Is there anything on the planet more exciting than the season premiere of Pretty Little Liars?! There is! It’s the winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars!! After months and months with only a mid-October Halloween Spooktacular to hold us over, the “most tweeted show in America” is finally returning to us!
We’re three and a half seasons in and if you haven’t figured out what’s going on by now I couldn’t possibly catch you up. Couldn’t possibly. But just in case you’re playing from home and need a quick reminder, when we last saw our Liars they were trying to stay abreast with the goings on of A and stalked about Ravenswood until eventually they found Ali and chatted up her totally living face.
Unfortunately little do the Liars know that EzrA is actually A. Well the latest A to be revealed after Mona, Toby, Spencer, Lucas, Melissa, Wilden and Cece. Also Caleb fell in love with a ghost in Ravenswood on his spin-off sereies Ravenswood but that’s another story for another day.
We open on a dark and stormy night in Rosewood—actually, I think in Rosewood you just call that a regular night—where the Liars are discussing the question that plagues all of us: where the fuck has Alison been all this time?
Maybe she’s been off addicted to Candy Crush!
Or maybe she’s been training for the Winter Olympics!
Although based on Brittney Griner’s instagram I think she’s BG’s new secret girlfriendnotgirlfriend.
Wait. I am so dumb. Season 4a ended at the end of August… Alison must have been at October A-Camp!
Well that settles that for me, but I suppose not for the Liars. They bicker about Ali’s whereabouts, but I’m too distracted to make sense of it because, holy shit, Emily’s sweatshirt and shorts combo. I could die right here. And not just because the thought of wearing shorts and a T-shirt right now literally freezes me to death.
The Liars are sort of… not really that happy that Alison is back. I would say they’re decidedly unhappy. Probably because she’s been potentially fucking with them for like two years and they’ve already attended like two funerals, one memorial and at least one fashion show in her memory.
We then move on to speculation about who Ali is scared of. We all know it’s probably EzrA who’s probably Big A who’s probably Board Shorts who’s probably also Gossip Girl.
Side note: if EzrA is Board Shorts or knew Alison before she died then he probably knew Aria before he met her in the bar.
Which means that this scene:
turns into this scene:
The next morning/week/month the Liars head to the crypt where Alison’s remains were buried. It’s important that they be there, you see, so Hanna can set up a theory that will carry the girls throughout this half of the season.
If Alison is alive than someone else was found under the gazebo in her yard and someone else is in her box in the crypt. Who the fuck is in that box? Box box box. Who’s in the box. Box. Vagina.
Finding the girl who actually died is the key to unlocking what the fuck is going on. I hope it’s Samara. That would explain why a lesbian ex dropped off the face of the planet and hasn’t reeappeared to cause drama.
I have a theory too: I think the writers and I. Marlene King are so confused and have written themselves into so many corners that now they just read through Tumblr until they find a fan’s plausible A theory. Then they just re-write that fan’s most recent fanfic into the next episode. Genius.
One. Week. Later. (Aka enough time for everything on Ravenswood to take place.)
Emily pops by to see Alison’s psycho pastel mother, Jessica DiLaurentis. Remember, Jessica is the woman who redecorated Alison’s room to look exactly as she left it in so bizarre attempt to pretend her daughter is still alive (which she is, apparently). Today is no exception. Fresh linens and sheets for her daughter who she Definitely Doesn’t Think Is Secretly Alive.
Emily asks about Jason and Jessica says he’s off on a road trip but if there’s an emergency she has his contact information. Most of us just call this a cell phone number.
At her house, Hanna googles “teen girl gets super dead in Pennsylvania.” Before she can read the results, Ashley Marin walks in and the two have a heart to heart about how Ashley definitely didn’t kill Wilden but still can’t find a job. Also Hanna’s dad wants to take her to Australia which she sooooo does not want to do because idk she’s an idiot or something. Ashley really thinks she should do this because Australia is awesome and we haven’t seen Hanna’s weird step-sister in a while.
At school Aria, Emily and Spencer discuss whether Jessica DiLaurentis is sort of completely crazy or completely completely crazy. Just then some caveman shows up in a gold truck and everyone vomits everywhere. Mona agrees and almost hits Toby and Spencer with her car.
At school Lesbian Paige and Lesbian Emily have lunch together. Lesbian Paige wants to tell Lesbian Emily all about her new found love of her hair straightener, but all Lesbian Emily wants to do is kegels.
Thus began the most realistic depiction of lesbian fighting on TV ever written in the history or TV or, quite possibly, the history of writing.
I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t been on both ends of that conversation. That doesn’t make it any less crazy or mind boggling when you happen to be the Paige in this situation.
In the halls Mona tromps up to Hanna and asks if she wants to take a victory ride in Jenna’s old mustang. I guess Mona bought it or something.
I can’t remember why Mona thinks they’re friends again, particularly because they are certainly in competition for whose outfit is most likely to be featured in an upcoming Hunger Games movie. My money is on Mona.
In class, shit gets so meta that I can’t even handle what’s going on here. Ezra discusses the novella Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and the idea that everyone knows the plot but not the story. The original writing was so amazing that the book became and classic and then, inevitably a cliché.
So yes, not only is EzrA presenting to the Liars a story about a man with two sides—one moral and one amoral—the writers are self-aware enough to point out that this plot device is an old cliché that probably makes the viewers want to roll their eyes. Perhaps not just the cliché of a man with a double life but also because Ezra being A is just a little too much of a “The Butler Did It” situation.
More than that, this storyline is totally overdone even on Pretty Little Liars. Toby and Mona were both significant others/BFFs who turned out to be A! Still, here I feel like the writers are saying, “Just wait. We will get you on this one in the end.”
Also, for the record, Ezra is writing on the board “You must suffer me to go my own dark way,” as passage from the novella. In case you were wondering, it follows:
I have brought on myself a punishment and a danger that I cannot name. If I am the chief of sinners, I am the chief of sufferers also.
FYI EzrA I have no pity for your suffering.
As usual the bell rings before EzrA can finish teaching because he is literally the worst ever at planning out a lesson. Before the Liars can leave his classroom, EzrA calls Aria over to speak with him, as usual. Except this time the scary music plays.
Basically Ezra’s like, “After you graduate let’s both leave this hellhole let’s go be together forever.” Aria’s like “maybe maybe not idk brb.” In other words we don’t get her response.
Meanwhile Hanna, Aria and Spencer meet in the school computer lab to check up on the articles Hanna found about The Girl Inside the Box. This feels like something that could have been settled over GChat.
Either way, Hanna decided that the number one Box Candidate is this chick Sara who, according to her friends and family, ran off with her boyfriend. 90 bucks say the boyfriend turns out to be Ezra.
Hanna took some initiative and already emailed Runaway Sara’s friends pretending they should start a My Blonde Friend Left Me support group.
Just then a perfectly placed projector cues up and starts all on its own projecting a creepy 1950s style educational video. It ends with our very first message from A!
We interrupt this episode to present you the premiere of Lucy Hale’s brand new music video You Sound Good To Me! It starts out as the most heteronormative thing that’s ever been on abcFamily but there is a girl in a plaid shirt towards the end. What I mean to say is if I had to watch it you have to watch it.
At her home, Spencer asks her father, Peter Hastings if he knows where Jason is. I had to google who Peter Hastings is, as he is one of those characters I repeatedly forget about because everyone in Rosewood’s parents are constantly out of town and all middle-age white men look the same. Also I feel like Nolan North (the actor) had some work done. I don’t know, none of my business I guess.
Later Toby comes over and flaps his stupid mouth about his mom and her psychiatrist and Radley and stuff. Don’t care.
Meanwhile, Hanna uses a butter knife to pick open the lock on Ali’s diary (the one she stole from EzrA’s lair). I would just cut the leather strap but then again I’m an asshole with no respect for other people’s journals.
Hanna gives up on her diary breaking and entering mission when she gets a GChat from Runaway Sara’s friends! They’re totes down for coffee. Date night!
Hanna, Aria and Spencer head over to the Life Cafe where Emily is working her usual after-school job as a lesbian barista. Aria and Hanna try to strike up conversation about how Ali’s back and isn’t that cool?! Unfortunately Emily’s in a pretty bad mood about the whole Ali’s Alive thing. Probably because she’s an angry lesbian who’s probably on her period.
Just then Caleb came back! He is definitely an angry lesbian on his period. Also I was totally right about Ravenswood taking place over the course of a week.
He explains to Hanna that now that he has his own TV show and is sort of in love with a ghost he’s going to visit her but she, like, probably shouldn’t visit him. I mean, if Hanna comes to Ravenswood would she bring supernatural shit back to Rosewood? It’s hard to say. Anyways he’s back because he missed Hanna and also the two just can’t go that long without fucking and/or adopting a new cat.
Toby and Spencer run off somewhere to blackmail the leader of the company that owns Radley. This turns out to be pretty effective and by the time they’re through the company leader has agreed to put on permanent record that Toby’s mom didn’t kill herself.
Toby and Spencer bring this news back to Peter Hastings who decides maybe it’s time to take it one step further and get Radley shutdown completely.
God I could not care less about Toby and his caveman face, so obviously I’ve truncated this part a bit. The only interesting part of any of this is the woman who owns Radley and her complete lack of compassion for Toby. I liked that part.