“Orange Is The New Black” Episode 102 Recap: Punchin’ Titties 101

We’re kicking off our second Orange is the New Black recap with this gif of Alex. You’re welcome.

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Okay. Dry off your panties, because it’s FLAAASSSHHHBBAAACCCKKKK TIME.

Red and her husband used to run a restaurant/cafe/bakery that’s frequented by the Russian mafia. Red’s husband says that it’s a good idea for her to be extra friendly to their wives, if you know what I mean. Alas, I don’t mean sexy friendly. I’ve seen Eastern Promises, I know how this shit goes down.

and the way it goes down is aragorn kills the bad guys for you

and the way it goes down is aragorn helps the lesbians kill all the bad guys and secure marriage equality!* (*not actually the plot of eastern promises)

Flash forward to Ye Olde Lesbiane Jaile Kitchene. Remind me later that adding ‘e’ to the end of all these words isn’t really working anymore.

Red is pleased to hear that Piper did not enjoy her tampon breakfast sandwich. I would be worried if Piper had enjoyed her tampon breakfast sandwich, but I once heard rumor of a friend of a girlfriend of a friend who mixed her Diva Cup contents with her food on occasion, so. To each their stomach-turning own!*

*I look forward to your angry defensive comments re: the benefits of ingesting menstrual blood.

Piper asks Healy if she can switch prisons because this one is being mean to her and hurting her feelings. Healy asks if the lesbians are responsible. I imagine Healy alone in his basement late at night, mapping out on his walls hundreds of newspaper clippings and crumpled photographs. Red yarn connects the crisis on Wall Street and world hunger and the twinkie shortage and World War One and – yes! He’s done it! All signs point to LESBIANS!

was scissoring involved? how about fisting? did you use a dental dam? did you boil the dildo first?

was scissoring involved? how about fisting? did you use a dental dam? did you boil the dildo first?

Piper attends prisoner orientation, which is pretty identical to my required 5 hour driver’s ed where a guy with a mullet told us “little ladies” that we were always doing our makeup while we drove, silly us. There’s a vacant seat next to Alex, who gestures towards it. Piper takes the broken non-working uncomfortable chair over Alex, which I believe is some kind of metaphor for Larry. You can sit on it all you want, but you and your ass both know it’s not doing the trick.

ikea presents the alex chair: ridiculously good to sit on, guaranteed to have you walking off bow-legged

ikea presents the alex chair: ridiculously good to sit on, guaranteed to have you walking off bow-legged

At Ye Olde Canteene, Red is still preventing Piper from being fed. Damn, Red is a badass.

Diaz goes to ask her mom for an extra pair of khaki uniforms. Her mom continues to taunt her, and has adopted a new “daughter” in prison. I want to give Diaz a hug 112% of the time.

Picture 101

and i’ve already got an orange glow in the dark strap-on, so it’s gonna clash

Taystee gives Healy the 411 in exchange for candy. Healy gives her Good N’ Plenty, though? Come on, Healy, you can at least manage some fucking Starbursts. Don’t fuck her over with that Good N’ Plenty shit. No one wants little nibs of licorice ass.

taystee: woman after my own heart

taystee: woman after my own heart

Red is listening to opera and having her legs shaved for her while she reads a YA romance. Reread that sentence and tell me she’s not the motherfucking boss. Piper walks in and attempts to apologize. Red tells her she’s weak and fuck no is an apology gonna change anything. This moment is awesome. I don’t know what it says that every time Piper gets slammed down by her fellow inmates, I feel like high-fiving them, but it’s working for me!

this is an awkward angle

this is an awkward angle

Piper can’t sleep because surprise, she’s hungry. This triggers a FFFLLLAAASSSHHHBBAAACCCKKK to when she and Larry went on one of those trendy cleanses that able-bodied yuppies seem really excited about all the time. In this case, it’s a lemon cleanse. For people who clearly attended higher education via the legacy of their parents’ economic status and life goal projections, they’re pretty stupid about ways to get healthy.

this should have been one of those little tips that your fiancee probably enjoys putting her face in other vaginas

this should have been one of those little tips that your fiancee probably enjoys putting her face in other vaginas

Back to the present and Ye Olde Visitatione Daye. Diaz and the new guard Bennett share a moment, and if you’re not screaming ADORABLE, MAKE IT HAPPEN at the screen, then your heart is cold and dead and I feel sorry for you. Piper and Larry finally see each other (it’s been like…half a week, right?) and Piper starts freaking out about the starvation situation. What would she give to be having a love affair with an ice cream sandwich right now? Piper asks Larry not to watch Mad Men without her. At this point in the viewing, my girlfriend and I turned to each other and discussed whether or not we would hold each other to such a request. We could not decide if this was too cruel a commitment or not. Then we started talking about whether or not I could put my hands on Christina Hendricks’ butt and still honor the relationship, and then we got distracted. Anyway.

this image is always appropriate for any recap of any show ever

this image is always appropriate for any recap of any show ever

Piper sees Alex with a girl. Alex winks at Piper over the shoulder of the girl as they say goodbye. Someone clearly got an A in chemistry.

hey baby how about we recreate this hug with my thighs

hey baby how about we recreate this hug with your thighs and my face

By the way, have we named this ship yet, guys? Vausman? Pipex? Alper? Chapse? Get on it, kids.

Red is awoken in the night because Betty’s dead! No, not Betty! Betty, by the way, is a refrigerator. Which means everyone needs to clear the food out of the fridge, including possibly a dead cat? Nichols, everyone’s favorite lesbian junkie, finds out that you can get high off of some chemical in the now warm fridge so she’s got big plans. Piper decides this is the perfect time to confront Red about the whole bloody tampon starvation situation, and thinks Red should just straight up punch her in the face. Red says nothing is changing, she is still a dumb yuppie, she will starve 4 lyfe. Boom bam bang wow.

YAS

YES

FFFFFLLLLAAAASSSSHHHBBAAACCCKKK!!! Red is powerwalking with the Russian ladies in a new windbreaker that I MUST HAVE. I could not love tacky nylon more than I do now. Red tells a joke that her fellow powerwalkers do not find terribly funny. They’re clearly trying to ditch her like the hot girls ditching my awkward teenage ass, but she’s not really catching on. We still love you, Red.

when your tits double as a waterbed, this can happen

when your tits double as a waterbed, this can happen

Back in the present, Red’s confronting Healy on the toilet to get a new freezer. Red doesn’t give a shit. Get it? HA. I’m hysterical.

FFFFFLLLLLAAASSSSHHHHBBBAAACCCKKKK! Polly and Piper make soaps at home. Let’s sell the soaps, say Polly and Piper. Polly and Piper are going to sell soaps. Hurrah.

at co-ops, lesbian communes, the lilith fair, dinah shore, you get it?

co-ops, lesbian communes, the lilith fair, dinah shore…get where i’m going with this?

Piper and Nichols are in line at the commissary, which is basically the jail store. Piper doesn’t have any money, so Nichols has to order for her. Piper’s looking for shea butter and cocoa butter for some secret reason, likely not sexual. Speaking of sexual, Nichols has picked up on Piper’s chemistry/drama/general obvious they should bang vibes with Alex, and she’s onto her ass.

of course you do honey

of course you do honey

Piper goes to Sophia to try and get shea butter or cocoa butter. Sophia is only going to do it for a price. That price turns out to be Taystee’s new blonde streak. I love Taystee, I love Sophia, I love everything.

true dat

piper in a single line

Crazy Eyes overhears that Piper is looking for hot peppers. She brings them to Piper in her cell where we learn her name is actually Sue and she doesn’t need to trade, she’s just being nice. This is a really sweet scene and I have a lot of feelings about it. Piper uses it to chew up and mash with her other ingredients, nom nom nom prison soap.

Picture 179

Alex slips Piper some corn bread at lunch, but Piper throws it away. Don’t worry, Alex. There’s a massive legion of lesbians who would accept anything you slipped into them.

FFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBBAAACCCKKKK! Red finds out the Russian Mean Girls have been powerwalking without her. How does Red deal with this? She chews them out and then punches the main mean girl in the tit. She punches her in the tit. In the tit! IN! THE! TIT! And it ruptures or breaks or something because it’s fake, and I don’t even know, I’m still reeling from the tit punching!

Picture 180

 

And now it’s time for some narrative resolutions!

Piper gives Red the salve, which is for Red’s bad back! Yay!

YAY

YAY

Diaz got gum from the cute guard! Yay!

Picture 182

Larry watches Mad Men! Nay!

Picture 183

 

Alex is being starved out! Nay!

queue forms offering certain things for alex to eat in place of food

queue forms offering certain things for alex to eat in place of food

Sue shares her headphones with Piper and then feels her up! Yay/Nay!

yeeeaaaaahhhhh pretty much

yeeeaaaaahhhhh pretty much

 

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Hard-lovin' butch made of tears, sweat, and spit, in that order. Professional lonesome polecat. Kate is living proof that you can take the hillperson out of the mountains, but she's still probably going to run back to the mountains anyway. Kate prefers the trashy to the classy, and the tender to everything else. Full-time writer, part-time lover. Heart got so big and soggy that she had to cut off all her sleeves.

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76 Comments

  1. Thumb up 12

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    I think you should work in an Arrested Development reference into every recap. I get excited butterflies* every time someone says “no touching” on this show so it’s good to know other people are making tenuous links when they can.

    *not Alex-level butterflies you understand, but they’re still valid butterflies.

  2. Thumb up 9

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    “You can sit on it all you want, but you and your ass both know it’s not doing the trick.”
    Oh my god, I almost sprayed blackberry smoothie out of my nose.
    Four for you Kate!
    You go Kate!

    I’d sit on the Ikea Alex chair fo’ sho’. Also agreed on the Mad Men gif.
    This is a difficult ship to name…DrugYuppie?
    All of the combinations I can think of from their names sound like an alien race.

  3. Thumb up 1

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    I just want you to know that i should be studying for mi final, but nooo, thanks to your recommendation im watching this show.
    I REGRET NOTHING!
    Ps: remember Bomb Girls´s bad british accent guy? he was a police man in a episode of the L word in season 1.

  4. Thumb up 3

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    “I look forward to your angry defensive comments re: the benefits of ingesting menstrual blood” IT’S SO FULL OF NUTRIENTS OKAY GOSH

    okay I am kidding but I do know of people who water their plants with Divacup water which seems like it would grow super lush plants?

  5. Thumb up 9

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    Yes, another recap! I’m not still sure how I feel about these recaps being a week apart. On the one hand, I devoured this series in two days and I really want to hear what other people think about it (especially re: shipping Vausman despite the fact that Alex is an awesome person who doesn’t deserve someone as terrible as Piper). On the other hand, this makes a great way to relive the series besides forcing all of my college friends to watch it with me in a month.

  6. Thumb up 13

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    “Piper takes the broken non-working uncomfortable chair over Alex, which I believe is some kind of metaphor for Larry. You can sit on it all you want, but you and your ass both know it’s not doing the trick.” Amazing. Perfect.

  7. Thumb up 8

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    Is it weird that my favorite part of this episode was Chapman chewing on her peppers and sobbing?? Can that be a thing?

    I also weirdly did not think to name this ship? I just keep telling people that Hot Donna is like, a predator now, and predators don’t have ‘ships, they have quarry

  8. Thumb up 8

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    Okay I can’t be the only one who started shipping Alex and Nicky the moment they first exchanged words, right?

    Also I think I imprinted on Kate Mulgrew like a baby duck when I was a little tiny second generation Trekkie watching Voyager in the mid-90s because now whenever I see her I just want fall asleep in her arms even when she’s punching Russian mob wife mean girls in the tit.

    • Thumb up 11

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      I immediately wanted Alex and Nicky to get together too. Banter always makes for great chemistry.
      But then after seeing Piper and Alex together I thought they also had good chemistry so basically I just ship Alex and everyone.

    • Thumb up 0

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      Yeah I totally ship Vause and Nichols, but the problem is that they’re both in love with a straight/bi engaged girl and that Vause is part of the series’ clear OTP. They have tons of great scenes, and they are totally a backup couple for me if the Vauseman thing does not pan out.

        • Thumb up 2

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          True but actual Piper also didn’t get involved in any… well… if I said, that would be some spoilers. Think episode 9 and the last few minutes of the finale; that kind of shit did not happen IRL. After the first few episodes it went way off from the original story, so I don’t think that would be an issue for the writers. The fact that Piper is probably serving way less time than Alex, however, would be. But then again, Nichols only has a few years left as well.

    • Thumb up 6

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      I adore Alex but can I just say that Nikki is my favorite character. I was not expecting to like her at all because I was never particularly crazy about Natassa Lyonne before but this show made me completely change my opinion of her. Now I want to see everything else she’s ever been in.

      I don’t care who Nikki ends up with, Alex or Morello. I want her to be happy. I suspect Alex is just going to keep running back to Piper and then Nikki will get her heart broken two-fold.

  9. Thumb up 1

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    I decided that I liked Alex despite her sleaze and ratting out Piper the moment she slipped Piper the cornbread. Not that I wasn’t completely smitten already, but I had yet to be won over objectively. Also, about that moment, I’m not sure whether Piper threw the cornbread out moreso because she was mad at Alex or because she had just finished making the jalepeno rub and didn’t want to risk extending her punishment by “cheating” instead of toughing it out.

  10. Thumb up 2

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    Am I the only person that felt really bad for Piper this whole episode? It might just be because I have low blood sugar and am not able to function or be at all rational after a day without food, let alone 2 like she had. But seriously, she was new and she made a mistake, and I think Red was being ridiculously harsh about it. On the other hand, it’s a good way to make Piper dive headfirst into “how to get shit done in prison,” which may have benefitted her in the long run.

    • Thumb up 6

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      No, I felt the same way. I love this recap but I completely disagree with the hating on Piper. I love Piper, I totally relate to her. Yes she’s rich and privileged and a bit naive and so what? Prison is hard. I’d probably do worse than her in prison, hell, I think I’d be killed on my firt day. So I relate.
      I’ve already seen the whole 13 episodes and I still love Piper.

      • Thumb up 9

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        I think it’s less that she’s privileged and naive and more that she just blames everyone else for her problems. Granted, she is SO much worse in the memoir and in real life, but she’s still pretty bad in the show. She doesn’t understand that she willingly got herself into the mess with Alex, willingly cheated with Alex, willingly did a bunch of illegal things, and just cannot seem to own up. It’s really annoying.
        But seriously. Fake Piper is so much better a human being than real life Piper.

        • Thumb up 3

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          Ah yes it’s true she blames Alex for eveything. But only in the beginning, at some point (SPOILER) she actually owns up and acknowledges her responsability (if I rememeber correctly, to her mom). Sure she’s still in denial about a lot of stuff but I cut her some slack because she’s, well, in prison. I don’t know, I don’t find her annoying like everyobdy else seems to.
          Really? Real Piper is awful in real life? Damn, I just ordered the memoir on amazon, I hope that desn’t prevent me from enjoying the book.

        • Thumb up 3

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          This. No one wasis forcing her to be with Alex, no one was forcing her to carry the drugs that got her arrested- no one was coercing her into doing anything. If she disliked it, she could’ve left on her own good judgement. Instead, she blames Alex for doing something illegal and having to serve out the punishment for it. That’s where I dislike Piper. You can’t do things without consequences. You can’t want to do X with Alex on a beach in Cambodia with three strangers dressed in drag without giving something up for it. She wants everything and doesn’t want to pay for any of it and its very selfish of her.

  11. Thumb up 4

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    I feel like the only person who doesn’t hate Piper. I mean, she’s a horrid person sometimes, but I see her as really insecure and imperfect and unsure. I think I’d probably turn into a monster in prison, and at least she’s kind of aware of what she’s been doing wrong. I garnered more goodwill towards her as the series progressed (although I’m about 15 minutes into the last episode and I kind of want to put her in SHU so she can think about what she’s done). She and Larry bring out the worst in one another, is what I think (can Larry please just go away?) but I like her with Alex, and I think that’s even besides the fact that it’s a lady couple. I just don’t know if I like how she treats Alex, even though I think the show intends me to feel the opposite? Not sure. But ultimately I think that Taylor Schilling’s faces and line readings and comedic timing are what keep me liking Piper. It’s an incredibly talented, funny cast, but she still surprises me sometimes with just how funny her performance can be, and how tortured, and that manages to stand out and keep me from being too frustrated with Piper.

    Oh god, this is what fans of Jenny Schecter must feel like.

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      I don’t hate her! She annoys me, because has a lot of the same bad qualities as I do, but I can’t hate her because I understand how she feels. Specifically, she is a) unintentionally manipulative sometimes because she’s so used to having to hide her feelings instead of being straight-forward and b) she is self-involved, which often keeps her from seeing the big picture and that she’s being a jerk. I’m no privileged rich girl, so her entitlement really gets on my nerves. I dunno, I guess she’s a complex character just like anyone, and how she sees herself and relates to others certainly evolves over the 13 episodes… it’s not like she can grow and improve if everyone loves her at the start.

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        Yeah, that’s pretty much hitting the nail on the head.

        I get finding her annoying and privileged – OH I GET IT – I just have seen a lot of criticism (especially over on some more male-centric sites) about how she’s THE WORST PERSON EVER. And, like seven orgasms in a night, that seems a bit excessive.

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          Male-centric sites? Oh right, I don’t think I frequent those. Or do you just mean standard news outlets? I would like to see some of these comments. I was biased towards liking Piper from the beginning because I had read the book, so I never really understood this huge backlash against her.

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