Top 10 Gayest Rihanna Music Videos of All Time

The new Shakira and Rihanna video got me thinking and I realized something. Rihanna does some gay shit. From her many Instagram pictures of women grabbing her junk to the way she constantly co-opts stereotypically male themes in her songs (arguably subverting their meaning in the process). She’s probably had more alternative lifestyle haircuts than the entire Team Autostraddle combined.

RiRi truly has no fucks to give and is a walking, talking, twerking embodiment of “everyone’s a little bit gay.” For that reason, I have painstakingly gone through the rest of Rihanna’s video library so that I may rank them from least to most gay. It’s a hard job but somebody’s gotta do it. #godswork

Top 10 Gayest Rihanna Videos

10. “We Found Love”

I’m pretty stalwart when it comes to peer pressure but I fear if I ever met Ri, my moral compass would go out the window. This video has it all: Rihanna drinking beer, Rihanna on a skateboard, Rihanna in a jean jacket, Rihanna popping pills, Rihanna in a mosh pit, Rihanna stealing from a grocery store. Rachel says to ignore the dude in this video and realize that this is actually a Skins episode and she ditches that Chris Brown lookalike to go make out with Naomi while on ecstasy.

9. “What’s My Name”

You have to make it when your feature is from a lesbian and Drake is a lesbian. But also at the end there’s some sort of medieval period praising ceremony I think.

8. “Run This Town”

Rihanna is in charge of Roc Nation, a real Commander in Queef if you will. She’s just being real toppy this video and not taking shit from anyone. Plus she looks like a sexy unlockable Mortal Kombat character that I’d use to perform a babality on someone.

7. “Stay”

Ever since Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett emotionally sang in cloudy bathtub water in The Runaways, that became gay. It’s ours now. Sorry middle-aged women drinking wine. Sorry babies. Sorry everyone. We run that.

6. “Rude Boy”

This video makes the list solely for its ability to unlock your own latent homosexuality as it did with our very own Audrey. It’s like Pandora’s Box if that box was filled with lesbianism.

5. “Take a Bow”

This might just me be projecting because this video reminds me of someone I had a crush on in college but also she wears a black tank top for most of this video and we also run tank tops. WE RUN THAT.

4. “Shut Up and Drive”

Oh, hey you. Rihanna here. No big, I’m just working in my auto shop of all lady mechanics. Then I’m gonna stomp around in my leather studded jacket and then I’m going to sing about ‘exploding’ in the cutest hard femme outfit you’ve ever seen. Ok byyyyeeeeee.

3. “S&M”

Ignore the fact that she’s in a room of women decked out in bondage gear. Ignore the fact that she duct tapes a woman’s mouth then kisses the tape where her lips are. Ignore the fact she dry humps a blow-up doll. You’re still left with a song called “S&M,” how would that not make this list?

2. “Pour It Up”

Rihanna enjoys strip clubs. She’s even been known to visit them with her ex, Drake. (More proof Drake is a lesbian, he loves hanging out with his exes). This song reaches a new level of braggadocio, even for Rihanna, with lines such as, “Bandz will make your girl go down.” This video is an homage to the straight up talent these dancers have and how incredibly gay Rihanna can be sometimes.

1. “Te Amo”

When it comes to “Te Amo” we were ON IT like the goddamn New York Times in 2010. This video is her most overtly lesbian with lots of faux making out and even some light choking. You know how sometimes you have a friend that gives you a heavy gay vibe and flirts with you as if that’s a normal thing people do but then when push comes to shove they are like, “I’m gonna back away from this situation slowly, Y U SO GAY THO.” That’s Rihanna in this song and in the video she is nuzzling boobs and grazing another woman’s neck with her lips but then is like NO THANK YOU which is mixed signals if I’ve ever seen them and the woman is like, “Ok, fine then!” BECAUSE CONSENT. If you listen closely you can hear millions of lesbians that this has happened to crying in the background.

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Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 274 articles for us.

28 Comments

  1. Thumb up 4

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    I definitely 100% cracked the fuck up, B. Fucking. Hilarious.

    I can’t believe I’m actually about to make meaningful Rihanna related conversation, because usually, I try my hardest to act like a pop culture snob. I’m. that. queer. But secretly, I’m too ratchet not to love her shenanigans.

    She was GI Jane gay in Hard. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xcwd_Nz6Zog

    She also had queer Biggy Shorty written all over here in You Da One.

    I’m proud of your analysis here, friend.

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    It was difficult for me to climb down from my high horse and click the button to this article. I read “Rihanna” and fell down a deep well of haterism, spooled by gay-as-marketing-device and personal “seriously, you took back a woman beater?” angst. Then I realized you don’t really have a high horse if you know this much about Rihanna. Anyway, I’m glad I clicked, for all the things, but especially this: “Ever since Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett emotionally sang in cloudy bathtub water in The Runaways, that became gay. It’s ours now. Sorry middle-aged women drinking wine. Sorry babies. Sorry everyone. We run that.”

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    I want so much to believe, and these are amazing, but to me it just reeks of pandering to straight dudes and marketing ploys. I mean, you do you, Rihanna, your level of involvement with ladies is entirely your choice, but the way it’s portrayed in these videos just makes me think they’re throwing in vaguely titillating lesbianish images to add to her edgy bad girl image.

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      I would usually be sooo with you on this but judging from Rihanna’s very heavy social presence that she very clearly runs herself, she does not pander to anyone. Like has nary a fuck to give about pandering and I think probably very earnestly sang “Te Amo” and very earnestly enjoys looking and touching women from time to time. But I totes get where you’re coming from. It’s just these “marketing ploys” is that’s what they are don’t stop at her videos. This is just like the tip of the iceberg.

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        I second that Brittani. I was totally anticipating this response to this article, and I also 100% understand that perspective and believe it’s probably true most of the time. But in Rihanna’s case, things like the “Making of Pour it Up” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka_TH6_H7PA make be believe that she actually gives very few fucks about the male gaze. That she genuinely just loves a bad bitch, and her damn self.

        And after all, she did take Cara Delevigne to her first NBA game, which probably gave her the idea of going to another one with Michelle Rodriguez. So there’s that.

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      Agreed. I rolled my eyes so hard at this clip (and this article). This new clip with Shakira is just so boring and unimaginative: really? sucking on a cigar? Wow that’s subtle. I don’t quite see why I should rejoice about this but ok.

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      As long as pandering to straight guys also panders to this lesbian, I am 100% okay with it if that in fact is the case.

      I think Rihanna is a very sexual person though and she’s doing it cause she wants to. She doesn’t make any allusions that she actually dates women.

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    How have I never seen the Te Amo video?!?! Ugh. That face tho. And all her queer hairstyles! RiRi could def get it! Or I could give it? Or it could be gotten between the two of us? Ugh. She’s just the hottest pseudo bisexual out there.

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    You know, with “Te Amo”, it was never the text that struck me as particularly gay, but then, I wasn’t really paying that much attention to it, either.
    Laetitia Casta, an old French castle and a burning brunch in the outdoors, you only need to be like 10% gay on the Kinsey scale to supply an enthusiastic “Yes,Yes,Yes!” to that proposition for a video clip immediately.

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