Good grief it’s FREEZING out there! JK I’m in Phoenix and it’s anything but freezing: boring, warm, stringy, claustrophobic — like the inside of a spaghetti squash. What’s it like where you are? Are there ex-girlfriends roaming free like pre-Jesus mastodons? Are you bleeding everywhere? Was there a child so stereotypically freckled and loud, screaming outside your window in a striped shirt, that for three hours you believed you must be on the set of your very own Truman Show? WELL THEN, have I got a post for you! Welcome to Formspring Friday! This is where you get to help other queerdos reach nirvana by answering their questions, giving them advice and talking it all out.
Formspring Friday is what happens when our Formspring inboxes get too full and we can’t answer them ourselves. If you have a question you’d like answered by an Autostraddle editor in our You Need Help column, because we’re so old/wise/full of emotions, you can send an email to this shiny new address: youneedhelp [at] autostraddle [dot] com. This if for your longform situations, your big issues, your feelingsfests. Formspring has a word limit, see, and email doesn’t, so we hope you’ll us the former for your little things and the latter for your bigger things.
Here are your crunchy delicious questions for today!
10 Formspring Questions For You To Answer
1. I have a friend and she is like a 10 and I’m more of a 7, but I really like her but I understand that I don’t have a chance currently. Should I get to know her or agonize over becoming what she might want?
2. My sister is pregnant and she’s bound to get a lot of holiday presents that are more for her future babe than for her. I want to get something for HER for the 7 months in between, but I am totally clueless as to what. Ideas? I don’t have a ton of dough.
3. Me and my friend were very close. Then we started arguing everyday over nothing. I liked her and she liked me too but only emotionally not physically. We dont really speak anymore and she thinks its whats best. What does this mean & why doesnt she care?
4. I’m totally cool with first dates and hanging out but why oh why am I so bad at texting girls I like?! This is quite literally the only thing that gives me anxiety! What can I do??
5. There’s this girl and we’re good friends, but I like her as more than a friend, but she has no clue and is always talking about this other girl she likes, and I try to be supportive, but every time my heart breaks a little. Can we still be friends?
6. I’m 23 and trying to do college again but I keep having anxiety and dread about going to class and interacting with other humans and it’s so hard to stay motivated. Basically idk what I’m doing or why. Do you have any tips for this vague prob?
7. What if I accidentally use the pet name I used to call my ex with the new girl?
8. I’ve joined lots of new groups recently (derby, college, ACamp) full of cool people I really want to like me, and it gets so exhausting pretending that I am someone worth hanging out with all the time. How do I stop trying to project me and just be me?
9. There is the most gorgeous perfect woman at my meditation and her presence is totally screwing with my concentration. What can I do??? Can I ever find spiritual happiness when I’m having such thoughts?
10. She loves me very much, and I love that she loves me, but I don’t love her. When we have sex I think of other people, yet I truly care about her, but I feel like an asshole and a fraud. I’m not sure how I got into this situation, what should I do?
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10. She loves me very much, and I love that she loves me, but I don’t love her. When we have sex I think of other people, yet I truly care about her, but I feel like an asshole and a fraud. I’m not sure how I got into this situation, what should I do?
Okay, so I have been the girl you are talking about and I can tell you this girl knows you don’t love her. But she loves you so she is going to stick around for a while until she gets the self-respect to leave or until she realizes you are never going to love her back. If you really care about her, truly, then you should break it off really gently and firmly. Tell her honestly about your feelings, but try not to stress too much that you’re not in love with her. Just tell her you aren’t in the same place as she is and you don’t know if you ever will be, and you care about her too much to keep her involved with you when she deserves someone who will feel as strongly about her as she does about them.
Honesty and kindness are the key!
1. I have a friend and she is like a 10 and I’m more of a 7 …
did you know that in math 7 is not only a prime number but a Happy Prime and a Lucky Prime. (shout out to mr. fester. I did listen,yknow) suck that 10.
well and lets continue w/ the geekery because even more important than math is what Harry Potter says and HP thinks you’re the most magical number there is!also HP is rocking a 7 on his jersey when playing quidditch.
and to put the gay cherry on the gay cake, in german cats have 7 lives (not 9).
also numbers are BS. she might think you’re a 10 and she’s a 7. you’re cute.she’s cute.try being cute together.fuck math.
Exactly – I was gonna say that one woman’s 7 is another woman’s 10.
8. I have this problem as well… Additionally, sometimes I feel like I’m juggling different personas based on my activities! The first thing I do is relax. And then I relax some more. I try not to think so much before I speak, and I don’t let myself exaggerate or emphasize anything unnecessarily. I turn off the people pleasing (and with over 6 years of theatre, music, and customer service under my belt, that can be hard). I try to think and respond logically rather than emotionally.
I have this mantra. If they like me, they’ll like me. If they don’t, I can’t convince them otherwise.
If you can rein in the emotions and the desire to please, then you’ll save yourself months of agonizing over it. And you’ll be much more confident, because you’ll know that the people who like you do so because they like YOU, not the exaggerated cartoon version of you. It’s a snowball effect, because when you’re more confident, people will like you more. It’s like an endless cycle of good self esteem and love and rainbow sparkles and fluffy kittens.
2.) Maybe like a workout video/book with exercises for pregnant women? Or a really funny movie? When my mom was pregnant with me, her water broke after watching her favorite movie, “Honeymoon in Vegas,” and she said it was because she was laughing so hard. So she always suggests really funny movies for pregnant women around their due date.
4.) It’s totally because, unlike an actual face-to-face convo, you have to wait so long in between text messages and then you worry that they won’t respond, etc. etc. I think everyone has this problem? The only real thing to do is only text when you have other things going on. Put on some Netflix while you’re texting and lose yourself in it, or knit, or do a crossword, or talk to someone face-to-face. Just take your mind off of it. And don’t look at a clock and count down the seconds ticking away before they respond.
8.) Who doesn’t behave like a kind of different person when they’re with new people? It’s like a car lot and all the cars are shiny and looking their best so they’ll sell, even though they might break down later. Attract all the flies with your honey, then pick out the people you really want to be friends with and let yourself get comfortable around them and you’ll eventually be yourself.
Oh man, I hope someone gives a good answer for #6 because I totally could have asked it and I’m so loooooooossssssssttttttttt. :(
1. Okay, so I initially read this as “My friend is like, 10 and I’m 7” and I was thinking “Ok tiny queer, you are super young to be reading Autostraddle” but now that I see it correctly, I must agree with Lina above that hotness-numbers are bullshit and subjective, and you should get to know this lady immediately.
And I am also eagerly anticipating #6’s answer as the supportive and motivated girlfriend of someone who has no idea what they’re doing in life or why they’re repeating first year for the third time.
I read #1 EXACTLY like that also! My reaction was “wow. You are WAY ahead of your time, child… go watch cartoons or something.”
And in YOUR comment, the quote marks confused my brain and I thought you thought they were talking about how tall they are. It took me a second to figure out you didn’t mean “tiny queer” in the literal sense.
#5 makes me sad because I’ve been the oblivious friend who rambles about other people. Sigh. Ultimately, you’ll have two options that are in your control: either tell her gently what your feelings are, or at least that you’re put in awkward situations because of her rambling; or just muster the strength and wait it out, either until she realizes that you’re the one she actually is crazy about (oops, projecting) or you get over her.
#6 – Have you considered taking online courses? I had a number of friends (for various reasons) that took supplementary online courses either through their university or a university that their institution is aligned with. You don’t have to do your entire program online (since that’s not always an option for your program), but at least you can reduce the anxiety with attending ALL your courses with ALL those people ALL the time.
#2 – What would you get your sister if she wasn’t pregnant? I feel like buying something for her that’s baby-specific is basically like saying “Whoops! You are no longer an individual, just a vessel for your tiny human” which sucks.
#1 – She might feel the same way about you. Or not! That’s cool, too, but Christ, don’t ever ever ever ever ever feel like someone’s “out of your league” or you’re not “good enough”. If you’re friends, that obviously means you’ve passed the most rigorous test of standards for who she wants to spend her time with.
#10 – Get out of the relationship as soon as you can for her sake. Seriously, there will be nothing good coming from this if you prolong this. Also, anticipate a really messy breakup just because of all the emotions involved, but ultimately, it’s for the best. (Oops, projecting again. Sigh.)
The best part about formspring fridays is that every time there is at least one question (if not more) where I have to reread it carefully and go “Did I ask this? Is this me?” and then whether it is me or not, I can go find advice for my similar situation.
<3
You could make a scrapbook or assemble a book of interesting postcards/photographs/posters for your sister. If there’s something she’s particularly passionate about or interested in you could center the scrapbook/album/etc around that.
2. What would you get her if she was not actually pregnant? I’d go for that. She’s probably getting a lot of gifts that are either about her future child or about her future identity as a mom. What about her own personal identity outside that?
5. That’s ultimately up to you. Weigh up the pros of being her friend with the cons of having to deal with her cluelessness. The heavier side wins.
6. Keep pushing! It takes a while to change the boundaries of your comfort zone. You might also find it helpful to see a counsellor or therapist – see if your school has a counselling center that you could take advantage of.
7. Does she know you used it with the old girl? If no, I fail to see a problem!
8. You don’t need to pretend you’re worthy of hanging out with – you ARE worthy of hanging out with. At the end of the day, this comes down to confidence which I find really comes down to practice.
9. See it as a challenge? :)
5. Darling, give yourself some space. No one ever said we have to be around our friends all the time, sometimes it’s best to take a break and some time to breathe and grieve. Because it sucks when you want someone who wants someone else. If you stick around, you’ll probs start resenting her a little and that’s not good for anyone! Take a break before you can’t be friends anymore because you punched her in the face.
1. I have a friend and she is like a 10 and I’m more of a 7, but I really like her but I understand that I don’t have a chance currently. Should I get to know her or agonize over becoming what she might want?
Okay so I might be wrong, but I think it’s normal to see your crush/yourself as these numbers? I would say that most people think they’re about a 7, unless you’re super confident– in which case, good job! And if you have a major crush on someone you’d probably put them at a 10. And I think that’s mostly… okay? Hotness and attractiveness is totally subjective and you have no idea how she perceives herself, either… she might think she’s a 5 or something. Anyway if you want to go for it, then do it.
2. My sister is pregnant and she’s bound to get a lot of holiday presents that are more for her future babe than for her. I want to get something for HER for the 7 months in between, but I am totally clueless as to what. Ideas? I don’t have a ton of dough.
Well what do you usually get her? I assume you’ve been buying gifts for a while and have a vague idea of her interests? Music, art, books, etc?
4. I’m totally cool with first dates and hanging out but why oh why am I so bad at texting girls I like?! This is quite literally the only thing that gives me anxiety! What can I do??
There are lots of people who say, upfront, that they’re not that into texting. Maybe make a joke about it in person, like that your texts might be weird/sporadic but it’s just that you hate to text, would prefer email/calling, etc?
8. I’ve joined lots of new groups recently (derby, college, ACamp) full of cool people I really want to like me, and it gets so exhausting pretending that I am someone worth hanging out with all the time. How do I stop trying to project me and just be me?
Good question. I guess you need to just accept, for yourself, that if people don’t like you/find you boring, whatever… then that is okay and not your fault because you owed it to yourself to be able to relax. And good friends don’t care about off days/annoying traits.
9. There is the most gorgeous perfect woman at my meditation and her presence is totally screwing with my concentration. What can I do??? Can I ever find spiritual happiness when I’m having such thoughts?
Well… isn’t the point of meditation to observe the thought as it comes to you, recognize it, and move on? You’re not supposed to block out thoughts completely. Just keep observing whatever you’re thinking about her as though it’s passing in front of you.
2. My sister is pregnant and she’s bound to get a lot of holiday presents that are more for her future babe than for her. I want to get something for HER for the 7 months in between, but I am totally clueless as to what. Ideas? I don’t have a ton of dough.
A poncho. It’s great because it’s something she could wear while her belly is growing and she can still wear it after she gives birth!
6. I’m not American so I don’t know how college works, but at least in Sweden there is often the opportunity to study part-time. If you have that possibility maybe it would be easier for you? In that way, you could perhaps go to class a couple of days a week. Maybe you can work something out with a student counsellor (I’m assuming they exist and have power)? In any case, be sure to give yourself time to de-stress after class. When I start new, huge, life-changing things, I get tired and anxious. I think most people do. So allow yourself to sleep a lot, and don’t feel guilty about it (I’m still working on that part…). Also find someone to talk to. Talking helps.
Also, it is fine to not become best friends with everyone in your classes. It is okay to turn up, listen to lectures, possibly nod at some people you recognize and save your energy for when you actually have to perform (group assignments etc). Yes, college/university can be an endless round of parties and people and lots of new friends and omg, but it doesn’t have to be. Everyone does their own thing ultimately.
Another thing is to try and keep track of why you’re going to college. Is it so that you can get an amazing job? Is it because you really love your subjects? Try and see the good parts about being in college.
I’m 23 and currently have no idea where I’m going to be next year. But I know that I’ve studied things that I like, so it will probably work itself out in some way, because I can use my enthusiasm for my subjects. Good luck!
#10-I am TERRIFIED that I am the one who is being talked about here. I’d want to know and although I’d be totally crushed if broken up with, I’d still rather be broken up with so I could move on and not live in a lie.
5) Relationships often change friendships. Maybe you two will naturally drift apart and it will be easier for you. Maybe you’ll be able to stay close and will get over her in due time.
I was a sophomore in college and she was a freshman when this happened to me. We were besties and then she got in a relationship. I couldn’t bear to hear about her sex life and suddenly she couldn’t hang out all the time. Our friendship faded a bit. Then she got into another relationship and I didn’t really talk to her at all and pretty much stopped thinking about her altogether.
Then two years passed and she was suddenly in my life again (we ended up in the same class) and single. Then poof I couldn’t stop thinking about her. And finally one night after some liquid courage it was obvious to her that I liked her and she made me kiss her, and now we’ve been together over a year now.
8. I’ve joined lots of new groups recently (derby, college, ACamp) full of cool people I really want to like me, and it gets so exhausting pretending that I am someone worth hanging out with all the time. How do I stop trying to project me and just be me?
I have quite a bit of social anxiety and I’ve developed several coping mechanisms to deal with it. By far the most useful social skill I ever developed was being a good listener. Ask people questions about themselves and really listen to what they’re saying. And ask follow-up questions. Rinse and repeat. People LOVE to talk about themselves for the most part and so few people today really listen. Also, by focusing on the other person rather than on trying to make yourself look cool, you will seem far more interesting. Trying to “project” a cool self puts you at risk of looking really douchey.
1. What the FUCK is this numbers business. I mean, what is it even? Are we all in a frat in the ’80s now? Or maybe this is the thing with the kids these days, because it seems like you might be very young, perhaps. (For one thing, I’m not clear on how she’s your “friend,” but you still haven’t decided whether to “get to know her.”)
It will be weird no matter what if you put her on some kind of confusing number-related pedestal. So try to erase that system of classification from your brain. What matters is if two people are good for each other. People like all sorts of different things. Pay attention to the things she likes, not her ranking on the nonexistent universal scale of ladies.
2. Couldn’t you get her the sort of thing you might get her if she weren’t pregnant? (Unless you have a holiday tradition of exchanging tequila or heroin I guess.) I feel like if everyone was suddenly viewing me through the lens of my unborn kid, I might like that. A connection to who I am and have always been as a person.
7. Wait, how would she even know? Have you sat down and had a conversation where you share what you used to call all your exes?! Even so, I’m not sure this is a problem worth planning for. It seems like a really unlikely situation. And I think only someone in a sitcom would, I dunno, slap you and run out of the bedroom in the unlikely event that this occurred.
9. I have no advice but “Can I ever find spiritual happiness when I’m having such thoughts” made me smile.
10. You get into this situation by thinking that you’re enough of a prize that you’re doing someone you aren’t really interested in a nice favor by staying with her. She may love you, but she does not need you, and she will certainly be better off without you, because then she’ll have a shot at finding someone who feels the same way about her. We care about lots of people we’re not interested in sleeping with. That isn’t relevant. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who was just kind of humoring you every time you had sex? You may not love her, but you can try to muster up some respect for her, and break up.
6. FWIW, I’ve taken some hands-on community college courses on stuff like electrical wiring, plumbing, and auto repair that I really liked. (They were a lot more fun than the generic lecture courses that I couldn’t stand). College is a huge investment, not just of the $$$, but also of time. If you aren’t sure that you love what you’re going to be studying, it might not be worth it… Because really, what you’re studying is what you’ll be doing after college, and you don’t want a career that you’re totally “meh” about. If you find a career path that really excites you, you’ll find the motivation to stay in school.
1. If you march up to this girl right this second and say “hey, so even though I’m a 7 and you’re a 10…” I will bet you every single christmas present I have bought so far that she’d be like “woah woah woah WOAH there Ms Ten!” No one’s judging you as much as you’re judging yourself, chica. Give yourself a big hug and don’t try and become anything for anyone except your own fine self.
5. Lady, if there was an answer to this then the greatest plight of the lesbo community (after discrimination and oppression) would have been wiped out centuries ago. Ladies love feelings, lesbians LOVE feelings, so through in at least one lady lovin lady to a lady friendship and things can get complicated. Just do what you can, I guess, to lessen all the hurting. If her company makes you happy then work through the crush and hope it passes, if it makes you sad because you want so badly to be her numero uno then best to put some distance and hope she understands.
9. throw in some cats and Rachel Maddow and that’s the most beautifully lesbian thing I’ve ever heard.
6) Okay! You can totally do this! I’m pretty sure about 90% of incoming students – especially “non-traditional” students (ie, 18 year old freshman) – feel this way. You need to know WHY you’re trying to do college again. No one else needs to know, that’s just for you to keep yourself motivated. Interacting with people can be scary (super introvert here!) so start slow, just try to talk to one person at a time, don’t let it overwhelm you. It’s nice in a college environment, because you can just casually say to the person next to you, “how did you feel about that homework?” or “this professor is one of my favorites!” or you can ignore them and focus on you, no one will fault you for that.
Counselling centers on campus are great if you want to talk to someone. Most schools have them and most have walk-in hours if you just need to talk for 15 minutes. The career center is going to be a great resource if you need advice on what you’re doing with your life (even those of us who work in the career centers need career counseling sometimes). Lastly, I would recommend trying to find one student group that sounds interesting and go to a meeting. You know that you’ll have something to talk about, because you’re all interested in the same topic! Your school might have a “club” for your degree that meets once a month and hosts events. Another way to make sure that you have something to talk about and don’t feel like an outsider.
Hopefully some of this helps. I work in student affairs professionally, so if you are really lost and none of this helps, let me know!