Read A F*cking Book: Rae Spoon’s “First Spring Grass Fire”

Rae Spoon needed two things: a voice and a home.

A personal narrative that is as sincere as it is pulverizing, Rae Spoon’s First Spring Grass Fire is the transgender singer-songwriter’s first published foray into prose. A story of escape, liberation and love, there is no need for Spoon to fictionalize in order to make us believe in the impossible. As a survivor of an abusive father, an isolating pentecostal background and a sheltered community, their own successful attempt to arrive at self-acceptance and self-love is enough to convince us that nothing ever is impossible in the first place.

[BUY THE BOOK]

Spoon was born into girlhood and quickly realized it was as ill-fitting as their sister’s hand-me-downs. But the story can’t end there. Told in the first person, First Spring Grass Fire is a series of memories from Rae’s childhood in Alberta, Canada, delivered in the form of chapters that read like short stories and that add up to, and make possible, their eventual understanding of who they are – without everybody else’s expectations. As Rae navigates a misleading and frustrating adolescence as female, they tell of each step toward the eventual end of that forced identity with poignancy and perfect hindsight. Leaving nothing out and saving no face, the book takes on gender, homophobia, and ignorance in the first-person without looking back. It’s an honest account of how it feels to unprogram yourself from our world and how difficult it is to make sense of it at all. Within this book exists multiple journeys, each told with a forgiving nostalgia for a place the author never got around to understanding as “home,” including a wrestling with religious faith and the beginning of a new life.

“Billy Graham stopped singing. Looking out over the crowd around the stage, he exclaimed, with sweat pouring down his face and a tremor in his voice, that hwaven was going to be exactly like this meeting, like church, only it would never end. It would go on for eternity.

This was the beginning of doubt for me.”

As a coming-of-age novel, First Spring Grass Fire is one of the most honest and most brutal. With emotional passages about abuse and long-winded tales of attempts at safety and pride, it’s one more well-suited for queers than the kind we grew up with; less about men in cars driving to their eventual emancipation and more about what it’s like to be completely surrounded and stuck and make it out in one piece anyway. It’s a unique story with a common heart. It’s an aching to belong and to be comfortable. It’s growing up.

when I play the tape I gave her fifteen years ago I cringe at how young I sounded, but I can also hear the terrified teenager that she heard. I can see what made her pick up the phone.”

First Spring Grass Fire is about the small-town queer who survives, the long road to being okay, questioning your faith, and questioning your world. It’s short but decidedly not sweet, quick but not easy. A tell-all tale of gender, sexuality, identity and self-love, this book will remind anyone who kept going how bittersweet it was to finally get there and serve as proof to the rest of us that it’s never too late to start packing.

To check out Rae’s book tour dates, simply go to their website. Here’s looking at you, Halifax!

Avatar of Carmen

Carmen is the Deputy Straddleverse Editor and Feminism Editor at Autostraddle. She's mother to the most adorable dog on Earth and hates paying more than one dollar for a good slice of pizza. At times, she self-identifies as "the baddest bitch." You should follow her on Twitter and Tumblr because it makes her feel good about herself when people do.

Carmen has written 563 articles for us.

9 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    I once ran into Rae Spoon while hanging out in the queer community in my town. I had never squealed at anyone on the street before but it happened when I saw Rae.

    I remember we talked briefly and I might have blacked out slightly during the conversation. But it was amazing and I was giddy for weeks afterwards :/

    I can’t wait to see Gender Failure. Rae and Ivan are perfect together when they’re performing live.

  2. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    I adore Rae Spoon. I had the opportunity to open for Rae at a small house show in Guelph last year and it was just so sweet. Rae is a gem of an artist and human being, and we’re both from Alberta.

    I wish I could buy this book, but I live in Africa right now… I also just have a kobo, not a kindle.

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.