• ThumbnailWE’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS THING! Now it’s here, it’s right here in our hands and it’s in the Autostraddle Store for your hearts so now it’s real, it’s a real thing that’s happening and you […]

    • oh wow oh wow oh wow I am so excited to hold your words, pics and triumphant Shane collage in my actual hands.

    • I want to buy a million copies of this and give it to all newbies as a welcome to the family gift.

    • I can’t wait to own this and have it on display in my room after I read it probably 15 times.

      Also, just clicked the link to the store and there are so many new fancy things in there – HELLO holiday shopping :)


    • You had me at “really triumphant Shane collage.”

    • YES. Yes yes yes.

    • That was maybe the quickest I ever jumped to buy something?
      ALSO those black hot shorts.

    • stoked!

    • Well, you`ve got me instantly, happy Christmas to me. :-)

    • I need this, I love this, I’m so happy this exists. AND it’s SO beautiful. I want to caress those drop-caps. That Q! Those small caps!

    • As possibly the 2nd, 3rd or 15th person to read this who wasn’t involved in the actual writing of it, it’s amazing. you will not be disappointed.

    • This is worth buying a bookstand and displaying in my room. Then I will bring it to camp and ask everyone to sign it.

    • holy holy holy fuck

    • This is such a necessary and beautiful zine! Is there a way that we can purchase these in bulk so I can hide one in every Francesca Lia Block book in America? (or whatever middle school girls secretly read in libraries these days)

      Anyway, I’ll take a million.

      • YES

        I seriously debated about buying one for our school library. Riese/contributors, could you please comment about whether it would be suitable?

        • Ellaria, there are mentions of sex and one sketch of boobs floating around. That being said, I think it’s an appropriate read for middle and high school students, especially as personal gifts. But, you know, parents can be crazy about accepting that youth are sexual beings and needs resources, so I would just think about where you live and whether…[Read more]

    • This looks excellent. I assume this will be replacing the toaster as our go-to welcome gift for newly out gays?

    • I can’t decide if I want to buy this for myself or buy it for my sister and then force her to lend it to me if no one else gets it for me. Either way, I need to have it in my hands.


  • ThumbnailLetter From Your Editors

    It is the season of thanks and guess what we’re thankful for: YOU. Also, a few other things, as pictured:

    The holidays are busy and intense around here: we’re making […]

    • I think Heather’s third hand is my favorite thing about this issue.

      Wait second favorite, because Club Drizzy, because Carmen with a pizza. Obv.

    • How did I miss Bearnicorn having personalized Bearnicorn underwear??

      • How did you? I’m very thankful this picture surfaced in a safe space.

        • I mean, I suppose it’s pretty normal news that I haven’t seen folks’ underwear, but that was awesome underwear. When me and Susiroo go to may camp, we’re requesting you, so we don’t miss out on important events like this(even if you can’t make it, we’re making a statement)

          • I made that underwear at camp 4.0! I love that this photo is followed by the discussion of the “what undies have your name written all over them” quiz item.
            I hope Bearfriend and I can come to camp! (Related: Nobody show her this picture ever, please.)




      I’d recommend someone photoshop a tiny scissoring sweatshirt onto it but that might be taking it a little too far.

    • New goal: Drop Autostraddle Team sweet little nothing notes.

    • gushers are really great

    • I kind of love that the absurd crap I spout on Slack occasionally ends up in being read. Also, honored that my essay about trans people being dehumanized by the media made the “we can’t believe you didn’t read this” list!

    • Heather, don’t give up hope on inching closer to Samira Wiley! An Autostraddle interview with Samira is second on my “Autostraddle Most Wanted List”- right after you working here. And we all see how that worked out!

      Dreams come true, when you believe!

      (Yall I believe, deep in my heart, that Samira reads Autostraddle. At least…[Read more]

      • In my head there’s at least 7 famous people on Autostraddle with A+ memberships but because they are professionals, The Team is sworn to secrecy.

      • I feel like you can tell if a queer girl reads Autostraddle. Like, one of my co-workers (who I knew was queer) just gave me that vibe so I brought up AS in conversation once and I was right. It’s like next level gaydar.

        Point being, I think Samira Wiley has read AS.

    • “Interview with my Not-Ex-Girlfriend” please

    • I love everything about this post (well, everything except for Heather getting punched…).

      Also I hope y’all called the phone number from that email and helped out the nice lady with her need to “buy toy sex”

    • Nothing I said made it into the Insider this month and I feel like I have FAILED YOU ALL. Gonna go practice my offbeat jokes now.

    • I want need club drizzy to be a real thing so that I can go there to drink wine and eat pizza and make “all these ghosts and you still couldn’t be my boo” jokes.

      Next week I photoshop the entry id card, which will be our profiles looking dope in front of the bluest clouds.

    • Okay, that sweatshirt just made my day. It is the best thing ever. I can’t stop talking about it. Well, it’s only been a minute since I knew it was a thing, but I haven’t stopped talking about it yet. See scissoring sweatshirt inspired conversation below. Or don’t. It’s really long. I’ll sum it up for you in one word, YAY!

      Me: it’s going to be…[Read more]

      • so are we going to get a picture of the scissoring sweatshirt with the black leggings or what #holigaycheer


        I really need to see pictures of your Mom & You wearing matching jumpers #AutostraddleMoms

      • this is my favorite play ever
        better than Our Town!

    • That scissoring sweatshirt will go great with my alternative lifestyle haircut. Aka want. Yes. So buying.

    • AHHH AHHH so much good stuff I don’t even know what my favorite part was I just found myself frequently rocking back and forth snapping because it’s all relatable and humorous I love it. Also I am glad you appreciated the manatees.

    • Also I took that cliché lesbian quiz and I got The Stud which is the most hilarious thing

    • The Insider is maybe the best part about A+. I love them all.

    • I really want to know what preferring riese’s butt means algorithmically speaking…

      also,heather? I can’t believe you got punched!!! that is terrible and I can’t get over that story and I hope you are feeling better and I hope that racist asshole had to pay for all of your pain meds and milkshakes and alcohol and also everything else you may…[Read more]

    • OMFG that scissoring shirt. Can’t wait to throw some money at it.

    • I don’t even use emoji really (my phone is super old and low-tech), so I am frequently confused by them. None of them confuse me more than the one featured in this article…

    • I’m honestly kinda hoping that Samira Wiley has a secret/anonymous Autostraddle account and that she’ll just drop in on us one day like the second coming of Lesbian Jesus.

    • The lab I work in uses Slack and my labmate went through and made like 7 custom emojis of different My Little Ponies. You guys are way cooler, I should quit grad school and work for lesbian media instead.

    • $7/month for a 40-member team is $280/month.

      Hmmmm…. ;)

    • The Insider is definitely my favorite part of A+. Like if this was all I got (and tbh it’s often the only post I have time to read) I’d feel like I got my money’s worth.

    • if that scissoring sweatshirt doesn’t fix my current woeful femme invisibility i might just pack up and quit.

      in other words, i am super excited to wear it and make eyes at ALL the ladies.

    • Well, I’m glad we cleared up the question of what kind of hideous monster would punch the ever delightful Heather Hogan in her sunshiney face: a drunk racist monster. Jeez.

  • HELLO and welcome to the 154th installment of Things I Read That I Love, wherein I share with you some of the longer-form journalism/essays I’ve read recently so that you can read them too and we can all know more […]

  • ThumbnailWelcome to the ninth recap of the second season of Faking It, a show about zucchini and all the fun things you can do with zucchini! Faking It comes to you from the same network that brought you my favorite […]

    • “Seriously that alone would be a huge red flag for me — I wouldn’t go near that girl with a ten-foot pole if she reacted to arguments between us by breaking my trust and publicly humiliating me, even if I was the one who fucked up. I’d never trust her again, you know?”

      For once, I completely agree with you. Can I hope in 210 that after her…[Read more]

      • To be fair to Karma, at this point she’s convinced herself that Liam emotionally manipulated her best friend into sex, making him a half step above a rapist.

        • To be fair? How does one get to that point? She has absolutely no grounds for it and her own friend has confessed otherwise. I can’t imagine a world where every time I found out something unsavory about my partners sexual activity, I assumed it was assault!

          Also the proper response to thinking your friend might have been sexually assaulted is…[Read more]

          • Yeah, I totally agree. I can understand that Karma would want to rationalize it as “Amy must’ve been too drunk to say no!” but it’s pretty gross that she would project that onto Amy and then act like a terrible human being in response. Good thing Amy finally at the end decided to not let her best friend assume her (ex)boyfriend raped her because…[Read more]

            • Yeah – the whole thing was a bit off. I remember the creators talking about how the characters are all good people who are just making mistakes, but pushing it into the rape space was ick.

              I think they just really wanted to show that Karma couldn’t even fathom that Amy would hurt her in that way, but where they had to take it to make that point…[Read more]

    • I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this previously but Lauren’s friend, Lisbeth?, looks exactly like Lori Beth Denberg from Nickelodeon’s heyday shows All That and Figure It Out.
      I just wanted to mention that because it’s been weighing on my mind since April, or whenever it was this premiered.

    • Riese, that prediction sounds pretty good to me, especially about the unsatisfying Reagan content. I’d just add that I think something nasty might go down either between Shane and Lauren, or about Duke/Theo given they are both feeling slighted.

      Mainly though, I’m looking forward to Amy’s red plaid pants.

    • I can’t wait till it comes out that Theo is a soldier who is part of a secret government anti-demon task force called The Initiative.

    • Riese, one thing you forgot that has to come up next episode, since it’s the last chance, is the “woah” “I know” moment. After Amy and Karma’s fight in jail are they going to make up and make out?

      • Do you think it will come up, though? Amy asked Karma about it in the Season One finale, I feel like that’s been laid to rest. Although Karma sure does love to hate Liam.

    • This episode is what we’ve all been waiting for, first Amy get’s some hot lesbian sex – presumably, sadly we only get to see the morning aftermath where they wake up almost fully clothed but filled with innuendo – then Karma reacts to the knowledge that her bestfriend and her boyfriend have bumped the uglies.

      Liam, Liam, Liam, I talk alot of…[Read more]

      • “)Sit there with a guilty face while she assumes the worst, text harass her, and then dramatically yell in front of multiple people that it’s not fair that she’s only mad at him because “We were both angry and trying to HURT YOU””

        YES! Plus, it’s not even true — if they were trying to hurt Karma, why did they decide not to tell Karma? That…[Read more]

      • Omg, YES at Liam’s poor communication skills. I was reading your comment about options a) and b) and giggling. He seems like his heart might be in the right place (?), but he’s such a blockhead.

    • Can I just say that I died at the part where Amy said that Liam was “what, a werewolf?”. Never forget that Gregg Sulkin played Selena Gomez’s werewolf boyfriend on Wizards of Waverly Place. Way to throw that in there, Faking It writers.

      Also, TOTALLY agree with your predictions on Theo pulling a 21 Jump Street. Remember when Lauren walked up to…[Read more]

    • I, too, have been thinking about what could Theo’s secret be. My worry with the possible 21 Jump Street thing tho is, does he have real feelings for Lauren? Because srsly I absolutely love Lauren now and will be sad if otherwise (I watched all of the episodes of the short-lived series called Bunheads because of her!) Amy + Reagan’s *the* morning…[Read more]

      • Bunheads was an amazing show gone too soon. I actually had the opposite experience where one of the reasons I started watching Faking It was because I loved Bailey Buntain (Lauren) as Ginny so much. The ending of bunheads on her face was criminal without any closure.

        • I didn’t know Bunheads existed until I read Bailey’s wiki page haha and I’m so glad I watched it! Yep, amazing show gone too soon indeed! That and Emily Owens MD are just a few of the shows I absolutely love(d) but apparently the feeling is not mutual with the networks (boooo!)

      • I think he has genuine feelings for Lauren, definitely! I mean if he wanted to date someone just to find out who the drug dealer is, then he’d be dating Brandy, not Lauren… I think he’s been hesitant to invest with Lauren though ’cause he knows his secret will be revealed soon and she’ll feel wronged by it. (and thanks!!)

    • Ugggh, Karma does not have the right to be as pissy as the show is letting her be. She emotionally fucked with Amy and Liam in the first place. What a surprise that they would seek solace in each other when they were both really upset by some dumb shit Karma did.

      I find this plot very contrived. Yeah, Amy and Liam wouldn’t want Karma to find…[Read more]

    • Can we all take a moment to address the fact that Liam on the Time cover looks a lot like Eric Matthews from “Boy Meets World.” I’d like Liam a lot more if he started saying “Fee-hee-hee-hee-hee-ny.”

    • I’m a little mad because of this “we did this to hurt Karma” plotline. When Amy and Liam got together I didn’t read it like that at all, for me they were two teenagers being like “fuck it” but not in a let’s hurt our best friend/ love interest kind of way.

      A little off-topic: I had to google Choco taco, and since I live in Tacoland now I feel…[Read more]

      • yeah, that feels like an idea that appeared for the first time in this episode and it didn’t make any sense. like it was so non-sensical that i just skipped over it in my brain and was like, ‘maybe liam is bad with words?’ b/c as i said upthread, if the point is to upset a person, then wouldn’t you want that person to know? it doesn’t make any sense!

      • Yeah….for me it’s like “the world does not revolve around you, Karma” hehehe #kindaharsh #justmyhonestopinion

    • lol times 1,000. Also I feel like Liam is a bit of a dick being so keen to take Amy down with him. I reckon an actively good person might be willing to take more of the blame and limit the damage from their shitty choices? Rather than going for total honesty and maximum shitstorm?

  • My relationship with the dELiA*s catalog was far more intimate than my relationship with its products, which my mother deemed overpriced and impractical and therefore rarely permitted me to purchase. My friends […]

    • deLIa*s!

      Cue flashbacks to middle school. Did anyone else have the purple pajamas with white snowflakes on them? Or am I the only one?

      So many feels. Such nostalgia.

      • i WISH i had the purple pajamas with white snowflakes on them

      • I never thought I’d be nostalgic for MIDDLE SCHOOL, because -real talk- it was not an entirely positive experience.

    • “Change a thing. Rock the boat.” That’s some great advice, clothing catalog, thanks! CHANGE A THING!

      (also having some serious flashbacks right now – I was all about cargo shorts/pants back then…sometimes still am–they’re just so functional!)

    • this will surprise no one, but i owned that union jack tank top and often rebelliously wore it on the 4th of july.

    • MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH I definitely had that issue of the Delia’s catalog. My favorite purchases in high school were my yakpak and platform boots, and a red and black plaid purse I just retired last year, after 15+ years of serving me well. Rest in peace, D. Rest in peace.

    • “PMSing dyke on her way to the top” is going on my business card now.

    • SMELL THIS! I LOVED those! I totally still have a tin kicking around somewhere with vanilla, iced tea, clean laundry, uh…a green one that was maybe apple?, and (my favourite) ice cream float. I was big on spritzy stuff in my tweens and early teens. Bottled Emotion by Bonne Bell, anyone? Can I get a “hell yeah”?

    • OMG. I wanted to be all of the girls from the dELiA’s catalogs when I was in middle school. My mom never bought me anything from them, but I thought they were the coolest, especially since that’s the first place pre-Internet me ever saw a Sailor Moon t-shirt for sale. I’m sure I paged through this exact catalog repeatedly, because the shirt on…[Read more]

    • 90% of my middle school wardrobe. I wore All the Delia’s. Lol

    • Oh I definitely wanted many things from the dELiA*s catalogue when I was a teenager. I still want some of those things.

      The giant ass pants though… yussssssssssss

    • Jess replied 1 week ago

      1) Oh Christ I think I found my tomboy femme root. 12-year old me was terrified of the Delia’s catalog girls but now-me wants to date them all (AS 30-YEAR OLDS) (but maybe still wearing clothes that were both clingy and aggressive and sporty and irreverent).
      2) My sisters and I would draw the EXACT SAME COMMENTARY but with the tiny “more sizes”…[Read more]

      • Riese replied 1 week ago

        delia’s had a really serious Sporty Spice aesthetic (re: tomboy femmeness)

    • Yo I cracked up so hard with that little graphic indicating where the excess fabric should be located… that said, I would rock those long-ass low-rises right meow.

    • Daphne replied 1 week ago

      I was *intimately* familiar with every page of this because if I had studied anything as hard as I studied these catalogs as a preteen, I would be living some kind of genius life right now instead of lazing around on the internet. I’m sure I never got to order anything, even, but the Delia’s catalog was the furnace in which all my young consumer…[Read more]

    • I used to be obsessed with this magazine, and of course was also never allowed to buy anything from it! My 3rd grade teacher’s daughter modeled for dELiA*s for a year or something, and I thought she was the coolest person in the entire world. Aaaaaaaand now I’m lost in the internet trying to see what she’s been up to since 1994.

    • JP replied 1 week ago

      Did anyone else get these in the mail without even signing up for them?

      • cb replied 1 week ago

        I thought that’s how they worked for everyone. that one day they just magically started arriving.

        • totally imagined owls dropping off these catalogs to teenage girls in the 90’s, all across America.

      • Riese replied 1 week ago

        I’d always suspected that they bought mailing lists from other teen-oriented companies and that I started getting delia*s catalogs because I subscribed to Seventeen magazine

        • Yeah, that makes sense and I thought of this as well, but I wasn’t subscribed to anything in my teens. So, hmmmm….

    • That catalog made me smile. “I think I’m a fucking garden!” And I would’ve loved those flower pants too!

      My clothing as a kid was comprised of 50% cheap thrift store stuff, 30% free tee-shirts from church events, and 20% expensive, high-quality outdoor gear. Sadly, I never really developed much of a sense of fashion. I remember the time I was…[Read more]

      • sb2178 replied 1 week ago

        that is my current clothing collection if you replace church t-shirts with college t-shirts and add an interview suit and a conference’s worth of adult clothing in nice wool fabric.

        • My church-event t-shirts were later replaced with college-event shirts when I got older. :) The interview suit is very useful, and my lack of professional clothing induced panic when I had my first job interview out of college.

    • Most of my solid color long-sleeved tees are Delia’s brand to this day. I also have about four basic wool sweaters from Delia’s. All of these are in good condition still and I am not a laundry wizard. I am 27, and definitely haven’t bought anything from there since I was 14.

    • Board shorts tho…

    • Hold up. Do I spy a young January Jones waiting for her prince charming in a red and white gingham bucket hat?

    • Wait. AND Krysten Ritter??

  • Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

    Dear Riese (and team),

    I started dating my (transmasculine) boyfriend over the summer. In 1999 (when he […]

    • Wonderful advice and thoughts, Riese. This particularly resonated:

      “One of the hardest parts of grief is how awkward people get when the dead person comes up. All I want is to be able to tell the same childhood stories about my Dad as they can tell about their Dads even though mine is dead now and their’s isn’t. I want to be able to honor him…[Read more]

      • That whole paragraph really hit home for me.

        • This. This. This. I kind of feel like people are scared that someone can feel happy thoughts about someone who is no longer here. I prefer to remember the joyous, happy, and alive days with my mom rather than the fact that she’s no longer here.

          Let us remember and be happy just like you can remember and be happy. Our memories are the same, the…[Read more]

    • Really great advice, Riese! I feel like the question-asker is an amazing human being just for asking for some insight. If you’re out there, question-asker-person, I’m sending you and your partner lots of virtual vegan (or non-vegan) banana bread love.

    • I luckily have very little experience with grief. But I did find myself thinking about coping with partners who become depressed/withdrawn/what have you during the holidays… Both of my serious relationships (a 3 year long one, and my current which has lasted over a year) have been with people who simply loath the holidays, as well as their…[Read more]

      • Definitely a lot of similar experiences to that! Being with someone who gets withdrawn a fair bit, especially around the holidays/around issues of grief is tricky.

        What’s worked for us is to take pretty autonomous approaches to the holidays overall. I put up a tree, get into pumkin-flavored things and put some Christmas-without-Christ carols…[Read more]

    • One of the things I feel on the Bad Anniversaries is a complete inability to verbalize what I need. Equally difficult is anticipating what I will need beforehand, making it hard to let my girlfriend know ahead of time what I will want her to do (if anything).

      I think part of it may be being receptive to the theme that runs through some of the…[Read more]

    • This is a great response, but I’m wondering if some of his withdrawal could also be seasonal depression/SAD?

    • Super insightful advice, Riese. For whatever it’s worth, I once had a girlfriend who had been through a lot of pain in her family life and had a lot of walls, and kept that stuff really inward. I often played the Cool Girlfriend Who Lets Her Girl Brood, and while I think that was what was needed at first to help her relax and trust me, I probably…[Read more]

    • Considering their mood is seasonal only, sounds like they mostly just have Seasonal Affect Disorder, but their are blaming it on grief because lots of people dont know that SAD is a real mental disorder. Humans are great for creating connections where they are either not there or not as important as they think they are. Give them some vitamin D.…[Read more]

      • That’s assuming you are in the Northern Hemisphere or are someone who gets SAD in summer, of course!

        I say this because I always associated SAD with Christmas but that’s not so much the case when you live somewhere where Christmas is associated with the beach. Took me ages to notice I always got worse in July!

    • I lost a very important “father figure” on December 17th 2012, I think my best advice is to be comfortable with awkwardness. I met a friend for coffee, a friend who had never met the person I lost and started with “this is going to be awkward” because big feelings about death and grief and loss often are. You don’t have to be perfect, but it means…[Read more]

    • i could really use some practical advice. i just found out my grandfather died, and i’m worried about my grandmother. i’m close to her, but i didn’t know him very well. she’s 91 and the closest family is hours away. i’m estranged from everyone in my family except her, so asking my family members for advice is out.

      i am sending a care package…[Read more]

      • First off, I think you’re doing a lovely thing for your grandma!

        In my experience, people can react very differently to loss. I’ve seen people not want to talk about it at all, and I’ve seen people want to talk about it a lot. So go with your gut. Maybe pick up the phone and have a chat (if you haven’t already).

        If you do send…[Read more]

      • On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross is also a good book to consider, depending on your Grandma’s willingness to read non-fiction vs memoir. My Grandma was more keen on distractions and she doesn’t have the greatest reading skills, so I gave her four seasons of Reba. Chats on the phone are also good ways to keep her from feeling lonely.

    • So, unfortunately, this is an area in which I have some experience. None of the people I’ve dated have lost a parent (or other close family member), but my three best friends from high school, including by bff, have all had a parent die at some point in the last decade, as well as some more recent friends.

      They all process and deal with…[Read more]

    • I like this. I like all of this. My partner is a super-introvert type and when he has sad stuff going on, I favor the reminder-release method. I give him a hug or kiss, and then I give him space. I clean the kitchen or work on my own stuff. Sometimes he tells me a story from childhood, and I listen, or sometimes he goes back to normal,…[Read more]

  • HELLO and welcome to the 88th installment of Things I Read That I Love, wherein I share with you some of the longer-form journalism/essays I’ve read recently so that you can read them too and we can all know more […]

    • I’m disappointed in The Indictment of Jimmy’s World.

      It focuses on such an interesting event however it’s just not that well written. I found the overall structure of the article weak, and towards the end distracting. Such a pity.

      • It wasn’t actually intended to be a work of journalism, just a clear and complete summary of events from their ombudsman, who’s basically hired to provide objective feedback to a newspaper, so that might be why?

    • AAAH I just read that essay about Kathy Acker last weekend and it motivated me to go buy a book of hers that same day. Neither of the bookstores I went to had any Acker in stock though … BUT TO CUT TO THE CHASE I just picked up a copy of Blood and Guys in High School. it is strange _like woah_ but I’m fascinated

      • i find her work so great but also SO WEIRD!! like i LOVE bits of it but honestly i have read like half of three of her books and never actually completed one in its entirety. a lot of it is just too esoteric from me.

    • i wonder whatever happened to janet cook, because without a doubt she is/was talented. how can people trust you when its public knowledge that you can lie so well? also first time I’ve ever heard of an ombudsman,.., wonderful articles riese!

    • the Healthcare one makes me sooo mad…

    • the one about the town in NC was really interesting, especially since i looked it up and realized it’s only an hour away from where i live–it’s crazy to think about that kind of thing, especially so close. i also read the one about the daughter of the happy face killer; didn’t know much about him before, i liked learning about it from her…[Read more]

  • ThumbnailHello and welcome to the thirteenth episode of the second season of Orange is the New Black, a show about reckless drivers and how frustrating it is to lose all your drugs! This is the series finale of this fine […]

    • “Watson and Black Cindy finger Suzanne, as instructed, but they don’t seem happy about it.”

      BAHAHAHAHAHA. I am a child.

    • Okay serious comment about the Fig scene: I know we’re supposed to be like YAY CAPUTO YOU COERCED A WOMAN INTO AN UNWANTED SEXUAL ACT WITH YOU but I have a huge problem with that scene. It just made me really uncomfortable- anyone else?

      • No, I completely agree. That whole thing made me extremely uneasy.

      • You’re not alone, that scene really bothered me too.

      • Fig makes my skin crawl, but Caputo *blackmails* her into giving him a blow job. That’s indisputably a sexual assault scene — and an incredibly graphic one, at that. Can we recognize this scene as an opportunity to unpack how rape & the threat of rape are used to punish and control women (even evil women characters)? I want to see Fig get her…[Read more]

        • Yeah, that was defiantly blackmail and assault. Caputo knew that she was only making the offer in exchange for his silence.

      • That scene upsets me a lot too. I get a really gross message out of it; a woman in power can be easily degraded into a (rightful?) position that makes her submissive to a man. Caputo gets to show he has all the power by sexually humiliating Fig. I have trouble with this whole situation.

        Now, I’m sure that Caputo won’t be able to handle the…[Read more]

        • Also think it is especially unsettling not only because the direction does seem to see it as a moment of celebration for Caputo rather than further making him out to be disgusting, but it also means that all of Figs major humiliations are sexual in nature. She gets off for embezzlement and looks like she will continue to play the dutiful wife role…[Read more]

      • I was so unbelievably uncomfortable with it. I scrolled through the comments specifically to see if anyone else was. I mean, she was awful, but she was so ridiculously vulnerable in that moment and he took advantage of that and then laughed at her despair. Plus, consensual sex is all about consent and she while she may have consented to a sex act…[Read more]

      • Yeah I really hate feeling like me as the viewer is complicit in this. I felt like they were trying to manipulate us into rooting for Caputo in this moment.

    • Man, can we do series where we replace mark wahlberg’s face with our queer fan girl idols? Or just get Soso a nice button down?

    • Is that an Empire Records reference in an OITNB recap? I’m not sure my brain is able to process that much joy!

    • I loved Red and Sister Ingalls this episode, with their sex talk and sandwich toasting. That was a great thing to see on TV.

      Also, I really want to see more of Maria and Yadriel and their baby next season. Their scene in this episode was beautiful.

    • This season had some things that worked for me, most of all being the show finally wising up (as Pretty Little Liars never has with Ezra) to the fact that Bennett is an abusive asshole. I really enjoyed the way his portrayal this season (threatening some of the incarcerated women, tearing the bunks apart, etc.) gave some perspective on the ways…[Read more]

      • I don’t think Morello is supposed to be in for attempted murder given the length of her sentence and that it is minimum security, especially as it involved an attempt at a bomb. I think she may be doing these 3 years for the mail fraud. In some minimum security prisons inmates do do a lot of work, so her being allowed to drive while supervised if…[Read more]

        • uugggh, *Morello, I fail at getting characters’ names right even when they are right in front of me. I like the suggestion you make about having someone comment on her presence but the Phillip Morris representative brought in as a special guest. And people like Vee do exist – it’s less the presence of her character that I have a problem with and…[Read more]

          • I get the impression Miss Claudette was in max security for a number of years and got down graded to minimum for good behaviour, so maybe not quite the same as Morello being allowed to drive?

            It’s been a while since I watched it now and I can’t remember the finer details so well.

    • This final episode was everything.

    • 1. I still think Soso’s backstory is going to be Morello-level out of left field.
      2. I have always thought of Maria’s Silent Partner as one of my favorite characters. I mean, they are shown as the most faithful visitor, and they’re obviously a good listener. Also, I think the actor really showed their chops when they first found out about the…[Read more]

      • I agree I think that Soso is hiding something and I really enjoy Maria and her boyfriend Yadriel’s relationship. I just hope next season we get to see more of the Hispanic women’s backstories. I’d love to know how Maritza and Flaca met or just more of them in general ( which is partially due to my huge crush on Diane Guerrero)or more moments with…[Read more]

    • can we talk about how good soso looks in that tie though

      like damn

      good work, whoever made that happen

    • Loved this episode! The season as a whole wasn’t as good as season one for me mostly due to the lack of Alex and the Alex/Piper relationship which was what really kept me glued to the screen in the first season. So I was thrilled to see Alex will be back on her way to jail for season 3 and the visiting scene was absolutely heartwrenching. I think…[Read more]

    • You know Piper trying to sabotage Alex’s probation reminds me of when Miss Claudette stopped Trisha from planting drugs in Mercy’s cell. I will say one critique I have of this season is that I wish that there was a bit more foreshadowing in season one about Vee’s role. Maybe I’m being a bit nitpicky but certain things felt a bit rushed like “bam…[Read more]

  • ThumbnailWelcome to the eighth recap of the second season of Faking It, a patriotic musical revue from the same network that brought you Doggy Fizzle Televizzle. This recap would’ve been up earlier, but Comcast decided it […]

    • I find it 100% unnecessary to actually watch these episodes because these recaps are so great. <3 you Mom.

      • I will never have to waste time watching television again because Riese watches it for us twice with added commentary and I honestly prefer it

    • I feel like these last episodes have given me so much anxiety because they both seemed like the episode that Reagan gives up in frustration and dumps Amy…and then I can’t talk about how hot she is during commercial breaks anymore.

    • Theory: Karma just realized she has feelings for Amy, and in the preview where it looks like she’s going to punch Amy she actually kisses her. I’m not rooting for these crazy kids (anymore!), but I do think this mess is going to be what gets between Amy and Reagan (again..) because MTV can’t just let us (or Karmiam or Amygan) live and be happy!

    • I hate to be the kill joy Reagan, but I don’t think most people actually admit their “phase” until they’re through enjoying it. Just saying…

      I’m loving Shane and Duke. I wonder how far they’ll let Duke push Shane before Shane is done with him or if this episode was it?

      Lauren is slowly growing on me as not the worse person of all time.…[Read more]

    • Parents are humans . They are flawed, imperfect, and insecure about themselves and their offspring. This episode examines how the insecurities and priorities of their parents affect the teenagers of Faking It.

      Lauren, tonight’s MVP, gets the most character development as she realizes that her insecurities about her femininity are passed down…[Read more]

      • I love reading your Faking It reviews on AV Club, glad to see this pop up here too!

        • Oh my gosh, thanks! This is my first time commenting for Autostraddle after lurking for a few months, since it’s nice to see a familiar web face!

      • I detest the fact I can only give this beautiful comment only one thumbs up. For it deserves all of the thumbs.

      • It took this beautiful comment for me to see that everyone’s story related to parental expectations. Wow.

    • I’m still trying to work out how that statistic you dropped in an earlier recap, about most queer women on TV being bisexual, works when ALL THESE TV SHOWS ARE ALLERGIC TO THE WORD ‘BISEXUAL’.

      • In their defense, the ex Regan is talking about didn’t identify herself as bisexual; it’s not unusual for teen girls to have experimental sexual relationships with other girls and then decide it was a phase. Many queer girls, bisexuals included, get their hearts broken that way.

    • I find it fascinating that the Ashcroft’s parenting has resulted in two children who think it doesn’t matter if they’re good people as long as they look like good people.

      • I knooow! I think there’s definitely something very interesting and deep that we could analyze about the Ashcroft’s parenting.

    • @Sophie
      “I’m still trying to work out how that statistic you dropped in an earlier recap, about most queer women on TV being bisexual, works when ALL THESE TV SHOWS ARE ALLERGIC TO THE WORD ‘BISEXUAL’.”

      First of all, that GLAAD report only cared about how the characters have been named as. And even that showed that bisexual female characters…[Read more]

    • I absolutely loved Lauren in this episode! That speech in the Q&A was A+++! And I thought she was going to come out to Theo already, I actually said out loud “come on just say it!” and was disappointed that the scene had to cut.
      And I really like Amy + Reagan together. And Reagan’s hair. Yeah I like Reagan.
      Personally, I think that Karma is just…[Read more]

    • Best episode in a while for sure. The show would be so much better without Karma and Liam.

    • “I think Reagan’s ex is Jessie J”.


    • I only regret that I cannot make a “lauren throwing her boobs” emoji


    • also, I showed audrey the andrea gibson caption series and she fell over, so good job everyone

    • I don’t even watch this show, I just read the recaps. And I assume they are better then actually watching the show.

      • Me too! These recaps make me laugh so hard.

      • I would say youtube the Reagan & Amy scenes as well as reading the recaps. The photos do not do those scenes justice.

    • That Andrea Gibson caption series was tone perfect, I actually read it in their voices.

    • Is this my fault?

    • I’m just sorry they skipped those first awkward and cute get-to-know-you-dates that Reagan and Amy must’ve had. It’s part of the best parts of it all!

      I mean, this episode ended with them ready to do the nasty! It must’ve been a cute trippy walk towards there :)

    • Lauren just becomes my favorite character each and every episode and I didn’t like how they just cut the seen where she was about to tell Theo her big secret.

    • i just really want to know what is going to happen neeeeeeext. also i actually really like liam and amy’s weirdo friendship.

      • Ditto. I kind of think Liam and Reagan would good friends too. They seem like bro material.

        I’m a lesbian with a lot of dude friends and I’d really like to see that relationship explored more on TV, especially when the “lesbian” doesn’t have be secretly sexually attracted to her friend or uber butch for it to happen. That ship has sailed for…[Read more]

    • Can we take a moment to acknowledge the fact that Karma’s brother is named Zen? Thank you.

    • I’m oddly excited for the next episode? I am all about strong emotions that are atypical for the character expressing them. For all that Karma is, she’s really not an angry person.

      (At least in my opinion she isn’t. Though I really should watch the show instead of just reading these recaps. *sheepish grin*)

    • I’m not a fan of Reagan. She could be a great character but I’m just not into the actress, she feels kind of flat and boring to me a la Kennedy from BTVS.

      Just me?

  • ThumbnailToday is our dear Music Editor Stef’s 31st birthday! This is a really exciting occasion because if there’s anything that makes you feel better about where you are in life than turning 30, it’s turning 31. Trust […]

  • Lesbian bars: the first place you found community, the first place you found hostility. They play that song you love and then they play that song you hate. They have the best bartenders and the worst bartenders, […]

    • I want to be friends with the people that wrote these reviews.

    • Rie replied 2 weeks ago

      I’m pretty sure that 19 and 27 are in NYC, because a friend quipped that likely-27 is “full of butches and sadness.”

      Not that either are a bad thing on their own, but it’s a really morose bar.

    • OMG RIESE YOU SLAY ME!!! I love you.

      Some of these are pure poetry.

      And can we talk about that bitch Nicole and her thieving family?

      • Riese replied 2 weeks ago


      • Nat replied 2 weeks ago

        Michele and Nicole = in cahoots clearly

    • Tango replied 2 weeks ago

      I first lost it at Edgar Allen Poe comment, but then literally laugh-spit coffee on my gf at Radclyffe Hall. XD

      • Tango replied 2 weeks ago

        also, yes, i commonly react to depressing things with laughter–how else will we keep going?

    • Gabe replied 2 weeks ago


    • Number 25 REALLY wanted to sing

    • Rey replied 2 weeks ago

      i think i ruptured some organs laughing. worth it.

    • Autostraddle field trip?

    • You guys. I never meant for my Yelp! Reviews to be featured.

      • Im kidding. I only wish I was as cool as these humans.

      • Al replied 2 weeks ago

        Well #15 is Truck Stop review so how sure are we that wasn’t you.

        • LOLLLLL But wait. I didnt even know that was TruckStop. How do YOU know its TruckStop? I see you Al. I see you. =p

          • Al replied 2 weeks ago

            I was curious and copy and pasted the comment in google. First result was this page, second was the yelp page for Here Lounge Truck stop. It’s not that hard. And it kind of makes sense as I was told truck stop can get a bit MTV trashy from friends. *waves hand hi*

    • So many gems. Where do I even start? I think 15 and 18 are my favorites but 21 is absolutely hilarious. Did she think was going to a sports bar? Besides not everyone cares about basketball regardless of who’s actually playing.

    • Erin replied 2 weeks ago

      But really, who doesn’t go to the lesbian bar to eat french fries in the bathroom? Post-coital snack anyone?

    • Edi replied 2 weeks ago

      NO but if 12 is for the club I think it is, I absolutely need for Michele to go. the hell. away.

    • These are hilarious and I want to know how many of them are for Sisters

    • I spy Cubbyhole.

    • monae replied 2 weeks ago

      I wish I got the joke, but I live in a country that does not have a lesbian bar. Not a single one. In the whole country. Sigh.

    • Anna replied 2 weeks ago

      I lost it at #29! It’s just so blandly heavy with resignation.

    • I have been to all of these bars. Including 30. A bar where a waaaaasted girl who looked like Amy York Rubin’s sister threatened to curse me because she’s a witch and I was born in the same town as her cheating ex? Anyway, immediately upon leaving the bar I discovered it was national donut day and suddenly I was holding a free donut in each hand.…[Read more]

    • Robin replied 2 weeks ago

      not even going to lie, would go to the Lesbian Roller Rink/Bar in #20 in a HEARTBEAT

      • Al replied 2 weeks ago

        It’s in Ohio and not a real roller rink based on the other reviews sadly.

    • I guess I’m the only one that doesn’t get the whole love affair between lesbian bars and hip-hop

    • Cal replied 2 weeks ago

      Should I bring my roller skates next time? Because I could’ve swore it morphed into a roller rink.”

      My kinda bar tbh

    • Alex replied 2 weeks ago

      There aren’t any lesbian bars in Chicago for me to complain about, but these seem accurate to many of the lesbian nights at bars here.

      • THE CLOSET. I COULD REALLY COMPLAIN ABOUT THE CLOSET. Now I’m getting all itchy to write my own 1 star review….

    • Kyla replied 2 weeks ago

      absolute gold

    • I wish I could follow the joke but there isn’t a single lesbian bar in Portland so idgi.

      • That seems so crazy to me. I think of Portland as being like gay paradise or something.

    • Bren replied 2 weeks ago

      “If you’re a supermodel type stay clear of here! The bartenders here wish they had my body!”

      Sometimes I can be SO self absorbed.

    • 26. “A girl named Nicole stole my purse and her family members had something to do with it.”
      I feel kind of bad for how hard I laughed at this. Like, I’m sure it’s a real bummer to have your purse stolen.

    • Dina replied 2 weeks ago


    • Madge replied 2 weeks ago

      Oh that was fabulous. Is possession of the karaoke the new possession of the pool table?

    • K.C. replied 2 weeks ago

      Dying of laughter. Last night, I was actually on yelp looking up lesbian bars to go to this weekend, and I definitely recognized number 3.

    • I was so disappointed to google #12 and find out that it was for a gay bar in Ohio and not in reference to Phoenix’s lesbian bar, the Cash Inn Country.

      Apologies to any Phoenicians who go to the Cash Inn to line dance, as I’m sure it’s paradise for you, but when I lived there I went on weekends—when they mix it up to cater to the…[Read more]

    • bra replied 2 weeks ago


      I’m pretty sure I said #18 so many times in various bars and situations in life.

    • Kim replied 2 weeks ago

      These are fantastic! This one in particular speaks to my experience:

      6. “We arrived around 11:30 pm to meet a friend for a drink cause this is “where everyone goes.” Well, if this is everyone, I am upgrading my Netflix membership.”

    • Abby replied 2 weeks ago

      hi im just wondering if this is where I go to ask how much more time I have to wait before I can sing?

    • bless this list so hard

      I was curious what fun 1 star reviews were left for our local joint, and I found this gem:

      “I hope they changed their entrance policy since I was there in the late 90’s. My hubby & I along with 2 lesbian friends tried to go here (I’m female). We were stopped at the door where my husband and I were interrogated about…[Read more]

    • french fries and coke: an in-depth look at the lesbian bar bathroom scene

    • Wait, about 17… I know you said you removed the names, but can you tell me which one this bar is? Cheap drinks at an awful bar sounds like a funny evening.

    • re. #21.
      I have a confession.
      I actually find sports incredibly boring to watch.

    • These are spectacular.
      If only there was a lesbian bar I could go to to complain about, alas UK is mainly mixed gay nights/clubs/bars. One definitely has fart scented glasses.
      Manchester, London and Brighton are the only places I know for sure have Lesbian bars here.


    • Brilliant! No 5 reminded me of a time I used the loo in an Irish bar to find, boldly, a huge ham sandwich on top of the sanitary bin, with chunks of the bread munched away! Loo snacks must be common so!!!

    • This article is a true gem.

    • Holy shit you guys this article got a shout out on slate double x podcast. Hilarious.

    • I asked the first lesbian I met at college what the one local lesbian bar was like. I’ll always remember what she said: “Remember that cantina in Star Wars…?”

    • I just laughed so loud that the whole library appears to be staring at me…
      OR it’s the fact that the last article I read was the one with boobs and lingerie.
      Carpe Diem, right?

  • feature image via shutterstock.

    Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

    My girlfriend and I have been together for eleven years now, and she […]

    • In conclusion, indeed!!

    • all of this but especially the ending was so awesome, riese!

    • This is so spot on. I feel like sometimes (not saying this is necessarily the case for the asker) people get complacent and don’t believe things can possibly get better for them or that it’s too much of a struggle to keep trying and looking for the relationship that truly fits and fills us up in all ways.

      Demand more for yourself, asker. You…[Read more]

    • Awww…so sad to hear that things are that way but I have to agree that yes if things have been that way for a while then maybe yes, things need to end. Like Riese said unsaid things build that brick wall. Its true. When there was that bad time in my relationship I found out later on that IT WAS UNSAID THINGS. She felt like I had been busy with…[Read more]

      • Try to set asid something for yourself you know..love should be selfless yeah but not to the point where youre deprived.

    • Yes. Word.

    • Or she could be asexual…… That could be something to communicate about………

      • ^^what she said

      • yeah, that was the first thing that occurred to me when i read this question too

      • I think from the description, that seems possible. But my interpretation was that one person being asexual wouldn’t somehow make their problem not a problem. It would be wrong of the writer to pressure an asexual girl into having sex if she didn’t want to. It would be wrong of her to pressure a homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual girl who…[Read more]

      • Yes, but the conclusion to the relationship would remain the same, no?

        • i think so, which is why i couldn’t really find a place to work in that into my answer — it wouldn’t really change the outcome for this girl. it’d probably lead to a different moving-on process for the question-asker’s girlfriend? but she didn’t ask me for help, this girl did, so

        • I think if she is asexual (which you never know, everyone and their relationships together are all different, maybe them together are just not good for the sex) but IF she is asexual, it’d take a lot of communication to sort that out with a sexual person (or even another asexual person everyone should communicate in a relationship) and the…[Read more]

          • Sophie, I’m a long time lurker on AS and have never commented but you have just motivated me to join. Is there any chance you might be open to an email chat with me? I am struggling hugely at the moment and have just broken up with the most wonderful girl I know because I haven’t been able to admit to being asexual. It sounds like you are so much…[Read more]

      • True…though if the LW isn’t (and obviously wants sex), I don’t think this makes them compatible.

    • I thought that the highlight of this was going to be the building thebrick wall part but then I saw the conclusion…

    • This is a very important matter to me, being that I was in a relationship with someone I did not want to have sex with. Initially we had sex and it was fine and sometimes good and enjoyable, but 5 years in and my nearly complete lack of desire hurt both of us. Sex became this kind of traumatic thing. None of this happened because there wasn’t lots…[Read more]

      • thanks for this perspective and i’m glad you’re happy now! <3

      • I can’t tell you how important this comment is to me right now, I could have written your first paragraph word for word except that I’m right at the end of the 5 yr relationship and facing the months or years ahead feeling like maybe there’s something wrong with me or maybe I’m actually grey-asexual and how will I ever find anyone else to be with.…[Read more]

    • Sometimes love is not enough…

    • I feel like this post opens up a million questions for asexual people. I know there were some other aces on the “do I call myself bisexual” post, so if there are any here, maybe some others can give feedback: is this how it usually turns out when aces date allosexual people? Because it doesn’t give me much hope :-(

      I have had very poor luck…[Read more]

      • P.S. I know we don’t know whether the asker’s girlfriend is ace, and I’m not trying to assume or police her identity. The question itself just made me, as an ace, start to wonder about myself and other aces in similar situations. :-)

      • Yeah. I’m contentedly single (queerplatonic roomie relationship? idk.) but I dunno. This article just made me feel sad.

      • It can work, but it often takes a lot of effort : When I was with my ex we both compromised and it was okay, often it’s a matter of finding other things to do that your partner considers to be on an equivalent level of intimacy? Or figuring out what your sexual boundaries are – e.g. I was fine with getting her off, but any attempts for her to do…[Read more]

      • I’m not sure I qualify to answer this question but I’ve often wondered if I’m demisexual because I don’t have sex with people I’m not dating and even in dating we’re only going to have sex once we’ve reached a certain level of trust/intimacy and emotional connection. But once I’m comfortable having sex with a partner I’m super sexual with them, I…[Read more]

        • Thank you, this made me feel enormously better. I’m on the same page as you about attraction – I think I *might* be demisexual because I start to feel the attraction the longer I know someone, but it’s never gotten far enough (i.e. to actual sex) for me to know whether I would actually enjoy sex or not. I do know, absolutely for certain, that I do…[Read more]

      • I’ve never been in a relationship long enough for it to become an issue, to be honest. While I was dating my ex, things were fine re:sex but there was definitely an expectation of reaching some “eventually” where we’d have sex. Which, on one hand, yeah, I think I could have reached a point where that wouldn’t be terrible to at least try, but it…[Read more]

      • I am in the same boat as you, except I tend to make it even worse with myself because of my social anxiety. Often I was the one who pulled the plug after a few dates, because I was too scared to explain that I don’t want to have sex until I’ve developed a strong bond with someone. I’m identify as demi not asexual, because I definitely am capaple…[Read more]

      • I started dating my ex with the understanding that my ace/demi/graysexuality was a thing and wouldn’t change, and she said she was okay with it. Two months later, she realized she wasn’t okay with it, and started asking for sex. Seven months after that, I ended things because I couldn’t take the 1) guilt and shame for saying no and feeling broken…[Read more]

        • I’m so sorry that you were treated so poorly. I think you did the right thing by discussing it up front. I honestly believe she thought it would be okay, but it turned out it wasn’t something she wanted. The part that appalls me about this is that she tried to ask for something you weren’t comfortable with giving. That isn’t okay. Sometimes things…[Read more]

    • This post scares me because I feel like I’m destined to be the girlfriend in this story. I have a very low sex drive and my girlfriend has a very high sex drive, and I know it bothers her that I don’t want to have sex very often. We’ve been together for about 2 years, and it does seem to be getting worse. And yet I love her and she loves me and…[Read more]

      • Yes, thank you, I am so glad I’m not the only person who saw herself in the girlfriend’s shoes. It really scares me, too *hugs*

      • I don’t think you should be comparing yourself to the question-asker’s girlfriend! as i said in my answer, there’s no rule that a couple has to have sex [x] amount of times in order to be happy, and many couples have mismatched sex drives and that’s a thing people have to deal with. But this girl said that her girlfriend literally never wants to…[Read more]

      • As someone who’s dating a person who has a low(er) sex drive than me, I can say that you just need to communicate your needs to your higher-driven partner. Maybe sex isn’t the most intimiate gesture you can have! Maybe massages or certain kinds of touching is what you need instead of sex. Is your partner unhappy or impatient when you’re not…[Read more]

      • “I want there to be a fix that allows us to stay together and for things to get better (i.e. for me to want more sex.)”

        OK I just want to point out that this is really sad, and there is NOTHING wrong with you or the amount of sex you’re comfortable with!

        The mindset of “more sex = better; if one person wants less/no sex, fix that person so…[Read more]

      • i’m sorry you have to see this, because i feel like this article is terrible. i have seen plenty of relationships work out in this situation. sex is not necessary, though society makes it seem compulsory. prioritizing communication with your girlfriend is really important. in the successful relationships i have witnessed with this dynamic, my…[Read more]

    • I feel like this question was asked by my girlfriend. But we have only been together two years. Now I don’t think I’m asexual, but sex is a tough sell for me. Reading all the comments and even Riese’s answer about breaking of the relationship has stressed me out. Ha.

      My girlfriend and I have talked about sex, or sometimes lack thereof, and I…[Read more]

    • Spot-on advice written in a way that had me tearing up. Classic Riese.

    • So, thanks everyone for the questions & answers in this conversation. It got me thinking about my last long term (12 yrs) relationship. My ex & I had issues with different libidos – it is still difficult for me to sort everything out. We had been in counseling as well. I had begun to really believe our problems were only because I wanted sex more…[Read more]

    • Holy crap. 11 years? I was struggling after 9 months with someone who was kind of asexual. Like, she’d be ok for a couple of months with nothing going on. I don’t think it helped that my hetero friends thought I was entitled to sex and instead of telling me to break up with her told me I should demand it. You aren’t entitled to anything from any…[Read more]

      • “You aren’t entitled to anything from any given person, but you are entitled to go and find someone who wants sex roughly the same amount you do.”


      • Yeah, 11 years? I can’t even begin to fathom that. I barely lasted 4 months with the chic I dated who, in that whole time, only had sex with me one time.

        And the advice from your hetero friends is pretty gross, but it isn’t uncommon in many straight relationships to demand sex, sadly.

    • Great advice. And sadly, diminishing sexual activity does happen in many relationships. It occurred to me that although the OP said they weren’t interested in opening up their relationship, it is the one that could shift things. If the love and commitment is there, perhaps this is a way for her to get her needs met. I was in her shoes once (12…[Read more]

    • When I was finally in the emotional place to take Riese’s good advice about this subject to heart, it did me a world of good. When the libido gap is this extreme, it can leave one person feeling traumatized by unwanted sex and one person miserable with low self-esteem and rejection.

      “Ultimately, being alone is probably really similar to being…[Read more]

    • I have to agree with the other asexual posters that this article kind of terrifies me.

      I feel very conflicted about it, because from the viewpoint of the person asking the question I definitely think it’s good advice, but gosh does it not give me much hope for my own dating!

    • I’m one of those people who has to have a satisfying sex life in a relationship. If the dreaded bed death starts to happen, we talk about it, get counseling, try to get to the root of the problem…but if that doesn’t work, the relationship is over. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her anymore, it just means that I am no longer fulfilled and satisfied…[Read more]

      • I mean duh. Ya wanna be friends we can be friends (eventually) but if you want lovah status/privileges..you gotta pay to play. And like it too. Cuz I’m not a dude.

    • So, I see a lot of comments here from asexual people. I have a pretty painful story to share. I met a girl on OKCupid when I lived in NY. We were both atheists, both bookish nerds, but childfree. However, she- in an email, no less- told me that she wasn’t even sure she was a lesbian, but was definitely sure she was asexual, which is why when the…[Read more]

      • that’s BOTH childree. What I wouldn’t give for an edit button…

      • Everyone, regardless of level of libido, should be up front about it. Understand that there is a lot of bull shit that asexual people endure and it makes a lot of us afraid to talk about it because of these attitudes. I’ve personally had people insist that being asexual and lesbian is incompatible because sex must be a part of a relationship…[Read more]

        • I don’t view asexuality or any sort of lack of libido as anyone being “broken” or having a “problem.” I am sorry that people are such douchebags on that front. However, I think something that asexual people have to understand is that when that information is withheld and the allosexual partner is continuously rejected, it destroys self esteem and…[Read more]

          • ugh HTML FAIL

          • Do you tell new partners upfront that you must have sex and will break up with someone who’s ace, or with a serious libido mismatch?

            Cause if not, you’re sure as hell “withholding a vital piece of information that allows [them] to make an informed decision about a relationship’s future.” unlike yours, ace people’s disclosures are at times met…[Read more]

            • I’m not acting as if anyone is denying me. I state my wants and needs. The one relationship I was in with an ace person, she just refused to talk about it, period. You can be defensive until the cows come home, but I will not apologize for wanting my needs met in a relationship. Said needs are not unusual or unreasonable. Most people think that…[Read more]

    • My ex went through a phase – quite long, appr. 1,5 years – where they didn’t want to have sex. It was rough – but the odd thing was that it passed, and things returned to how they had been before. It had nothing to do with the relationship, maybe some issues of their own, but even they did not understand it.

      The relationship ended for other…[Read more]

    • I know it’s all been said and I agree that it’s probably best to break up if you’re unhappy and if you feel like your needs aren’t being met. That being said, I really really really think talking about it with her first would be a good idea! If you can get an idea of her boundaries and she can get an idea of yours, maybe you can work something out…[Read more]

      • I think they have talked about it extensively — they’ve even been to counseling!

      • To add to this train of thought, as a rape survivor ‘fundamental human need for sex’ sounded scarily like it was negating my right to say no. Personally, if someone told me I needed to be sexual in a relationship because it’s a fundamental human need, that would be my exit straight out the door.

        • AGREED.

          Plus like, where is the acknowledgment that in long established relationships, sometimes “just break up” is WAY easier said than done?

          Like, if A is financially dependent on B and B says “I’m leaving you because my sexual needs aren’t being met and i deserve to seek a sexually fulfilling relationship” how can that NOT be coercing A…[Read more]

          • “I feel like our relationship isn’t working because of how different our sexual needs are and I’m realizing I need to have sex to feel fulfilled in a relationship. I think we need to break up. I’m not going to kick you out and I’ll keep helping you financially for a while but we need to start teasing apart our finances and figuring out our living…[Read more]

      • “This being said, like, I don’t wanna nitpick, but ‘fundamental human need for sex’ made me feel pretty excluded/invalidated. I don’t know about the rest of you wonderful ace folks but I don’t have any need for sex and I’m pretty sure I’m human? More or less?”

        Yes, thank you for zeroing in on that line, because in couldn’t put my finger on it…[Read more]

        • Lyssa, you are not a freak, you are not “broken,” and you do not have a “problem” because you do not desire sex. That is something you need to remember anytime this subject comes up. Asexuality is a valid orientation and you deserve to be loved. However, to allosexual people, sex is a fundamental human need. That is the harsh truth. The very idea…[Read more]

          • “However, to allosexual people, sex is a fundamental human need.”

            Not remotely fucking true. It’s a powerdul urge and desire, sure.

            “The very idea of being in a romantic relationship where I am expected to give up sex is absurd and unacceptable to me.”

            This is really, disgustingly, blatantly showing how you feel entitled to sex from…[Read more]

            • I do have healthy expectations. Sex is a healthy expectation in a relationship, as the OP says. You’re the one who is being hostile here. IF you’re here to be hostile, I’m not here to talk to you. There is nothing abnormal about expecting sex in an intimate partner relationship.

            • Oh, and re: sex not being a need for allosexual people? Sorry, but for many it is. You don’t get to tell other people what their needs are. You are a hostile person who doesn’t want to face the reality that, yes, to some of us is not just a want, but a need and a requirement in a relationship. That is what is healthy for us. If no sex is healthy…[Read more]

    • I think that a lot of people, espsecially lesbians, get so “comfortable” in a relationship that they’re afraid to move on when things don’t work or they start to fizzle out and die. Not every relationship is meant to be. Forcing things to work when they aren’t, especially after 11 years…it’s just a waste of time and extremely sad. I’d rather…[Read more]

    • I was with a partner for 7 years who was rather uninterested in sex unless she’d been drinking. I interpreted it to mean I wasn’t good enough, and I was constantly beating myself up for not being skinnier, for being too nerdy, etc etc etc… I left her a year and a half ago and I discovered that all the things I thought were undesirable about me…[Read more]

    • A non-open relationship does not work between an ace and an allosexual. it’s like a culture of green cock-rot with a side of slime-wank layered cake – in fact exactly the same as relationship life support either post-reshelling-to-incompatible or after one of the patrtners in straight relationship comes out as gay.

      • I have to agree with this. I am sure that there are instances where it HAS worked, but, on the whole, as a very sexual allosexual person…I just couldn’t see how the allosexual person’s needs could be met without traumatizing the asexual person.

        • I think that your comments come from not fully understanding asexuality. Asexuality is a spectrum that includes many different identities, while it is true that some asexuals are repulsed by sex it is not a universal trait of asexuality. Some reasons asexuals identify as asexual are: because they do not feel sexual attraction, feel sexual…[Read more]

          • If this was directed at me, yes, you’ve completely misunderstood me. Of course I realize that nothing is perfect and no two people are compatible. As for dealbreakers? There are plenty of things I’d rather not put up with in relationships but, because, again, nothing is perfect. I restrict the ones I don’t compromise on to huge stuff, like…[Read more]

            • This wasn’t solely directed at you, but it was in part (it was mainly directed at anyone who was possibly being acephobic or just not understanding things about ace people), and rereading it I’d like to apologize for making assumptions about you, that was in no way my original intent and I sort of got derailed as I was writing and again I’m sorry…[Read more]

          • Thank you so much for the apology. I also appreciate that I hurriedly typed that out in a bit of a tizzy and hit submit without thinking, so I apologize as well.

            I also abhor acephobia, or prejudice of any kind. However, I think, due to the fact that differing libidos in relationships do cause problems, this is a very complicated issue. A very…[Read more]

            • Apology accepted :) this is absolutely a tricky issue, and for me acephobia was not meant to say that people were being outrightly acephobic and saying the things you just listed, I was thinking more along the lines of the subtle things that any repressed group (as probably all of us here are aware) undergoes (specifically generalizations). This…[Read more]

      • Yeah, can we not have posts like this? That compare ace-allo relationships to the most disgusting fucking mold you can think of? That shouldn’t be fucking rocket science.


        • Nopes, there’s nothing wrong with ace/allo relationships on principle and i did not say there is. There’s everything wrong with relationships failing to acknowledge their participants fully, in this case as sexual/asexual. And yea i compared the latter to sewage jelly and rightly so – and yea the Boyd school statussexuals/inertiasexuals and the…[Read more]

          • ~Yeah, right you just said ace/allo relationships were “like a culture of green cock-rot with a side of slime-wank layered cake” like it was a GOOD thing.~ Jesus. Lying about what you just fucking said doesn’t work so well when it’s still right there above.

            And no, comparing ace/allo relationships to m/f het/gay relationships isn’t remotely…[Read more]

            • Actually, comparing het/gay relationships to ace/allo relationships is completely valid. Not being with someone who does not meet your needs is bad for everyone involved.

              Personally, as a very sexual allosexual person, asexuality is a dealbreaker like all of my other dealbreakers. I wouldn’t date someone who has an aversion to sex just like I…[Read more]

            • Imp: with total respect and absolutely nothing against you, the words ‘non-open’ were important in what i was trying to say. I did NOT make an unquantified comparison of ace/allo relationships to claptastic guttersludge. Sexual mismatch with no acknowledgement and adjustments is legit grounds for breakup, on either side – i am not singling out…[Read more]

          • Serena: Replying to the bottom comment up here because there is no reply button on that comment. Thank you so much. I think we all have things we’d rather not put up with in relationships, but are willing to compromise on, as a big part of relationships are compromise and respect for one another’s individuality. I’ve narrowed my absolute…[Read more]

      • Disgusting and completely false.

    • I have a question, my gf and I have been together for a year now and it seemed like our sex life was great most of it,but now its like she’d rather use a vibrater than me touch her and it’s starting to make me feel inadequate,, but she’s telling me its not me. That her medication is making loss sensitivity and that’s why she has to use the…[Read more]

      • I’m a person who needs that kind of strong stimulation. It is 100% not you, babe. Is she ok with you using the vibrator on her? Or other types of sexual touching while she uses it on herself?

        However, the second half of your comment worries me more. Acts like she can’t stand you?! That’s not something you need to tolerate in a relationship!…[Read more]

      • I can’t speak to your specific situation, but as someone who has been on/is sort of still on but trying not to be anymore medication whose side effects include making it nearly impossible to finish I can say that it isn’t you at all. Maybe the emotional stuff is coming from her feeling like she’s inadequate, or it could be other side effects of…[Read more]

      • It doesn’t have to be you or the vibrator it can be both! As her if she’d like you to be in charge of the heavy duty Hitachi. Incorporating vibrators in partner play is great! You can still have intimacy even if you’re not doing the kinds of acts you think you’re supposed to be doing. Do it all!

        Maybe this is TMI but I like to often be in…[Read more]

    • I can’t tell whether I’m sad because this article made me realize that (whether or not this has anything to do with the sexuality of the girlfriend) relationships between an ace and allosexual person are really difficult to work out or if I’m happy that it led to thoughtful conversations about asexuality in the comments

    • It’s pretty anti-asexual to say that what distinguishes a relationship with a friend from a relationship with a girlfriend is sex and to describe sex as a “fundamental human need”—suggesting that asexuals are lacking in a fundamental human quality. I agree with the overall opinion that sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship and…[Read more]

      • I noticed she said fundamental human need for most people (which to me is more problematic in that it presents allosexuality as the norm as opposed to ignored asexuality), also stating that sex is usually needed in a healthy relationship “between two allosexuals”, so I think that while some parts of it may have come across as anti-asexual, that…[Read more]

        • Mostly what I mean is that this was a specific article about a specific couple, and that as such Riese definitely did what she could to make it more ace-inclusive, and if it wasn’t then people are allowed to be upset, but the original intent of the post was not about asexuality.

      • What if we interpreted that “fundamental human need” comment as being a fundamental need for a *fulfilling* sex life? So for some people, a fulfilling sex life means a lot of sex… for others, it means a little sex… for still others, it means no sex.

        Does that change things?

        (Also, I think it’s worth quoting the word before the…[Read more]

    • Dear fellow aces floundering the comments:

      Please don’t forget that asexuality is a spectrum. Some asexual folks are sex-repulsed, some aren’t, some masturbate, some don’t, some have sex & love it, some have sex & are just “eh” about it, some don’t have sex ever, some are highly interested in non-intercourse physical intimacy, others aren’t,…[Read more]

    • NEW IDEA what if AS did a roundtable on asexuality by people who identify as on the ace spectrum. It would clarify some questions people have, show multiple perspectives of people who fall on multiple places on the spectrum, and it could increase visibility. I’m aware AS has a TON on its plate right now but maybe keep this in mind for future reference?

    • First time I’ve felt compelled to comment here, though I’ve been reading for quite some time… This is just sooooo eariliy similar to my own current situation. My wife and I have been together 10 years, married for 3, and no sex within the last several years — except for a few times that felt completely obligatory/like I was getting sympathy sex…[Read more]

    • Relationships between aces/sexuals can work. Me and my girlfriend are an example.

      Ever since my girlfriend got her SRS over a year ago, she has defined herself as asexual because her sex drive, which was never that high to begin with, practically nonexistent now. And I, the sex drive haver, am the one who doesn’t really mind much.

      I dont…[Read more]

      • *happy tears* This is wonderful to read. I am so happy to hear experiences of good relationships between allos/aces. <3

        • It can definitely happen. I’m actually another example. I’m an allosexual and the first (and so far only) time I fell in love was with a woman who, while not identifying with the label asexual, preferred not to have sex with anyone. The lack of sex wasn’t an issue for me and I was happier than I’d been in quite a long time and my life was full…[Read more]

      • “To me its like dumping your partner over them not liking Indian food…”

        Except I can go to an Indian restaurant on my lunch break without worrying about betraying my partner.

        • Still can, by yourself. Masturbation still exists, shocking, i know. Even if it’s not the home-cooked feast prepared by your partner, like you really wanted.

          (If your partner DOES expect you to never ever masturbate, even where they don’t have to see it, that IS bizarrely fucked up and controlling.)

          • This is not really fair though because masturbation and partner sex are totally, totally, totally different ballgames. I personally think that yes I would be ok with just masturbation if everything else in the relationship was fulfilling enough but I completely get why that might not be the case for other people who need that strong sexual…[Read more]

      • I’m with you on being an outlier in not seeing a lack of sex as a dealbreaker (but also not being asexual). I felt like I really learned something reading through these comments, because while I realized a partner not ever wanting sex would be a dealbreaker for some people, I’m honestly surprised how many straddlers are saying it would be a…[Read more]

      • Yeah, considering that my gf and I stopped having sex altogether like 8 months before we broke up, and I still didn’t want to break up and had thought to myself that I’d be perfectly fine with “taking care of myself” and not needing to have sex with her, I can put myself in this category too, as someone who isn’t asexual but would be open to a…[Read more]

      • Yeah same.

        I feel like there should be a You Need Help about teaching people to not take being turned down for sex as a personal insult, jesus. I sure understand being insecure and feeling inadequate, but turning around and blaming that on a partner for saying no is fucked up.

    • when i saw the title of this article i was pretty intrigued, being asexual and in a relationship (about two and a half years now) where my partner wants sex more than i do, but reading it made me kind of sad and upset.

      a couple people already mentioned it, but calling sex a “fundamental human need” is kind of weird and alienating to a lot of…[Read more]

    • Intellectually, I know this was not the intention and I understand this is advice to a specific couple (whose actual problem might be communication more than the sex drive part?), still reading this made me really sad. But I’m happy to see quite a few fellow aces in the comments. Essentially, I just signed up to say: “Hi guys!” :)

    • I think people are losing the message of this answer. Yes, sometimes people have mismatched libidos, and yes, sometimes this can be due to one of the partners being asexual…etc. The biggest thing in a relationship is *honest* communication with their partner and themselves, especially when things are not going well.

      90% of the time, one…[Read more]

      • I really like this comment. I feel like we got off track, though I am glad that the asexuality conversation happened.

        I think people should realize that Autostraddle is not anti ANY orientation. This is one of those things that I think brings forth one of those what I like to call “uncomfortable truths”: the fact that mismatched libidos,…[Read more]

      • yes, this!

      • Anybody who wants a relationship that actually lasts, someone to grow old with etc. will have to face up to the fact that it is very, very likely one or both of you will “not be as in to each other” at times during that relationship. And yes, count me as one of the people who thinks the investment of time that you have put in with someone should…[Read more]

        • While this is true, there is a limit, you know? Like, relationships are work. But if the work you’re putting in doesn’t match the benefit coming out, something isn’t right.

          • Of course there is a limit, that’s why I said in my aside that if you’re overall unhappy it isn’t worth it. But I think there are a hell of a lot more idealistic messages out there about relationships than realistic ones and as someone who would rather find steady long-term happiness than chase after fireworks all the time I find this frustrating.

        • “Personally I don’t want a partner who’s just going to walk away as soon as things aren’t all fucking sparkly anymore, I want a LIFE PARTNER who understands what is realistic to expect.”

          You and I are on the same page there! This is hugely important to me as well. Sorry for your recent break up :-( Hang in there, I believe the right ones will…[Read more]

    • Fascinating and thoughtful discussion! But hey, sometimes I feel like discussions around long-term relationships and sexual incompatibility treat monogamy as a preferable norm, as the assumed basis of marriage/partnership. Granted, this letter writer was clear about not wanting to have an open relationship — but maybe it would be useful to know…[Read more]

    • I agree with Riese’s assessment of the OP’s problem: in this situation, the mismatched libido issue is killing the relationship, neither partner seems actively passionate even in a non-sexual context, and years of counseling and communication are not helping.

      Even if the other partner is asexual–which is possible but not known–the OP should…[Read more]

    • Word.

    • So I’m an allosexual person who felt really hurt by some of the comments from asexuals in here.

      I am in a relationship with a libido gap. We’re working on coming to an understanding of what each of us needs to do to ensure a healthy sex life for both of us, but I’m not going to lie – it’s really hard and sometimes extremely painful. And my…[Read more]

      • Thank you so much for this comment! I’ve felt pretty invalidated and hurt by some of the comments from asexual people here as well, specifically with the suggestion that there is something wrong with sex being a fundamental human need, as stated in the article. Well, for some of us, it is, and is is quite hurtful to suggest that there is something…[Read more]

        • I don’t think any of the aces here were saying there’s anything wrong with YOU needing sex, or implying that you don’t actually need it, or trying to devalue your personal need for it. In fact, I personally appreciate your candidness – both allos and aces need to be up front right from the start if they foresee a compatibility problem, and your…[Read more]

          • Awesome, concise assessment of what is going on here, Lyssa. Thank you!

          • Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for this comment.

            Also, thank you for bringing up the fear of abandonment that I think is pretty prevalent for a lot of us aces. Because I think a lot of us do have experiences with allos who think that not having sex (either ever or very infrequently) won’t be an issue with them and they turn out to be wrong about…[Read more]

      • I totally agree, and since I don’t really want to reply to everyone’s repulsion to Riese’s comment on sex being a “fundamental human need”, I’ll do it here since it’s relevant:

        The fact that allosexual people want and need sex is something that is incredibly policed in our society in terms of who gets to have sex, and how that sex is considered…[Read more]

        • Exactly. Basically I feel like there’s this idea of a Platonic ideal of how often you can should have sex, but it’s an impossible goal!

        • I think the issue was with the phrasing. The idea that sex is a “human need”, as opposed to something that some humans need to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship, suggests that there is something less than fully human about asexual and demisexual people. I didn’t take it that way and totally get that it wasn’t Reise’s intention to suggest…[Read more]

          • I still think the “your” before “fundamental” changes the meaning significantly.

            • It does, and I think a lot of us missed the “your.” It’s hard because on the one hand, we have a group that is used to having to deflect negative attitudes about female sexual experiences, and then a subset of that group that is used to having to battle against identity erasure, and each group might not be thinking about the context of the other.…[Read more]

        • yes yes all of these things

      • Actually, the sexual feelings (most) ace people don’t have were described as a “fundamental human need,” implying that (most) aces are less than human.

        Aces have been described as inhuman, absurd, denying sex, and that relationships with them are like “green cock-rot with a side of slime-wank layered cake”. But YOU feel hurt! Because… one…[Read more]

        • Yeah but you don’t have the duty to stay in a relationship with a person who always says no to you either. You’re not entitled to sex, but they’re also not entitled to your love, care and commitment. A lot of aces don’t really seem to get this and act as though leaving a relationship because you want to be with someone who you feel actually…[Read more]

          • No

            • Okay that was rude iPhone. I meant to say no one should feel obligated to stay in a relationship where their needs aren’t met…allo/ace or otherwise. That doesn’t make anyone a rapist or wrong for feeling what they feel.

          • @Andrea, that’s my thing here. There seems to be an under (over?) tone of the duty of sexual people to stay in relationships with people who don’t/won’t have sex. Sorry, I’ll personally never do that and I’ll never think it is my responsibility to do that. Thank you for stating this. It isn’t my fault if someone refuses to tell me at the beginning…[Read more]

        • Let me clarify what I meant with that sexual comfort zone comment, because I really didn’t word it well and I think you ended up in a completely different place than I intended.

          Say you can put sexual desire on a high-low spectrum. (You can’t, really, but for the sake of discussion, let’s say you can.)

          Let’s say we have a couple. One…[Read more]

          • Riese replied 2 weeks ago

            for what it’s worth i thought your original comment was clear and didn’t imply a disregard for consent at all!

        • She never said that someone shouldn’t have the right to say “no.” I think that goes in hand with the solution of the article to be that they break up if their sexual needs are incompatible. I personally would not want to be with someone who didn’t want sex, not because I would feel unattractive but because its something that is important to me. If…[Read more]

    • My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. We dated about 4 months. I did everything for him whenever he needed help with something, I love him so much and cared about him a lot. I never asked anything from him. I have no kids and a good well paying job. Everything was so perfect and good between us. He told me he would take me ring shopping and we…[Read more]

      • UPDATE: have called robinson, still waiting for lover to return to me. robinson did not have built in return policy, feeling suspect of robinson’s power.

        • Thank you for staying on top of this, Kate, I’m holding out hope that there’s still time for the spell caster to return

    • it seriously amuses me how a bunch of folks don’t actually want to have their sexuality fully (i.e. with consequences and adjustments) acknowledged and acted upon. It seems it is much more acceptable to have a non-adjusted relationship…and not have it too.

      It may indeed feel empowering and strengthen faith to have it both ways – but…[Read more]

      • A hell of a lot of people in that position dont know or fully understand their identities or desires.
        Or are in denial, feel broken, are self-loathing, etc, in part because of scum like you who say that being with them would be like “green cock-rot with a side of slime-wank layered cake”

        ~Gee, with people like you around, i can’t imagine why…[Read more]

        • Scum like me. Riiight. Wish you could look 20 years into the future. i darkly suspect you would find more of the same – yet another complete arsehole lesbro like me. Tired of counterproductive 24/7/365 fighting against an inherently hostile alien world, delegating her safety and wellbeing entirely to technology installed, and drawing first on…[Read more]

    • Some great discussions in this thread. Whenever to break up is a discussion the person needs to have with their partner, but I don’t think it has to be case. Mixed desire relationships can work, and if you guys want it to then you really need to focus on developing happiness and intimacy in the relationship(and working out if you can continue as a…[Read more]

      • Damn phone, anyway, don’t necessarily discount non-monogamy or polyamory straight away. Maybe you do need more in a relationship, but maybe sex is just one part of it and you can still have a loving awesome relationship. There are other ways to be intimate with people, and perhaps your girlfriend is open to erotic but non sexual kind of things.…[Read more]

    • Most everything I could say has already been said, by dina, shannon1981, kim, emmy and many others, but I just wanna add that women, and especially queer women, have been shamed for desiring sex for most of human history and told repeatedly that sexual satisfaction isn’t something we should expect out of life or our relationships. Female sexual…[Read more]

      • Unless there have been some deleted comments, literally no one here has claimed that women having sexual desires for other women as “a thing our culture is totally on board with.”

        That does not remotely change the fact that people pressuring and coercing their partners to have sex, and generally feeling entitled to sex in relationships, is a…[Read more]

        • Yo, by Riese saying “get the hell out of the relationship,” that’s preventing anyone accidentally or on purpose pressuring anybody else into having sex. Like, literally no one here thinks sex where one person is just doing it because they feel like they have to makes for good sex. ‘Cause, uh, it sure as hell doesn’t. For either party. It’s a bit…[Read more]

        • I think the notion Riese was saying about people treating woman having sexual desires as something society is on board with wasn’t about someone saying that specifically. I think her intention was to speak to the subtext present in a lot of the discussion, from both sides.

          Some people here have been saying some fucked up things about aces, and…[Read more]

          • I hope you’re not talking about my comment! I’m going to write something that hopefully better explains what I meant – standby.

    • Ok, so it’s my opinion (My. Opinion.) that anything other than a complete lack of sexual attraction/desire (aka asexuality) is just another spot on the spectrum that is sex drives. Like, do you really “allosexuals” or non-“demisexuals” just like to bang all the time without emotional connection or whatever else? No. No no no. That’s just…[Read more]

      • Yeah, the idea that self- pleasuring should be enough in a relationship is just ridiculous. No, it is nothing like fucking an actual person. A lot of the responses regarding this stuff borders on making sexual people feel guilty for not wanting to date people who can’t, won’t, or don’t have or desire sex, and I find that pretty disgusting.

    • I think this comment thread highlights just how on edge a lot of us in the asexual community are about how we are perceived/judged.

      Like, there’s nothing (imo) in Riese’s article that reads anti- asexual or anti- ace/allo relationships. There’s actually nothing about asexuality in the article at all, unless you extrapolate that from the…[Read more]

    • I’m going to leave this here because it’s a concept that I’ve found helpful. (It’s a bit heterocentric, but the concepts are sound!) Instead of seeing libido as a high-low spectrum, this psychologist suggests it’s better to see it as a multi-dimensional group of libido types.…[Read more]

      • This is very insightful, thank you for posting!

      • Omg, thank you so so much for this link. The paragraph near the end that describes the dynamics btw the mismatched sensual person and erotic person is spot on for my experiences and it really validates for me that I’m not at fault for having a lower libido but that I wasn’t getting the kind of responses I needed in order to feel interested.

    • I think I’m on the other end of this type of thing. My not-want-sex started after I did some video evidence for past sexual abuse. I’d managed to iron out the problems I’d had before it, but after it started with getting harder to orgasm, then I couldn’t orgasm at all(even by myself) and then I lost interest in sex.

      The worst part for me is…[Read more]

    • In my experience, one partner no longer wanting to have sex is not just a problem with that individual. “She doesn’t want to have sex with me? What is wrong with her?” Maybe nothing. Maybe something’s wrong with you.

      I’ve been this girlfriend, the one who never wants to have sex. But I’m not asexual. I just like to have at least the barest…[Read more]

  • HELLO and welcome to the 152nd installment of Things I Read That I Love, wherein I share with you some of the longer-form journalism/essays I’ve read recently so that you can read them too and we can all know more […]

    • wow, that piece by Janani was awesome. it is always great to see their work.

    • This column might be my favorite thing about Fridays. And I love Fridays a lot, so that’s saying something. But seriously, I especially loved the articles this week. I love reading things that put me so deeply in a certain place/time/experience that when I’m done reading, I’ve almost forgotten where I actually am. Also love reading the ones that…[Read more]

    • The Reality Bites one spoke to me as well. I’m self-employed but at this point is it by choice anymore? I love the flexibility of course but would love more stability and financial security. But with a resume 13 years into self-employment it’s hard to convince folks that I’d make a good employee. Face-saving detachment for sure.

    • totally going to subscribe to modern farmer now!

  • ThumbnailWelcome to the seventh recap of the second season of Faking It, a cartoon about an intrepid girl explorer who always matches her toenail polish to her fingernail polish from the network that brought you Kevin […]

    • I want to do that thing where I get to quote one of the screen captions to show my enthusiasm for them. But it would seriously be every one of them, and I need to get to bed. :)

      • aw that’s so nice because doing the captions this time was so hard for some reason, i think maybe ’cause most of the show happened in the same room

    • Duke needs to google Rob Kearney.

    • I’ve also never been a #karmy fan – I’m just not that into Karma, she seems like kind of a shallow character. I know heaps of people are interpreting Karma’s behaviour as latent feelings for Amy – with good reason – but I just don’t want it to be true. I’d like to see more focus on Amy and Reagan’s burgeoning relationship than Karma’s…[Read more]

      • Yeah, Karma is shallow shallow shallow. At times I can’t decide if the might hold back Amy in the long run or if she will get over herself. But I really hope she too grows.

    • I… thought Amy was holding a stake in the promo video at the end. Amy the Vampire Slayer.

    • This episode made exactly zero sense.

    • “Seriously not one person asked for more white guys.”

      My inner dialogue, every day.

      My misandrist side was also pissed that Liam was such a decent person, but damn, thank god for sensibility. Karma was AWKWARD and painful, and Shane was just the worst manipulative little asshole.

      Lauren continues to be the best thing about this show, and…[Read more]

    • Amy is deathly allergic to nuts and yet happily goes to a communal restaurant and doesn’t check the ingredients of the dishes? That girl is living her lesbian life on the edge!

      • Yes that’s exactly where my brain went too. Then I had to pull out my well used ‘suspension of disbelief’ mind.

        The overly sensitive part of me also felt a little slighted that the new queer lady option was compared to apparently un-tasty, ‘trendy’, allergy inducing kale during their food metaphors.

    • Finally! Some decent action for Amy – for queer women in general – hooray. I’m cracking out some Ce Ce Peniston in my head as I type. There had better be more of that – and plenty more of it – because they’ve strung us queer ladies on long enough to suddenly go back to a drought of action.

      Solid episode overall. Downside would be the…[Read more]

      • I don’t think she was outing Duke. I don’t think she knew they were a secret. After all, they were a secret do no one knew of their relationship.

    • I was really annoyed with that Duke’s speech that he knew since he was 11. Like Riese said in recap for 203, all non-straight guys here are 100% gay and knew since forever, but the one confused non-straight gal has been de-gayed after being told by her actress that she’s gay, and the only lesbian character is only in the background to be part of…[Read more]

    • Reagan pretty much admitted that she is A in that makeout scene, how fantastic is that!

    • I’m not really a strong Karmy shipper (even though I still hope for a bisexual Karma), so I was really happy to see Amy with Reagan. She finally got some action! Four for you Amy. You go Amy.

      I don’t know how popular/unpopular my opinion is but I find Shane so. annoying. I just can’t stand him. I want more Theo and Lauren and less Shane’s…[Read more]

    • Such a pointless thing, but still bothering me.

      Usually deadly allergy plus needing to use an epi-pen results in immediate call 911 drop everything go to the emergency room right now or possibly die. Not chase your girlfriend to the car.

      Those things only keep your throat from closing for a little while.

    • Maybe I’m just a mean person, but I’m glad Karma is finally getting the shitty end of the deal. It’s time for Amy to shine in all her lesbian glory.

    • This was the best episode of this show in a while, but I was pretty disappointed in Yvette Monreal (Reagan) who is very, very lovely but… I want her to be good at the acting, I do. I’m rooting for her. But she is NOT good at the acting. Hoo boy she is not good at the acting.

      Thanks for another awesome recap! Especially the adorable metaphor…[Read more]

      • Waat?! She wasn’t THAT bad? Maybe her hotness is masking everything, LOL. Although, I was surprised she didn’t comfort Amy better in that scene where she’s chokin’ on the peanuty kale. :/

    • Gotta love it when the image captions don’t have jukes they just have fangirling :p Amy is finally becoming her own person without Karma controlling her. Yay!

    • I’ve come to a new theory about the “Woah”,”I know” scene in the mid-season trailer. I think Karma really does go down on Amy. Karma is afraid that Amy is pulling away, and her relationship with Liam isn’t what she thought it would be. Karma then fulfills Amy’s fantasies in order not to lose Amy. The theme of season 2B is that Karma is FAKING…[Read more]

    • Riese!! LSS! Part of Your World hihihi <3

    • I’m so tired of Shane acting like “the Gay Messiah who has lived the one true homosexual experience and must shepherd all other queers onto the right path” ™.

      I have had my own share of ‘Shanes’ in real life, I don’t need them on tv.

      Also does anyone have any theories on Theo’s secret?

    • Reise’s “is this how lesbians have sex?” captions have made their way into my subconscious and now follow me everywhere e.g. taylor swift finger tutting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM

    • I know this show has short episodes, but I wish they had more character development and less “how can we add drama?” moments. I just want Karma and Shane to be people and not caricatures. I do like the focus on Amy. That should continue if they’re going to develop any characters.

    • Best episode so far.

    • Welp that was a mess, collegiate level lesbianing type o’ mess.

      But umph…Reagan’s truck.

    • Best line of the show so far. ” I’m territorial??? I’m surprised that you haved pee’d on her to mark your territory” LOL!!!! I soooooo love Reagan and I honestly think she’s what is best for
      Amy. Unfortunetly they’ll probably have the writers I mean Amy
      and Reagan breakup and for what?? So Amy can get into a relationship with a very selfish and…[Read more]

  • As any lesbian who’s been repeatedly asked to serve as a human chemistry set for a straight woman seeking her first lesbian sexual experience can tell you, “not being gay” and “wanting gay sex” are hardly […]

    • Back when I identified as straight (I now identify as lesbian) and was constantly fantasizing about women, I would tell myself, “All straight women are actually really attracted to other women.” I used to consider this thought an example of my closeted self-delusion, but maybe I was unwittingly at least kind of onto something?

      • Yes! Before I realized I was a lesbian I seriously thought all women were attracted to other women and secretly found men repulsive. Seems ridiculous but I was kind of shocked to learn that some women enjoyed looking at and having sex with naked men.

    • “definitely homoosexual” :)

    • On bad days I’m gonna start telling myself I’m one of the top five factors.

    • :) thank you for this article. This is interesting and it’s nice to have all the stats in the same place.

      My one quibble is with the pornhub data, which was done on self-reported female registered users of pornhub. If you’ve ever seen the actual demographics of a subscription porn site, I don’t have to tell you that a good number of those are…[Read more]

      • “I don’t have to tell you that a good number of those are not actually female.”

        That’s the first time of I’ve heard of such a thing! If you don’t mind me asking, how exactly did you come to find the “actual demographics” of “subscription porn sites?” Also, do have any idea as to why man who subscribe to these sights would claim to be women?

        • Well I don’t know what the real stats are, but I can say that as an AFAB person I always say I’m “male” looking for “female” because I don’t like the results given when I say I’m “female” looking for “female” (because I hate most lesbian porn). I’m sure I’m not the only person who does that.

    • Ha! Very relevant: just last night my [“straight”] best friend was “bragging” that she’s slept with more women than me. She teased that I’m “not a very good lesbian” (whatever that’s supposed to mean), but I argued that it’s really that she’s not as straight as she claims…

      • bazinga.
        How did she respond?

      • Nah, I say you’re both wrong: You’re definitely a “better” lesbian than she ever was or will ever be cuz being a lesbian is about being a lesbian not just banging a bunch of chicks. Thats called being a DUDE. She is clearly more than straight enough. She is the dictionary DEFINITION of a Straight Chick. Ain’t nothing new and ain’t nothing cute…[Read more]

    • I wish I could be more pleased for HNQ women about their increased freedom to enjoy relative sexual fluidity. However, as someone who has been used for purposes of sexual “tourism” and really hurt by it, I find myself more angry than anything else.
      I’m proud of my queer identity and don’t like people adopting it because it’s “cool” or makes them…[Read more]

      • ya in another way it also devalues female same sex relationships in a way because they can indulge in their sexual fantasy but not get involved romantically and indulge “in fad”

      • I understand the feelings (some of my straight female peers just love kissing me in night clubs, it get old), but maybe these women who currently identify as straight might also end up identifying as bi or queer later on in life?

        I’m saying this because as a teenager I checked both the boxes for “Straight” and “Fantasied about other women” on I…[Read more]

        • These statistics are really confusing. All of these women can’t just be closeted. I wonder what their idea of a sexual fantasy is.

          • The fantasy of being sexually pleasured rather than being a tool of pleasure?

            Lesbians know what they’re doing, straight men pile drive and go to sleep/ or have to be begged to do a sex act that doesn’t directly involve their Johnson dichotomy thing.
            I say dichotomy thing cause humans aren’t factory standard beings. We’re chock full of…[Read more]

    • This… is the story of my life lol it’s like every straight girl I meet nowadays wants to sleep with me (as I am the only non straight non butch they meet) and have had a few friends drunkingly mention it. It gets old fast.

      Doesn’t surprise me. But they all have the fantasy or want to do it (then chicken out) or they do it but no homo! yet I…[Read more]

      • Hey girl, hey! All my friends are in UdeM right now. :)) It’s a good uni, it ranks better than the one I attended, shame on me.

        Quebecker high five!

      • “I’d love to know how much of this is cultural and how much of it is just innate.”

        I recall a study which showed that lesbian fantasies are connected to androgen exposition in utero, but I doubt that’s the case of most of women from this latest study. I personally think that “innate fantasies” are the ones that get you off.
        It could be…[Read more]

    • Please never mention anything about racist/misogynistic PornHub on this site. Any information and any porn they produce belongs in hell.

      • Can you elaborate on that? I don’t know much about PornHub and am a bit nervous to google it..I’m using my grandfather’s computer and really don’t want it popping up in his search history.

    • Back when I was ‘straight’ I had kissed more girls than guys. Like WAY more. Oh youth.

    • I’ve read that Jen Sincero book. I saw it at friends house and years later bought it on kindle. She identifies as not straight and had the book for the straight women at swingers parties.

      • Vomit. I’d touch one of those yeasty bitches with a ten foot pole soon as I’d marry a man. Ugh Ugh Ugh!

    • This is amazing… So amazing. Next time I’m waiting in line in a cute café and I spot a girl staring at me from another table, instead of immediately wondering if I’ve got toilet paper stuck under my shoe, I’ll defo go “full swag on” and blink “Gay4U” in morse code.

    • The kind of article that fills up the heart of straight girl’s lovers with hope and joy, haha. Not sure if it’s good or bad…

    • This article really made me think (I do that ocassionally) about being a young person in the days without the internetz and the wonderful joy of actually seeing women kiss on TV. I don’t recall fantasizing about kissing women, but looking back I was instinctively drawn to women – hot teachers, best friends, and I devoured films with my favourite…[Read more]

      • This is me so much! Like, as a kid, I drooled over Xena, had obsessions where I wouldn’t stop talking about certain actresses, singers, really liked certain actresses faces and had certain girls I was desperate to be friends with and I even asked my parents if women could have babies together and as I got older, I still obsessed over female…[Read more]

      • My family never really watched Deep Space Nine while I was growing up. It must have just been casually on the TV one day, and I saw that kiss. It was the first time I saw two women kissing too! I haven’t seen that kiss since I was 9 years old, because, until this very moment, I couldn’t remember the TV show on which it happened. I only remembered…[Read more]

        • You’re very welcome! I’ve watched that kiss many times since and I don’t think about the circumstances around it anymore, just the fact that they are two ladies getting it on. There have been many, many ladies locking lips on my screen since then, some are hotter, but that particular one will always mean something.

    • The problem with fantasies is that it could mean different thing for different people. Very likely some people counted as sexual fantasies a mere wonder “how would that be”, even if they couldn’t come on those fantasies.

      I know a woman who struggled with her orientation for a long time. She said that she fantasized about men, but always to…[Read more]

      • I have never fantasied about a man. Even when I very much wanted to be straight. I never outgrew finding boys disgusting. It blows my mind that straight women are fantasizing about women. How is this possible? Do they understand what a sexual fantasy is?

        • Idk, I think everyone’s experience before coming out/reaching self-acceptance is different. For me, I was never repulsed by men – it was more like neutral/not stimulating lol. So even though being with men never felt right or exciting for me, since I didn’t feel a strong sense of disgust or feel repelled, it took me a long while to realize that…[Read more]

    • Great article, thanks!

    • Woo-hoo! More potential partners! Well, maybe. :p

    • This is so interesting and could mean so many things. Like, are these women just into the fantasy because it’s taboo or taboo-on-the-rise? Are these women bisexual heteroromantics? Or are they just in denial of their total homo-ness? I mean, it’s certainly a mix, but it’s still fun to try to parse out..

    • My best friend is a self-identified straight woman who has hooked up with women. She says she still IDs as straight because she a) is primarily interested in men and is married to a man, and b) doesn’t think she could ever go down on a woman. Like, that’s her criteria.

      Personally, I feel like if you have any level of legitimate interest in the…[Read more]

    • I’m on the fence about what to think of this.

      On one hand, I think it illustrates the sexual fluidity of human beings.

      On the other hand, I am wary of appropriation. I don’t want being “a little gay” (but only a little!) to become the next “trend.”* This kind of thing focuses on only the cute, socially-acceptable stuff you see on TV shows…[Read more]

      • Sexual fluidity means something completely different than you think. Here are quotes from the book “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire” of sex researcher Lisa M. Diamond, who coined that term and theory, drawing conclusions from her longitudinal research on a group of sexual minority women, which shows that sexual orientation…[Read more]

    • I’m really not surprised that 36.9% of the women surveyed said they would sleep with women. Women smell better and are hotter. Simple as that.

  • ThumbnailI can smell everything. Seriously, everything. If we’ve spent significant periods of time together, I probably could recognize you by scent. I drove my friends in New York crazy by refusing to enter delis with hot […]

    • lomy replied 3 weeks ago

      i was not emotionally prepared to see that bottle of sun-ripened raspberry body splash…i just wasnt ready

      also you know what else is amazing and refreshing for those times when you just cant with your sensory environment? facial sprays!

      • Riese replied 3 weeks ago

        i think if i smelled plumeria right now i might accidentally time travel myself back to 1995

      • I love unscented Febreze as my wife love garlic. I also love Downy because it will take wrinkles out of your shirts.
        I love it when people smell good. Why did this go out with our mothers? Or maybe it’s just a Lesbionic thing.Thanks for the tips for scents because I’ve been looking for a new one and definitely will try some of your suggestions.

    • This was such a helpful post! I’m one of those people who likes for everything to smell nice – which is why I bought the Autumn Bath and Body Works bucket! It includes Pumpkin Waffle hand soap, Pumpkin and Cinnamon shower gel, lotion, perfume, cupcake scented candles and more :)

    • I definitely have bonded over wisps with you

      • Abby replied 3 weeks ago

        everybody in this post gettin wispy

      • I’m pretty sure I have also bonded with you over wisps

      • My fellow wisp-ers, buy cheap and buy in bulk. You will not regret it.
        Check dollars stores and Bed Bath & Beyond type stores during the “back to school” season.

    • i used to spray the sun-ripened raspberry body splash on hot lightbulbs in my bedroom! that probably wasn’t a fire hazard, right?

      my most favorite scent things right now are:
      + Give Love oil diffuser
      + Febreze Toasted Almond wax melts
      + Mrs. Meyer’s Basil all-purpose cleaner/everything

    • I like to pop in a mint if I’m sitting next to an unfortunate smelling person. I live in New York, so it’s not a rare occurrence.

    • Dora replied 3 weeks ago

      I might have been a little bit obsessed with a certain pomegranate-scented range of Dona by Jo products. They were end of line clearance five-bucks-an-item cheap so I kinda bought one of everything. Also, one of the two roll on perfumes has female pheromones (as opposed to All Of The Pheromones in the mangosteen version) and it seems to work on…[Read more]

      • I still have some of the old Dona stuff around because I couldn’t help myself when they all went on clearance. But they have since come out with a new line of scents, and they have this one thats a blend of what used to be two separate scents, pomegranate and goji berry, and it is incredible I spent an unreasonable amount on all the products.…[Read more]

    • also linen spray! I make one with some essential oil (that I got for christmas, because I probably wouldn’t buy that shit for myself), it’s basically a little essential oil (I like lavender) + a tiny bit of vodka or rubbing alcohol + water in a cute little spray bottle (which you can find for like a dollar at CVS), and then if you washi tape that…[Read more]

    • I love Burberry Brit! I think my mom would find this post interesting. She does that thing where she says what stinks? And 5 other people in the room will say i dont smell anything. Lol.

    • Oils, bros. Oils. I’m not really into the whole essential oil fad thing, BUT I DO live by peppermint oil and I’m constantly using it, and constantly being told I smell like God.
      So find yourselves a great smelling oil, dab it on your pressure points, and that ish lasts and is more intense than most perfume.

      • I agree with you about the oils but they’re not a fad. Check out doTERRA Essential Oils. There is a lot of research to back essential oils up like the site AromaticScience.com. We deal with a lot of synthetics in our World and it’s nice to have tested, natural alternatives :)

    • Oh, how I envy people who can be around aerosolized or spray-based fragrances without immediately needing to lie on the ground with their inhaler. Asthma: it’s minor and unnoticeable until suddenly it’s really, really not.

      I definitely carry around toothpaste and a tiny folding toothbrush, though. A mouth can never really be too clean.

    • Abby replied 3 weeks ago

      wait so you don’t appreciate my bacon-flavored Axe spray?

    • Hat replied 3 weeks ago

      I may be living under a rock…in England…but I have never seen or heard of a wisp, whatever that is, and am mildly thankful as I fear missus would add them to the bank of dental hygiene threatening to tear the cabinet off the bathroom wall.
      I am a Palmers cocoa butter fiend, I like to smell like milky bars. I also like Waitrose fig and ginger…[Read more]

    • Mary replied 3 weeks ago

      I got this lotion for my birthday when I was like 12, and it was probably from some store at the mall that doesn’t exist anymore, and I can’t even remember the name of it, but I still remember exactly what it smells like. To this day, it’s my favorite thing I’ve ever smelled.

      I definitely remember people by their scent, too. Whether it’s their…[Read more]

    • Now that I know hair mist is a thing I feel so empowered. I could cross the threshold of a Subway on a road trip. I could walk near a fried chicken vendor. My whole world just opened up.

    • Lena replied 3 weeks ago

      I need to have air freshener in the house or else I would hole myself in my room all the time… or rather, more of the time than I already do.

      I didn’t use to wear perfume much, but now it’s become a real nice way to up my mood before I go to work everyday.

    • The only thing I don’t like about Wisps is that they do not contain fluoride. My dentist requires me to use prescription-strength toothpaste so full of fluoride that it’s definitely bioaccumulating in my fatty tissues. I just carry travel toothpaste and a little toothbrush in a case in my satchel.

    • Is it wrong that I want someone to make “sex in a bottle” perfume?? Cause I feel like this is a market that needs to be tapped you guys! Or maybe I’m just a weirdo… Either way it needs to happen.

    • Incense! I am currently living in a huge house with too many animals including my 3 cats who keep all four of their litter boxes in my one tiny room. No matter how often I empty their litter, it is a pervasive smell. Incense has saved my life…

    • Okay we are of the same mind with the wisps and travel toothpaste. I don’t care if people look at me funny because I am keeping all my teeth. Go ahead stare. I’ll be old and my teeth will be mine, all mine.

      Oh has anyone else kept a travel pack of listerine in their book-bag ect?
      I do but someone though it was because I was maybe a mouthwash…[Read more]

      • I am confident Febreeze is toxic. It is a chemical, it sticks to the inside of the nose, to the chemoreceptors and won’t let you smell anything else. The path to Cancer City is sprayed with that product.

    • Wet dog is one of my favorite smells, I think it’s because of childhood rain dances with my dog but may actually just be repressed adoration for Mike Wazowski.

      ps sorry if this doesn’t make sense and/or is irrelevant, I got very drunk this evening because I’m visiting my grandfather and he told me that climate change doesn’t exist and obama is…[Read more]

      • Gosh, I’m sorry! Sounds like an interesting family evening. :(

        I personally can’t stand the smell of wet dog… but I do like the sulfur smell that roughly resembles rotten eggs because it reminds me of trips to Mt. Hood and Yellowstone.

        • You do you! I can’t say that I’m all about that particular aroma, but I do have a bit of a thing for soy milk farts. it’s not so much that I enjoy the smell, more that I am extremely impressed by the body’s capacity to create such a deadly odor.

      • i actually think wet dog is one of my top 5 least favorite smells

    • I am not allowed to smell like anything at work because of GMPs. (But on the bright side for me, this means that makeup is neither allowed nor expected, and jeans and sweatpants are perfectly acceptable.)

      But candles! I love them! So cozy! Don’t mind me as I’m loitering in your yankee candle store… I just want to feast my nose on all of…[Read more]

    • I am a don’t sweat around me kind of gal. Sweat repulses me like nothing else. I am very much civilised urban woman regarding my own hygiene and others.

      jesus if it is something I cannot stand the smell of, it is sweat after a run, this trauma was enabled by my Father going for a run, and coming home and wrapping me up in his smelly strong arms…[Read more]

    • Other side note: I am jealous of your wonderful sense of smell. My nose is chronically stuffy, both as a result of allergies and bone structure. Today my allergist commented that I have a narrow nose. Unfortunately, antihistamines cannot cure a narrow nose.

    • I have a lot of feelings about this post and the fact that I have every one of these products in my bag atm but I have some hella strong feelings about meats being eaten in enclosed public spaces, especially when said meats are paired with an additionally smelly thing (i.e. onions, peperoncinis, garlic, mustard, chipotle sauce, etc.) its a danger…[Read more]

      • Smelly meat sandwiches should be banned from being consumed in public spaces. And KFC. I was once on a hellish greyhound bus ride from San Francisco to Seattle and it was only hellish because the guy in front of me was eating KFC on and off for the whole trip.

        Aside note, I’m fussy enough that if I don’t like how a food smells, I will refuse…[Read more]

    • I have partial anosmia. (Anosmia = inability to smell.) For the most part I can’t smell body odor, among other things, of any kind. There have been a couple random people in my life that I could smell, and they smelled wonderful. I will bury my face in their shoulder and deeply inhale whenever I get a chance to hug them.

      M’lady, on the other…[Read more]

      • However, it just occurred to me that I would likely need help picking out scents of stuff since I probably wouldn’t be able to smell it…(otherwise I’ll just buy lavender everything)

        Smell is complicated, ugh. I’m still learning that certain things even have scents..like cereal, cats, stuff made from real wood, laundry that was left in the…[Read more]

    • I like the Rose et Reines hair mist, personally. I have a fairly poor sense of smell (*insert “She smells bad!” pun here*), but I do worry about what I smell like to other people.

      Unfortunately, I suspect there are times when I’ve gone overboard with the perfume or lotion or what have you, but in the upside, that’s probably better than the…[Read more]

    • I had no idea hair mist existed.

    • Good god, I am this person. I over-Febreze, leave lit scented candles in my wake, and just memo’d myself to buy hair mist. (Because it’s obviously necessary?) I’m also having a random obsession with lighting Nag Champa in the evenings, which my housemates have been side-eyeing the shit out of me for. For perfume, favorites are sandal- and…[Read more]

    • I love smelling good and being in places that smell good.

      That said, I loathe the smell of Febreeze. I mostly use essential oils or occasionally a citrusy cologne.

      I’m pretty much always the first person in a room to complain about a smell. Haha.

    • This doesn’t really have to do with anything, but I used to sometimes put peppermint Burt’s Beeswax under my arms with my fingers when I ran out of deodorant. Also the tingly feeling made me feel cleaner haha.

    • omg i relate so hard to this. i can smell EVERYTHING. the first time i went to a festival i couldn’t stop retching every time i walked past a bin or a portaloo. i even have a similar story to the dead mouse in the couch (which, btw, i <3'd! died when i got to the diagram). when i was younger i told my parents (and anyone else who would listen)…[Read more]

    • I think I might be allergic to you. :(

    • I’m the unfortunate soul who is blessed with being a little extra keen to how everything smells, yet also having some sort of chemical sensitivity. Or something I’m allergic to, IDK what it is really. Basically if a lotion or something comes in unscented, that’s what I’m buying. I have to test sniff before buying any products that I use on or…[Read more]

  • ThumbnailWe’re putting together this list of the Top 100 Lesbian Movies Of All Time, a project which has involved a lot of surveying of other movie-watchers and has also required me to watch no less than 30 allegedly queer […]

    • I have seen two of these, am I trying too hard?

    • I watched Kiss Me when I was trying to absorb as much queer pop culture as possible prior to coming our (I’m not sure why, it just felt like the only thing to do), it’s pretty excellent (and also the plot hit home in a lot of ways for me.)

      Very excited to work my way through the rest of this list though, thanks heaps for compiling it!

    • your girlfriend Tasha has an incredible career in improvised hip-hoppin’ monologues and red leather jackets ahead of her


    • YAY! More to the list. My girlfriend and I previously made a list of lesbian movies to binge watch and we’ve only made it through like a third of the movies listed. Some good, some not so good, but we suffered through the representation together. I am a little tired of the same narrative of the girl who is already taken by someone and becomes…[Read more]

      • Carmilla makes me SO happy, and yeah, I like that it starts with women as opposed to a woman with a man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that story, but a wider variety of stories is good!

        • Yeah, I don’t mean that there’s anything wrong with that storyline, but there are so many more out there!

      • Madge replied 3 weeks ago

        the queer women there just are. They exist, and things happen, and their sexuality and queerness is just part of the deal.

        This is the reason I really enjoy Australian flick Love and Other Catastrophes. Cute film with some questionable acting here and there, but it has Frances O’Conner and Rahda Mitchell in it so I was happy.

      • Yes, Carmilla!

    • Thanks for this list! I’m always looking for good lezzie movies to watch especially now that hibernation period is coming. AND I just really liked to say that secrets/ha-sodot does not in any level compare to the trashy blue is warmest color movie. Maybe it’s just me because I really fucking hate that movie. (I feel very strongly about this apparently.)

      • oh i disliked blue is the warmest color too, i thought ha-sodot was much better

      • Beth replied 3 weeks ago

        We need an open thread about BITWC. I went to see it by chance not having heard anything about it, absolutely loved it with all my heart, and then afterwards read all this awful stuff about the director and now I really want to watch it again and I can’t bring myself to, so I got the graphic novel, which is so great, and I don’t GET why people…[Read more]

    • “Auf der Anderer Seit/Edge of Heaven” (2007, in German and Turkish)!!! It’s a wonderful movie about grief, migration, love and family with a lesbian relationship at the heart of it. Great soundtrack, too. It was Germany’s nominee for a best foreign film Academy Award.

    • Oh, I didn’t know that Angela Robinson wasn’t ok with the release of Girltrash. I watched it and really enjoyed it (I mean, lesbians + songs + trash = I’M IN).

      I recently saw All Cheerleaders Die with Caitlin Stasey, if you like nonsense funny/trashy things I totally recommend it.

      Also, one of my new teachers looks like the blond girl (too…[Read more]

      • Laura replied 3 weeks ago

        I really appreciated But I’m a Cheerleader. It’s the cheesiest thing ever, but I think it’s god a solid heart and message behind it. And I liked it plenty :)

    • I’ve seen “Circumstance”, but to be honest I didn’t watch it for the lesbian plot. I watched it for a look at young people living in Iran. I really like reading about the (attempted/attempting) cultural revolution going on there.

      • I did watch it for the lesbian plot, but it was an absolutely fascinating and enlightening film about Iranian culture.

    • Ahh awesome! Kiss Me and Farewell my Queen are my my standard PMS flicks. I’ll definitely be checking these out…

      • But maybe some of these aren’t SO melodramatic that they’re only good for PMSing, hahaha.

    • who’s afraid of vagina wolf is SO GREAT. it was funny and heartwarming and genuine and everything i want from a lesbi film. also papi from the l word looking de-lightful.

      i think what i liked the most about it was that it was centred around women who just sort of happened to be queer, and there was no apologetic need for male characters or a…[Read more]


    • Another Straddler here that has only watched Kiss Me. I liked it, I thought it was good. Will catch up on some of these..

    • Paige replied 3 weeks ago

      Save Spashley!

    • a/s replied 3 weeks ago

      am i the only lady in existence to intensely dislike kiss myg? i feel like we as a viewership have settled for poor production values, grotesquely bad acting, and super creepy relationship dynamics for so long that we now believe this is a fantastic standard.

      my top 100 list has about four movies on it and i have seen SO MANY OTHERS I CAN’T…[Read more]

      • Alcy replied 3 weeks ago

        Nope, I fully agree with you and for all the same reasons – unfortunately a lot of lesbian films fall short in those categories as well. I know I should support all the lady-lovin’ films I can get my hands on but my time is too precious to watch bad films.

      • Beth replied 3 weeks ago

        I credit Heavenly Creatures with making me queer. For sure.

        • a/s replied 3 weeks ago

          my sexuality was also movie-inspired! i knew i liked girls when i watched but i’m a cheerleader, but it made me realize that i would be disappointed to have a boy for a lover if we ever watched a great lesbian movie like that together. i had no idea there WERE no other great lesbian movies like that and i needn’t have worried.

          oh, the boys i…[Read more]

      • Riese replied 3 weeks ago

        “i feel like we as a viewership have settled for poor production values, grotesquely bad acting, and super creepy relationship dynamics for so long that we now believe this is a fantastic standard.”

        i actually agree with this wholeheartedly. like i suggested in the intro, i started to feel like after two weeks of watching lesbian movies (which…[Read more]

        • a/s replied 3 weeks ago

          yes, i think we are coming from roughly the same place, which was why i was looking forward to checking out your endorsements. i am still going to check these all out, and i’m actually glad you included kiss myg. it’s like finding a pristine bowl of candies in the sewer with one nugget of poop nestled in the mix: lower your expectations, it seems…[Read more]

          • yup, that’s exactly it!

            if you haven’t seen Saving Face yet, check that out. That’s definitely gonna be in the top 5 of the top 100, it’s actually great.

            • i think i watched that one when it came out, and it didn’t make me want to fall asleep/die. i will definitely revisit!

    • I will surely look into these titles :)! I mean there are some other amazing lesbian movies that you surely could get into it

    • Ava replied 3 weeks ago

      Wait, “It’s In the Water” ISN’T about a town where people become gay from drinking the water? We watched this at a gay-straight alliance movie night when I was in college and I totally thought that’s what it was about. (Or maybe I was distracted because the girl I liked was talking to me and we left the movie after about 20 minutes.…[Read more]

    • Love this list! And many of these movies!

      Have to put Bumblef*ck USA and Girltrash on my watch list!

    • S. replied 3 weeks ago

      Love the list!

      I might add one bittersweet comedy to that list: Joe + Belle by Veronica Kedar with Sivan Levy, that I have seen during a queer film festival in Paris a couple of years ago.

      You should check on it, I love rewatching it at times ;)

    • Alcy replied 3 weeks ago

      It’s a stretch to call most of these films ‘pretty great.’ The list of ‘pretty great’ lesbian films is pretty small. Especially Girltrash – like you I caved in and watched it. It was truly, truly awful and I can see why Angela Robinson doesn’t want to be associated with it. It really didn’t need to be on the list.

      • AGREED. I just watched Girltrash last night (because I’ve seen basically all the other dyke movies on Netflix…) and it was horrible. I was especially dubious that the ONE non-white character is a black woman just released from prison who spends the entire movie calling people “bitches” and threatening to assault them. I don’t know if I was more…[Read more]

    • Peggy replied 3 weeks ago

      I have Bumblef*k USA and Kiss Myg at home. Liked both of them.

      Another good one i think is Spanish movie Eloïse, a coming out story which i liked a lot because of the chemistry between the two leads.

      She monkeys is another Swedish one, which i liked.

      And i also bought, purely to support our LBGT bookstor in town : The four faced liar ,…[Read more]

    • Beth replied 3 weeks ago

      I saw Circumstance when it came out and it blew me away. Absolutely stunning, and heartbreaking.

      Also the soundtrack is amazing. Check out Be Nam Zaan by Farinaz – it was the soundtrack to my summer last year.

    • I watched It’s in the Water for free on Hulu a while ago and thought it was ok, but probably not something I would rewatch, but for some reason I was thinking of it the other day, so now after seeing this list I will probably go watch it again.

    • Sam replied 3 weeks ago

      Ooh, I hadn’t even heard of some of these, yay new films for my list! The only one I’ve seen is Kyss Mig, which I really like.

      Also, I think we need a film where the water in a town turns everyone gay. That could be fun.

    • The best ever post , a lot of those I didn’t see yet,thank you so much.

    • Lexi replied 3 weeks ago

      Am I really the only one that HATED Imagine Me and You!?!?! I just can’t take the lackluster, it’s already been done a million times storyline. I loved But Im a Cheerleader, Better than Chocolate (LOVE), Loving Annabelle, Room in Rome (the music is awful/repeats but some parts are just so cute…plus they are nude pretty much the whole movie…)

    • Jamie replied 3 weeks ago

      Ah yes, “Kiss Me,” the movie that forced me to come recognize quite how gay I actually am!

    • Erin replied 3 weeks ago

      I have this secret fantasy where all the AS writers do normal everyday stuff in The Gayest Way Possible and the image of Riese “doing accounting” while halfheartedly watching dozens of lesbian movies pleases me greatly.

    • Another one who used Kiss Me as a tool for levering myself out of the closet.

    • circumstance is legitimately one of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen. like, the chemistry between Sarah Kazemy and Nikohl Boosheri is A++++ and the score/soundtrack/cinematography/script/=everything

      [a substantial % of my netflix is def ~Romantic Drama with a Strong Female Lead~]

    • I have seen all but 2 of these. I don’t even consider myself a lesbian film zealot, film zealot, yes. I am quite insecure after reading the comments. Truly thought they would be filled with “We’ve seen all these..” Or even ” I think you meant 7 movies we all have seen, let’s discuss…” Now I feel like a weirdo. Must go edit netflix queue immediately.

      • you’re not a weirdo! my girlfriend and heather hogan are two other humans who have also seen ALL THE LESBIAN MOVIES. also i think kaelyn has seen a ton of lesbian movies, and i think kate has too

    • Lins replied 3 weeks ago

      I really enjoyed “It’s in the Water” and remember when I first saw it, immediately searching Autostraddle to see if there was a post on it. And now there is!

      Very excited for the upcoming Top 100 post. :)

    • JC replied 3 weeks ago

      Everything Relative is a great lesbian movie. The clothes and even some of the politics are dated, but the relationships between the friends is solid.

    • Thanks for this list. I’m really into lesbian movies and trying to find decent ones- I appreciate there are a couple on there I haven’t seen.

      I also appreciate the non-promotion of Girl Trash. As an outsider I didn’t feel I had enough information to knowledgeably take sides, but their odd behavior on the interwebs really favored Angela’s…[Read more]

      • I meant that double entendre ;) jk what I actually meant was the usual awesome fun dialectical perspective.

    • I’m happy that so many of these are on Amazon because now I can slowly torture myself by watching them slowly during my bus commute on my kindle. Win

    • I am the weirdo who makes everyone watch Leading Ladies and cooes over the femme love interest (also I met the director and the actress who plays Taci at the premier and they were delightful)

    • From the list, I’ve only seen Who’s afraid of Vagina Wolfe? I liked it, but I doubt I’ll watch it again. The main character annoyed me. I have a low tolerance for people who whine about how they don’t have a partner and then treat the person who has a crush on them in a shitty manner.

    • I’m echoing the appreciation for Circumstance. It really was a beautiful, moving film. That one and Pariah were probably my two favorites of the past year. (I don’t know when they were made, but my two favorites of what I’ve personally watched in the past year.)

    • Who’s Afraid of Vagina Wolf was SO so so so good. It’s four dollars right on your debit card to watch it. Carve out a few hours and see it!

    • I watched and loved “It’s in the Water” back in the 90s. That line, “you don’t want to kiss me” “why not?” “because you’re gonna like it” was a favorite of mine! But, I tried to rewatch it sometime this decade, and it just doesn’t hold up.

      Also, I originally watched Lianna on VHS. VHS you guys!!I rewatched it recently-ish and it holds up pretty well.

    • CONGRATS Mandy Musgrave & Matt Cohen!!! MISTY is having a baby boy!!! get trashed and celebrate! http://www.girltrashallnightlong.com
      Here is Mandy at OUTFEST 2014 supporting GIRLTRASH: All Night Long.
      GIRLTRASH is out and available for all to enjoy.

  • HELLO and welcome to the 151st installment of Things I Read That I Love, wherein I share with you some of the longer-form journalism/essays I’ve read recently so that you can read them too and we can all know more […]

    • Mind. Blown.

      And I realize that I didn’t specify which article I am referring to, but let’s face it – that refers to all of the articles.

    • Thank you for sharing these writings with us. They look interesting esp. F e r g u son.

  • ThumbnailWelcome to the sixth recap of the second season of Faking It, an operetta about lesbian love and home decor brought to you by the same network that brought you Is She Really Going Out With Him?

    We open in […]

    • “Have you ever heard of Jodi Lerner? Your work is just so reminiscent of her mixed-media sculpture-related explorations, I truly believe you’d have so much to learn from each other.”

      Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

      This show though. Thank god for Lauren. I’m still going to complain that it’s taking til episode 7 of the second season to get Amy some…[Read more]

    • Literally, almost every episode I cry for Amy’s life except this one. It’s a nice change to see Amy finally “meet” Reagan. Damn, she’s hot.
      And cheers for Lauren.

    • Hands down Lauren was the best part of this episode. A-dorable.

    • MAKE OUT AT LAST!!!! (almost…)

    • My predictions for next episode:
      – Karma will see Amy & Reagan together and realize how shallow her relationship with Liam is.
      – Karma will be jealous of Amy’s affection for Reagan.
      – Karma will vie with Reagan for Amy’s attention. She’ll attempt to show how much better she is for Amy with things like the epi-pen.
      – Liam will be jealous of…[Read more]

    • YES!
      I can’t process anything else about this episode other than Lauren’s outfit in the beginning of the party reminds me of Sherilyn Fenn in Two Moon Junction.

    • Lauren on ecstasy is my favourite kind of TV.

    • A+ grey gardens reference

    • Lauren is definitely my fave. Also I’m sooooo not here for Liam and Karma taking up screen time. Show, you promised us gay. Bring us gay.

    • I somehow missed the promo clip of Fifth Harmony so when the first notes of “The Right Stuff” started I flailed so hard I almost dropped my laptop on the floor. Then I realized that these kids would not have even been born yet when that song came out, like not nearly. And NKOTB is officially vintage now, I guess? I am so old.

      Also: Amy is 16,…[Read more]

      • On another site someone looked this up. Texas has a Romeo/Juliet law that allows people within three years of each other to have a sexual/romantic relationship.

        • Thanks for the info! I can now rest easy that two fictional characters can legally date each other. ;)

        • Unfortunately I think that only applies to opposite-gender couples; Texas specifically has a stipulation that the two people cannot be prohibited from marrying each other in order for the Romeo/Juliet defense to apply, and gay marriage is banned in Texas. Probably not for very long – you know it’s only a matter of time – but as of right now, a…[Read more]

      • I feel differently about the age thing when it’s between two women, honestly? maybe because i know a lot of people who had relationships with women over 18 when they were under 18… but also i knew a lot of 16-year-old girls with 18 or 19-year-old boyfriends when i was in high school, too, and nobody found it odd. i thought 16 was the age of…[Read more]

    • Lauren is amazing!!!! I really want to know what Theo’s deal is. He has a secret and I can’t wait to find out what it is.

      Also I can’t wait for more Reamy! *sigh* your first real girl hook up who is a person who is also really attracted to girls and not just messing with your head. It’s a beautiful thing.

    • Once I was out with this girl I had a girl crush on and we went to the second hand music store to thrift some never-heard-of-indie albums.

      At some point she was digging some synth-alternative-pop-new-age band and she said : “Here try!” and she put the headphones on my head.

      Forget nipple clips, I have a headphones fetish.

    • “here now you’ll never have to hear a man speak ever again”

    • I’m really trying to understand why there was no post with cats and kittens in tiny costumes for National Cat Day…I’m a little disappointed and don’t know where else to air my grievances :)

    • So Rita is oficially bactracking now from her words that Amy is lesbian which is something she and Covington talked about and they “don’t want people to feel like they can relate to this vulnerable process that she’s going through, and they can relate to this girl because she’s a lesbian and then have that taken away, like, “Oh, never mind, you…[Read more]

      • I agree. A show that pretends to positively portray queer teenagers can’t have a truly gay female character… :/

        • Whoa, back up. Did you mean to say that the only people who are “truly gay” are those who never HD sex with the opposite gender?

          (I mean, I’m also sick as shit of the “lesbian sleeps with a dude” storyline… But yeahhh.)

          • I can’t speak for Natalie, but I just wanted to say that after Amy saying (after being showed to be clearly sexually attracted to Brazilian guy) that guys make her body react against her brain and turn her into “sexual Hulk”, and Covington confirming that was the reason why she had sex with Liam, unless you want to argue that lesbians crave sex…[Read more]

    • There are so many screencaps in this recap that I would class as Junior Mint Imperative (JMI), yet no mention. What do these poor kids have to do to get someone to chuck a miniature, chocolate-enveloped mint treat into their mouths?

    • soo random observation:

      Lauren seems to have the same shitty attitude she always has had, but now it’s cool and awesome because she’s intersex?


      • It’s cool and awesome because she’s got great comedic timing and is genuinely a funny character. I don’t think people are suddenly seeing her as some kind of perfect being – she’s got depth now, and she’s funny as hell as the “complicated antagonist”.

        • Bailey the best actor on the show by a long shot. I know that’s what I respond to – you’re right that her comedic timing is great. I also thinking viewers enjoy ‘mean’ jokes. That’s why so many people also love Shane just as much, and he’s done/said plenty of crap too.

    • This episode made me outraged because it was a Friday night and Amy said she still had time to catch Colbert. COLBERT IS ON MONDAYS-THURSDAYS.

      It’s like MTV doesn’t have a fact checker. HOW DARE THEY.

      My boycott starts right now.

    • ‘When I had my first boyfriend it was more like I got my first car and I knew it was a stick when I got it and I can’t drive stick but I got it anyway and then was like, damn, I can only go like ten feet in this car.’

      This comment made my whole week. Thank you :)

    • Amy is being so selfish. That’s what friends do. They talk about their boyfriends/girlfriends to each other. It would be different if Amy complained about Karma ruining her night with all of those calls, but she didn’t. She said she couldn’t “handle it.” She told Karma she was okay and wanted to go back to the way things were. We, as viewers, know…[Read more]

      • I think that it would be better for Karma to find a straight
        friend who’s not in love with her to talk about the Liam
        drama. I’m pretty sure that would solve the problem. I’ve
        had straight girl crushes and had to keep from rolling my
        eyes everytime they talked about their bf’s.

    • For the record, I am a DJ and I have never ever in my life taken my headphones off my head to put on a cute girl’s head. Maybe that’s why I am single? Or more likely, maybe that’s why I am actually a good DJ. :P

  • HELLO and welcome to the 150th installment of Things I Read That I Love, wherein I share with you some of the longer-form journalism/essays I’ve read recently so that you can read them too and we can all know more […]

    • Um, so, everything about the, “nipster,” movement is mildly (to wildly) terrifying. For serious, yikes. Yikes all around.

      Also kind of a different note, but I’m SUPER bummed that Total Nightmare Neo Nazi Guy Number One has a sidekick who goes by Vendetta whilst wearing a Guy Fawkes mask.
      Because roses.

    • Beth replied 1 month ago

      Isn’t it scary to think about the possibility that they find out how to stop ageing…but when our generation (whatever your generation is) is, say, 70. So we have aged, as naturally as one does by, say 2085. But the people younger than us have stopped. So there’s this dying breed of the last generation of proper wrinkly oldish people! And maybe…[Read more]

      • mon replied 1 month ago

        haha you don’t think they would have applied this thing to the old people too? so they’ll be perpetually 70? not that aging will be eradicated, i’m sure cost will come into it :/

    • any time an economy struggles, i find, the citizens will become intolerant and divisive. Once i finish my bachelors i hope to get my masters in Germany. Its free education is an incredibly attractive deal. But if the economy continues its fluctuation, i predict these “nipster nazis” gaining even more members. As a gay African, needless to say, its…[Read more]

    • Mary replied 1 month ago

      I don’t think I could tolerate listening to the radio for more than 10 minutes at a time if Nicki Minaj didn’t exist

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