Angelina Jolie and Judge Walker Conspire To Spread Gayness, Destroy Entire World

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there was a thing in California today, like about Prop 8? What this means is that the world will now end, probably, or at least get a lot gayer and shinier. People are painting barns out there, y’all.

(Full coverage of celeb-ratory Prop 8 tweets over at Jezebel, obvs.) Also, you must read the 138-page document known as Judge Walker’s ruling. Rachel Maddow picks out some of the best bits here, and we’ll have more on that later today/tonight/soon.

But first.

As part of what is apparently a coordinated two-pronged attack, Angelina Jolie today allowed one of her children to express interest in a non-gender-normative toy/hygiene product, which means that at least eighteen little girls in California now have to marry princesses slash grow up to be huge f*cking dykes. According to US Magazine, “Pax found a ‘Magnificent Manicure Kit’ that he brought over to show Zahara. It looked like they both wanted it and they showed it to Angelina,” the observer explains of the kit, which lets kids make their lotion and give their hands a “mud bath.” After Pax and Zahara pleaded, their 35-year-old mom “agreed they could get it.” In other news, Shiloh “munched on a fruit snack.”(@usmagazine)

This is not the first time that Angelina Jolie has participated in such antics, as has been well documented, she has allowed Shiloh to wear boy clothes.

What next? Since incest and child marriage are clearly only days away from legalization in the new Gay Wild West of California, it’s entirely possible that Pax and Zahara could get married after sharing a luxurious Magnificent Manicure, and then begin adopting their own international infants, creating a kind of first-world-transracial-adoption pyramid scheme. Or, in the case of the total dissolution of heterosexual marriage, maybe Pax and Maddox and Zahara and every other improbably-named child in that family will be forced into a life of drugs and crime with their nuclear family unit completely decimated. This must be the Post-Prop-8-Repeal Golden Age for tabloid reporters – anything goes! Men marrying horses! Children marrying drag queens! Lesbians receiving pension benefits when their partners die of protracted and tragic illnesses! It’s truly a world gone mad!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Rachel

Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

Rachel has written 1142 articles for us.

20 Comments

  2. it’s a hard life for the gays out there, molesting people and buying their sons “girl stuff”.

  3. I have a deep, unwavering love for Angelina Jolie. I love to hear about her and talk about her but bullshit like she bought her kids lotion or lets them wear pants will make them gay is SO fucking annoying and stupid!

    Speaking of stupid I had a recent conversation with a friend whom I perceived to be intelligent. She is studying law at SMU, which is a pretty prestigious school in North Texas. We got on the topic of gay marriage and gays having children. This fool said that gays should not be allowed to adopt because if kids see that they may become gay.
    EYE ROLL, SIGH, SMH, FACE PALM, WALL PUNCH!

    1. Are you serious?
    2. So what about all the straight parents with kids what the hell happened there?
    3. Even if that was remotely true, so what?

    Illogical bullshit like that is the problem, not the gays.

  4. When I drive home from work I sometimes ask myself, “What’s the best that happened to you today?” to put things into perspective.

    It’s only 12:30, but so far the last paragraph of this post, plus the Real L Word Recap is the front runner.

  6. My Mom raised my brother and I gender-neutral, as I have mentioned. One time we all painted our nails together (sparkly blue, I’ve always had fantastic taste in nail polish) and my brother went to school with his nails done and got made fun of a lot and ended up crying. Granted this is like in the late 80s or early 90s. I guess it happened to me a lot too as I dressed and looked like a boy most of the time, but somehow it felt harsher when it was happening to Lewis. My Mom sometimes says that in retrospect she shouldn’t have encouraged him to do that, that she was taking it too far. I don’t know if I agree with that or not.

    I hope things have changed since then. US Weekly sensationalizing Angelina’s superior parenting methods isn’t going to help its readers to pass messages of love & gender-neutrality to its children AS THEY SHOULD.

    • I mean if she was letting her kids kill bunnies, tie each other up in the basement, smoke, set fires to mailboxes, poke old people while their sleeping then we could be worried. But the boy took an interest in hygiene.. Oh yes call CPS!

    • My brother and I were raised gender-neutral, too. While I went to Redneck School and received my share of crap about some of my tomboyish tendencies, my brother received much more of it! Like when he decided to get his ear pierced (Dad had his done) and the boys at school all called him gay. :(

  9. As a former Oakland resident, it cracks me up to think of Angelina and her kidlets running amok in the very neighborhood my kid went to school in. Like, I was just there last weekend looking at trash mags WITH HER FACE ON THE COVER. Creepy.

  10. “then begin adopting their own international infants, creating a kind of first-world-transracial-adoption pyramid scheme”

    Oooh. How many do you have to get to get your free toaster? Because i’m failing miserably at the lesbian pyramid scheme, what with being in a relationship.

  11. As a former Oakland resident, it cracks me up to think of Angelina and her kidlets running amok in the very neighborhood my kid went to school in.

    Like, I was just there last weekend looking at trash mags WITH HER FACE ON THE COVER. In a salon. Creepy.

  13. If you have one that is. You look like you’re 14. I don’t know what you are being taught in school these days. But clearly a lot of trash and more trash.

    You’re probably a bully in school or someone who gets bullied which in turn makes you want to hate the world AND a bash famous FOUR year old.

    You people are sad and cruel spewing out these vile things about a four year old and her parents that you don’t even know PERSONALLY…. aside from the internet/magazine tabloid you subscribe to.

    The world needs less people like you who are so self-righteous and judgemental. It’s sickening.
    The things you hate are probably the things you are.

    good day.

  14. I guess it wasn’t clear. There are too many things that are hateful about this post. I meant SIX year old Pax. And the buzz lately how Angelina’s children are being dressed as tomboys or being allowed to do manicures and play.

    Some people are not stereotypical and conform to society’s accepted norms. Leave those people alone, they sure don’t care what your opinions are.

    And get over your homophobias, it’s okay that you feel insecure that people will turn gay and end the world. They’re probably not that into you in the first place.

      • Anon, I am sorry if your feelings were hurt. I assure you that we want Pax and Maddox and everyone else in the world to have total freedom of gender expression and all the manicures they want. I feel that if you read the post over again, perhaps with an eye for possible sarcasm or hyperbole, this will become clear. Also, your avatar is one of my favorite pictures I’ve ever found on the internet, so kudos for that.

        Brianna, you are very pretty and I am going to buy you a drink someday.

Comments are closed.