This post is in a duel with this post.
The only thing lesbians love more than diva cups is sexually harassing other lesbians about why they’re not using diva cups. I gave cups a shot about eleven years ago and that little experiment was a disaster on all counts. I’ve not looked back since. Here’s the thing, ladies: I genuinely love ob tampons! I genuinely do. All my complaints about tampons — the constant fear of leakage, taking up too much space in my pocket, all that plastic — have been solved by ob tampons. Why would I give up the relatively clean removal and disposal of tiny cotton bullets for the opportunity to physically handle a cup overflowing with my own menstrual blood? I haven’t lived in an apartment with a dishwasher since 1995, I spend plenty of time washing cups as it is. I’M NOT GONNA STICK A CUP IN MY VAGINA OKAY ALI I’M NOT GONNA DO IT.
10. Feed my girlfriend almonds out of a tiny cup
9. Mail it to Ellen DeGeneres with a note that says “This is for you, it’s a tiny hat,” and then watch The Ellen Show to see how cute Ellen looks in my hat
8. Wear it as a Tiny Hat With Other Senior Editors Of This Website
7. Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots
6. Mail it to Paris Hilton’s Dog Tinkerbell so that Tinkerbell could wear it on the television and in photographs like this one
5. Use it as a hat for my dog Tinkerbell
4. Use it as a funnel to pour whiskey from the bottle into a flask
There’s no image for this, because it’s too much ahead of our time.
3. Turn it into a pipe and smoke it
2. Shoot a portable remake of Wild Things starring tiny dolls that have been brought to life, like in Indian in the Cupboard
1. Use it as a home for a baby chicken
Look at that baby chicken and tell me you’d rather get that cup lost in your uterus than give a baby chicken a home.
Extra-special thanks to Forever Intern Grace for the masterpiece graphics.