Pretty Little Liars Recap 319: What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted Crazy Ladies

This week on Pretty Little LiarsCaleb and Hanna bring their relationship to new and improved even higher lesbian levels and I spend the whole episode worried about my Friday Brain Sciences Exam.

We open in the hallowed halls of Rosewood High, where our Liars discussing Spencer McCriesalot. Looks like she hasn’t been coming to class or even *gasp* the academic decathlon team practice.

four day cow binge

WHO KNEW YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO FEED LIVESTOCK BEER?

Around the corner, Team Dictator MonA has one of her new lackies tell Spencer she’s donesville. More importantly, it’s reveled that Spencer has officially entered the “ugly sweater” phase of mourning the loss of TobAy. It took a while, but I finally figured out this guys name is Andrew. Let’s see here. We’ve got a new guy who’s almost as smart as Spencer phased in just in time for the big TobAy revele. What’s the under/over on how many episodes until he and Spencer bone? I’m guessing 2 episodes max. I hope they have them do it to “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve.

three

LISTEN SPECER, I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW MANY EPISODES I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I GET TO BE ALL UP ON YOUR FACE

Spencer is so angry she decides to just open and slam shut her locker over and over again until she feels better. When this proves ultimately unfruitful, she resigns to talking to Emily.

hot soccer sex

SOMEONE TOOK THE ABBY WAMBACH PICTURE OUT OF MY LOCKER. IS NOTHING SACRED?

Emily wants to hang out after school and paint their toenails together but Spencer already has plans to longingly look at old pictures and wallow in self pity. She goes to storm out of school but just as she’s putting on her sunglasses there’s a note from A.

so hip

HIDING FROM PAPARAZZI

and or versace

OH FUCK I JUST BOUGHT THESE. THEY’RE TOM FORD!

Ugh, I hate when A makes them hate on each other. I only like it when A forces Emily out of the closet or forces Aria to tell Ezra about his baby situation. C’mon A, let’s up the entertainment value here and force Emily to take Paige to a Tegan and Sara concert or something.

tiger sweater

I THINK THIS SPEAKS FOR ITSELF

After school at the Life Cafe, Aria and Hanna obsess over totally different problems while Emily works like a real person. There’s a lot of bending over going on.

sexy waiting

IF ONLY SHE WOULD JUST DROP SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR

Aria wants to help Spencer with all of her deep emotional feelings about having feelings about her feelings. Hanna, on the other hand, wants to get all up in Caleb’s business. She’s still dwelling on the Caleb’s UncleDad issue. Hanna thinks she can track down Caleb’s uncle, Jamie, and prove he’s Caleb’s dad, and then Caleb will be happy forever. Aria suggests Hanna stay the fuck out of it.

as usual

I DIDN’T PAINT MY NAILS TO MATCH MY SHIRT JUST TO MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THEM OFF TO AGE INAPPROPRIATE MEN.

If she really wants to make Caleb happy she can just buy him a new Sleater-Kinney CD and a Form 6. Oddly, as the two are sorting it all out, Ezra’s mother calls Aria and asks about Wesleywolf. Aria tells her that she has no clue where Wesleywolf is hiding out. Even though she totally knows he’s at Ezra’s Annex. Liar liar pants on fire. As usual.

who is this

OH MY GOD SHE IS SO ANNOYING

Elsewhere, in between dropping it super low to buss tables, Emily runs into Cece. Emily asks her if she knows whether Ali might have been doing the nasty with Wilden. Cece denies ever seeing the two bump uglies, but claims every idiot and their brother wanted on Ali. Emily’s like, “As if” and then jots down some lines in her notebook to incorporate into her new book, Fifty Shades of Alison.

bad ideas

I GUESS THERE WAS THAT TIME ALI MADE A LIST OF EVERY MANY OVER 25 IN ROSEWOOD AND SENT THEM TOPLESS PHOTOS

Cece: Yeah, and four million other Delta Phis and they all wanted to rush Ali.

complicated

I’M SORRY, CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT “TEABAGGING THE CAPTAIN” MEANS AGAIN?

Over at the Hastings’ residence, Spencer is making nearly the grossest smoothie of all time. I’ve had more conversations with PLL fans this week about this smoothie than any other topic including, “Who the fuck is A.”

two

HOW MANY BANANAS IS TOO MANY BANANAS?

poker in the rear

PICKLE IN THE FRONT

Spencer is either pregnant or aiming for “death by carrots.” I guess she could also be on a Fruit Feast which is what the yoga girls in my med school call a fruit fast. Nerdy Andrew swings by and tries to explain why it’s totally not his fault that Spencer got kicked off the team.

not even sure what that is

JUST HOVERING TO SEE IF ANY FREAKY STUFF IS GONNA GO DOWN WITH THAT SMOOTHIE

Andrew explains that BOTP, the team doesn’t need Spencer anyways. He’s apparently so fucking good at history. Spencer challenges him to a history trivia match. He’s not interested. So Spencer proposes that they play strip trivia. He’s still not very interested. I’m very interested.

but you old as fuck

I WOULD TEAR THAT ASS UP

I’m not sure how I never thought to play strip trivia in college, but I wish I had. I would have ended up a lot less naked then all those games of strip poker.

painful

OH YOU LIKE THIS COUCH? MY PREGNANT SISTER SAT ON IT FOR SIX CONTINUOUS MONTHS

Up at a mysterious ranch, Hanna tracks down Caleb’s uncle Jamie. In approximately 2.4 seconds it’s confirmed that Jamie is, indeed, Caleb’s father. Jamie wants to tell Caleb, but he has a dark past involving a police record for petty theft. Hanna is mortified, which is hilarious since she got busted for petty theft in season one.

not that kind of beard

I CAN’T BE A DAD! I HAVE FREE STANDING POWER TOOLS AND A BEARD!

Back over at Naked Nerd Central, Spencer and Andrew go tit for tat until Andrew gets Spencer down to tit. Well sort of. She does that all important “take your bra off under your shirt” move. You know the move I’m talking about.

she even has condoms

LITTLE DOES HE KNOW BENEATH THAT BRA WAS A BACK-UP BRA AND BENEATH THAT A BACK-UP BACK-UP BRA. SPENCER HASTINGS ALWAYS COMES PREPARED.

We’re just one wrong question away from seeing Troian Bellisario goodies when Emily stops by.

dont we all

SHE PREFERS A TOPPIER BUTCH

Emily, normally I love you, but please stop ruining this for us right now.

lolz titz

PAIGE WILL BE BY IN A FEW, MAYBE SHE CAN BRING HERS

Emily wants to know what the fuck is going on with Spencer’s spiral. She also unfortunately implies that Spencer was only getting naked with Naked Trivia Andrew to get back at TobAy. C’mon Emily, that’s pretty anti-feminist. There are lots of reasons Spencer might be rushing into a new sexual relationship. Like to piss off her parents or seem cool to her friends.

gay gay gay

OH RIGHT, LIKE YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEX WITH MEN “BECAUSE THEY ENJOY IT?” AS IF.

Emily keeps insisting that whatever happened with TobAy couldn’t be that bad. I’m unclear as to why the writers don’t have Emily appropriately hating men. Don’t they know anything about lesbians? Mostly Emily just wants Spencer to knock it the fuck off and get her head back in the game. Like any game at all. Except that smoothie game, because that shit was really gross looking. I think getting her head back in that strip trivia game is probably a solid plan.

automatic win

AS YOU MAY RECALL I’VE ALREADY BUILT A HOTEL ON PARK PLACE AND DEAD GIRLFRIEND AVE

This was a good moment. To quote Riese, via email to the whole team, “Holy shit Emily Fields is finally yelling at somebody for real and it’s awesome.”

no arguing

AND THE NEW ME GOES BRALESS ALL THE TIME.

Emily is so over it. Me too.

too scary

THE EXORCIST PART VIII

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Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

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9 Comments

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    I love that Riese sends out team emails re: PLL.
    Also, the thing that bothered me more about the smoothie scene was how long she had the refrigerator open. Like she didn’t even close it before going to play strip trivia with Andrew. Seriously wasteful.

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    I Don’t Hate Men!!!
    lol, but seriously, I don’t.
    but Emily was so spot on about the monopoly on pain thing. Shes a life guru of hope and unicorns.
    Why cant Ezbian happen right now. I miss my Ezbian feelings frenzy.

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    That smoothie was seriously grody. Why was it so bright?!

    If Wren is British though, he could potentially be as young as 26 since they can go into med school from high school, no? Not really that much less creepy, just sayin’…

    And as if Jason could pry all the elevator doors open with his bare hands. That was ridiculous.

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