“The thought of being in the middle of the pack always worried me….Even when I took first prize, topped the class, won the race, I never really won anything. I was merely avoiding the embarrassment of losing. When ability is matched by expectations, then anything less than an exceptional result was laziness. And laziness in my opinion was shameful.”

.etc…

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I know that she is doing better, and she has a better control over herself when it comes to her food. She stagnated her focus from food and on her horses [and other various activities]. Her being vegan seems like a completely different note than with her having ED because I’m pretty sure that Ellen is either vegetarian or vegan as well. Being vegetarian or vegan is/should be completely on the person’s belief or choice of health.

The important thing is take your energy and direct towards something you like whether or not you’re good/bad at it. It’s so that you have less space to worry about ED, depression or any other disorder.

I’m not saying that one should push aside their problems, but it helps to subdue it until that person is ready to confront it.

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Part of me feels I understand though because I went through an intense depression about 8 years ago and I know how easy it is for the mind to warp, but for me, when I dealt with the issues and began changing my life, the depression went away. I still have the blues occasionally, but I have not gone that deep into a depression ever since and I know I never will because I’ve had lots of very stressful situations that should have landed me that deep again but have not.

With that in mind, it is hard for me to understand the idea of triggering that happens in EDs because I feel like I’m “cured” and no longer triggered into some of the stupid behaviours I took up at that time. I feel like my depression made me stronger and it was like a rainstorm I got through and while life has clouds occasionally now, I’m not as reactive to those clouds, if that makes sense.

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And yeah, the recovery bit was a bit of a cop-out. When people ask me how I “got over it” when I struggled with EDs, I sort of wanted to say, “I’ve got nothing for ya.” Like Portia, as soon as I stopped counting and obsessing and just ate what I wanted, I re-discovered that I have a really fucking fast metabolism and I stayed looking pretty much the same ever since. It seemed like that’s what happened to her and though I recognize that this is a psychological disorder, I imagine that “I stopped having an ED but luckily I’m naturally skinny and beautiful! And i ride horses with Ellen!” didn’t do anyone any favors.

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1. 90% of the book is about how sick she was – only in the epilogue does she talk about recovery, in a very cursory way. I think by now we all have a generally idea of what anorexia looks like, the more complicated and tougher question to how to move past it. I mean, Intuitive Eating gets one measly paragraph? Also kind of irked me when she said basically riding horses and Ellen saved her – what hope does that give the rest of us?

2.The endless recitation of weights reached and calories restricted and even photographic evidence – I am concerned that many people who haven’t reached those lows will conclude that they aren’t “sick enough” to warrant treatment – or it will simply give them new goals to strive for. Anorexics (myself included, I’m in reocery ) are notorious for comparisons and for wanting to be the best at everything, including and especially starving. She also gives a lot of “how-to” details – I would never buy this book for an actively eating-disordered friend.

3. The fact that she keeps using the insanely loaded term “fat” to describe the 168 pounds she reached in treatment. I mean, she uses this word even in her Epilogue, in her “current” voice (vs the voice of the eating disorder). My heart goes out to every girl who is in that weight range who read that word, over and over, then went to the bathroom to ram their fingers down their throat.

4. Not too wild about her plug for veganism, only because her eating disordered readers already have enough reasons to fear and avoid food, screaming 24/7 in their heads. Also the reason she gives not to drink milk is that milk is used to increase the weight of calves. So the con is that it supports weight gain? Isn’t that an example of eating disorder thinking?

All that being said, yes obviously it’s a highly readable book, I couldn’t put it down. But I just feel a bit annoyed and disappointed by her whole treatment of the subject. She never seemed to rise above the personal details to acknowledge that she has a major responsibility to treat the subject in a way that is going to help her readers, not trigger them. That is going to help more people get treatment, not make their illness seem trivial in comparison.

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I can’t take it back, can I? I suppose I can’t be forgiven for what I wrote/though? I put it out there, but now I regret it.

Sorry Portia; after thinking through what I wrote, I think I *may* understand your side a little better now. Thank you for being honest and candid about your personal struggles; hopefully others will be brave enough to do the same IN ORDER TO HELP OTHERS.

Once again, thanks Portia and Ellen.

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Throughouth the interview, I felt like Portia was such a whiny person, just complaining about her issues instead of trying to work through them. I have struggled with dysthymia in the past, so I KNOW how it is to deal with things for years and let them “fester” as she was saying…how you have to deal with things or they manifest themselves more bigger later in one’s life.

Having said that…

I dunno…I feel like Ellen was the strong one and should be the one to be highlighted and exonerated due to her personal past instead of Portia. But I was watching the Ellen show, and Portia is her wife, and Ellen really loves Portia, so there is a little bias there, and I totally understand that. That makes Ellen so cool; how strongly she loves and gives and is generous and all that; there was nothing original about what Portia said…SOOOOOO many models have struggled with ED’s before her…ELLEN had struggled with coming out of the closet and losing her career nearly a decade before hers even started, so why is she so whiny now, all of a sudden? I guess ’cause she is just now coming to terms with everything? I just wanted to say, “Get over yourself and move aside for someone who has something to say to help others…FOR REAL.”

I am so not hollywood, though, so I suppose I just don’t understand it all. Maybe that is part of the sickness; Portia doesn’t understand how truly beautiful she looks to us normal folk and so when she complains about having an ED we just wanna be like, “SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!”

What do others think?

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