My Top 5 Frozen Pizzas

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We’re celebrating Autostraddle’s Fifth Birthday all month long by publishing a bunch of Top Fives. This is one of them!


I love pizza. When someone asks me what are the best three words to describe myself, I have to sometimes remember that pizza is not a personality trait. To make matters worse, I’m from Chicago so not only am I obsessed with pizza, I’m used to having the best pizza in the world. YEAH, THE WORLD. I SAID IT. When I was younger, we would have the shittiest brands of frozen pizza. I’m from a big family and there were a solid couple years where a majority of us were in the “eat like assholes” phase wherein we just ate until whatever was being served was gone regardless of if we were full or if other people had gotten their fair share or not. During this time, Tony’s was the main offender. It’s important to note that even though price was the only factor that mattered when buying frozen pizza, my parents still knew better than to serve us Totino’s. How could they get pizza rolls so right and pizza so wrong.

My Top 5 Frozen Pizzas

cpk

5. California Pizza Kitchen

It’s like, “Do I want pizza on a large unstable cracker?” Maybe. You know what, sometimes I do. Gimme that not filling cracker pizza with weird toppings. I need a break from the cheesy monotony.


tombstone

4. Tombstone

There’s basically an unspoken rule when it comes to frozen pizza: if it’s under 5 dollars, you know what you’re getting yourself into. Tombstone is the best of those situations. It’s of the variety of frozen pizzas where so little time makes all the difference. Sometimes you’re left with terrible regret for waiting until the commercial break to go check the pizza again. You can go from a perfect, crispy crust to a pizza weirdly burned in just one spot and blackened cheese in what seems like seconds.


redbaronsingles

3. Red Baron Deep Dish Singles

I guess the world is fine with this being called deep dish so just accept that as our collective reality. This is for when you want to eat pizza AND have a reason to feel proud of yourself for only eating a baby bird’s serving size. Just when it gets going, it’s gone. It’s maybe not even that good? This might only be on the list because I’m still in the state of just being happy to be eating pizza by the time I’m done with it and that feeling lingers enough to confuse my judgment.


digiorno

2. DiGiorno

I know this is supposed to be about the pizza but DiGiorno sells combo boxes of pizza and cookies. What a fucking pro move. That definitely factors into this ranking because I’m not a perfect person. To me, this is better than super shitty delivery like Little Caeser’s/Pizza Hut/Domino’s. I try to stay away from the Rising Crust variety because that crust is a thousand Wookiees AKA too chewy. (I’M SO SORRY THAT BARELY EVEN HOLDS UP)


homeruninn

1. Home Run Inn

I cannot in good faith buy a frozen pizza over ten dollars and this one usually hits the nail right on the head. I will pay ten dollars for this pizza. It’s that good. It is better than Home Run Inn’s ACTUAL pizza. They should just serve the frozen pizzas in the restaurant as far as I’m concerned. Also, for some reason there has been a sharp decline in frozen pizzas with just sausage as a topping (or maybe it’s a regional difference). I didn’t even eat pepperoni before I moved to Los Angeles but there is such a dearth of just sausage pizza that I’ve given in to knuckleheads that sully sausage’s good name by also topping pizzas with other meats. I feel personally wronged and victimized.


Header Image by Rory Midhani
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Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 314 articles for us.

33 Comments

  1. Thumb up 3

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    I’mmma going to let you finish BUT NEW HAVEN has the best pizza in the country (the best pizza I had in the world was in Sweden, oddly enough, probably because I haven’t been to Italy yet and pre-Swedish-pizza buying I was half starved and hallucinating pizzas).

    Let the pizza wars begin.

    But for real, Home Run Inn? Never heard of it, will have to try on a lazy day.

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      I agree. I used to live across the street from a Greek pizza place and the smell alone would drive me out of my mind. As I walked home from Yale Medical School I’d try, desperately, to get to my apartment without stopping in and buying a small pizza to take home. Oh my god it was so good I could die right now from not having any!

      For home-eating here on the West Coast I like Amy’s organics, but it’s not so much pizza as it is food.

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    Pizza. Thats how you make Mondays better. Theres this pizza place in Manhattan Beach here in L.A called union pizza..and they have DEEEEP DISH pizza. Im not talking something that has a thick crust. Its like 2lbs of pizza because of the deepness. They even let you take it home ‘half cooked’ so you can make it fresh at home. That counts as frozen right

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    My parents live in the midwest and whenever I would visit the fridge used to be full of these $2 frozen pizzas from Hy-Vee. If you doctor it up with some seasonings and cheddar it’s worlds better than any of the local options. If they ever make a vegan option I’ll honestly die happy.

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    Oh man Newman’s Own is definitely a great frozen pizza. Sometimes $3 if it’s on sale. If I can get 3 Newman’s Own pizzas for under $10 it is a good day.

    Also anyone in Texas should 100% be eating Central Market’s frozen pizzas, those things are fucking amazing.

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    For some reason when I was a kid we usually had that Stouffer’s frozen “french bread pizza” that was really just a glorified baguette with tomato sauce and cheese so I’m not really sure that counts as pizza but it was awesome and crunchy and perfect anyway, so. Also it’s only like four dollars, so that’s always a win.

    Also the best pizza on the face of the earth is Frankie’s Pizza in Miami and you can actually order frozen half-baked Frankie’s pizza now and if I could order a lifetime supply, I would.

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    As an Italian, the idea of frozen pizza is ludicrous to me. Get some flour, yeast and olive oil and make your own! It tastes so much better, is far healthier and super cheap.

    Oh yeah, and it’s a great way to impress the ladies on a first date.

    ;-)

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