The season finale of the shiny-haired teen-lesbian mystery/comedy/drama Pretty Little Liars is finally here and “A is for Answers,” promises to finally put a couple pieces together. And thank fucking god too because I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out what the hell happened to Alison ever since she popped up all not dead. Wait. No. I’ve been scratching my head since EzrA turned out to be even creepier than we thought and Spencer suddenly had a history of drug addiction that we never knew about. Actually I’ve been pretty confused since Jenna was not blind but then blind again but also a lesbian. Except for I was really confused before that because MonA was A and totally psychotic and then she all of a sudden wasn’t A and she was totally lucid. Well actually things have been pretty confusing ever since Maya died and left behind a video journal everyone forgot about. And since Samara and her gaggle of teen lesbians disappeared into thin air. Whatever happened to her anyways?
Okay. Hold on. I think, really, I’ve just been confused ever since the Liars got that goddamn text in the first episode:
Well now, supposedly, we’re going to know everything! Or at least a part of everything as the promos promise that, finally, “Alison tells all.”
I can’t say exactly what this episode will hold, or what crazy shit Alison will reveal, but I definitely think some serious lesbian shit is going down. Between Paige’s little tip to the police and Paily’s subsequent breakup, it’s obvious that something is going to happen with Paige. Besides, we already know she’s kind of a loose cannon. Plus the other Liars have already been betrayed by their significant other. Well I guess not Hanna, but that’s only because Caleb had to leave for a magical ghost world; America was just not prepared for a character as lesbian as Caleb. What I’m saying is that something’s happening with Paige. I don’t know if she killed Ali, or is getting real dead herself tonight, but I feel fairly confident she will be prominently featured in all of her shaky, shady eyed, needy, neurotic, obsessive, moody, baby gay glory.
Here are some more predictions/conspiracy theories just to get you guys warmed up:
- Mrs. DiLaurentis accidentally (thought she) killed Alison after slapping her because Alison said she was pregnant
- The girl who went missing a few towns over is the one they eventually found in Alison’s clothing and buried in her grave. Alison arranged all that.
- Spencer put on a blonde wig the night Alison went missing and that’s who everyone saw.
- Spencer actually has a twin sister no one knows about which is why her behavior doesn’t make any sense and she doesn’t remember things people say they saw her doing.
- Spencer and Jason hooked up while they were both messed up which is why their parents never want them speaking (this show does love incest).
- All of the things Spencer is remembering are actually implanted hallucinations.
- Wren is A. I just really think he is.
- Prior to writing his manuscript, Ezra was already involved with the Liars as one of the guys involved with Jason and Ian distributing videos of the underage girls.
- Paige is A and she did it all for Emily’s heart.
- Jenna is A and she did it all for Emily’s heart.
- Shana is A and she did it all for Emily’s heart.
- Samara is A and she did it all for Emily’s heart.
- Emily is A and she did it because, fuck it, why the hell not.
- Samara is the girl buried in Ali’s grave.
- Samara and her gaggle of teen lesbians from one town over finally show back up, they were just at a really long Tegan and Sara concert.
- Finally getting the chance to prove her worth as a lawyer, Emily proves that Chutney killed her own father by revealing her alibi is a lie because everyone knows that you can’t shower after you have a perm.
Well if any of these things happen, I’m not going to be the one getting all the good moments spoiled by Tumblr. I’ll be right here in on my couch at 8pm EST savoring every juicy moment and back here later tonight with a lesbian feelings update!
Update [spoiler alert]:
Well guys we’ve been hoodwinked again. Yup, another episode promising answers and for every one answer we got a hundred new questions. Plus no lezzie action! No Samara back from wherever the hell she’s been. No Maya from the dead. Not even a heartbroken Paige riding in on her bicycle with a tupperware of kale. L’sigh.
But don’t worry, we did get a hefty dose of Alison just as promised. While she didn’t exactly tell all, she definitely tied up at least a few loose ends.
So exactly what questions got answered? Let’s recap, in no particular order, some answers we got tonight:
- The trip Alison was on was with Ian for a little romantic getaway. Snooze.
- Ezra and Alison never hooked up, but he did find out that she was still in high school the night she went missing.
- Alison drugged her friends with sleeping pills.
- Noel Khan knows Alison is alive and is one of the people who has been helping her.
- Jessica DiLaurentis knows who (she thought) killed Alison.
- Jessica DiLaurentis buried Alison.
- Alison was the dark figure who pushed Ian off the bell tower.
- Mona always had a creepy Lair
- Spencer didn’t kill anyone. She’s just a girl who likes to tote around a shovel sometimes.
- Melissa knows who killed the girl in Alison’s grave.
- Cece knows Alison is alive and who killed the girl in her grave.
- Hanna doesn’t think quickly enough to shoot a guy in the foot.
- No one cares about lesbians on TV.
I’m most excited to finally find out that Alison pushed Ian from the bell tower. That question has been haunting us since the first season! I was also quite pleased to hear that Alison drugged Aria and Hanna. I always wondered how they slept like rocks all night long while the rest of the town went to shit.
Other new developments included Cece finally getting arrested, the whole Hastings family (including Melissa) getting interrogated and Jessica DiLaurentis getting killed, dragged and buried!
Wait. Did I forget to mention the biggest cliff hanger of them all?! Ezra was shot in the stomach!
Just fulling the PLL season finale quota for a Liar’s significant others in mortal danger! There’s gotta be one each season or abcFamily loses their Shocking Conclusion Cred.
In other news, Ravenswood got canceled so Caleb’s coming back! Get your Home Depot gift cards and matching cat snuggies ready because that between the Paily breakup fallout and Caleb’s return next season is bound to be fun for the whole family! As long as that family is comprised exclusive of teenage girls or fully functional adult lesbians.
Next season, I’m predicting we’ll find out Jessica DiLaurentis was killed by her own evil identical twin sister. An evil twin sister who lived at Radley thus explaining why Jessica DiLaurentis is on the board. An evil twin sister who tried to kill Ali. An evil twin sister who also had a daughter who would look a hell of a lot like Alison who eventually got murdered and ended up buried in Alison’s grave! What can I say? Just my latest theory! See you next season!