1. Read all emails that I am scared to open and relate their contents to me in a nonthreatening way via gchat.
2. Listen to all my voicemails and then delete them and only tell me about them if they’re an emergency or if I won money somehow.
3. Monitor celebrity haircuts and alert me when someone gets one that could potentially look good on me.
4. Tell me honestly whether the combination of the outfit I’m wearing and the reason I’m leaving the house requires that I wear a bra.
5. Check in on my Spotify playlist regularly and text me to see if I’m ok if I’ve played Joni Mitchell’s Blue more than once a day.