Back in Caleb’s den of sin, Hanna marches in, grabs a beer, and plops down in front of the TV. Caleb asks what’s wrong, and Hanna says everything and also fuck this BIG ENGAGEMENT PARTY tonight, which is when Caleb reveals my favorite Hanna story to date:

Caleb: “Last year for Cinco de Mayo we drove ten miles out of town to a gas station just for the free burrito and a mini sombrero.”

You guys, why don’t people like Hanna more. Also ten miles is not that far for a burrito, puh-lease.

Fuck it, let’s get drunk and watch women’s soccer

Anyway, Caleb gets Hanna to tell him about Zack, and he finally says the magic words: I BELIEVE YOU. Fucking finally. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, and Caleb transparently offers to go confront Zack I MEAN GO GET SOME FOOD.

Oh please Lesbian Jesus let something gay happen on this show soon, in Ellen’s name, amen

Then we quantum leap over to Aria’s bedroom where she and her mom are putting the finishing touches on their BIG ENGAGEMENT PARTY. That gnawing feeling that Aria has about Hanna telling the truth about Zack has finally bubbled to the surface, so she tells her mom that this engagement to Zack might be a mistake.

Does this dress say “hard femme/Grease extra” to you?

Ella immediately asks if he was inappropriate with her, and Aria is like, “whoa, I didn’t realize mind-reading was part of being a witch in a past life, but no, it was Hanna!” Apparently, there was another incident that prompted Ella’s guess, and it looks like the engagement is more or less off. Good.

no comment

I’ve gotta say, though, that this show is setting up a weird dichotomy between “good” guys who go for underage girls and “bad” guys who go for underage girls. Ezra and Zack are both pieces of shit, and it bothers me that the Pretty Little Liars writers are only really condemning Zack because he’s cheating on Ella and not because he’s an actual sexual predator. Ezra is a statutory rapist! That’s just a fact!

Oh man oh man, it’s time for Caleb to confront Zack!

Hello, I came to fuck shit up

Zack is yelling ambiguous party-planning orders at the Brew staff when Caleb walks up and asks about Zack hitting on Hanna. Zack says he was “just responding to the signals he was getting” and pulls out a note that says “Sorry if I acted shy before. I’ll promise I’ll make up for it. -Hanna,” and I vomit in my mouth. But then! Caleb punches Zack in the face! While I don’t agree that that violence would be the way to react if this were real life, it felt fucking great to see here.

Listen, I just really identify with Larry, what can I say. Vee is a close second, though.

Later, Hanna is watching a public domain movie at Caleb’s house when our hero swings in and immediately ices his hand. Hanna is super embarrassed, and Caleb is like “you ain’t seen nothing yet” and shows her the note. It’s obvious that she didn’t write it, so now the case of Who The Fuck’s Handwriting Is This has begun! The answer is probably A.

Jacket Appreciation Life

After a moment of our favorite kind of exposition (the “on the phone going over the situation” kind), Emily heads to her car to go to the BIG ENGAGEMENT PARTY. When what to her wondering eyes should appear but Sydney!

I looked at Medusa, that’s why my face is always like this.

She wants to explain that she knew Jenna from when she lived in Philly and that she befriended Emily to keep an eye on her for Jenna, so to speak. Then she says “I didn’t expect to like you,” which is a horrible tease because she didn’t mean it in a gay way, at least not yet, so I groan audibly and Emily groans in her head and tells Syd she’s taking the coaching job because she wants to mess with her. Whaaaaaat? I think Emily has officially lived long enough to see herself become the villain.

Valjean, at last, we see each other plain

Spencer is at the lakehouse looking for clues! Someone is hiding under a sheet on a chair behind her, which makes me laugh because imagine someone sitting under the sheet for like, hours, waiting for someone to show up and find them.

Peek-a-boo, I see you

After a brief commercial break, Spencer sees the sheet move, grabs a fireplace poker and rips the sheet off to reveal… Old Man Jenkins! Just kidding, it’s Noel Kahn. He wants the pictures of Ali back so he has something to prevent Alison from turning on him. He plot-expositions that he obtained the pictures by breaking into Jenna’s house (at Ali’s request) minutes before it exploded and that Jenna obtained the pictures from Shana. Spencer tells him that she needs the pictures for Ali Insurance too and pokes him with the poker until he leaves in a huff, surely lamenting the fact that he didn’t make any copies of the pictures.

YOU CAN’T CUT “MOMENT IN THE WOODS,” IT’S VITAL TO THE PLOT

Meanwhile, probably, Hanna is pouring beer down the sink to symbolize the end of her drinking problem story arc! Aria slithers into the apartment to ask for forgiveness without apologizing and calls Zack a “jerk,” which is lenient but well-intentioned. The engagement is implied to be off, thank goodness, and the party is for sure not happening. Everyone hugs and cries.

God, your jacket is so amazing.

Back in the Marin Kitchen-O-Feelings, Ali and Hanna’s mom talk about the the BIG ENGAGEMENT PARTY being canceled at the last minute due to Ella “contracting food poisoning.” Ali is like “LOL IT’S SO FUNNY WHEN PEOPLE LIE,” but moment is interrupted when Hanna’s mom receives a phone call from Lieutenant Tanner.

My name is Jonathan Franzen. I’d like to order 50 pizzas. It’s for a prank.

Apparently the police apprehended the man who broke into the Marin house and want to question Ali at the precinct. Ali looks like she’s going to throw up all over the house of cards that are hopefully about to come crashing down.

Not enough lube

Starsweep back to Aria’s house where Ella is packing up to move to a motel because Byron, her ex-husband and Aria’s father, is home from his ambiguous conference. She tells him the engagement is off, and Bryon talks about how Ella is good at making small spaces seem bigger, which seems like it should be a double entendre but somehow isn’t. Everyone hugs and cries. I get up to pee because parent scenes are boring.

God, your jacket is so mediocre.

Alison and Mrs. Marin are at the police station, and shit, you guys, things are getting interesting. The police have someone in custody all right, and that someone is… someone we’ve never seen before?

Oh good, another generic white guy

AND he’s corroborating Alison’s kidnapping story perfectly? What the actual fuck is going on? Even Ali doesn’t seem to know anymore.

Glendale Community Theater Actress Of The Year

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