by riese & crystal
Hi, welcome to the recap of Skins, which was not about Naomi or Emily today. Instead it was about JJ, who is tied with Aiden from South of Nowhere for the biggest-lesbian-in-the-body-of-a-straight-male award.
Once again, we’d like to thank the good people of SkinsFTW, because we snagged some of their graphics again because they are so much better than ours. You can download the episodes there if you wanna.
Episode 406: JJ
I’ll Take You To The Candy Shop
If you’re of the opinion that the Skins kids are all lazy delinquents who spend their days smoking MDMA and screwing chicks in the woods, you’d be forgiven but also mistaken. JJ’s a working man. He’s got himself a job at a candy store called Hancocks, which is a dream job for anyone who happens to be smoking the evil weed, which JJ is not.
One thing I really like about Skins is that it is very colorful.
I Said a Hip Hip Hop the Hippie to the Hippie
It’s really the perfect job for JJ ’cause he’s a total sweetheart who flirts with old ladies buying boiled heart-shaped candy for their gentleman callers.
Captain’s Log: JJ is Still Staring At Me
It’s also perfect for JJ because Hancocks is where his dream woman works. Her name is Lara. Lara doesn’t know JJ’s name, but everyone thinks JJ should go for it anyway. Her little booth and sullen personality reminds me of Zooey Deschenel as Cheryl in The Good Girl.
Attention Shoppers, There’s a Retail Rodeo Special
“As a girl, you see the world as a giant candy store. But one day you look around and all you see is a giant prison.” (Justine, The Good Girl)
Anyhow back to SKINS. JJ likes this girl.
Elderly customer: Hang in there JJ. My brother was in love with a girl during the war, and by the time he got up the courage to ask her out it was too late.
JJ: What happened?
Elderly customer: His face got blown up by a bomb.
Bam! No War for Oil!
We’re introduced to the Jones Family Routine.
1. JJ’s mother picks JJ up from work, and they have a mum and son sing-a-long to rap music that contains violence, graphic sexuality and racist themes. No wonder JJ has so much anxiety.
Rollin’ With my Mummies
2. Over dinner, Mrs. Jones quizzes JJ about the space-time continuum and Einstein’s theory of relativity while Mr Jones reads the paper. This is what Riese’s parents did to her as a child except with state capitals. Now she writes TV recaps. You do the math. Well, if you passed math.
3. In bed, JJ lies in bed half-naked with his ukulele and records his diary entry, no doubt an instruction from his shrink. He calls it his “Captain’s Log” which reminds Crystal of Avatar except Skins is so much better than Avatar. It reminds Riese of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which, like Skins, was good.
Out of this World
Today, JJ is musing over his failure to make contact with “alien life forms,” and by that he means Lara. He’s probs not going to score if he continues comparing women to aliens, though that did work for Captain Picard. Anyhow, he decides he’ll speak to Lara tomorrow if she smiles at him. Good plan, they’ll be feeling each other up in no time.
Lara & The Bicycle She Lost Her Virginity To
JJ and Thomas, who also works at Hancocks, are fooling around on trolleys in the parking lot. Lara rides by on a bicycle and says “hello AJ,” which must sting; I think having your dream girl mess up your name is probably worse than her not knowing it at all.
Thomas: You’ve got to ask her out, cuz.
JJ: But.. but…
Thomas: Yeah, but she’s out of your league.
JJ: I mean, yes but…
Thomas: But you’ve only slept with one girl, and this person was a lesbian who felt sorry for you.
JJ: No! I mean, yes, but..
Thomas: But you have no hair on your balls.
Who Can Take a Nutsack, and Sparkle it With Rhyme?
Thomas yells that he does have hairy balls, which he should probably take care of if he wants any more lesbians to give him beejers. He creeps out all the kids outside who’ve probs already been told to beware of the candyman. That’s how people end up on SVU. Well, or being an angry militant sexually aggressive lesbian-cum-bisexual.
Are Those Outer Space Pants B/C You’re Out of This World
It’s Groundhog Day, JJ is back in bed, naked and with his ukulele, telling the Captain’s log that he’s going to speak to Lara tomorrow, if she smiles.
No We Are Not the Token Gays, Promise
Thomas and JJ are rough-housing OH BOYYYSSS will be boys! Lara walks by and tells them that if they’ve got time to lean, they’ve got time to clean. She smiles, and it’s the smile JJ has been waiting for! Time to ask her out OH WAIT.
Aw You Told Me You Wouldn’t Mind it if I Kissed a Girl and Liked It
Thomas tells JJ to seize the day, however by the time he finds Lara, she’s too busy flirting with a dude in a wife-beater and armband tattoo. Don’t lose hope, Worf. See those camo pants? He’s only one minute away from getting his face blown off in the war, like that old lady’s friend.
Captain’s Log: I Could Use a Holodeck Right About Now
JJ is crushed — he isn’t in the mood to sing racist rap music and isn’t interested in talking atoms with his mother. He turns straight to the Captain’s log.
JJ: The alien life form has been identified as Lara Lloyd, the most beautiful girl in this, or any known, universe. Jonah Jones, a pathetic wanker who will die alone in a flat full of pigeons that he calls his babies.
Aw, I guess pigeons are to nerdy boys as cats are to lesbians.
This is a Masturbation Scene
He debunks his shrink’s theory that he is not a normal teenage boy by turning on the other captain’s log.
Secretly Wishes There Was Whiskey In It
Lara’s got the flu and JJ still think she’s hot, he is such a lez! Also, that’s a good sign, snag this boy, he’ll probs still like you when you buy him Candy Hearts and talk about war atrocities and call it a date. He drops a tab of Vitamin C Alkaseltzer into her glass, which he realizes looks bad, but I mean who has time for date rape in the afternoon, there’s work to be done. He tells her it’ll fight off her flu and regulate her bowel movements. She drinks it. Easy. Lara is a trooper.
“Lara will you go out with me?”
Thomas threatens to ask Lara out if JJ doesn’t. He’s maybe bluffing, I dunno, but if he is then it’s worked because JJ jumps on the store PA system to beat him to it.
I HOPE SHE’S NOT SICK OR ANYTHING.
Take Yourself Some Alka-Seltzer And You’ll Feel Better Fast
The whole store waits in anticipation of a rom com moment and it’s not for nothing, she says yes!
Freddie Came Home With a Vengeance (in his bag)
JJ’s so happy that he goes straight home to play with his ukulele. No not that one. That’s when Freddie busts into the room lugging a giant rucksack that has smoke coming out of it. No, it’s not dry ice for a little Thriller night, it’s um, COOK!
This is Where Me and the Boys in Prison Liked to “Talk,” Mate, In the Shower!
JJ follows Cook into the shower and tells him that he can’t stay in his room. See things have changed now, JJ’s got adult responsibilities like his job at the candy store. He’s also got a date with a hot girl, and even he can see that having a room mate is going to dramatically lower his chances of getting laid.
JJ: You can’t just stay here.
Cook: Well I’m sorry, mate. Fred’s dad was getting suspicious there, wasn’t he? You’ll have to keep me here for a bit.
JJ: Keep you? What do you mean keep you?! Her Majesty’s Prison Service is supposed to be doing that!
Cook: I escaped, all right? What’s the problem?
JJ: I’ve got a life, Cook!
Cook: Oh, I wouldn’t want to interrupt your fucking hectic social whirl, Jaykins!
JJ: FYI, things have changed, Cook. I’ve got a job. And a date! With a girl. But this is hopeless. I’m stressed. I’m gonna fuck up, and I don’t know what I’m doing.
Cook: Well let me make fucking use of myself then, Jaykins.
Cook’s willing to pay his board in the way of dating advice, and offers JJ three tips:
1. Be cool.
2. Touch her. “Touch her, she knows you want her. If you don’t then she’ll start to think she’s ugly.”
3. Look at her pupils. “If they’re dilated, it means she wants to play with your ding-a-ling.”
“1” is GOLDEN, obviously, as he was planning on being Uncool. Sure it sounds stupid, but he did score with Effy multiple times and so let’s just give him a chance. Is shaving his genitals also part of his secret? ‘Cause he does ask for the Ladyshaver.
Yes, I Like Mature Women With Big Jugs Okay, Don’t Judge
Mrs. Jones catches JJ locking his bedroom door, and it confuses her because they’re one of those close, loving families that don’t have secrets. What follows in Crystal’s opinion is one of the funnier moments this season and in Riese’s opinion makes her itchy.
JJ: What if I have private things, things that you can’t see.
Mrs. Jones: We don’t have secrets, Jonah. What things?
JJ: Porn! I don’t want you to see my pornography, mother. And I know you’ve been looking.
That Bathrobe Screams SEX
JJ shows up at Lara’s door, ready for romance in a checkered bow-tie and cardigan. He has Cook’s rules written on his palm, but probs should have paid more attention to Rule #1 because he’s two hours early. I would be so annoyed. He also touches her pretty quickly. Well, we’ve only got 47 minutes.
Lara: What are you doing?
JJ: Just touching you… soft.
Lara: Okay should we cut to the chase?
JJ: Possibly. Your eyes, can I just check —
Lara: Why don’t you come inside, I want to show you something.
JJ thinks he’s scored. Unfortunately, that “something” Lara wants to show him is not how to have heterosexual sex. It’s in fact what can happen when you do.
HALLO I AM A BABY
It’s like Degrassi! Lara has a bun in the oven! I mean out of the oven!
Lara: JJ, I’d like you to meet Albert. My baby.
JJ: Your baby. As in…
Lara: As in, yes, I had sex and shazam! A baby.
I hope Albert turns out to be fat so they can call him Fat Albert. JJ shows Albert some magic tricks while Lara gets ready for their date. I bet JJ wishes he knew how to make himself disappear, particularly when the kid pees all over him and then his daddy Liam shows up at the door. The Baby Daddys are always such total badasses so that we can all understand that sleeping with assholes is a one-way road to Pampers.
Hi, I’m The Asshole Boyfriend from Central Casting
Oh look it’s the wife-beater guy that Lara was flirting with at Hancocks, he’s not stoked about another dude touching his kid or his kid’s mother.
Liam: If I see you touch my kid again, I’m going to rip your lungs out. Touch her, and I’ll set them on fire and stick them up your ass.
See this is what happens if you show up two hours early. Also Lara seems oddly unapologetic about the fact that Albert just peed in JJ’s face!
Also the Human Head Weighs Eight Pounds! No Kidding!
JJ and Lara walk into a bar and the bartender says hey, what’s with the super awkward conversation. JJ is telling Lara all about bar peanuts and how the ones she’s sticking in her mouth contain traces of urine from up to 16 different people. Every word that comes out of his mouth dramatically lowers his chances of kissing that mouth later, and I’m saying this about a guy who has pee on his face already.
He clicks to get the bartenders attention, which is seriously my biggest pet peeve ever. Clearly he’s really really trying to get more human fluids in his mouth.
He asks her for a “capribina”, straight up on the rocks, which is a ribena juice cocktail because that’s how he rolls. The bartender quite rightly denies him and his twatty drink request, but not Lara’s, she successfully orders vodka even though she looks 12.
Oh! Look who’s here! I SPY A LESBIAN!
Hi, my Name is Emily and I’m Being Sketchy
Emily walks in. She introduces JJ and Lara to her “friend” Mandy and says they were just about to leave. Mandy points out that they only just got there. Good point, Mandy. Why is Emily lying? Mandy turns to JJ and gushes/snarks “she’s lovely, isn’t she?” Whatevs, homewrecker.
[Hi this is Crystal speaking. A few weeks ago I suggested that it wouldn't be a bad thing if Emily went off and played the field a little. I am officially retracting my statement. It was fine in theory, but actually watching Emily make a rational & sober decision to secretly hang with a girl who is not Naomi just doesn't feel right. Naomily 4evs! Okay carry on.]
With Emily gone, the kids continue their awkward first date conversation, which includes, but is not limited to, Lara warning JJ that he needs to keep his hands where she can see them. Never know when he’s going to masturbate, come in his hand, and stick it up her cervix, because she already has one baby. Things are not going well.
JJ: Are your pupils dilated?
Lara: Only when I’m pissed off.
4. Time to Go Home
Things just go from bad to worse when JJ spits Lara’s vodka and coke all over her. Instead of helping to clean her up, he bolts off to the bathrooms for some girl talk with Cook.
Cook is the Next D’Angelo
If you’re looking for a voice of reason, you should probs not call the convict who’s naked in your bed wearing nothing but a ukulele. Cook, who is an expert in escapes, tells JJ to get the hell outta there. To be fair he probably didn’t mean right then and there, out the bathroom window.
The Great Escape
Lara walks in and catches him mid-escape, which will happen if you hide out in the ladies room. Further proving our theory that JJ is a lesbian who should come out of the closet.
JJ: I just came to, um, buy tampons. For you. As a gift.
Lara: Forget it. This was a mistake.
NEXT:The best way to lay a lady is to take her to Naomi & Emily’s house, clearly.