Tonight the President told us all to be nice to each other, to stop being cynical assholes, and to create more jobs and love gay people! This message is very similar to what Conan O’Brien said last week. Also similar to Conan? All the jokes!
i. in the beginning.
Sarah: DO WE HAVE A GAME PLAN? I’m very hyper!
Laneia: We are watching.
Sarah: Ok! Mostly my thoughts will be like “OMG STOP CLAPPING!”
Laneia: IT NEEDS TO BE FUNNY SARAH
Sarah: Ugh I hate the State of The Union. It’s so masturbatory.
Laneia: YES. I AM COVERED IN SELF-IMPORTANT JIZZ
Obama: “Talk to the small business in Phoenix that will triple its workforce because of the Recovery Act…”
HE SAID PHOENIX YOU LIVE IN PHOENIX
doesn’t that make you feel like he knows you?
Laneia: mhm def
Sarah: like he understands your plight as a person?
Laneia: he’s like, in mah backyard
i’m sure that makes up for everything
for all that
because he knows that your hometown exists
i feel much better now
also ? when biden nods?
i feel greatly at ease when biden nods
Sarah: oh mmhmm
and how there’s a woman up there
totes makes it up to me
is it too catty if i point out that she looks like skeletor?
i probs shouldn’t criticize her appearance
Laneia: yeah don’t do that
Sarah: she does though
not a bad thing, she’s great!
Sarah: i am so cynical tonight
i need to be more hopeful
iii. how long should we wait = not rhetorical
Obama: “From the day I took office, I’ve been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious, such effort would be too contentious. I’ve been told that our political system is too gridlocked and that we should just put things on hold for a while. For those who make these claims, I have one simple question: How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold?
Laneia: “how long should we wait” for equal rights for all people. “washington has been telling us to wait for decades”
Sarah: I AM WAITING
Obama: … Meanwhile, China’s not waiting to revamp its economy; Germany’s not waiting; India’s not waiting.
Laneia: Canada’s not waiting
Sarah: good point
Obama: “Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America.”
Laneia: OHHH GOD I HATE THAT SHIT
i mean yeah, good point about how they’re not waiting but GOD it’s not a competition.
Sarah: it’s like high school football or somethin’
Sarah: he’s subliminally trying to appeal to Texas
Laneia: mm mhm
iv. what does a state of the union address attendee look like?
Sarah: that republican looks P.I.S.T.
Laneia: PIST, lolz
Sarah: i think joe biden is wearing a purple tie
Laneia: everyone is!
either purple or red
i am v. interested in who he’s got in the audience for his DADT point
will they be super dykey?
Sarah: oh hmmmmmm
i am so intrigued
by how this will go
and also, wtf, he can just sign an executive order
i am so not funny tonight
Laneia: i know
v. brilliant idea
Sarah: i think that a constant feature of this broadcast should be a republicam
so i can judge the right’s level of agreement, asshattery, etc.
vi. a cake made of unicorns
Obama: We need to make sure consumers and middle-class families have the information they need to make financial decisions. Next, we need to encourage American innovation.
Laneia: he’s basically just like : “in a perf world, we are awesome. here’s how we could be awesome, if we didn’t suck.”
and it’s like, “lesbians living in treehouses”
AND OTHER DREAMS
omg i wanna live in a treehouse!
Sarah: but i think that’s the point of the state of the union, right?
Laneia: is it?
Sarah: create an inspiring agenda
Laneia: i was hoping he’d be more fucking REALISTIC
Obama: But to create more of these clean-energy jobs, we need more production, more efficiency, more incentives, and that means building a new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants in this country.
Sarah: i wish lesbian treehouses was on the agenda but
but if this is so unrealistic, that doesn’t give me hope for DADT
like it’s a pipe dream or something?
i mean CLEARLY THAT’S WHAT IT HAS BEEN
Laneia: yes this feels like State Of My Pipe Dream
Sarah: you’re right about the campaignyness
i think that should be the post title, fyi
vii. getting schooled
Obama: And the idea here is simple: Instead of rewarding failure, we only reward success. Instead of funding the status quo, we only invest in reform, reform that raises student achievement, inspires students to excel in math and science, and turns around failing schools that steal the future of too many young Americans, from rural communities to the inner city.
Laneia: oh hm, the idea that schools are stealing futures
that’s an interesting way to put that
Sarah: it is in fact
Laneia: kind of impressive
Sarah: i like that turn of phrase!
Obama: Still, in this economy, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a good job. That’s why I urge the Senate to follow the House and pass a bill that will revitalize our community colleges, which are a career pathway to the children of so many working families.
Sarah: he’s right, the undergrad degree is the new HS diploma
also hard to get a job with
Laneia: um did a h.s. diploma EVER guarantee a good job???
Sarah: no, it guaranteed a job if you were willing to join the military
Sarah: i think the high school diploma lost it’s appeal in the ’40s
Obama: To make college more affordable, this bill will finally end the unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that go to banks for student loans. Instead, let’s take that money and give families a $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell Grants. And let’s tell another 1 million students that, when they graduate, they will be required to pay only 10 percent of their income on student loans, and all of their debt will be forgiven after 20 years, and forgiven after 10 years if they choose a career in public service, because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college.
Laneia: he said he wanted to change the college loan payback to 10% of a grad’s income. and that loans should be forgiven after 20 yrs. i just condensed that for you.
Obama: I didn’t choose to tackle this issue to get some legislative victory under my belt. And by now, it should be fairly obvious that I didn’t take on health care because it was good politics.
Laneia: he is SO FUCKING JOKEY
this will not look good to the repubs
Laneia: they will rip him a new one over this tone
Next: If Obama says our country is going to turn around, will we also turn around? And news on DADT!