Today, White House spokesperson Hope Hicks went high-key extra by distributing a press release dedicated entirely to praising the positive energy that radiates around the bag of gas and lies we know familiarly as “The President of the United States,” reading:
President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him. He has an unparalleled ability to communicate with people, whether he is speaking to a room of three or an arena of 30,000. He has built great relationships throughout his life and treats everyone with respect. He is brilliant with a great sense of humor . . . and an amazing ability to make people feel special and aspire to be more than even they thought possible.
27 Concepts or Things That Exude More Positive Energy Than Donald Trump
1. A Black Hole
I used to really like the song “Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden, but the frontman of Soundgarden died while we were at A-Camp.
2. These wet rocks
3. This empty bag
oops I guess we left the marinara sauce and the pasta at the store again
4. This trash can
Even if this trash can still had bloody tampons in it, it would still exude more positive energy than Donald Trump.
5. A colonoscopy
fun!
6. Your homophobic uncle
“Just don’t rub it in my face,” he pleads as you continue to exist
7. This face our friend Carly made last week
8. Season Six of The L Word
9. Bacterial Vaginosis
Of course you are!
10. Skins Fire and/or Getting a Skin Graft
This picture works for both
11. A Wormhole
Byeeeeeee
12. A Tapeworm
Here, it’s candy
13. When they list the side effects in a commercial for Chantix
Some people had their husbands leave them, but out the back door instead of out the front door, which was confusing
14. “The Gentlemen” from Buffy
This might actually be a picture of the Trump Administration’s inner circle, TBD
15. The Hellmouth from Buffy
bye!
16. The first of week of Whole 30
Already hates advocados
17. When someone insists you stop everything to watch a youtube video they like, and then when you do it won’t load, and then when it does it’s not funny
18. Black mold
19. When you try to download a picture of Black Mold from Shutterstock and find out somebody on your team has already downloaded this same picture of black mold from Shutterstock at some other time for some other undoubtedly dark reason
20. When this video is not available in your country
:-/
21. The Menstrual Cycle
22. Google image searching “baby seal clubbing”
Don’t do it
23. Soup Made of Salsa and Warm Water
“Which honestly is a revelation i wish i could’ve had when i was at my poorest in my early 20s” – Laneia, Executive Editor of Autostraddle.com
24. Debs
just this trip?
25. The last three pages of “The Well of Loneliness”
Trigger Warning:
26. “Not to be that person, but…”
BYE
27. Five Signs You’re Holding On To Negative Energy
Sign #1: You Had Secret Meetings With Russia
This was 27 too long. What a bland, trite article. Trump serves up some easy fodder; you have to do the bare minimum to find humor in it. Unfortunately, whoever wrote this FAILED.
#28 Susanne Garber
I CACKLED
I want that Carly face to be included in my phone emoji list and I am AFFRONTED that is not an option
Rachel having the Carly face as an emoji in slack really brought this whole piece together for me
actual burst of laughter at this
I would not be surprised if this comment was written by Trump
all i keep hearing in my head is trump trying his best to ridicule terrorists and all he can come up with is, ” loser.” He even paused at one point before saying it, all dramatical and such
baby seal clubbing, damn ya’ll went there and yet it fits
#17!
TRIGGER WARNING FOR TAPEWORMS PLEASE
jeez, my whole life flashed before my eyes. parasites = not my thing
I’M SO UNHAPPY
that whole list was amazing. and since for some reason my “make america kittens again” chrome extension deemed all of the photos in the post too-likely-to-be-tr*mp-related, all the pics were of various adorable kittens, so the post exuded so much literal joy.
some of the kittehz also fit the title/captions really well FOR EXAMPLE
omg why can I never upload a photo correctly the first time?!?!?!?!!!
i give up. imgur exudes more joy than tr*mp even though it makes me feel dumb every time I try to use it.
just trust me that the kitteh replacements were cute. :hangs head in shame: :walks away, defeated:
@punkystarshine I fixed it for you! When you’re using imgur, you have to right click on the image and get the address that ends in .png. <3
you know, Laura, I have figured that out on like 3 separate occasions, but forget it EVERY TIME. hopefully now that i’ve seen you put it into very clear words my brain will have actually absorbed it haha THANK YOU
i love this avocado-hating kitten so much
#17 is the reason why Rachel is my hero.
CARLY’S FACE
Easy laughs are great and so valuable. The autostraddle team are the heroines we need now.
When I first saw the press release, I honestly thought it was a piece from The Onion.
Cripes.
Also possible #28: the Callie/Penny chemistry from Greys.
How could you have reminded us of the end of the Well of Loneliness!?!
Top notch content. ?? also, I always wonder how the Susanne Garbers of the world find AS.
The guy is such a dick that he got petty and excluded Sean Spicer from seeing the pope. Even the press corps felt sorry for him. Donald is basically a spoiled have it all manchild who picks on everyone around him cause Daddy gave him everything.
That man has as much charm and charisma as a strangulated haemorrhoid. He’s about the right tonal shade too.
But, seriously, Carly’s face
thank you.
Oh man, the Whole 30. So true. I would rather think of my not having bread, cheese, and alcohol for 8 days rather than think of Donald Trump.
“President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him.”
–> One of the few times even the Germans are genuinely laughing at a joke well made and timed.
still scared of The Gentlemen, but also truthfully less scared of them than I am of tr*mp
“They stole the voices of every inhabitant upon arrival in a new town through a magical box. This forced silence had the added benefit that none of their victims were able to scream for help as the Gentlemen cut their hearts from their still-living bodies.”
Yup. Still better than tr*mp.