The L Word, Season Five, Episode Two [502] RECAP: Look Out, Here They Come!

Our Sentiments Exactly!

So um … Episode 502 … was … good? Not bad. Yup. Yeah. No big complaints. It wasn’t an Emmy-award winning stunner — not a spectacularly mind-blowingly ridiculous hour of HOT SEX AND PURE POETRY (e.g., 114- The Season One Finale, 305 -Alice-Uta Vampire Sex & Cherie-Shane Pool Sex, 112 -Dinah Shore Weekend, 205 -When Dana & Alice Do It, 406- The Phone Chain & Poker Sex Spree) — but it was … a’ight. A solid 50 minutes of soapy television goodness with semi-believable dialogue and a number of very amusing moments. I laughed, I cried [actually I didn't, I only cry when Shane wants to know what's so great about feeling, Cherie, because she feels like her heart's been completely ripped out], it was marginally better than Cats . It did more or less what television is intended to do. I have no idea how to talk about it.

Have I gone mad? Am I on glue? What’s happening? I like this show! I feel a little crazy right now.

This week’s viewing was attended by me (obvs), Alex, Carly, and Cait (who refuses to be photographed). Haviland is in Savannah, Georgia, and according to my most recent hourly “Life of Haviland” update, Target sells cute bikinis. ‘Cause I know a lot of y’all are hot for Hav, I’m gonna pepper the recap with Haviland photos from the permanent collection, based on how I imagine Hav might react if she’d been with us.

The L Word! The L Word was a real teevee show! I realised while watching it that I’ve stopped thinking of it as an actual dramatic television series, but more of a variety show, like The Brady Bunch Hour. I learned long ago not to grow attached to characters (they might switch personalities) or plotlines (what happened to Papi? Alice’s job?) ’cause I don’t trust the show to follow through, seeing as it mercilessly tosses characters into the vortex w/o explanation. There’ll be skits: a core group of actors playing different characters each week & a rotating roster of big-name guest stars. Musical numbers, dancing, sexy moments, copious heaps of pool scenes, impractical & gaudy outfits (often incorporating glitter), sleek designer haircuts, some heated arguments and some slapstick. But today it has advanced from BB Variety Hour to TV Dramedy.

Love Poem Haiku for Ilene Chaiken #2
I love what you can do
when someone else writes it.
Oh Ilene: call us.

*

I’m adding a new feature this week. In honour of Papi, who is in a better place now, the “Really Papi Really” Award will be given each week to the most ridiculously retarded line of the episode. Also, for the newbies, a brief aside on the quote of the week — the quote of the week is the best standalone line in the episode — a line that doesn’t need context or dialogue to shine shine shine like a roman candle. ‘Cause there were a lot of awesome convos this episode, but only one “quote of the week” will go on in the race to become America’s Next Top Model. Also — every week I do a “This Week in Corrections” but so far … no corrections have been registered. Which is too bad, I’ve got a cute graphic.

*

Let’s Get it ON : The Poor Man’s Stanley Tucci — let’s call him Stan, ’cause I can’t track down his name and don’t care — is speakin’ our language: “More lesbian sex! We want more of it! You’re the one who said lesbians are always sleeping with their friends!” [After which we nearly unanimously declare "I don't know what he's talking about," while avoiding eye contact with each other.] To punctuate his point, Stanley demonstrates the scissor position with his hands, which is terrible/AWESOME.

I’m poised to attack this scene, compare it to Gomey’s request in Season Two that Mark add sex to his hidden-camera doc of Shane and Jenny’s luscious lives — but um. Unfortunately. This scene. Is. good. Possibly. One of the best? Ever?

It works both on the surface and subtextually. The scene nods to the fans (we want MORE SEX), winks at the straight-male desire to just see two women gettin’ it on regardless of faithfulness to the actual story (he pitches multiple improbable pairings) and also illuminates the dynamic between Jenny and Tina w/r/t this project and how Jenny feels about Tina (deep loathing) and how Tina feels about her relationship with Bette (unfinished business) and how they feel about the script (still attached to it as non-fiction). Yes. The opening scene of The L Word , Episode 2 of Season Five — is an all-around success. And I haven’t even gotten to the part where all our wildest dreams come true — when Team Pink [I can't figure out why they've got pink scripts, it must mean something, maybe it's cause of vaginas?] tosses around some potential sex matches.

“Just think about it … ” he begins. And WE DO. We have!

Stan suggests that Bev and “the makeup artist” should hook up. Obvs this’d never happen, Bev would never fuck a sloucher. Tina objects ’cause “Bev and Nina are together!” and the “serial cheater” idea undermines the significance of her affair with “the plumber.” I don’t know, I feel like anyone who’s had a relationship with a plumber would consider it significant.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #4: I Dreamed a Wet Dream
The Players: “Bev,” “Shaun,” “Nina,” “Helen.”
The Pick Up: Um, “Let’s do something that would never happen in real life?” “Let’s make all the audience’s wildest dreams come true?’ “Let’s marry comedy gold with half-naked girls?”

Alex : OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!
Carly : OH MY GOD are you kidding me?!! That SHOULD happen!
Alex [higher voice now, v.girly]: OH MY GAWD!!
Riese : OMG LOL LMAO WTF What the fuck just happened?
C
arly : JENNIFER BEALS!
Alex : With no shirt on!

Nina & Shaun? Jenny freaks, ’cause she hates Nina and doesn’t want her to get any. It’s hilarious, you’ve gotta see it. Jenny’s very mature, you guys. If this scene’s any indication, I personally wouldn’t mind seeing Nina get some with Shaun. Helen & Bev? J&T think that’d never happen ’cause they’re too much alike — a popular theory. We’ve spent some time pondering this ourselves, obvs. But let’s give it a rumble just to see, yeah? Okay.

Okey doke. Are y’all open to requests? Okay: Alice & Helena, Jenny & Shane, Tasha & Bette, Tina & Shane (just sayin’, doesn’t look so bad up there, let’s keep that scene going), Bette & Alice (flashback!), um, I could do this all night and then I’d never finish the recap. Moving on … oh but first, this is how I imagine Haviland reacting to the Bette/Helena matchup:

*

Goin’ To The Chapel and We’re Gonna Get Fisted : Shane’s got a hair job at a wedding which requires two gigantic bags of um … hair supplies? Maybe she’s got a weed-whacker in there and she’s gonna trim some hedges and manicure some bushes. Ha! Get it? Sigh. Um, right, so Shane’s got a job in Fantasyland, styling the hair the lovely maiden daughters of Jenny’s boss. They’re all really eager to get done. Aren’t we all. Shane tells Mrs. Isabelle Inconceivable that she’s got a really nice place. That Shane, she’s a smart one: she knows the difference between a shack down by the river and a mansion with acres of greenery owned by very wealthy people. Isabelle introduces her to the girls who all smile and giggle coquettishly.

Also — take note. This episode was written by Cherien Dabis . She’s a legitimately talented and experienced writer, one of The L Word ’s best right now, I think. Also it was directed by Jamie Babbit, who rocks on about 400 different levels, including the level of directing But I’m a Cheerleader, which I’m guessing is one of your favorite movies (it’s one of my faves!) and Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

Carly : You’ve gotta be kidding me, this is not the way that anybody lives.
Riese : It should be. This is why I watch television.
Carly : Oh my GOD, she’s gonna sleep with all of them. Oh Shane, Shane’s back. Just cut her hair and I’ll like her again.

*

My Super Ex-Girlfriend : Tina’s having lunch with a woman who looks slightly more exciting than drywall. Tina can’t stop talking about Bette and her baby. She’s obvs not read a lot of women’s magazines, than she’d know that it’s a Glamour DON’T to talk about your ex on the first date. Tina tells lots of fun stories, like about how Bette wants ‘Angie’ to be an artist and Bette’s the dean of the CAC and they had to get man-juice from a Whitney Biennial Artist … this’d be a super-boring convo even if it wasn’t a date. Like, Tina, why don’t you talk about your life & your dreams and how you feel about the politics, literature, world peace, etc? Maybe Ilene hasn’t figured those personality traits out yet. Oh yeah! Lez Girls! That’s Tina’s big dream in life: to go to meetings about this movie she hates.

*

I Married in the Sun [tell me where tell me where] : Back at Barbie’s Dream House, Skipper and the gals are getting their hair did for the big wedding in the garden. You may recognise the bride Madison from Season Three, when she played “young Bette” in a flashback scene. It’s like Law & Order , but without a plot. Anyhow, Madison sho’ is purty.

The maidens ask Shane if she’s got a boyfriend and then ask if she’s got a girlfriend. “Not anymore,” Shane says. [Then so silently you can't even hear it, she adds: "Once Paige saw me in this shirt, it was O-V-E-R."] For those of you that live in caves or only talk to lesbians on OurChart (which is for everyone, btw, even trannies), that means “Now I can do whatever I want, bitches! Wanna fuck?!!!” Abigail gushes that they wish Shane could do their hair every day. Me too, but only cause I like the part after the haircut when she takes off your clothes and fucks you. Just sayin’. We LOL when they ask if she’s ever gonna get married, and then, in response to “gay people can’t get married,” Gina says: “Yeah, but they can pretend!” Then Gina squeals “Do me now!” Call me crazy, but when I hear “gina” I think “gene” and when I think “gene” and watch this scene I think GAY GENE. Hello. Nice fam! I bet Inconceivable’s got some proclivities of his own.

*

Would You Give Up All Your Love to Take a Run at the Past With Me: Bette, looking fan-fucking-tastic, busts up the Talk-About-Bette Luncheon … Denise refers to Bette as the “famous Bette,” and Tina’s so bubbling and oblivious and awkward that you kinda can’t help but want to hug her. Naked. Bette, because underneath all her hotness she’s a little sadistic towards Tina w/r/t forcing the Love for Jodi thing upon her, tells Tina they’re having lunch if she wants to join them. WHO’S WATCHING THE BABY?!! You know, ANG?

Tina invites Denise to join the lunchtime fun, but she’s had enough. If she wants to listen to someone talk about Bette all day, she can go to the AfterEllen message boards. Tina says “maybe we can do this another time,” and the girl’s like “I think you have some things to figure out.” Eh, I think she’s got it pretty much figured out. But what is she gonna do about it? That’s the question.

*

Hello Mother, Hello Father, Here I am at Camp Granada : In addition to high-stakes poker, gambling and catering, Helena’s also taken up journal writing. Or perhaps she’s sketching, she’s an artist, like Angelica “Ang” Portard. Helena’s watching Bunny do push-ups. I’d feel kinda weird if I was doing push-ups and my cellmate was staring at me and writing away in her little journal. Redrum. I think Helena’s getting Cabin Fever, which means when the Fever breaks, all bets are off!

*

T is for Toilet, Obvs : Max is waiting for the bathroom, so’s Tom, Tom thinks Max is hot, who cares, blabla, they’re falling victim to the number one crime perpetrated by girls who like girls, which’s making out in the bathroom when other people really do have to pee. But here’s the thing: if you hold it, you’ll still be able to urinate in five minutes. If they hold in their orgasm and/or sexual excitement, they might never get it back. Just ask Jenny and [deep voice] Marina. Or anyone.

Alex: That’s like, the story of our lives!
(This IS the way that we live, y’all!)
*
Haviland picture time:

*

I Wish That We Didn’t Have To Go About Things This Way: Bette & Jodi are having lunch with Alice. All these people do is eat food and drink coffee or alcohol, yet they weigh about 60 pounds apiece (except Shane, she’s like 50). Tina says her date went well and they’re gonna do it again, and I can’t really tell if she believes herself or not — either way, nicely played. Bette is above almost everything in life, but she ain’t above jealousy. Bette asks what this Denise character does for a living, and Jodi says that’s a terrible question to ask and I agree with Jodi. For example, what if Denise was a prostitute or a drug dealer or a priest or an artist-killer? Awkward! They’ve got some exposition to go over: They don’t know why Tasha’s been deployed. Shane’s trying to get past the Paige stuff, do they really think Paige burned Wax down? Burn, burn, burn your life down. I love Tegan & Sara. Look at all the pretty girls. Alice seems concerned that things’ll keep escalating for Shane’s jilted lovers. I dunno, the banner/billboard incidents from Season One were pretty intense.

Too Bad It Wasn’t Brian Kinney: Tom said he just pissed next to the cutest boy. Story of my life! You guys though it totes was not a boy! It was MAX! AKA MOIRA!! OMG! What if I wrote this entire blog in LOLCAT? I don’t know what that is, because I don’t like cats or out-loud laughter. But just an idea. In this scene, Leisha totally looks like she thinks her lines are retarded and she’s having a hard time saying them. Although, I guess it’s not like people don’t talk in exposition ever. Tina’s gotta bust to get her dress for the big wedding! I wish it was Kermit and Miss Piggy’s wedding, that’s probs my favorite wedding of all time. Look ladies, you’ve all got some issues with same-day dry-cleaning. Doesn’t anyone know how to plan ahead? What are they, me?

*

*

You’re a Fighter, Not a Lover : Hi-ho! Off to the military we go! This is like Major Dad or M.A.S.H., two of many shows I wasn’t allowed to see as a child. Beech says he didn’t expect to see Tasha back so soon. “Well, I didn’t ask and I didn’t tell you to come back,” Carly adds in her Modern Major General voice. Tasha says she’s back ’cause she’s seeking council ’cause she’s under investigation and though she hasn’t been formally notified she imagines it’s for homosexual conduct. Tash! What are you thinking?!!You’re supposed to say, “I’ve got NO clue what it could POSSIBLY be for, I was just telling my husband Joe McStraightieStraight last night– what on earth? Did I take extra bombs? Go over my tank quota? I was certain I’d not taken any extra rations.” Beech is not interested in representing her, though the look on his face suggests otherwise:

An Army of One Kind of Person : He says it’s very hard to defend yourself in a homosexual conduct case ’cause the allegations almost always turn out to be true. Good point. Then he starts talking to her like homosexuality is contagious and he doesn’t know her anymore. She should be like, “See now, it’s dudes like you that make me wanna be gay in the first place,asshat.” He tells her to mind her P’s and Q’s. I dunno what that even means, but I feel like this guy is a douchebag. This is like in South of Nowhere when Glen goes to register for the army except the opposite of that.

Sidenote: this happened to a friend I went to high school with. She was in ROTC and stuff at Colorado and then when people found out she was gay she got kicked out and had to work to pay back two years of scholarship. Seriously. Suck city. Seriously I cannot believe the U.S. is doing this. They should be grateful for every single human body that volunteers to take part in this ridiculous, ridiculous war. Or they can just continue to ship off our most disenfranchised citizens, to fight for freedoms they’ve barely got themselves. Oh right! The TEEVEE SHOW! Hi-yah!

Don’t See, Don’t Hear, Don’t Tell!

*

You Know, Like Joan of Arc and Zach Ephron: Back at The Planet, everyone’s playing “I Spy” and Tom spies a cute boy doing an internet search. (Also sidenote: what’s Max’s job exactly? Besides filming the undoubtedly mega-popular and super-profitable dubiously named “podcast”?) The girls laugh, ’cause they’re all thinking about how Tom doesn’t like the vag and how they’d like to eat some later. Tom’s like “wtf? Do I have to go back to Manhunt?” No really — he’s like “what, is something wrong with him?” to which we answer, “Yeah, he can’t act,” but on the teevee show they’re like “Um,” and then she was like “OH MY GOD Becky. Her butt is SOOOOO big. She looks like one of those rap guy’s girlfriends,” and then, “He used to be a lesbian.” Bette goes “he’s a trans-man,” real quickly. It’s funny, and cute, and actually does resemble the way that we live.

No one answers the unspoken question that’s probs weighing heavily on Tom’s mind — Penis. Circle One: YES or NO. Anyhow, um, hey, nice scene. Not good, not bad. I’m defo on glue, right? I mean, I guess not a lot is happening in this episode, character-development wise, or plot-wise, but it’s fine anyhow, I feel like we need some time to settle in. To this imaginary world. Of fake people. On a screen. Hm. I’m in a mood.

*

I Bet She Got it in an amazon.com “Better Together” With Dirty Blonde : Max is typing away on an enormous laptop, probs performing international intraface internet interweb searches. You know how Max is. Typetypetype. Max asks Kit — who, P.S., fucking ROCKS this episode, yes she rocks us inside out — “You see that girl over there?” and Kit’s all like, Oh gurrrrllll you bet I do. I got myself two eye sockets and you bet I got some working eyeballs alll up in them. Kit says that girl’s been sitting there for three days in the same ol’ clothes. I wonder where she sleeps. Suddenly Max and Kit are Besties, which’s random but interesting and therefore good.

Although Tom’s still in the dark re: Max’s genitals, there’s another Big Question on Everyone’s Mind that WILL be answered this afternoon: “Who the fuck bought Some of Our Goddamn Parts ?” I’ll tell you who: this girl.

SOME MANIFESTO : Oh also, note to Jenny’s publishers: that book cover is retarded. It looks like a Valerie Solanas production. But also, like, obvs, I mean, she looks like the kind of girl that’d enjoy a little confessional memoir action. Maybe one day she, too, like others before her, will enter the Vortex. I mean, most new characters have kinda faded away, except Helena. You know?

Kit tries to talk her into a Pear Polenta Tart — on the house — Kit!!! Didn’t you learn ANYTHING at T.O.E.? She had a special meeting with TOE where he told her specifically to mark up the Pear Polenta Tart. I wonder if those even exist in real life. Yes, indeed they do . Thank you, Max, for inventing the internet.

I know what you’re thinking — she’s not cute. Well, listen, I wasn’t born yesterday. In fact, I was born in 1981, which meant in 1999, when She’s All That came to motion picture theaters everywhere, I was able to see it, which is how I know about THIS special effect:

Take off the glasses! That’s all you gotta do. Howevs, my friends are stupid and don’t see this.

Riese : If she put on her hood she’d be a critter .
Cait: No she wouldn’t.
Carly: Cait has spoken. The authority has spoken.
Cait: Look at her glasses!
Riese: If she took them off!
Cait: A hoodie does not a critter make.

It was Almost Like They Were Some of MY Parts!: Kit asks Adele how she likes the book. Adele says Jennifer’s her favorite writer. Kit points to Max and says he lives with her. He does? Remember when Max and Jenny were together and he was worst roommate ever with his beer cans and his mess and stuff? And now what? I guess they probs let him stay there ’cause of the internet. Adele is totally starstruck, Carly says that she probs’ll have to sleep with Max first, he’s like the gatekeeper.

We have a brief interlude to the wedding, where Gina is messing up her hair so that Shane can do her now. Then back to the Peach Pit …

Nobody Likes Me, Maybe If I Cry : Jenny whirls into The Planet, all a-flutter, and flings her hat into the air and screams. I mean, she asks for a vanilla hooha triple slim chai double skim upside down over and over forevs and evs decaf half caf mochafrappuchinolicious americano. I really love the way Mia’s playing this part now, I think she’s done well. She tells Kit it’s been such a nightmare ’cause her assistant quit and she’s gotta be at this wedding in an hour and she doesn’t have a gift! But Max and Kit have concocted another plan for Jenny. How? When? Silly rabbit, continuity is for kids! Just relax and go with the flow. It’s funny! Look at Jenny, so unimpressed when Kit says she’s got someone Jenny needs to meet — her biggest fan!

I Listen In You Should Know This : Sidenote: This here — this kind of situation — is why I write . I write because I want to be the book someone reads five times when their Mom has a nervous breakdown. (That’s not why I write recaps of The L Word . I write recaps of The L Word because I’m a masochist.) If this doesn’t warm the embers of Jenny’s demented little soul, I’ve got no idea what motivates her.

Adele, who must be have a very high tolerance for bad literature, read “Thus Spoke Sara Schuster” 25 times and adapted it as a screenplay for her Women’s Studies Class (I hope she got the carnival motif right) at The University of Central Florida ZOMG guess who else went to the University of Central Florida? CARLY!!

Carly : “OH MY GOD MY ALMA MATTER! What an honour! It’s so prestigious!”

*

Lesbian Sexy Moment #6: One Magnet To Another Magnet To Another
The Players : Gina and Shane
The Pick-Up : “Shane, look what happened to my hair!”
Hot or Not ? Um. The crying’s a little awkward? For a girl you’ve just met? You know? It’s just intense. For a first time. But before that, the fucking, the boobs, the Shane — cool. It’s just amazing that Shane is fucking yet another bridesmaid. You GO, girl.
*
Riese: Is she wearing a strap-on?
Carly: Where’s her other hand?
Alex: What’s going on?
Carly: Where’s her left hand?
Cait: Oh, it’s on her waist.
Riese: What’s going on?

*

It’s My Sister’s Party And I’ll Cry After Sex If I Want To : When Gina starts crying, Shane’s like “Don’t cry, I hate it when girls cry.” JK, she said that in Season One. Season Five Shane is like, wtf, awkward. Which is … AWESOME! Gina says she wants Rex (You know, Rex Manning?) to see them together. Um, Shane’s got shit to do. Hello, she’s the hairstylist, did you see those bags? There are entire packs of wild beasts in those bags. Don’t jock her style. Who AM I this week, I keep speaking as though I’m trying hard to be cool and failing and I’m 12.

*

And A Girlfriend in a Pear Tree : Joyce has taken a trip to the Amazon, where she harvested an entire rainforest and stuck it in a giant vase to bring back to L.A. for her lady-love. Luckily, Phyllis loves endangered natural resources. When Haviland’s show opened ( Les Miserables ) I sent her a lemon tree with a fake stalker love note. Haviland picture moment:

Les Miserobvs
*

(*Update: Since the viewing and the moment when I said what I said up there, I’ve now listened to the Planet Cast and they make a similar joke about this being the first lesbian joke ever. They made it first, I mean, chronologically, though I was unawares. Mostly, I just wanted to note that here so that I could advance myself from this recap and into my favorite area, “META,” where meta means whatever I want it to, like how you probs do with the word “ironic.” You should listen to them, obvs , as they are amazing.)

*

< It’s A Small World After All : Kit and Max are forcing Jenny to listen to Adele talk about her life and her Mom. They ask Adele why she chose the University of Central Florida and why she chose Orlando and after a quiet but brilliant moment where Jenny says, quietly, “Because she loves Disneyworld,” Adele explains that it’s the only school in Orlando that offers Women’s Studies and Film AND she needed to take care of her mother who had a nervous breakdown and it was terrible, just terrible.

Carly : “Because it’s the only school in Orlando, period! I can’t believe she went to UCF ’cause of the Women’s Studies and the Film Program. The Film program is a joke, the women’s studies program is a certificate program! It’s a certificate! It’s not even a degree! I am so upset right now.”
*

Your Life is Hype, Your Love is Hype : Adele adds that she turned down an NYU scholarship to take care of her mother. That’s too bad, ’cause clearly she’s sacrificed both the opp of living near ME and her sanity, because if she was sane, she would not believe that Jenny Schecter is a real writer. Also, those glasses, did they steal those from “Ugly Duckling Pre-Swan” Central Casting Costume Department? Anyhow, this is lovely. I like Kit in this context, and Max … omg, almost bearable!! Kit’s like, “Isn’t that nice, Jenny?” (re: Adele reading her book five times) Adele reveals her true dedication when she says she came to the Planet ’cause she heard it was the inspiration for the Pluto Cafe. Man, she’ll really die when she meets Nina and Bev! It’ll be like Nurse Betty .

I Feel You In my Heart And I Don’t Even Know You: Jenny’s gonna be late for the wedding and she needs a gift? What will she do? Adele feels bad, it’s her fault, can she help? Why yes indeed she can! Luckily, Adele’s got nothing better to do and she’s eager to stop by Williams-Sonoma and get something super-special. See Jenny, you could’ve harvested reader-power earlier in your life, fo’serious, ’cause people who already like your writing are one step closer to liking you and helping you design superfly boyshorts and stuff. And by “helping you” I mean “doing everything, because they’re awesome and beautiful/lovely/perfect.”

As they flutter out of The Planet, Jenny emotes: “You can help me pick out Satin Slippers and tell me more about your … experiences.” Beautiful! Perfect! Hilarious! I loathe Jenny, but I also find her very entertaining. Always have. I feel that Adele might be the catalyst to make Jenny turn around and become a bearable human again. Also I’m hoping they engage in sexual acts.

*

Nothing Like The Spa at Bliss : So let’s get back to the county jail, where all the lovely ladies are showering, including Helena, who’s obviously naked, which is not unpleasant. Then Helena drops the soap. These women who look like they probs really do eat babies for breakfast and wash it down with five raw eggs and a scoop of Spiru-Teen start walking her way.

Lesbian Squabble #5: This is Why You Should Just Use Softsoap Body Wash.
In the Ring : Helena and Jackie
Content : Helena’s innocently washing her tiny British body while Jackie rubs soap suds all over her naked flesh and snarls menacingly at Helena. When Helena drops the soap, Jackie & her girl head over, intoning: “Guess no one warned her about dropping the soap.” Here’s the thing– that soap thing is for dudes. ‘Cause then the other dudes can ram you up the ass, etc. So this is totally lame. Butwhatevs. It’s also kinda awesome, like, hardcore.

And the Winner Is … Helena! Why? Because Bunny steps in. She’s in her towel with her arms crossed like she’s about to break someone’s skull open with her shnoz. “She’s with me,” Bunny says. And Jackie, because she’s not as hot as Bunny, is like, ok, but you better keep an eye on her. Bunny’s like, conveniently enough, she’s my cellmate, and therefore she’s the only fucking person I can look at all day, but thanks for the tip!! Have a cool summer! Stay in touch!

Eve Was Weak. Eve Was Weak : Aw. Poor Helena. She’s so adorable. When Jackie tells her she’s gotta “click up” and tells her she’s a “fluff,” Helena’s like: “If someone could just explain to me what that is?” Also, p.s., Helena is still naked. Also, she’s really skinny. I mean, Helena is in desperate need of a sandwich or two. Someone get her out of there before she starves to death, get her some tea and crumpets stat.

“Really Papi? Really?” Award : “You’re a pretty girl. It’d be a shame for something to happen to that pretty face.” (Jackie)

I made my Lesbian-Who’s-Been-in-Prison, who I’ll just call “J” from now on (J is for jail!) watch this scene. She said she’d never heard the phrase “don’t drop the soap” ever before in her entire life, let alone in jail, which’s a little weird, but anyhow, she said “Yeah [redacted] saved my ass — that girl who made me like — her ‘bitch’? She seriously saved my ass, because I really would’ve gotten my ass kicked if she hadn’t like, taken me on or whatevs. Everyone else hated me.” There you have it.
*

And All The Things I Wanted, Yes, All The Things I Want, Go: This is not the best day of Tasha’s life. She tells Alice it didn’t go well with Beech — he looked at her like she was “diseased.” Alice suggests a civilian lawyer and offers to help pay, but Tasha tells her she don’t want no civilian lawyer, she just wants to keep her job. She’s not looking to overturn Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Alice doesn’t understand why Tasha wants to work for an institution that makes her deny who she is but she’s trying to understand. She really is. She’s awfully compassionate and sweet in this conversation. Supreme conflict resolution tactics, Al, and also: I’d like to eat your hair preferably with one hand on your inner thigh whenever you get a chance, thank you.

*

The Itsy Bitsy Spider Went Up The Wedding Aisle: Jenny’s late for the wedding ’cause she had to go to the GLAD factory and get that trash bag blown up just right. She barrels down the aisle with trademark diva-locity where Tina — looking pretty foxy, actually — is sitting in a fog of unenthusement. Where’s the bride? We’re hoping she’s fucking Shane, Shane’s got a special way of destroying weddings.

Jenny: I’m so sorry that I’m late.
Tina : [sarcastic] Oh, we were all waiting.
Jenny: ["the whole word revolves around me, obvs."] Oh, well, I’m sorry to make you wait.
*

*

There’s More to Life Than Love and Being Together: Madison’s freaking out about getting married, so she’s turned to Yoda. She’s probs hoping Shane’ll turn to her like in the song “I’ll turn to you” and then they can play tonsil hockey. Shane’s the best hairstylist ever, she should open her own skate shop: she can do hair, therapize and fuck her clients. Shane asks Madison if she loves her hubbie and she says she does. Shane’s gunning for the marriage, possibly thinking of Carmen in that dress with that hairstyle and wishing she’d been at the altar when Carmen showed up there, all dressed up with no one to go to …

Maybe You Woulda Been Something I’d Be Good At

Shane asks if they’ve got anything in common and Madison says they’re both adventorous and they both love to travel and ride horses.

I’ll Start To Wonder If This Was the Thing to Do: I think “loves to travel” is code for “has a lot of money and therefore can afford to travel all the time.” He’s faithful, he listens — Shane tells her this’s more than a lot of people have. Also, Shane doesn’t do relationships, so if she can get Madison to marry, then they can have an NSA affair. It’s like in Sex and the City when Samantha said married people stop having sex eventually and Charlotte’s like “That’s not true, you’ve slept with lots of married people,” and Samantha says “That’s how I know.”

Take Me By The Hand And Tell Me You Would Take me Anywhere:I think this scene is Shane reconciling what happened with Carmen. This is the hottest sister — and she clearly wants to kiss and/or fuck and/or rock the world together w/Shane (which she doesn’t think her husband can do) — but when Madison goes for the makeout, Shane gives her the fakeout. Shane tells her she’s beautiful and then, she turns and offers this: “You really — um — remind me of someone I used to know. A lot. No – no — it’s a compliment. ”

Oh, Carmen! Carmen! CARMEN!!!!

*

Foxy Brown Back in Town : Not only are the Women of Prison cajoling Kit and yelling at her, but we — most audibly Carly & I (surprise!) — are also expressing shouts of glee and amusement. We love Pam Grier. This is full-on 100% PAM GRIER. She is working that hallway like Miss Jay, fully superfly. The girls wave and Kit’s just like, clickity-clack, clickity-clack, I am Jackie Brown, fuck all of y’all. I love Kit Porter, best character ever.

Sleeping Inches From Me, I’ll Let it Pass : Helena’s all shook up following the shower show-down, and Kit’s there to give her advice, e.g., “click up” means “join a gang.” Clearly visiting Helena in jail is instant comedy gold, I hope she never gets out. Helena tells her about Dusty (Okay, yeah, her name is Dusty. We know this now. I liked “Bunny” better, but oh well. But sidenote: Really L Word really? Why are all your character names so fucking ridiculous?! Papi!?! Dusty? Max? Slim Daddy?!!?!!) and it’s easy to see Helena’s gettin’ serious frisky — she’s been ‘watching’ Dusty (there’s not a whole lot else to watch in that room, but whatevs) and tells Kit that Dusty’s got this “quiet intensity” and she’s also very strong. Kit says she sounds independent … the kind of girl who’s good to know.

*

And Across the Kitchen Table, I Fired Several Rounds, But You Were Still Sitting There When the Smoke Cleared : It’s double date time! What a perfect evening for exposition! Tasha’s not coming clean to JoBette regarding her deployment from the army. Then they spot Joyce and Phyllis. Jodi, because she has superpowers (srsly, this is like the coolest thing about being deaf I’d think, being able to read body language so acutely), says Joyce and Phylllis are breaking up.

Cait: “They’re all at the same restaurant?”
Carly : “There’s only one restaurant in all of L.A. … actually, they’re probably at The Planet, this is like the backroom, the Italian restaurant. ‘The Planet II: Italian Cuisine, Wine Bar.’”

Do You Still Want a Shot at Love with Joyce?: For a lawyer, Joyce isn’t so good at making an argument. She tells Phyllis that playing the field is pointless ’cause she’s not gonna find someone any better than Joyce. That’s really mean, Joyce. Boo. Phyllis reacts how any woman would: she drinks more.

*

Fuck and Run: Speaking of drinking … Shane’’s getting drunkity drunk drunk and it’s fucking hilarious. Shane asks if Tina sees anyone she likes. Maybe she’s hoping to pawn off one of her paramours, who continue to wink and smile in her direction. Tina offers: “This has gotta be the straightest wedding on earth. No lesbian’s ever gonna get laid here.”Har har. Shane’s like “Shit I need a drink.” This could be her 10th or 100th drink. That’s right Shane, you’re only young once, rock it. They head to the bar and run into Jenny — who says the girls can’t stop raving about how well Shane DID them! Get it?!omg. She’s like “Guess what Shane?”

We’re usually pretty right on with our predictions, but not this time. The truth is much less thrilling: Willy said Shane could do Jenny’s hair too! What a treat! Didn’t work out so well last time but uh … Jenny asks Tina about her wedding gift as a segue into introducing her larger gift and the indentured servant who picked it up for her — “limited edition kitchenaid artisan stand mixer in metallic chrome.” Adele notes: “It’s a dream appliance.” I almost want that to be the quote of the week. Almost.

Also brilliant? Jenny’s sigh & “I guess so” following Adele’s “I brought you some cake. You hungry?” followed by the “I don’t like that,” and the disgusted set-down of the fork. Tina says that Jenny’s driving her crazy, then she spots her boss and dashes, leaving Shane with Gina. Shane is drunk and lusty and it’s fucking beautiful. Shane’s “I’m finnnne” — genius. (I have these clips on mp3, trying to figure out how to make that work, who knows, it’ll be up soon.)

Not on Rex Manning Day!: This girl really wants Rex to see them together, she’s really starting to get on my nerves. Don’t do it Shane, before you know it you’ll be living with this girl in Brooklyn and her ex-boyfriend will threaten to kill you. Hypothetically. Shane says she’s gotta run to the bathroom and that Gina oughta stay put and she’ll BRB. Probs not a reliable person right now, that Shaney McShaneyShane.

*

Jodi and Bette Sitting in Chi-Chis, K-I-S-S-I-N-G : Back at The Olive Garden, Bette and Jodi are smoochin’ for no apparent reason. Oh! It’s a plot point! The kissing prompts Alice to spill the beans — Tasha’s under investigation for homosexual conduct, and maybe they should quit the PDA in case Big Brother is watching. But also, look at Jodi’s hair, for Christ’s sake. But I feel Alice here — it’s tough to keep a secret for someone on an issue to which you’re fundamentally opposed, and it’s also hard to be keeping secrets on all sides on an issue to which you’re fundamentally opposed (hiding the reason for deployment from her friends, hiding the homosexuality from Tasha’s employers). Tasha’s a little unimpressed. Jodi says she’s sorry and I almost like her for a second, too. I think I must be going crazy.Howevs, this does not change my opinion about her hair.

Carly : Hey, Jodi, so … 1982 called …
Riese : That’s not ‘82, that’s like ‘87. [to Alex:] You were two.
Alex : I was.
Riese: I know, I’m not even making fun of your age for no reason this time.
Alex: I was two.
Riese : You didn’t have any hair yet.
Alex : I had gorgeous blonde hair, actually.
*

Lesbian Squabble #6: I Thought You Said You Weren’t Going to Ask Anybody or Tell Anybody Anything, Woman!
In the Ring: Alice vs. Tasha
Content: Tasha told Alice not to tell anyone but Alice thinks she had to. Tasha said she didn’t have to do shit, she just can’t keep her mouth shut. That’s really harsh. It’s a good thing that Rose Rollins’ jawline is also harsh in that like super sexy chiseled I want your cheekbones way, or else I could never forgive her. Alice says she was trying to protect Tasha. Tasha says: “It’s my life. I determine when and if people will know.” You may remember that from the previews you watched 500 times. Tasha doesn’t wanna hear everyone’s opinions about it.

Alice: Listen, I’m just having a hard time understanding why you wanna be part of an institution that hates who you are, and I’m struggling with that, okay? But I know it’s important to you, and I’m just trying to stand here by you.”

Then they apologize to each other. Wow. Good work, guys. You both win!

*

On The Night I Die I Swear I’ll Sleep Outside Your Window: Helena tells Dusty that she likes her posters of Dorothy Dandrige and that it’s sad that DD OD’ed on anti-depressants and died young. Obvs Dusty was unawares, because she’s an uneducated homicidal maniac from the wrong side of the tracks. They like the same movies, which’s cute. It’s like a little slumber party! FUN!!! You can see Helena’s tits through her t-shirt. This is like the best porn ever. Helena starts to ask Dusty about the “she’s with me” incident but Dusty snaps that she doesn’t want anything from Helena. Helena emits adisappointed “oh.” Look at Helena’s tits! Dusty would defo hit that.

*

Not Tonight: They return to the table, their seats’ve been taken by Joyce and Phyllis. This has gotta be a super-fun night for JoBette, they’ll probs have a few fight-free days following this, because being in the presence of someone else’s catastrophe is really bonding, it’s like living through a hurricane together or being in war, like Tasha was, except she calls it “action,” which’s HOT HOT HOT. No biggie: Tasha and Alice are heading home because they wanna fuck each other. I mean, that’s not what they said, that’s just what happened in my imagination. Jodi apologizes and Tasha says “It’s okay, you didn’t do anything.” That’s Passive-Aggressive for “It’s Alice’s fault.”

Awkward, Party of Two : Joyce is getting a little ridic and making everyone squirm when she brags — “This one over here can’t wait to get between the sheets. I told her we need to spend more time with other people. You know — spread the love!” Right-o. Phyllis is actually REALLY interested in spending time with other people, p.s. When Joyce gets Phyllis another drink, Phyllis asks Bette to “HELP ME!” Phyllis is lesbian handicapped. She can’t do anything without council. But clearly this is a nod to Alice asking Bette to help her get away from Phyllis in Season Four. What goes around comes around.

*

This is SOOOO Blog-Worthy!: “That’s so sweet I think I might puke,” Tina says. Adele says she thinks it’s wonderful that a man who spent his whole life plundering for wealth is going to change the world through art. On that note, Tina is busting this pop stand.

Who Wants the Funk, Give Up That Funk: Bette and Jodi are having the sleepover fight! The sleepoverrrr fight! I love this one. Actually … I don’t, that’s why “girls who live with their parents and therefore will always stay at my place” is my “type.” I like to sleep in my own bed, ’cause it’s the most comfortable bed on earth. Anyhow! Um, I’ll let these screencaps speak for themselves, since obvs Jodi won’t be speaking for them. (JK! Love deaf people! Also JKing about only dating people who live w/their parents.)

When they exit the restaurant, Bette gives Phyllis the same advice she gave Alice (re: Phyllis) in one of Season Four’s Greatest Episodes EVER, “Luck be a Lady.” For that episode, I asked everyone to vote for their quote of the week and this came in second, but I really liked it. Phyllis tells Bette she already broke up with Joyce (just like Bette said to Alice about Phyllis last year):

QUOTE OF THE WEEK : “Do it again, Phyllis. Some lesbians; you have to break up with them more than once.”
*

Don’t You Worry There’s Still Time: Madison just wants to say goodnight, ’cause they’re about to go on their honeymoon. She thanks Shane for everything. Before Shane can chase after her and make love to her like she’s never been loved before, Gina comes up to Shane and says she wants Rex to see them together. Gina: That issooooo tacky and disrespectful to Shane. Lesbians are not purses!

L is For Lame!

*

Three’s a Crowd: Then Abigail interrupts to make Gina go get champagne and tells Shane to meet her downstairs, she’s got a surprise for her. They’re all like, thinking Shane’ll just bust off with them whenevs, she’s a busy girl. Come on!

*

I Wake Up Exhausted, It’s Not Morning: Dusty is having a nightmare. Or a wet dream. It’s hard to tell. (Also we suggest it could be Restless Leg Syndrome so we can make fun of Carly.) How come Dusty gets sheets? Helena doesn’t have sheets. Helena hops down to see if she’s okay, she’s like a Girl Scout or something. Dusty wakes up and grabs Helena like she’s gonna kill her. Helena’s like “Are you okay?” and then … SHE KISSES HER!!!!

Lesbian Sexy Moment #7: Just Wanna Be Bad
The Players: Helena and Dusty
The Pick Up: Are you okay?
Hot or Not?: Oh … half-asleep sex … how I love thee … you’re sober and silent and sleeping and groggy and then you’re in the part of waking where you’re not doing anything on purpose, all reaction — the hand (accidental?) firmer (she’s awake) …. the hesitation (omg, my breath is probs rancid) the giving in anyhow (whatevs, so is hers, this could still be a dream, right?), the climb towards waking up and coming commence all at once and together the same … Hot. Also I am a big fan of being pushed up against the wall. So — HOT.

So now that Helena knows she’s not a murderer, she can orgasm … and she does.

*

More For Me : The “mistress” has sent Shane a note on a tray. That’s what rich people do you guys, they send notes on trays. (wtf?) Shane smells it, I’m not sure why, probs it smells like pussy. Anyhow, Jenny and Adele are waiting in line at the coat check (I think?) discussing how William is so grateful to be involved in the movie as it’ll redeem all these “terrible things” he’s done for money. Jenny is TOTALLY the best person to speak on the topic of doing terrible things for money. And yeah, Inconceivable, producing a Jenny Schecter film that essentially exploits lesbians and ruins the lives of all her friends will defo redeem him. One-way road to the kingdom of heaven heaven! Up up and AWAY! Free pass! The angels are waiting Jenny, go and get ‘em.

SURPRISE! Jenny asks Adele to be her assistant. Adele is thrilled, best day of her life. I hope this isn’t gonna be like that girl who moved in with Kelly Taylor and then took her haircut and then tried to kill her.

Get Yourself on Top Of Me Before I’m Gone, Gone, Gone : Shane goes upstairs to Cherie Jaffee — I mean — Isabelle. Isabelle’s got her leg up on the desk and a drink in her hand. She asks Shane if she’d like a drink. Shane thinks she’d better. have one, yeah. There seems to be this thing with rich ladies who can buy anything they want and just want to have sex with a girl. On this show. You know, you can buy that, too. Just sayin’ …

Lesbian Sexy Moment #8: I Want So Many Things. But In Terms of What You Can Do For Me?
The Players: Shane and Isabelle.
The Pick Up: “Good, you know Shane, I wanna let you in on a little secret. There’s not a lot I haven’t experienced. I can go anywhere I want, buy anything I want, and it’s starting to wear a little bit thin … I want you to take me somewhere I’ve never been.”
Hot or Not?: Only because I’m still thinking about Cherie Jaffe.

Back in the hallway, Gina and Abigail can hear the lovely sounds of their mother orgasming, which, judging by dear Inconceivable, I’m guessing is a sound they haven’t heard since the 80’s. They protest: “Get away from her, you cow, she’s mine!” Mom barks back: “Shane needs a woman who can take her places she’s never been before, not some little twerp who barely knows how to tongue kiss!” I’ve got no clue how Mom knows her daughter can barely tongue kiss, but I’m willing to suspend my disbelief because that line was fucking awesome.

Runaway Bridesmaids : This is amazing, this is the best show I’ve ever seen in my life. Shane dashes, her pants are falling off, she’s putting on her shirt, she can’t find the keys, then Jenny speeds by and she hops in to the getaway car. Hope there was nothing valuable in those body bags.

Alex: That would never happen.
Riese: Yeah it does!
Alex: Okay, it happens, but not to me.
Riese: It could totally happen to you, 85. We can make it happen.

Despite all that whining and moaning, when the show ended, we were all genuinely disappointed. Why? Because we actually wanted more show. We want more show. We like this show! We like this show? This is gonna be one of those things where everyone else hates the episode except me probs. Like when I thought that basketball episode was the funniest thing I’d ever seen in my life and no one else liked it. Sigh-o-Rama. Here’s the thing — it was like Season One. A good solid television show, with a bunch of girls in mediocre outfits interacting with each other and being friends and sometimes lovers. At times over-the-top — this is television, after all. There was nothing in Season One that made me want to stick sporks in my eyes or in Ilene Chaiken’s eyes (note to IC:tenderly obvs, like I wouldn’t blind you for life, just temporarily, like S&M). No Frontierland forest scenes with dead people appearing as mirages over waterfalls, no $6,000 designer jeans, no dog-killing, no Dana with the conehead, no meditation retreats, no Henry clipping his toenails, no Papi wearing Michael’s Craft Store hats and big hoop earrings, no BETTY, no Angus fucking the nanny when there hasn’t been one lesbian sex scene all season long, no Shane leaving Carmen at the altar, no Alice making a Dana shrine, no Jenny publishing a story in The New Yorker. The only ridiculous things about this episode were the storylines continued from prior, less acceptable episodes: e.g., Jenny’s movie. However, seriously, Jodi, your phone is blowin’ UP with all the decades calling for that hairstyle back. Girl. Really. Really Jodi really? ‘Til next week …