Holidays: Sometimes you get the day off, others just a hashtag. Because I refuse to let official holidays have all the fun, here is a carefully curated selection of the best ways to celebrate this month’s eight (unintentionally) gayest national holidays:
August 14 – National Creamsicle Day
Okay, let’s not act like I’m the only one who bestowed upon my most chromatic strappitydoodah the treasured moniker of Creamsicle. Celebrate late with a FWB by freezing yours for just long enough to take the edge off this godforsaken marathon heat wave.
August 24 – National Waffle Day
Waffles are to pancakes as lesbians are to sex. Both take something that is just ok and transform it into something exponentially more delicious and fulfilling. Also, more pockets! Also also, both breathe new life into the phrase “all you can eat”.
August 25 – National Secondhand Wardrobe Day
You know how the most annoying people are always like, “I bet the best part of being a gay lady is having twice as many clothes to wear!” Swap wardrobes with your partner and force those same people to ask why your clothes don’t fit or when you decided to reinvent yourself. If you’re dating your clone, feel free to sit this day out and think about what you’ve done.
August 26 – National Webmistress Day
I can’t hear the title Webmistress without picturing myself asking for permission to orgasm over a keyboard. Indulge your inner sub in a marathon sext session with your favorite femme dom.
August 26 – National Women’s Equality Day
See above.
August 28 – National Cherry Turnovers Day
A cherry turnover is when you role play that you’ve never had sex with a woman before and so what if I just made that up? Grab a partner, grease up that cookie sheet and get your baking lesson on.
August 30 – National Grief Awareness Day
Take this time to venn diagram every breakup you’ve ever had. Extra points for every name that ends up with its very own circle because those are the mythical beings who’ve never slept with any of your exes.
August 31 – National Trail Mix Day
Go on a hike even though you hate hiking because the eye candy is abundant and you promised yourself the post-peak reward of brunch and mimosas. Keep a tally then take a drink for every fanny pack and pair of Teva sandals you saw on the trail.
“Would you like a cherry turnover?”
“Oh! I’m not sure I’ve had one before – Would you show me how to eat it?”
???
That’s a great one, I may need to use it at sometime.
I’ll have my waffles with dulce de leche, thank you
As it should always be!
Because of allergies to certain additives I can no longer have my eggo nutella waffle sammiches, but at the same time these allergies led me to mix my own trail mix that I basically live off of trying to keep up with my metabolism.
Also I could almost make a paragraph about my life featuring each subject of these new holigays.
Which is possibly extra gay cause journaling and navel gazing.
Save me from myself somebody please.
I party hard with gluten free frozen waffles and Nutella.
Alas if were only that simple. I cannot have nutella not just the eggos.
Enjoy your party with all you got. One never knows when it’ll all suddenly end. Savour what you can when you can.
*poses faux dramatically on the velour chaise*
If you are allergic to a few of the preservatives that are added in nutella and not the ingredients themselves, you can make a kickass version of it at home by yourself, I mean it does break my heart thinking that there is someone out there who wants to eat nutella but cant cause of allergies :(
WHAT IS A WEBMISTRESS
A lady webmaster!
I was picturing more like:
I want to upvote this picture so much! Because that is EXACTLY what I was thinking when I saw “webmistress.”
August 14, my birthday, super gay.
Happy belated birthgay!
Isn’t there a National Leave Zucchini on Your Neighbors Porch Night in August? That seems pretty gay to me. Just picture a neighborhood of queer gardeners swapping squash some late summer night
Call me crazy but I’m not eating anything left on my porch. Hand-deliver those veggies to my face or gtfo.
I agree, though a nice packaging may change my mind? Then again I’m in the suburbs of L.A.; so, I may have to wonder did the neighbors just go the whole foods down the street or are they moonlighting as a farmer on the side?
Also, tomorrow is National Black Cat Appreciation Day! I will be taking selfies with my black kitty and all of my cat accessories.
Cats are very gay.
OMG! This is the gayest holiday of all, because cats are lesbian-adjacent and black cats are witchy, of course. I’m going to give my kitty extra appreciative snuggles today.
Happy NAtional Rum Day everyone
National Cherry Turnover Day also makes me think of period sex. Cishet people are vehemently opposed to period sex. It’s an unfortunate but true fact.
But licking at the cherry filling dripping out of the turnover sounds fun. So is giving orgasms to people with vaginas at one of the horniest times in their cycle!
???
Truth
More pockets. Genius.
HAHAHAHA this is perfect.
my girlfriend and I are basically the same size/shape but I am not allowed to wear any of her clothes, because boundaries. but then she gets annoyed when I tell her not to talk to me when I’m in the bathroom with the door closed. I can’t wear your hoodies, you can’t talk to me while I’m peeing.