Belt Buckle visits Gracie in preggo prison, and tries to sell her on the whole “divine maternity” deal. Helena calls him out for claiming to love her but allowing her to be a brood mare. BB says the women of the compound don’t see it that way, because obvs he can speak for all women all the time. Gracie turns away from him and refuses to talk.

But getting pregnant is every 16 year old’s dream!

Rachel and Marion meet in Leekie’s old office and do that awkward air kiss hello thing. They talk about Delphine’s appointment as Brand New Leekie, and Rachel tells her that Delphine has all the qualities they need: she’s smart, she’s telegenic, and she’s banging a clone.

Now kiss

Marion wants to know how Rachel is holding up with all the daddy drama, but Rachel assures her that she’s on her game. Marion wants to acquire Sarah, and Rachel tells her she’s in hand.

Don’t look at her boobs don’t look at her boobs DAMMIT!

After their meeting, Rachel goes into a private room, has a martini, and watches her home videos on a wall-size TV screen. She laughs, she cries, she seems to have a breakdown.

Looks like that martini is kicking in.

This is a creepy scene and all, but I’m mad jealous of that wall screen.

She then changes the image to a large photo of Sarah and Kira. This cannot be good.

Rachel is A?! I fucking knew it.

Delphine meets with Rachel and tells her that the bone marrow is processing for the transplant. Rachel gives her the keys to Leekie’s office, and leaves to take a phone call. While she’s on the phone, Delphine peeks at Rachel’s laptop and sees a photo of Ben the Watcher in a confidential file. He’s a Dyad mole!

DUN DUN DUN!

Back at the baby farm, Helena starts getting dressed. Gracie wakes up, and Helena tells her that she’s running away. Helena tells Gracie that she’s a good girl, but if she doesn’t want to have her babies then she shouldn’t have to.

My face when I finished season 2 of OITNB

Gracie is over this misogynistic bullshit and wants to run away with Helena.

I would rather live in a storage unit than on this farm!

OMG you are going to love my place.

Hank shows up to stop them with a shotgun, but Helena tells him she’s not afraid and neither is Gracie. Hank tells Gracie that her mother went out west to round up some more brood mares (gross) and he knocks Helena out with the shotgun.

Hank with yet another one of his phallic accessories.

Hank then drags Gracie into a cell and locks her in. Belt Buckle shows up and is appalled that Hank would treat his daughter this way. He is also pissed that he didn’t get to father Gracie’s miracle babies.

Gracie, this is no time for Vauseman roleplay!

Before Hank can respond, Helena jumps on his back and starts attacking him. Belt Buckle frees Gracie and Helena tells them to run away while she chokes out Hank. Those two crazy kids make a run for it while Helena wrestles Hank to the ground.

He’s going down, I’m yelling timber!

Back at Casa Hendrix, Donnie and Alison bury Leekie’s body in the garage and fill in the hole with cement. Donnie draws a heart in the wet cement, because romance.

I put “Donnie + Alison + Leekie 5ever,” do you like?

Alison is crazy turned on and they start making out, culminating in them fucking on the freezer. Alison wants to do it “nasty”, which is unfortunate for us because we are exposed to Donnie’s bare butt. These two weirdos are starting to make sense as a couple for me.

BOW CHICKA BOW WOWitsmellslikedeadpeopleinhere

Hank wakes up to find himself tied to an examining table, his legs in stirrups. Dr. Helena has an enormous inseminator in hand and a pipe in her mouth. She shoves the inseminator up Hank’s ass and he screams. Helena’s warped sense of justice prevails yet again.

Helena does a pretty good Popeye impression.

Helena runs away and watches the farm burn to the ground. Goodbye Prolethians and goodbye Hank!

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.

Sarah is in recovery with Kira when Mrs. S tells her that Delphine is outside. Sarah gets into a car with Delphine who tells her that Ben is a mole. She tells Sarah to keep calm, but instead Sarah runs back into the hospital.

Dyad gave you a limo? Sweet!

Sarah tells Mrs. S that Rachel is making some kind of move and they have to leave. Sarah wakes up Felix and Kira and tells them they aren’t safe. Just then, Felix gets a phone call from Sarah… and gets a needle in the throat!

Et tu, sestra?

It’s not Sarah… it’s Rachel in disguise! Holy Shyamalan twist, you guys! The real Sarah runs back upstairs, but Kira and Rachel are already gone. They’ve been had.

She got totally clonesided.

Delphine returns to Dyad and cries to Cosima that she’s made a terrible mistake. Looks like everyone got played by Rachel. Kira wakes up in an all-pink girl’s room watched over by Rachel. Kira asks for Sarah and Mrs. S, but Rachel tells her that this is her new home.

I feel like Kira would not be down with the heteronormative decorating choices in this room.

She says that Kira will get used to it and maybe grow to like it there, just like she did. Has Rachel gone off the deep end? Is she going to make Kira her daughter? What the actual fuck is going on?!

Who knew Rachel would beat Helena in a Creepy Clone-off?

Tune in next week for the season finale, where all/none of these questions will be answered!

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