Orange is the New Black 113: Holy Lesbian Spit Chain Batman!

So, it’s the final Orange is the New Black recap for season one. How do we feel about that? I know in the time since the show aired on Netflix you and your girlfriend have had time to adopt at least three cats and name them Piper, Alex, and Piper/Alex. You’ve probably also rewatched the show about five times and started to recite your favorite lines to each other while waiting in line at Whole Foods, or the vegan grocery, or your local co-op. Or maybe you get farm fresh produce delivered to your house by the same bike delivery service that drops off your weed, I don’t know. I look forward to your comments critiquing my lack of representation for ALL types of grocery stores, how dare I.

What’s going on at the prison? Obviously a Christmas pageant is going on. I was a shepard in my fourth grade Christmas pageant, which just meant I got to wear a fake beard and my dad’s bathrobe and carry a gigantic stick. Technically my first venture into drag, now that I think about it.

Anyway, Sophia and Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder are in charge of the auditions. There sure is a lot of talent at this prison. We get an Audition Montage, which everyone knows is standard in any film or television show where any fictional theatre production is being put on. Almost as common as Makeover Outfit Trying On Montage or We Used To Hate Each Other But All These Moments Made Us Slowly Learn to Love Each Other, Specifically The Moment Where You Were Surprisingly Tender With The Small Child Or Animal And Then Looked Over At Me Looking At You Doing The Tender Thing Montage.

*aladdin voice* do you trust me

*aladdin voice* do you trust me

The important point you should be taking away from this montage is that Taystee and Cindy should do an album together, and Doggett wants to play the angel. The important thing you should be taking away from this show is that intersectionality is important, and serious life commitments like marriage and murder need a lot of forethought and planning.

Piper runs into Healy and she wants to get a request form to get married. Healy gives her a gigantic nope. Okay, wait. Piper wants to get married. To Larry, obviously, which means that whole ultimatum thing from the last episode ended up with a decision after all. And the decision is to go back to Larry? After going back to Alex after going back to Larry? After going back to Alex? Back and forth, back and forth? Jesus Christ, someone get me a fucking vuvuzela, I feel like I’m watching a fucking soccer game.

As a result of the big bust, Red has gotten kicked out of the kitchen and removed from her position of authority. Mendoza has replaced her, and wants to bring in her own staff. Red is obviously not okay with this, predicts failure, etc. They never would have removed Janeway from her post, I kept telling myself during this scene, and then angrily googled Janeway reaction gifs to post how I feel about this.

Alex wants to talk about the future. Alex wants to have a Pre-Processing Future Processing, which we’ve all had before. You know, where you want to talk about what you’d name your kids but also discuss why you can’t technically be in a monogamous relationship for another 6 years or so because of your belief system and how she’s not a vegan yet. Piper’s like hey, about that whole future thing, I’m definitely getting married to Larry after all. Which technically I was before I got here, and then I wasn’t going to, but now I’m going to, again.

Alex needs her own fucking vuvuzela. And she needs boundaries, which she establishes as basically “stop coming to me with your shit, don’t expect anything else from me, why do I keep falling for this bologna truck, etc.” Aw, you two kids and your complicated clusterfuck of a relationship. So fun!

sex-love-emotional-flirting-ecards-someecards

Bennett’s just wearing his dad jacket and carrying his dad tote bag in the parking lot but Pornstache wants to talk about how his dreamgirl is doing. Carrying Bennett’s fetus in her womb, man, that’s how she’s doing. Pornstache is already thinking about marriage and babies. Is Pornstache secretly a lesbian on the second date?

Doggett is eating some spicy eggs and plotting murder. Because you know what goes well with spicy eggs? Murder. Doggett needs to kill Piper, and she already got the ‘a-okay on the murder front’ email from Jesus, so she’ll be cleared in the salvation department.

this is the most terrifying image on my computer

this is the most terrifying image on my computer

Boo, Nicky, and Morello are working on a Secret Santa list for the family. Alex wants in, but Boo says she and Piper aren’t technically part of the family. By the family, they mean The Family, kind of like when the Godfather says you are family. Or when Bette and Tina invite you to their earth baptism ceremony thing, then you are family. Morello reminds them that they are down two members now that Mercy and Tricia are gone. Did you forget that Tricia had left us? I did until that scene, and then I was hit with a tsunami of feelings.

Morello won’t share her eggs with Boo because the eggs are incredible. Nicky says they can’t tell Red that the food is actually exponentially better with Team Latin@ in the kitchen. Things you learn on the USS Voyager: How to be a good captain, how to negotiate with Klingons. Things you don’t learn on the USS Voyager: How to properly prepare eggs.

captain janeway doesn’t give a fuck about preparing eggs

Piper is brought into Assistant to the Warden’s office, where she’s supposed to talk about the Larry interview and how to do a little spring cleaning if Larry is asked more about the jail. Piper throws Healy under the bus, asks for her marriage request form, and gets it. My question: is it a fleet of buses, and can Pornstache also be thrown under there too? Let’s hope it’s not Megabus, though, because we’d need the buses to actually arrive on time.

that goes for boltbus too while we’re at it

The guards are going through the prison mail, which I believe is technically allowed? Or not? Like it’s not fair, obviously, but I think it’s still legally allowed? I’m not sure how prisons work, just like I’m not sure how my left boob is slightly smaller than my right boob. Actually, I WebMD’d it, and I’m going to die.

Anyway, the letter reading reveals that Daya is getting disgusting fanmail from we all know who, and will likely be transferred. And Larry wants to be added to Alex’s visitors? Larry wants to visit Alex? Larry wants to visit Alex. What in every corner of hell kind of good is going to come from this? Why do we need to get our lines even more crossed in regards to Piper’s vagina? Is her clit some kind of gigantic magnet for unnecessary social drama and people who should never talk to other people about things?

a dramatic recreation of me realizing that larry wants to confront alex

Red is not very happy. She is in her sad place in her sad dorm and she doesn’t want to even do Secret Santa because everything is terrible and nothing is okay. Nicky is worried about seeing her prison mom not great, because prison moms should always be great. Like every day is Prison Mother’s Day.

Taystee is Piper’s new roommate, and she has discovered some fun things in their bunk. For example, a dead rat and a death threat! The note refers to Piper as an Amalekite. For those of you who weren’t forced to take Bible Studies as an elective in the sixth grade, an Amalekite were enemies of the Hebrews. If you know how the Old Testament works, you know that basically when you were enemies of the Hebrews, God was gonna smite the shit out of you if the Hebrews didn’t do it for him. So. Make of that what you will. Piper wants to tell the officers, which everyone thinks is a bad idea because Doggett is the kind of problem you have to solve yourself.

Picture 412

as opposed to closeted. don’t kill the motherfucker closeted.

Red has told Norma and Murphy to sabotage the kitchens, but Mendoza figures them out and tells them she’ll kick them out if they start anything.

Piper thinks maybe she can just talk with Doggett. Everyone thinks she is out of her mind. They also think she needs to learn to fight and make sure to get lots of critical hits in her vagina area. I don’t buy it. If you want to shut a lady body down, you go for the boob! Ever been punched in a tit before? That crushing pain in your areola and the dense tissue of the breast? Brutal. I’ll take dental surgery over titty punches any day.

Bennett tells Daya that Pornstache is in love with her, so obviously the sex they were having must have been the really loving happy good kind. Daya says maybe they could get a pregnancy test and Cesar could help and all manner of ridiculous things could come together via miracle to make this work. Bennett says he can’t do this. Now you can’t do this, Bennett? By all means, we’re already up shit creek minus the paddle, let’s just shoot holes in the boat. Kind of like the holes that must have been in your logic when y’all decided not to use a condom.

...is good plan is this how make good plan

…is good plan is this how make good plan

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Hard-lovin' butch made of tears, sweat, and spit, in that order. Professional lonesome polecat. Kate is living proof that you can take the hillperson out of the mountains, but she's still probably going to run back to the mountains anyway. Kate prefers the trashy to the classy, and the tender to everything else. Full-time writer, part-time lover. Heart got so big and soggy that she had to cut off all her sleeves.

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51 Comments

  1. Thumb up 14

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    I’m pretty sure everything that happened throughout the whole episode was erased from my brain by the jaw-drop and wincing that took place during the “Beating the Holy Hell outta Doggett” scene at the end. Jeebus!

    When is next season starting up again??

    Also, WTF about Alex not returning next season except to tie up loose ends??? That’s definitely what is most relevant to my interests.

  2. Thumb up 10

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    I was conflicted between yay Piper beat the shit out of her and OMG Piper you are a dumbass look at all this extra time you now got yourself. And then I said WHOOHOOOOO extra jail time full of lesbian sexytimes with Alex. But wait…..Alex isn’t on the show anymore.

  3. Thumb up 5

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    Can we talk about the fact that Alex is likely to leave in S2? Kept reading bits and bobs going on about it. How horrifying. Orange is the New Black without Alex? Almost as bad as when I found out Bomb Girls was ending.

  4. Thumb up 3

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    Okay, I need confirmation, because it’s been awhile since I watched: do we know for sure that Bennett didn’t use protection, or is it possible that the condom broke or something? (Shockingly, I have forgotten some details about the straight white dude.)

  5. Thumb up 7

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    Janeway reaction gifs. Guh. I’ll, uh, go be old and nostalgic and in my bunk, okay? Yes?

    also: more plz

    also also: this ending. It cannot go well. Either the Magical Plot-hole Bunny waves its fluffy tail over everything and somehow this all gets overlooked by Mr Totally-His-First-Wife-Left-Him-For-A-Lady-Amirite, or else we’ve just taken a serious left turn from the book, timing-wise. (Which I am ok with, but even with Plot-Hole Bunny on our side, there is no way this ends well.)

  6. Thumb up 21

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    Two notes about the final scene I think it’s kind of really important to mention. Unless – because I only watched it once, a couple weeks ago – I just imagined the significance of these things.

    1. Healy saw Doggett attacking Piper and walked away from it (the communication implied complicity also) – he didn’t just shrink away after his scolding.

    2. While she maybe went a little psycho as the beating didn’t stop, Piper was in an actual legitimate life-or-death situation. Though I know some of y’all are rather sympathetic toward Doggett, I don’t know how anyone can take the position at the end of the season that she is not disturbed and incredibly dangerous.

    Correct me if I’m wrong on those points, I just feel like I read the final scene differently.

    Those things said, this recap series has been AWESOME. Thanks for making each post so delightful!

  7. Thumb up 3

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    This made me laugh embarrassingly on the train. Having seen people snort into their phones on public transport, I know that it makes you look like a dork (unless you’re cute and then you’re a cute dork). And not just a little giggle and an ‘is she crazy?’ side eye from the person sitting next to me but a whole series of snorts and guffaws and giggles an quiet cackles that ensured the disdain and discomfort of the whole carriage. Thanks Kate.

  8. Thumb up 16

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    How can I wait until the next season?

    How can Alex not be there (or barely be there?)

    When will Clea Duvall show up?

    When will we get more of dreamy frosted-hair? I think she’s in the background rather conspicuously often, I don’t think it’s just that I notice her.

    When will we get a Taystee flashback? And Poussey? And Big Boo? And Sue? When will we get a flashback and further characterization of any of the Hispanic women besides Daya?

    I think Piper went beyond the appropriate dosage of beating the shit out of Doggett. Totally legit to beat the shit out of her, but I think she snapped, she want further than necessary, all her pent up rage and repressed everything screeching out. I only like Piper when she loses her temper. It’s the only time I think she’s being sincere or real, when she loses it. I think she looks to more powerful, “strong” personalities to protect and shield her- Healy, Alex, Ms. Claudette. Larry’s not particularly strong, but he’s a guy, and I feel like she wants to believe she is the way he sees her… so innocent and sweet and girlish. How manipulative she is, how lacking in self-responsibility, how flaky and clueless… it all connects in my eyes to that mode of relying on other seeing you as that sweet young thing that needs protection as a way to get by. When she loses her temper she’s not always justified or in the right, but I heave a sigh of relief because I feel “ooooh, THERE you are!”

    I could be wrong, but I don’t think that Piper was acting in self-defense would much matter even if she did scale back on the beating and even though Healy did turn his back…. I feel like no matter what the fight would have given her more time.

    • Thumb up 8

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      yeah, except I never really had strong feelings of dislike towards Piper because, unlike most of the other characters, she’d just started her sentence. Anybody starting at something or new to a place is going to look foolish and do dumb things. I feel like until they treat me to flashbacks of everyone’s first month there, I’ll reserve judgment.

      Doggett, I’ve finally decided, was a fail for me. The flashback featuring her partner is interesting but the only other one (pre-arrest) is… Tiffany being disrespected. And Tiffany and her shotgun. BLAM! Cue the Looney Tunes music. Even her bigotry falls flat until confirmed by a male authority figure; then it becomes deadly. I don’t know if this is social commentary, but if so it’s patronizing. The woman’s a cardboard cut-out.

      Daya wasn’t characterized. She was sexualized. She’s one of the few Puerto Rican characters who was allowed to talk on a regular basis, and of course to facilitate a story that wound up with her pregnant. Which is pretty stereotypical fare.

      But yeah, I’d love to see Clea Duvall.

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      I completely agree about loving it when Piper goes off. She pretty much always has a front up. My three favourite Piper scenes (other than Alex sexytimes type scenes) are when she delivers that epic speech to Healy in SHU, when she “hulks out” at Alex re. her turning her in to the feds, and when she beats up Doggett. See what they all have in common? Yeah. She’s actually a much more complex character than many people give her credit for, and I find her fascinating.

  9. Thumb up 3

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    I can’t wait for the next season, specially to read your recaps.

    I hope that for season 2 we get to see the missing flashbacks and that the show doesn’t turn into a kind of maximum-security-prison-thriller; after Piper beat Doggett I’ve no idea how she could get away with hers and stay in minimum security.

  10. Thumb up 8

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    Please tell me I wasn’t the only who started getting happy and excited that Piper actually started beating the HELL outta Doggett then after Doggett’s blood splattered the snow went YIKES.

    Still no sympathy for Doggett at this point and Healy. And I’m waiting to see the flashbacks for the other characters especially Big Boo.

    And I’d just like to mention that I was waiting on this recap. Four thumbs up!!!!

  11. Thumb up 4

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    “Jesus Christ, someone get me a fucking vuvuzela, I
    feel like I’m watching a fucking soccer game.”

    Unable to read more of article. Too busy giggling hysterically.

    P.S. I have a vuvuzela (yay South Africa!), you can have it if you want.

  12. Thumb up 8

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    3 things:

    The scene where Tucky attacks Piper in the shower actually felt like the most violating scene in the series for me (with a close second going to Alex feeling Piper up despite her protests in ep 12), partly because she was naked, but mostly because Tucky smeared her own blood on her. That was SO creepy. I got the chills.

    Your description of why Alex and Nicky had sex is spot on, both for their situation and for why I sleep with half the people I do. This is what happens when you’d rather sleep with friends/acquaintances than strangers. Thanks for invading my brain.

    “You’re not worthy of God’s love, you’re not worthy of anybody’s love” was the harshest line in the show, and IMO it was what ensured that Piper would go off. To be fair, Tucky probably was unaware of Piper’s relationship drama (i.e. losing both her lovers) in this episode, but damn.

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