Pretty Little Liars Recap 324: A Dangerous and Ultimately Confusing Game

Welcome to the third season finale of Pretty Little Liars! Did we ever think we’d come so far? I didn’t, and with good reason! Look at this sample of classic abcFamily TV shows canceled before a third season!

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU WAS REALLY THE ONLY LOSS HERE.

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU WAS REALLY THE ONLY LOSS HERE.

But not these Liars! They’re going the distance with a complete third season and more to come. What’s the secret? Well if I had to guess I’d say “lesbians.” Either way, abcFamily celebrated this victory by creating a scene by scene replication of the pilot episode! We’ll explore that later, but first let’s jump right into the thick of it!


We open on Hanna, Emily and Aria sitting in the Hastings’ kitchen waiting for SpAncer to grace them with her royal, uptight, crazy-face presence. Hanna, having just purchased a necklace of paint swatches, muses that maybe, just maybe, the body found last episode isn’t TobAy. We, of course, already know it isn’t TobAy’s body because we saw the tattoo rub off last episode. Plus, the only people who die on Pretty Little Liars are those about to revele deep secretes to the Liars.

to mucho masterbation

DEARLY BELOVED WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO SAY OUR GOODBYES. HERE SHE LIES, NO ONE KNEW HER WORTH, THE LATE GREAT DAUGHTER OF MOTHER EARTH. ON THIS NIGHT, AS WE CELEBRATE THE BIRTH. IN THAT LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM, WE RAISE OUR GLASS, YOU BET YOUR ASS TO LA VIE BOHEME.

Emily is taking TobAy’s loss particularly hard, as he was modeling for a full sized diorama installation depicting the earliest human settlers that she was creating for the Academy of Natural Sciences of Drexel University. This was going to be Emily’s big ticket into college! Oh well, back to swimming and scissoring her way through life.

less confusion more scissoring

…THIS SHOW WENT OFF THE DEEP END AND COMPLETELY STOPPED MAKING SENSE

SpAncer takes that moment to walk down the stairs all cryptic-like, doing her best impersonation of the big reveal from She’s All That. Plus we get our first dose of the pilot episode coming back to haunt us!

more lezzies

HOPE IS ACTUALLY JUST A NEW CHARACTER BEING INTRODUCED AS A LOVE INTEREST FOR EMILY IN THE NEXT SEASON

The she answers some really important questions that have been plaguing us all season!

just eat it

OR A BISCUIT FOR THAT MATTER?

like during sex

AND A BISCUIT, WELL THAT’S SOMETHING YOU EAT IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAY

SpAncer gives a longwinded monologue about not wanting to be a victim and Radley and not being strong and seeing TobAy and all this other stuff. Blah blah blah sad sad sad TobAy TobAy TobAy.

this is the truth

I’M ACTUALLY JUST THE LIVING PERSONIFICATION OF LIZZ’S FANTASY GIRL.

The end-game is that SpAncer’s parents invited everyone to a good old fashion Look We Swear Our Kid Isn’t Crazy Party! I know something’s up with this party though, because the soundtrack is playing the scary music, and I’m always up for letting the TV soundtrack tell me how to feel.

during the second run of the episode

NO SCISSORING THOUGH. SCISSORING STARTS AT 10PM

Starsweep to the A-Mobile where A reminds us once again the only thing you need for hacking is a black hoodie and some study leather gloves.

also the metal music

THE PURPOSE OF THIS BABYDOLL WITH A SHAVEN HEAD, HOWEVER, IS LOST ON ME

A grabs a phone number off of a laptop, 251-469-3561 and sends it to her iPhone just as MonA walks in.

nothing says winam like green on black

JUST BECAUSE YOU CHANGE YOUR COMPUTER’S DISPLAY DOES NOT MAKE IT 2004

MonA has graduated from black hoodie to chic black tee shirt and is using her classic “Scary A Voice.” Is it wrong that I miss Season One Trying Too Hard Mona? I loved her. MonA sits looks at SpAncer’s party invite and tells the other A that she’s likes her plan.

like garfield

I’M GLAD MONA HAS FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO TELL US HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT FRIDAYS

yay!

A FOURTH SEASON


The next day at school, the Liars discover that Ezra has posted up a wanted ad for a babysitter. He and Aria are technically still together and while dating a student was kind of hot, dating the babysitter is just too cliché.

i mean claudia has her own phone line and everything

COULD HAVE JUST CALLED THE BABYSITTERS CLUB

The Liars canvass about who the hell picked Malcolm up from school, even though we know it was SpAncer. It was approximately exactly like when your friend in the closet has a conversation with a straight girl about boys and you just stand there wide eyed and uncomfortable. Hanna really wants to hit Malcolm up for details, and needs an extra $10/hr, so Hanna grabs the sheet. She’ll just have Malcolm draw her a picture of who picked him up.

emily is into all the kinky shit

BECAUSE IF SO I’LL NEED THAT PICTURE OF HER FOR MY PRIVATE COLLECTION

Just then, out of the blue, Shana shows up at Rosewood to practice with her swim team or maybe to suck Emily’s face. Who knows! Looks like Shana is swimming versus Emily in a swim meet later in the week.

nkkd

OH ARE WE STILL ON FOR SKINNY DIPPING LATER?

cheater i wish

I TOLD YOU NOT TO BRING THIS UP IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS

I didn’t even know Shana was in high school! Rosewood truly does have an abundance of hot high school lesbians. And they all like it slippery and wet!

its lips

WHAT? THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR CUTE BUTT TATTOO?

Emily: Hey! What are you doing here?
Shana: Our coach arranged for us to practice here this morning. But I say if it’s water it’s wet right?

Shana and Spencer have a bizarre and potentially flirtatious interaction that is never explained and probably never will be except for in the elaborate slash fic I’m writing entitled Hastily Seeking Hastings.

betrAyal

WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO GET THOSE TATTOOS TOGETHER!

As for Hanna, well she isn’t too keen on Shana due to her massive Straight Girl Problems. Why does she hate Shana?

straight girl problems

THIS IS THE REALEST THING TO EVER GRACE THE TELEVISION SCREEN

Even Emily is unimpressed to see Shana, which is sort of weird since she just introduced Emily to Missy Franklin like two episodes ago. Plus they were texting flirty style last episode. I think maybe this is one of those things where Shana is the dyke that you and your friends all know starts drama and you all pretend to be uninterested except secretly you all seriously want on.

she really should get her a longer leash

“TROUBLE” IS THE NAME OF SHANA’S SUB

Aria runs into Ezra in the halls where he’s just finished having a job interview or something. The two do an awkward hallway walk which is highly reminiscent of Season One. In a bad way. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about this happening anymore, because Fitz tells Aria that he probably won’t get the job anyways.

story of my life

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY SO YOU BOTH PRETEND WHATEVER YOU’RE READING JUST GOT SUPER INTERESTING

Elsewhere, at She and TobAy’s house, Jenna talks on the phone while a mysterious A figure stalks outside. We haven’t seen Jenna in a while have we. I kind of forgot she existed.

painfully true

CAN I SCHEDULE A CUT AND COLOR FOR TOMORROW? I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERY GIRL IS ROSEWOOD HAS TO HAVE THE SAME WEIRD CENTER PART.

Jenna You said you were going to make it all go away. I’m worried! Now the police have evidence! Look, I need to see you today.

Outside Jenna’s, A texts the number they downloaded. Just as A sends the text, Jenna receives one and says she’s gotta go. I think the biggest plot hole in Pretty Little Liars is A’s ability to text with leather gloves on. That’s just not science. I understand there is plenty to complain about with my very favorite show, and I let a lot slide. But this?! This is impossible.

biggest plothole

IT’S NOT EVEN LIKE THEY’RE THE SPECIAL KIND OF GLOVES WITH THE MESH FINGERTIPS THAT WORK FOR TEXTING!!

Starsweep across the neighborhood, where Aria, sportting some hot new after-sex hair, is doing her homework. Papa Crazy shows up to do his daily freak-out enraged that Ezra is going to take a job at the high school.

shit queer girls say

ARE MY NAILS SHORT ENOUGH FOR MY LIFESTYLE?

Aria’s all, “No no no [eye-roll] he didn’t get the job. Duhhhh.” Except, according to Byron, actually he did and he’s taking the day to think about it.

its a statement piece

ARIA, CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY YOU NEEDED TO TAKE APART MY NEW BLENDER TO MAKE MORE ACCESSORIES?

Speaking of Ezra, he and Hanna meet to discuss the exciting world of babysitting. Hanna’s only experience with babysitting was the time she and Caleb rented Babysitter Sluts 7, which, for the record, Caleb made them turn off because it was heterosexist and oppressive to women. Still, Hanna is completely unable to not sound like a porn star during this entire encounter.

i gotta a plan to get us out of here

THIS LINE IS FROM THE FIRST SCENE IN BABYSITTER SLUTS 7 WHEN THE BABYSITTER FIRST REALIZES HOW ATTRACTED SHE IS TO THE MOTHER

death train

THIS LINE IS FROM A SCENE IN BABYSITTER SLUTS 7 DURING AN ELABORATE ELECTRIC TRAIN SET SEX TOY SEQUENCE

which is a much finer film than babysitter sluts 7

THIS LINE IS TECHNICALLY FROM “BABYSITTER SLUTS 4″

Pages: 1 2 3 See entire article on one page

Profile photo of Lizz

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 274 articles for us.

19 Comments

  1. Thumb up 4

    Please log in to vote

    The most authentic moment of the episode was definitely. “I hate her. She flirts with everyone, but me.” I hear straight girls say that. I hear queer girls say that. It’s true. It’s true. I’ve said it before.

    As for the show… I hat that Mona feels part of the group now. She cray. Also delusional.

  2. Thumb up 7

    Please log in to vote

    this recap made me LOL at least 50 times, the captions were extra-amazing
    also i thought toby was being honest
    thank you for the throwback screencaps i never made those connections myself
    also seriously ezra and aria broke up at least five times and we haven’t seen paige in weeks!
    also i feel like them turning up the music was for real the first indication any of them have given that they have actually learned something from all this

  3. Thumb up 4

    Please log in to vote

    I fully expect giant dildo trapezes to be featured in my nightmares moving forward.
    shana is ridiculously hot, I don’t even care that she’s plotting and scheming.
    the “she stole you from me” bit from mona makes me think she has a huge lesbian crush on all of them and is totally not getting invited to the pool party, because there are going to be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean RIGHT? she’s a total stalker.

  4. Thumb up 1

    Please log in to vote

    This recap was all kinds of funny. I especially enjoyed the “babysitter sluts” captions. ALSO the leather glove thing baffled/annoyed me too!

    I am still confused as to why Ali/Red Coat pulled them out of the fire if she was REALLY A. There has to be more to the story, I think Ali/RC just wanted to control them, but theres the NAT (and that Not A Team was a brilliant thought) club who are actively trying to kill the liars. Who knows though. Basically everyone is evil and there must be a huge black hoodie shortage in Rosewood.

  5. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    Is Red Coat pulling someone out from their grave in the last scene? The reflection of the light is clearly red. Who are they rescuing that people think is dead but then isn’t?

    Also if Alison is alive does that mean the evil twin theory is true? because they did find Alison’s body at some point so if it wasn’t Alison (or someone who looked exactly like her) her family or someone would have noticed unless they are also team A. At this point I don’t know what was actually on the show and what not anymore.

  6. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    having now read, I can now say, finally someone notices the gloves! A lot of things are completely unrealistic but using leather gloves with touch screens is where I draw the line!

  7. Thumb up 0

    Please log in to vote

    so so so many lols!

    “I CAN’T DIE IN THIS FIRE!! I NEVER EVEN BOUGHT MY FIRST STRAP-ON! I HAVEN’T LIVED!”

    i think i’m going to go buy a strap on now just incase i die in a house fire.

Contribute to the conversation...

You must be logged in to post a comment.