Amanda Bynes Quits Acting, Kristen Stewart Doesn’t, Thank G*d

AMANDA BYNES WHAT:

Amanda Bynes, who some of you may remember from gems such as The Amanda Show and Hairspray, has announced her plans to retire from acting at the ridiculous age of 24. The actress tweeted her retirement plans on June 19 around 3 a.m and used the hashtag #retired, which means that it must be true/she’s pretty serious. Her reason for quitting acting? She doesn’t enjoy it. Fair enough.

If you look at Amanda’s twitter profile you’ll see that not only is Amanda retiring, she is also a hot mess:

That is a Lindsay-Lohan level of sharing, folks. Also, don’t miss that last one. Aren’t you glad you know that now?

Gawker wrote about five actors who should have retired instead of Amanda Bynes, including Kristen Stewart, a choice which we obvs whole-heartedly disagree with — we will totally sit through 15 of those vampire movies just to see her adorably awkward & nail-biting self share an intense stare with a dude for 90 minutes.

Now that we have come to terms with the fact that “She’s The Man Again” will never go into production, we’ve made a list of five things that Amanda can do now that she has retired. It should probably be turned into a drinking game. So take one drink if you see Amanda Bynes:

1. Play golf.
2. Buy greeting cards in bulk, then organize them by holiday into an accordion folder.
3. Have kids, then call them each day. Follow that call with a call to their spouses and children. After that, re-call each member to talk about what the other said.
4. Move to Florida and eat early bird dinners.
5. Cut coupons.

Down your entire drink if she comes back as a musician and tours with Jay Z.

THE REAL L WORD:

Last night was the world premiere of Showtime’s new hit series, The Real L Word! Everyone seems to have a lot of feelings and thoughts, including us. Our initial feelings are summed up in You Guys, Let’s Be Real, The Real L Word Sucked, and then we talked about how pretty and funny our very own Nat Garcia was in More to L with Nat Garcia. Later today, Riese is going to have a recap, complete with screenshots and group quotes and smart observations and funny things that you can say to your friends at your next pool party or soirée.

something about seafood and diamond shapes? idk

But I bet you’re thinking, “Laneia! I need to read something about The Real L Word right this very minute! My mom and her friends have been talking about AfterEllen’s coverage all morning! Gimme something new!” to which I say: why don’t you read what Entertainment Weekly has to say about the show? The first sentence is “Welcome to The Real L Word, where the Power of the Clam is so intense that the sun shines out of your crotch,” so you know it’s going in the right direction. (@ew)

ART OUT LOUD:

Ovation TV — an arts and culture station on which I recently watched a production of Cats — will be airing a programming event, Art Out Loud, from now until June 30 that will take a look at the influence of LGBT culture on film, literature, performance art and television. On Sunday June 27, you’ll be treated to a marathon of the original UK version of “Queer As Folk,” and I know you’re pretty psyched about that because almost everything but barbecue is better in the UK, am I right ladies?

If you’re in the Chicago area for Pride next weekend, you should find Ovation TV’s booth/tent area because they’ll have t-shirts and such!

TILDA SWINTON:

I was like, “Is Tilda Swinton in a gay movie?” And Crystal said, “Yes,” so we figured you’d like to read this interview with her, in which she discusses her new film, I Am Love, which sounds very sexy, very ingenue-y, oui, très etc.

TRUE BLOOD:

HBO has already renewed True Blood for a fourth season! Wheeee. Did you know that season 3 is going to be the gayest yet? True story. We’re pretty excited. (@ew)

LADY GAGA & THE BACKLASH:

Hortense ponders the inevitability of celebrity backlash and why a Gaga backlash will probably play out differently than the Megan Fox backlash. In related news, I predict there will never be a Hortense backlash. (@jezebel)

“Because America is essentially a giant high school, there is always a need for the country to fill the position of “Most Popular.” The poor soul thrust into that position via overexposure in the media is first embraced and then loathed; the public can only stand so much of one person before they have to find someone new to get excited about, and the resentment over being “forced” to watch the adventures of a certain celebrity unfold begins to fester and turn into a universal bonding point: “You’re sick of so-and-so? Me, too!” In that way, the backlash is actually just another means for people to continue to talk about someone: the initial fascination remains, even as it’s buried under exasperation and annoyance.”

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER:

On when TV became art and how Buffy the Vampire Slayer helped redefine what TV could do. “I believe that one can point at a precise point where TV became art, and that point was the debut of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” (@popmatters)

REALLY PAPI:

Janina Gavankar, who played Papi on Showtime’s hit series The L Word, created by Ilene Chaiken, did a cover of Kanye’s Love Lockdown! It’s, uh, pretty sexy. There’s one part with a Fifth Element-inspired I’m-only-wearing-strips-of-canvas type outfit. We’re not complaining.


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Laneia is the Director of Operations at Autostraddle and you're the reason she's here. Get in touch at laneia@autostraddle.com

Laneia has written 915 articles for us.

27 Comments

  1. Re: Amanda Bynes

    Writing twitter tweets from 2am to 5am is usually not a good thing, unless you are me! From the first hot mess tweet to using poor punctuation (fine, i won’t judge, because She’s the Man!), Amanda Bynes’ publicist probably called her around 3am informing her that she was #retired. Just kidding, she’s a hot mess indeed! (Note: Managing Editor Sarah, was the term “hot mess” used properly in this article?)

    Re: the rest of Autostraddle

    I’m going to read the entire Autostraddle webiverse NOW!

  2. I don’t think I really care that Amanda Bynes is retiring. I was always really annoyed by the Amanda Show as a kid and I don’t think I’ve seen much of anything she’s been in since.

    Kristen Stewart on the other hand… I would probably cry? Or be upset at least a little?

  3. “hey courtney/amanda bynes what are you doing?”
    “retirin’!”
    “you cant do that!”
    “MEH-HEH!”

    also that essay about buffy revolutionizing the art of television made my whole year.

  4. I’m a little sad about the Amanda Bynes thing…cause I def loved She’s the Man. Pre-coming out, gender bending/cross dressing/ tomboyish movies that were also heternormative wholesome made my life. Yes, my sad in-denial early teen self’s favorite movies were Bend It Like Beckham and She’s the Man. Dear lord. I still love both, but have moved on to full girl on girl movies now. :) Evolution wins again!

  5. I liked the Buffy part the best, but other reactions included nodding very resolutely during the Hortense/Gaga part, laughing out loud (“lol”-ing) at the ‘Power-Hour of the Clam’ Show part, and braking into a nervous sweat at the mere thought of KStew being #retired. Another day, another big thank you from me to you AS.

  6. I am <3ing that article about Buffy so hard. It is also possible to point at a precise point where my life became art, and that point was the debut of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

    No joke, one way or another pretty much everything in my life dates from the point I started watching that show. (Including me being here right now, since The Bronze was how I discovered/fell in love with the internet.)

  7. Robert Pattinson should retire from acting.
    So should Tom Cruise. Both can’t act even if their lives depended on it.

    Kristen Stewart is one of the most talented young actresses in hollywood. Girl should stick around.

  8. I am not ashamed to say that I. Fucking. Love. She’s the Man. It came on teevee two nights ago and I broke all my plans to sit and watch it. That being said, I hope she passed the “gender-bending soccer movie” torch to Kristen Stewart in her actress will. I picture KStew as a goalie with a dark past.

    In other news, that is an interesting combination of tweets from Ms. Bynes. Is she suggesting that she needs a handsome black man to help her through her premature and ill-thought-out retirement?

    Most importantly: I am one year older than Amanda Bynes and I can’t even buy myself breakfast most days let alone re=fucking-tire. What is going on here??

  9. I can understand the idea of backlash. I love Lady Gaga, but I found out today that she is putting somewhat of a front about her bisexuality. There is an interview (and I’m TRYING to find it) where she admits that she’s never had sex with a woman; she’s kissed them and is attracted to them but has never met one that she wants to sleep with.

    is it pathetic that i feel completely betrayed? i think she plays it up to give more exposure and acknowledgment to the sexuality and the gay community, but i still feel extremely hurt. i mean she LIED. i’ve lost some respect for her.

    i really need to find the interview though of her saying it, so that it doesn’t seem like i’m just making this up. i wish i was. :/

      • but i think it’s the fact that she said she has never met one she would like to sleep with, and the fact that she said she is marrying a man. i’ve never slept with a girl and i know i like them, but i’ve definitely wanted to sleep with them haha. and she allegedly hasn’t. maybe that’ll change but *shrugs*

    • well i’m not sure what interview you’re referring too (i don’t think you’re making it up, though) but when barbara walters interviewed her last year, she asked her “have you ever had sex with a woman?” and she said yes. she’s talked about sleeping with women at other times, too, but that interview is what stands out in my mind right now.

      and i don’t think she really plays it up that much either. she’s never like “hi, i’m lady gaga, i’m bisexual.” it really only ever comes up if the interviewer is the one to bring it up.

      • yeah, when i found out earlier, i was confused, asking why they claimed she wasn’t truly bisexual, because she told barbara walters of all people outright that she has had sexual relationships with women, and also she incorporates it in her lyrics and videos and has been seen kissing women in photographs. i obviously don’t know enough about it, but i think part of it must be an act… i know there is some truth in her attraction to women but if i could just FIND the damn interview, it completely contradicts what she said in her barbara walters interview.

  10. I unabashedly love, LOVE, Amanda Bynes. Confusingly enough I almost want to forgive her for saying that she only plays the role that producers want her to play, because I feel as though Viola Hastings is the real Amanda Bynes, and who wouldn’t want to play/be Viola/Viola as Sebastian.. ya feel me? No?

    Anyways, what I really registered to say was that.. I turned my laptop on it’s side to check out that picture of her and ended up unplugging my laptop and subsequently turned OFF my laptop because I don’t have an actual battery. I mean, have I mentioned I really like Amanda Bynes?

  11. is it really douchbaggy of me to watch the Janina Gavankar video on mute?
    feel’s like something mikey/themikester would do..eh

    on another note, i was freakingout/wondering why everyone had a blue elmo (cookiemonster?) gravatar, than i realized that you guys changed it. i should really stop drinking…
    i’m gonna go watch the real l word, so maybe i should drink more in hope of alcohol poisoning

    ok i’m done

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