URGENT: OITNB’S Flaca Made Out With Kourtney Kardashian In a Lesbian Club Once

Breaking news from the ultra important international headquarters of quiltbaggery: Jackie Cruz, who plays Flaca on Orange is the New Black and is an absolute certified babe, is the same chick who made out with Kourtney Kardashian in a lesbian club after they took that weird art class together. If you didn’t watch Khloe and Kourtney totally taking Miami and you just don’t care, go ahead, exit this article, walk back into your musty book-lined closet where you quote Proust and eat raw vegetables. I will be here, announcing this titillating celebrity news that has about the same calorie count as whipped cream.

Just little Flaca things.

Just little Flaca things.

I did the dirty work responsible to write this article, risking everything to bring you the news direct from the trenches. It required me rewatching the three episodes where Jackie, an actual bisexual singer who had moved to Miami from New York sans-boyfriend and plus-girlfriends, shows up in Kourtney’s art class. Jackie and Kourtney hit it off even though Kourtney is only the third most dateable Kardashian sister. If my overwhelmingly homosexual instincts are correct, there is even some goshdarn chemistry up in here. They have a lunch date where Jackie talks about not being straight, which when done around a hot girl and in front an entire camera crew could either mean “tentative flirtation” or “a producer just asked me to kind of hit on Kourtney.”

After we finish this totally heterosexual vegan brunch, let's go get waxed together and hold hands but it's not weird, seriously.

After we finish this totally heterosexual vegan brunch, let’s go get waxed together and hold hands but it’s not weird, seriously.

Jackie takes Kourtney to a lesbian club, and they straight up kiss. It’s not a big ol’ sloppy one, like not of the caliber y’all were doing to moisturize each other’s faces at the drunkest hour of Pride, but it’s still not a whatever kiss, you know? It’s not like when you peck your mom on the cheek at brunch or something, right? It’s like you’re not drunk but you’re buzzed and you don’t want to appear nasty but this girl is hot, right?

Kourtney Kisses Kurvy DominiKan Karefully...okay, I give up.

Kourtney feels guilty about the kiss because she think she’s leading Jackie on. Girl, you are Kourtney Kardashian of Keeping Up fame. No one besides Lord Scott Disick is actually ever going to be serious about pursuing you because everyone already knows how difficult you are and how dating you comes with a goddamned camera crew. Jackie is super hot but she’s obviously not trying to court you. Or should I say kourt you? Anyway, Kourtney tells Jackie she doesn’t want to date, which is fine by Jackie. Duh.

Because Jackie Cruz is a total babe, y'all, and total babes don't need to make out with Kourtney Kardashian to be famous.

Because Jackie Cruz is a total babe, y’all, and total babes don’t need to make out with Kourtney Kardashian to be famous.

Jackie comes back in season 2 as “that girl Kourtney made out with that one time” and as a way for Kourtney to make Scott jealous, which ends with him showing them both his dick. Hoorah.

What you should get from all of this is that Jackie Cruz is a total babe, you didn’t need to see her make out with Kourtney Kardashian to know that, and she’s a bisexual lady, so y’all can get excited about that. The two are apparently still friends, and they still text every once and a while. By text every once and a while, I hope Kourtney sends Jackie embarrassing snapchats of Scott. And I hope Jackie snapchats back with all the extremely attractive people she works with on the show, just to rub it in a little.

For those of you wondering what Kourt’s side of things is:

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Hard-lovin' butch made of tears, sweat, and spit, in that order. Professional lonesome polecat. Kate is living proof that you can take the hillperson out of the mountains, but she's still probably going to run back to the mountains anyway. Kate prefers the trashy to the classy, and the tender to everything else. Full-time writer, part-time lover. Heart got so big and soggy that she had to cut off all her sleeves.

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23 Comments

  1. Thumb up 2

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    Thank You for this important bulletin.

    That said, Is she really bisexual though? I hate that I even have to ask but I’m pretty sure all the Kardashian shows are HEAVILY scripted and Jackie is an actress after all. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was just hired for this obvious “storyline” and that’s it.

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      Totally understand the justified skepticism here, but I’m pretty sure she’s bisexual. This other article dated from 2011 about her then burgeoning music career (a bit before her OITNB fame) has her discussing dating girls in Miami after she left her boyfriend in NYC.

      Now the article also is talking about the Khardasians a bit, so I suppose she could have just been taking her “assigned character” to the hilt… but it’s also a bit removed from her time on the show, so I think there are better than average odds that she was responding to the asked questions honestly:

      Check it for yourself: http://bitchinlifestyle.tv/hollywood-gypsy-jackie-cruz/

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    I’ve been coming to this site for years, I kind of can’t believe I finally registered just to post this, but anyway…

    Jackie Cruz is also a singer, here’s one of her videos https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKhXABewtz8 The description says the other woman is her bff, but I dunno, if you watch it you’ll maybe see where my mind is going…

    Either way I’m a huge fan of hers, glad her role on oitnb is expanding.

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    I actually don’t hate the Kardashian’s. Particularly Khloe and Kourtney. So I watched that season of Khloe and Kourt in Miami.

    And I remember watching the 1st season of OITNB and being “ohmahgah that’s Jackie! Kourtney’s friend/lover/art classmate.

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