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  • ThumbnailToday I ordered a plain iced coffee from McDonald’s and they gave me an iced coffee full of cream and sugar, so let that be a lesson to you. I’m not sure what the lesson is, but there are definitely at least two […]

    • happy national be nice to a rat day! #benicetoarat #nice #rat

    • weirdly captivated by the showerbeer article.

    • So wait, You don’t have to be in college to enjoy a showerbeer? I thought the days of showerbeers were behind me. No, they’re not? Oh rejoice! I might have to go enjoy one right now. I already showered and spent a ridiculously long time on my hair but showerbeer.

      • showerbeer is best after a long saturday morning of housecleaning. it’s maybe the only logical thing to do after so much housecleaning. you will never, I SAY YOU SHALL NEVER, outgrow the showerbeer.

    • informal poll, which do y’all like more, showerbeer or bathtub wine?

      (I am personally a showerbeer person, but my bestfriend/former roommate was an avid bathtub winer)

      • i feel like these are such distinctly different things, like, can i be both? must i choose? IS THE ENTIRE WORLD A BINARY THAT WILL EVENTUALLY CRUSH MY HEART? brb, gonna go drink in a body of water and think about it.

        • YOU CAN BE BOTH. YOU CAN BE EVERY PERMUTATION YOU WOULD LIKE. I should not have imposed my binary experience on you! what moves you to have a bathtub wine, and what other things move you to have a showerbeer, and what other other things move you to have a showerwine and if you do that do you use a wineglass or like a container with a narrower…[Read more]

      • shower beer alone, bathtub wine with friends is my experience. in case we feel like starting an art form about it.

      • I feel strongly about not having to choose

        • i’m anti-bath, personally, but i’m also against anyone having to choose between bathwine or showerbeer.

      • Showerbeer forever.

      • bathbeer? showerwine?

    • Reclaim the witch.
      I love that so much. I hope everyone is kind of scared of our hexes.

    • I was seriously just having a debate with myself over whether or not to have a showerbeer tonight! Definitely going for it now.

    • For those who still watch “Once Upon a Time”: apparently Emma and Regina like to pretend that they’re married.

    • 10 Essential Animated Movies That Are Absolutely Not for Kids – Surprised “The Fox and the Hound” is not on this list. I refuse to see it. Nope. Can’t. Wont.

      “The Grave of the Fireflies” though. Ugh. I can never recommend that one enough.

    • An ice cream cone for coffee. Lined in chocolate. This is genius.

    • I can’t express how excited i am for coffee in cup! Mix this with Carmen’s advice to drink more coffee to better your health and everything is right with the world!

    • I love that “fond of her health” and “a real pal” we’re euphamisms for queerness… If only my mother hadn’t instilled the importance of yearly physicals and being kind to everyone. IF ONLY.

      Also, I definitely went to the bodega across the street for a beer so I could partake in the joy that is showerbeer

    • Hmmm, maybe people need to be reminded about the AS Events thingy? I don’t know.. One time I tried creating an event and couldn’t find the page until I came into an AAA post and clicked the link here…

    • Why aren’t we talking about the Clarke and Alexa kiss on The 100?

    • I’m clearly missing out on something by not ever having had a shower beer.

  • feature image via shutterstock

    Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

    Q: A month ago I broke up with my (now ex) girlfriend of a year and a half. And it […]

    • Rachel, you are my queen.

      This is also very applicable for people who have been broken up with and are wondering if they should beg for forgiveness/somehow try to worm their way back into the other person’s life and/or are pining after them.

      Not that I would know anything about that…

    • There is no such thing as The One. There are a series of Possible Ones who will come in and out of your life, and some will stick around, and some won’t.

      Every relationship ends until one doesn’t.

    • I am a huge fan of the “know what you want no seriously know what you want” note this ends on, though I might be biased since I just always wanna answer you need helps by saying that 100 times.

    • Rachel you are so good at compassion and writing and things it’s amazing.

      I totally agree that it’s wayyy more likely that someone will stay in a relationship that is unhealthy for them then break up with someone when they shouldn’t, esp. with first loves. Also when it comes to this all or nothing thinking, if it turns out y’all were soul…[Read more]

    • If this is your first long term relationship your first break up will be really really hard but probably for the best. I spent like 4 of the 5 years of my first LTR wondering if we could last when we got together so young and hadn’t had all the experiences we wanted to have and, surprise! we couldn’t. I still love her very much and sometimes, even…[Read more]

    • rachel, you’re amazing. this is such good advice, especially since my answer would legitimately have been “hmm, i don’t know. maybe eat ramen for lunch and dinner for three weeks and see how you feel? also, here’s a copy of drake’s discography.”

    • I gotta say, it sounds like maybe you guys would be better friends (once some time passes). Then you wouldn’t have to be naggy and she’s less likely to get annoyed. I am best friends with my First Great Love and that was the best decision. That breakup was the hardest thing I’ve done in my whole life, but now she’s still in my life, just in a more…[Read more]

      • My ex is named Erin and she broke up with me and broke my heart but now we are best friends just like you say here and it is awesome and we are both better for it! You’re also named Erin but not my ex so that’s cool/weird.

    • If it was your first relationship and you have felt drawn to trying other experiences, breaking up was the right thing to do, because otherwise you will always wonder. But I think it’s also important to realize that ALL relationships will eventually move past the honeymoon stage, problems will present themselves, and spontaneous passion will…[Read more]

    • I always remind myself when I regret a big hard thing I do that I don’t have to figure out if it was the right thing immediately. A month or two after something happens I still have a billion fears and no perspective. The only thing that seems to help with that is remembering that if I did do the wrong thing, I’ll be better equipped to fix it…[Read more]

    • First relationships are rarely the last. Also, dating around, a bunch of different people can be a) fun and b) educational.

      Does breaking up hurt both people? Of course it does. That pain is part of the process.

      It has been my experience, though, that if you get to the point where you’re wanting to break up, and the idea will not leave you…[Read more]

    • I want a miniature version of Rachel to follow me around à la Jiminy Cricket, complete with coat and tails, please.

    • I feel as if this advice question/response was written for my current situation. It’s almost exactly the same except that our relationship was one of my ex’s firsts with a female-bodied person, not her very first. Who knows, maybe she did submit this.

      Although I’m the one in the relationship who finally ‘ended it’ she was trying to end it for…[Read more]

    • I get excited every time I see a new YNH column! Autostraddle has a bunch of wise people working for it.

    • The facts: things were getting worse for a few months and you stuck around (probably hoping for improvement), and improvement didn’t happen. Things weren’t just getting worse in one way (i.e. a lack of passion), they were getting worse in a lot of ways: the passion was gone, AND you were both annoying the hell out of each other. Also, you were…[Read more]

  • ThumbnailI told her upfront, possibly even in the OkCupid profile, that I wasn’t looking for a longterm relationship. I said I wanted a friend who would go places with me (by which I meant that I wanted a friend who could […]

    • Saw your tweets here I am <3

      I was about to go to sleep actually but who needs that when you've got a middle of the night Autostraddle post?

      • “saw your tweets here i am” is probably the best thing a person could say to another person so THANK YOU for that <3

    • i’m super pumped about the eggplant/black, like i’m sitting on a quilt with similar color concepts right this minute and it feels good. IT FEELS LIKE LOVE. you know what else feels like love? this post.

      i think what you said about the wedding vows feelings is spot-on, i was nodding like YES. i think that people say these words because these…[Read more]

      • “i think that people say these words because these are the best words, the words we’ve all decided upon for centuries forever and ever amen.”


        “i mean think about how long it takes to write an email.”

        yes. this is how i’ll talk myself down off the ledge every time i find myself on it. the officiant sent the first draft of the script…[Read more]

        • As a person who has dj’d 100s of weddings you will totes be fine with an ipod for background music. also i think there is a setting in itunes that fades songs to cut out the intros and such. you can set that up on the dance playlist and be fine. you will be fine.

    • Hello Laneia this post inspired several near-meltdowns (OH MY GOD WHAT ARE ESCORT CARDS DO I NEED THEM!?) (A: no) but now I have found my chill and feel incredibly blessed that we’re all on this wild wedding planning ride together and that I get to read your thoughts and feelings about every little wedding thing. also I’m really feeling what…[Read more]

      • i wish you could tell me if i need escort cards!! but i guess life is a journey and only i know if i need escort cards.

        • If you have more than 20ish people and there are place cards, you proooobably need escort cards. It’s not necessary, though. I like them, though, because they can be really pretty? You can string them up on ribbon/string, or you can have them attached to favors laid out on a table, or you can hang them like garland? So many things to do with…[Read more]

          • But also you don’t NEED anything, like as long as you technically/legally get married, you can have group yoga catered by ben and jerry as a reception. Like, you do you.

            • “group yoga catered by ben and jerry” if my legs didn’t go numb every time I try to do yoga, this would be the plan for my wedding.

      • there was something always romantic and exciting about the idea of planning my wedding – getting to decorate and throw a big party and i’m at the center of it! and then i realized that i hate being the center of attention and party details are complicated and oh my god how is this tiny wedding even this expensive already and WHY AM I DOING THIS -…[Read more]

        • also i don’t know why this showed up as a reply to crystal’s comment, but it did. and crystal, i love you, if you ever want to panic with me, you know where i’m at.

      • I feel you guys need (meaning I really want you) to do a wedding roundtable… unfiltered, panicky, irrational, all of the love-angst stuff.

    • This series might be the only thing about weddings I ever willingly read.

    • Because of circumstances, my ladyperson and I had to bring our wedding-type-thing forward from when-hell-freezes-over to approx 7 weeks ago. It was tricky to balance our desire for a patriarchy-snubbing non-event with the rabid expectations of our families.

      So, I can empathise very much with your mixed feelings about the whole marriage…[Read more]

      • Laneia replied 5 days ago


        megan is really into your advice to fuck gifts and ask for cash.

    • I love that this is happening. Also, I just wanted to validate your feeling that some couples will be perfectly comfortable in <20 square feet of space. Like the bed my girlfriend and I share is wayyyy less than 20 square feet, and we do just fine.

      • Laneia replied 5 days ago

        thank you this is v validating!

        • BUT ALSO the 10 ft rule is actually useful: it’s so that everyone has room to get to/from and up/down from their chairs without banging into other people. Like, that’s all they need to be able to do in the space allotted them. So basically just don’t make it so that someone has to climb through a bush to get to where they’re sitting!

    • “…speaking her language is like a party in my heart.”

      I am so happy about this wedding deal and also super anxious with you because WOW there is so much to think about! (how DO you know if an idea was really yours or something from Pinterest?) But, I am sending positive, productive, and calming vibes into the universe for you!

      Also,…[Read more]

      • Laneia replied 5 days ago

        thank you for these vibes alaina! i wish we could register for like “more storage space in our kitchen” because then i would have somewhere to put a new blender bc you’re right, a new blender would be really nice.

    • First, congratulations.
      Second, “Deep Inside a Wet, Overgrown Forest” may be the gayest wedding theme I have ever heard of and I love it.

    • Do you ever just think about it too long and the whole concept of a wedding just seems…I don’t know…totally fucking weird?

      • I just think it as a big ass party.

      • Laneia replied 5 days ago

        no yeah it seems pretty fucking weird. it’s almost like you’re bragging about your relationship, which of course we’d never actually do. but like shenae said, i’m just pretending it’s a party. a really important party where i’m asking some people i care about to publicly acknowledge how much i care about someone else… so yeah super weird but also ok!

    • You are a lot bravier then I ever was.my brain couldn’t handle all the details that go Into a wedding.. Thus my wife and I got married at s.f. hall by the Harvey milk statue. Me in my wedding dress and her in her amazing suit.. Extra kuddos for planning a wedding, being married is awesome!

    • Congratulations! This is so exciting and heart-pounding and I’m glad you’re bringing us right along with you. You know you CAN have your mom or friend or whoever officiate your wedding, right? People do it all the time. http://www.onbeing.org/blog/an-unofficial-guide-to-officiating-a-wedding-of-nones/7236

      • Laneia replied 5 days ago

        yes! we thought about this but ultimately decided that we wanted our friends and family to just be our friends and family that day. but yeah it’s crazy how relatively easy it is to make yourself into a person who can perform legal weddings! especially in arizona — it’s truly the wild west out here.

    • Yay, Congrats Laneia and Megan!

      Re: gifts. Gifts make me super uncomfortable, and when Abby and I started planning our wedding she had to convince me that we needed to register somewhere (where that is: still undecided) because the gifts aren’t even really about us? It’s about our guests feeling like they have a hand in launching us, is what…[Read more]

      • Laneia replied 5 days ago

        “because the gifts aren’t even really about us? It’s about our guests feeling like they have a hand in launching us”

        ali this is really beautiful! i’ve never thought of it that way but you’re right. and everything else you said about the other people knowing you both well enough that they wouldn’t feel obligated. i feel very calm right now.

    • Oh, well this is one of the best things about love I have ever read in my whole life.

    • laneia i love you so much and this is great, you’re great. i think eggplant is gonna look great and i’m super into the moss, like it’s obvs fine if the moss doesn’t work out but how perfect, a moss oasis in the desert bc of love.

      i don’t think you need to worry that much about the dj or about whether it’s a hangout time or dance time! i think…[Read more]

      • As someone who you can always count on to spill things on fancy occasions, I approve of not having white cloths to show off how clumsy your guests may be.

        I have so many feelings about weddings right now. Thanks for sharing your experience!

      • “i think that the natural flow of life will determine the quotient of dancing to hanging out. i feel strongly that that part of it is gonna be just fine.”

        this was very reassuring.

      • doesn’t michael’s sell moss in bags? idk if this is cost-prohibitive.

        • It might be. Even in rolls wholesale, it can be kind of expensive? But I think if you got some of the bags of it and then tuck it around potted flowers/succulents it’d be not so bad price-wise.

    • You will be fine. I planned my wedding in 4 months from abroad. Flight delayed for two days due to snow. Got home 4 days before the wedding to find out the dress was too small, and got a new one for $30 at Ross, I think it was. Like, it will all work out just fine. We ordered good pizza and salad and a root beer keg, and had blue solo cups. And it…[Read more]

    • Congratulations! I’m really excited to read your updates. My wife and I got married (okay, civil partnered, whatever) two years ago and we had pretty much a regular Irish wedding, except it was two sexy ladies (if I may say myself) and we had a personalised ceremony rather than the traditional Church one (obvs).

      I know attitudes and…[Read more]

      • well obvs i had to look up the word craic and just wow, that’s a damn perfect word.

        also this is all such great advice! i keep reading that the main thing is to feed the guests and take some time for ourselves, so i’m putting big neon lights around those things on my list.

        megan’s sister has hired a photographer for us as a wedding gift,…[Read more]

        • It’ll be fine! You should both meet her for a coffee (or at least exchange emails if distance is an issue) and talk about what’s important for you. If you prefer a reportage style then go with that. If there are family and friend combinations and portraits that you absolutely must capture, make a list for her. Are there any moments (sand ceremony,…[Read more]

    • OMFG, thank you for validating all my wedding feelings. We just bought our dresses this weekend, and my partner isn’t wearing white, so now I have to coordinate our whole color scheme around her dress, which is a pale blue/greenish color called “seaglass”.

      Also gifts! So effing awkward. We’re two adults who’ve been on our own for a long time,…[Read more]

      • “We’re two adults who’ve been on our own for a long time, so we have two entire houses full of stuff.”

        yes! i just looked into zola last night because they have a honeymoon/cash fund option, but i haven’t heard of anyone else using it. also like, i could use some new blinds for the one living room window, if we’re being super honest.

        what…[Read more]

        • my best friend used honeyfund for her honeymoon registry and everyone who attended thought it was a really cute and clever idea and they ended up going to portland!

    • This is so exciting! Congrats Laneia and Megan! Your wedding already sounds beautiful. I see your vision Laneia and I like it, a lot! Thanks for sharing all your wedding feelings, I’m sure I’ll revisit this column whenever I’m planning mine.


    • Your confusion and stress makes me feel better about the fantasy wedding that I plan on pinterest and freak out about. BTW I’m not engaged. Also I want to attend a bridal expo just for fun. Is that weird? #allmyfriendsareengaged

      • PLEASE kid! I recently started buying bridal magazine after friggin bridal magazine like a crackhead man. At first I felt kind of self conscious cuz I’m not engaged either but like..so what. It’s time for me to think about these things. And more importantly, I like the friggin pretty pictures.

        • I recently drunkenly told one of my married friends that I have a secret wedding pinterest board and she reassured me that one of our other college roommates had a wedding board long before she was engaged too. Everything is so pretty! I just love all the pretty things!

          • Life pro tip: become a wedding designer and you can just say your wedding board is for work haHA

      • I hit 30 and realized I do want to get married one day after all, but I am also single and therefore am sure it’s nit happening. … and yet I think my future wedding is completely planned in my head including the dress so yea, not weird at all…. I would hit a bridal expo if I wasn’t sure someone would ask about my wedding and I’d crack!

    • Your description of your prior idea of getting married in TN with the lightening bugs and stuff made me almost want to get married in TN (my parents live in rural Southeastern Tennessee).

    • It doesn’t matter how many things I read or watch about queer weddings, they always always always make me cry. Even if they’re not super emotional.

      I’M just super emotional, what can I say.

    • I’m in the middle of wedding season at work right now and this was a wonderful breath of fresh air from all of the aggressive heterobullshit I deal with daily.

    • What if Eli was the DJ. I hear dubstep is great for parties.

    • This is my favorite and I love how Autostraddle is very relevant to my current life things at the moment.

      We were going to wait to get married but mostly because we wanted to get married in Kansas and then it was legalized and we were like, “Okay, now we will plan a wedding in <two months." It turned out so lovely and I had the best time, and…[Read more]

      • aaaaaah congratulations! the more i hear about people planning these things in less than six months, the better i feel about everything. THANK YOU.

    • My best advice, after 10 weddings as Bridesmaid and one as the Best Man is: Be the Best Man. That shit is a breeze.

      Relevant to you? Deep breathing into paper bags is totally a thing that helps.

      Re: Gifts: Recently a couple I stood up for just said “if you want to get us something, here is a way to contribute to our honeymoon.” And another…[Read more]

    • Laneia your wedding sounds like it will be fantastic & wonderful & lovely and like everyone will have a great time celebrating you and Megan. but also somehow your feelings are making me actually want to get married at some point, so I guess in [X] years when I am stressin’ about my wedding I can come back to this piece and feel…[Read more]

    • I don’t want to make anyone here feel bad but why would there not be dancing how could there not be dancing there will be dancing I will it so.

      • ok but should i rent a dance floor or will they just dance in the grass.

        • I’ve never let grass stop me from dancing before.

        • Grass dancing is fun because everyone takes off their shoes and if you want a magical forest wedding, what is more magical forest than dancing barefoot in grass? Also if anyone’s holding a glass and they drop it, it probs won’t break and get glass shards all over the dance floor! so like, win-win.

    • I feel you on pretty much all points, Laneia! Especially, especially #4.
      (I have 374 days so I’m chill but time flies, y’know.)
      But yours, though? Gonna be amazing.

    • Nikki replied 5 days ago




        this is maybe the best idea you’ve ever had oh god we could sell your wedding planning packages through the goodsie store and you could write advice columns for making spreadsheets for the day-of timeline and everyone would be like, “oh i hired nikki and it went AMAZING. best wedding ever. i want to get…[Read more]

      • YES THEY PROBABLY WOULD can you become a gay wedding planner and I can be your go-to gay wedding florist/stationer? #lifegoals

    • Tommy replied 5 days ago
    • whenever anyone even mentions a wedding i think of this song

      ‘we ain’t getting no younger, we might as well do it’

    • I really loved this a lot

    • Um, I’m totally in love with this piece and I’m so super happy for you and Megan and I wish you all so much happiness with this.

    • CONGRATS!!!!! This makes my heart happy. Idk how to plan for a wedding yet…but Christine and I are totes engaged since Jan 27. Shes all up for a civil wedding and MAYBE a church one after a few years? We dont know.

      Zines can be your centerpieces!!!

    • Hey Laneia, can you please write a book? Because I’m pretty sure I’d absolutely devour it.

      Also, I have some advice as far as whether or not to go hangout vibe or dance vibe. I haven’t ever been married and might not ever be. My expertise level on this subject is basically “A person who has been to parties occasionally”. But anyway, DO BOTH…[Read more]

      • YES I highly recommend mellow dinner playlist + dancey after dinner playlist, it keeps everyone going really well.

    • This made me smile a lot and also reminded me how excited I am for Autostraddle to start doing more “grown up” type articles (even though I’m not anywhere near getting married or queer parenting or even, honestly, buying a decent vacuum.)

      It is still something that I really appreciate … having on my radar, I guess? Especially because y’all…[Read more]

    • I’m so excited to read along this wedding planning adventure with you! Also glad you won the eggplant/black thing because that is perfection.

    • Reading about your feelings gave me so many feelings of my own that I had to go write a mushy Tumblr post about it. I can only look forward to having more ridiculous emotions as I hear more about your wedding planning process! Also, A++ on the eggplant/black win.

    • congratulations!

    • Congratulations, Laneia, Ali, Crystal, and Mari. All of your weddings will be beautiful because you are all beautiful people. 4 months is more than enough time to plan an awesome wedding. It is just a party. What makes it special is that you know what this party means.

    • Hey, so I was engaged for like barely seven months and planned a wedding in less than four. It was a whirlwind. My wife (god bless her heart) basically did nothing aside from put finishing touches on my invitation design in Photoshop, call bakeries until someone could make us an armadillo cake (Steel Magnolias what up), and pick out her dress with…[Read more]

    • If I were any good at planning things I think I would be a wedding planner. Just the best, most celebratory party ever with (mostly) only people you like and if you’re the bride you get to be literally the most beautiful person in the whole room and dress like a princess (if you’re into that)… just the thought makes me teary. Laneia, you are…[Read more]

    • Love and marriage. Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. This I tell ya brother…you cant have one without the other…

    • i love this

    • I know nothing about wedding planning, so I can’t say much other than congratulations, the intro made my heart melt, and I’m so vicariously excited for you!

    • All of your plans sound wonderful! The dress is lovely. I am nowhere NEAR being engaged, but from hearing about my parents’ wedding, I have the following pieces of unexperienced advice:
      1) make sure there are enough hors d’oeuvres
      2) if something goes wrong, it won’t ruin anything. At worst, you’ll have the memory as a charming anecdote for your…[Read more]

    • WEDDINGS! that’s fun.

      I am also planning a wedding but I have the heavy involvement of my mom and her extended friend network that are like, divorced ladies in their 60s that are like WE LOVE TO PARTY so I am doing a certain amount of lining things up but mostly just redirection and being like “Mom, if there is going to be any cherpumple at all…[Read more]

    • This is cute, this is so cute, and Laneia—you and your wedding will be perfect and beautiful. This is the way of things. It has been spoken.

    • When I got divorced and came out, your article “How To Leave Your Husband (Because You’re Gay)” was my saving grace. Reading this made me so happy, because I not only related to the never getting married again mentality, but realized in time that it was something I might do again because the right person came into my life. So thank you, first of…[Read more]

    • All of the yes to Lindsey’s advice to get a day-of planner. The most valuable thing you could possibly have is someone managing your time on this one day.

      Here are the answers that saved our wedding-planning lives.

      1) Make it yours.

      Drop the imposed expectations. For one day, only your feelings get to matter. Give them space. You and…[Read more]

    • I love how you two love each other. My advice consists of the same words that you’ve said to us (and we’ve had carved into ourselves) time and again – be right here. Just remember what it’s all about.

    • Was going to also suggest the donating to a non-profit in your name thing! If I ever have a wedding or baby or other life circumstance in which a gift registry is expected then I think that would be my preference.

  • feature image via shutterstock

    Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

    Q: I’m 24 years old. My girlfriend (I think she is still my girlfriend, I […]

    • Also I feel like opening up the relationship should come from a place of wanting to make the relationship stronger, not from a last ditch effort to save it. I feel like “last ditch openness” has the possibility of leaving at least one party more scarred than just breaking up would have.

    • Once upon a time when I was newly out, I was desperate and lonely and started seeing this girl who was polyamorous. And by polyamorous, I mean she was in a relationship with a married mother of two and all of her friends (ALL OF THEM) were polyamorous and said a bunch of shitty stuff about people who were monogamous.
      Anyway, I was bored and…[Read more]

    • Seems like your girlfriend is the one making all the decisions here. It doesn’t sound like she asked or really cares how you feel about this open relationship business at all. The fact that she didn’t tell you about this guy until she had already made plans to spend time with him ON VALENTINE’S DAY of all days instead of you IMO says a lot about…[Read more]

      • You are absolutely right that one of the biggest things in making poly work is honesty and, to borrow a phrase from science, informed consent. If your partner doesn’t know what you are doing, that’s not really poly. If they ask after the fact, that’s not really poly. That’s people being shitty to the ones they are supposed to love.

      • Agreed. My boyfriend knew when I went to speed dating. He knew when I matched with people and made plans to go on dates with them. He told me when he met someone in one of his classes that he was attracted to. He asked me if it would be okay to go out with this person. We talked about jealousy regularly. Currently we’re both not seeing other…[Read more]

        • Sidebar: If you’re not talking- it’s not a good relationship period, monogamous or poly.

    • I think monogamy and non monogamy can be identities, things we’re born with, at least on a sliding scale, and that it’s important to find the intersect on both of your scales.

      A) I understand the difficulty, but just trying open when you were uncomfortabl, feels like you swallowed so much of your own desire out of fear of what might happen. …[Read more]

    • Question-asker, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. My heart aches for you. This sounds awful and painful and just terrible; nothing I know of feels worse than losing trust in someone you care about, and the fact that it’s happening at distance seems like it would make the whole thing all the more isolating and anxiety-producing. Please hang in…[Read more]

    • Something that may be of interest is Khale’s ongoing webcomic “Polyamory Isn’t for Everyone.” It details her years long relationship with a poly person, who is lovely and seems to have a much better handle on the whole honesty part of polyamory than the letter writer’s person does. It’s still early in the comic, but from what I gather, it’s going…[Read more]

      • Great comic, thanks for the hint.

        All the love an strenght to the asker. It is time to move on. It is hard, but things will get better.

        This is not polyamory, it is the end of a relationship.

      • Thank you for sharing this. It feels very relevant to me personally, as well, and I’ve been looking for resources for not-necessary-poly people in LTRs with poly people, so I particularly appreciate it.

    • You can still cheat in poly relationships, and it sounds like this person was cheating. I think cheating is underrated as a way to hurt people since it’s so common, and I’m not saying it is never forgivable, but it can cause intense and lasting psychological damage. Question-asker wasn’t given the proper opportunity to consent to the situation she…[Read more]

    • In my opinion, formed by bitter, miserable personal experience and delighted awe at poly friends in wonderful relationships, nonmonogamy only works when everyone involved is invested in not hurting other people. That’s what was so messed up about my ex–her desires mattered more to her than not hurting her partners, and eventually, there were no…[Read more]

    • Oh god, nope, nope, there are just barrels of nope raining from the sky in this one.

      From personal experience, I forced my ex-boyfriend into conceding an open relationship because I was too much of a coward to break up with him (as he was my safety net) while recognizing that I was already checked out of the relationship and wanted to date…[Read more]

      • This! This! It’s so hard to admit when you don’t want to be with someone anymore for whatever reason, that a lot of times I think people (and I know I’ve done this) cover that essential truth up with other things. That is not to make any excuses for your girlfriend. I had similar thoughts as Paper0Flowers, it sounds like your girlfriend is trying…[Read more]

      • I love that last flourish of melodrama, and I intend to quote it for years to come.

      • I totally agree with you. I was such a coward I didn’t even want to think about breaking up with my boyfriend. I knew I didn’t have the feelings required for that relationship before we went looking for an apartment. Heck, I knew waaay before then when I started identifying at WORK that I was gay. But I had to take the hard route and move into an…[Read more]

    • As the person who pushed to open my previously monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one, this just sounds all wrong to me. Honesty and consent are so, so important, and there just wasn’t much of that at the beginning of your situation. It isn’t a request if the other person is not allowed to say no.

      Even if everything had been kosher…[Read more]

    • Here’s a hypothetical: Let’s say you decide, not from a malicious or vindictive place, that you want to see someone else within the open relationship. You tell your sorta-kinda-girlfriend before you ask the other out. How would your maybe-still-girlfriend react to this development? If she’s truly committed to an open relationship, she should be…[Read more]

    • I’m just going to be honest here….your girlfriend sounds like a douche.

      • rachel: my ‘you need help’ is almost done
        me: oh the one whose girlfriend is an asshole?
        rachel: that’s the one!

    • While I agree with most commenters that it certainly sounds as though she is being selfish here, a big part of me wants to believe that she just has NO idea what she’s doing. It sounds as though she doesn’t know the first thing about being in an open relationship, and that maybe neither of you knows how to structure those conversations. Whoever…[Read more]

      • Did you see the part about how the girlfriend’s decision to open up the relationship was not only extremely sudden, but a demand instead of a request, and how the decision was motivated on a pre-existing interest when there had been a straight up lie (saying she had nobody in mind) used to manipulate the writer into agreeing? She knew what she was…[Read more]

    • Hello, nonmonogamous person here. All of the reasons you said you feel betrayed? Those are totally legitimate, rational, and understandable reasons for feeling betrayed. They are, each of them individually, things that you and your girlfriend should have had conversations about before you opened up your relationship. The thing about open…[Read more]

    • There have been lots of really great long comments about the complexities of open relationships, so I am going to be more blunt.

      Your girlfriend already played her had. She ditched you to go out with a dude on valentines day. Even if you two have an actual conversation about this mess. Do you really think you can trust her again after such a…[Read more]

    • Something you said really stuck out to me, personally: “Now, I guess it’s maybe a bit traditional, but the way that I love does not really work that way.”

      My last experience with polyamory came from the exact same place (sort of), where I agreed to be non-monogamous because I cared about this person and I wanted to date them and I thought it…[Read more]

    • I think it’s also important to mention that this seems to be the letter writer and her girlfriend’s first long-term relationship as adults, and maybe that’s coloring their decision-making a little bit too. First long-term adult relationships can and do work out, but when they don’t, it’s often a little bit harder to realize that and move on (to…[Read more]

      • THIS x 1,000,000

      • Your first paragraph hits very close to home. My mom, almost from the get-go, constantly reminded me that my ex-bf isn’t the only person in the world that I could be with and that it’s totally okay to grow apart and move on to find someone else. I resented her for many years because I felt like she didn’t respect our relationship but LOL Nope,…[Read more]

    • I would like to give this posts a million thumbs up. Pressing the button once can not express the extent of my feelings for this comment.

    • Rachel, this is phenomenal advice and you are phenomenal for not plainly telling this person to break up with this ass hat no matter how much it hurts.


    • Anon I am so sorry that you are putting up with all of this, just reading your story broke me heart. I wish you the best of luck with everything, all I can recommend is that you talk to her about all of the concerns everyone is bringing up and if she doesn’t take it to heart it might be time to let this relationship go – it will really hurt right…[Read more]

    • Really sorry to hear that. Hang in there.

    • Oh no. I’m so sorry to hear this. She’s an ass.

      I’d definitely avoid getting into whatever like, unofficial-platonic-partnership-type friendship with an ex deal she’s proposing (and that’s coming from someone who’s happily in one of those friendships!) Mine worked because we’d both wanted out of the romantic side for a while, but your ex is…[Read more]

    • I’m not the question-asker, but this advice still helped me a lot. I’m in an open relationship with my fiancee, who is poly by nature, while I am not. (I came up with the term “mono-flexible” and it makes a lot of sense for how I feel my heart works.) I love her more than anything and really want to spend the rest of my life with her, but being…[Read more]

    • The Girlfriend didn’t sound like an asshole immediately. It’s understandable that young people would feel hemmed in in a relationship after a time. Thats’ how you SHOULD feel. but then the further I read it was just like….’YOU again’. Ew. I mean like why just break up and THEN date the other person like the muggles do. No ooooobviously the…[Read more]

      • Seriously, I’ve defended you before but this is going to far. You are being rude and disrespectful to someone who came here for support.

    • I didn’t read through all the comments and already posted my advice, after the fact. I wanted you to break up with her ,but, shock of shocks, the cocksucker beat you to the punch. You can redeem yourself by adhering to healthy break up protocol (google it, pick one) and at the very least NOT living with her next year. Or EVER cuz she’s a rusty…[Read more]

      • Vestal’s comment here is disgusting and biphobic. The ex, regardless of whether or not she treated the letter writer well, does not deserve to be called a ‘cocksucker’ and she does not ever, deserve to be called a ‘rusty crusty venereal diseased asshole’.

      • Oh yes, an appropriate insult for a woman who has wronged you is her level of impurity for sleeping with men. That sounds familiar but I can’t put my finger on it… Hmmm… Fundamentalist christianity? Bros? The 14th century?

        Shame on everyone on this website who agrees with this level of crude misogyny and silently upvoted this comment.

    • I’m sorry about what happened to you and I hope you recover soon from this hurt! Meanwhile, if she ever comes wanting you back in her life, in any capacity, read all these replies here again and make sure that ass knows how she has to act in order to have the privilege of having you in her life. Otherwise, good riddance.

    • Actually I know a lot of people in het relationships who have done that (it didn’t end well).
      Not saying that there isn’t a push for queers to ‘put up’ with things because you don’t feel as desirable/valuable, I’m sure there is, but your comment really smacks of ‘lesbians beware, the bisexuals strike again!’ (how on earth do you know the writer…[Read more]

      • Replacing lesbian with queer doesn’t really change much…the point remains that those along the queer spectrum feel pressured to put up with more garbage than average

      • I’ pretty sure that the commenter was talking about the number of women dating women who are around, not hating on bisexual women. If there aren’t that many people of the gender and sexual orientation that the person is interested it, it makes sense that they might be more hesitant to break up with whoever they’re with. Its an issue of limited…[Read more]

    • Hey advice-givers! I just wanted to leave out a feeling here: there were a few instances of that specific garbage-flavour of biphobia that is given to bisexuals who leave a woman for a man (‘that cocksucker’, us poor lesbians, etc.)

      I’d just like to put it out there that a woman is not sullied for sleeping with men and a person who acts like…[Read more]

      • Thank you for saying this. I had the same sort of gross, awful feeling, reading through some of the comments, but couldn’t quite put words to it.

      • Yes! Thank you!

      • i wish i could thumbs up more than once.

      • It’s not biphobia to act like leaving a woman for a man is different than leaving a woman for a woman – especially under these circumstances, where the relationship with the woman is treated like it’s completely inconsequential (the lies about the open relationship, the ex doing all the hard stuff over the phone and not understanding why the…[Read more]

      • See, I agree 100% that a person who is an ass is just that — an ass. Which is why I just feel super weird about the suggestion that it’s biphobic to draw attention to the crap deal this girl is getting specifically because it is a man that she is being left for. (We talked about this a little bit in our senior editor chat this morning, too.) Her…[Read more]

        • I would assume that the reference to the LW’s ex as a “cocksucker” in the same paragraph as a “rusty crusty venereal diseased asshole” and also the reference by the same commenter to the situation being so “typical” was what the person calling biphobia had an issue with. Because, like, that was what I had an issue with, not the rest that you just…[Read more]

      • I’m pointing out biphobia in three strains:assuming the letter-writer is a lesbian (she could be also bisexual), likening her circumstances to something that was bound to happen because bisexuals cannot be trusted, and treating the girlfriend as sexually dirty because of contact with men.

        Just to clarify, I think the girlfriend is an asshole…[Read more]

        • Well put, @rhymeriver. To expand on what I said earlier, think it *is* worth noting the things that Alice mentioned and that Riese defended. I will assume she only saw that angle and some of the more blatant comments got buried/unnoticed.

          Holistically speaking (not accusing anyone of this in particular, because different people, just as a…[Read more]

          • “it’s a bait-and-switch argument to say “diseased cocksuckers, it’s just so typical” and then when called out on it revert to “but society still does privilege m/f relationships so it’s different”. They are two *totally* different arguments, and should be treated separately as they deserve.”

            This, definetly this!

          • Yeah, I’m always so fascinated by the twinning of patriarchal slut-shaming with biphobia coming from queer women (sometimes even other bisexuals).

            There seems to be an obsession on both sides with fellatio as the ultimate man-servicing, tainting, degrading act (one example is the monologue by White Dreads in that infamous ‘What lesbians think…[Read more]

      • Aside from the one remark I had to dig to find) I really don’t see rampant biphobia anywhere else in the comments.

    • I’m sorry. :( Do take care of yourself. *hug*

    • Whatever you do, Question Asker, do not let her move in with you next year! I mean, there are 500 reasons not to do this, but also somebody who doesn’t understand why you’re upset that she lied to you and broke your heart is probably not going to understand why you’re upset that she ate all of your cereal or never vacuums, either. Don’t let her…[Read more]

    • DO NOT LET THIS GIRL LIVE WITH YOU UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. She is an emotional vampire that has lied to you, used you and strung you along. She does not even deserve your friendship at this point. Please look out for yourself. I’m serious.

    • I’m really sorry for all she put you through. It is going to hurt now, but down the line, you’ll feel better and will find someone better for you. Don’t move in with her or keep touch. She’s toxic.

    • Open relationships can be great- with the right rules, and the right people. Obviously, the letter-writer is NOT cut out for this. At all. If this is a requirement for her relationship to survive, it won’t.

      Also, the way the gf is going about this whole thing was shitty as hell. The work-closet means she can’t tell anyone her love of 6 years…[Read more]

  • Thumbnailfeature image via Washington Post

    This morning the local NPR guy was giving the weather report and he said it would be ‘cooler’ in the valley with a high of only — ONLY — 69 degrees, to which I was like, […]

    • oh my kingdom for just a taste of arizona weather. it is like -5 with wind chill here at the moment and we are supposed to get up to 10 inches of snow this weekend. what if i cant go on?

      laneia heres what i need you to do if at all possible i know you are busy but hear me out: go get some delicious local citrus (arizona citrus is maybe the best…[Read more]

      • WE HAVE AMAZING CITRUS HERE IT’S TRUE. i think i’ve had these dates! i’ve had some kind of dates that were local. they were amazing but the box was like 10lbs and we ended up not being able to eat them all! :anguish emoji:

        • So much citrus. Citrus is to Arizona what sand is to the middle east. (Okay, maybe I exaggerate, but at this time of year it seems like it. Anyone want some oranges? No? How about grapefruit? Lemons? Please god we have so many.)

          • It’s the same at our house with citrus tree that we had to make jugs of juice out of it and that’s from one big tree.

    • if the world needs more women hermits i am totally on that. can that be my beat? “woman hermit.”

    • I didn’t realize that the google viewmaster was basically a smartphone with a lens attached. Considering how dangerous it is storing a smartphone next to your body, how is this a good idea for kids to have their eyes so close to the smartphone for extended periods of time? I think technology is going backwards… they could have made this much…[Read more]

      • I have Google Cardboard, which is what the viewmaster is built on. Your eyes aren’t really that close to the screen – there’s quite a bit of space between your eyes and the phone. Also you wouldn’t play this all the time – VR tech like this exists already and has been for some time (e.g. Oculus Rift).

    • To be alone, after all, is to admit to that rare quality: a contentment with one’s self.

      Wait. A woman who is content to be alone? Content to be with just HERSELF? Blasphemy.

      I’m learning how to be alone and be completely ok with that. It’s a struggle.

      • I used to be so cool with being alone! I would just hang out and go do things by myself and it was great. Now that I’ve been in a relationship for over a year, I have to like relearn how to do this again. It is definitely a struggle if you’re not used to it.

    • I think she probably brought the discussion into a public domain because she’s a public figure and she’s writing about her private life for the Washington Post these days? For a lot of people I know, being queer is way more than sex/sexuality — it’s something that informs and shapes our entire lives in both large and small ways, and it’s something…[Read more]

    • Being alone is my jam. I’ve lived alone and stay alone most nights and weekends for going on 5 years now, and I love it.

    • Yo, thanks for the woman hermit article. It’s pretty applicable to my life right now, and it really assuaged some of the panic and anxiety relating to my postgrad plans that have been creeping in as I see my peers get jobs and visit grad schools, while I’m going to camp/live out of my car for 4ish months with no solid plans for after that (but…[Read more]

    • Reid cancelled and Farrow is not? I am shocked, shocked…

    • RBG is pretty much becoming my idol. Seriously, she’s one of the most badass people I can think of.

      I’ve actually call myself a hermit on a few occasions, although a more accurate term is probably “introvert.”

      Yay for Tennessee and Chicago! Hope Obama’s proposal for free community college becomes a reality for the entire US soon. I think…[Read more]

    • I’m dead at the intro about Dennis Lambert! I listen to npr in Phoenix in the am and have heard him choking on nothing and thought I was just overly attentive when he’s on air. I’ve also heard him talk through said chokes! Haha! Thanks for that.

    • I’m both a hermit (at times) and an extrovert. I need to be around people, that’s how I feel recharged, but I don’t need to be paired up with someone to do so – which is why I’m totally fine with going to shows or restaurants alone. Much better that way.

      I know the duo who runs the Bay Area Solidarity Summer, they are amazing folks! Awesome…[Read more]

    • i laughed out loud like a hyena pop-up reading about the NPR morning guy

    • I’ve always wanted gay boys. Does that make me selfish? I know the world isn’t perfect for gay kids, but I wouldn’t trade who I am for the world and some of the most beautiful creative people I know are gay men and I’d love to have kids just like “them” and by them I mean Mic. I want a son like my friend Mic and even Jonathan…though I wouldn’t…[Read more]

    • Like, honestly honestly, as someone who very much views her queerness as a “choice,” I thought the article on wanting a gay child didn’t go far enough in some ways (despite the commenters saying that the author was “batshit insane” *eyeroll*). I would want my child to be queer, especially my girl child, because living as a straight girl under the…[Read more]

      • PREACH. eggplant you’re just speaking so much of my truth right now. also i feel like it’s glossed over that the “harder life” everyone keeps trotting out? usually comes at the hands of homophobic parents. so.

      • Ugh, this is incredibly disturbing to me. Being gay is not a choice for most of us and it feels like a violation, to have someone parading under an identity that isn’t a choice for folks. I know you used queer, I’m using gay, because that is my preferred terminology.

        If were strongly sexually attracted to the same sex there is a gaze. I don’t…[Read more]

        • I think there is a lot more nuance to this subject than you are allowing for. Not all queer people feel that they were born queer and not all of them later become queer for “political feminist” reasons. My ex, for example, happily dated men for years with no questions about her sexuality until she was pursued by a gay woman and decided to give it…[Read more]

      • It’s not like men are another species – we are all human beings who are basically the same. Unfortunatly many men are socialized to disrespect women but that is by no means true of all men. There are plenty of good people of all gender identities (just as there are abusive people of all gender identities). I wish for any children I may have some…[Read more]

    • I think that if she had stayed in the hypothetical that because her child is young enough, it would be entirely reasonable. This to me is “her story” . But when she started talking about specifics of what her kid is doing, that’s when it starts to feel weird for me because that is her child’s story. (and that is not specific to queerness, but just…[Read more]

    • +1000 lol’ing at the first paragraph

  • ThumbnailWelcome to This Shit Rules, wherein members of the Autostraddle team open up to you about the beauty products they couldn’t live without.

    In the world of beauty, there are so-so products that get the job […]

    • I got myself one of those Stila things because I had a voucher from xmas and it felt like I wasn’t really spending that much money on make up. That’s how it works, right?

      If you are like me and love liquid matt lipstick (not gloss) then I can really recommend NYX Lip Cream http://www.nyxcosmetics.com/p-17-soft-matte-lip-cream.aspx

      • If you like NYX products (and you should because that makes you so correct) they make a standout BB cream, and also their Glide On (Slide On?) eyeliners are almost dead ringers for UD’s Slide On/Glide on 24/7 dealios. They take a teeeny bit longer to set, but if you’re smoking or smudging them out, all the better!

    • I’ve been a huge fan of Eyeko’s liquid liners since I got one in my Birchbox last year, and also because Alexa Chung even though she keeps not being my girlfriend, but I absolutely adore UD products, so I will for sure check out that liner next time I’m in Ulta.

      I love this post very very much. I’ll have a whole other follow up post about…[Read more]

      • I echo the need for a Mascara round-up, but in the mean time, I’m crushing hard on UD’s new Perversion mascara. It knocked Buxom out of my every day lineup.

        • I’m so jealous that Perversion works well for you. The color and the payoff on it are amazing, but it smudges like the smudgiest thing on me.

          • ARGH! Do you wear concealer? If so, do you set it with powder? SO MANY QUESTIONS but I really want this to work for you in your life.

            • I do! I use Stila’s Stay All Day (I think it’s called) foundation, which I do NOT love. I’m in the market for a new one. And I set with MUF’s whatever their powder is called. I am SO GOOD AT NAMES RIGHT NOW. PLEASE HELP ME.

            • Argh, I mean I wear Stila’s concealer. I use their foundation too, which I love. Their concealer is the one I’m not in love with.

    • there’s just so much fabulosity going on here i love it so much

    • Vouching for the Stila. Wanting those dear little gloss pots for my “hedonistic apothecary” aesthetic.

    • OGX’s Healing + Vitamin E Penetrating Oil is the shit. First, it somehow smells like God, and I’ve gotten compliments on how I smell just because of that. Second, it also somehow does not make my thick crazy hair oily, like a lot of oils have done in the past. It makes my ends look so much healthier. Love it so much.

    • I will totally vouch for the awesomeness of the Ink For Eyes. It’s become my go-to when I want crisp winged liner!

    • i’m definitely going to try that soap! it got such great reviews on amazon too!

    • I recently discovered Rimmels Provaclips. I’ve never really loved Rimmel, and I wish they had a more exciting color palette but OH MY GOD. I put this stuff on, let it dry for 2 minutes, put on the balm stuff and didn’t touch it up for 10 hours. In between I ate a grilled cheese, smoked a couple cigarettes, had two iced coffees. This stuff is…[Read more]

    • YAY FFAF.

    • I really want that still lipstick in Beso I don’t think orange based reds look good on me.

    • Somehow in my Facebook news feed I read the line “HG status is reserved for the ones that seem made just for you” before I read the name of the article, and for a second I got super excited and thought you meant HG Wells (delicious Warehouse 13 version, obviously), but then I realised that you didn’t, and that HG and Myka don’t end up together,…[Read more]

    • I don’t have any money right now (or ever) but I am always on the lookout for long-wearing lip products, because I am somehow incapable of making it through a day without picking at my lips or rubbing them on things. Bookmarking these links for my next payday!

    • Aha! I’ve actually used that Fekkai hair product and it def is pretty good. However, not the best for me with my curly hair, because I want something that will tame the frizz, keep the curl, AND give me some lift, which this didn’t. Also I thought it smelled kind of weird?

      Also I don’t understand how to shop for makeup products that come in…[Read more]

    • That glossing cream’s main ingredient is dimethicone, the heaviest and hardest to remove silicone that’s used in hair care products. So know how your hair reacts to silicones before using it regularly! The build-up can weigh down and straighten curly hair and lead to long term dryness as it creates a barrier between hair and your natural oils.

  • ThumbnailHey moonlight cowgirls! It’s Friday, which means it’s time for us to put our feet up and have a bowl of Lucky Charms and tell each other all about what our weeks were like. The Friday Open Thread is here, and we […]

    • Oh sleep problems. An idea that I’ve just heard about is called “sleep hygiene” and entails not engaging at all with your computer, your phone, or even a book for a full hour before you want to sleep. The idea is to do something calming for an hour to help yourself wind down rather than do something that will stimulate more brain activity or cause…[Read more]

      • oh I use f.lux also! i like it, i think. i also think it helps remind me that i need to get to bed because when the screen is SUPER yellow-tinted, i realize how late it is. and i know, i could never take a full hour break before bed either; usually i’m working right up until i go to sleep, more or less. (although i’m sure that doesn’t help!)

        • yeah I think f.lux is great, but I’m sad there isn’t a f.lux app for my phone? sometimes the ONLY way I can tire myself out enough (aka make my brain BE QUIET) is to like… watch mindless videogame playthroughs, or scroll through the Lord of the Rings tag on tumblr. but then staring at the non-yellowed-out light keeps me physically awake once my…[Read more]

      • LOVE flux. thats it.

        plus sleepless in boston hating the weather and googling an ex pretty much never a good idea.

    • I’ve had insomnia lately too, it is the WORST.

      Listening to some meditation/calming recordings has helped me (litch just someone saying things like ‘you can relax! it is sleeptime!’ in a calming voice as you drift off, like this Scottish chap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXBG1-1zI_E&feature=youtu.be . I’ve found it helps stop your mind…[Read more]

      • Take a bath! Basal body temp lowering makes people hella sleepy. Not sure what to do for middle insomnia though. /:

      • Oh, that fellow’s voice is enchanting! Thanks for the pointer.

      • yes that’s true, that helps sometimes! also @thestarsareprojectors i should try the bath thing now that i finally have a bathtub. maybe i’ll get some lavender bubble bath?

        • lavender works really well, and so does some vanilla scents. there’s lot of bubble baths designed for relaxation, actually. add some candles to make your eyes get used to the idea of dark. works great for me :)

    • Hello everyone!

      Busy week at work. I need sleep! But that’s more because of having an early shift than having insomnia. The other night I had a dream about pasta trees. Of all my work-related dreams, this was one of the more amusing ones…

      I’m lucky that I don’t have too much of a problem falling asleep. I have vivid dreams though, and have…[Read more]

    • We have night time tea at home that works half the time for me. It gets me relax to help me sleep. I am also a fan of cannabis. So, if I really can’t sleep, and I know I don’t have plans in the morning, I may get a little baked from some indica based strain as that is the more relaxing, nighttime based strain(think kind of like Tylenol PM).…[Read more]

      • Also, anyone see that new Florence + The Machine for that track How Big How Blue How Beautiful? Florence is in a pants suit(looking a bit androgynous) & she’s dancing closely with a person that looks to be an andro guy(?). I hope she keeps that look up cause she looks fabulous, but only if she likes it.

      • Cosign on night time tea! I was skeptical up until this year and now suddenly I’m preaching it to everyone I know. what’s in yer night tea blend??

        • We have the Trader Joes brand night time tea at home. But, I’ve also tried a kanna based blend tea I got from a local tea shop.

      • i’m really sorry to hear that your friend is being so clueless! i would love to hear more about this queer dance bar though.

        • It be like the autostraddle of bars, except Friday, and Saturday nights along with Sunday nights where Monday is day-off, is when we get a bit NSFW with hot queer dancers. And cis men are kept at a minimum as it’s a safe space for women and trans beings!

    • Jilling off, of course! ;)

      I was having a lot of sleep issues lately since I didn’t take my SSRI for a couple days (ran out) and I had to go through all my side effects again. Yay! But I found that not allowing my cat in my bedroom at night helps a lot (she likes to go under the covers and snuggle me).

      I’m crazy excited because I have a…[Read more]

      • I went to SDSU, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be(mostly because of the students), though I hear their women’s study is excellent. Plus, they recently got in trouble over harassing a trans masculine person who wanted to use the men’s locker room. Really disappointing to read.

        Good luck with your interview and school.

      • can’t wait to see you at camp! good luck with the interview :)

      • Hooray for general feelings of happiness! I’ve felt likewise–the last few months were awful and recently I feel like I am myself again and it’s wonderful. Here’s to future contentment, and best of luck with your grad school interview.

      • I’m excited for that album too! Love Modest Mouse! I feel like a lot of cool bands have been putting out new music lately: Foo Fighters, Death Cab for Cutie, Weezer…

        Best of luck on the grad school interview!

    • I live in Humboldt so any problems are pretty much fixed with the ganja…
      This WK someone broke into my jeep and smashed the window, my other car got a parking ticket and I’m STILL waiting for my financial aid. Although I filed taxes and am ecstatic about the amount I’m getting.. Even thinking of possibly attending Acamp.. (Insert jazz hands…[Read more]

      • ugh i’m so sorry about your car(s), that sucks! i do really hope we see youa t camp though :)

    • I have the strangest schedule, as I work nights and don’t come home from work until around midnight. My roommate is always up super late, so I find I don’t get to sleep until around 2 am, and then I wake up around noon. I haven’t had a problem falling asleep lately; it’s been waking up that’s the problem. I easily fall asleep after some winding…[Read more]

    • I like to read before bed. If I’m too sleepy to read but not able to go to sleep, I listen to music or sometimes a podcast. (Welcome to Night Vale seems to give me strange dreams, though.) Or I message my partner, who is 9 hours behind me, so we can have some extra Skype time!

      I’ve always had trouble sleeping, and that’s only got worse in the…[Read more]

      • Hat replied 1 week ago

        Reading and welcome to nightvale quiet my crazy brain…I have no solutions for pain sadly. If my back (injuries induced by car crash when I was 18 which still bother me) is super bad I take a prescription painkiller and pass out. I consider myself extremely lucky that I can see my back fixer man once a month and feel ok for a week or two during…[Read more]

    • I’ve actually been having issues NOT falling asleep. I’ve realized (repeatedly) that I can’t do homework on my bed :P Even though I’m stressed out about a bunch of things and being an organizer and a student makes my Google calendar look scary and it’s hard to stay alive sometimes it’s never hard to sleep.

      Also, guys, lavender essential oil!…[Read more]

      • Hat replied 1 week ago

        I find Lavender soothing too, however it gives my girlfriend “the rage” I have never seen it have this effect on anyone…she gets so mad, she hates it so much. A lady spritzed herself with it on the bus and my missus nearly threw up on her. I used to use lavender fabric softener, that was amazing to fall asleep surrounded by.

    • It’s really important everyone check out Dreaming with Jeff – these crazy tracks Jeff Bridges recorded to help you fall asleep. One is just him taking a hike and describing it all to you as if you are there with him. It’s all super trippy and weird in the best possible way.


      You are welcome.

    • I can’t help on the insomnia issue :/ since recently I’ve been really prone to it myself, mostly because of anxiety-induced thoughts.

      I got stuff done this week :) yay. And my therapist told me yesterday that when something really bad happened last week (remember when I asked for hugs? Bad thing happened) that I did a good job at coping,…[Read more]

      • congrats on coping well! that’s such a big accomplishment! i really hope you take pictures and write down every tiny detail from the harry potter party.

        • Eee, thank you! :D It is a big accomplishment; I can’t even figure out how I did it heehee. But hopefully it’s going to start a positive trend.

          Haha! If we find the Room of Requirement, you guys will be the first to know ;D

        • Bluh, so, it’s snowing too bad to go anywhere, so im gonna miss the party :C super not cool. My friend is having a part 2 withe next month or in April, so At least there’s that.

          A bloo bloo bloo sad

      • Great job on the positive coping mechanisms! I know how easy it can be to cope in unhealthy ways, and it sounds like you’re making great progress.

        Keep your chin up. :) Warmth and spring will come, and life won’t always be an uphill battle. (I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true!)

    • dude, what helped me this week was that i started exercising again (yoga, yay!) and i drank a glass of wine and poof! I’m out.

      • i started exercising again more consistently these past few weeks too, and i thought it would help a lot more than it did! i had one week of like gwyneth paltrow levels of idealized success — i would get up at 8 with lots of energy, and have exercised and showered by 9:30 and be ready to TAKE ON THE WORLD. somehow subsequent weeks did not yield…[Read more]

        • yeah, i totally know what you mean about other weeks not being the same as when you first start out. ugh, i wish you the best in your search for sleep.

          (p.s. i always get sleepless in seattle confused with you’ve got mail, even though i really love you’ve got mail and have never fully watched sleepless in seattle.)

      • I’ve been doing yoga classes at school this semester and it’s the best. I think it’s been helping me sleep too.

    • This week on


      Each NPC that encounters the player character makes a Perception Check at -5, on a failure, they read the players gender incorrectly for 1D6+30 seconds, after which all sentient beings present experience Acute Embarrassment.

      The NPC can make a second, unmodified roll if the player says any words.

      On a…[Read more]

      • I FEEL YOU, GIRL. I’m at the point where I actually get really happy when referred to as “ma’am”.

      • that sounds super obnoxious amanda but on the bright side this comment made me lol in my apartment for real

      • Someone understandddssss me! It sucks when people can’t look past their own noses, sorry if you have had any trouble :(

    • YOU GUYS i love that this week is about sleep because I had a dream about y’all last night! In some dream universe last night my mom printed out an A+ article to give to me and it was a recipe for something called She’s Got a Sexy Butt -ernut Squash or something like that (and I’m actually v. impressed with my subconscious for making a squash/butt…[Read more]

      • Mik this is 100% amazing please never stop reading autostraddle before bed. i’ll publish a butternut squash recipe if you want, even.

        • PLEASE DO! I will cook the fuck out of that squash. And maybe I’ll even share it with my mom!


      • Haha. I too have had an AS related dream. Mine was about A-Camp. We were all getting to our cabins and then for some reason Carmen morphed into my 10th grade P.E. teacher. The end.

        • Wait what that can’t be the end! Did she blow a whistle and make you do push ups and climb a ridiculous rope thing and run laps and yell at you for accidentally smashing someone in the head with a basketball while attempting to make a 3point shot? Or were those experiences unique to my 10th grade PE career..?

    • Hi strudels!

      I usually can only not sleep when I’m super anxious. I usually just get some solid exercise and it have an app that makes rain noises (and waves noises, and washing machine noises) and it knocks me out good when I have stayed up too late and can’t wind down. Earlier this week I started a new job and I kept waking up at 4 and then 5…[Read more]

      • job stress is such a real sleep factor! i used to have to teach a class that started at 8 am, and i was always so anxious that i’d oversleep and miss the class that I myself was teaching that it took a really alarming amount of sleep aids to knock me out. which of course actually increased the risk of my oversleeping. i hope your new job is going…[Read more]

        • oh you’re sweet!

          I literally only had that problem before my very first day, and since then it has been a pretty easy transition, plus getting up way earlier than I’m used to, so sleep has come very easily the ensuing nights.

      • Hat replied 1 week ago

        Things to shut up the brain are always worth sharing! Stupid busy brains.

        • Sarah replied 1 week ago

          Hey Hat, just thinking about a dog who stops running and lies still. Soon her eyes start to look a bit starry…. then they blink slowly…. next her head start to lower….then a head bob or two…… finally resistance is futile….head goes down with a sigh of surrender!
          Pretty sure dogs don’t have a ” busy brain”!!
          So all you need to do is…[Read more]

    • i am a terrible sleeper and always have been. my parents tell me that as a toddler they would put me to sleep and come back to check on me hours later and find me laying there staring at the ceiling like a damn child of the corn. but i will admit that i make some really questionable decisions re:sleep hygiene from time to time. for example, this…[Read more]

      • “this week i decided to start watching american horror story on my phone in bed at 1am.” lomy i laughed SO HARD at this. what are you doing girl.

        i find that asmr videos are really helpful for me actually! i am also fascinated by the range of people’s reactions to ASMR stuff. everyone get in here and talk about how asmr videos make you feel, stat.

        • what AM i doing, rachel! i guess in that moment i just started feeling so late to the ahs party it seemed like the only rational thing to do with my early morning hours? idk it made sense at the time?

          yes i really really want to talk about asmr! because i have definitely experienced it (bob ross all day every day) and it does help me sleep if…[Read more]

    • I too have been trouble sleeping as of late. My body/mind are tired but as soon as I go to bed I’m WIDE awake. Or, I will fall asleep, wake up at 3am and stay awake til my alarm goes off.

      I’ve tried taking Melatonin, but it makes me feel hungover the next day.

      Sleepy time tea works sometimes but not usually.

      Right now I’m trying a…[Read more]

      • Snacks with vitamin c like oranges or just simply low dose vitamin c pill helps to minimize paranoia. I’ve tired it and it kind of works for me. Plus, take a strain of cannabis that is more cbd heavy if you can as that’s the more relaxing, pain relieving chemical in cannabis.

        • i also have these weed problems so thank you for this input Al, this is super helpful

          • Just as a side note, while mangoes are a good source of vitamin c, mangoes also help enhance your high(depends on the person, but some get couch lock, while others just get a tad higher).

            • Thanks for the info all the same, Al. I normally have no idea what strain I’m given because my friends just normally (and generously) share with me. Haha. So this is great to know! :)

            • Al thank you for the useful information

    • earplugs are definitely the secret to my success when it comes to sleeping at camp. i don’t know how i lived for so long without realizing that they’re like $3 at walgreens for a whole bag. i spent so long hearing things i didn’t have to!

    • You know what definitely isn’t helping with my sleeping habits? THIS FAT FUR BABY.

      She’s so cute and sweet, but oh my god, SHE MEOWS ALL THE TIME. Not a cute tiny little “maow”, no. This is a long, sorrowful howl straight from the wretched depths of the underworld. This is the sound that Orpheus let out when he realized that Eurydice was left…[Read more]

      • that is such a beautiful cat collage i am overcome

        • Everyone should make at least one cat collage in their life because they are 100% the best type of collage that can be made.

      • This made me laugh so hard im on the verge of tears, oh my god

      • this is fantastic and I don’t even like cats

      • Your cat is beautiful and the cat collage too & I think I identify with the howls from the depths of the underworld

      • Your cat is adorable. Love those photos. :D

        I have a cat sleeping companion too, but she doesn’t meow much at night, only purring. And she has an extremely loud purr (she was actually known for it at the shelter I adopted her from) – it’s literally as loud as a person snoring, but I actually find it to be a relaxing sound at night.

    • cannabis and sleep like a baby

    • First, I would like to say that life is really weird everyone.

      I have been traveling for work so I spend a lot of time in hotel rooms.
      I had a dream the day before in a dream/waking up state. I had a dream that Biggie Smalls was in my hotel room. Why was Biggie Small’s in my hotel room? I don’t know, I thought I was being Christmas…[Read more]

    • Things I do approx 30-60 minutes before lights out
      +Soothing documentaries (Cosmos, Wildest Africa, etc)

      +White noise app (Rain, Rain) for 30 minutes after lights out

      Sometimes I look at tumblr for a lil bit on my phone before lights out but i try to avoid any tags that will be anxiety-producing

      This has actually been…[Read more]

      • Second time is the charm ;)

        I didn’t wrap that up in any connection at all to the topic. I guess I could include that I’m scheduled for a sleep study next month related to chronic insomnia, epic dreams, and running in my sleep. Peace of mind and a memory foam mattress get me to sleep at night. :)

      • I have no idea how this landed here. 8[ Sorry, Kinds! But at least you know I read your comment :)

    • I think of my dog, Badger, so full of unconditional love, who slept with me when I recovered from my hip replacement surgery. Gone, but still a part of my heart.
      I think of him sprawled out , so relaxed, his eyes getting sooooo heavy, then dozing!
      Dogs are such loyal and loving people! :)

    • Hi, Lovelies! The past, idk, 2-3 weeks have been CRAZY. My boss/not-boss has apparently lost his mind? And I think is trying to get my program shut down? Because I’m black? Like those are literally the only possible reasons for the passive aggressive emails he’s been shooting off lately. Whatever. I’m not worried. I have a whole team of guardian…[Read more]

    • Guys, life is seriously pleasant right now. I love my new job, I love my new hours (8:00-13:00), I love my Mr. Rogers quotes. I’ve quoted this before, but it’s worth mentioning. I have been told many times by my psychologist and therapist that I don’t love myself. I was told the same thing this week by a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD.…[Read more]

      • This is such a positive, hopeful comment. So glad things are looking up!
        I like your outlook on loving yourself. I think that it’s sometimes not possible to accept ourselves 100%, at least at not all the time, but making an effort is what’s most important.

    • When I moved to Seattle, one of the first things I did was watch “Sleepless in Seattle” because I’d never watched it before and I wanted to feel more connected to the city. I don’t know if it worked, but it was pretty entertaining!

      This week I turned down a job interview, which I’ve NEVER done before, got multiple scam interviews from…[Read more]

      • I really appreciate your cat’s facial expressions though. I want to be able to make those when people are trying to mess with me and I’m not in the mood.

    • I’ve had trouble going to sleep for as long as I can remember. I’ve always had to think about a million things before I can sleep. My therapist calls it “the hamster wheel of hell” and that feels very accurate. I think out past or future conversations with people and how it went or might have gone or could go or any variations. As a kid I had two…[Read more]

      • Hat replied 1 week ago

        Hello fellow passenger on the hamster wheel of hell! Feels better to know I’m not alone. I also listened to books on tape to help me sleep as a kid, in fact up until I went to university, at which point I no longer had a cassette player. I switched to reading books I had read before, I’m still reading them now, 13 years later. Don’t know if that…[Read more]

    • One of my recurring nightmares as a kid would start with me running out side when it was dark out and as I ran down the street the street lights would go out and then it would feel like I was running in slow motion, no matter how much effort I put into it I couldn’t get to where I was going. Then when I started driving I would dream about driving…[Read more]

    • Buenas Dias!
      Thankfully, I only suffer insomnia in bouts and usually with good reason.
      These reasons might be actual reasons like major life changes I’ve been steadfastly ignoring or simple things like coffee or frequent shift rotations.
      Reasons for insomnia can also be cold feet and low blood pressure, by the way.
      I was a bit insomniac,too,…[Read more]

    • I often have insomnia. I work at night, and I often stay up too late after work trying to wind down, which results in me trying to fall asleep at the brightest times of day. Not good. I now know I need better drapes for my bedroom.

      Right now, I’m struggling with work stress dreams while I’m on vacation. Ugh. If anyone knows how to make those…[Read more]

    • All right, I’ve been through lots and lots and lots of things to help me sleep. I’m still not a pro at sleeping, but I practice a lot and I think I’ve made some solid improvements.

      – Exercise in the evenings, but not RIGHT before bed (like an hour or two ahead of time). This can be walking/running (I have a treadmill, outdoors…[Read more]

      • unisom is actually different things in different countries! the unisom sleeptabs they sell in the usa are NOT benadryl (which I know because i can take benadryl to sleep, though it kicks my ass for a solid 11-12 hours), but instead something called doxylamine succanate, which i abhor because like ambien, it sort of turns off your body before your…[Read more]

    • I just start working on my precalc homework and that usually sends me right off. Followed by my inevitable dismay when I wake again at midnight after dreaming that my math teacher made my class stay inside the school building while it was filling up with poison gas because we weren’t quiet enough while walking in line.

      I do tend to have the…[Read more]

      • Your dream knocks the dream I had a few weeks ago where I went to Target, met Adele, became besties with her, then we went back to my apartment and ate bagel bites right out of the park.

      • That fruit fly/minnow dream sounds like a trippy conceptual music video that I would have loved and watched on repeat when I was in high school.
        Pole dancing looks so hard, but also so cool. I’m absolutely too lazy to do it, but I’m excited for you!
        Also do you understand precalculus stuff?? I am so fucking lost in math class, I feel like every…[Read more]

        • Once I started crying during a test and then pretended it was allergies. I don’t like precalculus at all and only understand maybe 50% on a good day. I could maybe get more only my math teacher is terrible and every time he explains something it just gets even more confusing. Mostly I just memorize the steps for how to do something without…[Read more]

      • Elaborate, nonsensical dreams are the best. I tend to remember my dreams fairly well, and most of the time I find them rather entertaining (though your fruit fly dream is hard to beat).
        Good luck on the pre-calc studies!

    • I have had bouts of insomnia and it’s been the worst and well, nothing really helped it.

      That said, right now my issue is that I have TOO MANY THINGS to do so I haven’t been getting more than like 5 hours a sleep a night which, I know is super bad for me, but well, otherwise I just don’t have time to get all my shit done. And these next few…[Read more]

    • Ironically, I am suffering from insomnia right at this very moment! It’s probably due to a) working on a big life decision right now (whether to start a PhD at UC Irvine in the fall) and b) having a stomach ache because something in my dinner did NOT agree with me. Fun times. I’m currently drinking some herbal tea that sometimes helps and hoping…[Read more]

    • STORY TIME. I am currently on a ski trip with my brother and some of his buddies, me being the only female presence at the cabin. I was in the bathroom opening a tampon and, no joke, one of his friends walked by and said, “Did you take the pretezels in bathroom?”. If I wasn’t sure of my lesbianism before, that really confirmed it.

    • Oh boy. I am a Seattle Straddler and I have never seen Sleepless in Seattle. However, I do find myself not sleeping a lot due to grad school. I generally just give up and pull ill-advised all nighters. If I am feeling particularly sleepy though, I take a tylenol PM to help. I’m boring like that.

      However, I feel the need to share a life event…[Read more]

      • Nice haircut! Looks great!

      • It looks good! Congrats on your travels on short hair.

      • To get to sleep, I either listen to books on tape through an app called LibriVox. They have a lot of free books on that app.

        Or I listen to sweet songs on youtube like Kermit the Frog’s “It’s Not Easy Being Green” and “The Rainbow Connection”

        Or if I’m feeling a lot of anxiety, I take a shot of Scotch and that usually mellows out the…[Read more]

      • Love it! Getting a haircut always feels refreshing.

    • I heard about the “don’t look at a screen before bed” thing so that inspired me to go back in time 20 years and buy a CD player. So now I can listen to music while I’m going to sleep with no screens involved! If I really need to fall asleep and nothing else is working, I read field guides or do crossword puzzles, and it’s just the right amount of…[Read more]

    • Hello kittens!! How is everyone? I’m almost leaving (on Monday) which makes me sad. The only thing I have that comforts me is knowing I will drive my car again. LOL. I’ve spent the past days being drunk and going everywhere with my wife.

      I usually have very vivid and clear dreams when I’m drunk. I always dream of the weirdest things and it…[Read more]

    • How to sleep when I can’t sleep? Hmm…Not really an issue, since I don’t think about it. That’s to say, I don’t have a bedtime. I have an alarm clock to wake me for work. Generally, when I’ve run out of things to do or when I’m tired, I go to bed. Sometimes it’s 9pm. Other times it’s 1am.

    • The best thing I ever found for sleeping problems was a combination of melatonin and the sound of rain from a free rain app I have on my phone. I originally got it for an infant I was babysitting, but it helps me more than it helped him! I also used to listen to the coast and sea forecasts to help me sleep; the reporters’ voices are so calming as…[Read more]

    • Hey hey all!

      It’s been an interesting week with tests and drama. I finished up two fairly okay tests and received good news back from that horrible chemistry one I lived through last week, along with a group paper that never really was finished (as a group, that is..).

      This week has been scrambling to figure out working through more group…[Read more]

    • Oooh do sleep and I have a twisted relationship.

      Once upon a time I would purposely deprive myself of it so I could pass out and be dead to the world for as long as possible.
      Doing that I learned some stuff; staying awake by willpower alone is one of my special talents, and at 48 hours no sleep everything becomes funny to me. So I began do it…[Read more]

    • As a person who constantly over-thinks everything, I often fight with my brain when it’s time to sleep. I will catch myself analyzing work conversations from that day, or a meeting from earlier in the week, or a joke I could’ve told better, etc. When that happens, I usually turn on some music and climb into my mountain of blankets. I then try to…[Read more]

    • I just spent over an hour on one math problem and finally I was convinced that I had done it properly and might actually be starting to understand how to do it and then I submitted my answer and it was like six million percent wrong and now I want to cry and stick my face in the snow.

      • Sarah replied 1 week ago

        Oh, sweetie……don’t cry!!! :(

        And I tried sticking my face in snow…but it didn’t make me any smarter in math…..but did teach me that I am probably not a skier!! hehe

        Big , lovey hugs for you……:)

    • Hat replied 1 week ago

      I’ve been reading to help myself sleep (because I have the apparently common problem, thanks folks above for making me feel less weird, of a busy brain which shouts at me for my foibles) for 13 years.

    • Charla replied 1 week ago

      2 Gin and Tonics = lights out

    • What I do when I’m sleepless: Offbrand ZZZquil, sitcoms, and a funny book. (Yes, both TV and a book. Attention span of a goldfish)
      I hate to admit that I like any romcom, but SIS is really funny.
      Sadly, I do not live in Seattle.

  • ThumbnailHello! Today I woke up from a nightmare that involved Kurt Cobain helping the children from my hometown get ready for a Veteran’s Day parade and me attending my ex-husband’s wedding with my mom. It was so weird I […]

  • Thumbnailfeature image via shutterstock

    Happy Tuesday! We skipped yesterday’s AAA because my computer kept freezing and there were like 740 kids everywhere (maybe it was two, not totally sure) and I told myself you’d be […]

  • feature image via shutterstock

    Going to the doctor’s can be stressful and confusing, but if you have insurance coverage that includes things like physicals, you owe it to yourself to get one. If the process of […]

    • Bless you.

    • I sure do love these columns.

    • HOw have I made it so far in life already without this column to guide me?

    • I just made a list of everything in my wallet and I feel awesome.

    • Oh my god, Rachel. Bless you. It’s actually one of my New Year’s resolutions to get a physical. Also, I am working on my taxes today, so that jellyfish cam is ON POINT.

      • oh wow i hadn’t even considered combining the jellyfish with the taxes but that’s a superb idea

        • :) yeah there’s nothing like channeling the motion of a Japanese sea nettle as you add up your expenses for the past year!

    • Mr. Rogers! It’s 90 degrees today but for sure I will wear my cardigan to watch those videos.

      • Today, I waited outside a locked building for 20 minutes. It was 20 degrees.

        I am jealous, is what I’m saying.

    • Goddess bless you, Rachel.

    • I really needed that first link. It’s been like a year and a half since I’ve been to a dentist and I need to just find one in my city and call them up and make an appointment. But I have to say, though, the “Find A Doctor” thing on my insurance’s website is NOT helpful. It gave me the information for 528 dentists in my area. How on earth am I…[Read more]

      • i am also always plagued by how impossible it is to narrow that list down! i was able to successfully make a doctor’s appointment earlier this year; what i did was check my city’s LGBT community org, and they handily had a list of lgbt-friendly healthcare providers. i looked to see which of those healthcare providers were also in my insurance’s…[Read more]

    • Oh Rachel how I love these posts. I really needed all of this. Plus you had me at koalas.

      • i debated also making the feature image a koala but then, like, is that too much koala? always a struggle.

    • I always picture you speaking these softly and calmly in my general direction while seated around a fire at A-Camp. Reading these is the most relaxing.

    • Put that jellyfish cam on full screen then cancel your cable and netflix.

    • rachel you’re becoming my new self-help guru

    • the thing about massages, tho, is you always feel the need to explain yourself when someone else walks into the room. The only downside.

    • Love this series. The only kind of self-help I need.

    • The (slightly) bitter irony of having done my taxes 6 hours before you posted this is soothed by visiting Mr Roger’s Neighborhood of Make Believe.

    • I do have a correction to the last link in the tax paragraph: If you make $53,000 or less, you can use Volunteer Income Tax Assistance clinics for free tax preparation. Call your local United Way or go to irs.gov to find a site near you! (Full disclosure: I am a VITA site coordinator.)

    • I’m so glad these columns have become a regular thing!
      Just did the one about reaching out to an old friend. Thank you for the reminder.

    • How many times can Lisa say “I like to scissor” in 20 minutes?

    • I liked all of this so much. Especially needed to hear “get your a$$ to a dentist” and “reach out to people, plz” and “learn how to say no w/o feeling guilt”. Srsly, home run! Also, I really did just NOT show up to a dentist appointment my gal made me this morning because I hate all things physician related. My parents grew me up under the notion…[Read more]

    • Speaking of pancake shapes my friends made boob pancakes yesterday and forgot to invite me. But I’ll just make these pancakes instead and eat them and be happy.

    • I actually reached out to two of my ex-best friends this week because I missed them. We will see what comes of it. These are people who dropped of the face of my earth during a really tough time in my life, but used to be my closest friends.

      Dear lord I’m so sick of being lonely and friendless so hopefully this works!

  • Thumbnailfeature image via scyther5 / Shutterstock.com

    Q: I’m wondering how and when it is okay to unfollow and unfriend people on Twitter and Facebook. When is it OK? I have a lot of religious relatives and friends. I […]

    • Thanks for this Rachel, because it’s definitely something I consider on a regular basis. I totally agree that there are no rules, and you should just go ahead and unfriend anyone who makes your online life unpleasant.

      I do have a fear though that if I unfriend everyone who’s intolerant or offensive views I don’t want to see, eventually I’ll…[Read more]

      • This is such an excellent point! It’s such an excellent point that I updated the post to talk about it more, because you made me realize how important it is to figure out the good kind of consuming-things-even-though-I-disagree-with-them and the really terrible kind that just kills your brain cells, probably. Thank you Allison!

      • I like my echo chamber. I deal with enough bullshit with the media sites I follow and the FB groups I participate in, so it’s a relief that I never have to deal with astoundingly stressful arguments with my own people.

        • Both valid approaches. I don’t actually log on to Facebook more than like, bimonthly, so I don’t see a whole lot of people posting the appallingly racist/homophobic/conservative stuff. If I’m on social media I’m mostly on tumblr, and the stuff that bothers me there is social justice people being assholes to the uninitiated/everyone who disagrees…[Read more]

      • Not sure if this would help, but is there one or two of these people who would engage with you in conversation/good argument/discussion? When I left college I dumped a lot of the people who only spouted hate and made me angry, but kept the three republicans who actually backed up their views. I dont always like what they have to say, but it helps…[Read more]

    • Fully support the ‘go for it’ route – I clean up my social media every so often – particularly around life events – going to uni – leaving uni etc etc – often resulting in the number of ‘friends’ I have dropping like a brick – never had any messages about it. Also, if there is a specific post on fb you don’t like there is a little down arrow at…[Read more]

    • I remember I once unfollowed a friend on tumblr (back when I used it) because her online presence was super hyperbolic and overwhelming/incessant and within TEN MINUTES she had texted me asking why I unfollowed her. I asked her how she knew I did that so quickly and she told me she had installed a script that alerts her when someone unfollows her…[Read more]

    • I unfriended a guy from high school for saying something like: “I can’t breathe” Good, more air for the rest of us.

      But my Gender, Women, Sexuality Studies teacher saw a post on Facebook about why we shouldn’t unfriend people who are saying things like that, that we should take the time to talk to them and explain GWSS things to them instead.…[Read more]

    • I had to unfollow and then block someone recently on fb. It had been a long time coming and I couldn’t handle their posts anymore. I felt really bad and guilty about it, but it was better than exploding and ranting at them for days like a maniac.

      TL; DR: if you’re seriously considering unfollowing/blocking someone, they are probably already not…[Read more]

    • I read something one time about only keeping about 100-150 people max on Facebook, and have kinda lived by that rule since. I’ve been known to unfriend family members first, because, hello, they’re family and can easily be added back if needed. I went 2 years without my sister on Facebook because a) Instagram and b) tired of her crazy political…[Read more]

    • It’s also possible to add people to your “restricted” list on Facebook! Basically, Facebook will show that you’re still friends if the person checks, but they will only be able to see your public profile information. In my experience, this also means the person doesn’t show up on your feed! Here’s the topic about it.

      • Word of warning – sometimes, Facebook seems to randomly decide to remove the restricted access state from people. I’ve had it happen to me.

    • This is a good question! I’ve been off Facebook entirely for 2 years now because it was destroying my brain. When I go back (for Tinder…ughhhhh), I’m going to weed out a lot of people. I feel empowered to whittle down the list from a few hundred to 100! My life is better not knowing about what my trig class from high school is doing, and they…[Read more]

      • I feel the Twitter freedom, it’s the place I don’t tell people from work, friends or anyone I see regularly about. I have maybe 5 people following me who I knew IRL before I went on Twitter, including my gf. I’m not super weird, I’m just more honest about my feelings, my nerdiness, my gayness, my dayjob and college.

        • Hear hear with the twitter privacy. It’s where I write things that I feel I might be judged for on fb.

    • I recently unfollowed some folks on FB who were acquaintances, (my friends sister who I dislike but fear un-friending would have ramifications and a couple of people whose constant drama was too much) because it constantly showed me their stuff and never my own girlfriends hilarious posts. They’ve not shown up and now I am seeing things my gf…[Read more]

    • You are so wise, Rachel. I am going to bookmark this article for the day that log in to FB and see one too many farmville invites and have a meltdown. It’s probably any day now.

    • I unfriend people all the time, I don’t need people from my home town to know where I am and what I’m doing and no-one ever mentioned anything about it. I have however, been part of a very awkward conversation when a friend of a friend of mine came up to us to ask why he had unfriended her on Facebook. He just said “I’m sorry, I cleaned up my…[Read more]

    • Easy, if lengthy way to clean up your friends list: go through the birthdays every day. If you want to wish that person happy birthday, do so and move on. If you don’t, delete them.

    • I have NO ISSUE of un-friending someone from my social media. I also realized that by only having 100-150 people on FB, I reduce the headaches significantly. The only person that annoys me sometimes is my cousin but she is a hot ass mess and my sister handles her when she gets out of line.

      In my real life I deal with a lot of bullshit so I…[Read more]

    • I legit had a girl that I only saw TWO TIMES previously and who BARELY talked to me beforehand run up to me when I saw her at a party and threw her arms around me like we were old friends. Then, when I was getting ready to leave, she got all faux-sweet confrontational and was like “hey soooo did I upset you? I thought we were friends ob…[Read more]

    • I do unfriend/unfollow, but I was late to the FB party in the first place, and I think this might lead to me feeling less pressure/guilt about it (it’s just not always been part of my life, so I don’t think about it too much). I also rarely visit.

      I don’t automatically hide people who I just plain disagree with– if they can make a coherent,…[Read more]

    • I unfollow with a heavy hand. Not just people whose views make me cringe or rage, but also people who humblebrag, post all the time about how much the adore their significant other(s), or complain and generally behave like a bummer. The way I see it, I have to maintain Facebook to keep up with certain groups (even some work-related stuff) that…[Read more]

    • I so need to clean up my Facebook… One of the reasons I never go on it is because I’m friends with half my school and I really don’t need to see all the heterosexual drama. I’m too awkward to turn down a friend request from someone I’ve talked to, though, even if I don’t actually know or like them.

    • It takes a whole lot for me to unfollow people. Because social media is, well, my job, to an extent, I can’t really separate that from real life because it is real life for me. I know some people on the interwebs from my virtual workplace better than I do some people I see every day. Seriously.

      However, social media has let me see who some…[Read more]

    • Unfollowing has been an effective solution for me – when I stopped seeing someone and we still wanted to be friends, I unfollowed them and a few people I met through them. It’s like they don’t exist on Facebook unless you specifically go to find them.

    • My personal policy is to unfriend people who have hurt me and/or I don’t plan to ever see again. I don’t have room in my life for toxic people, negative people, or prejudice, and I feel fully entitled to maintain whatever boundaries I need to be healthy. I also have a policy of unfriending old acquaintances whom I don’t ever plan to interact…[Read more]

    • I get unfriended A LOT by racist, xenophobic, sexist, religious zealot etcétera “friends” on FB in particular (I used to do twitter but I got so overwhelmed with it I deleted everyone by simply never logging in again, same with tumblr) and the ONLY reason I noticed it is because I don’t feel bombarded by teyr racist, xenophobic, sexist, extreme…[Read more]

    • this happened to me a few years ago (except neither my friend nor her boyfriend (now husband!) were on facebook/are active on facebook) I ended up not speaking to my friend for around 6 months. At the time I was entering my own relationship with it’s own set of issues that directly mirrored hers, which… is wild! I had a gf that was so…[Read more]

  • ThumbnailIt’s a GORGEOUS 72 degrees here in Phoenix, Arizona and I need to put my face in the sunshine. Here are some things I missed because we just keep binge-watching Friends and losing touch with reality. Remember the […]

    • I think if Jessica Williams were to be Jon Stewart’s replacement nothing else could make me happier

    • I will now spend the next 20 minutes lying around thinking about what animals / magical creatures all my friends would be.

      • You are not alone in this, but for me it’s going to be more like 2880 minutes rather than the saner 20.
        *is almost too INTP to function*


    • “of course girls are not meant for slaughter, they belong to the wild world”

      Thank you for posting the big block of text to convince me to go read that whole thing. It was so perfect. I so needed/need that.

    • ^ What Mer said. Thank you for bringing that piece into my life.

    • Thank you for posting about Chapel Hill. None of the queer sites I frequent have mentioned it and I’ve been desperate to see it somewhere around here. Muslim and Arab-Americans, myself included, are hurting right now and it’s nice to know that other communities of ours also care.

    • I am a hobbit.

      The memorial page was interesting to me. I’m “friends” (not sure what the correct word is here?) with a person who was murdered, and his family manages the page with updates about the murder (and has for years– it’s still unsolved). It’s clearly hard to manage; you can tell just by the posts.

    • “What do conservatives even do really?” lol I remember going to high school (in Phoenix) and being split up for debates in us history for the first time. Having grown up with liberal parents and all closeted baby queer, “conservatives” were just a kind of an abstract thing and not like real people. Then I found out in that activity that all my…[Read more]

  • Thumbnailfeature image via shutterstock

    Last week I was in a bar with a few friends, all graduate students who funded their studies by teaching undergraduates, just like I’d been until recently. One friend — a very […]

    • This was a really great and thoughtful piece.

    • Such a though provoking piece. As a student, it feels so important to have professors who are openly queer because it creates a safe space and sense of understanding/support, and it’s crucial, especially in writing/lit classes.

      • Definitely. This is something I talk about with other queer students at both undergrad and grad levels. I’ve actually had a few students out themselves to me after class because of my openly queer identity, and it’s those moments that have been more meaningful to my job as a TA than quizzing students on Homo erectus skulls.

    • True story: I had a student drop a class after they threw a tantrum that I didn’t respond to their email on my birthday (which was a Saturday).

      While I’ve been very fortunate in being comfortably out to students and to bring up personal anecdotes if relevant, I recognize that it’s more of a reflection of the general progressiveness within…[Read more]

      • I explicitly tell students,and repeat myself A LOT,that I do not respond to emails after hours or on weekends. I try to go the funny rout, by phrasing it like” i have a life where I’m not paid. Just like if you’re off duty at taco bell I’m not going to drive to your living room and ask for a chalupa.” I also find explaining what adjunct faculty…[Read more]

      • leaving academia was bittersweet for me too, at least in a few ways, but one thing i definitely don’t miss are the emails sent twenty minutes before class starts saying “can you just look over my entire paper real quick and give me feedback so i can change anything i need to before we turn them in today.”

    • This was a wonderful article and I found it very interesting to read because education reform and expanding our cultural approaches to learning and teaching is something I’m really passionate about. I hope to, among other things, be a professor when I grow up, and I want to teach in a way that is authentic to me and meaningful to my students.…[Read more]

      • that’s so rad that you’re working on your school with that project! i know so many grown adults with multiple education degrees that i wish were that committed, thoughtful and aware. i have no doubt that whatever you do as an adult, you’ll be a major asset to your field!

    • Rachel you have taught me so much over the years, I would love to be in your class…

      • this comment brings me so much joy! i would love that also. i teach writing workshops at camp! my policy on in-class texting is much more lenient there.

    • This was a great piece and I forwarded it to a couple of my grad school friends. I’m working on a PhD in one of the hard sciences so not only am I a 24-year-old woman who is only a couple years removed from my students, I am frequently one of the only woman in the room when I’m teaching. There’s also no way to even subtly slip in a…[Read more]

      • I don’t come out publicly all at once or every quarte, but I’ve been known in cases like you just mention with students who talk loudly to mention in an aside that’s not private (step into the hall) or in front of the class, but like “hey I just overheard you mention blah blah and I want to let you know this about me because it’s important for us…[Read more]

      • i feel so lucky that my classrooms were usually fairly gender balanced — i can’t even imagine trying to teach a room full of primarily 18-22 year old men. holy mackerel. you are doing the lord’s work, kailey.

    • As someone who teaches middle and elementary school students and struggles with homophobia and general pubescent anger/hostility in the classroom, this was a very powerful piece.

      • YES! I work in a middle school and there is so much homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, racism, sexism…just everything. It’s so hard to correct kids compassionately, knowing that a big part of their development at this point is figuring out who they are, and that one of the ways they self-differentiate is by bashing others. It’s whack-a-mole, dude.

      • yes, it’s all so much to deal with! i remember feeling very overwhelmed and stressed out by the project of it — calling out and dealing with as much as i could, but always feeling anxious that the two kids whispering in the back of the room were saying something shitty that i should be addressing, or that if i heard someone laughing during a work…[Read more]

    • I feeling very lucky that both my institutions of higher education are very gay friendly. I really don’t think I would developed a healthy sense of sexuality. If I hadn’t had out lesbian role models in undergrad.

    • This was a great piece. I’m an EFL teacher and I’m out to my adult classes (which hasn’t been an issue so far) but not explicitly out to my under-18 groups this year, although I have been ‘out’ with teenage groups in the past. They may have guessed anyway, since I dress in a gender-non-conforming way, but I’m yet to explicitly identify as queer in…[Read more]

      • “…but I always feel like I should be doing more.” God isn’t that so true of teaching in general! I really feel what you’re talking about here, feeling a level of accountability to students to be out or to be out in a certain way or to leverage identity in a way that provides something positive for them, but also I think it’s important to…[Read more]

      • I’m an EFL teacher too, and the dynamics are so tricky about being out because my students come from so many different cultural backgrounds–from Saudi Arabia to Brazil to Switzerland–and they are all at such different stages in knowledge/tolerance of LGBTQ issues. I know some students are totally queer friendly already, some really could use a…[Read more]

      • I’m an EFL teacher, too. I teach in Southeast Asia which is generally very *Buddhist* about queer things in theory, though in practice things can get a little iffy…but I work for a foreign university that is based out of a Muslim country and staffed by conservative Muslims, so I have legitimate concerns about my job security if I were to come…[Read more]

    • Extremely interesting piece.

      Please write (even) more for Autostraddle, please!

      I am positive your feedback work is essential to the site’s writers, but your voice is SO special…

    • Brilliant article, I’ve never taught vast swathes of mixed gender students so I think sexism is something I’ve only come across from their parents or from visiting male examiners or moderators. Outing fear though…
      I teach in a tiny college where the staff outnumber the full time (16-20 y/o) students, all female, due to the number of specialised…[Read more]

      • That sounds like such a stressful environment to try to live and work in, I’m so sorry you have to deal with it! I hope you can make it into the field you want to be in as soon as possible!

        • Thanks, I feel like I’ve been feeling it for a long time without articulating it, it came out here today. Apologies for the essay!

      • This 1000x over.

        (I’m exceedingly thankful to my gay male colleague, who when I gave him a kinky (gay) calendar for christmas, asked where I got it from and I replied ‘at xxx’. We non-verbally acknowledged our shared sexuality and he’s never outed me or made an issue of it)

    • Hey, can we make this ‘See Jane Teach’ a regular feature, pretty please? I’m starting a PGCE (UK teaching qualification) in adult education this September so this was very interesting for me as a young lesbian woman who will often be teaching people older than me!

      • Been there during my Cert Ed training! Hadn’t graduated and had to have a teaching qual, it’s like 1000 less words on the essay for the final module than the PGCE I think…long while back now. Prepare yourself for Masses of reflective practice. Best of luck with it :)

      • Unfortunately this topic doesn’t really lend itself to a regular column at the moment, since I’m not actively teaching right now and I don’t think anyone else on the team is either, but definitely it will likely be really helpful for you to seek out other people that you have shared experiences with when you’re training for teaching and in the…[Read more]

    • This speaks to me in SO many ways. I’m teaching English at a university in France as a random thing for a year, and have so keenly felt everything you have described! I do feel like I’m under scrutiny in very different ways from my male counterparts and it makes me rage-filled and anxious and tired and sad.

      Also, this article made me think…[Read more]

      • Yes, I live near Marquette now, and people are talking about Cheryl Abbate on talk radio and such all the time here! It stresses me out so much to think about.

        Ali wrote about teaching in France as a woman at one point too, I don’t know if that might resonate with you!

    • Two gret pieces of advice given to me when I began teaching adults;

      Don’t smile till Easter, &
      “Watch out for the thirtysomethings”. “They think they know it all”.

      Worked like a charm!

      • I had a friend and colleague who used that strategy — she worked on being a hardass for at least the first three or four weeks of the semester. I never felt super drawn to that strategy since my class was heavily discussion-based and I wanted people to feel comfortable so they would talk, but I’m glad it worked for you!

    • This is so on point, Rachel.

    • Very interesting!

    • i’m so impressed that you asked directly about that! that’s great. and i know what you mean about LGBT stuff being covered terribly in training — in our training, we had a “privilege walk” exercise on the very first day, which basically asked us to out ourselves in front of a bunch of people we didn’t know at all yet as well as our program…[Read more]

    • ugh me neither, their syllabi would probably be impossible to understand

    • This really spoke to my own experiences as a grad student instructor. As a butch woman, it’s been similarly frustrating having TA supervisors suggest I adopt a more “professional” mode of dress “because you look so young!” when the 24 year old men in my department get away with wearing jeans/hoodie combos that are far slouchier than my carefully…[Read more]

      • oh my gosh that is so infuriating, i have no idea what i would have done. probably you handled that very gracefully, i probably would have just had an aneurysm.

        and i know exactly what you mean about figuring out what to wear — by the end of my time teaching, i ended up being more relaxed, and was okay with wearing “nice” jeans where at first…[Read more]

    • Rachel, you are so good at this.

    • i really loved this aaaand i really love you rachel, that is all

    • I relate so hard to having to “perform professionalism” to get respect from colleagues, employees, and bosses. Thanks for this, Rachel! I’m glad you are working here now and can be 100% you every day. :) Or at least 99.9%

    • Thank you so much for writing this! I teach high school French (grades 9-12) in a state where gay rights are still a distant dream, but thankfully I am not the only LGBT-identified teacher at my school.
      One of the biggest problems I have with high schoolers (especially boys) is that they will want questions that have nothing to do with the…[Read more]

    • I teach high school, and while I know I could make a difference by being out to my students, I have never seen an opportunity for it. I would like to see more pieces like this!

    • I really loved this article. I too recently got my M.A. and left academia for many of the same reasons. I’m glad I’m not alone and that you’ve shared your experience and insights.

    • I taught at a very conservative university in a state where it was legal to fire. I never truly considered being out (to undergrads) an option; I was full tuition/stipend (but teaching was required, regardless of any terms of your acceptance), but I could have lost my place in the program if anyone had kicked up enough dust. I received enough…[Read more]

    • well this was brilliant and just reiterated for me how lucky i am/we are to work with you, especially in a way that lets you be more of your whole fucking self. THANK YOU.

    • Brilliant writing Rachel.

      I’m now in my 8th year of Education and have just started my second year in a secondary school re-engagement program for ‘at risk’ students. The last few months I’ve been struggling with my internalized homophobia and swinging between giving myself a hard time about not being out (and open) at work, and my firmly held…[Read more]

    • As a former grad student T.A. and now an ESL teacher at a private school, I am feeling so much of this Rachel! Thanks for sharing.

    • Last semester I had the pleasure of being a TA for groups of straight, mostly white men. They were visibly shocked and confused when a woman walked in and introduced herself as the instructor for an engineering course. I made the choice to be out, but I didn’t announce it in the class- I let the information percolate through office hours and other…[Read more]

    • I think this is the truest thing about teaching I’ve ever read. EXACTLY! EVERY WORD! Thank you so much for vocalizing all these struggles and tensions that are so difficult to bring to light sometimes.

      I also started teaching during my masters (I did an MFA in Boston too!). I’m about halfway through a PhD now, love academia, but think about…[Read more]

  • ThumbnailHello dear sweet babes of the earth, are you tired of speed dating? Cause I’m tired of gd speed dating. Like I’ve been tired and I didn’t even know it. Don’t get me wrong, hosting Queer Ladies Speed Dating at the […]

    • “Bring your friends or come alone, but please don’t bring your cat.”

      please tell me this is because someone brought their cat once

      • no but someone fb messaged me once and asked if they could bring their cat to speed-dating.

        no, dear heart, you can’t.

        save that for the second date, bb.

    • What a brilliant idea!! Everyone in NY should go!

      AND ALSO maybe an idea of all the queers NOT in NY and sad to be missing this event: trivia (especially with a lgbtq focus!) is a super great idea AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY host on your own trivia night! I bet your local radical and queer bookstore would be stoked to host the event as it’ll bring…[Read more]

    • And for those of you that don’t know it exist, there are some Chicagostraddler events that take place in the Windy City! Trivia nights, book clubs, game nights, etc.


    • The Strand, Trivia, and Queer Ladies are basically my 3 favourite things! So sad I don’t get off of work in time to go to this tomorrow. :(

    • I’M GOING :D

    • Wish I didn’t have work that night. Hope there is another trivia night soon!

  • ThumbnailOh god everything everywhere is about the Grammys or 50 Shades of Grey and I want to throw myself down some stairs and into a basement filled with corn chowder please lord make it STOP. Here are some things that […]

    • If I have to continue hearing about 50 Shades of Grey…it’s making me insane. There are obviously other things to talk about – like this amazing Golden Girls valentine!

      • seriously I feel like I can’t look anywhere without seeing something about 50 shades of grey and I keep waiting for people to get over it

        • IT’S EVERYWHERE! It’s haunting me. Maybe it should have come out at Halloween instead… Actually, if it was re-made as a horror film, I might be able to stomach it.

    • What a great valentine!

    • Wow that edit-a-thon is like down the street from my parents house. I didn’t realize MS. Magazine was located so close to me. If I wasn’t at work I’d be there basking in the queerness.

    • 1- So the font tries to embody “lagom” – not too much, not too little. Who knew a font could teach you how to live life in moderation? I’m guessing comic sans does not embody lagom.
      2- That butterfly article is just too much. You know it’s an okay day in the world when there’s a news article about a pet butterfly. I would’ve loved that as a kid…[Read more]

    • Laneia there is a “Butterfly World” in Victoria where I live and I would totally take you there. Just sayin’ :)

    • i am soooo tres jeal of everyone going to the hackathon. also, of everyone who gets one of those valentines. thank you for being a friend, laneia.

    • The ledding on the Sweden font is giving me personal space issues.

    • Also, transphobic ppl trying to protect their precious toilets is the most apallingly selfish/ignorant thing.

      It is a place to do your 1’s and 2’s. Trans folk just wanna do their 1’s and 2’s as well. My friend will hold on for hours until he gets home rather than use a bathroom in fear of abuse from cis people.

      Also that arguememt about how…[Read more]

  • ThumbnailHello and welcome to this thing we’re doing where we help you figure out what you’re gonna put in your mouth this week. Some of these are recipes we’ve tried, some of these are recipes we’re looking forward to […]

  • ThumbnailThere’s a link at the bottom of this post that will change your life. Here are some things we missed while I was trying to intimidate the repairman who came to fix my dryer!
    You Should Go or Do or Give
    + […]

      just bless you, laneia.

      also i loved windsor’s piece…i have a really hard time processing anger and it usually hits me in the most unexpected places and in strange ways so i just related so hard and loved it so much.

    • Welp, my life will never be complete now that I’ve read “If Kristen Stewart Were Your Girlfriend”. So, thanks for that, I guess.

      • i agree. it was basically just rude of mallory to even start such a thing. it was at once the greatest yet most terrible gift of all.

    • “If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend” is so good. But I do want to go to coachella with her.

    • And another item to add to the list of things I never knew I wanted or needed until I saw them – Broad City paper dolls.

      • a new life goal for me is to become a paper doll and i didn’t realize this until yesterday.


    • How are the weird corners of the Internet so great this week?! My browser caught a sad from my tab hoarding.

    • Oh Krista, how I miss you! Come back to me….

      • I was very sad when I finished reading her Effing Dykes blog (still on hiatus.) It taught me everything I needed to know…

      • lord yes.

      • ^agreement with every prior contribution to this
        (like actually I started reading Effing Dykes way back in the Denial Period and it helped me to better understand and value my identity)

    • I totally unknowingly met Michelle Hendley at a weird 4th of July party while I was trying to get in another girl’s pants, and then again at similar parties that summer while, again, trying to get in some girls’ pants…I saw her name pop up a week or so ago attached to that film and was like, wait a sec, I remember that name/face. So cool to see…[Read more]

    • Has anyone seen betty who’s video ‘all if you’? Is it just me or there some girl on girl sub text there?

      • well evergreen, i just looked into the video and yes indeed, i do believe there is some subtext! but also i don’t know anything about this betty who person.

    • I saw that K-stew thing on Twitter last night…UK time…didn’t expect so many feelings. Ha!

    • Thank you for telling us about Queereka! I was chosen as a writer!

    • “But unlike the genes a baby inherits from its mother’s egg and father’s sperm, mitochondrial DNA has nothing to do with the baby’s looks, temperament, or non-mitochondrial fitness. At least, that’s the hope.”

      Actually, I think it would be awesome if the babies looks would be affected. That way two cis moms could have a baby that looked like…[Read more]

    • More like my real life: “If K-Stew were my close friend and I had a huge crush on her but wasn’t sure she was queer or not but she kept flirting with me and telling me I was special but then I’d try to make a move and she’d be like ‘oh sorry i don’t think i can be in a relationship but let’s still hang out all the time’ and she’d tell me what…[Read more]

    • I don’t know which is hotter: the part with Kirsten Stewart, or the part where Kirsten Stewart introduces you to Joan Jett.

      (I actually started really getting into Joan Jett because of Kirsten’s portrayal of her in the Runaways. sakdakljfldskfjdslkfs hot badasses zomg)

    • Definitely buying that Rad American Women book. For myself and also to have on a bookshelf when I’m finally teaching my own classroom.

  • ThumbnailLast week I said I might use this space as my own personal wedding freak-out zone, but then I thought, why don’t I just write a whole post about that instead? So that’s what I’m gonna do. Here are some stories we […]

    • Laneia! Okay so before anything else, I just want to say that actual mercury glass from a wholesaler is like super cheap, yo. Do you have any friends with a wholesale license? If you do, get them to take you to whatever wholesaler’s near you and buy some $2 fancy looking candle holders or whatever.

      • Alright so I looked at your profile and it says you’re in phoenix! It looks like you have a Floral Supply Syndicate there–they’re awesome. There’s this super butch lesbian who works at my local one and she always gives me updates on her wife’s pregnancy whenever I go in. I can’t guarantee that you will have someone as delightful as her at yours,…[Read more]

        • aaaanyway, if you want to talk wedding shit I am always up for that and also SO EXCITED FOR YOUR ARTICLE YES

    • laneia i feel like i wanna take you on a weekend vacation in order to take a full 48 hours to unpack feelings about mallory’s cartoons article. did the fox version of robin hood make all of us gay and we’ve just never all compared notes and realized it? did i in fact write mallory’s article somehow without knowing it? is mallory the tyler durden…[Read more]

      • I hope Mallory frequents Autostraddle. We’re all kindred spirits here.

      • is it bc robin hood was so twee? omg he’s like peter pan. OMG RACHEL THE FOX VERSION OF ROBIN HOOD IS LIKE A ROBIN HOOD + PETER PAN MASHUP.

        i feel like i’m onto something.

    • That Toms documentary was really cool! I was particularly struck with the sentiment that Thai people are not encouraged to express their individuality but rather adhere to what is expected of them.

      • I know you’re an anthropologist, so I’m probably not telling you anything new, but Geertz back in the 70s wrote on Balinese and Javanese concepts of selfhood within the larger Southeast Asian context (not saying that’s exactly the situation in Vietnam, just bringing another perspective), and described a vision of personhood, and what brings…[Read more]

    • I totally agree with the fox-Robin-Hood shoutout in the queer cartoon roots article, but listing Monterey Jack from Rescue Rangers and ignoring motherfucking GADGET is a HUGE oversight. The tomboy femme mouse mechanic who wore a belted jumpsuit and goggles on her head? Come on.

      • i am loath to speak on mallory’s behalf OBVIMOOSELY but i wonder if gadget would more likely fall into the category of love interest for her? and therefore wouldn’t necessarily have shaped mallory’s queer identity and/or workout regimen? i mean again, i’m just speculating here, but after a person holds up monterey jack as a lesbian root i’m…[Read more]

    • nacho cheese existential crisis

      • jane i can’t talk about it.

        • If we can’t trust Nacho Cheese what can we trust?

          • Cheese fries?

            • guys i dont think we should panic and lose sight of the fact that powerful experiential knowledge informs all of our shared subjective realities of nacho cheese and that cannot be taken away from us…nacho cheese is because we say it is. so dont worry, we’re all going to be ok #postmodernism

      • Bless this commentary. It soothed and healed my agitated heart. #NachoCheesePostmodernism

      • Should I write a postmodernist piece on nacho cheese for senior directed plays. Does the world need this. I need this.

        • yes. Special guest: Blue Moon Ice Cream flavor????????????

          • Wait, is that a thing??

            I love when bizarre things are brought to my attention. I mean, “What is nacho cheese?” is never a question that has entered my brain. It’s just a part of life.

      • Oh, I can’t believe I missed this opportunity to tell my favourite corny joke.

        Q. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
        A. Nacho cheese!
        (…Apparently because it doesn’t exist.)

        *slinks away*

    • Umm, obviously the highlight of this article is THE HOMEMADE WATERCOLORS!!?? AMAZING<3 They seem pretty simple to make, too! Not that I need any more watercolors but…idk this looks important.

      • RIGHT?? i have 0 watercolors so i’m in the clear and can make a billion of them with abandon!!

    • A+ anime and manga article

      • oh good! one time i included a manga/anime top 10 list and some of y’all told me it was garbage and i was like hm maybe i shouldn’t include links to things i know nothing about! so this was a real risk i was taking, is what i’m saying.

    • that toms documentary was really neat! also i love you

    • There is so much cool stuff here. And I am way too tired to say anything sensible (even by my so-called standards) about it.

      -I really dislike the word “community.” It’s a neat way to deal with diversity you don’t want to/can’t understand by lumping it all into one category you can dismiss easily. My current target for criticism of the use…[Read more]

    • There’s lots of good stuff here, but I especially love the Reactions video on unsung women in chemistry. As a woman in chemistry myself, I’m ashamed that I don’t know more about the accomplishments of other women scientists.

    • FUCK. YES. TLC.

    • I made nachos for lunch, so.

    • Nachos cheese is my favourite thing about America.

    • The video about the women is science is SO COOL. I have to figure out a way around my school’s youtube block so I can show it to my students! I have some pretty bomb preteen girl scientists, and the inclusion of women of color is excellent. More of that, please.

    • Adding that Thailand documentary to the insurmountable amount of things on my laptop/tablet/phone that I need to watch/read. Now I feel overwhelmed. But excited!

  • ThumbnailHello and welcome to this thing we’re doing where we help you figure out what you’re gonna put in your mouth this week. Some of these are recipes we’ve tried, some of these are recipes we’re looking forward to […]

    • Oh wow, I want to eat all the things.

    • Yesss I was just looking for a good vegan Pad Thai! Thank you :3

      • i love this recipe so much! whenever i come across it i remember how great it is and am mad at myself for not making it more. let me know if you try it!

    • i love noodles and i am very excited about all of this

    • Excited to try so many of these recipes! Does anyone know a good vegetarian pho recipe?

    • I would like to register a formal complaint with the universe that I am not currently eating all of these noodles.

    • Mock duck? You have my attention. Now I just need to find a place that carries it, cause I haven’t seen it at TJs or WholeFoods.

      • my exact conundrum! i ate it at a restaurant recently and it was amazing? but i’ve never. ever. seen it. i absolutely must find mock duck. #thesearchcontinues

      • I did a quick google and it seems to only come in a can? I am thinking if your area is a Chinatown and/or Asian town they may carry it? I plan to check since I work near little Tokyo, & Chinatown, and go grocery shopping in Korea town weekly.

      • I love mock duck! You can find it in Asian grocery stores. It’s definitely in a can. I’ve actually made that exact recipe from the post punk kitchen and it’s delicious!

    • you are singing directly to my carby winter heart

    • I made the Shanghai Fried Noodles from Woks of Life last week – really simple and tasty. That blog is yet to lead me astray.

    • YUMMMMM I just want all the noodles now but I can’t have any noodles because my roommate blocked my car in the driveway so I can’t get to the store :(

    • I’ve been in such a noodle-mood. And this article doesn’t help, haha. Excellent recipes, the tamarind noodles looks soooo goooood.

    • I would marry this noodle list if I could. Noodles are LIFE.

  • ThumbnailWhat if I start using this space to keep you posted on the ins and outs of planning my wedding in April? Like for example do you want to talk about how to fit five 60″ tables in a backyard? The merits of unfrosted […]

    • Rie replied 1 month ago

      Did anybody read the Gossip Girl books? An entire A-plot of the first book is about an art photo of Serena’s anus popping up all over town, which is the first thing I think of when I think of butt art. Or YA-to-TV-properties.


        • i have not read the books but now thanks to rie i really want to

          • Wait, what?! I always thought it was her actual belly button in the books. I guess I took the “is that her… belly button?” at face value back then and never gave it a second thought, how naive of me. Definitely going to re-read the series now though!! Haha.

    • Nikki replied 1 month ago

      Uhhh…Laneia…yes, just yes, please talk about all the wedding things! I mean, if you want to.

    • Mo replied 1 month ago

      Real Life Teen (TM) here! I totally agree that teenagers are addiction-prone, at least I know I am. It sounds like such a nerdy thing to do but bc my brain is basically my money-maker I try really hard to limit my vices that hurt it. I didn’t smoke weed at all until my spring quarter freshman year of college bc I didn’t want to hurt my brain (that…[Read more]

      • HELLO TEEN. these all sound like smart decisions. you should also be getting lots of sleep and taking multivitamins ok, including a probiotic. xoxo

    • Robin replied 1 month ago

      I’m so flippin excited for the Wet Hot American Summer series I cannot comment on anything else. I want it inside me.

    • lomy replied 1 month ago

      formal motion to rename this column wedding.wedding.wedding

      WEDDING! april is probably my favorite wedding month (october is a close second though). people who get married in april are the best. people who get married outdoors in the middle of august (esp in the south) are the worst. hello i am just sweating all over myself and thus can pay no…[Read more]

      • WE’RE GETTING MARRIED ON THE DAY OF THE LUNAR ECLIPSE ok sorry for yelling at you lomy i’m just so excited

        • gah i am so in love with this! MOON GODDESSES!

          a friend of mine has a tattoo of the solar system with the planets aligned the way they were on the day that he and his wife got married. so now i cant help but imagine what your hypothetical celestial tattoo of your wedding day could look like and it would so.fucking.awesome.i.cant.

          i hope you…[Read more]

    • Sam replied 1 month ago

      “Woman Gets Her Anus Bronzed by Mischievous Gnome and It’s On Video” sounds like one of those sentences they use in linguistics textbooks as an example of ‘unlikely to occur, possibly never has occurred, but comprehensible if it did occur’ utterances that they use to illustrate the infinite possibilities of language.

    • elle replied 1 month ago

      You really hooked me with the title! I didn’t know what to expect. It actually is pretty cute.

      Also congrats on the wedding!!!!! I would honestly love to hear about your wedding planning….

    • Riese replied 1 month ago

      “What if I start using this space to keep you posted on the ins and outs of planning my wedding in April?”

      I would be into this

    • I listened to that Freah Air podcast yesterday and used it as an excuse for why I keep overdrawing my bank account! My real adult brain isn’t fully formed in my early 20s BoA, so you really should stop charging me overdraft fees.

    • Totally thought that meant bronzed as in they were brushing on bronzer makeup. My brain was like, “Wait, weren’t people bleaching their assholes not so long ago? Has this trend come full circle?” Pun intended.

      • YES thank you this was also my initial thought upon seeing lindy’s link on twitter.

    • I really dislike the article about the daughter who wants to be a princess. D: The author seems to think that dresses+glitter=gender conforming and not a feminist, which really squicks me out. Her daughter is obviously happy!

      Like: “Did I do something wrong? Is feminism mysteriously skipping a generation? Meanwhile, I have to bribe her to wear…[Read more]

      • Also this: “Feminism didn’t skip my daughter, it was just hiding underneath all that pink and glitter.”

        Idk, as a very femme bi girl who is very definitely a feminist, this all rubbed me the wrong way. People can like dresses and makeup and still be feminist.

        • I hope this article was meant to be about her growing as a feminist (or becoming a real one), because implying women have to be masculine to be empowered shows she missed the basic ‘appearance does not determine a woman’s worth’ principle. I see why she’s upset her five year old is wearing makeup, but it’s upsetting she started raising a child…[Read more]

      • I agreed with you except I think in the end the writer admits her own bias in failing to recognize that being Princess Glitter is not mutually-exclusive to being a badass feminist. That was what I took away, at least.

        • I didn’t feel like she totally got it with the “hiding” comment though, like saying you can’t be obviously feminist and still be femme. Makes me think she must be judging all femme women she sees as non-feminists purely on how they present their genders.

      • Yes! I completely agree. I adored playing with Barbies as a kid (Barbie and Barbie, not Barbie and Ken!) and wearing skirts and dresses. I’m a liberal pro-choice democrat lesbian feminist. Does that make me wrong?

        • i like pink, mostly fluorescent on black but other varieties will do. Am turned out an armchair, overweight cat, wall screen and insane laughter type of woman – and a proud traitor to the revolution. If you for a moment assumed correlation implies causation – yes it was definitely the pink stuff that did it.

      • I definitely agree. My first thought when I read the excerpt was “what, has she never heard of femmes?” Even though she seems to come around a little at the end, it’s frustrating to hear (yet another) argument that femininity is inherently anti-feminist and any feminist sentiment expressed by a feminine person is done *in spite of* their…[Read more]

      • yeah i thought the piece was super interesting from the standpoint of being a parent and wanting to give your child different/more choices than you had, only to find out that they still prefer X, whatever that is. i absolutely see what y’all are saying about it being very exclusionary of the femme existence bc the author’s mindset ~as it pertains…[Read more]

    • I’m trying to raise my two year to be comfortable liking what he likes and to not feel restricted by what society pushes on him for being ‘male’.

      In saying that, he is addicted to cars and trucks and it was pretty unexpected. All day everything is cars and Thomas the Tank Engine.

      He does share my love of cats though and tries to carry ours…[Read more]

    • OMG. One of my only actual real dates was an L7 show. I still feel bad about having a teenage lesbian avoidance meltdown on her.

    • the link seems to be gone. It does not matter i did not see the bronzed anus, though it was the reason why i looked at all. I knew a girl with bronzed human flesh earrings though, which is a statement both more in-depth meaningful and… more persistent in time. Human games are always ending when it gets dark and mum calls them in from the…[Read more]

    • Came here to see an anus get bronzed. Was not disappointed.

    • i didn’t even know you were getting hitched omg congratulations
      i am also wedding planning. it would be comforting to read about your wedding planning decisions and thought processes, such as how you came to be so on board with eggplant. or perhaps you have some ideas as to how one might transport approx twenty 36 inch inflated balloons across…[Read more]

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