Top 10 Things I’d Rather Do With a Diva Cup Than Put It Inside Me

This post is in a duel with this post.


The only thing lesbians love more than diva cups is sexually harassing other lesbians about why they’re not using diva cups. I gave cups a shot about eleven years ago and that little experiment was a disaster on all counts. I’ve not looked back since. Here’s the thing, ladies: I genuinely love ob tampons! I genuinely do. All my complaints about tampons — the constant fear of leakage, taking up too much space in my pocket, all that plastic — have been solved by ob tampons. Why would I give up the relatively clean removal and disposal of tiny cotton bullets for the opportunity to physically handle a cup overflowing with my own menstrual blood? I haven’t lived in an apartment with a dishwasher since 1995, I spend plenty of time washing cups as it is.  I’M NOT GONNA STICK A CUP IN MY VAGINA OKAY ALI I’M NOT GONNA DO IT.


 10. Feed my girlfriend almonds out of a tiny cup

cornucopia

 


9. Mail it to Ellen DeGeneres with a note that says “This is for you, it’s a tiny hat,” and then watch The Ellen Show to see how cute Ellen looks in my hat

"I love my tiny hat, thanks Riese for making this decision about diva cups"

“I love my tiny hat, thanks Riese for making this decision about diva cups”


8. Wear it as a Tiny Hat With Other Senior Editors Of This Website

tiny-hats

Imagine if everybody at A-Camp had a tiny hat!


7. Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots

shotsshotsshots

Lesbian initiation rite


6. Mail it to Paris Hilton’s Dog Tinkerbell so that Tinkerbell could wear it on the television and in photographs like this one

paris-hilton-chihuahua

so fancy


5. Use it as a hat for my dog Tinkerbell

tinkers

so fancier


4. Use it as a funnel to pour whiskey from the bottle into a flask

There’s no image for this, because it’s too much ahead of our time.


3. Turn it into a pipe and smoke it

weed

This pipe is gay and you might also be gay, so


2. Shoot a portable remake of Wild Things starring tiny dolls that have been brought to life, like in Indian in the Cupboard

I saw this movie the night I lost my virginity

I saw this movie the night I lost my virginity


 1. Use it as a home for a baby chicken

chick1

baby chickens > menstrual blood gushing out of your body

Look at that baby chicken and tell me you’d rather get that cup lost in your uterus than give a baby chicken a home.


Extra-special thanks to Forever Intern Grace for the masterpiece graphics.

 

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Riese is the 33-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1795 articles for us.

114 Comments

  1. Thumb up 8

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    Okay, the dishwasher thing has cured me of wanting to dry out the Diva cup. I’ll stick with my OB tampon bullets, thank you very much.

    (Anyone else thinking about action movies with lots of shooting when they remove one of those? Just me? Okay.)

  2. Thumb up 44

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    I tried the Diva cup and was briefly evangelical about it until I was walking home from a restaurant and it fell out of my vagina. It fell the fuck out. And maybe people will think, “Wow, Vikki must have a cavernous vagina.” But no. Blame user error or design flaw or or whatever. But that is not ok. I had to walk the last block home like a bowlegged cowgirl. So, bring on the shots and the baby chicks because I have one in the bathroom that needs to be repurposed.

  3. Thumb up 6

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    Sorry Riese, getting rid of tampons (in a place where you can’t flush ‘em) just grosses me out (having to handle them, with their congealed blood ewwwww!). And when you’re on a holiday on a boat with no tampon bins (and, inevitably, I will get my period on scuba diving holidays), the cup is just a much cleaner solution – if you can get it to work for you.

      • Thumb up 2

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        Meh, I’ve got that worked out. It certainly took some time tho! Forgot to take my cup on my last (long) holiday and had to use tampons instead… I still feel somewhat “ew!” when I think about it. But, the cup’s definitely not for everyone (I don’t think there’s ever going to be a one-fits-all menstrual solution!!)

        • Thumb up 1

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          Unfortunately there’s no magic trick, it was just a matter of becoming more dexterous in handling it (the first year I had one, I was very unco with it – once managed to drop it into the toilet at exactly the same time as I flushed… byebye cup).

          I guess the keys for me are keeping it upright when removing, preparing pieces of paper for cleaning before removal, and pouring carefully, but that’s not exactly helpful, I know!

        • Thumb up 1

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          Actually, that’s more helpful than you know! For some reason I had always imagined that you had to rinse out/wash the cup before re-placing it – and was trying to picture doing that at a public sink… (And had never clarified with anyone actually using one.) If everything can be done stall-side, I may be in!

        • Thumb up 0

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          I don’t really have a problem with the actual process of dumping it in public restrooms, but the noises are super awkward. I make sure no one is in any other stalls before dumping it at work because the weird suction popping noise is not something I want to explain to any coworkers.

          That being said though, I’m super thankful that I really only need to dump it at work once on the first two days, after that I can last the whole time….which is why I love my lunette.

        • Thumb up 2

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          My guess is that women who have heavy periods and middle-aged women whose cycles have changed might be more evangelical than others. In the past couple of years (I’m in my mid 40’s), my uterus and I have had a complicated relationship.

        • Thumb up 4

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          Personally, I reckon it’s good to share to some extent (not everywhere, but, you know….) – we can all learn something from each other, and when it comes to the vagina, there’s not a lot of talking, so how the heck do we know we’re normal? I reckon undersharing’s one of the reasons why people are so anxious about female reproductive organs (and get plastic surgery on the area and other ridiculous things).

  4. Thumb up 34

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    One more story because I can’t help myself. During my evangelical Diva cup period (no pun intended but certainly appreciated), I convinced a friend to use one. She called me at work one day and was like, “VIKKI I CAN’T GET THE CUP OUT!” I said, “Just pull!” She said, “I DID and it’s like a vacuum in there! I think I need you to come over.” I said, “Why? You want me to take it out? I love you but I don’t know…” She said, “NO! I need you to talk me through it!” She eventually got it out but it was horrible and painful and maybe she and I should do shots together with our cups.

  5. Thumb up 3

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    Aww I really want to try one of these but I can’t justify spending £20 on one and then not liking it/finding it comfortable … And then, this isn’t one of those things where I can just call a friend and ask them if I can borrow their diva cup, you know?

    (I currently use tampons and I’m quite happy with that but, still. All the cool lesbians (Sorry Riese!) have been telling me to get a diva cup.)

  6. Thumb up 38

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    Riese, I think these are all well-reasoned diva cup uses, however I feel obligated to point out that 4 of the total 10 things mentioned are actually just about turning them into hats. Don’t get me wrong, I love hats, but I think you have cheated.

    Here are further suggestions for consideration:

    – egg protectors. No more cracked eggs in the supermarket because they are divacup covered!
    – miniature boob jelly/jello moulds
    – miniature church bell covers. To, like, stop miniature church bells clanging. It could be a problem.

  7. Thumb up 2

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    I got my keeper my senior year of college and was so excited! Normally I use a glad rag too in case of leakage. A few years after getting mine I was looking for a present for a friend who was having problems using drugs. Trying to think of a present for the winter holiday that she couldn’t pawn and would be actually be useful I gave her a keeper. She liked it and I think even used it until her dog ate it. Oh, and at one point she was pulled over by a cop who was checking her vehicle for drugs. He found the keeper and she was trying to explain. Oh my.

  8. Thumb up 14

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    I could not make this up; as I was reading this post, I started bleeding.

    It’s like my uterus read “Diva Cup” and got so excited it wanted ours to visit right now. Between reading this article and writing this comment my Diva Cup is now with me, because it is the best ever.

  9. Thumb up 2

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    It’s weird, because I can understand why people would prefer cloth pads to the chafing diaper-ish feel of disposable pads, and would probably use them if I wasn’t a lazy shit who hates using laundry. But I’ve never understood why people find tampons uncomfortable? Even when I was a preteen who just started, I remember being pleasantly surprised at how comfortable and convenient tampons were. So I’ve never seen the need to replace them with another thing.

    That said, I get that most of the desire to use diva cups instead is due to helping the environment; I’ve just heard the “discomfort” arguments before and I didn’t get it. But all vaginas are different, so maybe mine just really likes tampons.

  10. Thumb up 3

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    Also, o.b. tampons forever! I love those little things. I remember discovering them in undergrad when I was out of tampons and I raided some other girl’s stash in the dorm bathroom, and those were the only ones available. I was like “Ew, no applicator?” but nope, they were perfect!

  11. Thumb up 12

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    I tried using a diva cup once. It triggered my OCD so bad that I ended up:

    -washing my hands
    -washing my hands again
    -pouring soap all over my hand and arm up to my elbow and scrubbing
    -going into the shower and pouring body wash all over my hand and arm up to my elbow.
    -crying in the fetal position in the middle of my bed because I couldn’t stop thinking about the germs.

    I’ll stick with tampons.

  12. Thumb up 13

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    So now I’m alternating between thinking about my diva cup and my stash of ob tampons, thinking, well, why can’t I have both? Sometimes its a diva cup month, and other months it’s a tampon month, you know? Is that greedy of me? Non-committal? Selfish? Maybe I don’t wanna pick a side!

  13. Thumb up 14

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    While I consider myself a huge supporter and fan of the Diva Cup, it did take some getting used to. That’s putting it lightly. The fact of the matter was that I decided to try my Diva Cup for the first time during a backpacking trip. And it EXPLODED (all 5,000 liters) in the middle of my trip. Luckily, I convinced my fellow hikers (mostly guys) to go ahead, with an “OH SHIT” expression written on my face. I attempted even harder to convince them that my genitals weren’t ravaged by a bear when I caught back up with them.

    Side note: it’s really fucking hard to clean up your (ONLY PAIR of) blood soaked clothes when you have a limited water supply.

  14. Thumb up 5

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    I had thought about using a diva cup. And then my last roommate used one. And every month I knew when she was on her period because I would find blood on the toilet seat/side of toilet. So either she has really bad aim or they are difficult to use. Either way, I haven’t been able to convince myself to try them.

  15. Thumb up 8

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    Tried it. Hated it. Something about pulling some messy mess out of my twat in a public bathroom, and hearing a FWOP sound as it was extracted made me Team Anything-But-Divacup.

    On the bright side, if you’re making a tin man costume for your cat, it totally rocks as the hat.

  16. Thumb up 4

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    I wish Autostraddle would talk about queerladies with vaginismus.

    I have vaginismus and with persistence I taught myself to use tampons, but I can stick absolutely nothing else up in there without extremely painful muscle spasms. I bought myself a menstrual cup (in the size meant for *virgins*) but no matter how much lubrication I slather it with, or which folding design I use, I push and prod and think, “okay, I think it’s in…” and then SPROING! it plops back onto the floor.

    I really wanted to love it, guys, ‘cuz I spend a fortune every month on the smooth plastic applicators that will spend the next 10,000 years in a landfill.

  17. Thumb up 1

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    I tend to be rather evangelical about sea sponges (thanks to Kinnie Star’s liner notes for Tidy), but I took a chance on the Diva cup. I absolutely hated it. It always felt like it was going to fall out or overflow and I think I also walked sort of like a duck or non-potty trained toddler when I wore it. The worst, though, was when I was at work (Costco at the time, and always incredibly busy) and I was trying to take it out in the bathroom and it FELL IN THE FUCKING TOILET.

    That’s when I gave up. Now my use for the Diva cup is just the generic threat “I will leave my Costco toilet Diva Cup in your ice cream after I’ve contaminated all of your belongings with its evil.”

  18. Thumb up 0

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    Although I understand the aversion to the DivaCup and respect everyone’s personal decisions there is no doubt that the DivaCup is healthier and safer for you body. Also, better for the environment.

    I encourage everyone to step outside their comfort zone and support the DivaCup.

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