The Stanley Cup Finals Will Feature Commentary by Women That Don’t Care About the Stanley Cup

There are moments when you start to read words and you kind of wish you hadn’t started reading them at all because then there’s surprise disappointment which is definitely the worst kind of disappointment. Like when there’s a bag and it says chocolate covered…raisins. Or when there’s a gas station whose price per gallon is somehow twenty cents less than the surrounding gas stations and then you see “w/ car wash” and you realize their evil ploy drew you in. That’s how I felt when I read this article about the CBC announcing an alternate audio channel for the Stanley Cup Finals (which I think is Canada’s Super Bowl but with more white people) featuring two female broadcasters.

Oh.

Sounds amazing, right? I thought, “Whoa. The north is so great.” Probably a thought many of my ancestors had once upon a time. Then I kept reading and my comprehension skills kicked in. This broadcast isn’t going to be women talking about hockey. It’s going to be women talking about anything BUT the game. Isn’t that fresh and groundbreaking! Hey, Canada. Way to be America. The channel will feature commentary from Lena Sutherland and Jules Mancuso of While the Men Watch which provides sports commentary that women want to hear (supposedly). 

“In all seriousness, there is no shortage of talented female sportscasters out there who we respect.  We just think it’s more fun to talk about why so many gorgeous players come from Welland Ontario and why they all skate around with scotch tape holding up their socks.”

Obviously this is problematic, anti-feminist, heterosexist, and overall just pretty boring but what really grinds my gears the most is that these women are making such a big hoopla about not caring about sports. When you make such a big deal about not giving a shit, it’s no longer cool to not give a shit. Telling people to look at how much you don’t care goes against the entire methodology. That’s what not giving a fuck is for. And now that they are being brought into this campaign about exposing new crowds to hockey, they have to pretend they actually care about the game on their show that is all about not caring about the game.

Meanwhile, legitimate female sports broadcasters continue to be ignored, or even worse, relegated to on-court commentary where they have to coax large hulking men that drip sweat onto their microphones into speaking barely audible and often non-sensical sentences. If the CBC truly wants to engage female viewers, this is quite possibly the worst way to do it. Unless of course, the most pressing questions you have of Stephen Daneyko and gold medalist Jamie Sale is whether or not they advise sex on game day. In which case, they nailed it.

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Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 304 articles for us.

28 Comments

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    Great. Fucking fantastic. Please make it harder for me to be taken seriously as a woman in sport, especially sports characterised by full body contact. Never mind that this shit actively reinforces the prejudice that keeps women from doing what they love and preforming their jobs on and off the pitch. Have fun. Go ahead, shit in my heart. Why the fuck not.

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      Agreed, it breaks my heart. I hate that I have to prove myself time and time again, showing people that I actually know what I’m talking about once a hockey discussion comes up. So frustrating. (Or like the time I googled whether or not any women had made it into the Hockey Hall of Fame, was pleased to see they had at least a couple, and then read the comments on the article – always a mistake.)

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    As if Don Cherry and Ron MacLean weren’t offensive and out of touch enough already. CBC, you’ve outdone yourselves with this one *slow clap*. HNIC now features hockey legend Cassie Campbell, and I’d LOVE to hear what her take on this is.

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    I’m just so amused this has got as far as Autostraddle. Yeah, it’s vile. In some ways I think the very core of the idea – people who aren’t obsessive fans observing some of the truly obsessive shit fans do, or whatever, the kind of outsider perspective on sports fandom – could be kind of funny, except everything about the way CBC has pushed this as a gender wars thing, combined with the fact that women doing traditional hockey commentary are still so rare, it all just makes me want to hurl.

    PS Let’s go Kings!

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    This has nothing to do with hockey and more to do with just sports, but after some very persistent fans (ahem, including me), it was decided that tomorrow’s USWNT game against China will be live streaming online. So please support the U.S. women’s national soccer team and watch the game on the US Soccer website at 7! (That’s May 27, 7pm eastern time zone.) If you like men playing hockey, then you will love cute girls playing soccer. Promise. :)

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    I’m confused, who the hell is the audience for this show? My mother doesn’t care a lick about hockey but she’s not going to be sitting down to listen (watch?) a program featuring people who talk about how much they don’t care about hockey. Do they assume wives won’t have hobbies or friends or better things to do???

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      Yeah, I’m equally perplexed. It’s not like you are sitting there while “the men” watch and are hearing a different commentary. You actually would be sitting by yourself or with other women hearing the chatting about the hometown of the cute guys who tape their socks. Maybe if you don’t like hockey you just shouldn’t watch.

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    This makes my head/heart hurt. In addition to everything pointed out in this article, this also won’t help the asinine thinking that women can’t talk intelligently about sports which falls right in line with the thinking that women aren’t real athletes/women’s sports aren’t real sports. And if I remember correctly, there was at least one female broadcaster covering women’s hockey during the 2010 Olympics.

    And if I had to listen to Don Cherry and Ron McLean during intermissions, I would watch hockey on mute. The US intermission program is at least tolerable.

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    I am convinced that one reason my father is so fine with having a lesbian daughter (like, doesn’t even care remotely at all that I am not straight) is because he wanted his only child to be one who would watch hockey with him. I’m just saying…

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    Lovely.Lesley Visser just had a major coronary after reading this. Evidux, I went through a pint of vanilla ice cream after reading this…with melted chocolate sauce.

    So let me envision. Right before a commercial comes on the women talk about cosmetics, or what ever-gag-me-with-a-spoon, then the Budweiser and Ford pick up truck commercials ensue.

    See! This is why I went radical!

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