Top Ten Movies That Would Have Been Better If They Were Gay

There are a lot of movies out there. Most of them aren’t gay. Why not? Here are ten movies that really would be much better if they were gay, and starring me.

 

Top Ten Movies That Would Have Been Better If They Were Gay

10. The Notebook

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Because like, imagine Rachel McAdams’ mom is all, “Girl, I get it, I was in love with a girls once, too.” That reveal is way stronger.

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And the struggle!! A financially stable cute boy that she’s grown to love, or a super hot girl who lives in the woods?? THIS STORY SELLS ITSELF.

9. (TIED) Jerry Maguire

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You know how Jerry Maguire and Renee Zellweger have been dating for like 3 days and Ne’Ne’ is all “OMG I LOVE JERRY MAGUIRE” …

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The only scenario in which “Jerry” would not be freaked the fuck out is the scenario in which “Jerry” is a woman #uhaulin

9. (TIED) Scream 4

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Honestly, though, why aren’t there more lesbian murderers???

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8. Camp Rock

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Let’s be real, it makes waaayyyy more sense that Mitchie goes away to summer camp and comes home gay…

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Bonus: SEQUEL

Double Bonus: OFF-SCREEN ROMANCE

7. Can’t Hardly Wait

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The most popular girl in school ends up with the cool geeky lesbian?? YEA OKAY I’LL WATCH THAT.

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Also you guys, I really needed a reason to photoshop myself with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

6. Gatsby

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100% Gatsby should be a girl.

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Are you kidding?

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Sexy, Mysterious, Rich, Let DAISY DRIVE THE CAR….

5. Harry Potter (the one where Ron and Hermione make out)

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Two BFFs fall in love while they fight wizard wars (or whatever) with their other mutual bffe??

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YES PLEASE.

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4. Romeo and Juliet (The Baz Lurhman one)

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OF COURSE your families don’t want you together YOU’RE BOTH GIRLS AND IT’S THE OLDEN TIMES.

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This movie is at least 60x more dramatic if everyone hates them together because they’re gay.

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3. Mean Girls

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The complicated thing is that everyone has to be gay or the whole movie turns into a giant hate crime.

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Bonus: SEXY SANTAS!

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2. Hunger Games

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Any human in their right mind is Team Gale. And like… especially if Gale is a chick, and they’re in love but they’re also best friends and Gale just wants J-Law to be happy and Peeta is like… nice enough and cute I guess

BUT GALE YOU GUYS, SHE BELONGS WITH GALE.

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1. Juno

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Not only is the improved gay version of Juno a great coming-of-age story about a pregnant teen, but it’s also about THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION.

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Currently up for adoption: Baby Jesus.


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Dannielle holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Theatre Performance, and spent three years in Chicago studying improv and sketch comedy (that’s where the funny comes from). During that time she was also teaching drama to kids ages 8 – 18. Dannielle is the creator of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber, was the runner-up to be the first ever MTVTJ (twitter jockey), ran social media for Virgin Mobile on the Lady Gaga Monster Ball Tour, and starred as Justin Bieber in Not Another Celebrity Movie. She believes herself to be a “stellar problem solver,” has the ability to see both sides of the situation #libra, and gets her dance moves from her dad.

Dannielle has written 2 articles for us.

158 Comments

  1. Thumb up 25

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    oh my actual god i love this. i found the whole list hilarious, but i totally lost it at #3:

    “The complicated thing is that everyone has to be gay or the whole movie turns into a giant hate crime.”

    please keep writing us funny lists, dannielle!

    xoxo,
    vanessa your old intern, the one who brought you rainbow cake in a jar when you came to speak at harvard in 2011

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      I am at work and when I saw that Dannielle picked as her other gay people: Tegan and Sara… and Kristin! I made everyone look at me because I didn’t just giggle, that was full-on snort-laugh. It is soooooo Dannielle humor. May she continue to reside at Autostraddle, it’s like my favorite things to read on the web got gay-married….

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    A) I do this to every movie and TV show I watch. Think about how much cooler Grease or Top Gun would have been with girl/girl leads.

    B) I’m just going to take the liberty of photoshopping Dannielle into the book cover of my novel, so that when it’s published and becomes a mega-hit and is optioned for the screen, she’ll already be pre-cast. Hope that’s okay, with you, Dannielle. I could pay you for your likeness with, like, a sandwich and a promise of royalties. :)

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      yes, the first movie i thought of when i saw the title.
      hearing that it was actually going to be a gay situation but was changed is the saddest thing i ever learned on tumblr.
      (i mean these gems were left in, at least: “Lesbian? Her birthday’s in March. I thought she was a Pisces!” and “Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes!” followed by “She’s not Lebanese, she’s Punjabi!”)

  3. Thumb up 6

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    This list is great! Gender-swapping characters is possibly my favorite hobby.

    The other day while reading the Lord of the Rings it came to me: WHAT IF FARAMIR WAS A LADY? Think about it. Faramir + Eowyn becomes 394938174x more epic.

    (Also this is about Tolkien’s Faramir who was already my favorite character even before I thought of this, not the movie Faramir who was a totally different person in only bad ways.)

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    I love love love this.

    Musicals, too, maybe?

    Chicago’s kind of gay already but needs to be gayer. I don’t believe that there were that many prison scenes and no lesbian duet and makeout scene.

    Lez Miz as a gay version of Les Miserables — because cute queers in revolutionary outfits! Lesbian angst! The ease with which we could change every s to a z!

    Moulin Rouge, because being bi, I was totally into Ewan McGregor when I first saw it, but the idea of a cute lady in any of Ewan McGregor’s outfits kind of makes me melt into a puddle. And ladies loving ladies in corsets – yes please!

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    Maybe it’s the cheese movie liking human in me, but what about the American Pie series? Jim is now Jenny(think about the webcam scene and much more awkward and funny that could have been?), and Finch is genderqueer, and Kevin is now a pre-op transman, but doesn’t know it. We already have Natasha Lyonne(don’t stop casting her in lesbian roles, she’s too charming).

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    If there were a non-racist version of Calamity Jane where Calam and Katie move it to the next level I would watch it every goddamn day. It makes so much more sense than her and Bill Hickock. How about Little Women? Jo refuses Laurie and goes away to New York to find a hot German professor lady. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers! The ladies fall in love with each other when they’re snowed in! I better stop because I could go on for hours…

    P.S. I’m really digging #3.

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      omg YES to Jo and the hot german professor lady, I was kinda disappointed when her romance happened without really knowing why… obviously I subconsciously wanted her to be gay before I even knew that was a thing.

      It seems we all have a lot of feelings about making straight stories queer. Maybe this could be a regular series?

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      all the awards to you for mentioning seven brides for seven brothers, which was my favorite musical as a kid. i BROKE the vhs from watching it so many times

      maybe the women wouldn’t have been sobbin sobbin sobbin so hard if they had each other. nor would anyone be a lonesome polecat.

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      Nothing will convince me that Calamity and Katie weren’t getting acquainted with one another’s “woman’s touch” up in that cabin. If the shack’s a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.

      In other news, that movie is probably 50% responsible for my sexuality.

      And let’s have a gay “Sound of Music.” Maria can’t have that short hair for no reason.

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    You just broke my circuitry with the Romeo and Juliet thing! It was a favorite of mine as a teen, and I’d never considered improving upon it in this way. Headcanon accepted.

    Minor beef though… why did you superimpose ‘gayer’ people over the rest of the characters in Mean Girls? I don’t see why Regina George couldn’t have been queer as is.

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    I’ve thought for a while that it would be interesting if we had a James Bond (Jane Bond? Jamie Bond?) who was a butch queer woman. Part of the Bond character is masculinity, and we can retain that masculinity, just have the person expressing it be a girl.

    People mostly came to accept the idea of a blond Bond once they saw that Daniel Craig did a good job…if we can have a blond Bond, why not a female Bond? :D

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    ‘OF COURSE your families don’t want you together YOU’RE BOTH GIRLS AND IT’S THE OLDEN TIMES.’

    Naaaah everyone has to be gay. I propose a story about nature, technology and a vendetta set (very symbolically) in Los Angeles 2019. Juliet is a total adorbs sweetheart butch hiding her class-inappropriate nanotats from her two hippie organic-foodie mums. Romilly is a brown-skinned fierce femme 15yo with more cyberware than flesh, disowned by her family, taken in by Good Lady Montague (having the lines of both Montague patriarch and Lady Montague in a dialogue with herself), an undercity crime boss and dealer – and groomed to be her successor. The rest according to the story – but with a super bleak grimdark ending of Mrs&Mrs Capulet trying to pin the death of Juliet on Good Lady and calling law enforcement – and the Good Lady mowing them both down with her arm-integrated Gatling gun before stepping off the edge of arcology. The last scene showing people in slums being rained on by a rusty-red raindrops and swearing at the government, arcology tower and toxic air.

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    I really like the idea of a gayer Can’t Hardly Wait. You can even mess with Loveburger’s band name (again) and go with, well, take a guess…

    Now that my mind is wandering, I really wish for a lesbian version of The Graduate. Imagine the scene with lez-Ben banging on the church window calling for Elaine, the swinging of the cross that bars the wedding attendees, closing with them running away on the bus as “Sound of Silence” plays! Also seduction by Mrs. Robinson YES PLEASE.

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    If you take the style of the Hunger Games poster, have just your face on it, and put a motivational quote prefaced by “Hey girl,” I’m pretty sure I’d get some studying for finals done. Or continue to peruse AS. Same thing.

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