Welcome to a deluxe two-in-one review of the sixth and seventh episodes of season two of Orphan Black! These would have been up sooner, but things like A-Camp, A-Plague, and A-Pain of Returning to the Hetero World have sidelined me. So what did I miss? ALL THE THINGS, apparently.
We open with Sarah and Helena camping out in a tent, on their way to find the Swan Man. Helena won’t disclose the location of Cold River, as she fears Sarah will ditch her crazy ass once she gets what she needs. Helena wants to know if she can bear children, as she is good with kids (DEBATABLE) and she’s pretty sure the Prolethians weren’t fishing around in her womb for spare change.
Helena tells Sarah she is a good mother, but Sarah is uncertain, what with the constant danger and all. Then Helena charms Sarah with some shadow puppetry and they laugh and bond together. Throw in a neverending game of UNO and it’s basically every family vacation I ever took.
You guys, I’m loving sweet, silly Helena. I mean, we all know she’s a cold hearted assassin, but she just wants love. Despite hunting them down, she just wants to be a part of the clone club. Helena and Sarah go to sleep, head to foot like a human yin yang. And then Helena cracks a massive fart. Classy move, Helena.
In the mean time, while they’re dutch ovening the tent, Paul breaks into their car and goes through the glove box. He finds the Swan Man picture, and looks… well, I can never tell what emotion Paul is trying to convey. But he looks at it. Real hard.
The next morning, Helena and Sarah are back on the road. Helena is fiddling with everything: the mirror, the radio, Sarah’s nerves. She turns on “Sugar, Sugar” and starts singing along at the top of her lungs.
Sarah is annoyed, but quickly laughs in spite of herself. It’s basically just like the movie Crossroads with Britney Spears only not at all.
Over at Dyad, Delphine is examining Cosima for any reaction to the therapy. There’s no sign of reaction, so they are safe to proceed with treatment. Cosima is worried that Sarah and Kira will get sick, and she’s upset that she’s scared them by revealing her illness.
Delphine promises her that everything will be fine once they implant the stem cells into her uterus. Cosima is unsure, as the only thing she wanted implanted in her uterus was Delphine’s finger babies.
Lab geek Scott shows up to help with all the science. Delphine wants him there because he’s the best sequencing tech around, but Cosima doesn’t want to get anyone else involved in clone club. She tries to send him away, but Scott assures her that he already knows about the clones, and is ready to get his science on.
Meanwhile at rehab, we drop in on group therapy with Alison. Alison is hesitant to share with the group, but her counselor tells her that she needs to take responsibility.
Before she can dodge any more therapy, Alison is shocked to see Vic walk into the room. Vic the Dick is back!
Across town, Felix is in the midst of an artistic vodka-fueled bender. Art walks in and Felix almost attacks him, but then settles for grabbing his ass.
Ugh, I would love it so hard if these two became a couple. Alas, Art is just there to check up on Felix.
Back at rehab, Vic confronts Alison for that time that she maced him. Alison is like, “Dude I go through a can of mace every week, you’ll have to be more specific.”
She tells Vic that she and Sarah are clones, but he doesn’t believe her. He also says that the Godhead has put her there to test him. What the fuck is a Godhead? I’m confused.
Back on the greatest road trip ever, Sarah and Helena stop in front of the church where Swan Man was last seen. Sarah goes into the church and tells Helena to wait in the car. I hope she cracked a window.
Inside the church, Sarah sees photos on the wall and meets a Creepy Church Woman. CCW tells Sarah that the photos show the Cold River Institute. Turns out the church has saved all of Cold River’s archives and is keeping them in a scary church basement.
CCW tells Sarah that a Mr. Peckham has visited the archives several times, and Sarah tells her that she’s his student and needs to examine the files as well.
Meanwhile, Helena gets out of the car and heads to a bar across the street. Dammit Sarah, that’s what child locks are for!
Back at Dyad, Scott explains that he figured out the clone secret using a lot of sciency terms that I don’t understand. Also, he wants to see a clone. Cosima tells him one step at a time.
Helena has ordered one of everything and is working her way through a pile of drinks. A big guy tells her to pace herself, but she’s like, “I’m on vacation.” He then tries to get her to join his table, but Helena is in no mood.
When Big Guy tries to drag her over, she sprains his finger. They are broken up by a cute guy named Jesse (Suits Jr. from Suits) who apologizes and offers Helena pork rinds. She offers him a white Russian. I think it’s love. Meanwhile, Belt Buckle walks into the bar.
Down in the church archives, CCW tells Sarah that what she sees in the archives will haunt her. Sarah is like, “A few days ago I was tied up in a shower and watched my once thought dead twin murder my torturer, so I think I can handle some dusty old files.”
Donnie visits Alison in rehab, and Alison is pissed he didn’t bring the kids. She tells him if she shows up without them again she’ll cut off his dangly balls. Vic tries to calm them down and tells Alison that anger is a tool. As a confirmed tool, he knows what he’s talking about.
Also, Vic is on a Buddhist kick and is bowing to people and saying Namaste and Alison is having fucking none of it.
Sarah pours over files and finds old photos of deformed babies and medical records. Also, there’s a picture of “Most Perfect Baby,” which is weird because I was born in 1984 HEYO!
Felix wakes up, covered in paint and hungover. Art is still there; he’s made coffee and is currently assembling a True Detective-style evidence map on the wall. He needs Felix’s help to make sense of all the evidence they hauled out of Maggie Chen’s storage locker.
Back at rehab, Alison finds Vic praying in the gym and starts playing one-handed basketball. She tells Vic that Felix filled her in on his douchiness, and Vic assures her he’s changed/is enlightened now.
Alison asks why she needs to fess up about her drinking, and Vic tells her that it’ll make her feel better. They play basketball together, and it’s almost kind of cute.
Back at the bar, Helena spins a yarn for Jesse about her life. She claims to have been a detective, a scientist, and a soccer mom, but now she’s having adventures with her sestra.
Jesse wonders how a simple guy like himself could ever keep a woman of a million occupations like Helena. They arm wrestle and he loses. Paul and Belt Buckle watch from the bar. Belt Buckle wants to give Helena a minute to enjoy herself, because miracles need drinks too.
Sarah is on the phone with Cosima telling her about Cold River. Apparently, they were doing all sorts of experiments on babies such as eugenic sterilization and Project LEDA-style clone shenanigans.
Cosima says that good intentions and bad science often go together, and that scientists are just poking around looking blindly for answers. Can any scientists verify this in the comments section? I had a sneaking suspicion that’s what was going on.
Sarah asks Cosima if she’s going to be okay. Cosima assures her she will be, but we know that’s not certain. Sarah tells Cosima she can’t do this without her, and Cosima is like, “obvs, I’m the geek monkey.” They discover that Duncan aka Swan Man was at Cold River.
Back at the bar, Helena continues to beat Jesse at arm wrestling. A slow song comes on and he asks her to dance.
They are actually really sweet together, and it reminds us that Helena has never experienced this before. She had no childhood, no adolescence. She’s only ever been a pawn in some evil man’s game.
Speaking of evil men, Paul and Belt Buckle are at the bar divvying up the twins. Paul will take Sarah, Belt Buckle will take Helena, and no blood will be shed. As if on cue, Big Guy breaks up the dance and Helena starts beating the shit out of him. This escalates into a full on bar brawl.
Sarah tells the CCW that there are some files missing. Maybe they were taken by Duncan or Maggie Chen. As Sarah exits the church, she sees Helena being taken away. You can’t leave that girl alone for a second.