Welcome to “Ten Days of Top Tens,” in which we say goodbye to 2010 by reviewing the year that was. Because we spent this year in front of our computers typing words for you, many of these top tens will be a tad self-indulgent. Resist the urge to recognize it as such.
It takes an inordinately obscene amount of time to put together an Autostraddle post. Due to perhaps some kind of total insanity, we will spend hours looking for the perfect photo or editing the perfect paragraph or ensuring everybody’s gender presentation feels adequately representative (we rarely succeed, but we’re learning and it’s a goal for 2012). Plus we’ve got our own designer and photographer and shit, so we like to do it up right. We take solace in your appreciation and lash out like total fucking babies when you don’t. These various elements — essentially our desire to constantly keep you entertained with flashing lights and photos and headings and jokes — makes running Autostraddle only possible at the expense of pretty much everything else in our “lives.”
In celebration of how hard we work for our emotional rewards, we are going to remind you, right now, of how hard we work for our emotional rewards.
Top Ten Posts That Took FOREVER
Process Begun: February 8
Post Published: April 30
Total Time: 79 Days
Contributors: Riese, Laneia, Sarah, Taylor, Glennisha, Alex, Rachel, Crystal, JC Gonzalez (guest), Intern Emily, Katrina, Intern Lily, Intern Zahra, Tinkerbell
Roundtables take FOREVER. Firstly, everyone writes at least 3,000 words except for Crystal and Robin. Laneia never gets hers done until the draft is essentially ready for publication and Tinkerbell always forgets until the post has in fact been published (she’s a little slow sometimes). Then I have to edit down everybody’s 3,000 words to 800 words without hurting anyone’s feelings, while simultaneously writing 3,000 words of my own, which I put off until the last possible moment, like after Alex has formatted it and everything.
Basically by the time we published this post, the wage gap had closed, and we all knew why.
Process Begun: August 7
Post Published: October 12
Total Time: 66 days
Contributors: Laneia, Riese, Intern Laura, Dina (Guest)
This post took forever for a lot of reasons. Well, I thought it did. But when searching the chat archives to find out when we first came up with this post, I discovered that the primary barrier to moving forward on the tampon posts was… maybe… me.
August 19, 2010 — “I think the tampon post is ready”
Laneia: OK I think tampon post is ready for a look/see and for vegatron/formatting
Laneia: There is talk of poo.
Laneia: Have I told you this? I feel like you might want to cut it, but also it’s really real talk
Laneia: So I like it.
Laneia: Are you mad at me
Laneia: Do you want me to die
Riese: I want me to die
August 20 — “Then we’ll get the tampon post up”
Laneia: What are your main concerns re: today, as far as publishing goes
Riese: My main concern is that nothing will be published ever
Laneia: Ok “how to get laid” is going up within a matter of hours, yes?
Laneia: Ok that’s gooooood
Laneia: Then we’ll get the tampon post up
Riese: If I die writing this recap will you tell Ilene Chaiken it’s her fault
August 27 — “I would love to get tampons up”
Laneia: I would love to get tampons up, but i feel like it’s not a priority to others, so i’m willing to wait. i think i should add more to it, and organize the store better
Riese: Could Dina also write up something about pads or whatnot? Just a brief paragraph?
Laneia: yeah we need a graf about pads
Laneia: [redacted] wrote a thing about bleach-free tampons right?
Riese: in the post?
Laneia: brb i have to get some water and when i close this your chats won’t go through. so don’t repeal DADT or whatever
Riese: do you think you could write a paragraph or whatever about the Emily Gould book?
August 30 — “I am working on Tampon City”
Laneia: I am ‘working on’ Tampon City
Laneia: TAMPON TOWN!
Laneia: It’s adjacent to ALTERNATIVE MENSTRUAL SOLUTIONSVILLE
Laneia: Am I pleasing you with my humor
Laneia: I hope you are pleased
Riese: I’m going to kill myself if the redesign doesn’t go up soon
September 26 — “We can also do the tampon post this week”
Riese: I am almost done with this post about ‘lesbian sex’
Riese: …and i don’t feel like writing the excerpt
Laneia: Oh, I can do that
Laneia: We can also do tampon post this week
Riese: I am going to just cut out my blood making device
Riese: What part of the body makes the blood — ovaries?
Riese: I’m going to cut it out with scissors
Riese: I’ll write about it
Riese: It’ll be like a DIY thing almost
Laneia: I think that your entire body makes the blood
Riese: What if i got your name tattooed on my thigh for shock value
October 8 — “Tampons Will Go Up on Sunday?”
Laneia: Will Alex be doing the tampon graphic
Riese: Yeah ask her and she’ll do it
Laneia:What do you think about a factory, like a stylized factory
Riese:: A factory for what?
Laneia: The graphic
Riese: OH OF TAMPONS
Laneia: How do u feel abt this.
Riese: OH MY GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN
Riese:: I think that might be a bit jarring for the front page, but would be an excellent in-article photo
Laneia: I have factories for the feature graphic, it will be very ominous
Riese: Where’s Rachel
Laneia: I have no idea, I will email her
Laneia: Tampons will go up on sunday?
Riese: I see things being added to a dropbox folder which seem to suggest a music post of some sort? That pleases me.
I told Laneia today that I officially take responsibility for this delay. This is how that went, on December 30 2010:
Riese:: Do you realize how the tampon post eventually got published?
Riese: I went out of town.
Laneia: Yes, you left me in charge.
Laneia: and i talked about periods and gave advice to people
Laneia: that’s basically all i did
Laneia: it was like my own personal slumber party
Laneia: on the internet
3. Long-Distance Flying 101: Music, Reading, Eating, Friend-Making, Drinking, Sleeping and Conquering Fears
Process Begun: May 26
Post Published: June 10
Total Time: 15 days
Authors: Riese (In-Flight Reading), Laneia (In-Flight Magazine Reading and Snacking), Taylor (“My advice is mainly for alcoholics), Natalie (managing your fear of flying), Crystal (in flight music), Alex (In-flight comfort, or “Alex loves naps!)
This took a long time, much like an intercontinental flight.
4. The Autostraddle Swimsuit Issue for Butches, Bois, Femmes, Dykes, Grrrls and Otherwise-Identified Beachgoers
Process Begun: May 25
Post Published: June 19
Total Time: 27 days
Authors: Brandy Howard, Bevin from Queer Fat Femme, Fit for a Femme, Becky, Riese & Alex.
I think we got confused and thought we were a magazine. IDK.
5. Every Single Anything Related to The Real L Word including The Parody Video and those recaps.
I can’t talk about this.
Process Begun: August 13
Post Published: August 23
Total Time Taken: 10 days
Authors: Riese & Sarah, with graphics by Alex
Ten days is not a giant lag time, but we were working on this article more or less nonstop. Basically this is the kind of story where it makes me crazy we don’t have a budget because stories like this are why we “wanted” to be “journalists.” We spent a lot of time listening to police tape, reading stuff, and trying to get in touch with like 5 different people.
Process Begun: April 29
Post Published: May 7
Total Time: 8 days
The thing is that it was gonna be a little daily fix we were supposed to finish in ~3 hours.
Process Begun: October 10
Post Published: October 30
Total Time: 20 days
Authors: Sarah & Rachel
On October 10, the post was titled “The post about Midterm Elections That We’re 110% Going to Write.”
On October 25, the post was titled “The Post on Midterm Elections That We’re 110% Going to Write [STARTED, JESUS CHRIST, I HATE EVERYTHING] [I LOVE YOU RACHEL] [I LOVE YOU BOTH ALSO] [Rachel is a rock star]] [I WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH THIS ALSO] [<-who said that].”
On October 30, the post was titled “Midterm Elections Cram Session: Autostraddle’s Gay Guide to Voting on November 2.”
And then you saw it.
Top Ten Things You Assholes Didn’t LOVE ENOUGH:
Sometimes we write some really fucking amazing posts, like killer pieces of journalism, and you guys don’t care. You can’t even be bothered to lift a tiny finger from your lazy bloated pie-stained hand to type “nice interview, Jess R.” or “thanks for this” or “what a neat band, Crystal/Jess G., thanks for the spotlight!” or “why the fuck are you always talking shit about Ilene Chaiken?” JK! Y’all are MORE THAN READY to hurl your entire consciousness into talking shit about Ilene Chaiken or, conversely, talking shit about how we talk shit about Ilene Chaiken. But then suddenly we’re like “Oh what’s up, here’s a thing about YOUR EQUAL RIGHTS AS A HUMAN” and you’re like “I wonder what’s on Postsecret.”
It’s not just you with this problem –
Design Director Alexandra: It’s hard for me to pay attention to this DADT survey/chat when “How the Earth Was Made” is on the history channel.
Managing Editor Sarah: Alex, history is being made right here.
So today we are going to give you some advice and helpful hints to what you are looking for.
Also it bears mentioning that we love you all but for some reason thought it would be funny to make a list into like a Comedy Central Roast.
9. August 24: The Cliks and Hunter Valentine Interview Each Other
Um, do you guys realize that we got The Cliks and Hunter Valentine to interview each other? I feel like maybe you didn’t, because only 12 of you commented on it? Two Bands, One Interview, everyone’s cute, AND YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO READ ANYTHING. You can sit there and look at your vaginas in the mirror while LISTENING to these good looking people talk to each other and be super funny. You can make hummus at the same time.
Because of this, we turned down Lady Gaga’s request to interview Adam Lambert for Autostraddle. Sorry.
8. August 2: Televisionary Q&A: How “Real” is “The Real L Word”?, by Riese
Okay, most of the time when I interview people, I’m not genuinely interested in their answers to almost any of my questions. It’s just a song and dance. But I was genuinely interested in how reality TV shows are put together — fascinated, even! — and this interview with Carly was ace. Why only 12 comments?
Listen there are two types of people in the world: people who watch shows, and people who watch behind-the-scenes specials and True Hollywood Stories and read magazine/newspaper articles about the shows. Also there are people who do both. I think you know which of those two kinds of people A;ex would sleep with.
7. May 21: What Would Elena Kagan Do?, by Jessica
Even in this photo, Elena Kagan looks really disappointed in you
We have an IN-HOUSE legal expert who takes the time to research and cite like a million things in an effort to help you sound smarter the next time you’re surrounded by other humans, and you didn’t even comment. You didn’t even say thank you. Jessica broke down Elena Kagan’s history, especially as it pertains to you — queer feminist womynny womyn — AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN SAY THANK YOU.
6. August 11: Definitive Elements of Every Tegan & Sara Music Video by Intern Laura & Intern Emily
You might think, “oh, 25 comments, that’s way more than myfeelingsaboutmyexgirlfriend dot blogspot dot com EVER gets!” But when we read this post we said to our bodies/ourselves: 125 COMMENTS COMING UP.
Omg this was so good!! This is the exact kind of thing you read on forums for hours, and when we put it together with images and bolded headlines, you act like it’s something you don’t care about. That’s bitchy. That’s mean. Look how cute Laura and Emily are!
5. All The Time: So Many Interviews
(not enough comments)
You all have some serious issues with interviews. I have an idea, let’s interview everyone in the world and then you can not comment. For example; Kate Clinton, Top Chef Master Anita Lo and Lesbian Hip-Hop Duo Kin4Life.
But I’d really like to draw your attention to Guinevere Turner, From “Go Fish” to L-Wording: The Autostraddle Interview. When were you born. Yesterday? I’m just asking because it kinda seems like you’re not too concerned about the past or the future of lesbians in film. Do you realize that she confirms Michelle Rodriguez’s lesbian relationship with Kristanna Loken in this interview? Probably not. Because you didn’t fucking read it.
4. October 12: Trailer for Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office Season Two, by Julie & Brandy
Not since Beethoven, Arrested Development or Sinbad has such unbridled genius been so under-appreciated in its own time. Julie and Brandy’s groundbreaking season 2 trailer was written and performed in the spirit of a David Lynch piece and its subtle, masterful comedy can scarcely be absorbed in a single viewing. But was its staggering brilliance appreciated by Autostraddle’s otherwise discerning, intelligent audience? Sadly it would seem not. Go watch it again and remember that not every work of art needs tits in the mouth. Though most do.
3. March 20: SXSW Captain’s Log #3: Courtney Love and Smokey Robinson Make Dreams Come True, by Stef
Oh six comments? Only six of you were interested in this Courtney Love show? Or only six of you could overcome your fucking jealousy long enough to be happy for someone else for living her dream? I mean, this post had SxSW survival tips, tons of cute photos and REAL FEELINGS. Have we mentioned that Stef is not only the voice of @CLTranslated, but also is THE WORLD’S LEADING COURTNEY LOVE EXPERT? Oh well, guess you’ll have plenty of time to think that over ’til next year
2. July 2nd: Guerilla Satire: Masked @BPGlobalPR Tells TED Geeks How to Change the World, by Megan
Ok so the next time there’s a time-sensitive, satire-laden and super relevant event going down on one of your favorite social networking mediums, we’re just not gonna tell you about it. Next time someone uses social media to spread awareness about A GIANT OIL SPILL wreaking DEATH AND DESTRUCTION across the ENTIRE CONTINENT, you can just skip right over it because Tegan & Sara weren’t there.
1. September 2: Beverly Hills 90210 Day: Top 7 Characters We’d Like to Fingerbang, by Riese & Laneia
When we tell you who we have passionate sexy feelings for people — especially people from our past — we expect reciprocatory soul-baring from YOU. Instead, y’all acted like none of you had EVER wanted to fingerfuck Kelly Taylor and just left us there, looking like horny jerks. THANKS A LOT.
JK WE LOVE YOU