Welcome to the latest installment of the world’s favorite show about teenage girls finding love and also murderers in the dark, dark world of small town, upper-class Pennsylvania. Also, we find out who A might be, like we’ve found out ten times before. Only this time, the answer makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE. In the eternal words of Forever Intern Grace, “if after all that Ezra turns out to be right about A, I’m going to scream.”
We begin with Spencer after her three day rehab stint, which seems pretty short but I don’t know how amphetamine rehab works, I only know how Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab works and also I saw 28 Days once so I feel confident that I know nothing about rehabilitation facilities. Spencer begins having more flashbacks about what happened the night of Ali’s fake-murder, which will definitely get more interesting as the episode progresses.
We also find out that Spencer gets a life and sobriety coach who is a twenty-something male staying in the barn so I give it like one episode until he’s in love with her. Spencer also has to give up all of her electronics, can’t go to school and can’t see the other Liars. Oh, and pee tests.
Meanwhile, in Syracuse under the guise of prospective student week, Aria’s living the sweet life at some frat parties, making out with random men she has no on-screen chemistry with.
Instead of going on a tour, Riley, the new guy who will only last twenty minutes of this episode, takes her out for a day on the town which will later just turn into them having sex and then sitting on a dock, but we’ll get to that more in a minute.
Emily and Hanna are at school and they witness Mike and Mona having a fight. Guess who else witnesses this?
Ezra, looking so creepy I can’t take it anymore. Emily’s like, “I’m going to go murder Ezra, wanna come?” and Hanna’s like:
THEN, in the most badass move ever, Emily goes into Ezra’s classroom and tells him off in the best possible way, asking him what he got out of tutoring her and being there for her.
It’s like that speech your parents give you about not being angry, but disappointed, and it makes you feel about two inches tall. It’s perfect.
At the brew, Hanna runs into Officer Holbrook, who asks her if she has seen the envelope Paige gave him about Alison being alive. Dammit, Paige.
She’s never seen it before, but he doesn’t believe her. Why is he so convinced it was her?
Aria’s in a room with Riley and they talk about actually nothing except how drunk they got last night and how hungover they are, which you think is a cool thing to talk about when you’re underage but actually it’s kind of annoying.
Granted, Aria’s really hungover at 4pm, which is just super impressive to me.
Spencer climbs into bed at night and finds a pile of dirt at her feet with a note from A.
This is one of my favorite A moves to date and also really fucking scared me to the point where I was entirely convinced there’d be something just like this at the foot of my bed. I was safe, but ugh.
Hanna asks Emily about the letter Holbrook showed them. Emily has no idea who would give it to the police. Dammit, Paige. Oh and Buzzcut asks Hanna out on a date.
Later, Officer Holbrook and Lt. Tanner corner Hanna on the street to harrass her a little more but she doesn’t give in. For once, Hanna’s not lying to the police! I know, it’s surprising, for sure. Lt. Tanner doesn’t believe the glue, but Gabe — I’m sorry, Officer Holbrook — does.
Back at Spencer’s house of sobriety, Dean the life coach is making her drink green juice, which is also a nightmare of mine. Poor Spencer. He gives her a talk about healthy body, healthy mind blah blah blah.
She seizes the opportunity to steal the phone and call Toby, but he’s not answering. Also, she gets caught. Nice job.