This episode begins with Jesus following Marianna into her room and calling her a tattletale!
Digression 1: Just yesterday, my son called my daughter “tattletale” but thankfully his crime was accessing Netflix on his iTouch without permission and not about teen sex. This is real life, people!
Jesus calls Marianna out about being awful with the whole Jesus/Lexi thing. If we give them a shipper name, it has to be Jesexi, pronounced “Hey sexy!” Stef has just gotten out of a shower and is shiny and steamy and brushing her hair in the mirror when she hears Jesus and Marianna arguing and she yells, “Oh my god! I can’t even take a shower in peace!”
I’m sorry – that was actually me this morning. Stef is nicer than me and tells them they are family and they are going to have to get along. Jesus says he can’t get along with Marianna because she’s a “monster.” Drama king. He storms out and Stef tells Marianna that she brought all this on herself but what Marianna hears is, “Jesus is right and you are wrong and I love him more and he has better hair!”
Meanwhile, Lena tells Callie that she heard Callie isn’t actively participating in her group therapy sessions which are mandated. Callie asks for another group and Lena says she’ll see what she can do. Callie goes into the kitchen where Brandon is sulking in his cereal. At least, he’s not crying over spilled milk.
Digression 2: He uses milk from a ½ gallon. I find it hard to believe that a family of 7 buys milk by the ½ gallon. What lesbian family would waste that much plastic?
Brandon is pouting and Callie asks if he’s mad at her and he says, “You got my sister drunk blah blah blah” and Callie explains and he apologizes and I am still thinking about the milk.
Marianna is at the beach with Ana, leaning against some giant boulders as you do. Ana is singing a kids’ song in Spanish and Marianna seems to find it sweet but I think Ana seems drunk or high. Kids’ songs can be fun but not that fun.
Digression 3: Once, my daughter was singing Mr. Golden Sun and instead of singing “please shine down on me”, she sang “please go down on me” and that is the only time I laughed as hard as Ana does in this scene.
Ana tells Marianna that she has been clean for a week and she wants to stay clean but she needs money for rehab. Marianna tells her she doesn’t have any more cash and Ana suggests that she take something the Foster’s aren’t using and give it to Ana to sell. Marianna is hesitant until Ana says, “We’re family and family takes care of family.” I hope Marianna brings her a ½ gallon of milk to sell. White gold. Texas tea. Wait – wrong show.
At Anchor Beach School for Wayward Surfers, Wyatt is telling Callie he had a dirty dream about her and I don’t think he means they were making mud pies. He was so moved by this dirty dream that he wanted to look at all of her Instagram pictures again so he could make more mud pies but found she’d made her account private. He then asks her about the comment from Liam. The Liam Cat is out of the bag!
Jesus runs into Kelsey the Skittle Addict and asks if she’s seen Lexi. Shockingly, she is mean. She needs attitude rehab since the chemical dependency treatment didn’t work.
Jude is in class and the teacher assigns a project that requires working in pairs and as people start choosing partners and I start to worry no one will pick Jude and then I have flashbacks to being picked last in dodge ball and, as I begin to hyperventilate, Connor of the Blue Nail Polish asks to be Jude’s partner and we all relax. Connor asks to go to Jude’s house and says, “My mom doesn’t like it when kids come over, says it gives her migraines.” I file that away as a future excuse because it sounds much better than, “Um…I don’t know honey…let’s plan something sometime…yeah…we’ll figure that out…”
Jesus ditches school to go to a cute little row house on Sesame Street. He knocks on a cheerful blue door and I expect Cookie Monster to answer and am disappointed when Lexi answers and they start making out on the front stoop. I yell at Lexi that this is a bad idea given the circumstances with her parents, but she doesn’t care because Jesus just ate a pack of Mentos and she drank a pop and she wants to see if they’ll explode. When they pry themselves apart, Lexi tells Jesus that her parents took her computer and phone and locked her away in Cookie Monster’s tower where she has to spin gold.
Back at the school of Sun and Surf, Lena sees the Riveras leaving the school and she looks nervous. She walks into her office and the boss lady is lurking in there and tells her that the Riveras are pulling Lexi out of school. The boss tells Lena that school officials are not supposed to give aspirin without parental permission so giving Lexi the morning after pill was not good and now they all have headaches but no one can give them aspirins. The unborn chickens are coming home to roost!
Callie is waiting outside school for Wyatt when Liam drives up in his Big Jeep of Anger and jumps out and yells at Callie that he warned her and tells her Wyatt left a comment on Instagram and she tries to walk away but he grabs her arm and she squeaks and none of the surfer bystanders notice. Slackers. Then, Wyatt comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Liam and then Brandon hears the fight and runs over and pulls Wyatt off of Liam and holds him back but in a gentle way and I pretend briefly they are lovers. What a cute couple! Liam storms off. Callie yells at Wyatt that he made things worse. I consider making my Instagram private.
Callie and Brandon walk home together and she explains that Liam was her foster brother. Brandon asks how old Liam is and she says 21 and we know Callie is 15 and we can actually see Brandon’s musical brain straining as he tries to make the math. Eventually, he concludes that Liam’s behavior was “not cool.” That’s right, Brandon. One man’s “not cool” is another man’s “statutory rape.” Turns out that Callie is worried about Sarah.
The Great Lesbian Kitchen isn’t so great right now because Lena and Stef are home from work and fighting about Lexi and the pill. Lena explains that she could lose her job and Stef is all, “Pfft. Halibut or chimichangas?” Lena says, “Everything you do comes back on me.” But Stef doesn’t back down and says she did the right thing. Jude interrupts and asks if Connor can come over to work on a project and they say something like “Of course, sweet potato” and then offer him a snack but he doesn’t want one because he’s not a real boy. He’s like a snack-hating Pinocchio.
Later that night, Lena and Stef are getting ready for bed which means angrily tossing pillows off the bed (Lena) and nonchalantly brushing teeth (Stef). Stef says they shouldn’t go to bed mad but Lena rolls away and seethes.
Digression 4: I’m sure Lena didn’t seethe silently either. When I seethe at bedtime, I do it loudly so that my partner can’t forget that I’m mad. We’ve been together 20 years and this is the key to our success. (Please note: Don’t try this at home. This recapper is a trained seething professional. Results may vary.)
The next morning, the doorbell rings and Stef answers it to find the pizza delivery guy! Pizza for breakfast is always good. I kid. It’s the Riveras and Lexi is missing! She ran away!
Digression 5: I actually got teary during this scene. I was sad for Lexi and sad for the parents and maybe a little sad for me because I had espresso late yesterday and then stayed up too late watching Orange Is the New Black.
Stef suggests filing a police report but Sonja and Ernie want to look for Lexi first. So, Stef and Ernie head out to look and Sonja and Lena stay home to make calls.
Brandon tells Callie she should call Bill and I think Kill Bill and then my brain fills with images of pretty ladies doing badass things and Brandon bores me. She tells him that she can’t because it would be her word against Liam’s and it would go on her record anyway and she would be labeled “sexually volatile” and I don’t think that is a Mentos and soda thing and she would go to a group home and never be fostered again. Brandon says, “That’s crazy though.” and Callie says, “It’s the system.” After this past week, that seems to be a sad, universal truth.
Stef and Ernie are driving around looking for Lexi and Ernie tells Stef that Sonja is stubborn and that they were not in agreement about pulling Lexi from school. Sonja wanted to send her back to Honduras where they are from and boarding school was a compromise.
Sonja and Lena are talking about sex, baby. Lena says they didn’t condone Jesus and Lexi having sex but says they taught their kids about birth control and safe sex. Sonja says that is the same as condoning it. Lena believes teenagers will have sex and Sonja says she put the idea in their heads. Lena says that they see things differently but they shouldn’t have given Lexi the pill.
Digression 6: 1) We talk to our kids about sex and always have. If they have questions, they can ask. Is this a queer thing? 2) This conversation felt natural and emotionally true which is what I felt was missing in the religious conversation last week.
The doorbell rings and it’s Connor. Lena invites him in and calls Jude down and Connor says, “Hey Jude” and Lena says, “Ah! The Beatles!” and I say, “YES! YOU FINALLY MADE THE BEATLES JOKE!”
Marianna is not on Sesame Street unless Oscar runs the neighborhood. She looks in the window of an abandoned house and then goes inside and then she yells, “I brought the stuff.” She opens the door to a room and…it’s Lexi! Yes, they fooled me – I really thought she was bringing heirloom lesbian teacups to Ana to sell but she’s bringing candles to Lexi. I like this much better because I was not emotionally prepared for a drug den. Lexi thinks the place is gross which shows that Lexi has excellent taste in hideouts and has eyes and a keen sense of smell. Turns out that Lexi turned to Marianna for help and she sent her to Wyatt’s old house. They sit on a nasty spray painted couch and talk about their feelings and look lovingly at each other and Marianna talks about Ana and says that Ana’s quote about family was “screwed up” so she has some perspective.
Connor and Jude are in Jude’s room and Connor is holding up a football jersey and talks about Tomlinson and Jude’s favorite player and Jude hears, “Blah blah sports blah blah” while he sits on his bed with his big bag from the craft store. He admits the jersey is Jesus’. Then, Connor asks about the skateboard and Jude tells him that almost everything in the room is Jesus’ except for a tiny backpack of things.
Marianna and Lexi are having a teenage trashed house photoshoot at the hideout and – again – I worry about photostream. But maybe I should want them to get caught. I’m so conflicted. Then, Marianna asks Lexi what it was like to have sex and Lexi says that everyone always says it’s awful but “It was sorta great and sorta awful.” Jesus was gentle and that’s a little more than Marianna wants to know. So, she gets up to leave and Lexi thanks her and Marianna says, “We may not have the best accommodations but you’re always welcome at Hotel Marianna.” I hope it’s not like Hotel California because I hear that place is a nightmare.
Meanwhile, Brandon and Callie are sitting in an unmarked car playing Fun with Stakeouts but they’re not even doing it right because they don’t have snacks and a thermos full of coffee.
Digression 7: I was an Adult Protection investigator for 15 years and sometimes I had a hard time finding my clients and/or alleged perpetrators so I would have to sit in my car and wait for them to show up. I usually brought coffee but no snacks and I tweeted and talked to Siri while I waited. I give good stakeout.
Sarah appears and Callie runs over to her and tries to warn her about Liam but Sarah is not having it.
Connor and Jude are making a model of DNA or a stepladder for fairies out of pipe cleaners and Jude says, “Can I show you something?” and his delivery is weird so I immediately think it’s something horrible like a horse head or a different kind of head but no – it’s a knife that belonged to his father. Then, he makes up an elaborate story about his dad making millions and running away to an island because he has a better travel agent than Lexi. Connor tells him he doesn’t have to lie and I like that boy Connor.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Stef is telling the Riveras that it’s time to make a police report but they don’t want to because they are undocumented. That certainly does complicate things.
Jesus is sitting on the porch when Marianna gets back from the hideout and he tells her the Riveras are still there. He says, “They’re about to file a police report.” And Marianna says, “Why?” Just when I warm up to her, she makes me regret it. Jesus must explain it to her because she takes him to see Lexi. Jesus tells Lexi she has to go back and Marianna says, “Your parents are undocumented.” Jesus says, “And there’s something else…you have a twin and she is dying and needs a transplant!” Not really. He just says “And there’s something else” dramatically before Marianna tells her that she is undocumented too.
It’s group therapy time! People share and then the counselor looks expectantly at Callie and Callie starts telling her story about Liam and Sarah runs out and Callie runs out after her and I run out of coffee. Outside, Sarah tells Callie that people won’t believe her and it will only go on her record and then darts away. Brandon comes over and tells Callie that she tried and says about Sarah, “It’s her choice.” Callie says, “It wasn’t mine.” She then describes Liam coming into her room and raping her. She says, “I always thought it was my fault. But it wasn’t my choice and it wasn’t my fault.” That’s a great message.
Back in the Great Lesbian Kitchen, the Fosters are serving the Riveras Great Lesbian Hummus as is the custom of our people. The door opens and Lexi, Jesus and Marianna walk in and Lexi is crabby and tells her parents that she will call immigration herself if they try to send her away. That’s such a great idea! Then you can all get sent away together! Jude and Connor come downstairs and Stef offers to walk Connor out but Jude says he’ll walk him out.
Digression 8: Is this stilted acting on Jude’s part or are they going to make him ashamed of other people knowing that his foster moms are lady lovers?
Connor offers Jude his little game console to keep.
Digression 9: Yes, I am 100 years old and don’t recognize that gadget. My kids have iTouches and DS’s so please forgive my ignorance.
Jude says he can’t keep it but Connor insists and then Connor’s mom honks and I can’t believe she didn’t come to the door and meet her son’s friend and parents. Shame on you Connor’s Mom – even if kids do give you migraines!
Jesus goes into Marianna’s room and they have a sweet scene and make peace with each other. After he leaves, Marianna gets a text from Ana asking about the “rehab money” and Marianna ignores it.
Downstairs, Lena and Stef are getting comfortable on the couch with a bottle of wine and Stef puts her feet up on Lena’s lap and they are making peace as well and I would love to find them cute but Stef has really ugly feet! You know I love her but I just wanted to put some socks on those feet so that I could enjoy the cuteness. They are tired and messy (Lena and Stef, not Stef’s feet) and ready to relax which means that something else will happen. Brandon and Callie walk in and Callie tells them that she has to talk to them and she sits down and starts telling her story and, because Stef sits up and her feet are no longer visible, I can truly appreciate what this moment means to all the characters.
Overall impression: I thought the issues were handled better than in the last episode.
Favorite line: Not a lot to choose from this week so I’m going with “We may not have the best accommodations but you’re always welcome at Hotel Marianna.”
Really? Did they have to do that?: I’m still not sure they aren’t going to the Brandon Callie place. Also, it felt like the Riveras legal status was another drama for drama’s sake situation. Thoughts?