[Please note (8/15): Since writing this article, I have come to see that I made some assumptions about women that ultimately excluded trans women, which is not okay. There is a lot of discussion of this and other ways this line of thinking might affect trans women in the comments section. While I still stand by the overall theme of my post I think it is important to read the discussion of transphobia, transmisogyny, and cissexism that follows.]
"Well doesn’t that really limit your pool of potential women?"
Sitting at our favorite beer bar, this was my buddy’s response to my statement that I "didn’t want to date a lesbian." He had suggested that I take advantage of what he dubbed “my online pull” with queer women.
His comment stands out in my mind because it suggests that straight women don’t want to date a trans man (experience suggests this is not as true as most people assume) and, because regardless of the validity of that suggestion, he is right.
Let it be known that I am looking for a woman, or maybe for women? I’m looking to date. And dating isn’t easy. Meeting women isn’t easy. Why in god’s name would I want to limit my pool? Some non-trans guys have suggested that I’m lucky that y’all will even consider me as a possible partner.
I’m torn. Let me explain why I might not want to date someone who is mostly attracted to women.
I have really struggled to be seen as a man. In some ways it took two years, in others, it took 23. For most of my life I was seen as a woman and it was confusing, and something was always missing. And over the past two years, I have felt the pain of knowing I’m a man and still being seen as a woman. It’s taken medical interventions and social adaptations to get where I am now, to be free of the pain of being seen as female. And that may sound dramatic, but hell it is dramatic. It is really painful. A kind of pain I’d never known before.
As I blog and write about trans stuff (and work with my boss who consults with schools on issues of gender and sexuality diversity), one of the things I am constantly reiterating is that my trans status and history do not necessarily make me any less of a man or a different kind of man than a non-trans man. I do this because want to be out as transgender and still be seen as a man. I educate because affirmation is one of our few weapons against the pain.
A major source of affirmation of any kind is in our relationships. Your partner reminds you of strengths and beauty even when the rest of the world doesn’t see them – even when you don’t. I mean, who hasn’t put “I’ll Be Your Mirror” on a love mix? My relationships as a man have been much fuller than those I had when I was a woman. They felt better. Because I was so affirmed as a man, because a woman loved me as a man.
And I think I’m pretty terrified of losing that.
I fear that my gender identity can’t be affirmed in the way that I need in a relationship with a woman who mostly prefers/is attracted to women. Sexually, too, it is really important to me and to my sanity that a woman physically engages with me as a man. I know this is complicated because my body is different from a non-trans man’s, but I think it is the attitude I’m looking for. If I at all feel like a woman is viewing her physical encounter with me as one with another female, I can’t enjoy it – it makes me feel awful.
All that said, here is where I call myself on my bullshit. And I do so after thinking about this HARD for weeks.
Because yeah, I need to be seen as a man and yeah I need to be fucked as a man and loved as a man. But where do I get off suggesting that queer-women who-mostly-date-women wouldn’t see me this way?
I guess my thinking has always been that if a woman isn’t attracted to non-trans men but is attracted to me, it must have to do with my gender. I automatically assume she is differentiating between the manness of non-trans men and the manness of trans man me.
In reality there are some things that do differentiate me from non-trans men that have nothing to do with how much of a man I am.
A woman named Jessica recently wrote in a comment on Autostraddle that “something that is attractive to some of us gay/queer girls is the fact that although we are in no case saying you are not men, the struggle you went through to have the people surrounding you accept that you are men does make you different from cisgender males, in that they never had to even think about gender theory in general and know nothing about queer matters.”
Now I’ll say there are plenty of straight non-trans men who know about gender theory and queer matters, but most don’t. And most trans men do.
Also, this reminded me that something that makes me different from non-trans men is that I transitioned (seems obvious now that I’ve written it out…). That I went through some tough shit to be true to myself. People are always throwing words at me like courageous, honest, brave, admirable. I don’t claim all of them, but certainly the self-awareness and struggle that comes with transition are things that all trans men necessarily have experienced.
Also, I lived as a girl. As silly as it sounds, I know what PMS is like. I know what the other end of male privilege feels like. Non-trans men can’t really know these things.
And how about the fact that I know what women’s sexual bodies feel like to them? I’ve got a better sense than non-trans men of how women are feeling in bed.
Another thing: I was socialized as a girl and young woman. This doesn’t impact the masculinity or macho-ness of some trans men, but I feel totally comfortable saying that I personally am a softer dude than I would have been if I’d been raised male. If anything, because I’ve traversed the gender binary and all its boundaries and I can see how ridiculous and unnatural the rules of masculinity are. I see how dumb it is that men often stifle emotions or act certain ways just because society expects them to. Yeah, I am gonna talk about my feelings. And I’m going to be honest when I’m scared. And I’m gonna show affection to the girls I’m interested in. (This is not to say that non-trans men don’t do these things or don’t see the ridiculousness of rules of masculinity – I know guys that do… but I do think they aren’t as easy to find. Also worth noting is that not all trans men are like this. Again, I am only speaking about my experience, etc.)
There's a quote floating around the blogosphere that illustrates this. It's from Mercedes Allen's essay in Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation:
Transgender people have wisdom and experience that our friends, family, and acquaintances never dreamed of. A woman can talk to her female-to-male (FTM) partner and know that he really does understand the beautification and competition crap that girls are fed when they are growing up. A man can trust that his MTF partner understands the ruthless repression of emotions that were imposed upon him through his youth, maybe enough to allow himself to be more emotionally vulnerable in front of her. Those of us who have lived in two genders have a front-row view of the battle of the sexes, with a vivid understanding of what hormones do to our moods, of how differently men and women are perceived and treated in public venues, of the pervasiveness of male privilege, of how different dating as male is from dating as female, even if the gender of attraction doesn’t change. Those perspectives are hard-won. It would be a shame to bury them.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’m starting to realize that although a woman who typically likes women being attracted to me does usually mean that she is differentiating between me and non-trans men, it doesn’t mean that that differentiation has anything to do with my gender. Her being attracted to my sensitivity or the inner growth I gained through transition or her being more comfortable with me because I’ve been a guy’s girlfriend before and know what privilege and power feel like or because I’m more aware of queerdom than most straight non-trans men…. these things do not mean she is not affirming me as a man.
I’ve been wrong to cut lesbian/lesbian-leaning queer women out of my pool of potential partners. It was out of fear and misunderstanding. Now, I continue to be completely uninterested in women who are attracted to me because they see me as straddling two genders (the “best of both worlds” argument), because I’m not, and you being attracted to me that way feels really bad to me. But it seems there are loads of other reasons (and I don't mean this in a cocky "God's gift to women" sort of way) you might want to date me, sleep with me, make out with me under the stars.
And these reasons, these differences from non-trans men are things I should be proud of, things I should be happy to celebrate with any woman who values and is attracted to them.
So to those of you who identify as gay and wrote in asking if your attraction to a trans man was offensive or inappropriate, my answer is no, even if this trans man identifies the way I do and is "all man" sotospeak. And if you want to move forward, my advice is to be clear about what it is that attracts you to him, so that he is sure to understand that you as a potential partner (of any level) are affirming his gender.
Special Note: Autostraddle's "First Person" columns exist for individual queer ladies to tell their own personal stories and share compelling experiences. These personal essays do not reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
). I’ve been attracted to a hell of a lot of people across genders and bodies and etc, but I also find that my physical and intimate comfort levels vary across people. Genitalia is a big part of it (really, just the penis thing) but just because you may not have a penis doesn’t necessarily mean DING! SLEEP WITH ME FOREVERS.
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