Oh Gay Cupid! 21 Signs Your OkCupid Date Isn’t Going Well

Welcome to Oh Gay Cupid! Autostraddle’s OkCupid series. We get lots of questions on Formspring regarding online dating, so we finally got a bunch of people together to talk about it. While OkCupid isn’t the only online dating site for queers, and maybe isn’t even the best, it does seem to be the one we use most often. We’ll be discussing all things OkC, including meeting friends, first dates, profiles, fuck-ups, letdowns and more. Even though it’s the ‘OkCupid Series,’ the advice given in this series could easily be applied to any online dating site.

 Oh Gay Cupid! illustrations by Rory Midhani

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Twenty-One Signs Your OK Cupid Date Isn’t Going Well
(As Taken From My Life)

 

Why does this shit always happen to me?

1. “Oh my God, do you want to see the staph infection on my crotch?”
2. She isn’t upset that the American Girl Doll Samantha is being retired.
3. You meet her mom and sister in the first two hours.
4. [In bed] “Wow… two girls in bed… it’s just so many men’s fantasies.”
5. A bird poops on your head.
6. “I prefer AfterEllen.”
7. “So… are you paying for this or what?”
8. You have to call Rachel to pick you up because your date won’t let you leave.
9. “Oh god I hope you’re not a theater person.”
10. “My date earlier today said…”
11. She’s just returned from a month-long european vacation that she went on with one ex and stayed with another ex.
12. “Aren’t we a little old for Harry Potter?”
13. “I think our relationship doesn’t necessarily need to be super sexual. It can be a deeply passionate relationship of the mind.”
14. You both stare in silence at the menu for over 20 minutes.
15. “It’s not that I like her better than you…”
16. “I don’t usually tell people I’m gay because I don’t want them to think I’m a feminist” [eye roll].
17. She open’s her wallet to pay the bill and there is still a picture of her and her ex together in it.
18. They decline a ride home during a snowstorm.
19. “I don’t really read, you know?”
20. [Post-kiss] “Sorry I just don’t feel anything.”
21. “Don’t worry, if your anus ever prolapses I’ll pop it back in for you.”

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Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 273 articles for us.

104 Comments

  1. Thumb up 22

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    I went out with a girl who invited both her existing girlfriends along to our first date. I knew she was Poly, and I’d had Poly experience before but it was a bit much on date number one!

    …especially as I fancied one of her girlfriends more than I fancied her

  2. Thumb up 5

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    Hilarious and sad, I’m sorry you’ve had so many weird and awful dates. Just to hand out a spark of hope for anyone who’s just been on a horrendous OKCupid date. I just went on a really great date with someone I met on OKCupid.

  3. Thumb up 10

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    Currently in my social psych class…

    This is highly relevant.

    Also, if one my dates said “arent we a little bit old for harry potter?” I’d happily walk outta there before she could say quidditch.

  4. Thumb up 16

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    I was on a date with a girl. She was telling a long anecdote…a very, very, very long anecdote. And at one point she said “Now, here is something you don’t understand” and before I could stop myself, I said “How you could just kill a man?”

  5. Thumb up 2

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    oh wow. 21. seriously? was this really said? really?

    :( :( :(

    (the world is gross, and I can’t even look at pictures of cute animals to get rid of the grossness, because upon reading that sentence I had to go immediately to wikipedia, which is full of pictures of animals with various kinds of prolapsing happening and it’s not ok)

  6. Thumb up 6

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    #12 and #19 go hand-in-hand for me. Haven’t read Harry Potter? You may as well have not read much else. You won’t get a fair share of my random awkward references anyway.

    And Lizz, if you survived these….you’re a trooper. Give the girl a badge.

  7. Thumb up 12

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    I will never understand the concept of dating or how people could put themselves through that. To me it’s akin to jumping through hoops with fire, while you have a piece of raw meat tied to your leg and some pitbull chasing after you while you have one shoe on (and that shoe is a high heel!)… um yeah, no thanks! #channelingmyinnerDaria

    • Thumb up 12

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      Agreed… best to get drunk and make out with the friend/cute girl you’ve had sexual tension with for a year. Then keep making out with her till you break up… and repeat.

      • Thumb up 20

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        Haha… that’s even worse. The capacity for potential drama exceeds the capacity for sanity, therefore multiplying the cycle of bullshit to the nth power. If you divide that by the common denominator aka alcohol + sexual tension, you get x, where by x is an unknown variable. This “unknown variable” or “x” or even “ex” will constantly throw multiple curve balls at you. In the mean time, you’re still tipsy or drunk, trying to solve “y” or “why” these “word problems” or “x” or “ex” in your life keep popping up and repeating the same old predictable patterns that you can’t seem to get out of. Then you realize that you are, FOREVER ALONE with your bottle of liquor as you lay spread eagle on your bed with no more fucks to give, but still have enough liquor to “lick her!” *wink wink nudge nudge* #Datingandhookupwordproblemsandsoulutionsforsimpletons101.

  8. Thumb up 14

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    These all are horrible.
    My worst OKcupid date: It involved a girl with the same name as me. We met at a wine bar and she kept saying my name/her name and laughing. Always followed by awkward silence. She proceeded to then me she was on anti-depressants to explain the reason she got drunk off one glass of wine. But continued to drink throughout the night. At a club she quickly lossed her balance, pushed over a table breaking glasses and trying to make out with me drunk, as, shit. Soon after she began crying on my should and breaking down about a recent ex-gf that she’s still in love with. I’ve never been on a gayer or more awkward date. Thank you Okcupid?

  9. Thumb up 5

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    Some experiences with OkCupid when I could tell weren’t going well at the time:
    I was on a date with a guy one time and he said he just found out his friend was in jail and he needed to go feed his friends dog. Thinking back I probably was a really weird date. It was my very first online dating experience and he asked me if I liked bands with horns after talking about ska music for a while but I thought he meant demons. Another time I went on a date with this girl and she ordered a whole beer, went outside of a cigarette and when she came back was like “I’m soooo fulll…. I should go” – I mean we did eat a lot but then never spoke again.

    Sort of unrelated but also related – I love when you are on OkCupid and find out people message you and your friends the same thing!! Or one time I deactivated my account and then a few months later made a brand new one and would still get repeat copy & paste messages from the same people.

  10. Thumb up 10

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    I would add “finding a notebook in her house that includes a list of every girl she’s ever slept with – and you are are number 28 of 32″. This actually happened, and no I don’t feel bad about reading her notebook. Wah!

  11. Thumb up 9

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    Okay, my worst OkCupid date here we go: Girl and I have been messaging back & forth and one evening she texts me to ask if I would like to go to the girl bar with her and her friends for some dancing and you know, finally meet and everything. Having nothing to do, I agree to go, and being unable to scrounge any friends up to go, I go it alone. I walk into the bar, and I could tell she immediately knew I was not cis-gendered. Most of the date consisted of her being unable/unwilling to carry a conversation (it was just me asking question after question and getting one-word short answers), or her going to say ‘hi’to a friend and ignoring me all night.

    I peace out and call a friend to give her the date deets outside the bar, and she pops out a second later and says “was that weird? im sorry I wasn’t expecting you to be trans and I’ve never dated a trans person and didn’t know how to act”. She wanted to start it all over as friends and said she would call again, but I never answered.

    That was the one and only time I didn’t disclose my trans status in my profile.

    A date later, I met my current gf. 98% match yeeeeah.

  12. Thumb up 3

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    With number 14, although I don’t do it for over 20 minutes, I do stare at the menu in silence for a long time. In my defence, I’m weighing up how hungry I am in my head, coupled with what I’m in the mood for along with what goes best with it, thinking if I want desert later…and half the time my mind tends to go for a little wander as well…it’s doesn’t always necessarily mean I’m not that into her…or maybe it does… *shrugs shoulders*

  13. Thumb up 4

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    I started a profile a few days ago and, after much internal struggle, decided to disclose the scarlet “T” on it, even though I really don’t want to be looked on as something “other” than cisgender.

    We’ll see how it goes (if it goes). Sigh.

  14. Thumb up 1

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    number 11… Ok she actually never did it, but she was planning to! And yes I might be slighlty more jealous than I’d like but please, I don’t mind you’re friends with your exes but don’t go on vacation with them… Specially when you’re not going with me.
    (and no, it wasnt a first date when the subject came up)

    • Thumb up 1

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      To add to my comment: after reading this, I’d be wary of going on a date. I’d probably say a “wrong” thing, and it would end up posted online where everyone can laugh at me.

        • Thumb up 2

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          Thank you, but as I said, it just makes me wary, because many people seem to be very judgmental. I am similar to one of the examples below: I don’t really care about art, and there’s nothing on my apartment walls, and that makes me a bad person to date, someone whose words can be posted publicly so others can laugh at her and tand cluck their tongues in disbelief and so on. I already have zillions of flaws, and reading the stuff here just reinforces to me the notion that I’m not someone anyone would want to date at all.

        • Thumb up 1

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          I think in the end, the people who don’t care about our flaws are the ones that matter. There’s totally a quote for that. These people are just hard to find.
          But I totally get what you mean. When I go on a date I over analyze until the point that everything I did on the date was wrong.
          Oh Hi everyone, this is my first comment!

  15. Thumb up 15

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    “what kind of car do you drive? my ex drives a pinto. she stalked me. i’m sorry if you have that car. we probably shouldn’t see each other in that case.”

    “i don’t know about you but i’m objectifying the fuck out of our bartender.”

    (on a first date) “so what are we doing exactly? i mean, is this going to be serious or what?”

    “are you single by choice or circumstance?”

    but the worst excuse ever a girl has used to end an okc date…
    “i’m sorry, i should go home. i don’t sleep well in other people’s beds.”

    GURL I DIDN’T BRING YOU HERE TO SLEEP

    • Thumb up 4

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      Hahaha, ok, I really like the bartender one, and the pinto one. I probably would not disqualify you based on these statements. Single by choice or circumstance is kinda funny, I mean, couldn’t either be appropriate no matter why you’re single?

      • Thumb up 6

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        the pinto one kind of weirded me out. my date actually wanted to physically see my car before they believed that i didn’t have a pinto….why would i lie??

        the bartender one was funny, but kind of awkward. there was no segue, just “OUR BARTENDER HAS A GREAT ASS.” i made out with my date anyway though. she was pretty cool.

  16. Thumb up 9

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    I’m afraid I’m probably the disaster date people tell stories about. When I’m feeling awkward or anxious, I turn into fact-reciting robot.

    “Clocks in advertisements are always set to 10:10.”

    “Did you know humans can remain conscious for 2-10 seconds after decapitation? Studies involving other small mammals have shown consciousness for as many 27 seconds.”

    “The French name for Passover, Paques Juives, basically means ‘Jew Easter.’”

    :S

  17. Thumb up 3

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    At the end of a date with a girl, she asked me to go out again. I suggested the new exhibit at the local art museum that I really wanted to see, and she said, “oh, I don’t like art.”

    ?

    But, what do you put on your walls? I went on the second date, where we stopped by her apartment briefly to pick something up, and it turned out – nothing. She put nothing on her walls. She really didn’t like art. I’m a designer… That just didn’t really work for me. We were friends for a while after that, and then I lost track of her.

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