The Real L Word is the best show on Television. It’s about real lesbians like you and me. Sometimes you can spot them from 50-100 feet away!
I was so excited for this week’s episode, I’d already wet my pants five times before even seeing the preview featuring a cage-dancing Sara wearing a gigantic doily stolen from Jenny Schecter’s Secret Attic. Laneia agreed with me that we hadn’t been this excited for the teevee since Max’s Baby Shower. See:
Riese: This is what I’m looking forward to: I just ordered Chinese food.
Laneia: Omg jealous.
Riese: It should be here in 10-15 minutes.
Laneia: Your life = good.
Riese: Also I am looking forward to Tracy Ryerson and Nat Garcia‘s photoshoot for Lucky Dog Leather with Jill Bennett and Cathy Debouno.
Laneia: Yes that Nat Garcia!
Riese: She’s a looker!
Laneia: If Nat intros herself as being from Autostraddle, I’ll down this beer.
Riese: YES. DRINKING GAME RULE.
Laneia: If Nat mentions AS, chug.
Today we open with everyone’s favorite party game, “Ask the lesbians questions they are already sick of answering!” This round is about 100-footers. No, not 20 five dollar foot-longs — good guess though!
A “100 footer” is someone you can tell is a lesbian from 100 feet away, like when you’re seated upstairs at a Tegan & Sara concert.
Q: What is a “hundred footer?”
Mikey: “Is it a description of my penis?”
Nikki: “A lesbian you can see from 100 feet away.”
Jill: “Sounds like a Subway sandwich.”
Tracy: “You can kinda guess but who knows now. They might be a hipster. They might be German. We like to play that game, “German or Gay.”
Laneia: Omg that was hilarious?
Riese: My mouth muscles moved into a position of smile & laugh?
Whitney says she is identifiable as homosexual from 50 feet while toting a hammer or fixing a fence. Or building fences around her heart!
Anyhow, based on the uniform described by the ladies, which includes: a crew cut, hipster pants, a strap-on, a flannel shirt, birkenstocks, something “1970’s San Francisco” and a hammer, Taylor was supposed to make you a doodle but there was some kind of technical difficulty so instead we have this photo from Getty Images described by Getty Images as “a lesbian with fairy wings.” I don’t know why this image is labeled “a lesbian with fairy wings,” but can only conclude that even G*d can tell she’s a lesbian, all the way from the sky.
If anyone wants to draw us that doodle, please do tell, you will win a free cuddle session with Taylor. Contest is closed! Wasteunit has kindly illustrated a “100-footer” so now you’ll know what Ilene is talking about. Awesome:
This “100 foot” question relates to the rest of the episode because this week, most of the cast members are totally blind in one or both eyes and repeatedly misidentify/mislabel humans/experiences/ideas, that are seemingly visible to the naked illiterate eye, as being much better than they truly are. You’ll see. Or will you?
The Real L Word: Things You Apparently Can’t Tell Just From Looking at Her Edition
In which our heroines seem to be blind in one or both eyes, as described above, or wearing sunglasses to bed because we ain’t seeing what they’re seeing:
1. Rose: “I’m being extremely good. I’m being a saint.”
2. Whitney: “That lace onesie is hot as FUCK.”
3. Whitney: “The other girls are like oh here I am, I’m ready for you — they’ve got it all out there. But Sara’s like, I’m not really sure…”
4. Mikey: “This would be the best space [for LA Fashion Week]… it’s a great location.”
Regardless, thank G-d this guy is paying attention:
We’re switching it up today and recapping character-by-character because: 1) I want to, 2) An error with how the screencaps were saved to my hard drive, which I won’t go into, because you should save your melancholy half-attentive moments for later, when Nikki reads her email out loud to Jill, 3) Unless Robert Altman is directing the last episode, these are all separate stories anyhow amirite? 4) For funsies.
All Dressed Down & Someplace to Go
Whitney’s going to San Francisco because Romi & Tor are both mad at her, so, you know — why not? That’s the same way I feel about going to get a spring roll, so I do. Then I return to the teevee.
Riese: What did I miss?
Laneia: Whitney’s going to San Francisco with Scarlett to see Sara!
Riese: I hope she goes to Alcatraz.
Tor, who’s totally over Whitney, agrees:
Whitney: “L.A.’s the place to live, but things get debaucherous in San Francisco. That’s all I have to say about that.”
I mean how much can you really say about something that doesn’t make sense, yannow?
Just Don’t Get All Harvey Milk On Me Now, Okay? I Want You Home in One Piece.
It’s an eight-hour drive, but luckily Whitney’s got eight girlfriends so there’s plenty to talk about between This American Life episodes! Like how Sara & Whitney are a lot alike and Whitney wants an all-night lovemaking session with Sara, like in the Boyz II Men song “I’ll Make Love To You.” There’s just! One! Problem!
Whitney: “Can I just do a handstand or something to keep this period from not coming out of my body because there is a lot to do in San Francisco…I wish there was some pill you could take to put it off for like a day.”
Actually, there is, it’s called Yasmin? Or really any birth control pill. Also, you never get preggers but are always depressed!
Whitney: “In lesbian sex you can be fucked if you have your period or the other girl has her period — until you get into a rotation where you’re kinda synced up, you’re kinda working with 2.5-3 weeks of good sexing. But you know what? Personally I don’t care. I’ve earned my red wings.”
Red Wings are a lot like sanitary pads with wings, except swap “tongue” for “sanitary pad,” take off all your clothes, do a handstand, and put down a towel.
Riese: My jaw just dropped.
Laneia: I’m biting my lips. Both of them. I look like my grandma
because of Whitney.
Riese: She made a good point about timing which I related to.
Laneia: I think that may’ve been the most honest thing that Whitney’s ever said. Ever.
Riese: I actually completely agree. She almost seemed like a real person during that conversation. Maybe it’s ’cause she was traveling with Scarlett, who AS FAR AS WE KNOW she has not hooked up with. Usually she announces that straight away —
Riese: I wish TOR’s name was “THOR.”
Laneia: Two types of people Whitney knows: those who’ve fucked her and those who haven’t.
The ladies arrive in San Francisco. After Mikey & Raquel skipping Bodies: The Exhibit at The Luxor while in Las Vegas, I hope to G-d that Whitney doesn’t skip The Beat Museum, but I have a feeling that she might. She seems preoccupied with the Museum of Whitney’s Face.
Definitely a Cullen
Very attractive people go to tonight’s party, Flourish, says Whitney, but tonight Whitney’s not one of those people ’cause her eyes “look like saggy vaginas,” which is a side effect of having excess vagina in your face/eye sockets. That’s okay, Scarlett will fix it with her Soft Butch Fairymakeupwand:
Laneia: WHAT DID SHE SPRAY ON HER FACE?!
Riese: Pepper spray I hope?
Scarlett’s not going out tonight ’cause one of the promoters is her ex-girlfriend, and also Scarlett has a cybersex date with me later.
Laneia: Whitney just said that Scarlett staying home from the party was ‘responsible’ and ‘adult’, so she does understand the concept. This is promising.
Riese: It is. Self-awareness could turn out to be a path. Like, to enlightenment.
All of Whitney’s good-looking friends are at Flourish! Um, we actually recognize some of Whitney’s friends, or rather, every episode seems chock-full of faces we recognize from various lesbian activities? Sometimes this show makes us nervous that the lesbian world is really, really small. Like, what if there aren’t that many lesbians in the world? Maybe they’re all just cranky and like to write their complaints about the world in books and on the internet so we end up hearing from ALL THE LESBIANS and therefore perceive there must be more where that came from, but maybe there isn’t. We thought there were more but it looks like probably there aren’t. Sorry.
Riese: ALL OF THE FRIENDS!
Laneia: All of them!
Whitney knows that this party is gonna be off the hook! Not ’cause of this part, which maybe was just b-roll, ‘CAUSE NOBODY MENTIONS IT:
But ’cause of the “lesbians taking pictures”…
Also you know, weird things like this. It’s lesbian cheek-eaters:
and “girls in cages, dancing”….
I Heard the Caged Bird Sing, and she said, “sex”:
Whitney describes the party as “a teenage boy’s wet dream.” This also applies to grown women with teenage boy personalities.
Laneia: Oh dear god.
Riese: Is this real?
Laneia: I want to cry. This is what happened at Truck Stop and I wanted to cry.
Back to Sara, the Lady of the Night…
Whitney: “Sara, of course, in her nature is go-go dancing tonight. Oh my God she is so hot. G0d has answered my prayers and those prayers came in a lace onesie.”
Yes I believe that’s in The Book of Revelation after the Horsemen of the Apocalypse arrive.
Whitney normally don’t get all jealous, but tonight that’s tough because she is coming in her pants/all over her tampon and just wants Sara in her bed. Or like, in the shower, whatevs. Whatever is available.
Everyone takes turns pointing at Sara like she’s got her fly unzipped. But this is a no-fly zone, people.
It’s a Bird!
Girl, that looks like a plane!
No, it’s just Go-Go-Gadget-Sara!
Lucky for us, or not, depending on how you look at it, Whitney gets to take Sara back to the hotel lobby which is after the after-party, according to a popular hip-hop song. It’s a brisk night for a semi-nude swim, isn’t it?
Pool Closed, Legs Wide Open
Now that we’re ALL WET we should probably go inside…
Sara, still feeling sea mammally, and Whitney, who might end up making her guest spot next week on That Time of the Month, is feeling feeling Sara naked in the shower and hey-o! Looks like we’re INVITED!
“Won’t this be special? We’ll get to have sex in front of the whole country!”
Yes! Just two girls, a boom guy, and the camera operator:
Riese: So THIS is how lesbians have sex. They hug in their underwear in the shower.
Laneia: WHY IS THE FUCKING CAMERA IN THE BATHROOM, there is NOT enough room in the bathroom for this shit.
Riese: oh my god
Laneia: OH MY GOD!
Riese: This is really weird
Someone discovered Garage Band and found the “cheap porn” track!
Laneia: omg the editing.
Riese: omg the music.
Laneia: I just screamed. And covered my eyes.
Riese: I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I’d prefer EZ Girl?
Here’s the real question of the day: why did we spend six years of L Word-watching feeling like Beavis and Butt-Head chanting DO IT DO IT DO IT ’cause we wanted everyone to disrobe and fuck….
… but now that it’s happening in The Real L Word, with actual people instead of actors, we aren’t like DO IT! We’re like, you know, THIS:
Which is actually how we feel watching anyone have sex on a reality show — gay, straight, or not. Like we’re invading? Also actors get paid more to disrobe. Reality stars don’t.
I’m Gonna Take Out my Tampon And Start Splashing Around
I think it’s gonna be a long long time…
The next night they all go out to dinner and the girls have that conversation about how they had crushes on their best friends when they were little girls. You know the one.
Whitney: “I would convince my girlfriends that we were practicing for boys, that was my excuse.”
Sara’s ready to one-up it with Sweet Fables of Pre-Pubescent Oral Sex Parties, which is gonna go over real well for our Image:
Then You Just Rub Your Nose in It Like a Bunny
This classic tale ends with a tinge of sadness, as Sara recounts how “Pamela” had three pubic hairs and therefore nobody wanted to go down on her and Pamela hid in the closet crying. Hahahaha!
Then one day, Pamela grew up, changed her name to Ilene Chaiken, and has been punishing the lesbians of America ever since. Or mysterious “Pamela” is watching this right now having PTSD. Sara’s a bully and I hate her.
Can girls fuck like boys do without feelings? Someone asks. Sara sure can! Despite her ability to be “intense and passionate” in the moment, she doesn’t get attached. Neither does Whitney. But regardless, Whitney prefers to be the one in control and if they’re both unattached, then nobody’s attached, and then IT’LL BE ANARCHY!
Riese: I feel like Whitney got her early-girl-kissing story from a magazine.
Laneia: Having sex like a man means that you don’t have a connection?
Riese: Right-o. Men and women, Venus, Mars. So different.
Whitney: “I can relate to [Sara’s ability to not get attached]. I’ve done similar things in the past. But I would hope that it wouldn’t happen to me.”
Look, It’s Your Hair, Okay? It’s Your Hair.
Whitney and Sara later hash this out mano-a-mano. Sara’s not in a rush. Whitney says that she has had other girls she’s hooked up with, but she’s feeling Sara the most.
Whitney: “Sara is the Queen of Mixed Messages.”
I guess that makes Whitney the King of Mixed Messages. And if she’s the king, she needs a crown, amirite?
Laneia: WHITNEY STOP TOUCHING YOUR HAIR STOP IT
Riese: Whitney, seriously? A therapist could crack this sitch open like an egg!
Laneia: Here’s how you DON’T tell someone that you have feelings for them: “I’ve slept with other girls, yeah, but–”
Riese: Basically she doesn’t feel safe unless the girl is completely maniacally obsessed with her? I used to do that. You should never do that. You can’t ever really be obsessed with a person anyhow.
Whitney: “I’ve let people in and trusted them only when I knew they felt more for me than I do them. You know, I don’t wanna get hurt. When you finally put yourself out there, you’re left hanging…” [THINKS!!].. And as I’m finally saying this, I’m realizing that I probably do this to girls myself.”
Let’s celebrate with GIANT GOBLETS OF POTION:
These Goblets Are Also Fit for a King
But what will happen when Sara and the girls/bois move to L.A.? Well, says Sara, there’s this girl Victoria who needs a place? Whitney starts laughing, and Scarlett looks cute in her hoodie:
Whitney: “Sara’s dead serious, she would absolutely live with Tor. Sara has no idea that Tor and I have hooked up in the past. But you know what fuck it! Why doesn’t Sara, Romi and Tor just get a house together! They’re all makeup artists and hairdressers, they’d probably have a lot in common!”
Haha that would be funny! Anyhow, have you noticed that “makeup artist/hairdresser” is to The Real L Word as “dancer/model” and “waitress” was to A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila?
Whitney says it’s been a successful trip. She fucked a girl in the shower, saw girls dance in cages, saw ALL THE FRIENDS, made a lot of toasts… Did she get her period though? Maybe we’ll find out next week.