Your Top Five Questions About Being Vegan, Answered

What do you eat?

A lot of beans and grains. Sometimes tofu, but not as often as you probably think. Kale and spinach. Recycled car tires. Lots of stuff from the Brassicaceae family, like broccoli and cauliflower. VHS tapes. Coffee grounds. Quinoa. Hubcaps. Lentils. Lightbulbs.

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In a hyberbolic and unlikely situation where only meat was available, would you eat it?

When a vegan’s faith is strong, there is always vegan food available. We refer you to the Chili Event of 1993, when a group of vegans in a tornado shelter for two days had only Hormel chili to eat. Lo and behold, through the miracle of veganism, those cans of chili became cans of Amy’s Organic Chili. Praise Amy’s Organic Chili!

Don’t you miss cheese?

When you reach level 5 of veganism, you are trained in vibrational exercises that mimic the sensation of eating cheese to your brain. The range of 3-4 MMI tastes like cheddar; between 4 and 5 tastes like mozzarella, and so on.

What about fish? Can you eat fish?

We can, but have chosen not to. When the species war begins, we’ll need their goodwill.

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How do you get your protein?

From you. We’re taking it from you.

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Rachel is Autostraddle's Managing Editor and the editor who presides over books and news & politics coverage. Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy."

Rachel has written 771 articles for us.

29 Comments

    • Thumb up 13

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      The powers aren’t automatic–becoming vegan is just the first step, and a lot of people choose to stay there. The more ambitious vegans–those who desire the ability to throw romantic rivals through walls and play bass with the power of their minds–may apply to the highly selective Vegan Academy. There, they complete years of rigorous training. Sleep is short. Nights are cold. Recitation of the Veganomicon begins at daybreak. You may only have one Tofutti Cutie with dinner.

      When you have hardened your fists in rivers of boiling veggie broth and charged your mind with the lightning power of the immersion blender, you are ready to face Peter Singer in single combat. If you survive and your advisor is happy with the quality of your coursework, the secrets of the ancient vegans will be revealed to you. The graduation ceremony is long and joyous; you will feast on tempeh and mushroom gravy.

      After that you still have to get certification. Theoretically the Academy prepared you, but you’ll still spend three or four weeks cramming. If you pass, congratulations! You’re 14 years older and $135,000 in debt, but you can lift a taco truck at 30 paces. Get ready to rule the world.

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        I dunno…that sounds awesome but way too intense for me. I guess I’m not ready to apply for Vegan Academy…yet.

        Maybe I’ll just learn how to play mediocre bass, or date a girl with cool hair and lots of vengeful exes. What could possibly go wrong?

  1. Thumb up 3

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    Shredded supermarket bags are found everywhere, in the canal, behind the dumpsters, and in public toilets, and come up beautifully with a little wipe and hand sanitiser. All you need is some lemon pepper salt, a tomato sliced, a mandolin, and shredded supermarket bags are a tasty wholesome snack. Who said you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

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    My personal favourite question is “why don’t you look sick?”, or the comment, “but you look really healthy?!?”, as if looking pasty and exhausted is a requirement of veganism.

    The protein question comes a close second. I feel like photocopying a table of plant foods high in protein and just shoving it into their hands whenever asked. Urgh.

    I can’t wait until I have a kid so that people can tell me how I’m going to deform my child in pregnancy and breastfeeding (with evil kale and quinoa, obv).

  3. Thumb up 8

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    Sooo I am not even remotely vegan, but I felt the need to comment because the woman in that last photo is gorgeous and I’m a little bit drunk and she can chop my peppers any time.
    Not quite sure what that’s a euphemism for due to the aforementioned drunkenness, but we can just assume it involves ladysex.

    I know I shouldn’t be objectifying women, but damn, she is stunning.

  4. Thumb up 1

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    That second one really got me. I once told someone that if I ABSOLUTELY needed to do it in order to survive, I would eat part of another person. The rest of that car ride was pretty silent, which I guess means I won.

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