Emily makes polite small talk with her guests and terse faces at Paige until Aria finally comes to whisk Emily away. She fills her in about how they’ve co-opted her birthday as an excuse to track down and interrogate Jenna. Happy Birthday indeed.

Outside the party, Jenna and Shana sit in a super nice convertible. Jenna is pissed they even have to attend this po-dunk party, but Shana is really excited about the opportunity to hold hands and hang out with some other dykes. Also she thinks her swim coach is going to be there and so she has to go.

It’s annoying that Jenna is acting like a scared puppy dog about being blind again. She was so confident and, honestly, terrifying when she was blind before. There’s no reason she should suddenly need to clumsily hold onto Shana’s shoulder. She was self-sufficient and awesome once and she will be blind and self-sufficient again because, regardless of her sight, Jenna is a BAMF.

Inside the party Aria mopes around softly singing Taylor Swift songs to herself and staring at Sensei Hot Stuff and his hot hot date.

How dare he arrive with another girl after Aria made it perfectly clear that she has no interest in him.

In back of the lake house, Emily sulks on the dock. Emily is so good at sulking. Paige comes outside to see what is wrong, and you know before they even start talking this is gonna be a shitfest.

Emily asks her why she didn’t tell Mr. Super Trainer about her injury. Paige tries to claim she was just doing whatever it takes to get what is best for Emily. Paige is a martyr for love.

It’s clear that someone wrote this scene is intimate knowledge of the native language of the North American Lesbian.

Emily: Why are you pushing this so hard?
Paige: I know how badly you want to swim.
Emily: You mean how badly you want me to swim.

Paige admits she’s scared that if Emily doesn’t come to The San Francisco Gay Area with her she’ll find someone better hotter faster and stronger to finger bang. Four years is a long time and Emily could find her fingers inside all sorts of girls. I feel like I called this a few episodes ago.

Emily: We have to face the facts. We’re not going to be together next year.

Does she mean be in the same place or Be Together? I don’t know.

Back inside, Spencer and Aria confront Jenna. Jenna greets them both and I remember how Jenna always says Spencer’s name with just a hint of “you’re a cunt” and Aria’s name with just a hint of “I want to lick your cunt.” It’s perfect really. The Liars tell Shana she’s needed for a group picture outside. No one believes them.

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Elsewhere, Pastor Ted swings by the Marin household to grab some face time with Ashley. I don’t care about the grown-up story lines but you can imagine what it looks like. Ashley is embarrassed Ted is a nice guy. Etc.

Ashley invites Ted inside for some dessert and the two chat and eat outside. Meanwhile, Hanna suddenly gets a call from Mona inside. Mona basically says “I can’t chat. You owe me.” I guess the gist is that Mona knew that at least a false confession would get Ashley out on bail.

Hanna freaks a bit but, of course, doesn’t say anything. Meanwhile Ashley and Pastor Ted finish up their dessert. The two have more old people talk and Ashley explains how she knew Wilden and Pastor Ted explained how he bailed her out of jail. There’s a lot of feelings involved but, once again, I don’t care about any the parents except for Ella who’s still MIA on a Sex Romp in Europe.

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Back at the party, Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff finally have an interaction.

He’s like “Hey I thought you had plans with your family tonight.” Aria’s like “Hey I changed my mind and totally want to kiss with our faces now or better yet at least have you not kiss the other girl with your face.”

Except instead of saying that with words Aria just makes a pouty face and says some other bullshit about how the two of them aren’t dating. She tries to make this less awkward by sipping her drink a lot. She isn’t successful.

Back out on the dock of lost love, Paige tries to convince Emily to at least stop sulking long enough to see the people who came to her party. This is actually good advice. You should always have your girl fights on your own time.

Back inside, Jenna really wants to leave but Shana thinks she needs to see some imaginary coach first. Girlfriend A wants to stay, girlfriend B wants to leave. It’s classic girlfriend drama– they must really be together.

Aria confronts Jenna and asks her for the billionth time what she knows about Alison. For the billionth time Jenna says to fuck off. If I have to watch this conversation one more time I’m going to die. Death by repetition.

Just then, Paige rolls in the cake. I say “rolls in” because Paige has somehow procured a neat-o cake cart. Guys feel free to keep this in mind for me to Chanukah.

The cake is cut and amongst the hububaloo Spencer goes missing. Aria and Emily go to look for her outside when they spot her… floating face down in the water.

Except it’s not Spencer. It’s Jenna.

I swear this is where the episode would normally end. Right? Like with a dead cut to the credits? Instead we’re treated to Jenna being rushed off in an ambulance in our classic Pretty Little Liars Police/Ambulance/Blanket scene. I think this is the 4th time maybe?

An anxious Shana freaks the fuck out. She, of course, thinks the Liars did this.

The Liars call up Hanna and fill her in about Jenna just in time for Ashley to come in and fill her in about Ted. Hanna sure has been out of the loop a lot tonight. Did she just spend the entire evening on Tumblr?

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Later, Paige cleans up while Emily processes all her feelings. Emily suggests that someone knocked out Jenna before throwing her in the water. Paige is not so sure. If it turns out that Paige is in on this I swear I will be done with PLL forever.

Later, when the two of them are crawling into bed lezzie style they skip the obvious opportunity for a high school lesbian sex scene and Emily just lies in bed with her eyes open. Come on Emily! You should have taken that opportunity for all of us!

Meanwhile at other hotbed of feelings Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff do yet another “Eeep Protect Me” slumber party. Aria tells Sensei that she feels safe with him. She also says that she basically feels like she can’t suck anyone else into her black hole of a life.

I’m not saying I totally relate to having a nonstop series of murders and harassment take place around you, I’m just saying I literally said that to my BFF two days ago. Sometimes it’s really hard to let someone in when you think you’re a swirling black hole of chaos. The truth is all you need to do is find an order muppet.

At the hospital, Spencer wants to know if Shana knows who the fuck tried to drown Jenna. Shana wants to know if Spencer knows who the fuck tried to drown Jenna. No one wants to be friends or thinks this is an accident. Spencer asks for the bajillionth kamillionth time if Shana knows anything about Alison.

She doesn’t, because Jenna isn’t scared of Alison, she’s scared of Cece. Probably because Cece acted kind of like a homophobe.

On the other side of town, at a very different hospital, Mona checks back into the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. I love how Radley functions like a goddamn yacht club you can just check in and out of at will. They even give her her very same room back.

Meanwhile Red Coat skips on over to the DeLaurentis house and sneaks under the porch.

In the final sneaky A scene, A plays a piano and leaves some sheet music for TobAy. Ew, does this mean he’s going to be in the next episode? Maybe I’ll skip it if it means a break from his caveman face. Just kidding! I’ll always be here for you guys even if we have to make up the gay content ourselves.

That about does it for this week. Tune in next week when Pastor Ted will anonymously donate the money for Paige, Emily and Caleb to all attend A-Camp in October!

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