Orange is the New Black 105: Chick-Fil-A Has Nothing On This Episode

Alex is reading and being a sexy intelligent person in your kick-off gif. Again, you’re welcome.

It’s a beautiful day in mid-autumnal upstate New York, so obviously it’s 20 degrees below zero and all the guards are still in line for coffee at Stewart’s. Upstate New York kids who got that, holler at me.

Piper’s got her book and her ridiculously crumbly Nature Valley bar – seriously, have you tried to eat one of those? you need a fucking mixing bowl and a vacuum cleaner – and she’s ready to enjoy another lovely day in prison. She goes out to a tree, settles into the damp frost (I actually cringed at how unpleasantly cold and wet that must feel), and starts reading How To Use Prison As A Time To Unpack Your White Guilt Backpack (And Shed That Stubborn Belly Fat!). Lo and behold, she is not alone, for there is a chicken. Within prison fences. Just hanging. Probably because she can sense Piper’s homotendencies and knows that the lady’s either a vegan or has negative feelings towards Chick-Fil-A, so.

this is the first image that comes up when you search 'lesbian chicken sandwich'

this is the first image that comes up when you search ‘lesbian chicken sandwich’

Nicky and Morello are reenacting my Catholic school years by doing the dirty in the chapel. Just kidding, if they were reenacting my Catholic school years they’d be wearing rainbow knee socks and reading The Return of the King on the toilet. Nicky wants to switch hands so she doesn’t get too much muscle on one side, which is a real issue I have given actual thought and consideration to before. Morello tells Nicky that they can’t have sex anymore because she needs to let her vagina re-tighten for the wedding night. Reminder: The wedding night with the dude. I…don’t think that’s how the whole vagina situation works, but okay. Before we can get into the biology of vagina tightness, some people bust into the chapel and the two hide under the alter.

i could fit my whole head in there and it'd still bounce back

i could fit my whole head in there with all my massive hair and it’d still bounce back

Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder (I’m going to call her this now, so everyone accept that and move on) and the chaplain are arguing with Pennsatucky, who I will be calling Doggett from now on because I have one bajillion issues with her portrayal on this show, about putting up a giant homemade cross. This does not go over well, since this is a chapel for all faiths, and a giant homemade cross does not technically fit into all faiths. Doggett starts yelling about amendments and her rights to religion, and then carries the cross out of the chapel a la Jesus. We had a life-sized cross in the eighth grade that we were allowed to carry from religion class to other classes throughout the day as a way to teach us humility and to experience religious conviction. I was the only one who pointed out the insurance nightmare that was our building with four floors and no elevators and a life-size cross being carried around by 13 year old redneck kids, so basically I was laughing hysterically during this scene at all the memories it recalled.

Picture 242

and now i have to drag the cross all the way back to the prison sex dungeon, thanks a lot bitches

Over at Ye Olde Prison Salon, Sophia is still not getting her proper hormone dosages and is not fucking happy about it. Boo, who is getting a haircut almost identical to mine, tells her that the nun, being holy menopausal and all, gets estrogen as part of her treatment, so maybe she should hit up the nun. Well, then.

boo found this cut on the "queer as fuck hair" tumblr tag

boo found this cut on the “queer as fuck hair” tumblr tag

Daya’s mom wants her to thread her eyebrows. Apparently her definition of motherhood is having your kids thread your eyebrows. I feel as if her kids will still somehow need less therapy than Angelica Porter-Kennard, maybe because they haven’t been kidnapped by fundamentals yet. Daya’s mom gives her sweet corn to trade for thread for ye olde threading, which gets Daya in trouble with Bennett. But wait, it’s not real trouble, it’s just secret sexy trouble, because while he’s weirdly berating her, he’s slipping a note into her pocket. Those kids.

we know honey, and we're sorry

we know honey, and we’re sorry

Meanwhile in Ye Olde Recreational Room, Piper is just so damn excited about this beautiful day, and she saw a chicken, guys. Everyone freaks out a little at the mention of the chicken, and not in a “I’m so excited for you I can’t believe you slept with that super hot butch text me text me” freaking out way, but in a “What the fuck everything we know and understand is about to be upended by the fact of this creature’s existence” freaking out way. Morello says to tell Red A$AP.

or did it lack flesh, was it a zombie chicken, do we have to deal with zombie chickens now

or did it lack flesh, was it a zombie chicken, do we have to deal with zombie chickens now

Daya reads Bennett’s note, which is just telling her to meet up with him and he’s sorry he has to pretend to be an asshole, mushy gushy feelings. She flushes it down the toilet. Which means it’s time for FFFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBAAACCKKKKSSSS.

Daya’s at home with her shit ton of brothers and sisters. Her sister has just flushed a Barbie doll down the toilet. The kids are in various stages of being neglected, but Daya’s mom is getting all dolled up to go out for the night. She has a scorpion tattoo that made my queer ass go “Oh, a Scorpio. That would explain her sexual intensity and her singular goal-driven attitude that blocks out all other needs.” and then I had to calm myself down and try to be a normal person. Daya’s mom is shitty to her kids, and then goes to make out with a dude outside for their date. Daya, who has obviously fallen into the mother role, is pissed, but accepts her responsibilities.

me as a babysitter

me before leaving my dogs with a babysitter

 

Back in the kitchen of the present, Red is pumped at the chicken sighting. Apparently the chicken escaped from being killed on a nearby farm and is considered to be a highly powerful beast. Red wants actual chicken that is not processed and frozen chicken to cook in her kitchen, so she’s going to give out Biore strips to the first person to catch it. Nothing like clean pores to motivate the capture and slaughter of a chicken.

maybe you're only slightly or mildly useless, like that weird flappy thing on the underside of your top lip that kind of attaches your lip to your mouth but not really

maybe you’re only slightly or mildly useless, like that weird flappy thing on the underside of your top lip that kind of attaches your lip to your mouth but not really

Sophia is cozying on up to Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder for hormones, but pretending it is for her faith and stuff. They head into the chapel and walk in on Doggett and her crew attempting to hang the cross regardless of the rules. Sophia says that is not a weight-bearing pipe, which she would know since she was a firefighter and had to deal with this kind of dangerous bullshit all the time, but Doggett is not going to let anything stand in the way of her conviction. Of course the pipe breaks and the ceiling collapses and everything is a shit mess. Knock knock, it’s Jesus, that was a dipshit move.

i love all the faces of shock and then sophia's just like "you dumb bitch"

i love all the faces of shock and then sophia’s just like “you dumb bitch”

Piper’s visit is not going terribly well. Polly is being shady about their business deal with Barney’s and being middle school bitchy to Piper about it. Larry doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything today. The Barney’s deal needs to not get fucked up because that would be all the money that Piper and Larry are relying on because, as you may or may not know, LARRY’S PARENTS PAY FOR HIS APARTMENT. Piper mentions that Alex is here, in the prison, with her, and Polly and Larry are like oh, wow, so that’s happening at some point. The audience is like IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE, JESUS. Jesus is like, man, I am attending to broken pipes today, let me fucking deal with one thing at a time.

it only took us four episodes to get here y'all

basically, and it only took us five episodes to get here y’all

Daya finds a stick of gum waiting for her at the guard station. Aw, the old stick of gum routine. Works like a charm on ladies everywhere.

the smile that only a stick of gum could provide

the smile that only a stick of gum could provide

Meanwhile at Ye Olde Chapel, it’s cleanup time. Pornstache the guard is in charge of this situation, along with the guy who runs the electrical shop. Apparently there is asbestos, which is fanfuckingtastic for all involved. Also Doggett has yet to be actually punished for this, but she claims Jesus Immunity. Doggett says that Sophia is the reason all this happened, and everyone stands up for Sophia, since Doggett is not exactly popular around here and being transphobic seems to be part of her package deal. Pornstache says this:

*mic drop*

*mic drop*

Piper tells Nicky about the chicken and Nicky, as usual, is not entirely sure there is a chicken. Nicky is a little bit preoccupied with the fact that Morello doesn’t want to sleep with her anymore, and whether or not she’d admit it, there’s a lot of sadness and loneliness there now. But Nicky thinks she’ll be back, so it doesn’t matter. You know what they say: You can’t marry away the gay either.

Daya is trying to scorekeep dominos for the Latin@ crowd, but she’s too busy making googly eyes at Bennett. Baby girl, curb it in, we could spot your crush from the space station. Piper and Morello are looking for the chicken, which has aroused suspicion. Apparently the chicken might have drugs in it, which could be worth something. Or it might have a ton of money in it, which is clearly worth something. Suddenly everyone and their mothers are looking for the chicken. Except for Daya and her mother, who are having a heart to heart about the Bennett situation. And by heart to heart, I mean Daya’s mother is telling her to sleep with an uglier guard who will bring her presents and money as opposed to Bennett’s cute ass.

robots making out...that's the best i can do for this caption, sorry kids

robots making out… that’s the best i can do for this caption, sorry kids

FFFFLLLLAAASSSSHHHHBBBAAACCCCKKKK to Daya’s mom managing to get a guy to bring her presents and money… or start cooking drugs in her kitchen, either or. Daya says that the other kids are hungry, and Daya’s mom makes her man give Daya money for food. That’s one way to solve the problem, I guess.

HOW DOES DAYA'S MOM KNOW WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE

HOW DOES DAYA’S MOM KNOW WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE

Back in the present, it’s time for yoga. Oops, it’s also time for AA. Alex is checking out Piper, Nicky is checking out Morello, Sue is checking out everyone.

Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder and Sophia are talking about the body and changes and you get where this is going. So does Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder, though, since she tells Sophia she can’t have her estrogen. Sophia is pissed off, but Sister tells her that it’s not actually about her body, but about how she feels having to leave her son and wife alone while she’s in prison.

WELCOME TO CATHOLICISM!!!! CHEERS!

WELCOME TO CATHOLICISM!!!! CHEERS!

Yoga/AA scene progresses with this incredible line from Taystee:

Picture 254Picture 255

Alex confesses that she started using heroin when Piper left, and that even that couldn’t fill the gap that was leftover from their breakup. Piper fumes about this confession and says that’s not even what happened, and then leaves in a huff. Dyke drama, y’all.

like stone top levels of control but then i turned out to be a switch so hey holla girls

like stone top levels of control but then i turned out to be a switch so hey holla girls

Larry is visiting his parents, who, again, pay his rent. How old is this grown-ass man again? He says he’s writing an article about edging, though, and wow, things I wouldn’t share with my parents 101: how I’m lately trying to masturbate without coming. His mother is concerned about this, thinks Larry should always be coming. Okay, wow. No. Cringing, vomiting, not feeling okay right now. We also learn that Alex was definitely responsible for putting Piper away, but whatever, I don’t actually blame her because again, Piper did what she did.

oh go dnow hat noasdasfgasdasf

oh go dnow hat noasdasfgasdasf

So the chicken is now worth a lot of money, probably filled with diamonds and money and heroin. Red is mad that everyone else is in on the hunt because she specifically is the only one worthy of the chicken.

Picture 258

Unfortunately the hunt does not last, because everyone is made to lay on the ground and be berated by Pornstache for running. No running, guys! Meanwhile, Bennett gets a note at the guard station, but there’s no drawing on the back like the usual notes from Daya. Everyone sees where this is going, right?

Healy tells Piper that she’s new and will soon learn to not get involved in this stuff. Also the chicken isn’t real. What else isn’t real, Healy?

Picture 259

Oh, honey. Wow.

Piper is on the phone waiting for her meeting. Apparently she and Larry have been borrowing a lot of money from their parents? Again, how old are these grown-ass people? My sympathy for these two kind of died even more than usual. Piper thinks Alex is sabotaging her with the chicken rumors. Piper is a little obsessed with Alex, huh? Larry tells Piper that Alex didn’t name her. Not exactly, buddy. Also good job at likely fueling the Piper/Alex sexytimes.

imagining alex in the shower not turning her in...or turning her in, not picky

imagining alex in the shower not turning her in…or turning her in, not picky

Bennett arrives at his secret sexy times with Daya in the utility closer but surprise! It’s Daya’s mom, with her titties out, ready for the action. Shitty move, Daya’s mom. Real fucking shitty. The light goes out and we don’t know if anything goes in!

FFFFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBBAAACCCKKK to Daya and the other kids visiting their mom in prison. Apparently she took the fall for her boyfriend, who is still cooking in their kitchen. Daya’s mom doesn’t actually care about the kids, but wants to know if he’s sleeping around. Daya gets pissed off and Daya’s mom thinks she’s sleeping with the boyfriend. My need to constantly give Daya a hug increases by the minute. Unfortunately Daya goes and hugs her mom’s boyfriend… with her mouth.

Piper is on the phone about to have the conference call with Barney’s. But who appears outside, beckoning her to follow? Is it Jesus? Is it Lesbian Jesus? No, it’s the chicken. And Piper decides to go follow the chicken, instead of following her soapmaking dreams.

still picturing alex in shower

still picturing alex in shower

Until next time, I’m off to eat some oysters. Stay real, bitches.

 

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Hard-lovin' butch made of tears, sweat, and spit, in that order. Full-time writer, part-time lover, freelancing in fancy cheese and cider. Made in America but making a darn good life of it in Dublin, Ireland.

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52 Comments

  1. Thumb up 8

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    I know right? Taystee is spilling her guts and I’m trying to take her pain seriously but the sauce was just too much, this show is hilarious sometimes. I cant wait to hear your thoughts about Doggett. I find her awfulness awesome. Like she scares the crap out of me but she is a lot of fun to watch.

  2. Thumb up 21

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    this recap is, as ever, amazing, but I just have to say, just to everyone who’s been harshing on piper for being angry with alex: I think it’s fairly unlikely that if you had a girlfriend who asked you to carry drug money and drugs for her, made it seem as though it wasn’t dangerous, and then, ten years later, gave you up to the cops for the few times you did it before you saw sense and stopped, that you’d be like, hey, it’s all on me, no worries, let’s be pals. No. You wouldn’t. You’d be mad.

    • Thumb up 15

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      Totally. I don’t understand how people can hate Piper and love Alex. Alex used to work for a drug cartel, ie a vicious organization that kills, tortures and destroys people’s lives. And she desn’t seem sorry about what she did, just sorry she got caught. She also named Piper and lied about it AND kept lying about it even when they’re sleeping together. But yeah, she’s hot, so that’s ok, right?

      I have to say, I almost liked Pornstache for 2 seconds because of this:

      Pornstache: How the fuck did you survive infancy?
      Doggett: my auntie helped my mamma
      Pornstache: that’s a rethorical question! you don’t understand what a fucking rethorical question is!!

      • Thumb up 8

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        Though Pornstache inspires a primal patriarchy-hating rage the likes of which I haven’t felt since middle school homeroom, I do agree that something like humor/amusement/WTF AM I FEELING WHY DO I AGREE WITH PORNSTACHE flickered in me during that conversation.

      • Thumb up 1

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        not ashamed to agree with him. To quote one of my absolute heroines, Cersei Lannister – approx: in the game of thrones you do what you have to. And your allies are whoever they happen to be. See you progressive values and political high ground, not quite as soon as the next life, but someday maybe.

      • Thumb up 1

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        Well, yno- everyone is in jail for a reason. They didn’t get there because they took a wrong turn on the way to church. None of them are innocent of crimes, so we’re speaking about relativity of characters’ personalities and actions here.

        • Thumb up 3

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          I wasn’t making a general blanket statement about the entire prison system. I apologize if it may have sounded that way. I was referring to the stories we had witnessed thus far in OITNB including Piper and Alex’s. But great, twist my words.

        • Thumb up 8

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          Olivia, I didn’t mean to twist your words; my mistake that you only meant the characters on the show; but the point of view I thought you were presenting is one that most Americans hold, and that I really disagree with, which is why I said something; that people in prison deserve to be in there, and that we therefore don’t need to worry about whether there’s anything wrong with the system or how they’re treated or the concept of prison itself, because we would never do anything “wrong” and end up there. Like, we would never become mentally ill, or addicted to drugs, or take drugs recreationally EVER, or defend ourselves against an abuser (or, in the case of queer women of color, defend ourselves against someone who attacks us on the street), or do sex work, or just be the wrong race, class, or gender presentation in the wrong place at the wrong time with an asshole cop who wants to meet his target number of arrests. And actually, if the show makes viewers think that the characters pretty much deserve to be there, then that’s kind of a problem with the show. Again, this really isn’t aimed at you; I just get passionate about this issue.

    • Thumb up 7

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      Piper isn’t some innocent victim of Alex. She chose to help Alex. Not only that. Alex told her upfront exactly who she was the day they met. Piper was a damn fool from the beginning. I don’t remember a scene of Alex even denying she turned Piper in. Larry knew about it but it’s not Piper asked her straight out, “Did you rat me out to the cops?” And by the time we get to the episode where Alex explains why she did it I totally understand how she could be so angry to have done so at the time. It also got her a reduced sentence. Lets not pretend like the old Piper wouldn’t have done the exact same thing to Alex if given the opportunity. She would have sung like a bird.

      And honestly, Larry isn’t that much of a better catch. He’s just not a criminal. He is a 32 year old man who parents pay his rent and he has no stable job. I’m sorry but “writer” doesn’t count if it’s not a profession that’s actually helping you put food on the table. One article isn’t going to do that. I swear every scene he’s in he spends it whining about Piper to her friends and family. He may love her and that’s great and all but on paper he’s not that much better of a catch than Alex. He’s not a drug trafficker. I guess that’s the bar really.

      • Thumb up 17

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        Can’t remember which episode it is but there is one scene where Alex is like “I would never lie to you.” and says she didn’t turn her in. So Alex is apparently good at lying.

        Honestly I see both sides. Alex turned in a woman she hadn’t seen in 10 years and who, when she had last seen her, had left her after her Mother had just died.

        Piper is in jail for carrying drugs once, 10 years ago. I’d be pissed at the person who named me too.

      • Thumb up 2

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        I can see both sides, and like, I agree that Piper made her own decisions and I can see why Alex turned her in, but of course I understand Piper’s anger and frustration. I think it was royally screwed up of Alex to have that whole scene where she insists she didn’t turn Piper in and then has that really dramatic I would never lie to you thing going on, because that obviously isn’t true. I mean, Piper’s actions got Piper in prison, but I think Alex’s lying is unforgivable. That’s just me, though.

      • Thumb up 3

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        I think there is a scene in episode 2 (possibly 3?) when Piper confronts Alex in the bathroom about Alex naming her at the trial and Alex says something along the lines of “I didn’t name you, and f–k you for thinking I did.” So just for the record, she DID lie directly to Piper about it, presumably not thinking that Piper would ever be able to find out for certain either way.

    • Thumb up 6

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      I personally like Alex and can’t stand Piper, but it’s not because I think that Piper shouldn’t be mad. I don’t know how far you’ve gotten in the series, but by the end I just was over Piper’s weak pity me attitude. She has some possible redemption in the last episode, but Alex deserves better, significantly better than Piper ends up treating her.

      • Thumb up 7

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        Yeah, like really. Even if I knew things were over between me and my girlfriend and I had to leave- if her mother died, and she asked me to, I would still go to the funeral with her. It’s not as if she deeply betrayed me or abused me, what would warrant me to not go to something as massively important as that with her?
        There wasn’t a strong enough reason besides Piper not wanting to miss the flight. aka not giving a damn. She was just gone, like a whirlwind. That’s a terrible way to treat someone.

        • Thumb up 1

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          I mean, potentially Alex was just using Piper as a drug mule.. we as the audience get to see the scenes where Alex tells Nikki that ‘Piper was different’ and all that jazz, but Piper might not see it from that angle.

        • Thumb up 1

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          So I could see Piper not wanting to be involved with Alex at all at the time and under the circumstances.

          Not that it totally justifies leaving someone when their mother dies… but I can see the other side of it.

        • Thumb up 2

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          I agree that we only see snippets of their relationship so we can’t know all the events that preceded the breakup. However, seeing how Piper treats people in her current situation, she seems VERY selfish in her relationships. I don’t think she really thought about how her leaving could hurt Alex, and probably didn’t really care.

        • Thumb up 1

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          Yeah i think no one is more selfish than Piper… In a way she used Alex! For adventure, and adrenaline, going “bad”, travelling, etc etc. And then she wanted just the non-drug traficker Alex, but sorry babe is a whole package. Maybe im just really mad at Piper for being such a hypocrite.

  3. Thumb up 14

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    “Nicky wants to switch hands so she doesn’t get too much muscle on one side, which is a real issue I have given actual thought and consideration to before.”

    seconding this, also an A+ example of the show actually knowing How Lesbians Have Sex

  4. Thumb up 26

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    My favorite part was when Morello and Nicky were in the chapel and Morello says, “Sometimes I feel like you’re trying to climb inside my womb.” and Nicky says “What can I say? I’ve got mommy issues.”

  5. Thumb up 13

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    Larry lost me completely when I found out his parents are paying his rent. He is 32 years old with delusions that he will one day become a famous writer. Okay dude. While you are waiting on that to happen why don’t you get an actual job that pays the bills in the meantime? Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to be around forever. Talk about spoiled.

    I also question just how good of a writer he actually is if the only good idea for a story he can up with is about ‘edging’. And it was an idea that was given to him by somebody else! Jesus.

  6. Thumb up 1

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    I had good feelings about Sophia and the nun chilling out in this one, they both got some much needed screen time, and it was one of the earlier Things that reacted to external comedic relief, rather than diminish the (relative)solemnity they’re rocking

    • Thumb up 15

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      Plus the nun didn’t give Sophia trouble for her identity she was more concerned with her well being. Another example of religious people who except things in this show.

      I like that they show both sides of it.

  7. Thumb up 5

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    “Nicky wants to switch hands so she doesn’t get too much muscle on one side, which is a real issue I have given actual thought and consideration to before.”

    no seriously this is not a joke! i actually do weights with my right arm because it’s so freaking uneven with the left. not fun! (well actually it is really fun)

  8. Thumb up 4

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    I have a confession: Bennet’s dimples and brown eyes make me boy-swoon. IT’S SO WEIRD. I think I ship Daya and Bennet the hardest out of any couple on this show because gawddamnit they’re so cute together.

    It’s like the reverse of reality where I’ll usually ship the one homo-couple for reasons out of a sea of heteros, but now, I dunno, I just can’t.

    (I reconciled his transphobic comments as a nervous response to the asshattery pressured by Pornstache)

  9. Thumb up 10

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    “Baby girl, curb it in, we could spot your crush from the space station.”

    It’s statements like this that have me looking forward to these recaps. Keep ‘em coming, because I have little impulse control and watched all of it in 3 days.

  10. Thumb up 2

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    I’m a middle-class straight cisgender male. Sorry about that.

    I’m also a Jew of roughly Larry’s age from the New York metropolitan area, and, while reading this recap, I felt compelled to set up an account just to clarify that Larry’s conversation with his parents is pretty much par for the course.

    Little wonder why we spend so much on therapy.

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