Real L Word #105 Recap: Free Pass (To Do What I Want)

The Real L Word is the best show on Television. It’s about real lesbians like you and me. Sometimes you can spot them from 50-100 feet away!

I was so excited for this week’s episode, I’d already wet my pants five times before even seeing the preview featuring a cage-dancing Sara wearing a gigantic doily stolen from Jenny Schecter’s Secret Attic. Laneia agreed with me that we hadn’t been this excited for the teevee since Max’s Baby Shower. See:

Riese: This is what I’m looking forward to: I just ordered Chinese food.
Laneia: Omg jealous.
Riese: It should be here in 10-15 minutes.
Laneia: Your life = good.
Riese: Also I am looking forward to Tracy Ryerson and Nat Garcia‘s photoshoot for Lucky Dog Leather with Jill Bennett and Cathy Debouno.
Laneia: Yes that Nat Garcia!
Riese: She’s a looker!
Laneia: If Nat intros herself as being from Autostraddle, I’ll down this beer.
Riese: YES. DRINKING GAME RULE.
Laneia: If Nat mentions AS, chug.

TOO SOON, HELENA, TOO SOON

Today we open with everyone’s favorite party game, “Ask the lesbians questions they are already sick of answering!” This round is about 100-footers. No, not 20 five dollar foot-longs — good guess though!

A “100 footer” is someone you can tell is a lesbian from 100 feet away, like when you’re seated upstairs at a Tegan & Sara concert.

Q: What is a “hundred footer?”

Mikey: “Is it a description of my penis?”

Nikki: “A lesbian you can see from 100 feet away.
Jill: “Sounds like a Subway sandwich.”

Tracy: “You can kinda guess but who knows now. They might be a hipster. They might be German. We like to play that game, “German or Gay.”

Laneia: Omg that was hilarious?
Riese: My mouth muscles moved into a position of smile & laugh?

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Whitney says she is identifiable as homosexual from 50 feet while toting a hammer or fixing a fence. Or building fences around her heart!

Anyhow, based on the uniform described by the ladies, which includes: a crew cut, hipster pants, a strap-on, a flannel shirt, birkenstocks, something “1970’s San Francisco” and a hammer, Taylor was supposed to make you a doodle but there was some kind of technical difficulty so instead we have this photo from Getty Images described by Getty Images as “a lesbian with fairy wings.” I don’t know why this image is labeled “a lesbian with fairy wings,” but can only conclude that even G*d can tell she’s a lesbian, all the way from the sky.

If anyone wants to draw us that doodle, please do tell, you will win a free cuddle session with Taylor. Contest is closed! Wasteunit has kindly illustrated a “100-footer” so now you’ll know what Ilene is talking about. Awesome:

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This “100 foot” question relates to the rest of the episode because this week, most of the cast members are totally blind in one or both eyes and repeatedly misidentify/mislabel humans/experiences/ideas, that are seemingly visible to the naked illiterate eye, as being much better than they truly are. You’ll see. Or will you?

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The Real L Word: Things You Apparently Can’t Tell Just From Looking at Her Edition

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In which our heroines seem to be blind in one or both eyes, as described above, or wearing sunglasses to bed because we ain’t seeing what they’re seeing:

1. Rose: “I’m being extremely good. I’m being a saint.”

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2. Whitney: “That lace onesie is hot as FUCK.”

3. Whitney: “The other girls are like oh here I am, I’m ready for you — they’ve got it all out there. But Sara’s like, I’m not really sure…”

those are her legs in the "v"

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4. Mikey: “This would be the best space [for LA Fashion Week]… it’s a great location.”

it's a parking lot

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Regardless, thank G-d this guy is paying attention:


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We’re switching it up today and recapping character-by-character because: 1) I want to, 2) An error with how the screencaps were saved to my hard drive, which I won’t go into, because you should save your melancholy half-attentive moments for later, when Nikki reads her email out loud to Jill, 3) Unless Robert Altman is directing the last episode, these are all separate stories anyhow amirite? 4) For funsies.
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1. Whitney

All Dressed Down & Someplace to Go

Whitney’s going to San Francisco because Romi & Tor are both mad at her, so, you know — why not? That’s the same way I feel about going to get a spring roll, so I do. Then I return to the teevee.

Riese: What did I miss?
Laneia: Whitney’s going to San Francisco with Scarlett to see Sara!
Riese: I hope she goes to Alcatraz.

Tor, who’s totally over Whitney, agrees:

Whitney: “L.A.’s the place to live, but things get debaucherous in San Francisco. That’s all I have to say about that.”

I mean how much can you really say about something that doesn’t make sense, yannow?

Just Don’t Get All Harvey Milk On Me Now, Okay? I Want You Home in One Piece.

It’s an eight-hour drive, but luckily Whitney’s got eight girlfriends so there’s plenty to talk about between This American Life episodes! Like how Sara & Whitney are a lot alike and Whitney wants an all-night lovemaking session with Sara, like in the Boyz II Men song “I’ll Make Love To You.” There’s just! One! Problem!

Whitney: “Can I just do a handstand or something to keep this period from not coming out of my body because there is a lot to do in San Francisco…I wish there was some pill you could take to put it off for like a day.”

Actually, there is, it’s called Yasmin? Or really any birth control pill. Also, you never get preggers but are always depressed!

Whitney: “In lesbian sex you can be fucked if you have your period or the other girl has her period — until you get into a rotation where you’re kinda synced up, you’re kinda working with 2.5-3 weeks of good sexing. But you know what? Personally I don’t care. I’ve earned my red wings.”

Red Wings are a lot like sanitary pads with wings, except swap “tongue” for “sanitary pad,” take off all your clothes, do a handstand, and put down a towel.

Red Wings

Riese: My jaw just dropped.
Laneia: I’m biting my lips. Both of them. I look like my grandma
because of Whitney.
Riese: She made a good point about timing which I related to.
Laneia: I think that may’ve been the most honest thing that Whitney’s ever said. Ever.
Riese: I actually completely agree. She almost seemed like a real person during that conversation. Maybe it’s ’cause she was traveling with Scarlett, who AS FAR AS WE KNOW she has not hooked up with. Usually she announces that straight away —
Laneia: SARA
Riese: ROMI
Laneia: TORRRR
Riese: I wish TOR’s name was “THOR.”
Laneia: Two types of people Whitney knows: those who’ve fucked her and those who haven’t.

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The ladies arrive in San Francisco. After Mikey & Raquel skipping Bodies: The Exhibit at The Luxor while in Las Vegas, I hope to G-d that Whitney doesn’t skip The Beat Museum, but I have a feeling that she might. She seems preoccupied with the Museum of Whitney’s Face.

Definitely a Cullen

Very attractive people go to tonight’s party, Flourish, says Whitney, but tonight Whitney’s not one of those people ’cause her eyes “look like saggy vaginas,” which is a side effect of having excess vagina in your face/eye sockets. That’s okay, Scarlett will fix it with her Soft Butch Fairymakeupwand:

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Laneia: WHAT DID SHE SPRAY ON HER FACE?!
Riese: Pepper spray I hope?

Scarlett’s not going out tonight ’cause one of the promoters is her ex-girlfriend, and also Scarlett has a cybersex date with me later.

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Laneia: Whitney just said that Scarlett staying home from the party was ‘responsible’ and ‘adult’, so she does understand the concept. This is promising.
Riese: It is. Self-awareness could turn out to be a path. Like, to enlightenment.

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All of Whitney’s good-looking friends are at Flourish! Um, we actually recognize some of Whitney’s friends, or rather, every episode seems chock-full of faces we recognize from various lesbian activities? Sometimes this show makes us nervous that the lesbian world is really, really small. Like, what if there aren’t that many lesbians in the world? Maybe they’re all just cranky and like to write their complaints about the world in books and on the internet so we end up hearing from ALL THE LESBIANS and therefore perceive there must be more where that came from, but maybe there isn’t. We thought there were more but it looks like probably there aren’t. Sorry.

Riese: ALL OF THE FRIENDS!
Laneia: All of them!

Whitney knows that this party is gonna be off the hook! Not ’cause of this part, which maybe was just b-roll, ‘CAUSE NOBODY MENTIONS IT:

But ’cause of the “lesbians taking pictures”…

Also you know, weird things like this. It’s lesbian cheek-eaters:

and “girls in cages, dancing”….

I Heard the Caged Bird Sing, and she said, “sex”:

Whitney describes the party as “a teenage boy’s wet dream.” This also applies to grown women with teenage boy personalities.

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Laneia: Oh dear god.
Riese: Is this real?
Laneia: I want to cry. This is what happened at Truck Stop and I wanted to cry.

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Back to Sara, the Lady of the Night…

Whitney: “Sara, of course, in her nature is go-go dancing tonight. Oh my God she is so hot. G0d has answered my prayers and those prayers came in a lace onesie.”

Yes I believe that’s in The Book of Revelation after the Horsemen of the Apocalypse arrive.

Whitney normally don’t get all jealous, but tonight that’s tough because she is coming in her pants/all over her tampon and just wants Sara in her bed. Or like, in the shower, whatevs. Whatever is available.

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Everyone takes turns pointing at Sara like she’s got her fly unzipped. But this is a no-fly zone, people.

It’s a Bird!

Girl, that looks like a plane!

No, it’s just Go-Go-Gadget-Sara!

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Lucky for us, or not, depending on how you look at it, Whitney gets to take Sara back to the hotel lobby which is after the after-party, according to a popular hip-hop song. It’s a brisk night for a semi-nude swim, isn’t it?

Pool Closed, Legs Wide Open

Now that we’re ALL WET we should probably go inside…

Sara, still feeling sea mammally, and Whitney, who might end up making her guest spot next week on That Time of the Month, is feeling feeling Sara naked in the shower and hey-o! Looks like we’re INVITED!

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“Won’t this be special? We’ll get to have sex in front of the whole country!”

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Yes! Just two girls, a boom guy, and the camera operator:

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Riese: So THIS is how lesbians have sex. They hug in their underwear in the shower.
Laneia: WHY IS THE FUCKING CAMERA IN THE BATHROOM, there is NOT enough room in the bathroom for this shit.
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Riese: oh my god
Laneia: OH MY GOD!
Riese: This is really weird

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Someone discovered Garage Band and found the “cheap porn” track!
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Laneia: omg the editing.
Riese: omg the music.
Laneia: I just screamed. And covered my eyes.
Riese: I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I’d prefer EZ Girl?
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Here’s the real question of the day: why did we spend six years of L Word-watching feeling like Beavis and Butt-Head chanting DO IT DO IT DO IT ’cause we wanted everyone to disrobe and fuck….

… but now that it’s happening in The Real L Word, with actual people instead of actors, we aren’t like DO IT! We’re like, you know, THIS:

Which is actually how we feel watching anyone have sex on a reality show — gay, straight, or not. Like we’re invading? Also actors get paid more to disrobe. Reality stars don’t.

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I’m Gonna Take Out my Tampon And Start Splashing Around

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I think it’s gonna be a long long time…

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The next night they all go out to dinner and the girls have that conversation about how they had crushes on their best friends when they were little girls. You know the one.

Whitney: “I would convince my girlfriends that we were practicing for boys, that was my excuse.”

Sara’s ready to one-up it with Sweet Fables of Pre-Pubescent Oral Sex Parties, which is gonna go over real well for our Image:

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Like this!

Then You Just Rub Your Nose in It Like a Bunny

This classic tale ends with a tinge of sadness, as Sara recounts how “Pamela” had three pubic hairs and therefore nobody wanted to go down on her and Pamela hid in the closet crying. Hahahaha!

Then one day, Pamela grew up, changed her name to Ilene Chaiken, and has been punishing the lesbians of America ever since. Or mysterious “Pamela” is watching this right now having PTSD. Sara’s a bully and I hate her.

Can girls fuck like boys do without feelings? Someone asks. Sara sure can! Despite her ability to be “intense and passionate” in the moment, she doesn’t get attached. Neither does Whitney. But regardless, Whitney prefers to be the one in control and if they’re both unattached, then nobody’s attached, and then IT’LL BE ANARCHY!

Riese: I feel like Whitney got her early-girl-kissing story from a magazine.
Laneia: Having sex like a man means that you don’t have a connection?
Riese: Right-o. Men and women, Venus, Mars. So different.

Whitney: “I can relate to [Sara’s ability to not get attached]. I’ve done similar things in the past. But I would hope that it wouldn’t happen to me.”

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Look, It’s Your Hair, Okay? It’s Your Hair.

Whitney and Sara later hash this out mano-a-mano. Sara’s not in a rush. Whitney says that she has had other girls she’s hooked up with, but she’s feeling Sara the most.

Whitney: “Sara is the Queen of Mixed Messages.”

I guess that makes Whitney the King of Mixed Messages. And if she’s the king, she needs a crown, amirite?

Sir Mixed-Messages-A-Lot

Laneia: WHITNEY STOP TOUCHING YOUR HAIR STOP IT
Riese: Whitney, seriously? A therapist could crack this sitch open like an egg!
Laneia: Here’s how you DON’T tell someone that you have feelings for them: “I’ve slept with other girls, yeah, but–”
Riese: Basically she doesn’t feel safe unless the girl is completely maniacally obsessed with her? I used to do that. You should never do that. You can’t ever really be obsessed with a person anyhow.

Whitney: “I’ve let people in and trusted them only when I knew they felt more for me than I do them. You know, I don’t wanna get hurt. When you finally put yourself out there, you’re left hanging…” [THINKS!!].. And as I’m finally saying this, I’m realizing that I probably do this to girls myself.”

Self-awareness!

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Let’s celebrate with GIANT GOBLETS OF POTION:

These Goblets Are Also Fit for a King

But what will happen when Sara and the girls/bois move to L.A.? Well, says Sara, there’s this girl Victoria who needs a place? Whitney starts laughing, and Scarlett looks cute in her hoodie:

Whitney: “Sara’s dead serious, she would absolutely live with Tor. Sara has no idea that Tor and I have hooked up in the past. But you know what fuck it! Why doesn’t Sara, Romi and Tor just get a house together! They’re all makeup artists and hairdressers, they’d probably have a lot in common!”

Haha that would be funny! Anyhow, have you noticed that “makeup artist/hairdresser” is to The Real L Word as “dancer/model” and “waitress” was to A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila?

Whitney says it’s been a successful trip. She fucked a girl in the shower, saw girls dance in cages, saw ALL THE FRIENDS, made a lot of toasts… Did she get her period though? Maybe we’ll find out next week.


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Next: It’s time for Tracy’s photoshoot and Jill & Nikki’s kitchen table!

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Riese is the 33-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1795 articles for us.

56 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

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    Ooof. Riese you’re hilarious and I *love* reading these recaps but the pics—renders these posts NSFW for me. Saddening because my guffawing was making my coworkers jealous and they annoy me so I was pleased to antagonize them.

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    “Then one day, Pamela grew up, changed her name to Ilene Chaiken, and has been punishing the lesbians of America ever since.”

    Brilliant. Also, I would probs watch Office Max: The Musical if they changed the words of pop songs to be about office supplies and rolled around on fancy office chairs. It could be funny, right? The NeoFuturists did a mini musical called Cubicle Man and it was fantastic.

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    Man, this show would be 100% better and watchable if they would add Angel from Rent, someone get on that! I can’t take this anymore.

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    Feeling #1: For whatever reason, in a recap full of hilarity, this line was the one that totally made me lose it and have to start fake coughing to cover up my real laughing at my desk:

    “Riese: Timelss snack.”

    Feeling #2: WHAT is UP with all the BEANIES on this show? Is this a look that people wear?! Where I live people do not constantly (or maybe ever) walk around in hats that somebody spaced out and forgot to stop knitting and it is not even as warm here as in Los Angeles.

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      i think it’s a thing. i used to wear beanies all the time for like three years because i thought i was a skater. now i look back on those photos and want to hit myself on the head, but i’m not wearing a beanie anymore so i can’t

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        When I thought I was a skater I just wore giant boys’ pants all the time but that only lasted a few months and I never learned any skateboard tricks beyond being able to stay upright while going down steep hills. Maybe things would’ve been different if I’d tapped into the Power of the Beanie.

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          i’ve been on two trips to LA for work this summer and all I can say is… lezzers in beanies = hot trend in fashion (just like feather earrings, apparently)

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    <3 <3 Geordie LaForge <3 <3
    you just had to bring him up again and those memories of the days when we were little girls and used to pretend our headbands were visors.

    sigh.

    seriously though, dudes, Natalie might be annoying and whiny at times, but I got her this episode. you get that way easily when you date someone who is as careless as Rose, or who expects you to always be in a good mood around them.
    and what a way to handle the situation. they should all join group therapy, supervised by Stamie and Alyssa, maybe?

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      that’s a good point about rose/natalie… i feel that we haven’t seen enough of either side to really judge or whatnot.

      which i guess is sort of the larger thing with “the real l word” that i try not to think about when recapping lest i get all cranky again, but we don’t really know these people — in a scripted show, the writers make conscious choices of what to tell us about each character so that we understand the character’s role in the action. a good writer only leaves questions where there’s plenty of room for the audience to draw their own conclusions — where the unanswered questions can’t be answered with things that would obliterate the writer’s intent/story.

      but with reality tv, editors are attempting to create solid portraits which prevent us from asking any questions at all. it’s more a matter of emphasizing certain things, or leaving out key elements — shaping a personality — and a lot of creative editing, according to cast blogs and stuff.

      i don’t even know what i was talking about anymore. oh, people should stop fighting and maybe start an ice cream truck or something, i think that would be fun

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    Can someone please tell Jill and Nikki how frakkin fugly the wedding dresses drawings are? I’m offended that someone with no drawing skills whatsoever would “draw” this shit and say it’s worth 6000$. I can give the name of at least 50 people who could design something 1 million times better and have it done for a better price. Seriously, what the fuck!

    Also Rose is a disgrace, and her girlfriend is no less pathetic either… I don’t think even good editing can hide that from us…

    and Ok, am I the only one who was offended with the German comment at the beginning? Seriously discriminating, and such a funny joke for a L.A. lesbian who doesn’t see much further than her own nose…

    Overall this show makes me sad, because again, anyone who watches it will get this funky idea of what lesbian life is and it’s also offending even if, somehow, I can’t really explain why…

    Voila :D

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    I am glad I am not bothering to watch TRLW, not because of programme quality reasons, but because I don’t want to spoil the recaps, particularly the repartee between Reise and Laneia which contain some of the most viscerally despairing lines I have ever witnessed on the internet. My fave today:

    I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I’d prefer EZ Girl?

    Also, I hope that Whitney gets a new hat every week.

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    Oh this show could only gain from a 30 minute puppy break, similar to the puppy bowl in the middle of superbowl.
    Good recapping.
    The tv was on and people were talking but I can’t say I was listening. Especially the wedding parts -complete disinterest in their first world problems

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    good recap!
    i kinda love this show, it makes me smile… and that’s enough
    i dont like u recaping it non chronological though
    cuz im not from the US and I usually watch 10 minutes – read recap – next 10 minutes – read recap and so on…
    couldnt do that on this one, and IT SUCKED!
    jajaj

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    This week while during my s+m session, I realized that Jill is actually really cute. She just has stupid LA hair. Also who is naming these episodes? Are they just picking words out of a hat because they have NOTHING to do with what is happening (which I know isn’t much but come on). I want to name the next one “cantalope” and then make the opening question be about the pros and cons of big weddings and eloping and also ask them about their favorite fruits.

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    okay not to sound like a bee-otch, but how in Hades is Mikey the leading lady of LA fashion week when she dresses the way I did in 2002 (when I was in SEVENTH GRADE)? I’m all about some mechanic-chic, but sweetheart this is 2010… get some skinny jeans and a black v-neck t-shirt at the very least :)

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    Autostraddle is brilliant! For the record, I did say, “Autostraddle” 77 times on camera during the Bound shoot. I wasn’t the editor,
    But I will say it now….”Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle””Autostraddle”

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      that IS a lot of shots! And here’s fun fact for everyone who didn’t actually see the show but read the recap: in addition to missing Nat’s 77 Autostraddles, the editors didn’t actually mention Nat, Jill or Cathy by name, nor did they mention lucky dog leather or jill & cathy’s show. We just pretended like they did when we wrote the recap because we wished they had. We’re tricky like that. Who knows what else we’re capable of.

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    “Riese: If she says LA FASHION WEEK one more time, I am quitting.
    Laneia: Add it to the drinking game!
    Riese: Every time Mikey says “LA Fashion Week,” take a drink. Done.”

    You would definitely be shitfaced about two minutes into Mikey’s segment. Every. Single. Show. God forbid you’re doing a marathon & playing the drinking game at the same time. :)

    Meanwhile, can we blame the boringness on editing? I mean, it isn’t possible for ALL of the characters to be doing this on purpose. Right? Right? Cause I want to like most them. I really, really do.

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