More Than L-Words: Top 10 Fake L-Word Episodes I Just Made Up

It’s been ten years since The L Word premiered, and we’ve got lots to talk about. Welcome to The L Word week!

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Is there an Emmy for Best Naming of Television Episodes? Did The L-Word’s writers win it every year? No? Why not?!? They accomplished a magnificent thing: living up to the series title without ever revealing what it *really* stood for, running rampant over other languages, and generally Livin’ La Vida Loca.

I only wish they could have done it for longer. In that spirit, I created this list of potential Lost Episodes, based off of L-words the series writers somehow overlooked. This is the way that we live and love and LGB Tease and L’Ennui and Lacrimos De Oro and Lexington & Concord and Lifecycle. And Lobsters. Special thanks to Intern Liz for the amazing pictures.

I KNOW SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT LOBSTERS... THEY START WITH L

I KNOW SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT LOBSTERS… THEY START WITH L

Top 10 Fake L-Word Episodes I Just Made Up

“Luddite”

The ladies embrace a new lifestyle — with mixed results. With the help of a megaphone, Alice is just loud enough to cover her regular broadcast area. Bette enjoys buying wooden baby toys for Angelica, but grows frustrated when her burlap power suit won’t hang right. Shane cuts hair with her teeth.


 

“Lululemon”

Dana accepts a sponsorship deal with a yoga apparel company — but when the deal comes with hot yoga classes taught by a hot hot yoga instructor, she starts suffering from a different kind of tension. Meanwhile, “You’re Looking Very Dana Today” billboards pop up all over the country, making Shane irrationally jealous. With Special Guest Star DeAnne Smith as the hot hot yoga instructor.

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“Lint Roller”

When a sexy new gallery assistant offers to de-fuzz her whole pantsuit, Bette finds herself in a sticky situation. After a fit of spring cleaning, Alice realizes she’s out of strap-ons and improvises with a 3M Scotch-Brite. Jenny gets a cat because she’s allergic.


 

“Lip Balm”

Slim Daddy returns and sweet-talks Kit into investing in his new lip balm venture, Lip-O-Suction. When it falls flat, the Planet is forced to downgrade from fair trade to instant coffee — and Kit is forced to downgrade from Angus to Chuck, a local ukulele player. The gang switches to a nearby Starbucks, where they compete to see who can seduce the most baristas.


 

“LinkedIn”

After Jodi sends a “connection request” to Bette, Alice realizes that LinkedIn is just a giant online Chart. Shane is upset to find that Papi has more Connections than her… and has been repeatedly Endorsed for cunnilingus. Max clicks on an invitation and gets a computer virus.


 

“Lingonberries”

The discovery that everyone is U-Hauling at the same time inspires a group trip to Ikea. Bette and Tina’s bickering inadvertently inspires a collapsible shelving unit called the BJËTTINÂ. Shane and Carmen try to have quickies on every bed in the store. But all hell really breaks loose when Jenny stages an impromptu performance art piece on top of a pallet mover.

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“Litter”

In a fit of rage, Jenny throws the negatives to Les Girls out her car window — along with Tasha’s court papers, all of Kit’s money, the deed to Bette and Tina’s house, and Shane’s little brother. When Max sets out to get everything back, he falls into a ravine.


 

“Leggo My Eggo (Pts 1, 2, and 3)”

An argument at brunch evolves into a syrup-fueled orgy that lasts for three episodes.


 

“Lent”

Embarrassed by their brunch behavior, the gang decides to observe Lent. Bette gives up yelling. Helena gives up blindfolded eBay bidding. Shane gives up pizza, but quickly switches to giving up ice cream, then chocolate, then refined carbs, then chewing gum. Jenny gives up circus-based fantasy sequences. Special Guest Star Ilene Chaiken gives up transphobia (but only for 40 days).


 

“LAX”

When Carmen heads to Autostraddle Camp, Shane follows, hoping to win her back during the Slam Poetry Workshop. But when the gang realizes the whole camp is made up of Shane’s exes, they speed to the airport to interrupt. On her way home, Shane runs into famous bassist Stef Schwartz (aka Gothip Girl), but is too shy to say hello. And it’s a close call for everyone when Dana’s ghost gets stuck in the turbine.

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Your turn. Have at it, you guys.

Avatar of Cara

Cara is a writing reading bicycling fiend and a lab mouse to the world. Sometimes she's also Hat Benatar. She lives in Jamaica Plain with five cool roommates and an ice cream machine, and is generally thinking about gender, words, sustainable biodiversity, and/or electric guitars. You can follow her on twitter @cjgiaimo if you want.

Cara has written 108 articles for us.

47 Comments

  1. Thumb up 18

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    “Liza-Cise”

    Alice drags the gang to the gym after her editor from LA Magazine tasks her with investigating the latest exercise craze, based on the dance moves of Liza Minnelli. Jenny excels at the Cabaret-based routines and uses the experience as inspiration to write a story about beached manatees in interbellum Berlin.

    Meanwhile, Shane scores a gig cutting actual Liza Minnelli’s hair, which inevitably ends with them sleeping together. A few days into their passionate relationship, Liza and Shane begin to merge. Concerned, the gang form a taskforce to extract Shane, successfully luring her away with a coterie of nubile straight girls, anonymous baby-dykes and Lover Cindy, all clad only in sweet little figs.

    Shane maintains a Liza haircut for the remainder of the season.

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    Last One In – Shane and Jenny decide to throw a brownie-fueled housewarming pool party. Naturally, shenanigans ensue.

    Late Than Never – the highly anticipated 2 hour epilogue, wherein all our questions are finally answered. ‘Cause come on, who DOESN’T need some closure after everything that series put us through?

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      Having only watched the last ep two days ago (due to my crippling inability to finish watching any TV series…the less said about heroes the better) the wound is so raw that the balm of late than never is all that could soothe it.

  3. Thumb up 28

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    i am truly honored.
    right after the “LAX” episode comes “Local Organic Pink Lady Apples,” in which shane and i collide once again in whole foods, ever awkwardly:

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    “Little Town of West Hollywood”
    Helena throws a holigay party fundraiser for Autostraddle. Shane brings figgy pudding and a replica of Cherie Jaffe’s mansion that she made out of gingerbread. Alice and Dana get into a whipped cream fight while making hot cocoa. Bette and Tina leave after deciding that the party’s holiday-themed arts and crafts aren’t artistically stimulating enough for Angelica.

    Jenny has sex against a narwhal tank.

  5. Thumb up 4

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    Dude the Ikea thing! You can already imagine Bette and Tina arguing. LOL.

    “LOL”- The whole gang decides that ‘going green’ is a time to make some party brownies and rice krispies. They then go out on town and realize everything is super weird. Better realizes that the dancing bear on Hollywood Blvd is a real bear while Tina decides to get the statue of the Tin Man to move. Shane and Carmen disappear into the Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum while Jenny decides to replace an actress’s Hall of Fame star with her own.

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