Pretty Little Liars Recap 317: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Lesbian Bar

Welcome to the 317th episode of Pretty Little Liars. Wait, that’s not right. The 17th episode of the third season of Pretty Little Liars– there we go– the only show on television where the time frame is so warped that the writers have committed to completely ignoring weather/seasons. This week something so gay and exciting happens that I don’t even want to waste my time with build up.

We open on on the lovestruck town of Rosewood to Spencer and TobAy doing making the beast with two backs.

GARLIC BREATH

GARLIC BREATH

Wait…. didn’t our big reveal just happen last episode?! Oops! It did. This is just the worst dream sequence ever.

This is how you do a dream sequence:

UP ON ALL THE GOOD NEWS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

UP ON ALL THE GOOD NEWS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

TURNS OUT THE L WORD IS LIAR

TURNS OUT THE L WORD IS LIAR

HAS A SECRET. CAN KEEP IT.

HAS A SECRET. CAN KEEP IT.

THIS I WOULD EVEN SETTLE FOR

THIS I WOULD EVEN SETTLE FOR

Elsewhere, Aria is still on that goddamn couch! This is just like that time Melissa wouldn’t get off the couch. She was pregnant. Just saying. Aria talks on the phone with Emily about whether or not to tell Spencer about Melissa being at Ali’s the night of her murder. The two are dead set on believing Byron even though he’s a ragehead who they thought killed their BFF last week.

NO, IT'S COOL. I'M JUST GONNA SIT ON THE COUCH FOR THE NEXT NINE MONTHS AND THEN TELL PEOPLE THE BABY IS JUST A HUGE LINT BALL

NO, IT’S COOL. I’M JUST GONNA SIT ON THE COUCH FOR THE NEXT NINE MONTHS AND THEN TELL PEOPLE THE BABY IS JUST A HUGE LINT BALL

Emily’s mom is back on salary and appearently working at the police station now. Isn’t that convenient/going to go terribly wrong.

HEY EM I JUST BOUGHT THIS SHIRT AT THE GAP. DOES IT SAY "MOM" OR "COOL MOM?"

HEY EM I JUST BOUGHT THIS SHIRT AT THE GAP. DOES IT SAY “MOM” OR “COOL MOM?”

On a potentially related note, the family of Nate aka Lyndon Jame aka that creep from earlier in the season sent Emily a box.

MOM IF THIS IS ONE OF THOSE NOVELTY PENIS CAKES I'M NO INTERESTED

MOM IF THIS IS ONE OF THOSE NOVELTY PENIS CAKES I’M NOT INTERESTED

It’s a collection of every super lezzie birthday card, love note and life sized cardboard cutout Emily ever gave Ali. Ooooh and a notebook! Isn’t that every teenage lezzie’s dream? To have all your unrequited love shoved back in your face? Classic. Particularly since this means Lyndonate had his little mitts all over them.

TRANSLATION: ALI, I AM A BIG HOMO WHO WANTS TO HAVE HOMO SEXXX ALL OVER YOU FACE. YOU'RE THE BEST (AT HOMO SEX) --EMILY

TRANSLATION: ALI, I AM A BIG HOMO WHO WANTS TO HAVE HOMO SEXXX ALL OVER YOU FACE. YOU’RE THE BEST (AT HOMO SEX) –EMILY

Starsweep to the Marin residence where it looks like all the moms are on salary this week! Ashley checks in on how Hanna’s doing. Probably because Hanna has been insisting on sitting alone in the dark. Hanna is doing bad, what with the whole MonA thing.

YOU WON'T EAT, YOU WON'T SLEEP, ALL YOU DO IS GO ON SOME WEBSITE CALLED CRASHPAD.COM

YOU WON’T EAT, YOU WON’T SLEEP, ALL YOU DO IS GO ON SOME WEBSITE CALLED CRASHPAD.COM

Ashley is nervous about the MonA situation and wants to call the principal, but unfortunately Hanna won’t give her the go ahead. I mean, that would be, like, so totally embarrassing. Hanna is actually shockingly honest with her mother. While she doesn’t tell her about the new A notes, she admits she’s worried Caleb will do something stupid trying to protect her.

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU KEEP FROM GETTING CHLAMYDIA

SO YOU WON’T GET CHLAMYDIA

Starsweep to Aria’s again where Meredith’s “motive” is revealed. Surprise! Her motive is that she’s just totally crazy. Seriously, they didn’t give her any other motive. Not even a drug problem or thinking she would somehow get in trouble with the police. Not even a hilarious miscommunication a la Spencer’s Dad Think Melissa Killed Ali from last season.

SOMETIMES WHEN TWO TV WRITERS LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, AND THEY WANT TO EXPRESS THAT LOVE, THEY HALF ASS A MOTIVE SO THEY CAN LEAVE EARLY AND GET TAKEOUT CHINESE FOOD.

SOMETIMES WHEN TWO TV WRITERS LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, AND THEY WANT TO EXPRESS THAT LOVE, THEY HALF ASS A MOTIVE SO THEY CAN LEAVE EARLY AND GET TAKEOUT CHINESE FOOD.

I hate when women’s motives are just craziness. That’s so lazy. Byron’s all, “She shouldn’t be anywhere near my family,” and Aria is all “coolbeans let’s try not to get dead, cool?”

I HEAR SARAH PALIN'S HUSBAND RUNS A GREAT THERAPY PROGRAM UP THERE

I HEAR SARAH PALIN’S HUSBAND RUNS A GREAT THERAPY PROGRAM UP THERE

There’s also a super emotional part where Byron shares all the feelings about not protecting Aria well enough. I tuned that part out because I really couldn’t care less about the adults on this show. Where are the titties?

The next day, Aria, Hanna and Spencer walk to get coffee together before school at approximately 4:30 am. Hanna is particularly excited to tell the girls about her new gig as a 70s lounge singer. It becomes instantly clear that Spencer hasn’t told her friends that she knows TobAy is A. You can tell Spencer is emotional about the whole thing because for the first time ever Spencer’s hair doesn’t look washed and her shirt is so not tucked in. Spencer’s hair at its dirtiest is still pretty perfect.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOCKEY MOM AND SPENCER? LIPSTICK.

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOCKEY MOM AND SPENCER? LIPSTICK.

The liars meet Emily outside the Life Cafe where they go through Ali’s old stuff. It includes Emily’s bio notebook which Ali borrowed. I know I always like to review a little miosis before sneaking out and getting murdered. The girls flip through the notebook and discovered Ali was doing that thing where you write notes back and forth on the same notebook. Like with a friend or scissoring partner. There are notes back and forth between Ali and someone else, mostly detailing the elaborate Truth or Dare game Ali had been playing with some Beach Hottie. The girls don’t know who Ali was writing with, but there’s something written about TobAy.

THIS SCREENSHOT BROUGHT TO YOU BY EMILY'S SHOULDERS

THIS SCREENSHOT BROUGHT TO YOU BY EMILY’S SHOULDERS

If you’re like me, you probably really really want to see what’s written in the notebook. So here it is. Honestly I’m not sure it reveals much of anything but it’s weirdly gratifying to read anyways. PLL317-00057PLL317-00058PLL317-00059
At school, everyone is on their cell phones dialing the phone sex psychic hotline. Hanna is all about eavesdropping. Hanna overheads Aria telling Ezra to come by at lunch. She suggests Aria just rip the baby band-aid off. She also overhears Paige on the phone with Caleb.

OH YEAH. TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE FAIR TRADE CLOTHING AND ORGANIC FARM SHARE

OH YEAH. TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE FAIR TRADE CLOTHING AND ORGANIC FARM SHARE

In the hallowed stalls of the girls bathroom, Emily tracks down Spencer. She tries to tell her about the notebook but Spencer doesn’t give a shit anymore because she’s totally busy pulling a Twilight: New Moon and not speaking to anyone ever. At least until she meets her new werewolf bestie. Not that I read those books.

THIS IS THE SADEST SAD PUPPY FACE

THIS IS THE SADEST SAD PUPPY FACE

Emily finally convinces Spencer to read the portion of the notebook where it talks about TobAy. Cue the pastels. We flashback to Ali’s meeting with TobAy while TobAy was in juvenile detention. Ali confronted TobAy about the notes from A, which he denied writing. He does say he wishes he knew who had because he would totally offer his services to them. Seriously he said “services.” I assume he means BJs and stuff. Oh and Ali also was also all like, “I bet you wish you could kiss my face.”

WHO FARTED?

WHO FARTED?

It’s a whole thing but, like I’ve been saying, I just don’t care about Ali anymore. Also the costume designer took her cue from Half Past Dead.

IS THIS EVEN REAL?

IS THIS EVEN REAL?

THIS IMAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY A MOVIE SO BORING THAT MY FRIEND AND I DECIDED TO MAKE OUT TO PASS THE TIME.

THIS IMAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY A MOVIE SO BORING THAT MY FRIEND AND I DECIDED TO MAKE OUT TO PASS THE TIME. (VIA EXPLODINGHELICOPTER.BLOGSPOT.COM)

Spencer cries and tells Emily the truth about TobAy. Just kidding, she tells Emily that she and TobAy broke up but doesn’t give any details. Then she flips out about Ali.

FOR THE SAME REASON EVERYONE IS LOYAL TO ANYONE: GOOD SEX

FOR THE SAME REASON EVERYONE IS LOYAL TO ANYONE: GOOD SEX

In class, Aria texts Spencer that Ezra freaked out and dumped her. Spencer reacts by completely losing her shit and storming out of class. Ella, who is there by magic, tries to stop Spencer. Instead of coming up with literally the thinnest lie she would need, “OH MY GOD. MY PERIOD,” Spencer screams at Ella/the class about how reading is dumb and a waste of her time. It is, quite literally, the least Spencer moment of all time.

RE: WASHING HER HAIR

RE: WASHING HER HAIR

Spencer finds Ezra using his laptop alone in the middle of the park. Because that’s a thing people do. Spencer goes off on him about what a horrible terrible no good awful person he is for dumping Aria even though all she did was lie to him for months about the existence of his son. It is instantly clear that Ezra has no idea what Spencer is talking about. Like instantly obviously Ezra has no idea. Fucking A strikes again. That girl is good.

JUST REALIZED HE POOPED HIS PANTS

JUST REALIZED HE POOPED HIS PANTS

At work/the police station, Emily’s mom asks the police officer if she should be worried about the package. I’m unclear exactly what Pam’s job is. For some reason I thought she worked at the Banana Republic.

FRENCH VANILLA COFFEE?! UNACCEPTABLE! SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN A HAZELNUT

FRENCH VANILLA COFFEE?! UNACCEPTABLE! SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN A HAZELNUT

An officer, who I think is supposed to be Detective Wilden but I’m not sure – Is this the same actor even? – Wilden claims that he knows what Emily went through. I guess he also killed someone in self defense. Weirdly he just seems to be trying to lead Pam into saying Emily killed Lyndonate. Or maybe he just has a lot of feelings. I don’t feel bad for him at all because I saw the first two seasons of this show where he was an assface.

DON'T WORRY, THE HOLSTER DOESN'T HAVE A GUN IN IT. I JUST WEAR IT TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE SUSPENDERS ON

DON’T WORRY, THE HOLSTER DOESN’T HAVE A GUN IN IT. I JUST WEAR IT TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE SUSPENDERS ON

Meanwhile, the younger Fields does some digging of her own. Flipping through Ali’s notebook she finds a picture of Ali and Cece at Cape May.

MY FAVORITE PART IS THAT LOBSTER

MY FAVORITE PART IS THAT LOBSTER

Remember Cece? She owns a clothing store and spends her time getting involved in high school drama that probably shouldn’t concern her. So basically she’s like every other 20-something year old in Rosewood.

EMILY IS SO BUSY SLEUTHING SHE DOESN'T EVEN SEE THAT HOT HIPSTER LESBIAN IN THE BACKGROUND

EMILY IS SO BUSY SLEUTHING SHE DOESN’T EVEN SEE THAT HOT HIPSTER LESBIAN IN THE BACKGROUND

Ezra, unable to wait until 2:20pm when high school lets out, finds Aria at Rosewood High. He confronts Aria about the big baby situation. My favorite part is how after over a year of trying to cover up their relationship Ezra does basically his best to blow it by obviously having a lover’s spat in the cafeteria. Ezra is, of course, pretty pissed about the whole not telling him about his son thing. Oddly he refers to Aria as “the person I’m spending my life with.” Ezra may or may have not just officially joined the Lesbian Club. I will say, for the record, Ezra does the angry/disappointed thing without turning into Scary Angry Man. I appreciate that.

AND THEN I POOPED MY PANTS. RIGHT THERE IN THE PARK.

AND THEN I POOPED MY PANTS. RIGHT THERE IN THE PARK.

I can’t believe an entire page worth of stuff has gone by and it’s not even 2:20pm yet!

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Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 274 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. Thumb up 5

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    I laughed a lot during this episode. Re: Hannah in a lesbian bar. It was so perfect and stereotype-laden. I will now use the phrase “peroxide piece of trash” to refer to bad blonde dye jobs forever (except for Spike, obvs).
    Also, I always thought that Troian Bellisario was kinda of a terrible actress. Perhaps it’s because the writers have given her a shallow character; “girl with the stick up her ass”. But this week, she totally killed it. Sad and angry Spencer is my favorite Spencer. Moar depth for Troian!

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    I have been looking forward to your recap ever since watching this episode and enjoying the hilarious-ness of Hanna at ladies night. Brilliant.
    I also think Ezra was pretty cool about Aria keeping that secret considering how huge it was and what a shock it would have been. Good for him.
    Lastly – I really really hope Paige is not cheating, that storyline could be the final straw to me still watching this show even though i still don’t have a flipping clue what’s going on half the time. Fingers crossed for faithful Paige.

  3. Thumb up 6

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    TobAy in a doo-rag was fucking ridiculous. Much like any other scene that his face appears in, it was embarrassing to watch.

    Also: How the hell did Hanna get alcohol thrown into her mouth when it was directly aimed at her sternum? ANATOMY: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

    And goodbyyyyyyyyyyyeee Ezra! That was a fucked up relationship.

  4. Thumb up 7

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    Every single one of Ashley’s lines read like the fake captions in an Autostraddle recap, I loved that whole scene.

    Also… “hallowed stalls”. Pure perfection. How long have you been keeping that one in your back pocket?

  5. Thumb up 4

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    I’m a bit disturbed by the fact that I found bat!shit!crazy! Spencer kind of really hot…

    also, Paige cheat? Oh comon, Paige McCullers lives in Emily’s Fields. There is no way that girl would ever cheat on Emily, please it was so established earlier in the episode in the phone call with Caleb that it was a “undercover mission.” That said, clubbing outfit McCullers was a hot McCullers

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      I found sad unkempt Spencer hot too… Like I’ve never found her attractive befor but I think the wild hair and serious face sent a shock to my system. A happy shock.

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    The night before I watched this, I had a dream that Ashley Marin was my mother… so I felt slightly conflicted when she returned to PLL this week and I was reminded of the fact that I’m in love with her.

    Also, as mentioned above:

    Toby in a do-rag.
    Toby in a do-rag.
    Toby in a do-rag.

  7. Thumb up 3

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    Great recap as usual lizz. I laughed as much reading it, as i did watching the episode(a lot). I feel like this show is really getting into it’s groove right now. These last few episodes have been so good. They’ve finally managed to get the right mix of comedy, drama, suspence and romance, while still making us care about the mystery. I was kinda over the whole “A” thing until the Toby reveal. Unpopular opinion: I like Toby. That being said, I think making him part of the “A” team was a great move, and I hope they don’t chicken out.

    MOST IMPORTANTLY : this show gets more lesbian by the week. Last week they played Melissa Etheridge, and the episode was co-written and directed by their lesbian executive producer, this week they sent Hanna to a gay bar. I could literally not love this show more if I tried.

  8. Thumb up 3

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    Okay, the lesbian bar is totally the last straw that has tipped me over into deciding to marathon this show. [Can’t believe I wasted time watching Glee. :( ]

    Also, Toby in a do-rag is really weird to see after watching The Wire. It’s like he’s trying to hard to be Avon?

  9. Thumb up 4

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    This is the first PLL recap I’ve read on here (yes, I’m late. I just joined the site, GOSH!) and it was HILARIOUS. I couldn’t stop laughing while reading it. Not to mention, the episode was pretty funny, too. Definitely reading every week.

  10. Thumb up 6

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    they guy that spencer meet is the same guy that Alison hired to find out who is blackmailing her. The girls already met him last season s2ep21.

  11. Thumb up 1

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    Living in the UK and being very behind on the television I often read these recaps before I actually watch the programme but actually saw it this week. Got to love Hanna’s mum. She wouldnt be at all concerned if her daughter was gay. Brilliant. ‘Pink drink? Is that a gay thing?’
    Fab recap as per x

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