OKCupid: We Read Your Profile

Are you a promiscuous person living in a promiscuous land? According to OKCupid, purveyor of fine quizzes and finer women, if you’re living in Pittsburgh, Seattle or Portland, you’re probably as slutty as the day is long. You know what else? If you use twitter everyday, odds are 2:1 that you’ll masturbate today. Also if you’re on Autostraddle and it’s Sunday. Duh.

These facts (?) are all well and good, but I’d rather talk about us / you. Of the 1,000+ questions currently marinating in my formspring inbox, around 25% are about OKCupid — how to write a good profile, how to initiate conversation, how to reply to messages, when to meet. It seemed like a good idea to poke around OKCupid and check in on you. We searched for use of the word ‘autostraddle’ and um, you guys are CUTE. Some of you even included us in the list of six things you couldn’t live without! (Now we know how pens and coffee feel!) Because you’re more interesting than the correlation between twitter usage and daily masturbation, we read all about you. We were pretty impressed.

there are so many of you

 Autostraddlers on OKCupid Exhibiting Specialness
with cartoons by Intern Hot Laura!

 

Your self-summary:

1. “I’m awesome.”

You’re really good at:

you grew lettuce

1. “Picking breakfast places.”

2. “Doing shots.”

3. “Standing in third position.”

4. “Being the big spoon.”

5. “Growing lettuce.”

6. “Calling you back a day too late.”

7. “Accidentally pooping out of nowhere and startling people. [I meant to write popping out of nowhere, but this typo is so funny I’m leaving it].”

8. “Quoting Margaret Cho.”

The first things people usually notice about you:

1. “Dat azz, man.”

2. “The inability to cover my cleavage.”

3. “My snake bites.”

Your favorite food:

1. “Anything + Everything – Chicken Feet = Food.”

The six things you could never do without:

1. “My fingers.”

2. “Weed.”

you have red boots

3. “At least one enemy- because nothing motivates like opposition.”

4. “Red cowgirl boots.”

5. “Something to write with, a good (light, sharp) chef’s knife, a lip/cheek stain in a nice dark pink, love, GPS. It would be more romantic to say “maps”, but fuck that.”

6. “Cashew nuts.” [Ed. note — hell yes]

7. “You’d be surprised how often clothing is optional.”

You spend a lot of time thinking about:

1. “What I am going to eat next.”

2. “What I can put on this profile to make people like me.”

3. “Re-making Thelma & Louise so that they make out at the end.”

4. “Whether my keys are locked in the car, I left my phone frying in my front seat, or I’ve lost anything yet today.”

On a typical Friday night you are:

1. “Finding a place to put all these dead bodies.”

2. “If you present remotely masculine of center I’m spending Friday night looking at your butt.”

The most private thing you’re willing to admit:

your leg was broken

1. “I hate Bette.”

2. “For the first 7 or so years of my life, I would have preferred being a dog to being a human. Like I would drink water from a bowl on the floor and bark at people.”

3. “The red hair is fake.”

4. “Sometimes when I kiss my dog he licks me on the mouth and I don’t even mind.”

5. “I broke my leg while streaking. No, I didn’t get to ride in an ambulance naked.”

6. “I only run with things figuratively; you can make me laugh but I will probably still not jog with you.”

We should message you if:

1. “You are interested in glow in the dark mini golf.”

2. “You don’t have unresolved mental illness.”

3. “You are left handed.”

4. “You want someone to dance poorly next to you somewhere in the Castro.”

5. “You are illiterate, but were able to find the ‘Wild Party’ reference in my ‘about me’ section.”

6. “Will marry you if you get it when I use the pickup line “Hello Sue, I’ve got legs! Do you like bread?”

7. “You make a good grilled cheese.”

You all sound very weird and datable! Hey, do any of the rest of you use OKCupid? How’s that worked out for you? I would like to hear your stories.


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Profile photo of Laneia Nicole

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and she thinks you're fucking rad. She's 33, has two kids, two dogs, one Megan, some personal essays and a lot of emails in her inbox.

Laneia Nicole has written 358 articles for us.

121 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

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    Ha! I have fingers, and autostraddle in my 6 things, and grilled cheese in my contact me if. (I’ve seen grilled cheese refs a LOT in lesbian profiles, I had no idea my favorite sandwich was a thing until okc.)

    Also i have made a lot of good friends on okc. I count 5 actually, within the past 5 months, 4 local, 1 overseas and I’ll add one on/off pen pal-y one in another country. Good ratio I think.

  2. Thumb up 0

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    LOL. I just joined OkC not too long ago and thanks to this article, I now have a bunch of ideas for how to spice up my profile!

    Also, 7. “Accidentally pooping out of nowhere and startling people. [I meant to write popping out of nowhere, but this typo is so funny I’m leaving it].”

    … frickin’ hilarious!

  3. Thumb up 4

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    OK Cupid is actually pretty swell.

    That is, when people don’t message back and forth with you for a couple of weeks, develop a timid friendship with you, finally ask you for your number so you can make arrangements to meet, and then never contact you again after you give it to them.

    The amount of times this has happened, I’m starting to feel like I am continuously playing victim to some highly organized telemarketing scam.
    Either that, or my cell number translates to “Fuck off” in binary and I am just unaware.

  4. Thumb up 1

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    I’d assumed OK Cupid was only in the US until I read this. Now I’m obsessed with answering the match questions – crap, I’m hardly ever productive as it is.

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      This made me pause Like really seriously crazy? Complete with crazy friends? Ugh. I am finding myself sitting here thinking of how to help. I can remember conversations that included ‘but she has this crazy friend too that I don’t know how do I know if she is sending her friend undercover?’ We never had to find a solution cause said person ended up moving.

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        found-out-what-my-new-major-was-and-then-looked-up-every-introductory-class-that -my-school-offered-and-then-sat-outside-each-one-until-i-walked-out-so-she-could-corner-me-to-convince-me-to-take-her-back-crazy.

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          oh boy. Not to bum you out further but:

          does she belong in that subgroup of crazy ex’s that have crazy friends?

          is she boiling bunnies/dangerous crazy?

          I am not being nosy this is like everyone’s worst nightmare and data gathering is necessary. But I will stop asking if you wish.

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            mkr: i’m not sure if she’d boil a bunny but she does have crazy (or compliant) friends.

            D.F: thats just the tip of the crazy.

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            e, wish I had better solution but I guess it is up to you, I would probably stay off the site but if you are tired of her still affecting your life and have the strength to deal with whatever happens, go for it. Sorry I don’t have anything more helpful.

            remember your safety comes first. :)

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            you know, i’m sure there are some nifty privacy/security options you can take advantage of on okc. after all, it is a good site if you use it wisely and like mkr says, you should just go for it if you don’t want your crazy ex still having such an influence on your life.

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            actually, i just checked out the security settings. there is a blacklist option, and what you can do is to list your ex’s username there so that she can’t contact you. be warned that there is a trackback function though (that is, she will know that you have been looking at her profile), so if you don’t want that, you can get someone else who is on okc to find her and note down her username so that you can blacklist it.

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            I’m pretty sure you can disable the trackback function. You can’t see who’s been looking at your profile either though, if you have it off.

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            i am wondering if another option for e is to hide her location in her profile and then search for others in her area and contact them? maybe with a very brief but not here-is-my-relationship-drama-y explanation.

            it’s definitely not perfect since you can’t be approached, but surely there would be no way for her to find you if you made a new profile and didn’t mention where you were.

  5. Thumb up 0

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    I was on it basically all day, every day and met a ton of super cute, super great girls. It also told me that one of my friends IRL would be a really good match for me. We never discussed that, even though we both probably saw it.

    Then I met the love of my life, so I dropped it.

  6. Thumb up 0

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    I’ve had a profile on OKC for ages. I get a decent # of visitors, but it is rare that anyone messages me. I would say I probably get replies to a third or so of messages I send. This hasn’t been very encouraging. I sometimes wonder if it is my username, but that seems silly. I’ve been wondering if I’m just not meant for online dating.

  7. Thumb up 2

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    Who is this person?
    “For the first 7 or so years of my life, I would have preferred being a dog to being a human. Like I would drink water from a bowl on the floor and bark at people.”

    Because I think we are long lost soul mates. I did the same thing!!!

  8. Thumb up 0

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    I think I have an OK Cupid account but I never actually used it. I think you need to go all in and post pics of yourself and stuff, or not bother. I have this weird phobia of putting personal information about myself on the internet that is tied to: pictures of me or my real name. I just worry that it will come back to haunt, or at a minimum people will laugh at me and judge me the way I do other people on the internet.

    Does OK Cupid work? I think I signed up in Washington D.C. — very large city — and it had barely any lesbians. But that was like two years ago. I checked it for my current city and there’s way more lesbians, even though this city is smaller and more conservative. Maybe I’ll try it again. I’ve been super horny lately. (This is the sort of thing I do not want tied to my image or real name. See?)

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      I wonder if that’s because in D.C. it’s easier to meet other fun, attractive lesbians IRL because it’s easier to be out? Whereas in the smaller and more conservative town it is maybe harder to be out so online dating is an easier way to meet ladies?

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        That was a thought I had. But I am still in a pretty decent sized city. I mean, there are at least a few gay bars. But yeah, in D.C. I walked past more gay bars on my way to Safeway than there are in this city, so people might go online to meet fellow homos here. I never went to gay bars in D.C. and wasn’t quite sure the best way to meet lesbians otherwise. I think the online thing seems worth a shot!

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    One date ended in someone full-on licking my face, but hey, my profile’s the one with the jar of human teeth and the success-story vegan girlfriend, so it really goes either way.

    And by either way, I mean weird. It goes weird.

  10. Thumb up 0

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    TWO QUICK STORIES

    1) I met a girl who was basically perfect for me and we almost dated twice but things were all complicated with my ex-boyfriend so we never did. So that’s like a would-be success story if only feelings weren’t so hard. Also, my friend met her husband on there! So that’s an actual success story, hurray!

    2) Complicated ex’s (now ex-)girlfriend is one of those girls who doesn’t get along well with other girls? And she also had lots of jealousy and shit-talking issues about me in particular. Then one day she and some of her friends made gay profiles for fun and her top match was me.

    …then I found $20. Cool stories, right?

  11. Thumb up 0

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    I was sooooooo excited to go on OK Cupid and see all of these lovely and hilarious profiles but, alas, there is no way for a trans guy to use this website effectively. :( Since I can’t see them without signing up I have to be a woman (ahhhh), a gay man (not really what I’m into) or a straight man (double ahhhhhhh).

    *sigh*

    Thank you so much for this post as it was hilarious and definitely made my day! :) So much so I had to comment on this website (or the web in general) for the first time ever!

  12. Thumb up 1

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    Success story, right here. Coming up on a year with my amazing sweetie who I met on OKC. Even though I thought she wasn’t my type after our first date. Sometimes you actually shouldn’t make snap judgments about people’s date-ability…

  13. Thumb up 0

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    I see “I broke my leg while streaking” and think reflexively “I wonder if this was at Wellesley…”

    Because I imagine that happens more frequently than campus police lets on.

  14. Thumb up 0

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    you all sound so cute and funny!!!
    as a babyqueer (who just moved to a new country, no less) i feel like an OKC would be a really good idea. but i have these silly things called privacy barriers and i don’t like putting everything about me on the internet…especially cause i’m not exactly out.
    suggestions, anyone? :P

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        i live in switzerland, which as far as i can tell is a pretty open country, at least regarding making out with whosoever’s face you want. however my new high school does not have a GSA, and as it’s an international school, students will be from everywhere and probably will all have different opinions/ways to judge me.
        by the way. your eyes are the most gorgeous color! if i had to put a label on it, i’d have to say…. kiwi green. heehee.

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        yeah, that makes sense. i live in switzerland, which as far as i can tell is open in regards to letting you make out with whosoever’s face you want. however, i will be going to an international high school (i’m 17), and the students will be from many different places and so will have varied opinions/ways to judge me.

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            ah. i actually went to international schools for most of my life (and graduated from one) so i get what you mean.

            to be honest, i don’t think there would be much of a problem, especially in switzerland… it’s just about as liberal as it gets over there. i just came back from a year in germany and nobody could care less about who you’re with either.

            however i do recognize that there are some differences when it comes to international schools. e.g. i went to one in shanghai for two years that was actually not very gay-friendly, now that i think about it. i didn’t know anybody who was out and the students – guys especially – often made homophobic remarks (not towards anyone in particular–well they couldn’t have anyway since nobody was out–but would say things like “oh that’s so gay” and accuse some straight but more effeminate-looking guys of being gay, etc.)

            on the other hand, one of my best friends went to an international school in hong kong and said that it was super chill and that there were a bunch of out students. so maybe you want to test the waters for the first couple weeks of the new school year before deciding what your next move will be.
            if it’s more like the latter situation, then great! but if it’s more like the former, just try to steer clear of the homophobic crowd and make some friends you think will be cool with it. there are cool people and homophobic people everywhere so don’t worry too much about that. i highly doubt that the situation will become unmanageable and even if some students are a bit squicked by it, hey, at least you know which douchebags to avoid, right?

            that being said, feel free to pm me if you have any more questions/concerns.

            p.s. yeah, i enjoy taking amusing food-related photos… i think i have one somewhere with three-prong plugs for eyes. :-P

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          I just recently moved to Geneva and I am so not hip to the gay culture here, not to mention I’m like a negative magnet to the french language. Every time I try to remember any of it, it just bounces off and I’m stuck with even bigger hand gestures and louder yelling.

          I’m on okcupid from when I was in San Fran and there’s almost no one in Switzerland. Although there’s a few chicks in Germany/France, its a definite trek for the gal so unless you’re willing to travel or find penpals I’d wait it out until the site becomes more popular as might not be worth looking into for a couple more years. I’m not sure they allow members under the age of 18 on OKC anyways though, so it might not even be an issue.

          If you’re close to Geneva we could try to find other Swissy Straddlers and have a meet up?

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            it’s a bit of a drive from geneva to lausanne, but if you don’t mind, i’ve heard le flon is the best place to hang out for a gay evening. also, rosetta stone really can be helpful! i’m pathetic at french too and only slowly figuring it out.
            i love your idea! i’m an hour further east along the lake but we could meet in the middle? we should definitely find other “swissy straddlers” here :D how does one make a group on a/s?

  15. Thumb up 0

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    to add my own personal anecdotes… I have had a bunch of mediocre first dates, some casual-ish dating situations/hookups, and a one-year relationship stemming out of okc.

    as well as a first date in which a girl took me to her parents’ house and played the accordion for me. /winner.

  16. Thumb up 0

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    OKcupid is TERRIBLE for bi girls.

    Dating women in general is terrible for bi girls. damn it! I understand that people could be less trusting of women who are interested in both sexes, however, I am often more interested in women…and have never been contacted back by any of the lesbians I contacted. All I ever got from OK cupid was a bunch of slutty men writing generic messages that I easily deleted with a click.

    I’ve considered writing “lesbian” on my profile, but that would be dishonest..I think I’ll just stick to the bar scene.

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      really? because i’d say i get “recommended” bi girls much more often than gay girls (on that column to the left), to the point where i don’t even notice anymore whether the girl is bi or gay when i do decide to take the first move and message her. i honestly couldn’t care less.

      and on that note, if all these people are supposedly staying away from you because you are bi, isn’t that a really good way of weeding out the biphobics? ;-)

      anyway, maybe you could try taking the lead and messaging others more, as opposed to waiting for others to message you? (or maybe you already do, i just couldn’t really tell in your comment what your okc messaging tendencies are…)

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      I agree with the writing lesbian would be dishonest move. That’s what I thought too, but instead of selecting “Interested in Men and Women” I just chose girls who like girls, and a fair amount of people messaged back.

      As far as how well OKCupid works, I’ve been on a million dates with men (over the last two years), and got a long term boyfriend out of the deal. We’ve since broken up (for obvious reasons…), but remain in great friends. Thumbs up OKCupid.

  17. Thumb up 0

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    I made the mistake of giving a girl from OkC my cell phone number despite having never met her. Things went downhill immediately. She started texting me constantly and making over-the-top declarations of commitment and affection. I jumped ship when she woke me up at 7:00am with love poetry in Spanish.

    When I stopped responding as frequently, she got mad and sent me angry messages in which she questioned my sexuality because ‘a real lesbian would have responded.’ Direct quote: “I don’t need more toaster ovens.”

    A week later, she sent me an email and asked why she hadn’t heard from me yet.

    The best part? Her profile specifically said ‘Do NOT message me if you’re looking to U-Haul.’

  18. Thumb up 1

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    My favorite realization in Gay OKC world: it’s too fucking small on lesbian night in the only gay bar (kinda) in your area.

    I went to Cobalt ladies night (once a FUCKING month, boo) in D.C. and saw everyone I casually checked out on OKC…that’s like 20 people I could have a poppin’ party with that many bi/lesbian ladies. It was too much until I made out with one of the women who I remember looking at their profile 2 weeks before and she remembered my profile and we laughed/made out some more.

    Never saw again her since then.

    Yeah.

  19. Thumb up 0

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    this kind of makes me want an OKC profile again, but then again maybe not. haha I can be super awkward on the internet. I never really understood what people wanted when they winked, i even asked.
    Or that whole rating thing, where it tells you if you both rated each other highly, but neither of us would contact each other…
    I’m just better at conversation in person.

  20. Thumb up 1

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    Lololololol. Where are all these adorable people when I’m surfing through this site? My experience thus far has been that I’ve met up with a few people with only friend potential and not seen much of them since. I’ve talked to a lot of people who seemed cool, but conversation petered out. This needs to get more interesting.

    P.S. “Susan, I saw you in class today, as the sun shone with a brilliant light that caught your hair. It was haloed. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you!”

  21. Thumb up 3

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    I too met my lovely ladyfriend on OKC. She’s one of those really pretty femmes who you never really believe will ever message you (or message you back), and she sent the first message to me. A month later, we met in person, first thing she said to me was, “Wow. You look even better than your photo and your photo was good.”

    Yeah, needless to say, she won me over. And now we have each others hearts. Awwwww. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

  22. Thumb up 0

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    The Eddie Izzard joke is from my profile! I feel so internet famous!

    In other news, whatup Seattle dykes? GayGreekGirl. Look me up. I need friends and shit.

  23. Thumb up 1

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    I met my new lady on OKC. So far so good! We had met previously at a bar in Atlanta about a year ago. She had a gf at the time. We had a brief social encounter and I thought about her ever since. I saw her on OKC and POUNCED. Shes my girl.

  24. Thumb up 0

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    So….I actually heard about this website from a girl I met on OKC. Which I find funny. I thought it was a good way to make friends, and it has been so far…especially being from Iowa, it’s a little harder!

  25. Thumb up 5

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    “We should message you if:

    2. “You don’t have unresolved mental illness.”

    really, autostraddle, this is funny? mental illness is not a joke; it’s a terrible burden and, as the name implies, an *illness*. i know sometimes humor can help, but imagine saying this about cancer. also a hard thing for partners to deal with. look, i have family members who have come within a hairsbreadth of death because of mental illness.

    please think about that next time you’re joking at the expense of people with schizophrenia/bipolar/depression/etc…

    thanks,

    j

    p.s. mental illness in the queer/lgbt community would be a cool topic for autostraddle to write about, btw.

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