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Do you guys know how many questions we get about sex? Formspring, emails – hell, I’ve even been facebooked! More than once! But at least the last time I answered a question via facebook, I figured that the answer could spark a potentially meaningful conversation about sex. Talking about sex is something that we don’t do enough, as a society. So we’re going to start answering a few more questions about what we do in bed. Welcome to You Need Help: Sex EDition. Disclaimer: not everyone answering questions will be a medical professional. These are our opinions. These articles about sex are to promote conversation, so if you agree or disagree with what we say, please feel free to leave it in the comments. Discussion, much like sex, is a healthy part of life. And as always, You Do You. Or someone else.
I’ve been hanging out/ hooking up with this girl for about a month. I have her pretty figured out physically and can get her off fairly quick, but the same can’t be said about her. I don’t have a problem with it, but it’s starting to make her upset. Help.
If I understand this question correctly, you’re saying that you can bring her to orgasm during sex pretty consistently but she can’t do the same for you. Yes? And that you’re totes cool with that. Yes? If so, cheers! You are having sex! Congrats to everyone involved! Sex is wonderful! And sex is wonderful even when an orgasm doesn’t happen.
In fact, sometimes I don’t want an orgasm, personally. We, as a society, have decided that orgasm is the goal of sex. In my opinion, this view point is BOTP (because of the patriarchy). Sex has historically been viewed as solely for reproduction, which meant that the goal of sex was a man’s orgasm, and thus babies. As someone who has queer sex, I disregard this traditional point of view. Sex, for me at least, is about pleasure. Not making babies. And pleasure doesn’t always mean an orgasm. What if tonight I just want my nipples played with? Totes cool! No orgasm necessary. Still super pleasurable. Sex can feel really amazing with or without an orgasm.
However, it’s a tall order to change society’s pressure on you with just a paragraph on how sex can be amazing regardless. It’s understandable for her to feel weird about the fact that she’s coming and you’re not – it’s a common insecurity. Especially if you do want to orgasm. I understand her feelings. I’ve felt them even though I don’t think the point of sex should always be orgasm. Which is why I give you the following:
I notice the time frame you give is one month. I can’t figure out anything in one month, on any topic. Ever. Could you imagine if everyone had to be experts at everything they tried within a month? You start skiing tomorrow? Well in a month, you better qualify for the Olympics. Crazy, right? One month is a relatively short amount of time. Don’t put crazy pressure on yourselves to be an Olympic Level Doubles Team within such a constrained time period. Life is a process, and so is sex. Just jump in bed and have fun! The more y’all think about “OMG, I can’t get her off! I can’t get her off!” the harder it’s going to be to reach that, if that’s what you want the sexy time. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the process all night long.
So what can you do to make her feel better, short of pointing her to this article? Just keep communicating about this. If you really are cool with it, tell her that. Tell her that a lot of times, because The Patriarchy can’t be eradicated from anyone’s consciousness in one conversation. She’ll probably need to hear it a lot. If she still feels bad about it, consider showing her exactly what you like and how you like it. Take her hand/fist/fingers/cock/whatever and give her a sexy step-by-step. Some people (me included) feel better in general with a specific direction to go in. And then even if it doesn’t result in orgasm, she’ll know you really liked because you showed her how to do it. She’ll know she’s on the right track. She’ll have a flight plan.
In short, sex should be a collaborative conversation. It’s not about who finishes first, because it’s not a race. So hit the sack and have at it! Cheers!
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Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.