too literal, but the only thing you have to be comfortable with is the idea of being sexual exclusively with women (and some people would argue that’s not a requirement).

    4. Can you let it be OK to be unsure whether or not you’re gay for awhile? That you wonder if you might be / don’t know if you are / are exploring the possibility that you’re gay? If that’s not your style, can you decide “OK, for the next two months I’m going to be Gayelle McGayerson and no one gets to tell me anything because I’m gayer than all of them”? At the end of the trial, if the word feels right, fab. Otherwise, try on a different one.

    5. I asked some lesbian femmes about how they signal homo interest. They said mastering eye contact is way more effective than wearing rainbows or flannel at showing your interest in women and disinterest in men. Plus, eye contact is available even when your rainbow scarf isn’t.

    6. If you and your gf have no shared interests and are polar opposites, are you confused about what to do or wishing you didn’t know what needs to be done? If you really are confused, have you done a pro and con list to make sure you’re not taking the good stuff for granted and just focusing on what bugs you? If you have grown apart and aren’t actively working to bridge the gap, then break up. That may sound harsh, but you both deserve better than the cliche of living as roommates for months or years before breaking up.

    7. After a bad break up I was very focused on all the things that were wrong with me / that my ex disliked. My friends kept hammering at me that there is nothing more unattractive than low self-esteem. As I focused less on my flaws, people responded to me better. My flaws didn’t go away. I’m sure some people are still put off by them. But plenty saw past the flaws to me. Maybe a similar approach of skipping over your imperfect skin and focusing on improving your self-esteem could work for you?

    9. There are two ways to read this sex and choking question: you’re unsatisfied with the things you do or you’re doing things you don’t want to do. If you’re unsatisfied, talk to her. Negotiate sex differently so you get more of your needs met. Sex is give and take, not winner take all (unless, of course, that’s what you both want).

    If you’re doing things you don’t want to do, stop. Good boundaries around sex are hugely important, especially for women. If you aren’t comfortable doing something, don’t do it. Even if you’ve done it before it doesn’t mean you have to ever do it again. If it’s something you want to do but aren’t yet comfortable with, then find a way to approach it differently or more slowly. Otherwise you’re training your body that sex is unpleasant / scary / uncomfortable and that diminishes the pleasure and satisfaction available to you.

    10. In non-queer spaces I think most people are going to be assumed to be straight no matter how they look. The femmes I asked (#5) said to cultivate your “dick-withering glare” and use it whenever anyone assumes you’re straight. Apparently it won’t change the world at large but can dramatically change the tenor of your transactions.

    12. If it’s a deal breaker, don’t try to date the woman. Doesn’t matter if it’s picky or shallow. It turns you off. You both deserve better.

    16. If your gf is scared every time you have sex have you tried slowing down / backing up and spending more time doing things she’s not scared of and feels comfortable participating in? Maybe things moved a little too quickly for her and she needs to retrace her steps to catch up with you.

    17. Take the guy to a lesbian bar / space. If he acts remotely tool-like, take him outside, explain why his behavior is completely unacceptable (no shitting where you eat), and then ask him to leave while you go back inside. Confrontation or not, it only takes one or two trips before he’ll get it.

    20a & 20b. I found it easier expressing emotions when I had a better vocabulary for them. This sounds cheesy, but it works. Find a list of feelings e.g. http://bit.ly/g0Kqgg When you have a feeling, you can run it against the list. You may find the exact right word. Or you may come up with something close but not right. If you can’t match what you’re feeling to the word, find the closest word, then look up that word’s synonyms until you find a word that fits.

    Once you have the vocabulary you can explore the emotion with “how do you know you feel X?” I think those “how do you know” details are a lot of what expressive people capture and communicate.

    Journals and therapy are used to figure out why you feel that way and what to do with the feelings, especially if they aren’t helpful.

    21. Do you both want to resurrect your sex life? If not, lbd might be a symptom of the ending of your relationship. If you both want it and there’s any life left at all, then I think it’s possible to reignite the pilot light. Whether you’ve lost the habit or the desire, you both have to work at reclaiming it. It’s like when you’ve stopped working out for awhile; the first many times back aren’t going to be your best workouts. The important thing is getting back into the habit and the groove. Start over at the beginning. The performance will come back with time. And also like working out, it could be that you stopped because you got bored with your training regimen. So make the new start fresh in as many ways as possible.

  8. 2. It’s up to you whether you want to shave or not – sometimes I get fits of shaving, sometimes I trim, sometimes I just can’t be bothered. And as for not knowing what to do – honey, I only just had my first time with a woman in December and I’m 25 and past college, you’re not the only one! The most important and useful thing was to let the other woman show you; she’ll likely be more than happy to guide you along to how to please you :)

  9. 2. To reiterate what everyone else said, do what you like. However, I also find shaving distasteful, and somewhat infeasible in my personal situation, so trimming is my preference. And for all you trimmers out there, behold! The best invention made for a man’s beard but totally perfect for your cooch! Small and waterproof! Lasts forever! Use it in the shower and wash away the evidence!

  10. I’mma give this a go.

    1. I’ve only just figured this out too and honestly all I can say is find other lesbians and bond with them. In real life or online. It’s what I’ve done and through all the highs and lows, they’ve made me feel so much less alone. Community is a wonderful thing. From what I can see, identity is always changing: find people who will stay on that ride with you.

    2. I’m 17 and have done really nothing noteworthy with girls (well, second base, but that’s a long story involving two straight-ish friends and a german lesson), so I can’t help you with the ‘sexually oblivious’ part, but I can say read up. Also, don’t shave if you don’t want to. Same as everyone else.

    3. Best question ever. Can’t help you, but I desperately hope you did meet him.

    4. Follow everybody else’s advice. I’m still in that phase where I’m out to everyone but my family, who I know won’t care, so seeing as I’m stuck partway through sorting things out, I don’t feel like I can really tell you how to work things out.

    5. What everyone else says. The FCKH8 shirts and ‘Nobody knows I’m a lesbian’/’My girlfriend is a lesbian’ shirts seem to be the best option.

    6. This is like me and my best friend on 7 years, we broke up recently for this reason. People change. If you guys have changed too much for the relationship to work anymore, it doesn’t seem fair to stay together. It certainly wasn’t fair for me to stay friends with X towards the end, and vice versa.

    7. I have acne and have to use medication twice daily to maintain fairly normal-looking skin. People with bad skin do not put me off in the slightest.

    8. Protest them, troll them, sign petitions, etc. The usual. They suck, I know.

    9. If you’re not content with things anymore, it seems like you should talk to her about your worries. Communication is key, I’m told.

    10. Ohhh yes I get this from my parents all the time, esp cause they’re very progressive and my mum reads Autostraddle (she is a heterosexual married-for-28-years roller-derby player who defies the gender binary) anyways. I think you might have to tell people, which does suck, hence why I’ve not quite done it yet either and just sort of twitch every time they talk about me getting a boyfriend.

    11. It’s an awesome comparison and now I want to go on a rollercoaster. Can I steal it for when I come out to my folks? They’re the type to feel sad for me cause people hate da gayz.

    12. You’re right if it really is something you can’t get past. If she’s stretched them that big it’s unlikely she’d take them out for you, and they’re not gonna go back to normal if they’re really that big. Like, ever. I’m the same, I cannot cope with them because there is this boy in my college class who takes out his stretchers and like, picks at his lobes IN CLASS. I actually convulse with disgust when I see people do this.

    13. Just try to reiterate how much it means to you personally. She has a point when you talk about it being insensitive to other people, but she doesn’t realise you actually mean you. So tell her it pisses you off, straight-up.

    14. I do not know what country this is but if it’s the USA, Whole Foods. I’m a Brit and I went to New York, New York recently and like, lived off Whole Foods. Everything at Whole Foods is awesome. End of. /wholefoodsfangirl

    15. Communication. Proceed with caution. Tell her your worries, and if she’s right for you she’ll understand and you’ll find a solution/compromise to suit you both. Then again, I’m 17-years-old. My life/romantic experience is kinda limited.

    16. Oh wow. I hope you’ll understand that I can’t really help with this one. Other than, communication? That old chestnut.

    17. OMG I have this exact problem. Just tell him what’s up. Be firm. He’ll move on and get a girlfriend and things will be awesome again in a purely platonic way.

    18. LMFAO YOUR MUM SHOULD MEET MINE, IT’D BE AWESOME. Sorry, no advice, I just think your mum is rad as hell.

    19. I have the same things but basically I just act how I feel inside about myself. I think I’m pretty awesome, so I act in a way that would show the world that. But the problem is I have no idea how I tricked my body into doing that while my brain freaks out over social interactions. Sorry.

    20a+b. Whoever said ‘press enter in between sentences’, FOUR FOR YOU GLENN COCO, YOU GO GLENN COCO

    21. -runs away-

  11. 15. Be genuine! Explain that you care about her and your relationship and feel that it’s in the relationship’s best interest to live separately and still stay together. Have a conversation about it! She has to respect you for that.

  12. 2. I’ve never really ‘done anything’ with a girl. But I’m going to be heading to college this fall, and I’m nervous. I’m gay. I’m sexually oblivious. I guess what I’m trying to say without sounding really awkward is should I shave my girly parts?
    –Whatever feels right for you.

    4. I think I determined I’m gay but I’m scared and confused and have people telling me all this stuff..what do I do? How do I sort things? This is one of the smaller issues in my life but I really dunno what to do :S
    –Smaller issues really get to people hey? Fuck, I know what this parts like. When people tell you that you maybe just dont know your feelings, they will change, and gay is a choice, blah blah, its so frustrating and not helpful at all. Maybe find a good therapist, but I had no success in that, I was even more confused. Follow your heart, only you know you.

    5. I’m a femme and no one knows I’m a lesbian. Where can I find erm, gay clothing? Or shirts that are related to being a lesbian I suppose?
    –Plaid is always a plus.

    6. My gf & I have been together for several yrs but in the last few she’s changed in ways I never imagined–not all of them pleasant. Lately it seems we don’t share a single interest anymore. We seem to be polar opposites now. I’m confused about what to do.

    –Communicate, talk to her. Maybe she just isnt for you. People change, thats the reality of life. Its sad and I hope you figure things out.

    8. Westboro Baptist Church make me lose all faith in humanity, they make me too sad for words and I don’t know what to think or do about this. Is there anything I can do to counteract them?

    –Hold your head up tall, walk proud and fight them. Think of it this way, they are wasting their lives hating, so why should we even care?

    10. I’m very feminine and dont look gay so I am assumed to be straight by EVERYONE! Thus, I am forced to choose between coming out to errybody, which sucks, or enduring comments that suggest I am straight (bad cuz being gay is important to me) It Gets Better?

    –Theres nothing wrong with being feminine. Make suggestive comments that your not straight from time to time, that always helps. Just dont bat an eye doing it when you respond to comments suggesting your hetero.

    12. So I kinda like this girl, and she likes me. she’s awesome, really. EXCEPT she has huuuuge stretched ears. I don’t mean small plugs I mean FUCKING HUGE okay. And I just…. I cant do it. I am SO SO SO turned off by it. It’s ruining her for me. I cant even go on a date with her. And she’s hot and lovely and my friends say I’m being too picky and shallow but like…. it’s her head! IT’S HER FACE! It’s horrible. It’s the same with nipple piercings and shitty tattoos. They’re deal breakers for me. Who is right / what do I do?

    –I think I know who this is. And it is her body, maybe try not to focus on that as much I suppose.. or walk away. I think it would bother me too and make me feel shallow, honestly. I know it would.

    13. How can I get my mom to stop using gay and queer as an insult? I’ve had the rational ‘it’s hurtful and wrong and this is why’ conversation…but she basically just said that was silly and people are entitled to their opinions. How do I make her listen?

    –My moms like this a lot, although in her case its slightly intentional because she wants that effect. Cant make a person change. Hang out with her less or something.

    17. I have a friend who is a dude and I think he likes me. I’m totes homo. I think he thinks a chasing Amy situation could happen. How do I nip this in the bud without being awk about it. I do love the guy, just not penis in vagina-style.

    –Im in the same situation, my best guy friend I dated 3 years ago recently asked me out again. Its no secret he likes me, he has regularly hinted at it. Maybe wear a “Im a lesbian” shirt? Could work and it wouldnt be impolite.

    19. I make THE WORST first impressions. I’m a really cool, smart person, but I just insane nerves and come off as really stupid and boring or annoying and out of control. i imagine you make really fantastic first impressions. do you have any tips?

    –Talk less, listen more I suppose. I do the same thing and always give bad impressions about 90% of the time. We’re only human.

    20a. I started dating a real, live poet. She’s adorbs, but…I feel emotionally inept. SO many feelings. How do I share?

    –Communication is key.

    20b. How do people who cannot share their emotions share their emotions? I would really like to, especially since I’ve been getting all these ~feelings~ lately and I don’t know what to do.

    –For me, its through daily things I do. Maybe its lame, but for me, its sketching, painting, doing something sweet for someone, whatever. It doesnt always have to be words.

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