Elsewhere, Spencer and TobAy try their hand at auditioning for Spy Kids 5: Back in the Spy with a little Arkham Asylum break in. Spencer has the “override codes” to get in. I’m not sure if that’s real, but I guess neither is Hanna’s hair so we’re taking a lot of leaps of faith this season.

What’s the code I punch in to make you disappear?

At this point it’s important to let you know that Intern Grace thinks Spencer is totally on the A Team.

Don’t I look like a bad girl to you?

All the other Liars gather to stare at the mask some more. Aria and Emily fill Hanna in on the details. Hector Lime, an artist, did indeed copy Alison’s face to make a mask.

This is an intervention. Actually it’s a friendtervention.

Just in case you were curious, Hector isn’t, as you might have guessed, a 7th grader doing the classic Make A Mask of Your Face unit. He has a web address and everything! Unfortunately [email protected] isn’t actually accessible in our universe. I was pretty disappointed that ABC Family didn’t make a fake site. C’mon guys! Commit!

You can’t spell Hector without Heck. Kind of.

Hanna goes all macho on the other two Liars and declare that they have to go break into somewhere in the middle of the night. I don’t get it — does Rosewood not have any mini-golf courses? Is this how kids have to get their kicks?

She’s a wet blanket who only allows light petting!

into the war against the heteronormative  media.

The Liars go out to Hector’s studio which features decrepit wood siding, multicolored stained glass windows, a mannequin on the porch and a socially inept guy who answers the door. It’s a Rosewood classic!

Where are the iDollators at?

Hector has a smock on so you know he must mean business. The Liars show him the mask and he invites them in. If my Dungeons and Dragons experience has any predictive value for this episode, entering a cabin in the middle of the night almost always means Baba Yaga is going to try to eat you. What I mean to say is, “Fucking A Liars, use some God damn common sense!”

Oh I’m sorry, were you guys looking for a show with a coherent plot line? That’s down the street.

Hector invites the Liars into his studio. He’s pissed Alison covered up his mask of her with some other bullshit, but he remembers her well. Hector needed a young girl to make a Joan of Arc mask and Alison responded to an ad he placed. Probably because Alison was obsessed with herself.

Hector tells Emily she would make a great Medusa mask and, while it’s supposed to be creepy, I totally agree. I would buy the shit out of that mask.

We’ll give you a bunch of different size fake snakes. I’m sure you can find a place to put them…

The Liars continue to ask questions but Hector says he’ll only give them the intel if he gets something he wants.

I will also take your face, but preferably between my legs.

Over at the other break-in, Spencer and TobAy go to TobAy’s mother’s room. TobAy finds the window, and jumps up on it to simulate what his mother had done. Then he breaks down crying realizing that it’s very possible that his mother really did kill herself and he gave away the A-Mobile for nothing. It’s all very fucked up but no amount of tear jerking can make me give a shit about TobAy so, oh well, let’s move on.

Finally a shot of TobAy I can stand to look at.

Luckily, Spencer is 100% smarter than everyone in all of Rosewood. She notices that the roof juts out around the hospital such that it would have been impossible to jump out of the window but possible to get pushed out. I must not be as smart as Spencer because that doesn’t make any sense to me. But, whatever, I’ll bite.

I’m so glad I decided to come here. I just love the way gridding looks projected on to my face.

Back over in creepsville, Hector mixes up the plaster while everyone acts really uncomfortable around him. I’m at a loss as to why they didn’t say, “coolbeans we’ll come back in the AM and make a mask thing” instead of just doing this in the middle of the night when no one knows where they are.

Is he seriously about to put on a Taylor Swift record right now?

Hector says he made the Joan of Arc mask, but that Alison had asked for masks of herself so that she could give them to her friends. He also claimed to have broken the mold when he finished.

Shit We Learned This Episode

2. Alison had the mask made with her knowledge by a dude named Hector

While Hector chats he plasters up Emily’s face. It was one of those terrifying moments where you feel so sure that this dude is going to suffocate Emily or something. I hated it.

And once this is done she’ll have a fully functional isolation mask. And just think of all the fun things you can do then!

Oh and Aria gets scared and grabs a hammer, which might be the first smart thing anyone has done tonight. It would be even smarter if that hammer was mace, but then again who really cares because in Rosewood, just like the My Little Pony land of Equestria, all you need to survive is the magic of friendship.

If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in a good lesbian story line

While Hector, Emily and Aria talked, Hanna did some snooping. Even more snooping this episode than usual it seems! Hanna found some really scary stuff including her own reflection in the mirror! Something else too, which makes Hanna gasp, but they don’t show us what it is, so it’s probably a dildo.

Oh! It’s the Vix Skin Mustang! But I didn’t know it would be hot pink!

Hector pops Emily out of the mask mold and Liars are on their way. Emily getting out of the mask is actually a pretty intense moment, but you can only keep intensity up for so long before you kind of feel like, “Okay well if nothing is actually going to happen I’m going to go get a string cheese.”

All these heavy breathing skills are finally being put to the test

So then I just use this to make a bowl and we can all have Emily-Os for dinner every night!

When they’re a safe distance from the shop Hanna reveals to Aria and Emily what she found. Again, they don’t show us what it is, so yeah, totally a dildo right?!

But if all three of us can get a fist around it then it’s probably too big!

Elsewhere, Caleb took his usual nightly walk with no possessions down a random street. Tom, using his patented Caleb detector, tracks Caleb down and pulls up alongside him.

PSA: Don’t get in the car with strangers. Not even if they offer you candy. Not even if they offer you gift cards to Home Depot.

Tom’s pretty pissed that Caleb turned his daughter into a lesbian, and demands the two have a talk. He wants to know if Ashley sent Caleb or really what the fuck Caleb knows. At this point it becomes obvious that Tom knows something, which Caleb picks up on. If only Tom had just ignored Caleb after their earlier talk, Caleb would just continue to assume Tom was just sort of a dick.

Oh come on. Really? All that scissoring and you don’t think this is your doing?

Because no on in Rosewood is able to keep their mouth shut during a conversation, Tom gushes that he saw Ashley The Night Wilden Died. She came to his house and hit him up for money.

Caleb: “Why didn’t you tell me this today?”
Tom: “You’re just on the edge of it, you can still walk away.”
Lizz: “That’s what she said.”

So what did Ashley do after she hit Tom up for cash? Well… she stole his gun and ran away. Oh come the fuck on Ashley. How are we supposed to be on your side if you keep insisting on looking so guilt! Fortunately this is Pretty Little Liars so you know what’s actually going to happen is that we’ll find out Ashley was just joining Wilden that evening to attend a gun donation program to raise money for animal shelters. But either way:

Shit We Learned This Episode

3. Ashley had a gun The Night Wilden Was Murdered

Hark! Somewhere in the distance there’s a casting director looking for a middle aged man to play someone else’s dad. I must be off!

At home, Emily pulls plaster out of her hair and dreams a dream of time gone by.

Don’t pull my hair. Don’t pull my hair. PULL MY HAIR!

Pam walks in and is sort of mad that Emily was clearly up to no good, but it more upset because Department of Family Services called her and interviewed her. Looks like A called Family Services and said that Pam was too rough with Emily outside school. Between all of the craziness going on to Emily– the ulcer, her shoulder, the pain killers– they were concerned that Pam might be an unfit mother. Poor Pam. Little does she know they just live in a fucked-up unfit town.

Sorry honey, I know you keep expecting it to be Romi at the door but that’s just never going to happen.

Actually, can I be real? I think Pam was a bit rough outside school with Emily too. I can’t even handle this plot line. It’s giving me hives. I need Paige to come and give me a metaphorical oatmeal bath. Or a real one, I am so not picky.

Wait… so Captain Crunch isn’t actually a captain? Who would lie about their rank like that?!

At the Life Cafe Aria and her man friend drink lattes while Ella and her man friend drink cappuccinos. Everyone has a lot of feelings. No one drinks decaf.

Okay so we’ll each drink these coffees and then see who can last longer without going to the bathroom.

Listen Ella, you have to stop leaving a chair open for Elijah. That’s not even how that custom works.

Aria notices that Bakery Boy gets up and leaves Ella in a gesture that can only mean that Ella refused to go with him to Fantasyland. She rushes to her mother’s side and insists she absolutely must go on the trip. She says some bullshit about passion and adventure. I’d wager than to see your daughter go to prom and graduate from high school is an awfully big adventure too, but no one asked me. Regardless, Aria thinks it’s a good idea, so now Ella thinks it’s a good idea!

No one asks what Mike thinks. Mike got sacked at the end of season 2.

Don’t I look like I’m genuinely happy?

I suppose I wouldn’t mind doing some international fingerbanging before I die.

Ella goes to tell the big new to Baker Boy, and Sensei Hot Stuff comes to join Aria. He asks her if she’s going to miss her mother. Apparently he does the giving advice by asking questions thing too. It’s suddenly clear that Aria wants Ella out of town before A has time to fuck with her as badly as Ashley.

You see, the difference between like and love is that I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack.

Back at the ranch, Hanna goes over to Spencers and we finally get to see what was in the bag.

How did you even fit that many dildos in that bag?

And I was right! It’s a dildo!

And I think the mouth is fully functional if you know what I mean.

It’s not a dildo.

It’s a mask of Melissa face. I have no idea.

Hanna gets home and walks upstairs. She knocks on the bathroom door and her mother is in the bath tub.

Do I smell Chipotle?

Ashley apologizes through the door. Inside the bathroom, Ashley is filling up the tub. I am so scared she is going to kill herself. Am I morbid or is this how I was supposed to feel?

Over at her house, Spencer looks over the Melissa mask.

Now kiss.

While she does, there’s a knock at the door. Who’s at the door?

Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me.

It’s Real Melissa! Just in time!

Melissa wants to know what the hell Hanna was doing at the Police Station and Spencer wants to know what Melissa was doing there. We all want to know how on earth Spencer got so cute in that baseball tee. It’s like she’s playing for some executive lesbian softball team.

You want me at shortstop? Are you sure coach?!

We then proceed with today’s last installment of Deep Thoughts with Melissa Hastings. She talks about the meaning of all the people who have died, and whether most other girls fight with their sister like vicious cats who are also sisters and are also fighting. I would make fun of her more but I really love the piping on her blazer and you guys know how I feel about blazers.

Why do all the guys we go out with have the same hair cuts?

What exactly is so noble about Barnes and Noble?

Can something be lesbosexy if it’s neither lesbo nor sexy?

What if Katy Perry had kissed a girl and not liked it? What then?

Melissa asks Spencer if she had to pick between protecting her and protecting someone else she loved, who would she choose? This is the part where Spencer is supposed to jump up and shout “You! You! You dearest sister!” Then we get to find out everything Melissa knows and it’s awesome! Instead we cut to another scene.

Really? This is the plot you’re giving me to work with?

Across the street, Emily lies under her NJoy Pure Wand — I mean — quilt. I never noticed how pretty that quilt was until now!

God this stainless steel is much colder than I thought it would be.

A Snapchats her because it’s late at night and she’s feeling insecure. It’s a picture of her mother behind bars. A’s photoshopping skills are unimpressive. Intern Grace’s are much better.

Quite possibly made with MS Paint.

Just then Pam walks in Emily’s room. She tell her that her father is coming home because Family Services called him too. I hate this plot line.

Just female ejaculated.

And somehow that’s the end of the episode? Except our final A scene in which A looks at an X-ray of Emily’s shoulder.  I’m no doctor scientist but that looks like a broken clavicle to me! Or maybe that’s just her acromion. I’ll let you know in three years after I graduate from med school. Maybe we’ll know who A is by then (but probably not).

Where’s the lesbian bone? Hopefully in the next episode.

Shit We Learned This Episode

1. Ashley wasn’t in New York The Night Wilden Was Murdered
2. Alison had the mask made with her knowledge by a dude named Hector
3. Ashley had a gun The Night Wilden Was Murdered
4. No one cares about Mike’s feelings

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