Super Gay Things, Coming Soon To A Silver Screen Near You

I have been known to watch literally anything if it involves lesbians, which is either an incredible strength or an incredible weakness, depending on who you ask. Luckily for me, there are films coming to the big screen very soon that straight up feature lesbians. Cue excitement.

Passion

First up is Passion, a film by Brian de Palma that stars Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace (who I mistyped as Roomi Napace three times in a row in the process of writing this article) being seductive and evil to each other. When I saw the trailer, I had a hunch that the film was based on the French Crime d’Amour, and further investigation has revealed that my hunch was spot on. The original has Kristin Scott Thomas corrupting Ludivine Sagnier in corporate lesbianish ways that are simultaneously arousing and disturbing. I wish that “simultaneously arousing and disturbing” wasn’t a phrase I often employ to describe lesbian characters in films, but that Crazy Potentially Murderous Lesbian trope just does not seem to die. Black Swan, anyone? As incredibly frustrating as it is to only see lesbians on film when they are having sex with men or plotting to seduce and kill straight girls, I stubbornly stand by my ridiculous rule of “if there are lesbians, I will watch it.” So despite the fact that I morally object to the constant alignment of lesbianism with mental defect, I will probably still be throwing money at Passion. 

According to IMDB, Rachel McAdams plays Noomi Rapace’s boss, and things get dicey when McAdams steals Rapace’s ideas. By dicey, I mean that I’m 99% sure that clip from the trailer is Lisbeth Salander going down on Regina George. The plot follows the protege exacting her revenge on her mentor, possibly with the use of evil scissoring. The comment on the trailer by user Tim Stephen is the plot I’d really like to see, though:

“Regina George post-highschool. After she got hit by that bus, she dwindled into mental instability, growing more and more violent, until even the female lacrosse team wasn’t enough to channel her anger. She now feeds her psychotic rage by fulfilling her hunger for power as she rises up the corporate ladder, and preying on attractive lesbians, because of her eternal grudge against lesbo Janice Ian, who she blames for her unhappiness & is her ultimate target in the end. Freaky shit, right?”

Jack and Diane

Girl meets girl. Girl falls in love with girl. Girl’s parents object to girl-on-girl loving. Girl has to beat the odds to stay with girl. Girl becomes…werewolf? This is definitely not a film based on John Mellencamp’s hit “Jack and Diane,” which is what I had mentally prepared myself for before watching the previews.

I will admit I covered my eyes for most of this trailer because I have really awful trichophobia and that disembodied hair was on some Cindy Sherman shit, but a little Internet snooping has informed me that there is definitely a werewolf in this film. It’s also a coming of age story AND a love story AND Kylie Minogue plays a lesbian cougar. A lesbian cougar. Played by Kylie Minogue.  Just saying. Also, not that I’m keeping track or anything, but Juno Temple has played a probably-lesbian character in THREE films now. This is your cue to go see Crackswhere Eva Green plays, surprise!, a mentally disturbed murderous teacher who has lesbianish things with her students. Yes, I threw money at that one, too, but Eva Green fits four of my six characteristics for ideal type (curvy, femme with a kinky side, English is second language/has accent, brunette) so whatever.

Farewell, My Queen

Marie Antoinette as a lesbian with lesbian feelings! Is this historically accurate? Probably not. Do I care? Absolutely not.

Diane Kruger plays every hipster’s favorite royal, and Lea Seydoux is the lady-in-waiting who would give the queen anything she wants, even… dun dun dun, herself. I have a massive historical boner for all things rococo aesthetic, so I’m going to sit in the theatre drooling regardless of whether or not any ladies take the forty five minutes required to undress their layers of gownage. Film critics, have already received the film with glowing applause, so that is a very good sign. I have a feeling that I will probably cry at some point during this film. I’m also cheered up by the fact that nothing seems particularly problematic and no one looks too crazy or murderous – besides the angry mob who will inevitably be decapitating Marie Antoinette.

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Hard-lovin' butch made of tears, sweat, and spit, in that order. Professional lonesome polecat. Kate is living proof that you can take the hillperson out of the mountains, but she's still probably going to run back to the mountains anyway. Kate prefers the trashy to the classy, and the tender to everything else. Full-time writer, part-time lover. Heart got so big and soggy that she had to cut off all her sleeves.

Kate has written 122 articles for us.

45 Comments

  1. Thumb up 10

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    Hopefully Farewell, My Queen starts a new trend of movies about historically important women being secret lesbians, as a Joan of Arc movie practically writes itself.

    Ps. hopefully some lovely lesbian will post the cute parts of Jack & Diane on youtube, as I cringed right through that trailer.

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      Exactly my thought! But I still regret seeing her in Prometheus. Even thought she was awesome as usual, this movie was just too much for my poor and fast-fearing heart. No more horror movies I say. But she just keeps on choosing them….

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    I will watch all of these – possibly multiple times.

    I have 20-30 “lesbian movies” on my computer, and a few are real shit fests, but no doubt each and every one was a labor of love and devotion to get made and I’ve never turned one off or trashed one online.

    so much progress in just the last few years. a Joan of Arc movie would kick ass.

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    “ideal type (curvy, femme with a kinky side, English is second language/has accent, brunette)”

    … How’re *you* doing? ;)
    (seriously though. Everyone has an accent, especially English-speaking denizens. :p)

    As for Passions: EEEEE i have SUCH a thing for mentor/protege dynamics. Gotta see this movie.

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    Marie Antoinette possibly being a lesbian is NOT a new, made-up thing!!! Her romantic interest in Farewell, My Queen is based on the real Duchesse de Polignac, who was indeed Marie Antoinette’s “favorite” at court and who she promoted for no apparent reason because she wanted to hang out with her. Her close relationship with the Duchesse actually caused a lot of drama at Versailles, and the two of them were close enough that there were anonymously written pornographic pamphlets about Marie Antoinette’s lesbian affair with the Duchesse.

    So. It’s entirely possible that Marie Antoinette liked the ladies.

    Also, Farewell, My Queen is GORGEOUS (the COSTUMES!!!) and REALLY good and definitely made me cry, but in that one-tear-at-a-time, silent kind of way. You kind of leave the movie feeling like you’ve used up all of your emotions for the day. Or at least I did.

    tl;dr GO SEE FAREWELL, MY QUEEN!!!!

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      Also, this movie has the same sort of impending doom feel as Titanic, in that the whole time you’re getting to know and like these characters, you know that something terrible is going to happen to them. There is so much depressing dramatic irony.

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        Thanks for the background info on the rumors of the Queen.

        I use to feel bad for Marie when learning about the french revolution cause cutting of the heads of all the royal family was unnecessary. What made it worse was that the other countries encouraged this nonsense at first. Reminds me of the story of Anne Boleyn, the girls who get married off for money & power only to die because of it.

        I’m looking forward to this movie and the Titanic is a great analogy, that’s how I also felt watching The Tudors & Spartacus.

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    Omgggg your ideal type is my ideal type too! Just…so much sexiness. Can I add intelligence and/or glasses to that list? : D

    And the movies all look fantastic, thanks for sharing! I may actually go see a movie.

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    You Guys! Haven’t seen any of these, but would like to….BUT I just finally saw Albert Nobbs on Netflix instant. IT WAS SO GOOD.
    It was an amazing meditation on genderqueer feelings. I’m probably the only one who hasn’t seen it ’till now, but I was so pleasantly surprised.

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    Oh, Crime d’Amour! Excellent, sexy, and very psychological and French. In order to see that, I had to feign ignorance of the lesbian part of the plot line to get someone to come see it with me, but it was worth the little bit of deception, because I got to enjoy two whole hours of Ludivine Saignier in front of my face.

    Farewall my Queen looks good too. Judging by the comments, there should be a lot of emotions involved, and celluloid lesbians having emotions is a great thing.

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    This is weird because yesterday I watched ‘the vow’ and I thought that Rachel mcadams was adorable and it’d be cool if she played a lesbian role, and today I see this. Definitely will watch all three of these.

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