Also.Also.Also: Your Queer Coupling Isn’t Productive Enough for This One Dude and Other Stories Just for You

Hello I want to share a beautiful story about myself and my triumph over mediocrity. I recently bought a large salt lamp because it was deeply discounted and I’ve been wanting one for my desk (the other one’s on my nightstand, see, and I can’t cart the thing up and down the stairs twice a day because I’m not a Olympic athlete ok). WELL the day it was slated to arrive happened to also be the day I walked into my downstairs bathroom, as I’ve done thousands of times before, and saw the square mirror with the overly decorative gold frame that I picked up at Goodwill for $5 and spray-painted matte black so it could be part of my elaborate Halloween display of 2014 and then, after Halloween, had nowhere to put the damn thing so I just stuck it on a nail in the bathroom and moved on with my life. Except I didn’t really move on, because every time my eyes locked in on that out-of-place and useless mirror — I forgot to mention it was hanging at a height that made it impossible for me to even see myself in it (which was really bothersome because in my early 20s I had a paperback book about the art of feng shui, of course, and it stated very clearly that every mirror in your home should be positioned so you can see your reflection in it and then your energy could be sent back to you and also be bounced around the room, otherwise that energy will just smash straight into the wall where the mirror should’ve been and slide down to the floor where it will rot and ruin your life) — I felt momentarily annoyed and also like I had lost control of things somehow; like I’d given up.

And anyway it was on that very day, the day my salt lamp was making its way over to my home, that I walked into the bathroom and just plucked that silly mirror right off the damn wall and spun around to look directly at my office area and realized HAHAAAAA this mirror belongs on THAT wall! So I put the mirror on that very wall on that very day with the bonus knowledge — which made me quite smug, actually — that this was the most perfect spot for the mirror because there it could reflect the light of my salt lamp which was, if you’ll remember, on its way to me! And therefore send its radiant energy ping-ponging all around the room!

I was of course very right and it really is perfect and I’m so fucking PLEASED WITH MYSELF. Thank you please clap.

Queer as in F*ck You

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Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here.

Laneia has written 927 articles for us.

19 Comments

  1. Laneia continues to be the personification of my mommi goals.

    Figuring out where to hang decorative shittery is oddly challenging. Maybe that’s why I failed as a straight wife? Or the gay, yeah it was probably the gay.

  2. Re: the Japan story referenced in the title, it was (sadly) actually a woman who said queer couples aren’t “productive”. But this is hardly surprising; the LDP is Japan’s conservative party (despite being called the “liberal democratic party” which Americans find confusing) and they are desperate to raise the birth rate so that they don’t have to loosen up immigration policy to stabilize the economy long-term. And given that trans people in Japan are required to be sterilized and cannot stay married to current spouses during transition, they’re closing off possibilities for queer couples to get pregnant in the first place. Ugh.

  3. Firstly, thrilled for your lamp and mirror!

    Secondly, that Buzzfeed piece about queerness not eradicating one’s body image issues had a totally different headline two days ago! I am curious about the A/B testing they did that landed on the current title, which suggests the piece is not a personal essay, but some kind of sex how-to? How bizarre.

    • oh that is so odd! i saw the headline a couple of days ago too, and when i just read the link up above, i was just like “um, having sex with partners of different sizes isn’t hard, but if someone needs a how-to, more power to ’em I guess…”

      • right — i was like… did this girl also write a guide?? what’s happening? i would also say the vast majority of women i’ve had sex with have not been the same size as me, and i imagine that’s pretty common, and therefore not necessarily in need of a guide. maybe that’s why that headline got more clicks, it didn’t make any damn sense so people were intrigued to find out why it existed at all.

  4. AWWWW!! I like seeing the rainbow version of my flag at the top pf an article. ❤❤❤❤❤ Most of the time that people use the word “Latino”, they seem to mean, “just Mexicans”.

    About getting stuff you don’t need because it’s cheap; I went to IKEA on Sunday and got a side table that cost $9.99 for exercise purposes. XD

    As for finding and keeping a job while being multiple minorities and having medical problems, I had been looking for work for over a year when I finally managed to get a job that I was laid off from after two months, a week and a day. While I think it’s because someone from the administration didn’t particularly like my face, my mom thinks it was due to problems I started having with my medical condition after I started working there. In any case, that’s illegal and I gave no reason for them to fire me so they had to come up with a bullshit excuse for it.

    I’ve been job hunting ever since and think about removing my volunteer experience during the Pride parade because if I managed the miracle of getting through the ATS, probably I was discriminated against either because of that or my race/ethnicity. Also, since this place we’re living at isn’t exactly well known cpr being the most welcoming of LGBTQ+ people, in addition to the volunteer stuff, my parents told me to not wear “man clothes” for the interviews.

    I’m surprised anyone involved in politricks in Japan would accuse anyone LGBTQ+ of being unproductive since there are at least two transgender and at least two gay politicians there and most of them have been involved in that since before it was talked about often. Maybe it shouldn’t be so surprising though what with Abe’s comments about comfort women from a few years ago and the men STILL working them STILL victim blaming and talking about how menstruation influences women so they shouldn’t be in politricks.

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