NSFW Sunday Needs Sex Advice, Will Ask and Tell Everything

As you may or may not know, most of us here at Autostraddle are virgins. So when you ask us questions on formspring about sex we don’t know how to answer them. Luckily most Autostraddle readers are total trashwhores and slutbags who will blow any ol’ Jo on the street corner any day of the week. So, in the spirit of formspring friday, we would like for all of you to please handle these requests for us.

sapphic erotica

1. Riese. I’m really confused. I’ve never had lesbian sex before. How does the “bottom” get any physical pleasure at all? How does she orgasm if she’s not like… you know. Having stuff done to her. Please tell me!!

2. I don’t have much experience kissing, and I’ve never gone down on a girl. What can I do so that when these things do happen, I don’t suck?

girls out west

3. A girl that I like and went on a date two months ago wanted to keep things platonic because I’m ‘young’ (i’m 19, she’s 20) and a ‘virgin.’ She doesn’t mess with virgins… she came onto me two nights ago. Super strong like wanting to make out. What does this mean?

4. I just started having sex with a girl a couple weeks ago and I’m having a really hard time getting off for some reason (nervous, new to it, just weird like that?). The girl is taking it kinda personally and I dunno what to say anymore. is this bad?

5. Lesbian sex is SO FUCKING HARD. Girl just left my room. No orgasm for either. Boys are easy. I feel shit that I didn’t make her come :(

this collage is celebrating Don't Ask Don't Tell getting repealed

6. My girlfriend of two years and I have stopped having sex regularly, and I am really sad about it all the time. I’ve mentioned it and she just says she’s always tired, and since we don’t own each others bodies I won’t push her. I’m so sad. I like monogamy.

7. Is kissing supposed to be erotic? I only dig it when I’m drunk. sincerely, sexually inexperienced teen.

8. 2+yrs – In the beginning of our relationship, the sex was mind blowing. she’s currently dealing w/ issues of childhood sexual abuse and I’m REALLY trying to be as supportive as i can, but we never have sex anymore. I miss her & connecting w/ her. Help??

9. I can never get myself off, but when I’m just making out with a girl I get SO close in like 30 seconds. Is this normal/fixable?

10. I often daydream about being with/dating a girl (mostly people i see on teevee, not necessarily people i know in real life). I’m a girl. but in the daydream, I am a guy. whattt? I’ve never had any sexual experiences and this just makes me damn confused.

11. I want to sleep with a girl. People say it’s better to wait until you truly like someone. Thoughts?

12. I can only orgasm by myself with a vibrator. I’m 21 and gay, wouldn’t some girl have figured me out by now?/Wouldn’t I have figured myself out by now? What’s wrong with me?
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Additional Sexual Links:

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Position of the week: Worshipping at the Altar. We just appreciate that fleshbot uses female models to demonstrate these thangs.

Who hasn’t always wanted to see like 60 girls in gift wrap?

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Sexy Tumblr Alert: Over at Muffy’s Insatiable Bordello of Sexual Glitter in the “girl-girl” tagged section, you can see — SURPRISE! — girl-on-girl action! But the best part is the little stories Muffy writes for each photo.

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Party in my Pants is a username employed by various Autostraddle team members at various times for various reasons.

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82 Comments

  1. Thumb up 1

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    2. I don’t have much experience kissing, and I’ve never gone down on a girl. What can I do so that when these things do happen, I don’t suck?

    Do it first with someone you like, who you trust, who you can talk to. With kissing, you can probably ask your friends how they like to be kissed (had I followed my own advice, my first kissing experience might not have led me to believe that everyone else spits in the other person’s mouth…)

    With going down on a girl? Talk to the girl. Each girl, in my experience, is totally, totally different in what they like/how hard/where/for how long. And be enthusiastic, not nervous. View it as a delicious, delightful learning experience. And also, don’t be afraid if your jaw starts to ache – those muscles take work to develop…..

    Hope that helps.
    xxxx

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    1. i like to tease girls and make them beg for it. thats part of how i get off. don’t worry, its not as mean as it sounds.

    2. have so much sex with someone you trust you become an expert.

    3. it sounds to me like she wants to fuck a virgin, but doesn’t want this virgin to get attached. decide what you want and tell her to get with it or step off.

    4. one time my ex bit me and it really fucking hurt, and when i tried to tell her she started crying. some girls are just like this, but talking it out really helps. as long as you listen to each other.

    5. a. building up endurance is always helpful. b. patience, grasshopper. c. getting off is not the only thing in sex sometimes.

    answer moar after christmas shopping…

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      10. The first time I ever had a sex dream I was a guy in it and it freaked me out, and then not terribly long after that I learned what a lesbian was and that I was…you know…a lesbian, and I had some ‘experiences’, and then I started being able to picture myself doing stuff with girls as a girl. Sooo…I think it’s maybe just a ‘not having a solid frame of reference for girl-on-girl’ thing? Like, society has drilled this male/female paradigm into our heads and you have to kind of write over it with your own experiences. That’s what it was for me, anyway.

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        Tangentally related story: met my girl online, first picture I saw of her a Facebook picture of her dressed as a guy, goatee drawn on and everything. I thought, “dang, he fine.” Then of course she turned out to not be a guy. Then I figured out I still thought she was pretty fine, and then realized I was fine with that. Then she turned out to be fine with all that too.

        And now things are very fine indeed.

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        idk, i’ve been with girls as a girl and i still picture myself as a guy. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. i also really love the idea (but have not yet experienced godammit) of strapons. so idk, maybe it’s a thing. what i’m saying is it’s normal and sometimes you just wanna put a dick shaped thing in a girl and that’s ok

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    I think #1 is a teenie bit confused ..it’s ok I only found out ther are actual names for who is more in charge a lil while ago.. A top tends to take th lead & does most of the work but that’s th best bit, gainng pleasure from making others feel good.. A lesbian top has got to be th most self sacrificing lover you will ever have.. Correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t ther an AS article on this? If not ther should be! Lol but then ther are bottoms and then power bottoms, and god knows what other sort of roles people identify with, but wat is most important is that you have fun with someone you love/trust, safely… Because really who says Ther is only one way to have sex/love someone?If ur even reading this, on this site, you know that sex, and it’s forms, is as varied as th people that partake in it!!

    Have fun kiddies and play safe!!

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      I think this view that lesbian tops don’t get real pleasure but only vicarious pleasure is really naive. Maybe it’s true for some, but I can testify there ARE tops who get real physical pleasure being tops. I mean some are neither self-sacrificing nor vicarious, and are even plain selfish at times (or not a tiny bit more “altruistic” than the worst men can be). They do it in different ways, because – newsflash – sexuality is just so multi-faceted (esp female one) and it never ceases to surprise me how people can think that a given situation or fact applies to everyone.

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        I agree with the above comment. As someone who identifies more as a top I mostly get off on the powerplay of dominating someone. I mean I always stay within the guidelines of what she is comfortable with but at the end of the day I get off on how much I like dominance and aggression rather than how much she is enjoying herself.

        I like being more of a bottom at times but I’ve found that I can’t have a sexually satisfying relationship unless my partner is on board for being dominated.

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      Ah feck, that was ment to be for #2 .. I was too busy trying to be witty to pay attention to detail ..

      Wow, I think I just had an epiphany ……………………. I think I need to re-evaluate, brb…….

      Yea EVERYTHING makes sense now …

      Any way.. Yea .. Sometimes sucking is good!

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    11. you can truly like someone you just met, hook up and not regret it. if it’s there, it’s there. you are the one who has to be comfortable about things, not other people.

    12. nothing’s wrong with you. obviously you like sex and you know how to make yourself come/generally feel good. don’t stop having sex with yourself, don’t feel guilty about not coming when you sleep with other people.
    they should know, I think, that you don’t necessarily come, and faking it is not always a solution. but I think there are many of us out there, who have this kind of “problem”.
    I feel very repititive right now, but I don’t see it as a problem anymore. I don’t come like other people? well, sex is still. so. great. yay sex!! the best thing is to be honest & to talk about it & to find a woman who won’t judge you. for me, it became better just because I could relax more.

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    I cannot explain how much my girlfriend and I look forward to NSFW Sundays…thanks, Autostraddle! This is what we came up with…

    1. Riese. I’m really confused. I’ve never had lesbian sex before. How does the “bottom” get any physical pleasure at all? How does she orgasm if she’s not like… you know. Having stuff done to her. Please tell me!!

    - My girlfriend and I may be confused, but when we read this question, we thought… “Doesn’t the bottom get all the physical pleasure?” In our minds, the bottom is the one receiving, and the top is one giving…which would make your question, “How does the ‘TOP’ get any physical pleasure at all?” Regardless of title formality, the “giver” may get pleasure from giving, or you two can switch off, or there’s always mutual giving/receiving (a little trickier, but always fun!).

    2. I don’t have much experience kissing, and I’ve never gone down on a girl. What can I do so that when these things do happen, I don’t suck?

    - Personally, in both of those activities, I’m a fan of a little “sucking”…nothing wrong with a little suction ;)

    But, really… don’t worry. (Read my answer for #7 for more details!) Since everyone likes something different, don’t try to immediately be a pro. Take it slow, figure out what they like, and communicate!

    3. A girl that I like and went on a date two months ago wanted to keep things platonic because I’m ‘young’ (i’m 19, she’s 20) and a ‘virgin.’ She doesn’t mess with virgins… she came onto me two nights ago. Super strong like wanting to make out. What does this mean?

    - We think this means she wants to make out!

    4. I just started having sex with a girl a couple weeks ago and I’m having a really hard time getting off for some reason (nervous, new to it, just weird like that?). The girl is taking it kinda personally and I dunno what to say anymore. is this bad?

    - No, this definitely isn’t bad! Something my girlfriend and I discussed when we first starting having sex was that we both felt that sex is SO MUCH MORE than just a way to get an orgasm. Any old vibrator can give you an orgasm. The important and special parts of a sexual encounter with another person are building that intimate connection, sharing vulnerability and trust, and learning about each other. Getting off is great, but it’s a bonus…not the goal. That little conversation took a lot of pressure off of both of us, and I think that mentality makes it easier to relax (and end up getting off!).

    5. Lesbian sex is SO FUCKING HARD. Girl just left my room. No orgasm for either. Boys are easy. I feel shit that I didn’t make her come

    - Read my advice for #4 :)

    6. My girlfriend of two years and I have stopped having sex regularly, and I am really sad about it all the time. I’ve mentioned it and she just says she’s always tired, and since we don’t own each others bodies I won’t push her. I’m so sad. I like monogamy.

    - Ah, lesbian bed death… So common, so tragic. My advice? Bust out the kinky stuff! And have fun. If you live together or see each other on a regular basis, I think it’s also important to “maintain the sexy.”

    (“Maintain the sexy”: Keep the comfortable aspect of your relationship, but ditch the laziness. For example, don’t get dressed in front of each other…that way, you’re spending the whole day wondering what the other person is wearing under there! Be honest, but don’t excessively talk about burping or farting or bowel movements if at all possible. Brush your teeth before you kiss your girl in the morning. Don’t talk about work or parents in bed. The list goes on…)

    And be realistic: everyone has a different sex drive, and they can change depending on your age, stress factors, hormones, etc. Be honest with each other about how often you would like to have sex (and, during this conversation, make sure to mention all the reasons why you love having sex with her!).

    7. Is kissing supposed to be erotic? I only dig it when I’m drunk. sincerely, sexually inexperienced teen.

    - Absolutely! Kissing is SO much more than just pressing your lips onto someone else’s lips! Think about eye contact, your breath pattern, tracing your fingers along their skin, lightly using your teeth or suction, the pressure of your lips, your tongue movement…all these things make up your “kissing style.” In my experience, I’ve found that everyone has a different kissing style. And maybe you just have yet to find someone who matches your kissing style. When you do, you’ll realize what all the fuss is about…

    8. 2+yrs – In the beginning of our relationship, the sex was mind blowing. she’s currently dealing w/ issues of childhood sexual abuse and I’m REALLY trying to be as supportive as i can, but we never have sex anymore. I miss her & connecting w/ her. Help??

    - At this point, I don’t think there’s much to suggest except professional counseling. As for you, be supportive, be understanding, and communicate! Assure her that she is special and amazing to you, and try to find other ways to connect on that level…think about the things that brought you two closer together at the beginning, and maybe recreate those special moments?

    9. I can never get myself off, but when I’m just making out with a girl I get SO close in like 30 seconds. Is this normal/fixable?

    - CONGRATS!! No need to fix this! If your vagina is throbbing while you’re making out with a girl, you’re doing something right ;)

    10. I often daydream about being with/dating a girl (mostly people i see on teevee, not necessarily people i know in real life). I’m a girl. but in the daydream, I am a guy. whattt? I’ve never had any sexual experiences and this just makes me damn confused.

    - Since I haven’t dealt with such a feeling, I deferred this question to my lovely girlfriend. She said she felt similarly when she was younger because she knew she had feelings for girls, but she thought the only way she could act on them was if she was a boy (because her religious beliefs told her that being gay was wrong). She later realized that being gay is not wrong, and that two women can be in love and act on their feelings and live in a happy, gay world. Might not be your issue, but it’s an idea – hope that helps :)

    11. I want to sleep with a girl. People say it’s better to wait until you truly like someone. Thoughts?

    - You want to sleep with a girl? Who doesn’t?! ;)

    I know it’s cliché, but it’s absolutely worth it to wait for someone special. If you don’t, then you don’t, and that’s fine…but if you’re not absolutely DYING (and you can hastily procure a vibrator), then I suggest waiting for someone awesome. Even if you two don’t work out, you’ll still have great memories of sharing that moment with someone meaningful.

    12. I can only orgasm by myself with a vibrator. I’m 21 and gay, wouldn’t some girl have figured me out by now?/Wouldn’t I have figured myself out by now? What’s wrong with me?

    - Nothing is wrong with you! Think about your sexual partners: have they taken the time and effort to learn about you and your body, or was it hurried/nervous sex? To reach orgasm, you have to be relaxed…and that often won’t happen unless you completely trust the other person. (You may also want to read my response to #4 – and don’t put so much pressure on yourself!)

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    This is kind of graphic so sorry if it offends any one:

    2. I emailed a very similar question to a queer friend when I first realized I liked girls and that I liked them naked, and this is how she replied:

    I like to first run just the tip of my tongue up and down the edges of the labia majora, teasing very lightly and slowly…. then teasing again with the tip just the hood of the clitoris, moving it gently from side to side, maybe holding the labia apart with my fingers to enable me to be so delicate with my tongue… then moving slowly downwards, passing slowly over the slightly exposed tip of the clit, but not stopping… delving between the folds of the labia, moving slowly then making circles with my tongue round the entrance… then moving downwards and licking at the bottom of the vulva, on the perineum, drinking in the juices, then upwards and letting my tongue slowly go inside the woman’s pussy… then flattening out my tonge and drawing it upwards onto her clit, starting to lap up and down, slowly but firmly… feeling how she is moving, listening to her breathing… then sucking her clit in between my teeth and slowly letting it out again, letting my teeth graze slightly on it… then lapping harder and faster, making my tongue point a little so it bears slightly on her clitoris, teases the hood up and away… then use my fingers of one hand to pull the hood up and away and expose the sensitve part of her clit, and with the other hand put two gfingers in her and curl them up to find her g-spot, just inside her vagina on the front wall, and slowly stroke it, letting her start to thrust up and down on me, taking my fingers and my tongue as she wants them…

    When she comes I love to feel her muscles clenching round my fingers, c*** pushed up into my face, and juices squeezing out of her with each pulse of her climax…

    It helped me out a lot with my first time that someone was actually specific. Women are different and each woman you have sexyfuntimes with may want something different so pay attention to how she reacts to what you’re doing and when you notice she really likes what you’re doing be consistent. Most importantly, don’t expect the world on a platter. Go into it appreciating that you’re naked with a beautiful girl and have fun. Don’t think “i have to make her come, i have to make her come”. Just appreciate, listen to the way her body reacts. AND If she’s doing something right, for you, tell her.

    One more thing she told me that made a huge fucking impact: MOAN. When you’re going down on her moan. Don’t go over the top with it but it lets her know you REALLY like what you’re doing which helps her to relax and enjoy the moment. Now go get ‘em tiger.

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    1) Bottoms and tops both get off in their own ways (and I’m pretty sure you were asking your question about tops, not bottoms, since they are the fuck-ers and the bottoms are the fuck-ees….Also…I’ve never been either of those roles, my gf and I are allll about switching off. I think it is way more fun, that’s just us though, so do whatever makes you feel comfortable

    2) The only way you’re gonna learn, honey, is through practice, so get going!

    3) I agree with above…it means she wants you but doesn’t want to take your virginity because she probs thinks you’ll get suuuuper attached (she probably got this idea from freaked out straight guys, sigh). Just make it clear that that will not happen and that you can handle losing it like a big girl and take care of yourself.

    4) Sucks when they take it personally, but it really isn’t their fault OR yours. Orgasms are like 99% mental anyway, in my experience. And the more you DON’T have them, the more you trip yourself out and get paranoid, thus ensuring that you aren’t able to get off the next time. Break the cycle! Relax, think of sexytime things when she’s doing whatever she’s doing to you, and let yourself enjoy the moment. (I also think 69 really helps when you’re trying to get off because it focuses you on the important things…like her vadge…and makes it so that your mind can’t wander)

    5. Lesbian sex is hard, but so much more rewarding than sex with boys, mainly because you have to actually participate and do something (girl on top is lame o compared to some of the creative positions i’ve gotten into with the ladies). just stick with it, build up your upper body strength, and work on your flexibility…you’ll be there in no time.

    6. My gf and I (of 4 plus years) have a super dynamic and active sex life, however, there ARE times when one or both of us is simply too stressed or too menstrual to get into the mood (and our periods are 1 week apart so there are about 6 days each month when that shit just ain’t happening). Just try to talk to her and see if anything in her mind is usurping her horniness and if there’s anything you can do to help. Also, prancing around the room wearing nothing but boyshorts tends to help…

    7. Kissing is erotic to me…I love it. But I didn’t like kissing guys so much, so make sure you’ve got the right gender on the other end. haha

    8. That’s rough…people who have been abused have a whole extra set of issues to work out when it comes to sex. Just be as supportive as you can. (ps why did this suddenly come up 2 years into the relationship? how did you guys navigate this before?)

    9. I’ve never had that experience of not being able to get myself off, but yeah, I’d say that’s totally normal…kissing gets me super turned on too…

    10. Never happened to me, but that’s fascinating. I agree with earlier commenters saying that it was probably drilled into your head via heteronormative society and you need to write it over w your own experiences

    11. Have sex with a girl. Just make sure she isn’t 1) a one night stand or 2) crazy

    12. I’ve met girls like this before…and hooked up with girls like this before. If you want to get off w a partner, bring the vibrator into the sex and integrate it. Maybe eventually you won’t need it, maybe you always will…there’s still nothing wrong with you. Also I would try masturbating without a vibrator too, just to see if you can do it, that way when a girl uses her own hands on you, you might respond to it more? Sex is sex is sex and orgasms are great and everyone’s different. the end.

    7.

    5.

    4)

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      Y’know, I have to disagree with the several replies to #11 saying “no, make sure it’s super special, it can’t be a one-night stand!”

      The first time I ever had hetero sex it was, essentially, a one-night stand. (Well, two-night. Same diff.) I was 16 and I just figured it was a good time for that to happen. I think I was able to have more fun and relax knowing that it wan’t going to be this Giant Important Milestone in our relationship, cos we didn’t have much of a pre-existing relationship at all. I didn’t keep seeing him — dude did, in fact, turn out to be crazy — but I got what I wanted from the encounter and was less nervous about having sex when I finally met someone that I was really invested in.

      The first time I ever had lesbian sex it could very well have ended up as a one-night stand — I’d literally met her that very night, and we didn’t have any designs on each other’s futures. But now we’ve been together for two years and it’s awesome, so that can happen too.

      In summary: I think it’s okay to have sex, even if it’s your first time, with someone you’re just hot for, and it doesn’t have to be a huge deal. Just know yourself and your own expectations and be safe and have fun.

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        Agreed — my first time with a woman was a one-night stand that I wasn’t necessarily looking for and it was fantabulous. I was honest with her and told her it was my first time and, well, it made her even more into it (sorta like she was giving me a magical mystery tour) ;)

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        Word. My partner (who is also the first person I ever slept with, heh) and I had only been dating a couple of weeks when we did it. It could have easily turned out that we would have gone our separate ways shortly thereafter… we didn’t, but that’s a moot point. ;)

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          I guess I should have included the clause “don’t make it a one night stand if you’re not comfortable with the possibility that it won’t go anywhere” If you’re cool with it (and many of us, including myself, are) then by all means…seduce that girl at the frat costume party, you may be in for quite a life-changing ride :)

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    Okay, I have no advice to offer because my experiences are all pretty new, but Imma bite the bullet here and ask a question that’s been on my mind recently. Or, like. For the whole of my relationship with my girlfriend. We’ve had some communication issues because she doesn’t fluently speak English yet and I don’t fluently speak Japanese yet, so we speak a pretty haphazard mix of both. She’s super-aggressive and dominant sexually, but it only ever seems like she wants to do things to me. I’ve tried pretty damn hard to reciprocate, but she doesn’t seem interested at all. She told me recently that she mainly just likes touching me and doing things to me, and that she only let me start touching her because I seemed unhappy and guilty about not reciprocating after she didn’t let me the first few times. I’m starting to become convinced that maybe she secretly identifies as transgendered (if so, I feel like an asshole about the pronouns, but I can’t help it if I don’t know), but she won’t even come out about our relationship, so if she is? No one is ever going to know. She hates her breasts (she says they’re mendokusai because she’s a basketball player and they’re large and get in her way a lot), she doesn’t seem to like it when I touch her genitals very much, etc. She’s pretty masculine, but that’s not as relevant–there are lots of female-identified people who are masculine and I know that.

    I dunno if it’s relevant, but the only times I’ve managed to get her off were via scissoring, which uh. Takes lots and lots of time and energy and flexibility. Which isn’t really a problem for her since she’s an athlete, but I’m not quite as in shape as her, so I always end up super-exhausted. I personally don’t get much out of it, but I don’t mind that as long as I can do something she likes.

    TL;DR but does it sound like she might be trans? I love her and I’ll be staying with her pretty much no matter what, but it’ll be strange to be dating a guy if it turns out she is. Should I be worried or feel guilty about not being able to get her off if she doesn’t want me to? Does anyone know anything that would help me? I’d be happy to hear any advice anyone has, I’m getting kind of desperate.

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      I think you should trust her when she tells you what she’s into sexually, and stop feeling guilty for not being able to do something that she doesn’t even want. Although I’m not at all in your gf’s situation, I can say that making someone else come is really super physically satisfying to me, even if I don’t.

      Are you okay with always or almost always being the receiving partner, though? Putting aside your desire to please her, is it important to your own sexuality to make your partner come? If it is really frustrating to you in that respect, you guys just might not be a good match in bed. But if you’re okay with it and can really just let yourself relax and believe her, you could be fine.

      So as to the trans issue: have you brought it up at all with her? I know there’s a language barrier, and obvs it’d be jerky to be like, “Hey, guess what, I think you’re secretly trans!” but maybe you could come at it non-confrontationally. I think you might just have to wait, be open and listen to her when the subject is broached. She might turn out to be trans, but she might not, and either way, there’s not much you can do but convey that you’re supportive and you like being with her.

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        Thank you so much for this reply, I found it really helpful~.

        I’m okay with being the receiving partner almost always if I’m totally sure that she honestly doesn’t want anything more from me. If I become sure of that, it really won’t be that much of a problem. I just can’t help this pervasive guilty feeling that I’m not doing something she might want, which is probably totally untrue because she tends to be fairly honest.

        It would actually be pretty hard to bring the subject up with her. I’ve tried having conversations about trans-related issues when they were relevant, like after I went to a trans panel and actually had a good reason to, but she was pretty much like lolk that’s interesting.

        Thanks again for your advice! I feel a bit better about things, and less like I’m neglecting her on a regular basis. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer <3

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    OMG I have a lot of feelings about all of this. I think the best advice for newbies is to just take it slow, have fun with it, and read your partner’s cues…and BE HONEST. If you have no experience, don’t be ashamed…even the biggest slutty hoho’s were in your shoes once (and in your pants. ZING) Any lesbo worth her salt will be glad to give direction/advice.

    All women are different, some like to be on top or bottom, give or receive, dress up or down, clitoral or vaginal stim only…we are all beautiful and unique snowflakes that like to fuck.

    And #5, don’t sweat it…you’ll get there, just remember to lighten up and have fun…it’s just sex!

    And when in doubt, I usually find that putting 2 fingers inside a girl while you lick/suck on her clit usually does the trick for anyone.

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    “10. I often daydream about being with/dating a girl (mostly people i see on teevee, not necessarily people i know in real life). I’m a girl. but in the daydream, I am a guy.”

    OK, so I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE. Seriously, though, for most of my childhood/adolescence and into my young adulthood, this was my primary fantasy: a male version of me kissing/holding/having sex with a girl. I think this probably had a lot to do with the fact that popular culture didn’t really provide me with an idea of what it would be like to be in a relationship with another girl, so I sort of improvised in my mind. Once I got older and I realized I could be myself and still be with a girl, those fantasies disappeared. Although, if they hadn’t, I don’t think there would have been anything wrong with it. Fantasies and daydreams don’t need to make sense.

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    Everyone is different, but just to simplify things… Tops (defined above) generally get off from the bottoms getting off. Even though it may sound confusing, in practice it can be super hot, so stay open to new experiences.

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    2. WOAH THERE BUDDY, slow down a bit. Anyways going down on girls is easy. You don’t have to do much more than listen to do it right. And you don’t have to start out with marathons. Just pop down for even 30seconds or a minute while having sex to change it up. But really, slow down! no rush!

    4 and 5 – Dude, you are gay ladies, first step is to have talks about your feelings. But also, orgasms just don’t happen a lot for some women. Being nervous or concentrating on wanting orgasms makes it A LOT harder. If you are thinking about orgasms while having sex, it will likely not happen. Being super calm and taking reeeeaaally deep breaths while having sex might help. Getting a little drunk might help too. But again, for some girls, orgasms are just really difficult. And sex can be awesome without one, they really shouldn’t be this goal you are setting out to achieve during sex.

    9. I do not understand the problem. There is not a problem. Besides lack of masturbating, but I would just suggest working on it, trying different things.

    10. I haven’t personally, but I know girls who have done/do this, it’s normal. Have no worries.

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    3. A girl that I like and went on a date two months ago wanted to keep things platonic because I’m ‘young’ (i’m 19, she’s 20) and a ‘virgin.’ She doesn’t mess with virgins… she came onto me two nights ago. Super strong like wanting to make out. What does this mean?

    if i was with someone who said i was “young” because i was a year younger, i would dump them so fast.

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    For questions 4, 5 and 12: vibrators can be fun in bed when you have sex with a partner too ;)
    Also helpful: watching your partner get herself off can be extremely educational (and hot.)
    And lastly: great sex is often correlated with great communication. Talk to each other before, during, after.. Tell your partner when she’s doing something right and for gods’ sake, don’t lie, verbally or otherwise — if you do, you’ll trap yourself in shitty sex for the duration of your relationship (if it’s someone you’ll continue to have sex with.. if not, whatevs, fake away =P)

    I think in general, stigma around sex as a taboo subject is at the root of a lot of unsatisfying sex. Find some sex-positive friends (like the ladies around here) and have a lot of frank conversations about it and it’ll help you get over embarrassment about it.

    As for the questions that are more about relationships, I have no advice. Y’all let me know if you get that figured out.

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    1. Being a bottom is for submissive people love. There’s a mindset/ emotional condition involved. Maybe its not for you?

    2. If you have a girlfriend: play the “question game” or whatever. Have you guys talked about what sounds good to you and what sounds good to her?? If not, WHY ARE YOU GOING DOWN ON HER?? I knew basically how to get my girlfriend off a year before we had sex, and trust me, it’s SO MUCH LESS NERVE-WRACKING….

    3. She likes you, if youre not ready to do A LOT with her, she’ll understand, but she likes sex… sorry honey. Talk with her, really, I bet she’ll tell you the same thing.

    4. Its extremely common to not have an orgasm while uncomfortable with sex. Talk with your lady friend, its not her fault, and youre probably liking sex with her just fine… It’s something that needs worked into.

    5. I said this earlier in the post but : have you discussed what feels good to her and what feels good to you?? If can‘t talk about sex, WHY ARE YOU HAVING SEX?? Also, is an orgasm everything? Not in my world. It is to most guys, but your girlfriend isn’t one of those, and neither are you.

    6. Monogamy is so much less painful in my experience… Maybe she’s depressed?? I would look into that.

    7. Dear sexually inexperienced teen, the kissing is only the beginning… sometimes its not as hot, just plain kissing, maybe its not your thing, or maybe you haven’t kissed the right girl….

    8. TALK TO YOUR LADY FRIEND- maybe sex isn’t on the agenda right now, but help her work out of it. In a similar situation with my girlfriend I found the best policy is- be soft with her, don’t go all the way, ask her how far she’s comfortable going… you might be surprised how quickly softly kissing turns into going an awful lot farther.

    9. I think its probably normal. I’ve never had the key to getting myself off either, sex is for sharing in my world…

    10. I know what you mean. You’re probably most comfortable in situations typically seen as the “boy’s” place. (I.e. you’re arm around her shoulders) Yes?? Not weird.. I used to wake up with an erection before remembering that that’s impossible… So youre less weird than me??

    11. My thoughts- I would never lose my virginity to someone I wasn’t ULTRA passionate about. Reasoning? I want it to be someone I want to remember. I don’t want thinking about my first time to be “who was that guy again?? I didn’t really know him” I prefer, “wow, she was so incredible, even though we weren’t together forever, it was SO GREAT while it lasted…”

    12. Maybe that’s your thing?? Lots of women don’t have their first orgasm ‘till after 25, and some don’t have one at all, so maybe your “some girl would have figured me out” logic is a little flawed….

    PS – my form spring is jelizabethrites dot form spring dot me I know things about sex and relationships and I love you all.

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      i don’t agree that being a bottom has to be for submissive girls. i identify as a bottom but does that mean my hands aren’t working, or i’m not telling her what to do? nope. i think you can be a bottom and still be aggressive, or a mix of aggressive and submissive.

      can you be a middle? is that a thing?

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    1. Riese. I’m really confused. I’ve never had lesbian sex before. How does the “bottom” get any physical pleasure at all? How does she orgasm if she’s not like… you know. Having stuff done to her. Please tell me!!

    Others have already addressed the terminology problem here, so yeah. I can tell you that in my relationship, we switch off, but I also tend to get a hell of a lot of pleasure just out of seeing my partner get pleasured.

    2. I don’t have much experience kissing, and I’ve never gone down on a girl. What can I do so that when these things do happen, I don’t suck?

    Quit worrying! And solicit advice from people you’ve kissed/gone down on. A formal survey might be a bit overkill, but you know.

    3. A girl that I like and went on a date two months ago wanted to keep things platonic because I’m ‘young’ (i’m 19, she’s 20) and a ‘virgin.’ She doesn’t mess with virgins… she came onto me two nights ago. Super strong like wanting to make out. What does this mean?

    Was she drunk? Alcohol tends to do this to people.

    4. I just started having sex with a girl a couple weeks ago and I’m having a really hard time getting off for some reason (nervous, new to it, just weird like that?). The girl is taking it kinda personally and I dunno what to say anymore. is this bad?

    Wow, pressure to perform much? I’m not talking about on her part, but rather yours! Feeling like you *have* to come for sex to be good is counterproductive, because if it just ain’t happening (and sometimes, it isn’t!) you feel like shit about it. Tell your girl to chill the fuck out.

    5. Lesbian sex is SO FUCKING HARD. Girl just left my room. No orgasm for either. Boys are easy. I feel shit that I didn’t make her come :(

    See answer above.

    6. My girlfriend of two years and I have stopped having sex regularly, and I am really sad about it all the time. I’ve mentioned it and she just says she’s always tired, and since we don’t own each others bodies I won’t push her. I’m so sad. I like monogamy.

    What’s going on to make her so tired? Does she have a stressful job? Is there some kind of medical problem at play? Is it just an excuse for some stupid reason? I say address this problem and the other one will likely resolve itself.

    7. Is kissing supposed to be erotic? I only dig it when I’m drunk. sincerely, sexually inexperienced teen.

    It is for some. We’re all different.

    8. 2+yrs – In the beginning of our relationship, the sex was mind blowing. she’s currently dealing w/ issues of childhood sexual abuse and I’m REALLY trying to be as supportive as i can, but we never have sex anymore. I miss her & connecting w/ her. Help??

    Shit, that’s tough. I fully don’t know what to tell you. :/

    9. I can never get myself off, but when I’m just making out with a girl I get SO close in like 30 seconds. Is this normal/fixable?

    What’s normal? There’s such a range out there! ;) I think there might be a small bit of that performance anxiety thing going on here…

    10. I often daydream about being with/dating a girl (mostly people i see on teevee, not necessarily people i know in real life). I’m a girl. but in the daydream, I am a guy. whattt? I’ve never had any sexual experiences and this just makes me damn confused.

    Sexual fantasies can get pretty wild sometimes and include experiences you might find weird or downright unpleasant in real life (e.g. rape fantasies). I’d treat this as a wacky thing your brain does sometimes and not read into it too much. Or buy a strap-on. Or both.

    11. I want to sleep with a girl. People say it’s better to wait until you truly like someone. Thoughts?

    Different strokes for different folks.

    12. I can only orgasm by myself with a vibrator. I’m 21 and gay, wouldn’t some girl have figured me out by now?/Wouldn’t I have figured myself out by now? What’s wrong with me?

    Have you brought the vibrator to bed with a girl? Because some people need more stimulation than others, and that’s totally okay. (I’m like that on many days.) If you have brought the vibrator to bed and it’s not worked, see my prior notes on performance anxiety.

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    11. It would be helpful if you do like the other person, but it doesn’t have to be super-special. Sometimes the deep affection comes *after* the sex. Do what you and the other person are comfortable with; it’s your feelings that matter most, not those of other unrelated people.

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      7. I find that the person’s kissing skills make a HUGE HUGE difference in how erotic it is. Find a good – or better yet great – kisser and you are in erotic heaven. I’ve kissed a few girls but finally found one who wasn’t just decent (and wasn’t trying to wash my mouth out with her tongue like mots others) she was *incredible*. Ugh melty, I could kiss her for days and still not be satisfied. kjasdaklhflakfqw;;;

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        Truth. My last boyfriend would like engulf my mouth and try to swallow my lips or something and after wiping his drool from my mouth and chin for the dozenth time, I ended up thinking, “Oh, maybe French kissing isn’t so great after all.” My first girlfriend cleared that madness right up, though.

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    12. I can only orgasm by myself with a vibrator. I’m 21 and gay, wouldn’t some girl have figured me out by now?/Wouldn’t I have figured myself out by now? What’s wrong with me?

    STOP USING YOUR VIBRATOR. You’ve gotten your clit dependent on vibration. You can’t come with a human because no human can move their finger/tongue/whatever at that rate. I did the same thing. I got addicted to my magic wand, without it I couldn’t cum. Lovers and even my finger took way long or didn’t work at all. It’s easy to fix. just move your vibrator away from your bed or wherever you masturbate.., then when you feel the urge try to get re-acquainted with doing it natural style. Your clit may have temporarily lost some sensitivity. At first you may not cum, but keep trying and eventually you’ll get it. Use porno or other helpers. Before you know it you’ll be pleasuring yourself without a harsh artificial vibration. Once you bring back the sensitivity it will be easier for other people to make you cum. My suggestion is after you break your “thing” with the vibrator don’t go back to using it all the time – I only use mine now when i’m feeling uber lazy and just wanna cum and fall asleep.

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      is this true? It makes sense. I find orgasms really difficult. But I think that comes from being so subconsciously revolted by my own body that I can’t bear to touch it, and think that others feel the same way. But if no human parts are touching my lady parts, I’m fine.

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      Some things about this:

      1. This is definitely true for some people (e.g.: YOU) but
      2. A lot of people find that they really can’t come without a specific stimulus, vibrators are really common for women. Sometimes this is just a habit but sometimes it’s just a thing about your sexuality.
      3. Only being able to come with a vibrator isn’t actually a problem unless you want to have sex a lot in places where you can’t have one (like … um, spontaneous beach sex, I guess, but I’ve never personally been interested in beach sex spontaneously or otherwise).

      My instinct is to be wary about problematising things that are only a problem because of attitudes, especially because orgasming is so blah blah psychological drama (or so I hear, it’s never been a problem for me, but w/e). If #12 can have orgasms with minimal trouble but needs a vibrator, I really don’t think that’s a problem. It’s sort of like the questions straight guys send to Dan Savage – “My girlfriend doesn’t come when I’m pounding away at her, she always has to reach down and touch herself! What’s wrong with her?!” NOTHING, HELLO. An orgasm doesn’t become magically better or more worthy because it happened because of fingers/tongue instead of vibe.

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    “8. 2+yrs – In the beginning of our relationship, the sex was mind blowing. she’s currently dealing w/ issues of childhood sexual abuse and I’m REALLY trying to be as supportive as i can, but we never have sex anymore. I miss her & connecting w/ her. Help??”

    As someone who has been on your gf’s end of things, I can share with you the following info; please bear with me if this is a repeat for you:

    1. These kinds of issues can come up in a relationship once that relationship has hit a certain level of closeness. For someone whose emotional and physical safety was violated at a young age, this closeness can feel threatening because it’s also associated at a deep level with that violation. (Like a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.)

    2. My partner at the time I started dealing with my own childhood sexual abuse was somewhat clueless but also instinctually really supportive. Some of the things he did to make me feel safe and loved were: witness me in my anger, pain, and confusion without judging me for it even though he had no idea what I was going through (we took acting and meditation classes together); hold me; let me be the one to initiate kissing; let me be the one to decide how far we were going to go; not pressure me to have sex; reassure me that he loved me for many reasons besides sex; continue to feel good about his own sexuality and (I am assuming) masturbate without sharing it with me. Some things I wish he had done to take care of himself were: read Staci Haines’ amazing book The Survivor’s Guide to Sex (which has a chapter for partners of people dealing with these issues) so he could be more knowledgeable; tell me what his own needs were around this so I didn’t worry that I was taking advantage of his kindness. (Which is such an amorphous thing, I realize, and one that was sort of a general problem in our relationship.)

    3. This too shall pass. You are brave for asking tough questions and maintaining your good feelings about your own sexuality while your gf is brave for dealing head-on with the most world-rocking horrorshow ever invented. It sounds like you love her a lot, and are rooting for her. It’s true that you two might not have sex for a long time, and that if/when you start up again there might be some tough times where you start to fool around, she gets triggered and wants to stop, and you feel frustrated and just want to have sex with this person you love for pete’s sake. The thing about dealing with this stuff is that you have to fully tread through the mire to get to the sunny meadow of flowers, rainbows, and prancing kittens. That partner and I eventually made it through the mire to the kittens, and they were totally TOTALLY awesome kittens, if you know what I mean. Keeping an eye on your own needs and acknowledging them to yourself is half the battle. BIG UPS!!!

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    11. I want to sleep with a girl. People say it’s better to wait until you truly like someone. Thoughts?

    my thoughts, from my experiences are to just go for it when the moments right. i lost my virginity to a girl on a drunken night. not great sex, but i don’t regret it.

    maybe bad advice? but it was a learning experience, and when i first slept with the girl i had serious feelings for, i was able to be more comfortable with her since she wasn’t my first.

    but that’s just my experience..

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      I completely agree. There is definitely something to be said for fucking someone you love for the first time. But my first time with a girl was with someone I hardly new and I don’t regret it at all. It was amazing and turned into a week long marathon. We’re still friends but didn’t feel the need to have a relationship with her just because the sex was good. Make sure you’re in a safe environment, but bottom line is when you feel the time is right and you are ready then go for it. It doesn’t have to be the love of your life to be hot and amazing.

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    Middle of the night, so I’ll just cover this one real quick.

    12. Something that’s likely a factor – maybe you just need more stimulation to get there? The speed and intensity of a vibrator speeds up the process for me, but manual rubbing still works – it just takes longer and takes more effort. Guess I’m a little slow on the uptake? I’ve found a happy medium in parking my pussy under the faucet during/after a shower (don’t have a spray attachment, but at least I’m flexible) – it combines, for me, toylessness’ slow buildup and gentle diffusion of stimulation with the steady, relentless, wrist-saving pace a vibrator provides. Could be a happy medium if you wanna try to wean yourself down – and even if it doesn’t work, hopefully you’ll have fun doing it. No worries if you still need the vibrator, though – if you want someone else to get you off, just tell her what to do with it!

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    Confession, y’all: I actually dislike orgasming. I’d rather just fool around and then cuddle some. And then maybe fool around some more.

    But… I wouldn’t consider myself a stone butch, cause I’m all for being touched. Heck, I don’t even consider myself butch, I’m a lipstick lesbian.

    So basically, the only point of this comment was to underline that everyone likes different stuff, and the only way that the only way to find out what someone likes in bed is to ask them! Also, someone letting me know that I’m not all alone in my dislike of orgasms would be nice. =)

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        I must say, I’m quite intrigued. I’d be interested to know more if either of you would be comfortable talking about it. Like, “what do orgasms feel like for you?” And “what don’t you like about them?” I totally understand if these are off-putting questions you don’t want to answer. And if they are, I’m sorry for asking. Couth could only win out over curiosity for so long..

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    1.) I think you mean the “top” and not the “bottom”. Some people really get off on getting others off.

    2.) What people think of as good kissing is subjective. That being said, I personally think that bad kissers: (a.) Don’t move thier lips at all when they are kissing. (b.) Shove their tongues down your throat so far that your gag reflex kicks in. (c.) Spit or drool in your mouth. A kiss should be wet, but not THAT wet. (d.) Have baby bird syndrome – this is when the person you are kissing just sticks their tongue out with their mouth open. If you open your eyes while kissing this person, they look like a baby bird waiting for their parent to feed them. It ties to (a.) because they don’t move their lips at all, they just stick their tongue out with their mouth open and try to play tongue hockey with you.

    Concerning going down, I’ve found that fingerblasting while licking the clit often produces wonderful results. And, communication is vitally important.

    3.) This woman doesn’t sound like she knows what she wants. I would ask her why she is all of the sudden coming on to you when before she wanted to keep things platonic.

    4.) Are you able to get off when you masturbate? Masturbation is great because you can find out what works for you and what doesn’t.

    5.) You shouldn’t feel like shit. You need to communicate with each other about what you like. And like many others on here have said, just because you don’t always orgasm doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun.

    6.) You need to sit down with your gf, and in a nonjudgemental way tell her your feelings. Many long-term couples go through periods where they aren’t having sex as much. Sometimes it’s just a temporary thing, and sometimes it’s indicative of deeper problems in a relationship.

    7.) Kissing is definitely supposed to be erotic. If you are doing it with someone you have great sexual chemistry and compatibility with, it’s like an orgasmic explosion of rainbows and unicorns.

    8.) It sounds like she may really need to seek counseling to deal with her past sexual abuse. I feel very unqualified to answer this question.

    9.) You say you get SO close, but are you able to then orgasm with the girl? If you can orgasm with another person, you can probably eventually get yourself off too.

    10.) This is just normal fantasizing. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you.

    11.) I think that for some people it’s better if they truly like the person they are having sex with. And then for others I don’t think it matters as much. It depends on the person.

    12.) If all you use when you masturbate is a vibrator, you can get very dependent on it. Try to see if you can get yourself off without the vibrator. Having trouble with getting off can often be more mental than physical – don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

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    I was just saying to a friend of mine that there needed to be a lesbian Dan Savage, and look! A whole post full of them!

    I’ll try not to repeat stuff other people have said …

    “1. Riese. I’m really confused. I’ve never had lesbian sex before. How does the “bottom” get any physical pleasure at all? How does she orgasm if she’s not like… you know. Having stuff done to her. Please tell me!!”

    Blah blah top bottom giving receiving stuff other people have said. But this is what I think: the idea of simultaneous orgasms, everyone all going yay at the same time, is a myth *even in het sex*, in fact IMO it’s a myth perpetuated to pressure straight ladies into faking orgasm so their partner doesn’t have to exert himself before/after he gets their himself. In the real world, plenty of guys go down on their girlfriends so they can come before he has his fun, plenty of girls suck their boyfriend’s dicks so he can come after intercourse, and obvs there’s a lot of variation in there. Same is true when girls have sex with girls and guys have sex with guys. Taking turns, doing things your partner likes before or after, etc. Also whenever you have a hand free you can take care of yourself.

    “7. Is kissing supposed to be erotic? I only dig it when I’m drunk. sincerely, sexually inexperienced teen.”

    I dig it in exact proportion to how into a person I am, the higher the stakes the more I like it. although I also do enjoy kissing a lot more when I’m drunk, I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I’m more likely to make out with people I’m into in a would-never-ask-them-out-in-case-they-turned-me-down way when I’m drunk, so maybe that’s what’s going on with you? But sometimes kissing is kinda bad, like they’re sloppy or bite too hard or don’t bite enough or you just generally don’t like biting or whatever. Maybe you just know bad kissers, maybe you need to practise some more! Or maybe you just will never be into it. It’s not the be all end all.

    “12. I can only orgasm by myself with a vibrator. I’m 21 and gay, wouldn’t some girl have figured me out by now?/Wouldn’t I have figured myself out by now? What’s wrong with me?”

    A lot of people have told you to bring a vibe to bed. But if that doesn’t help, the issue might just be nervousness about sex? Maybe? IDK? Especially if this has become a built-up issue and you end up kind of psyching yourself out about it, you know? Also, just, a lot of women and men can only come in random ways, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them. Some people can’t come at all and THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT EITHER. Some people can only come humping a towel (true story). By comparison needing a vibe is way more interactive and fun for your partner!

    OK, I think I’m done telling people what to do for this week!

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    [i] 10. I often daydream about being with/dating a girl (mostly people i see on teevee, not necessarily people i know in real life). I’m a girl. but in the daydream, I am a guy. whattt? I’ve never had any sexual experiences and this just makes me damn confused. [/i]

    This happened to me way past the adolescent/young adult stage others referenced above. Basically, it took me a long time to be comfortable with my sexuality. Way too long. But there was never a point where I wasn’t sexually interested in girls. For me, it was just a subconscious way of “normalizing” the whole thing.

    But beyond that, fantasies are fantasies. We think about a lot of stuff that have no relation to reality.

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    Being a terrible reader and checked out all the photos before words but can I shout you a holler, AS?

    YA’LL ARE AWESOME.
    I mean, it sucks that I even have to point out that this isn’t normal. But the womyn here aren’t all twigs, and there are normal looking girls, a big of race diversity. It’s not all skinny white girls in Victoria’s Secret lingerie from aerial view lookin’ all tender, you know?

    Thank you. Thank you for that.

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    for 10. Know this is like a week behind but hey I was busy…

    It’s okay. I’ve felt this way too.

    It’s okay. Really.

    There’s a couple things that could be going on here:

    1. What everyone else said. Gender roles. Heteronormativity. Etc.

    2. Maybe you’re working through some gender issues of your own that go beyond this. Fantasizing this way doesn’t make you trans or genderqueer or whatever, but I didn’t see anyone else even really talk about this. If you consider yourself a girl, then don’t worry, you’re a girl.

    But if you’re trying to figure out all that complicated gender stuff and are like “but what if I don’t feel like a girl all the time etc” that’s alright too.

    (Basic 101 in case you don’t know. Some people identify as trans and decide to transition from being a lady to being a dude. Or vice versa. Some people identify as genderqueer or other nonbinary gender identities because they don’t fit neatly into one category or another. http://www.tvox.org is a good resource for this stuff.)

    For a while I struggled with my own gender non-normativity. Why I always identified with guys in movies/songs. Why I still get turned on by the idea of being the “guy” in a relationship (yeah not every relationship needs roles but you know…). I ended up determining that personally, I’m just gay and butch. I also ended up reconciling this with my female body and realizing that it was okay to have girl parts and still feel the way I do.

    For other people, the journey might go other directions.

    Maybe you’re a girl. Maybe you’re a guy. Maybe you’re something else that is neither or both but equally wonderful.

    But if you’re on that kind of journey, don’t worry. You’re not alone.

    3. You like fantasizing about this and that’s it.
    We all fantasize about some pretty interesting stuff. Doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to.

    either way, best of luck with your future sexual experiences/relationships (cause yes, believe it or not, you will probably have one. might be sooner than you think.)

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