Skins Recap Episode 406: JJ Wants Candy

by riese & crystal

Hi, welcome to the recap of Skins, which was not about Naomi or Emily today. Instead it was about JJ, who is tied with Aiden from South of Nowhere for the biggest-lesbian-in-the-body-of-a-straight-male award.

Once again, we’d like to thank the good people of SkinsFTW, because we snagged some of their graphics again because they are so much better than ours. You can download the episodes there if you wanna.

Episode 406: JJ

I’ll Take You To The Candy Shop

If you’re of the opinion that the Skins kids are all lazy delinquents who spend their days smoking MDMA and screwing chicks in the woods, you’d be forgiven but also mistaken. JJ’s a working man. He’s got himself a job at a candy store called Hancocks, which is a dream job for anyone who happens to be smoking the evil weed, which JJ is not.

One thing I really like about Skins is that it is very colorful.

I Said a Hip Hip Hop the Hippie to the Hippie

It’s really the perfect job for JJ ’cause he’s a total sweetheart who flirts with old ladies buying boiled heart-shaped candy for their gentleman callers.

Captain’s Log: JJ is Still Staring At Me

It’s also perfect for JJ because Hancocks is where his dream woman works. Her name is Lara. Lara doesn’t know JJ’s name, but everyone thinks JJ should go for it anyway. Her little booth and sullen personality reminds me of Zooey Deschenel as Cheryl in The Good Girl.

Attention Shoppers, There’s a Retail Rodeo Special

“As a girl, you see the world as a giant candy store. But one day you look around and all you see is a giant prison.” (Justine, The Good Girl)

Anyhow back to SKINS. JJ likes this girl.

Elderly customer: Hang in there JJ. My brother was in love with a girl during the war, and by the time he got up the courage to ask her out it was too late.
JJ: What happened?
Elderly customer: His face got blown up by a bomb.

Bam! No War for Oil!


We’re introduced to the Jones Family Routine.

1. JJ’s mother picks JJ up from work, and they have a mum and son sing-a-long to rap music that contains violence, graphic sexuality and racist themes. No wonder JJ has so much anxiety.

Rollin’ With my Mummies

2. Over dinner, Mrs. Jones quizzes JJ about the space-time continuum and Einstein’s theory of relativity while Mr Jones reads the paper. This is what Riese’s parents did to her as a child except with state capitals. Now she writes TV recaps. You do the math. Well, if you passed math.

Little Einstein

3. In bed, JJ lies in bed half-naked with his ukulele and records his diary entry, no doubt an instruction from his shrink. He calls it his “Captain’s Log” which reminds Crystal of Avatar except Skins is so much better than Avatar.  It reminds Riese of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which, like Skins, was good.

Out of this World

Today, JJ is musing over his failure to make contact with “alien life forms,” and by that he means Lara. He’s probs not going to score if he continues comparing women to aliens, though that did work for Captain Picard. Anyhow, he decides he’ll speak to Lara tomorrow if she smiles at him. Good plan, they’ll be feeling each other up in no time.


Lara & The Bicycle She Lost Her Virginity To

JJ and Thomas, who also works at Hancocks, are fooling around on trolleys in the parking lot. Lara rides by on a bicycle and says “hello AJ,” which must sting; I think having your dream girl mess up your name is probably worse than her not knowing it at all.

Thomas: You’ve got to ask her out, cuz.
JJ: But.. but…
Thomas: Yeah, but she’s out of your league.
JJ: I mean, yes but…
Thomas: But you’ve only slept with one girl, and this person was a lesbian who felt sorry for you.
JJ: No! I mean, yes, but..
Thomas: But you have no hair on your balls.

Ew!

Who Can Take a Nutsack, and Sparkle it With Rhyme?

Thomas yells that he does have hairy balls, which he should probably take care of if he wants any more lesbians to give him beejers. He creeps out all the kids outside who’ve probs already been told to beware of the candyman. That’s how people end up on SVU. Well, or being an angry militant sexually aggressive lesbian-cum-bisexual.

Are Those Outer Space Pants B/C You’re Out of This World

It’s Groundhog Day, JJ is back in bed, naked and with his ukulele, telling the Captain’s log that he’s going to speak to Lara tomorrow, if she smiles.

No We Are Not the Token Gays, Promise

Thomas and JJ are rough-housing OH BOYYYSSS will be boys! Lara walks by and tells them that if they’ve got time to lean, they’ve got time to clean. She smiles, and it’s the smile JJ has been waiting for! Time to ask her out OH WAIT.

Aw You Told Me You Wouldn’t Mind it if I Kissed a Girl and Liked It

Thomas tells JJ to seize the day, however by the time he finds Lara, she’s too busy flirting with a dude in a wife-beater and armband tattoo. Don’t lose hope, Worf. See those camo pants? He’s only one minute away from getting his face blown off in the war, like that old lady’s friend.

Captain’s Log: I Could Use a Holodeck Right About Now

JJ is crushed — he isn’t in the mood to sing racist rap music and isn’t interested in talking atoms with his mother. He turns straight to the Captain’s log.

JJ: The alien life form has been identified as Lara Lloyd, the most beautiful girl in this, or any known, universe. Jonah Jones, a pathetic wanker who will die alone in a flat full of pigeons that he calls his babies.

Aw, I guess pigeons are to nerdy boys as cats are to lesbians.

This is a Masturbation Scene

He debunks his shrink’s theory that he is not a normal teenage boy by turning on the other captain’s log.


Secretly Wishes There Was Whiskey In It

Lara’s got the flu and JJ still think she’s hot, he is such a lez! Also, that’s a good sign, snag this boy, he’ll probs still like you when you buy him Candy Hearts and talk about war atrocities and call it a date.  He drops a tab of Vitamin C Alkaseltzer into her glass, which he realizes looks bad, but I mean who has time for date rape in the afternoon, there’s work to be done. He tells her it’ll fight off her flu and regulate her bowel movements. She drinks it. Easy. Lara is a trooper.

“Lara will you go out with me?”

Thomas threatens to ask Lara out if JJ doesn’t. He’s maybe bluffing, I dunno, but if he is then it’s worked because JJ jumps on the store PA system to beat him to it.

I HOPE SHE’S NOT SICK OR ANYTHING.

Take Yourself Some Alka-Seltzer And You’ll Feel Better Fast

The whole store waits in anticipation of a rom com moment and it’s not for nothing, she says yes!


Freddie Came Home With a Vengeance (in his bag)

JJ’s so happy that he goes straight home to play with his ukulele. No not that one. That’s when Freddie busts into the room lugging a giant rucksack that has smoke coming out of it. No, it’s not dry ice for a little Thriller night, it’s um, COOK!

skinsftw.tumblr.com

This is Where Me and the Boys in Prison Liked to “Talk,” Mate, In the Shower!

JJ follows Cook into the shower and tells him that he can’t stay in his room. See things have changed now, JJ’s got adult responsibilities like his job at the candy store. He’s also got a date with a hot girl, and even he can see that having a room mate is going to dramatically lower his chances of getting laid.

JJ: You can’t just stay here.
Cook: Well I’m sorry, mate. Fred’s dad was getting suspicious there, wasn’t he? You’ll have to keep me here for a bit.
JJ: Keep you? What do you mean keep you?! Her Majesty’s Prison Service is supposed to be doing that!
Cook: I escaped, all right? What’s the problem?
JJ: I’ve got a life, Cook!
Cook: Oh, I wouldn’t want to interrupt your fucking hectic social whirl, Jaykins!
JJ: FYI, things have changed, Cook. I’ve got a job. And a date! With a girl. But this is hopeless. I’m stressed. I’m gonna fuck up, and I don’t know what I’m doing.
Cook: Well let me make fucking use of myself then, Jaykins.

Cook’s willing to pay his board in the way of dating advice, and offers JJ three tips:

1. Be cool.
2. Touch her. “Touch her, she knows you want her. If you don’t then she’ll start to think she’s ugly.”
3. Look at her pupils. “If they’re dilated, it means she wants to play with your ding-a-ling.”

“1” is GOLDEN, obviously, as he was planning on being Uncool. Sure it sounds stupid, but he did score with Effy multiple times and so let’s just give him a chance. Is shaving his genitals also part of his secret? ‘Cause he does ask for the Ladyshaver.

Yes, I Like Mature Women With Big Jugs Okay, Don’t Judge

Mrs. Jones catches JJ locking his bedroom door, and it confuses her because they’re one of those close, loving families that don’t have secrets. What follows in Crystal’s opinion is one of the funnier moments this season and in Riese’s opinion makes her itchy.

JJ: What if I have private things, things that you can’t see.
Mrs. Jones: We don’t have secrets, Jonah. What things?
JJ: Porn! I don’t want you to see my pornography, mother. And I know you’ve been looking.


That Bathrobe Screams SEX

JJ shows up at Lara’s door, ready for romance in a checkered bow-tie and cardigan. He has Cook’s rules written on his palm, but probs should have paid more attention to Rule #1 because he’s two hours early. I would be so annoyed. He also touches her pretty quickly. Well, we’ve only got 47 minutes.

Lara: What are you doing?
JJ: Just touching you… soft.
Lara: Okay should we cut to the chase?
JJ: Possibly. Your eyes, can I just check —
Lara: Why don’t you come inside, I want to show you something.

JJ thinks he’s scored. Unfortunately, that “something” Lara wants to show him is not how to have heterosexual sex. It’s in fact what can happen when you do.

HALLO I AM A BABY

It’s like Degrassi! Lara has a bun in the oven! I mean out of the oven!

Lara: JJ, I’d like you to meet Albert. My baby.
JJ:
Your baby. As in…
Lara:
As in, yes, I had sex and shazam! A baby.

I hope Albert turns out to be fat so they can call him Fat Albert. JJ shows Albert some magic tricks while Lara gets ready for their date. I bet JJ wishes he knew how to make himself disappear, particularly when the kid pees all over him and then his daddy Liam shows up at the door. The Baby Daddys are always such total badasses so that we can all understand that sleeping with assholes is a one-way road to Pampers.

Hi, I’m The Asshole Boyfriend from Central Casting

Oh look it’s the wife-beater guy that Lara was flirting with at Hancocks, he’s not stoked about another dude touching his kid or his kid’s mother.

Liam: If I see you touch my kid again, I’m going to rip your lungs out. Touch her, and I’ll set them on fire and stick them up your ass.

See this is what happens if you show up two hours early. Also Lara seems oddly unapologetic about the fact that Albert just peed in JJ’s face!


Also the Human Head Weighs Eight Pounds! No Kidding!

JJ and Lara walk into a bar and the bartender says hey, what’s with the super awkward conversation. JJ is telling Lara all about bar peanuts and how the ones she’s sticking in her mouth contain traces of urine from up to 16 different people. Every word that comes out of his mouth dramatically lowers his chances of kissing that mouth later, and I’m saying this about a guy who has pee on his face already.

He clicks to get the bartenders attention, which is seriously my biggest pet peeve ever. Clearly he’s really really trying to get more human fluids in his mouth.

He asks her for a “capribina”, straight up on the rocks, which is a ribena juice cocktail because that’s how he rolls. The bartender quite rightly denies him and his twatty drink request, but not Lara’s, she successfully orders vodka even though she looks 12.

Oh! Look who’s here! I SPY A LESBIAN!

Hi, my Name is Emily and I’m Being Sketchy

Emily walks in. She introduces  JJ and Lara to her “friend” Mandy and says they were just about to leave. Mandy points out that they only just got there. Good point, Mandy. Why is Emily lying? Mandy turns to JJ and gushes/snarks “she’s lovely, isn’t she?”  Whatevs, homewrecker.

[Hi this is Crystal speaking. A few weeks ago I suggested that it wouldn't be a bad thing if Emily went off and played the field a little. I am officially retracting my statement. It was fine in theory, but actually watching Emily make a rational & sober decision to secretly hang with a girl who is not Naomi just doesn't feel right. Naomily 4evs! Okay carry on.]

With Emily gone, the kids continue their awkward first date conversation, which includes, but is not limited to, Lara warning JJ that he needs to keep his hands where she can see them. Never know when he’s going to masturbate, come in his hand, and stick it up her cervix, because she already has one baby. Things are not going well.

JJ: Are your pupils dilated?
Lara: Only when I’m pissed off.

4. Time to Go Home

Things just go from bad to worse when JJ spits Lara’s vodka and coke all over her. Instead of helping to clean her up, he bolts off to the bathrooms for some girl talk with Cook.

Cook is the Next D’Angelo

If you’re looking for a voice of reason, you should probs not call the convict who’s naked in your bed wearing nothing but a ukulele. Cook, who is an expert in escapes, tells JJ to get the hell outta there. To be fair he probably didn’t mean right then and there, out the bathroom window.

The Great Escape

Lara walks in and catches him mid-escape, which will happen if you hide out in the ladies room. Further proving our theory that JJ is a lesbian who should come out of the closet.

JJ: I just came to, um, buy tampons. For you. As a gift.
Lara: Forget it. This was a mistake.


NEXT:The best way to lay a lady is to take her to Naomi & Emily’s house, clearly.

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Crystal is Autostraddle's HR Director. She resides in Sydney, Australia, where she wears black clothing almost exclusively and listens to Green Day as enthusiastically as she did at 13.

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25 Comments

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      oh really? damn, i am going to have to look into that. crystal usually looks over these before we publish them since she knows last season better than I do, but she had a big presentation at work today so wasn’t able to. damn!

      anyhow, thank you!

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    This is my favorite episode of this season because it was the only one that didn’t make me feel depressed at the end. Honestly, I don’t see how this season can’t end on a bummer note, though. Everyone’s a high school dropout, Effy’s on the verge of suicide, and Freddy/Pandora and Emily/Naomi are broken up. I feel like if Naomi had her own episode, there would be a way that I could imagine the Naomily storyline ending well. But now I don’t see how they’ll ever have enough screentime to get a happy ending. :(

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      According to tvcd.tv the episode after Effy is Naomi and is also the last episode where everything gets sorted out I guess? This is good news but I’m sad that Pandora apparently has no episode/absolutely nothing going for her this season. I’m weirdly invested in things turning out okay for her.

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        Agreed. I LOVED Panda through most of season 3 and I wanted to see her get her life together this season. I really hoped she would kind of go back to being the super sweet and somewhat innocent character in her group of MDMA & Sex-Crazed friends. But apparently, not.

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    Seeing Emily with Mandy made me so uncomfortable! Like, heart-hammering, stomach-quivering uncomfortable. I did not like it. I shouted at the TV.

    Also, I totally agree with this: I feel like this relationship, even when it sucks, feels authentic and unrestrained in a way that most television shows don’t grant lesbian relationships.

    And double also, “Man in the Mirror” really was perfectly heartbreaking.

    Luff the recap, as always. :)

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      also i thought mandy seemed like a bitch. when she was like, ‘i like her,’ i was like, how could you like her, I met her for like ten seconds and I did not like her one bit.

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    Emily and Naomi are so miserable and that makes me miserable.

    Jean Luc Picard acted as a second father for me throughout childhood, so I appreciate the startrek references in this episode.

    Possibly I become too invested in television shows?

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    My no.1 concern this episode is that JJ did not shower and change his shirt and gargle mouthwash after the baby peed all over him! Like did he even wash his face?? I was still srsly distracted by this when Emily showed up acting sketchy with that girl, and now I just have a lot of anxiety.

    The ending was sweet though. I heart that JJ plays the ukelele. HE WOULD. I bet he has a youtube channel where he does ironic ukelele covers of current pop hits.

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    “If you’re looking for a voice of reason, you should probs not call the convict who’s naked in your bed wearing nothing but a ukulele.”

    yes but when you’re JJ, it’s either that or your tape recorder – excuse me, captain’s log.

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    The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain are the loveliest peeps ever, I worked with them for a bit on a festival..SO GREAT seeing them on this episode.

    I hate JJ’s Dr., who is obvs getting perks for prescribing drugs that he doesn’t need.

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    my two thoughts about this episode/skins are:

    1. i feel really weird about how affected i am by the family scenes? like, if you knew how many times they’ve made me cry… well, i’m not going to tell you.

    2. i also feel like skins is making me believe i live in this alternate universe where it is ok/normal to self-medicate with pills all the time. like, this is a very pedestrian concept to me now, i feel like taking an ativan to make it through a tuesday afternoon is no biggie. help please

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      Rachel, I was almost just going to let this go by…but then I thought, what if you weren’t just being silly or making a joke…

      I’ve been there. Needing an Ativan (lorazepam) to “make it through a Tuesday.” It was prescribed by a doctor, as part of my ongoing treatment for clinical depression, but there were times when I convinced myself that I needed a double dose or needed to take a dose earlier than normal, “just to make it throught the day.” Those were really, really bad times, made worse mostly because once I started cycling that dose of meds higher and higher or more often than normal, that’s when I started feeling like I needed it more often than normal. Very dark times.

      There were other issues that contributed, of course. A coworker had died suddenly, and a teenager that I worked with and cared about had taken his own life. These compounded to make my depression even more severe.

      I’ve been off the Ativan for about seven months now and am and doing much better. It was a difficult process (which is kinda funny…it’s such an innocuos, little pill).

      DON’T START taking something like this unless a doctor prescribes it and only take it as prescribed!! Please!

      If you were just joking around then laugh this off, okay? …but I didn’t want to take the chance.

      Peace be with you. -Mis

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    i’ve never seen an episode of skins ever, but i have read all of autostraddle’s recaps so i’m going to go out on a limb and make a judgment: i liked this episode because it wasn’t depressing and it was also kind of funny, but naomily, wtf. i want everything to be happy in lesboland.

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    I think the humor in the rap songs/car scene were totally missed. They weren’t racist songs or maybe I missed the humor here ?
    Eh anyway sappy episode, but I guess it was needed after the last one’s bleakness.

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    -I have very little interest in a relationship that starts, peaks, and declines in a week.
    -Mandy was pretty
    -I appreciate Cooks body hair removal more than anyone here and I wish more would follow suit
    -Emily & Naomi- Either break up or be together. Its simple. Relationships are NOT that complicated

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      as i have a lot of um, men in my past, i also appreciated cook’s body hair removal and wish more would follow suit, especially those who have expectations of females to do the same

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    I’m torn now.

    I don’t want to see Naomi and Emily break up.

    But if they do, that’s at least two more lesbians/bisexuals on this show, because they’d be dating other people. Already there’s at least four lesbians this season. One’s dead. So, they’d need to add another, because Naomi wouldn’t stay single… that makes five!

    Five lesbians? That’s practically an L Word.

    And you know they’d make it right in the end. In six months, Naomi and Emily would definitely wind up back together.

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    JJ is a queer girl in a boy’s body, and you know how I know this? Because I’m a queer girl and I totally was JJ in high school (with some Jal thrown in since I’m a music major who was totally the big fish in the small pond that was her school’s lousy orchestra). I’m still like him – I feel like these days I’m some combo of JJ + Naomi + Jal, with maybe some Tony on my bad days.

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