Were you here for the Lindsay Lohan moratorium in 2010? It was an embattled span of several months that we were dragged through before being dropped off at the only viable logical self-preserving conclusion, which was never talking about LiLo again (unless she did something expressly queer or otherwise tempting). And I don’t have to tell you what it’s been like since 2010 — you clicked this link, you already know.
IT’S BEEN AWFUL.
Now we’ve been gifted with this docuseries, Lindsay, on Oprah’s OWN Network. More specifically, we’ve been gifted with this extended trailer teaser situation. Are you ready? Oh god it doesn’t even matter just watch it.
I tried to choose the most important soundbite and just couldn’t. Here are three snippets worth soaking yourself in for a minute.
There’s nothing left in having a drink for me. What’s left in that feeling? Nothing. There’s no party that I haven’t gone to, there’s no person that I haven’t hung out with. There’s no situation that I haven’t, you know, been exposed to.
Lindsay: Now you’re getting me angry, because you weren’t good for me for a long time in my life.
Michael Lohan: Well if that’s what you believe, that’s fine, honey.
It’s goodgood good good good — and then there’s that thing in my head where it’s like, “Ohp, time to sabotage.”
So many conflicting emotions. Because I can’t process anything alone, I asked the daily team for their thoughts. It was a mixed bag.
Hansen: LiLo gets OPRAH as a life coach. I honestly have high hopes for Lindsay. It’s easier to watch someone get it together than ruin their life, that’s for sure.
Carmen: I just feel like it seemed like that trailer was about Lindsay Lohan taking back her life because she has the power and direction and desire to do it, and then it became about her being given a stern talking to [by Oprah]?
Stef: I used to make an internet LIVING making fun of Lindsay Lohan and now I can’t even, I hope there is lots of Dina on this show!
Riese: Wow that show looks intense. I thought it was going to be a train wreck but it’s actually gonna be like a train, but a romantic train ride in a movie where people cry sometimes. l feel like it will be good — I feel anticipatory and nervous about it and will watch the fuck out of it.
I, too, will be watching the fuck out of this show. And I don’t know how to tell you that I genuinely deeply care about Lindsay Lohan? Because I don’t think I’ve come to terms with it myself — how weirdly and irrationally invested I was / am in Lindsay Lohan’s personal success. Like I didn’t realize Mean Girls meant so much to me. So I’m really hoping with my whole heart that she is better and finds happiness and never dyes her hair again! But on the other hand, I feel scared about this being a reality show — ESPECIALLY a recovery-based one, you know? It seems exploitative and humiliating and like maybe The Worst Idea, and yet I will still watch the fuck out of it. Because I am THAT invested and hopeful. I’m trusting you with so much of my truth right now.
The series premiere of Lindsay airs Sunday, March 9, at 10/9c on OWN. Maybe we’ll have an open thread (because why not really) and then Chelsea — of American Horror Story recapping fame — will be bringing you a recap soon after.
Thank you for being here with me during this time of ultimate need and conflict. Let’s process. Unrelated: what do you think is LiLo’s most underrated film? I’m gonna say Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, because singing and dancing and DREAMS.