Top 10 Less Destructive Sandys I Have Known

Sure, hurricanes are fun and all — school is canceled, work is canceled, all responsibilities involving electricity are canceled, and you can hang out in the dark in your pajamas and go down Vanessa’s Frankenstorm list until you’re totally wasted and covered in wax. But eventually, you look out your window at all the downed trees and flooded streets and start to think you might prefer the company of a different Sandy — one that’s less windy, less watery, and maybe a little more sociable. Here are some options!

10.  Sandra Lee

ONLY TWO COLORS SURVIVED HURRICANE SANDRA LEE

The semi-controversial host of “Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee” would rather whip up a Memorial Day Sea Buffet tablescape than wantonly destroy your waterfront property. She can also help you use up all those canned vegetables you just bought in a panic. So she earns our number ten spot, despite her propensity for damaging the English language.

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9.  Sandy Cheeks

HOWDY, Y’ALL

Fuzzy, good-natured, and two-dimensional, Sandy Cheeks is not likely to wreak havoc on anything larger than an acorn. Although I think I remember her secretly being kind of creepily strong? And maybe knowing karate? Damn it, Nickolodeon, this is why I don’t have room in my brain for my parents’ birthdays.

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8.  Sandy West

drummer, The Runaways

MORE OF A TROPICAL STORM

She cofounded the only commercially successful 1970s teenage-girl hard-rock band (which makes her indirectly responsible for the maelstrom that was Kristen Stewart having a Shane haircut). She provided a backbeat for human tornado Joan Jett for years. And she helped write “Cherry Bomb,” which has probably led to a few smashed curfews and windows. But could she pound the skins hard enough to close the New York Stock Exchange? Sometimes I wish she’d tried.

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7.  Sandra Bernhard

LOOK AT THIS FACE, IS THIS THE FACE OF A HURRICANE? OH WAIT

Sandra Bernhard, openly lesbian actress/comedienne/singer/author/icon, has broken barriers. She has broken friendships the rest of us can only dream of possessing in the first place *ahem Madonna ahem*. She has even attempted to break Jenny Schecter’s ego. But she has never, to my knowledge, broken any storm surge records, except in my heart.

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6.  Sandy, The Reluctant Nature Girl

OH NO, MY LID!

Have I ever seen this movie? No. Do I know anything about this movie besides what I learned from the poster? No. But clearly reluctance, frivolity, and “sun-kissed color” have no place in a storm. Although maybe you should rent this, just in case I’m wrong.

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5.  Sandra Day O’Connor

O’CONNOR ATTEMPTS TO CONJURE UP AN ANTI-STORM

After shattering glass ceilings, overturning precedents, and swinging votes for several decades, O’Connor has entered a well-deserved retirement. But her power is such that I’m not convinced this hurricane isn’t the work of her little-known alter ego, Sandra Night O’Connor.

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4.  Sandy

Annie’s dog

ANNIE AND SANDY EVACUATE

Sure, Sandy’s shown some teeth in his time – saving Annie from cartoon kidnappers, saving Annie from onstage kidnappers, saving Annie from live-action-film kidnappers.  But can you put a hurricane on a leash? No.

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3.  Pecan Sandies

EVEN I COULD CRUMBLE THIS PYRAMID

The only thing these are capable of wrecking is my appetite for dinner after I eat an entire bag of them because my definition of “nonperishables” is “things with the Keebler logo on them.” Hopefully the magic tree stays up during the storm.

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2.  Sandy Ricks

Flipper

WATERY SANDY

Remember the part in the movie when Elijah Wood kicks a soda can into the water, and Flipper kicks it back? That was so cute. I would like to see him try to kick a soda can into ninety-mile-per-hour winds.

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1.  Sandy Olsen

Grease

SHE CAN STILL DANCE UP A STORM, THOUGH

As Riese thoughtfully puts it, “Sandy from Grease is criticized by her peers for being so goshdarn harmless.” And she’s more likely to get washed up (on a beach, or as one of those beauty school dropouts) than to flotsamize anything else. I don’t think even a hurricane could mess up John Travolta’s hair, though.

 

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Cara is a writing reading bicycling fiend and a lab mouse to the world. Sometimes she's also Hat Benatar. She lives in Jamaica Plain with five cool roommates and an ice cream machine, and is generally thinking about gender, words, sustainable biodiversity, and/or electric guitars. You can follow her on twitter @cjgiaimo if you want.

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17 Comments

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    Everything about Sandra Lee and her fucking tablescapes makes me want to rip my face off, so I’m not sure she’s any less destructive than this hurricane, you know?

    I’m sorry, I just have a lot of feelings about her show and career and lack of knife skills. But that caption made up for her face being on this page.

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    My first crush was on a girl named Sandi. I was in second grade and she was in third and she had short short hair (which I later learned was the result of a chewing gum incident) and more freckles than Lindsay Lohan. I used to sit in silence next to her on the bench at recess. She was so cute I essentially GAVE UP RECESS just to sit by her.

    Anyway, I’d take her over a hurricane any day. She was a damn good softball player, too.

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      OMG SANDY FRINK.
      Romy: Swear to God, sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
      Michele: Do you want to try to have sex sometime just to see if we are?
      Romy: What? Yeah, right, Michelle. Just the idea of having sex with another woman creeps me out. But if we’re not married by the time we’re 30, ask me again.
      Michele: Okay.

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    And she really comes in handy,
    Especially when you’re all alone in the night
    And you’re small and terribly frightened
    It’s Sandy, Sandy will always be there

    These lyrics are kind of frightening when Sandy the hurricane is taking over.

    But thank you for including my favourite Sandy, Annie’s dog.

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    There’s this relator in my hometown named Sandy Kennedy whose face on park benches, websites, etc. HAS NEVER AGED. Either that fellow has a wicked awesome skin regiment or there is some unicorn blood consumption going on..

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    Oh, Sandy West was the crush of my teenage years! With the most beautiful, ripped legs and the most perfect hair of all times (seriously that girl probably never ever had a bad hair day in her life). I always wanted to be the Keith to her Watts (as in “Some Kind of Wonderful”), although I rather gifted her more of those golden hot pants.

    RIP, Sweetie ♥

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