Welcome to the third season finale of Pretty Little Liars! Did we ever think we’d come so far? I didn’t, and with good reason! Look at this sample of classic abcFamily TV shows canceled before a third season!
But not these Liars! They’re going the distance with a complete third season and more to come. What’s the secret? Well if I had to guess I’d say “lesbians.” Either way, abcFamily celebrated this victory by creating a scene by scene replication of the pilot episode! We’ll explore that later, but first let’s jump right into the thick of it!
We open on Hanna, Emily and Aria sitting in the Hastings’ kitchen waiting for SpAncer to grace them with her royal, uptight, crazy-face presence. Hanna, having just purchased a necklace of paint swatches, muses that maybe, just maybe, the body found last episode isn’t TobAy. We, of course, already know it isn’t TobAy’s body because we saw the tattoo rub off last episode. Plus, the only people who die on Pretty Little Liars are those about to revele deep secretes to the Liars.
Emily is taking TobAy’s loss particularly hard, as he was modeling for a full sized diorama installation depicting the earliest human settlers that she was creating for the Academy of Natural Sciences of Drexel University. This was going to be Emily’s big ticket into college! Oh well, back to swimming and scissoring her way through life.
SpAncer takes that moment to walk down the stairs all cryptic-like, doing her best impersonation of the big reveal from She’s All That. Plus we get our first dose of the pilot episode coming back to haunt us!
The she answers some really important questions that have been plaguing us all season!
SpAncer gives a longwinded monologue about not wanting to be a victim and Radley and not being strong and seeing TobAy and all this other stuff. Blah blah blah sad sad sad TobAy TobAy TobAy.
The end-game is that SpAncer’s parents invited everyone to a good old fashion Look We Swear Our Kid Isn’t Crazy Party! I know something’s up with this party though, because the soundtrack is playing the scary music, and I’m always up for letting the TV soundtrack tell me how to feel.
Starsweep to the A-Mobile where A reminds us once again the only thing you need for hacking is a black hoodie and some study leather gloves.
A grabs a phone number off of a laptop, 251-469-3561 and sends it to her iPhone just as MonA walks in.
MonA has graduated from black hoodie to chic black tee shirt and is using her classic “Scary A Voice.” Is it wrong that I miss Season One Trying Too Hard Mona? I loved her. MonA sits looks at SpAncer’s party invite and tells the other A that she’s likes her plan.
The next day at school, the Liars discover that Ezra has posted up a wanted ad for a babysitter. He and Aria are technically still together and while dating a student was kind of hot, dating the babysitter is just too cliché.
The Liars canvass about who the hell picked Malcolm up from school, even though we know it was SpAncer. It was approximately exactly like when your friend in the closet has a conversation with a straight girl about boys and you just stand there wide eyed and uncomfortable. Hanna really wants to hit Malcolm up for details, and needs an extra $10/hr, so Hanna grabs the sheet. She’ll just have Malcolm draw her a picture of who picked him up.
Just then, out of the blue, Shana shows up at Rosewood to practice with her swim team or maybe to suck Emily’s face. Who knows! Looks like Shana is swimming versus Emily in a swim meet later in the week.
I didn’t even know Shana was in high school! Rosewood truly does have an abundance of hot high school lesbians. And they all like it slippery and wet!
Emily: Hey! What are you doing here?
Shana: Our coach arranged for us to practice here this morning. But I say if it’s water it’s wet right?
Shana and Spencer have a bizarre and potentially flirtatious interaction that is never explained and probably never will be except for in the elaborate slash fic I’m writing entitled Hastily Seeking Hastings.
As for Hanna, well she isn’t too keen on Shana due to her massive Straight Girl Problems. Why does she hate Shana?
Even Emily is unimpressed to see Shana, which is sort of weird since she just introduced Emily to Missy Franklin like two episodes ago. Plus they were texting flirty style last episode. I think maybe this is one of those things where Shana is the dyke that you and your friends all know starts drama and you all pretend to be uninterested except secretly you all seriously want on.
Aria runs into Ezra in the halls where he’s just finished having a job interview or something. The two do an awkward hallway walk which is highly reminiscent of Season One. In a bad way. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about this happening anymore, because Fitz tells Aria that he probably won’t get the job anyways.
Elsewhere, at She and TobAy’s house, Jenna talks on the phone while a mysterious A figure stalks outside. We haven’t seen Jenna in a while have we. I kind of forgot she existed.
Jenna You said you were going to make it all go away. I’m worried! Now the police have evidence! Look, I need to see you today.
Outside Jenna’s, A texts the number they downloaded. Just as A sends the text, Jenna receives one and says she’s gotta go. I think the biggest plot hole in Pretty Little Liars is A’s ability to text with leather gloves on. That’s just not science. I understand there is plenty to complain about with my very favorite show, and I let a lot slide. But this?! This is impossible.
Starsweep across the neighborhood, where Aria, sportting some hot new after-sex hair, is doing her homework. Papa Crazy shows up to do his daily freak-out enraged that Ezra is going to take a job at the high school.
Aria’s all, “No no no [eye-roll] he didn’t get the job. Duhhhh.” Except, according to Byron, actually he did and he’s taking the day to think about it.
Speaking of Ezra, he and Hanna meet to discuss the exciting world of babysitting. Hanna’s only experience with babysitting was the time she and Caleb rented Babysitter Sluts 7, which, for the record, Caleb made them turn off because it was heterosexist and oppressive to women. Still, Hanna is completely unable to not sound like a porn star during this entire encounter.