RECAP! – The L Word, Season Five, Episode One [501]: LGB Tease

OMG you guys my name is Riese have you heard about this show The L Word? It’s soooo awesome! It’s like all these lesbians, it’s like the way that we live. Wow. I wish I could open this recap with a little musical number w/dancers, like The Nutcracker. Unfortunately, this is the internet, not the local playhouse. Soooo, tonight’s viewing was attended by me, my BFF Haviland, and our friends Alex and Carly. How have you been? We’ve yearned & ached for y’all. We’ve had A LOT of feelings this year. A LOT. So many that I’ve run out of jokes. So, if you’re still bored after you’re done reading this, you should watch our L Word parody videos: Teaser & Trailer & Phone-Chain & Phone-Chain Bloopers & Dramatic Readings. Seriously you guys. Also, um: I’m sorta like, getting back into the swing of things … so … omgnotasfunnyasiwannabe outofjokes.

Oh, so, I’m going to write some Love Poems to Ilene Chaiken. It’s a Dave-Oprah thing, except I’m not famous, and Ilene is less famous than Oprah. You follow? Excellent.

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Romancing L’Stone: The episode opens with Jenny Schecter penning her screenplay adaptation of the allegedly bestselling novelmoir, Lez Girls. Yeah — that’s right. Let me say this again: the episode opens with JENNY WRITING. Why not just open with Mangus dry-humping the nanny? Anyhow, Jenny’s really reaching past her navel now and getting creative. Instead of just writing down everything that’s ever happened to her ever, she’s writing down everything that’s happened to her ever but SEXIER. See you guys, she just wants to be loved. She just wants nipple confidence like Shane.

In Jenny’s new improved version of the Sperm-Finder Party,”Bev, Nina and Shaun” are sex-starved sirens lusting after Jesse’s “lithe, elegant body,” offering “Strawberry Dykeries” (clever!! I ALWAYS fall for that one) and speculating about Jesse’s sexuality. Because lesbians speak only in stereotype, they dismiss her as “too feminine” but ladykiller Shaun still desires to “taste her fruits,” and “Nina” growls: “Get in line.”

I like this version of Lez Girls, although I’m wondering what happened to the musical, a.k.a. THE BEST IDEA EVER. I mean, wouldn’t it’ve been hot if Bev/Bette and Nina/Tina often had threesomes with bi-curious straight girls? Or sang & danced? Also, so glad that Bette’s hair looks better in this re-filming than it did in the original. Some things get better with time. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this show is one of those things. Right-o.

This is The Way It’s the Way That We Scream at The Teevee: Hey! This song sure is hot! I love it! OMG, they’re totally right — this IS the way that we live! AND LOVE!!! OMG!!! I wanna get the Jason Nevins remix of this crazysexycool track and listen to it on repeat all day and all night. Cris-pay. Go Betty, best band ever. I hope they do a guest appearance. Redrum.

This Business of Art: Bette and Tina, sitting suspiciously close together, are trying to get Angelica into a posh pre-school by namedropping famous artists and talking about their apartment’s “rotating gallery of art.” “If she gets tired of watching the Jesus-fucking-the-girl-doggie-style video, we’ve got a beautiful mobile.” They need that picture Shay drew of himself & Shane. Seriously you give that kid some crayons and a milkshake and just watch him go! Anyhow, Uptight notices that Angelica’s using sign language and asks if they’ve got a deaf family member, which segues neatly into the necessary Bette & Jodi exposition — Jodi’s still in the picture, y’all. Get it? In the picture? Ha haha. Ha. She’d be a great candidate for making art a part of Angelica’s everyday experience too, as her “work” often resembles a jungle gym.

Did anyone else think Uptight said “dead” when she actually said “deaf”? ‘Cause that woulda been funnier. Bette could be like: “Oh yes, Angelica can, in fact, talk to dead people. She sees dead people, she told me so. And funny you should mention it, all my family members are dead, because life is not eternal and we are all mortal, except my alcoholic sister Kit, she’s alive and, speaking of language, bringing back offensive ebonics for all of us.”

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Did You Know Bees and Dogs Can Smell Fear?: Tina and Bette, swinging Angelica Lipnicki, stroll out, reviewing their circumstances. Tina thinks the lesbian-couple thing is an advantage, but that the school wouldn’t be ready for a “divorced lesbian couple” … coincidentally, the U.S. government also isn’t ready for a lesbian divorce as they have yet to legally recognise lesbian marriages. Tina and Bette did quite a formidable imitation of a “still-together” couple, howevs. This bodes well for the future, in which I imagine them naked and making out.

This douchebag gay couple shows up and says their kid’ll get in fo’sho ’cause he’s half-Asian, half-Puerto Rican, half-Muslim half-Polynesian, one quarter Pacific Islander Chinese, half bisexual, two-thirds man, seven-eights deaf, one-fifth blind, a quarter bipolar, one fourth Jewish, ten tenths Kelkian with a droplet of Vulcan and two tablespoons of ADHD. Give that kid a mild form of autism like Asperger’s and he’s IN IN IN. He can also travel at the speed of light and make rabbits disappear. When that kid grows up, he can have a lead part on The L Word as an African-American person. They like to mix it up like that.

Jailhouse ROCKS: Helena’s in central booking, looking horrifie
d, and — momentarily — half-naked. She’s like: “it was bad enough living with Alice and doing my own laundry and now I can’t even pick out my own outfit! WTF?” Howevs, she does look great in orange! Also–cupping her breast while Angela Robinson’s name pops up on bottom, also very sassy!

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“The Planet”-A Podcast for L Word Fans! : Back at The Planet, Alice and Phyllis are setting up for their podcast. This is a special podcast though, it’s the kind you do on video. Some call that a “vodcast” or a “vlog,” but let’s not get hung up on those particular linguistic technicalities when we could be having an engaging conversation about lesbian lingo, e.g., “lipstick lesbian.” You know, the kind of conversation that makes me want to stick sporks in my eyes. Do other people like this? I know I can get a little Grinch Who Stole Televisiony, so fire away — if you’re entertained by this kind of chit-chat, I’m genuinely curious to know why. Please comment.

FYI, I’m a lipgloss lesbian, and it’s poppin. Just throwin’ it out there. Butch. Futch. Dutch. Clutch. If I never hear the word “butch” again for as long as I live I will be satisfied. We need a new word. I usually say “boyish” or “masculine,” but I guess that plays into gender dichotomies. Whatevs, bla bla. I like girls that look like boys.

Shane’s on her way out — it’s lease signing day for the McCutcheon-Sobels! Then lightning crashes, a black cat crosses her path, a mirror breaks in the bathroom and Kit comments : “When I see Shane with Auntie Paige, I don’t see Shane on fire.” I don’t really know what that means, but Kit’s not a major player in this episode so this’ll have to do for our Kittism.

Perhaps the fire reference is what Jenny might call “foreshadowing.” Or it could just be evidence of a limited vocabulary, it’s anyone’s guess. So Alice, who, btw, looks super-cute obvs, introduces Phyllis who’s gonna talk about coming out in mid-life for the podcast. Also, Kit’s hair: sigh.

The Con: Helena’s shuffled to her cell where her roommate is doing her daily knuckle exercises — lookin’ fine in her wifebeater (perhaps literally?), orange pants and regulation Keds slip-ons. Helena–nervous, British, and adorable–tells her roommate she won’t be there long, she’s just waiting to get in touch with her mother, who’ll take care of everything. Not a good move, talking about your mother on your first day in prison. She shoulda been like “My Dad, who, P.S., weighs 500 pounds and is in the mafia, will take care of everything.” Her roommate, who I’ll call Bunny because she’s so gentle and fluffy, informs Helena that she’s sitting on her bunk. That’s good, Helena should be on the top bunk away from the cockroaches.

iTunes U: Phyllis has a new lady-love, Joyce, and she’s apparently lost her mind because the vice chancellor of the University of Wherevs should not EVER, EVER be online talking about her sex life. That’s all kinds of a bad idea. Really, no one should be online talking about their sex life unless they are retarded, like I am, or making money off it, or are unemployed and therefore can’t get fired from anything. Phyllis says the sex with Joyce is like a Graduate Thesis compared to Alice, who’s like kindergarten. Um … raise your hand if you thought kindergarten was more fun than writing a graduate thesis? Right. That’s what I thought. Hello, finger paints and peanut butter play-dough and like two pages of reading a week! Holla! Also I think Dana would say otherwise, if she weren’t dead, ’cause Alice & Dana had like 500 dildos.

Phyllis says Alice was just a little “vanilla” for her. Alice is like “What? Vanilla?” and Phyllis offers a definition, and Alice — being so cute you just want to eat her, as if she really was a soft serve cone inside your mouth — is like “I know what it means.” Aw. Vanilla. Pssht.

Carly: She’s like, um, “Vanilla? I’m dating a black girl!”

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My Windows Look Into Your Living Room Where I Spend the Afternoon on Top Of You: Shane and Paige are checking out their potential new apartment. Their real estate woman is foxy/boring and reminds us of Trishelle from The Real World. Paige thinks Jerod’ll love the swimming pool. Shane will too; she’s got a long history of sex in pools. Real Estate tells Shane that Lisa Pantolini says “Hi” and Shane gets a little dodgy. Paige asks who Lisa is, and Shane says it’s just a “girl she used to know.” Then Real Estate continues to dig Shane’s grave by listing other lovely ladies who are still lusting for Shane’s hot beef injection and remarking how surprised she is that Shane’s settling down.

Carly: Oh Paige, you should know better. You never ask who the girl is.
Me: Yeah you do, like three weeks later in the middle of a fight, that’s when you ask. And who was LISA, by the way? Like that.
Carly: This is so inappropriate. This would never happen. This is not the way that anyone lives.

My Windows Look Into Your Bathroom Where I Spend the Afternoon Watching You Get Yourself Clean: Real Estate asks how long they’ve been together; Shane says “not long” and Paige offers “five and a half months.” That’s code for “One of us is keeping track, the other is in denial,” and is a bad sign. Also, I wouldn’t mind dating Paige for 5.5 months. I love kids, super-cute. Just throwin’ it out there. Paige has to go pick up Jerod and Real Estate asks if Shane wants to go check out “the garage.” As Phyllis The Master Linguist probs knows, “the garage” is clearly code for “my vagina.”

It Stands for Tegan, Obvs: This scene kinda hurts my brain to even try to talk about. Um … Our Chart is for everyone, you guys, it’s the Chart that is ours. Phyllis wants to know: what does the T stand for? Tentative? (I think I was born knowing what the ‘T” stands for. I can’t remember ever questioning it. I popped out of the womb and my parents were like “Honey, Jane used to be Jack.”) Tap-dancing? TEASE? Trick-or-Treat? Time Out?

No, it stands for transgender, like Max, who — cue exposition — decided not to go through with his top surgery ’cause he doesn’t want to lose sensation in his nipples. What happened to his girlfriend? What happened to Papi? What happened to Dana? Mark? Gomey? Anyone? Bueller? Luckily, Tasha, who’s about to ship out to Iraq, calls, interrupting this painful conversation. Kit delivers the phone to Alice, because um, she likes to deliver things.

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All You Need to Save Me — Call: Alice giggles like a schoolgirl. Our hearts melt for her. Alice tells Tasha “I love you,” and Tasha says “Me too.” Then Alice is like “say it,” and she’s cuter than a pumpkin. Tasha says it and Alice hangs up, clearly lookin’ sad & tentative about this. Alice reads her truthdig … she knows Tasha’s chances of coming home in a body-bag are pretty high. Dead as Dana, you might say. We all go “awwww” and Haviland goes ‘What’s her name again?”

Haviland: Because of that thing on the bottom ["This DVD is the property of Showtime"], I feel like this whole thing’s like, a Lunesta ad.
Carly: It’s like an infomercial.
Riese: Side effects may include banging your head against the wall and losing sensitivity in your nipples.

Please Mr. Po-Oh-Oh-Oh-Ostman: Bette and Tina are talking about the preschool letters they haven’t gotten yet. Kit got a postcard from Jenny. Kit’s like the Hermes of The L Word this season. She just delivers things, like messages and exposition. Here’s the scoop: Jenny’s in La Playa Del Carmen [De La Pica Morales?!!!]. Bette is setting something up for Jodi’s return and so Kit is babysitting and she’s not talking to Angus anymore ’cause she needs a “clean break” and Tina has to go to a production meeting for Lez Girls which’s being financed by this hedge fund guy with a jet and Phyllis joins the convo and Bette is worried for Alice because Alice doesn’t need another dead girlfriend, because she is adorable and we love her and we (Carly & I) met Leisha Hailey at an Uh Huh Her concert and she was really sweet, super-sweet. Also: I love that Bette & Tina are so comfortable with each other that they can just bust out passive-aggressiveness, like talking about Kate getting fired, without any self-consciousness.

Carly: Why do we call her Angie now?
Riese: They’re busy. It’s like “obvs.”
Carly: It’s an efficiency thing?
Riese: They’ve got a lot of exposition to fit into this dialogue.
Haviland: It’s gonna become “Ange” by the end of the episode.
Carly: It’ll be “A” by tomorrow.

I’d Spend the Night and I’d Lose My Mind: Paige and Jared are admiring the new apartment, which Jared describes as “AWESOME!” Yeah Dude RAD! Paige is ready to phone Shanealicious and confirm, but first she wants to check out the bedroom. I’m really confused about the passage of time in this scene, but I’m just gonna let that be.

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Lesbian Sexy Moment #1: You’re Looking Very Busted Today
The Players: Shane and Real Estate
The Pick-Up: Not sure — Real Estate’s run-down of all the friends she’s got who’ve already slept with Shane and how they all still want her may’ve been code for: “Promiscuous girl, you’re teasing me, you’ve got what I want and I got what you need” or whatevs. Probs the pick up was “Look at this wall-to-wall carpeting. It’s really comfy when you lie down naked on it with my breasts in your face and your hand on my ass, wanna see?”
Hot or Not?: I’m on Team Paige, so. No.

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AS IF! I am SO SURE.: Tina, looking frantic, bursts through the door of a production meeting, which’s being held in a building that reminds me a bit of “California University.” And it’s Wendell Hall ! Remember when Cher and Dionne set him up with Mrs. Geist? That was super cute. They get the best guest stars ever on this show. Anyhow. As Tina enters, you can hear him say something about a chateau and “swimming through the ocean of life,” which’s brill. Jenny says something grating about manatees and is very pointed about pronouncing “monsieur” correctly. Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer: you used to be funny-crazy and now you’re bitchy-crazy, which isn’t as much fun. Where’s your humility, weirdo?

Alex: It’s Wallace Shawn! It’s Mr. Hall!
Carly: I assume you’re referring to ladies problems ?
Haviland: Surfing the crimson wave right into that boardroom.

Anyhow! Let’s not waste any time, we have exposition: Jenny’s the new director of Lez Girls, ’cause she re-wrote the screenplay on spec. Jenny gives her best “conniving bitch” face when admitting “What was I gonna do?” Aw. Luckily, everyone knows that Mr. Hall has a very nice place in Taloo, where Jenny stayed and charmed his socks off. If the idea of Jenny’s script isn’t painful enough–they also want Jenny to direct Lez Girls .

Carly: Who’s directing? Tina?
Riese: No, Jenny, Just like she directed the carnival.

Then Jenny’s hapless assistant shows up with her little poodle. Have you read The Devil Wears Prada? Or seen the movie? Because that’s what this is. FYI. Carly starts going “Emily! Emily!” and then points out that this dude is totally “the poor man’s Stanley Tucci.” The dog’s got ribbons in his hair … but not the RIGHT kind of ribbons,
and Jenny won’t stand for it!

Jenny: What’s this on his head? This is mauve. This is not orange.
Marissa: I know but the groomer –
Jenny: No–no–no–
Marrisa: –ran out of orange rib–
Jenny: No–no–I don’t pay you to think. [to her dog, baby voice--] Do I Sounder, do I pay her to think? Do I? [to Marissa] He hates you. So take him to the groomer’s now and get orange ribbons so he can like you again. That’s it.

I’m not saying I like Jenny, but I sure do find her entertaining. She’ll never be as brill as she was in the “I’m just looking for some toast” scene, but we can only hope.

Your Love is Hype Your Life is Hype: Joyce and Phyllis, following a long evening of graduate-level carpet-munching, are basking in the afterglow of their sweet sweet lovemaking. Joyce [p.s. we love Jane Lynch] offers this evaluation: “Oh baby believe me when I say wowwwwww …” Phyllis is concerned she doesn’t match up to Joyce’s prior lovers and Joyce says tomorrow Phyllis can compare all her exes at the Coming Out Party. I’m not sure how they ended up seducing each other, they are the corniest seductresses of all time, I bet that was a funny scene.

Haviland: Oh, blondes in gold sheets.
Riese: What about blondes in gold sheets?
Alex: Yeah, what about it?
Haviland: It’s just … nice. They match.

Joyce asks if Phyllis has thought about her “proposition.” Uh-oh. Phyllis sees this golden opp to insert her new vocab and refers to the proposition as “U-Hauling it.” Joyce is totally flabbergasted: “Grasshopper! Where did you learn that lingo?” Really Papi?

Carly: Where have you been figuring that out on your own?
Riese: Have you been talking to other lesbians?
Haviland: Did some other lesbian tell you about that?
Carly: Which lesbian told you that?

It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere: Shane likes to drown her sorrows in Dos Equis, which I point out, and Carly goes “Duh. They should just call it “DUH Equis” ’cause it’s the only beer they drink on The L Word, duh.” Bette comes home from wherevs (does she have a job now? I can’t keep track, these women, always changing personalities and stuff) and sees the sad, brooding Shane looking sad and brooding. Shane’s been to Paige’s place but Paige won’t even open the door. Maybe it’s broken, like her heart and her dreams of living in an apartment with a non-broken door. “Fuck it,” Shane says, “I just don’t want Shay to find out.” He probs won’t, I think that actor’s not in the show anymore. Also, he’s not exactly Sherlock Holmes.

Lean on Me, When You’re Not Strong: Bette and Shane share a sweet & tender moment — it’s scenes like this that were missing last season — where you just see the strength of the character’s relationships to each other. ‘Cause fo’reals … that IS the way that we live. Haviland and I love cuddling when we’re sad and forlorn. But this afterglow of affection is interrupted by grating noise of Jenny Schecter speaking–and Shane’s thrilled! She begs Bette to wait and dashes inside where Jenny jumps on Shane with excitement — a lot of excitement. The kind of excitement that would imply these two lovely ladies will be lilting each other’s lyrics real soon wink wink.

Alex: I’m waiting for Shane and Jenny to take their clothes off and have sex.
Riese: Totally.
Carly: I’m not. I’m waiting for Shane to punch Jenny in the face.
Alex: C’mon look at them! Fucking have sex! Yes!
Riese: Just … get naked.

Instead of undressing her and caressing her thighs, Shane pulls Jenny outside, ’cause she’s got an idea cooking underneath her hair.

Shane: I want you to meet someone — Bette I want you to meet Jenny –
Jenny [cheery, weird]: Hello, Bette–
Bette [could kill you with that cold cold icy stare]: Hello, Jenny.
Shane [playful]: C’mon you fuckers, be friends please! We’re neighbours and we’ve known each other for a while.
Jenny [lying]: I never thought that Bette and I weren’t friends!
Bette [amazing]: We’ll see. [no.]

Jennifer Beals. Rock me, rock me, rock me with your brilliant everything. Bravo.

The Devil Wears Papi’s Earrings: Jenny’s hopping around like a little wood sprite on the phone with Marissa–she needs drycleaning ASAP. Good news, ’cause if she wears that outfit for another minute, I’ll just die, and if I die, who’ll make mediocre jokes and uneducated commentary on this show for the rest of the season? Papi? Mark? Why do they dress her like this? Mia’s got such a hot body and it’s not complimented by skinny jeans and big poofy pirate shirts.

Carly: She’s this awful combination of hippie and socialite.
Haviland: Well, she changes characters every season.
Riese: She’s just crazy, that’s why her characteristics change..
Carly: She’s like Britney-getting-carted off in an ambulance crazy. My sister was like “08 is off to a good start.”

Tina shows up at Jenny’s with coffee and croissants but Jenny won’t eat that because “it’s like sugar, and like, clogged arteries and like, ahh!” She’s become insufferable and neurotic! I wouldn’t have one either, but. Tina’s got suggestions for a re-write. Jenny’s not having it, obvs her script is already perfect, I mean, it’s Jenny Schecter, winner of the Fastest Publication Of All Time Award for the rapid cycle from memoir to New Yorker short story to novel to movie deal over the span of a few weeks, a feat never before realised by any living author ever.

Carly: Tina is lying through her teeth.
Alex: No, I think that’s just how she talks.

JENNY MOMENT: “Can I have MY script? Thanks. Um, but I will never take any of your sticky notes into account … [Tina apologizes for what happened with "Lez Girls"] … that was good. No, it was good, I can see that you — it took a lot to dredge up an apology and I can see all the time that it took but I still don’t see why I should take notes from — sticky notes, too!! from you …[Tina: "I'm your executive producer."] … Exactly. You’re an executive and I’m a writer and you don’t understand anything about writing or anything creative for that matter. So excuse me Tina but I actually have to get back to work.”

Speaking of grammatically triumphant creativity, I’m sure that graf makes no sense to anyone who didn’t see Jenny speak it out loud, because it is totally weird. Did they improv this scene? I feel like they possibly did. Anyhow, Tina’s like “Fine,” and leaves in a huff. After all, Jenny likes to write all morning. She’s got lots more childhood trauma to address, as we all do.

Carly: “It’s not show-friends, it’s show business. I hope you make this a regular feature on auto-straddle, Carly’s Puns of the Week. And it’ll just get worse and worse.”
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Carly wants to point out how film & television works: executives have final say on everything and can edit as they please. I’m glad Jenny’s moved from publishing into film, now Carly can take up the incredible stress I felt last season as Jenny boldly went where no writer has ever gone before, over and over again, slowly turning me into the incredulous maniac I am today.

Alex: Why don’t they [Tina & Jenny] just have sex?
Carly: Alex’s Awesome Observation Number One — if you’re gonna argue, at least do it topless.

All Your Cleverly Planned Meals: Helena’s trying to eat the gross jail food but just can’t stomach it. She’s used to champagne lunches and caviar dreams, obvs. Honestly, it looks no worse or better than anything I’ve eaten in a school cafeteria, or that I’ve seen friends eat in psychiatric facilities. Bunny helps herself to Helena’s discarded tray.

Carly: “Mo’ for me. My ARMS need food. My arms get their own tray.”
Me: Haviland, are you awake?
Carly: She’s fine.
Haviland: I can’t hear what they’re saying.
Alex: You’re not even drunk Haviland, seriously.

Dude, Angelica’s got so many floatation devices on her little body … she might just fly away. That girl’s decked out, she better watch out for strong winds or she’ll be over the rainbow in no time.

Underwater I Wrote Drowning I Used to Be Such a Good Good Swimmer: Bette takes Angelica in for a nap and Tina unties her bathing suit top and lounges in the cool summer sunshine. Carly and Alex start making porn music sounds but then they stop when the show busts out its own smooth jazz nightmare … and Bette emerges. She looks uncomfortable … which’s odd, it’s like we’re watching ABC Family or something. I think she’s probs seen Tina’s bare back before. Haha. Bareback. Get it, Brian Kinney? Anyhow, if she’s really uncomfortable … she should get a “Really Papi Really ?” t-shirt or perhaps some Autostraddle boyshorts or an Autowin tank? Just throwin’ it out there.

Alex: Oh damn, they’ve already taken care of the porn music for us.
Riese: It’s probs EZ Girl.
Carly: “Tina Tries To Seduce Bette By The Pool” by EZ GIrl. That’s the name of the track.

Luckily, Bette’s got a W magazine poolside, filled with photos of lythe half-naked ladies advertising purses by posing as dead/devastated. Bette’s wondering why Tina didn’t tell her Kate got fired — Tina explains it’s ’cause Bette hates the movie business, Bette asks if she & Kate hooked up and Tina refuses to answer. Bette then asks ‘Well, what are you doing for sex?” since it’s been “so long” or “is that off limits too?” and all of us go “YEAH!” at the same time.

Um, obvs. That’s like the number one “off limits” topic for exes, isn’t it? Is there anything MORE off-limits than that topic, exactly? “Does her cum taste like mine only sweeter?” Oh, Bette. Bette has her own rules for life, and that’s okay, because she has really nice arms. Tina, for her sake, does have a really good comeback:

OOOO snap.

Bad Girls Bad Girls Whatcha Gonna Do – Shane sees beautiful women everywhere she goes, she doesn’t understand why Tina doesn’t. After all, Shane’s cruisin’ the ladies and pickin’ up numbers in JAIL: “Will you still be here, when I come back?” Adorable and hilarious. However — and I’ve verified this with someone who’s been in jail (“soooo much dyke drama.”) — the visitors wouldn’t just cruise down like it’s the runway at a girl-convict petting zoo. I mean Really Papi? Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk about Papi, she’s in a better place now, she’s IN THE VORTEX WITH MARK. That should be a new feature: “In the Vortex.” Are there any other shows that do this– the character suddenly vanishing thing — besides Saved by the Bell?

Whatchu Gonna Do When They Cum For You: And now we have the SCENE OF THE WEEK! Sometimes I can’t think of a quote of the week — so I’ve got a scene of the week instead. Helena says she looks like shit, but Tina-in-heat remarks that Helena actually looks “beautiful.” They inquire about the stolen money.

Helena: I didn’t steal it! I was entitled to it.
Alice: Um –okay. Nobody’s disputing that.
Shane: Except for maybe the uh — the D.A.

Bad Bad Bad Bad Girls You Make Me Feel So GOOOOOOOD: They want to know where Helena’s hidden the money. I am 100 kinds of confused about this “crime” and these “charges,” but I find if I try to find the rhyme or reason to Ilene’s little plots, I usually end up at a dead end, screaming at the sky to save me.

Shane: So, uh, are they treating you well in here? Is it at least humane?
Alice: Well, I’m sure the sheets are polyester.
Helena [screaming]: There are no sheets! Alice! And the food here tastes like SHIT. My cell mate is like this massive homicidal psychopath who’s probably going to kill me in my sleep!
Tina: Well okay, alright, you just sit tight, alright, cause we’re gonna get you out.
Helena: How?
Shane: We don’t know yet. But we’re gonna figure it out. And in the meantime we’re gonna come here and visit you as much as we can –
Tina: Every day –
Shane: You have to promise us that you’re gonna keep it safe in here.
Helena: Okay — how — how do I do that?
Shane: You’ve gotta lay low.
Tina: No, she doesn’t. She needs to stand up for herself. She needs to let everybody here know that she is not afraid.
Shane: Oh Really?
Tina: Yeah.
Shane: I’m so sure. No, she should stick to herself and stay out of all the drama!
Alice: You guys, she gets a family and she gets herself a daddy–
Tina: No no no–
Shane: Are you fucking kidding me? Just stick to herself and stay out of all of that shit, that’s it–
Tina: She’s an Alpha Female!
Shane: She’s British!
Alice: Hey – hey — [hushing them] Just don’t drop the soap.
Alice & Tina: Don’t drop the soap.
Shane: I wouldn’t.

Operation Enduring “Freedom”: Alice is at home, watching the war on teevee. We know it’s the war in Iraq because the ticker at the bottom of the screen says: “War in Iraq.” I thought the war was over, isn’t that what G.W. said? Totally over? Toppled over that statue, etc.? Right. Shane comes in with some liquor and demands that Alice — “Pumpkin” — get her shit together for Phyllis’s coming out party. Another cute friend moment, lovin’ it!

Alice’s upset: Tasha was supposed to call after shipping out at “Oh-nine hundred hours,” and hasn’t. Y’know, I gots to say, that playing the “reasons she hasn’t called” game is way easier when the girl’s being shipped to Iraq to fight a ridiculous not-war on behalf of our ridiculous administration. Like, I bet she has a pretty good excuse, and it won’t be “I fell asleep” or “my cell phone didn’t ring, I’m gonna have to call Verizon and find out why I keep missing all my calls.” It could be “there was a car bomb,” “I found Osama,” etc.

I Won’t Be Left Dancing Alone to Songs from the Past: Tina, Alice and Shane are cruisin’ the ladies at Phyllis’s Coming Out Party at The Planet After Dark. Tina hates being single, but they’ll fix that — they see a hottie and decide for some reason to send Shane over to recruit. Tina thinks it’s just hard to find anyone after Bette. She actually said that in the jail scene, I just don’t feel like going back and correcting it there. Anyhoo. Tina doesn’t think she’s smart enough for this woman, who probs has won a Pulitzer or something. Tina, you’re smart, don’t let seven years with Super-Smart Bette get you down. OMG, I like Tina a little, what’s happening?

*

Dumbledorf is the Gay One: Joyce is introducing Phyllis to the lesbians of Academia, e.g., Harry Potter. Harry Potter says they’ve had their eyes on Phyllis for a while — they’re ready to take her off to Hogwarts to make magic w/all the lesbos.

The Devil Wears Dry-Cleaning Now I Said Now: Jenny wants rainbow-colored files for her office, so that each character has their own special color and folder. But Marissa allegedly needs to go to “church” the next morning and therefore cannot be her little bitch, like in jail. Jenny’s like, “Okay, see you at eight?” And then the girl is like “I won’t be there, ’cause I quit.” HOLLA! Marissa storms out and Jenny starts talking to herself about Marissa missing the opportunity of a lifetime to
investigate Jenny’s navel lint. One flew over Jenny’s cukoo nest, what’s that, what’s that in the light? Where am I?

Your Eyes Are so Beautiful It Hurts to Look at Them: Joyce is introducing Shane to the Lesbians of Academia. That sounds like a good calender. Anyone wanna be in it? I’m thinking lingerie and cute glasses, yeah? Shane meets Andrea who needs no introduction. I think she’s a new character, I’ve seen her picture. Anyhow, Shane wants this girl to meet Tina but the girl wants to meet Shane so Shane tells Tina that Andrea has a girlfriend, but Tina sees right through her, because Shane’s not that complicated. Then Paige shows up behind her and wants to know just one thing: why did Shane ask Jarod and her to move in with her? Also, she doesn’t want to take it outside. They can handle it right here, no need to build a new exterior set or miss out on the comedy gold provided by Alice and Tina in the background.

When Kristina exits, we give her our final evaluations:

My Girlfriend’s Back And You’re Gonna Be in Trouble: Tina and Bette are chatting while sitting super close — I don’t know if they do this because it’s easier to film or if this is meant to be their actual dynamic, and Jodi enters The Planet. Bette’s like “see ya,” to Tina — oh wait. No she’s not. She doesn’t say ANYTHING, she just gets up and saunters over to Jodi. You know, for a control freak, Bette’s really under Jodi’s control. And then Jenny comes over like the Spiderlady and plops down next to Tina. She busts out: “Wow, they’re really in love” while gazing at Jodi and Bette. What a twat, it’s amazing.

Bette and Jodi join the crowd, I think Bette just told Jodi “laugh like I just said something really funny.” Phyllis is totally freaking out about Joyce ’cause Joyce is writing a big fat check for the party and Joyce wants to settle down and is in love with her and Phyllis doesn’t know what she wants it’s the same thing she did with Leonard bla bla blaaa. Phyllis, you know, you’re kinda annoying. So, if Joyce loves you in spite of your incredibly escalating annoyance factor … then you know, go for it. Because there aren’t many ladies out there that’ll put up with you, you’re already giving me a headache, and I’m just watching your clips reel. Also; I love Cybill Shepard. I also love Pam Grier. It’s just they have weird characters.

Phyllis: “I don’t wanna settle down.”
Alice: “Play the field.”
Shane: “Go crazy.”
Phyllis: “I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna tell Joyce.”
[as if on cue, in that she is -- Joyce enters]
Joyce: “Oh! My lady.”
Alice: “Mr. Wishnia.”
Joyce: “If it isn’t the pillow princess.”
Alice: “And you are– sloppy seconds, right?”

Snappity snap snap. They’re playing really lame jazz music at this party. If I were Phyllis, I’d be pissed. Someone play Umbrella, STAT. They all toast to Phyllis and her coming out. I bet my Mom has some cute friends/exes for Phyllis.

*

Fix You Up: Bette and Jodi go back to Jodi’s place. Bette’s got it all set up nice, because she is wonderful. Jodi is not wonderful. She asks Bette if the table was too plain for her and Jodi says “I’ve never had a tablecloth before. Very fancy.” Really? Tablecloths? Fancy? They have tablecloths at the 4-H Fair. And at all you can eat Crab Leg restaurants in Florida. Jodi’s unhappy that Bette has done this to her space. “It’s MY SPACE,” she says. My Space, Our Chart, T is for Trouble.

Haviland: What did she say?
Riese: She said “this is my space.” You know, my space? Like myspace.com? My myspace?
Haviland: What if Bette was like, “Well, this is facebook, bitch!”
Riese: ... and punched her in the face?

That’d be awesome, if you like, came back from vacation and your girlfriend had hacked into your myspace and like, given you some baby goth template with bouncing stars and hearts and changed your Top 8 to people you barely even know let alone top and said your favorite music was Newfound Glory and Celine Dion? That’s the kind of thing I’d do for my girlfriend, if I had one, because at least that’d be funny.

I just have to say that this scene is really resembling Haviland and I’s parody of this scene, which makes us feel like Losers, or the Oracle of Delphi.

We think it’d be awesome if Jodi turned into a vampire and then just bit into Bette’s neck. Then we decide it’d be super-cool if the finale was a horror musical. Jodi’s got her hands on Bette’s stomach and I say that my stomach is a no-fly zone — like I don’t want anyone to touch my stomach ach! but Haviland says she loves when someone touches her stomach and I say not me, no stomach touching for me. This claim is disputed so then I have to take it back, apparently I love it. I learn something new about myself every day.

Also Jodi’s shirt is only acceptable for women who are, as they say, “with child.”

ARSON! ARSON!: Shane gets out of her jeep and heads over to Wax, where the whole thing’s on fire. That’s what happens if you use too much hairspray and then pass under an open flame. The fire marshall wants to know if she’s got any disgruntled employees or unhappy customers. I’ve had a lot of bad haircuts, I mean once a woman made my hair grey and then orange, and I’ve never burnt anything down. He says it was probs arson. Arson. Arson Arson!

The fire marshall asks if she has any enemies, any at all, anyone who’s upset with her for any reason? Shane says no, she doesn’t. This is the part where we realise Paige did it. What a psycho — really? That doesn’t seem like her. Shane is cool with letting bygones be bygones, I guess, she doesn’t want to press charges. That’s not really fair of Paige, ’cause she knew that Shane’d never press charges, ’cause that’s just not Shane’s style.

Carly points out that no one wears bras on this show. I never wear one at home, but it is a little weird that Tasha’s not wearing one. Oh well who cares, easy access. Alice goes “Aw, my soldier’s home!” and then we all die it’s so cute we can’t stand it. She wants to know why Tasha’s home and she’s like “what are you doing here?” and Tasha doesn’t answer. Trouble Trouble Trouble but who cares? They’re hot.

They are both in their underwear. This is beautiful. Go L Word, I love you.

Word.